Slutever (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
Kinky Travel
1 Sex is an important part of being a human being.
We are not talking about sex in the trans community.
When people in our community say, "Don't ask me about my genitals," I have to disagree, and I want to talk about my genitals because I live an amazing life with a vagina.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Karley: I love talking to my girlfriends about sex stuff.
It's like a sewing circle, but for sluts.
[ Telephone rings .]
Oh, that must be one of my slutty friends now.
Nomi: Hey, girl.
It's Nomi.
You know what we don't talk about enough? -What? -Sex in the trans community.
True.
I wonder why.
I'm not transgender and therefore cannot speak to the trans experience.
But as a sex-positive, slut-positive feminist, I've always found talking openly about sex extremely valuable and fun.
My friend Nomi Ruiz is a singer, performer, and an outspoken voice in the trans community.
I really appreciate you talking to me about sex because it's my favorite subject.
Oh, my God.
Mine too.
That's why we get along so well.
Sex is a big part of my brand.
It's a big part of my message.
It's a big part of my music and my art.
I would love to, like, see it more in pop culture and people having more fun with conversations with it and, like, not taking it so serious and just, like, having fun with sex.
I agree.
Last year, I interviewed Nomi in an article for Vogue, where she described her experience going through gender confirmation surgery and how it affected her sex life.
How do you think the conversation around sex within the trans community has evolved over the past handful of years? We've really made a big impact on culture, which is amazing.
At the same time, in Hollywood, they have been exploiting the trans narrative.
When people think of Laverne Cox and other prominent trans people were saying, "Stop talking about surgery, stop talking about sex," did you agree with them to a degree? Your private parts are different now, aren't they? I don't want to talk about it because it's really personal.
The preoccupation with transition, with surgery, objectifies trans people, and then we don't get to really deal with the real lived experiences, the reality of trans people's lives.
I feel that, you know, my community has done a lot to create boundaries with society that let people know they don't have access to our bodies and that we are entitled to our privacy, and we shouldn't be objectified.
If you wouldn't ask that to, like -Tom Cruise.
-Nicole Kidman, yeah, then why would you feel like you have access to that information? But, at the same time, I feel like those boundaries have made it a little difficult to talk about sex and sexuality.
Not talking about something sometimes makes it feel shameful, and it isn't.
And so, somehow, we have to, like, break the barrier because there is a time and place to talk about sex.
It's okay to talk about sex.
It should be your choice.
It should be You know, you should be in control of that dialogue and that narrative.
Sluts.
Sluts for life.
[ Laughs .]
Karley: Clear boundaries have been set in regard to conversations around sex in order to respect the privacy of transgender people, but there is a movement within the trans community to open up a dialogue around sex and sexuality in a respectful, healthy way.
So I came to LA to meet Cameron and Aly, a couple who have a particularly unique personal story.
Hey.
Hi, how are you? Hi.
Come on in.
Thank you.
I was born in the same town Cameron is from.
Small world.
I know.
But that's not how you met, right? -No.
-No.
Not at all.
We actually met through social media initially.
-Millennial.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
It was Instagram, actually.
We started following each other.
I remember I got that message from you.
The modern-day rom-com, like, "I slid into your DMs.
" Seriously.
Slid into the DMs.
[ Laughs .]
You should make breakfast.
You can help me.
Well, we'll make it together.
Yeah, buddy.
How would you like your eggs? Scrambled.
Things don't always, you know, appear as they are at first glance.
A stranger would maybe assume that we were cis and straight.
We do receive that cis-hetero-passing privilege, and we should be bringing to light the fact that we're actually trans, and then we've had, you know, surgeries and whatnot, so we can kind of challenge people's perceptions and assumptions.
Aside from, like, the serendipity of meeting each other, both being trans, both being from the same place, you guys also were going through the experience of surgery at almost exactly the same time.
Yeah, it's crazy that, within months of each other, we had surgery.
It also seems like a very difficult and intense time in your lives.
I don't think there was a lot of difficulty for me, at least.
We had different surgeries, right, and so just, for me, like, adjusting to a new body, which I talked before with you, yeah, it's -- I mean, you change.
You change physically.
It's something that takes time to adjust.
10 -- T-minus 10, 9 Put extra love into it, babe.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Microwave beeps .]
Yes.
There's been changes in our intimacy as far as, like, sex.
Before, I was awkward because I wasn't comfortable with what I had, and then now I'm awkward because I don't know what to do with what I have.
I think that's been a difficult part.
Why did you guys think it was important to talk publicly about your relationship and your sexuality? I wanted to just talk about it and, like, so someone doesn't feel alone.
Like, they might be feeling like, "Oh, I'm a freak.
I can't figure out my body.
" They're not alone.
Yeah, I think it's just great to bring visibility to all the different kinds of trans experiences out there.
I mean, there's not just one way to be trans.
It's important to just shed light on all the different, you know, ways that trans people can be sexual.
[ Laughs .]
It's painful.
It's really painful.
Yeah, I'd be scared of that.
Gender is all socially constructed.
People are so hung up on it, and it's all bullshit.
I remember you said, "Oh, I don't like oral sex from guys.
" And I didn't even realize it was just because the guys sucked.
Karley: Cameron and Aly have supported each other through recovery after their gender-confirming surgeries.
But of course they each had their own unique experience.
Today, Cameron is getting back to his regular iron-pumping routine, so I am joining him at the gym to sit on the sidelines in a leather skirt and lazily watch him sweat.
I honestly identified as a butch lesbian for, like, the first 25 years or so of my life.
And, also, I'm a very physical person.
I was a semi-professional rugby player at one point.
My journey, discovering my trans identity, came during the years that I was playing rugby.
The fitter I am, the better I pass.
And is this the first time you're working out? Yeah, 7 weeks post-op, and this is the first time I've been back in a gym, so it feels really good.
You got top surgery.
Yes.
Can you explain what that means? My surgeon was able to reduce the size of my breast tissue, and he did a procedure where he actually kept the blood supply and the nerve ending attached to the nipples, and then made them more cis-looking, which means smaller and farther out to the side.
I feel much more comfortable in my skin now after having top surgery.
I would oftentimes wear shirts or tank tops during sex, never be completely naked with your partner.
And now I can be, so that's, like, another level of intimacy that you can achieve, right? You know, fuck having tits, right? It's like [ Laughs .]
Do you identify as a straight man? To be technical, it is heterosexual because I'm attracted to the opposite, but I say, overall, I identify as trans queer because I still want to honor my queer experience of, you know, those 25 years of being a stone-cold butch dyke.
It just is so complicated.
It feels like, at a point with sexuality and gender, it's, like, should we just, like, have no labels because it's, like, too much.
Gender is all socially constructed anyway, so it's all bullshit.
People are so hung up on it, and it's so important to just realize, like, the fluidity of people's gender expression and then their sexuality, and it so beautifully evolves for a lot of us.
It's not just fixed in one way.
Karley: For Cameron, surgery has increased his confidence and his ability to be intimate.
But the process of recovery can be complex.
Aly: I had my surgery about 7 months ago.
Everybody just thinks like, "Oh, a penis or, like, a clitoris are not the same," but they're very similar.
And so they just, like, reshape it and, like, reposition, right? There's a very physical process that you have to go through in recovery to surgery, right? Mm-hmm.
There's a muscle in that area.
That muscle is not used to having a cavity, so if you don't keep it open, it'll close.
So it's really important to dilate.
You have to dilate every day.
Can you explain what dilation is? So you pretty much get this silicone rod dildo-type thing.
It's not as erotic as it sounds.
It's just really hard.
Do you want to see them? Yeah.
It's made perfectly to fit, and it has little dots to indicate the size.
They're a little thicker at the ends, but they're all the same length.
I started with this one.
This is the one I learned with.
My depth is about right here.
And then this one, I'm terrified of just because it I mean, it's not that thick, but it looks Yeah, I'd be scared of that.
It looks big.
It's painful.
It's really painful, and your nerves, they become numb from kind of the trauma they go through, and they start coming back, and it hurts like hell.
There's depression too.
I'm still depressed, I feel, and I didn't think I would be depressed.
You would think that I'd be really happy, and What do you think the depression is from? As a trans woman, I guess I have expectations for myself that I've created since I was very little of what I want to look like.
I thought, "Once I get surgery, I'll be happy," but I'm still not.
Do other people in the community or other trans women who have gone through surgery talk about something similar? So when I looked online to see if it had the information regarding post-op about sex, about post-op life, it was really hard to find.
There seemed to be kind of, like, shame and kind of a stigma to talk about it.
It takes a lot of courage for Aly to open up about how she's still struggling after her surgery.
It reminds me of what Nomi said about going through similar struggles.
When I decided to have my surgery, I just felt so isolated and so alone, and I was, like, terrified.
There was just so much that I didn't expect, you know, and it's been a learning process.
Still, to this day, I'm learning more and more and more.
If we just talk about it more, I think it doesn't have to be so isolating and so scary.
What do you want to say to young women of trans experience about sex and about sexuality that you wish someone had told you when you were younger? I feel like a lot of girls going through this journey blame their body, or, like, they blame their trans-ness.
I remember there was this one guy going down on me for, like, an hour, and I'm trying to get into it because I'm like, "I have to enjoy this.
It would suck if I don't.
" And I'm like, "It's a disaster.
I can't focus.
I'm in pain.
" I'm just like, "What is something" And I would blame it on myself.
And I didn't even realize it was just because the guy sucked.
And then, like, when I kept, you know, trying, and I met something that was amazing, it was, of course, heavenly.
Oh, it's real.
It's so real.
That's what I want to share with other people.
There is, like, a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.
It's liberating to a woman who has been forced to have this open mind with sex and sexuality and gender and the human body.
It's sexy, you know.
I think so.
I think so too.
Sluts! [ Laughs .]
It was embarrassing to be a man with a vagina.
And there were my fingers, inside of me, and I had the most amazing orgasm of my life.
Karley: Few people have advocated for the importance of an open conversation around sex in the trans community more than Buck Angel.
Buck is an LGBTQ activist, a sex educator, a sex-toy inventor, and a pornographer.
Respect.
Karley: Do you think that now we're finally getting to a point where the idea of transsexuality is something that we can talk about, and people are more accepting of? No.
I don't think so.
[ Laughs .]
No.
I tend to be one of the only people out there really pushing for talking about, you know, sex within the trans community, and I get a lot of pushback from parts of this community, of the trans community, that I don't speak for the community.
I don't speak for anybody but myself.
Some of us choose to talk about our genitals, and some of us don't.
But I think, by not having the conversation, we have shut down our own needs and our own desires and our own self-awareness.
Buck also holds workshops to promote an open conversation around sex.
And, tonight, he's invited me to join one of his candid group hangs.
I started my workshops because I wanted to start to help guys to figure out how to get to that next level of accepting your body sexually and actually engaging physically.
Hi, everybody.
Thanks for coming.
It's so awesome that you guys all showed up.
[ Laughs .]
Sex is an important part of being a human being, and one of the things that totally changed my life was learning how to have sex in my body, which was the body I hated most of my life.
So I started to have to think to myself, "Will I be a man with my vagina?" because the world says no.
So this is exactly how I decided not to get a penis -- masturbation.
One day, in my secret little masturbation club that I would have at home under my covers, I would jack off.
And there I was, jacking off all crazy, and then my fingers slipped inside of me, and I had never been penetrated before.
Never wanted to.
That felt very feminine to me.
It felt like it was woman's stuff, and I'm not interested in that.
And there were my fingers, inside of me, and I had the most amazing orgasm of my life that I will never forget.
That is definitely when the clouds parted, and I was like, "I saw God," and I was like, "And why would I get rid of my vagina?" Now, I don't want you to think that my whole process in that is to discourage people from having surgery because it isn't.
My message is to be yourself.
If you want to have bottom surgery, do it.
If you don't, no.
But the point is is that I live an amazing life with a vagina.
When I used to go to trans support groups, the most important question that the facilitator had said one day is like, "What you need to ask yourself is, 'When is it going to be enough?'" Right.
"'When are you going to be enough?'" Right.
Because, yeah, it could be XYZ, and you're still not happy, so Happiness comes from inside.
Exactly.
That's the key.
It's so simple.
Like, this is your journey.
Do it your way.
Like, I'm not on testosterone, and I'm comfortable with that, and guys ask me all the time, "Yo, bro, like, how did you get that beard?" And I'm like, "Oh, well, I went another route," because a lot of bros don't know you can have beard transplant surgery.
There are options that you can do for yourself.
You don't have to compare and contrast yourself to other people.
Every single one of us in this room have been brainwashed to feel gender is a certain way, "You don't have a penis, you're not a man.
" That's controlling.
With that said, a lot of trans men are not at the level I'm at with my vagina.
So what I said to myself was, "How do I get trans men to feel comfortable in their bodies?" So I kept thinking, "How can I get them, how can I get them," and I'm like, "A toy.
" This is the very first transgender male sex toy in the world.
So I designed it specifically to have the look of a penis a little bit, right? So this fits over top of the clitoris like that, so now when you're masturbating, what are you doing? You're jacking off.
So instead of touching your vagina, you're jacking off like a guy.
So that was an amazing thing, to be able to create a product that gave men permission to masturbate and gave men permission to say, "My body is okay, and I'm okay.
" So I have guys writing me now and saying, "I don't even use it anymore.
I now touch myself.
" That, to me, is everything.
If you do not love your body and you don't understand your body, however your body is, nobody else will love your body.
I equate a lot of myself and my confidence to sex, and it's why I like to talk about sex and why I think, within the trans community, we better start to talk about sex.
[ Cheers and applause .]
I thank you guys.
I appreciate it.
Karley: Buck's talk was such a great experience.
It was really clear how important his work is to people.
I just think that it's so healthy for people to talk about sex in, like, such a raw and honest way, like, whether you're trans or not trans.
People are looking for an opportunity to have that conversation, and him being so open about it is really giving people permission to start talking about that.
What up, bro? Nice to meet you finally.
It's kind of been, like, taboo to talk about sex within the trans community.
So with Buck inviting this conversation, it's like, "Wow.
Okay.
It is uncomfortable.
It's different.
We're different, but we're valued, we're human, and we deserve the right to have sex.
" Sex is fun.
Yeah.
It's great.
I love it.
Aly: As a person, I finally feel free.
I feel liberated, but I don't feel that way around sex.
Aly: When it came to transitioning, I've never thought about my sexuality.
I've transitioned for myself.
But being post-op, I want to feel pleasure with my partner.
Karley: How would you say that the way that you guys are intimate with each other has changed as you've gone through these parts of your transition together? As a person, I feel free.
I finally free.
I feel liberated, but I don't feel that way around sex right now.
Do you have goals for your sex life? I have a goal I guess just to be comfortable with my body so I could just be as freaky as possible [ Laughs .]
without feeling uncomfortable.
You know, having penetrative sex, that is a goal, I think, of ours.
We're still so freshly, you know, out of Aly's surgery that we're still in a stage of her getting used to dilating, getting used to having penetration.
We understand that that's, you know, going to take time, and I think it's just being respectful of her and creating that safe space for her to be more and more comfortable it key.
-So respectful.
-Like, literally.
It's so funny.
It's just it feels good.
I think that dating a dude who is really concerned with your sexual pleasure is literally the Holy Grail for anyone.
Yeah, definitely.
That's what I love about being with Cameron.
I understand him.
He understands me.
And, you know, we talk about sex.
We have communication, and I think it's very unique.
I think, and I hope that, as a culture, we are finally beginning to understand or to expand the definition of sex beyond just, like, this heteronormative idea of, like, you go like this, you know what I mean? -Right.
-Right.
And that's true for straight people, cis people, queer people, right? -Yeah.
People, whatever they are, trans, cis, it's not just about parts fitting together, absolutely.
It's, you know, it also takes place on a higher plane.
No matter what your gender or sexual orientation, engaging in open conversations around sex and sexuality can be transformative not only on a personal level but for society at large.
Plus respectful conversations around sex are just undeniably sexy.
I'm hopeful that it'll get better as the months go by.
It's wonderful that I have Cameron who is understanding.
Learning how to please the other partner is just kind of something you're always learning and always constantly evolving in a relationship.
I don't think you ever stop learning your partner no matter how long you're together.
I was able to experience, you know, love and intimacy in giving Aly pleasure before and after surgery.
It's just reinforcing the fact that it's about the person.
It's not about the plumbing.
Sex is more than just physical.
It's also, like, the spiritual connection.
We are not talking about sex in the trans community.
When people in our community say, "Don't ask me about my genitals," I have to disagree, and I want to talk about my genitals because I live an amazing life with a vagina.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Karley: I love talking to my girlfriends about sex stuff.
It's like a sewing circle, but for sluts.
[ Telephone rings .]
Oh, that must be one of my slutty friends now.
Nomi: Hey, girl.
It's Nomi.
You know what we don't talk about enough? -What? -Sex in the trans community.
True.
I wonder why.
I'm not transgender and therefore cannot speak to the trans experience.
But as a sex-positive, slut-positive feminist, I've always found talking openly about sex extremely valuable and fun.
My friend Nomi Ruiz is a singer, performer, and an outspoken voice in the trans community.
I really appreciate you talking to me about sex because it's my favorite subject.
Oh, my God.
Mine too.
That's why we get along so well.
Sex is a big part of my brand.
It's a big part of my message.
It's a big part of my music and my art.
I would love to, like, see it more in pop culture and people having more fun with conversations with it and, like, not taking it so serious and just, like, having fun with sex.
I agree.
Last year, I interviewed Nomi in an article for Vogue, where she described her experience going through gender confirmation surgery and how it affected her sex life.
How do you think the conversation around sex within the trans community has evolved over the past handful of years? We've really made a big impact on culture, which is amazing.
At the same time, in Hollywood, they have been exploiting the trans narrative.
When people think of Laverne Cox and other prominent trans people were saying, "Stop talking about surgery, stop talking about sex," did you agree with them to a degree? Your private parts are different now, aren't they? I don't want to talk about it because it's really personal.
The preoccupation with transition, with surgery, objectifies trans people, and then we don't get to really deal with the real lived experiences, the reality of trans people's lives.
I feel that, you know, my community has done a lot to create boundaries with society that let people know they don't have access to our bodies and that we are entitled to our privacy, and we shouldn't be objectified.
If you wouldn't ask that to, like -Tom Cruise.
-Nicole Kidman, yeah, then why would you feel like you have access to that information? But, at the same time, I feel like those boundaries have made it a little difficult to talk about sex and sexuality.
Not talking about something sometimes makes it feel shameful, and it isn't.
And so, somehow, we have to, like, break the barrier because there is a time and place to talk about sex.
It's okay to talk about sex.
It should be your choice.
It should be You know, you should be in control of that dialogue and that narrative.
Sluts.
Sluts for life.
[ Laughs .]
Karley: Clear boundaries have been set in regard to conversations around sex in order to respect the privacy of transgender people, but there is a movement within the trans community to open up a dialogue around sex and sexuality in a respectful, healthy way.
So I came to LA to meet Cameron and Aly, a couple who have a particularly unique personal story.
Hey.
Hi, how are you? Hi.
Come on in.
Thank you.
I was born in the same town Cameron is from.
Small world.
I know.
But that's not how you met, right? -No.
-No.
Not at all.
We actually met through social media initially.
-Millennial.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
It was Instagram, actually.
We started following each other.
I remember I got that message from you.
The modern-day rom-com, like, "I slid into your DMs.
" Seriously.
Slid into the DMs.
[ Laughs .]
You should make breakfast.
You can help me.
Well, we'll make it together.
Yeah, buddy.
How would you like your eggs? Scrambled.
Things don't always, you know, appear as they are at first glance.
A stranger would maybe assume that we were cis and straight.
We do receive that cis-hetero-passing privilege, and we should be bringing to light the fact that we're actually trans, and then we've had, you know, surgeries and whatnot, so we can kind of challenge people's perceptions and assumptions.
Aside from, like, the serendipity of meeting each other, both being trans, both being from the same place, you guys also were going through the experience of surgery at almost exactly the same time.
Yeah, it's crazy that, within months of each other, we had surgery.
It also seems like a very difficult and intense time in your lives.
I don't think there was a lot of difficulty for me, at least.
We had different surgeries, right, and so just, for me, like, adjusting to a new body, which I talked before with you, yeah, it's -- I mean, you change.
You change physically.
It's something that takes time to adjust.
10 -- T-minus 10, 9 Put extra love into it, babe.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Microwave beeps .]
Yes.
There's been changes in our intimacy as far as, like, sex.
Before, I was awkward because I wasn't comfortable with what I had, and then now I'm awkward because I don't know what to do with what I have.
I think that's been a difficult part.
Why did you guys think it was important to talk publicly about your relationship and your sexuality? I wanted to just talk about it and, like, so someone doesn't feel alone.
Like, they might be feeling like, "Oh, I'm a freak.
I can't figure out my body.
" They're not alone.
Yeah, I think it's just great to bring visibility to all the different kinds of trans experiences out there.
I mean, there's not just one way to be trans.
It's important to just shed light on all the different, you know, ways that trans people can be sexual.
[ Laughs .]
It's painful.
It's really painful.
Yeah, I'd be scared of that.
Gender is all socially constructed.
People are so hung up on it, and it's all bullshit.
I remember you said, "Oh, I don't like oral sex from guys.
" And I didn't even realize it was just because the guys sucked.
Karley: Cameron and Aly have supported each other through recovery after their gender-confirming surgeries.
But of course they each had their own unique experience.
Today, Cameron is getting back to his regular iron-pumping routine, so I am joining him at the gym to sit on the sidelines in a leather skirt and lazily watch him sweat.
I honestly identified as a butch lesbian for, like, the first 25 years or so of my life.
And, also, I'm a very physical person.
I was a semi-professional rugby player at one point.
My journey, discovering my trans identity, came during the years that I was playing rugby.
The fitter I am, the better I pass.
And is this the first time you're working out? Yeah, 7 weeks post-op, and this is the first time I've been back in a gym, so it feels really good.
You got top surgery.
Yes.
Can you explain what that means? My surgeon was able to reduce the size of my breast tissue, and he did a procedure where he actually kept the blood supply and the nerve ending attached to the nipples, and then made them more cis-looking, which means smaller and farther out to the side.
I feel much more comfortable in my skin now after having top surgery.
I would oftentimes wear shirts or tank tops during sex, never be completely naked with your partner.
And now I can be, so that's, like, another level of intimacy that you can achieve, right? You know, fuck having tits, right? It's like [ Laughs .]
Do you identify as a straight man? To be technical, it is heterosexual because I'm attracted to the opposite, but I say, overall, I identify as trans queer because I still want to honor my queer experience of, you know, those 25 years of being a stone-cold butch dyke.
It just is so complicated.
It feels like, at a point with sexuality and gender, it's, like, should we just, like, have no labels because it's, like, too much.
Gender is all socially constructed anyway, so it's all bullshit.
People are so hung up on it, and it's so important to just realize, like, the fluidity of people's gender expression and then their sexuality, and it so beautifully evolves for a lot of us.
It's not just fixed in one way.
Karley: For Cameron, surgery has increased his confidence and his ability to be intimate.
But the process of recovery can be complex.
Aly: I had my surgery about 7 months ago.
Everybody just thinks like, "Oh, a penis or, like, a clitoris are not the same," but they're very similar.
And so they just, like, reshape it and, like, reposition, right? There's a very physical process that you have to go through in recovery to surgery, right? Mm-hmm.
There's a muscle in that area.
That muscle is not used to having a cavity, so if you don't keep it open, it'll close.
So it's really important to dilate.
You have to dilate every day.
Can you explain what dilation is? So you pretty much get this silicone rod dildo-type thing.
It's not as erotic as it sounds.
It's just really hard.
Do you want to see them? Yeah.
It's made perfectly to fit, and it has little dots to indicate the size.
They're a little thicker at the ends, but they're all the same length.
I started with this one.
This is the one I learned with.
My depth is about right here.
And then this one, I'm terrified of just because it I mean, it's not that thick, but it looks Yeah, I'd be scared of that.
It looks big.
It's painful.
It's really painful, and your nerves, they become numb from kind of the trauma they go through, and they start coming back, and it hurts like hell.
There's depression too.
I'm still depressed, I feel, and I didn't think I would be depressed.
You would think that I'd be really happy, and What do you think the depression is from? As a trans woman, I guess I have expectations for myself that I've created since I was very little of what I want to look like.
I thought, "Once I get surgery, I'll be happy," but I'm still not.
Do other people in the community or other trans women who have gone through surgery talk about something similar? So when I looked online to see if it had the information regarding post-op about sex, about post-op life, it was really hard to find.
There seemed to be kind of, like, shame and kind of a stigma to talk about it.
It takes a lot of courage for Aly to open up about how she's still struggling after her surgery.
It reminds me of what Nomi said about going through similar struggles.
When I decided to have my surgery, I just felt so isolated and so alone, and I was, like, terrified.
There was just so much that I didn't expect, you know, and it's been a learning process.
Still, to this day, I'm learning more and more and more.
If we just talk about it more, I think it doesn't have to be so isolating and so scary.
What do you want to say to young women of trans experience about sex and about sexuality that you wish someone had told you when you were younger? I feel like a lot of girls going through this journey blame their body, or, like, they blame their trans-ness.
I remember there was this one guy going down on me for, like, an hour, and I'm trying to get into it because I'm like, "I have to enjoy this.
It would suck if I don't.
" And I'm like, "It's a disaster.
I can't focus.
I'm in pain.
" I'm just like, "What is something" And I would blame it on myself.
And I didn't even realize it was just because the guy sucked.
And then, like, when I kept, you know, trying, and I met something that was amazing, it was, of course, heavenly.
Oh, it's real.
It's so real.
That's what I want to share with other people.
There is, like, a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.
It's liberating to a woman who has been forced to have this open mind with sex and sexuality and gender and the human body.
It's sexy, you know.
I think so.
I think so too.
Sluts! [ Laughs .]
It was embarrassing to be a man with a vagina.
And there were my fingers, inside of me, and I had the most amazing orgasm of my life.
Karley: Few people have advocated for the importance of an open conversation around sex in the trans community more than Buck Angel.
Buck is an LGBTQ activist, a sex educator, a sex-toy inventor, and a pornographer.
Respect.
Karley: Do you think that now we're finally getting to a point where the idea of transsexuality is something that we can talk about, and people are more accepting of? No.
I don't think so.
[ Laughs .]
No.
I tend to be one of the only people out there really pushing for talking about, you know, sex within the trans community, and I get a lot of pushback from parts of this community, of the trans community, that I don't speak for the community.
I don't speak for anybody but myself.
Some of us choose to talk about our genitals, and some of us don't.
But I think, by not having the conversation, we have shut down our own needs and our own desires and our own self-awareness.
Buck also holds workshops to promote an open conversation around sex.
And, tonight, he's invited me to join one of his candid group hangs.
I started my workshops because I wanted to start to help guys to figure out how to get to that next level of accepting your body sexually and actually engaging physically.
Hi, everybody.
Thanks for coming.
It's so awesome that you guys all showed up.
[ Laughs .]
Sex is an important part of being a human being, and one of the things that totally changed my life was learning how to have sex in my body, which was the body I hated most of my life.
So I started to have to think to myself, "Will I be a man with my vagina?" because the world says no.
So this is exactly how I decided not to get a penis -- masturbation.
One day, in my secret little masturbation club that I would have at home under my covers, I would jack off.
And there I was, jacking off all crazy, and then my fingers slipped inside of me, and I had never been penetrated before.
Never wanted to.
That felt very feminine to me.
It felt like it was woman's stuff, and I'm not interested in that.
And there were my fingers, inside of me, and I had the most amazing orgasm of my life that I will never forget.
That is definitely when the clouds parted, and I was like, "I saw God," and I was like, "And why would I get rid of my vagina?" Now, I don't want you to think that my whole process in that is to discourage people from having surgery because it isn't.
My message is to be yourself.
If you want to have bottom surgery, do it.
If you don't, no.
But the point is is that I live an amazing life with a vagina.
When I used to go to trans support groups, the most important question that the facilitator had said one day is like, "What you need to ask yourself is, 'When is it going to be enough?'" Right.
"'When are you going to be enough?'" Right.
Because, yeah, it could be XYZ, and you're still not happy, so Happiness comes from inside.
Exactly.
That's the key.
It's so simple.
Like, this is your journey.
Do it your way.
Like, I'm not on testosterone, and I'm comfortable with that, and guys ask me all the time, "Yo, bro, like, how did you get that beard?" And I'm like, "Oh, well, I went another route," because a lot of bros don't know you can have beard transplant surgery.
There are options that you can do for yourself.
You don't have to compare and contrast yourself to other people.
Every single one of us in this room have been brainwashed to feel gender is a certain way, "You don't have a penis, you're not a man.
" That's controlling.
With that said, a lot of trans men are not at the level I'm at with my vagina.
So what I said to myself was, "How do I get trans men to feel comfortable in their bodies?" So I kept thinking, "How can I get them, how can I get them," and I'm like, "A toy.
" This is the very first transgender male sex toy in the world.
So I designed it specifically to have the look of a penis a little bit, right? So this fits over top of the clitoris like that, so now when you're masturbating, what are you doing? You're jacking off.
So instead of touching your vagina, you're jacking off like a guy.
So that was an amazing thing, to be able to create a product that gave men permission to masturbate and gave men permission to say, "My body is okay, and I'm okay.
" So I have guys writing me now and saying, "I don't even use it anymore.
I now touch myself.
" That, to me, is everything.
If you do not love your body and you don't understand your body, however your body is, nobody else will love your body.
I equate a lot of myself and my confidence to sex, and it's why I like to talk about sex and why I think, within the trans community, we better start to talk about sex.
[ Cheers and applause .]
I thank you guys.
I appreciate it.
Karley: Buck's talk was such a great experience.
It was really clear how important his work is to people.
I just think that it's so healthy for people to talk about sex in, like, such a raw and honest way, like, whether you're trans or not trans.
People are looking for an opportunity to have that conversation, and him being so open about it is really giving people permission to start talking about that.
What up, bro? Nice to meet you finally.
It's kind of been, like, taboo to talk about sex within the trans community.
So with Buck inviting this conversation, it's like, "Wow.
Okay.
It is uncomfortable.
It's different.
We're different, but we're valued, we're human, and we deserve the right to have sex.
" Sex is fun.
Yeah.
It's great.
I love it.
Aly: As a person, I finally feel free.
I feel liberated, but I don't feel that way around sex.
Aly: When it came to transitioning, I've never thought about my sexuality.
I've transitioned for myself.
But being post-op, I want to feel pleasure with my partner.
Karley: How would you say that the way that you guys are intimate with each other has changed as you've gone through these parts of your transition together? As a person, I feel free.
I finally free.
I feel liberated, but I don't feel that way around sex right now.
Do you have goals for your sex life? I have a goal I guess just to be comfortable with my body so I could just be as freaky as possible [ Laughs .]
without feeling uncomfortable.
You know, having penetrative sex, that is a goal, I think, of ours.
We're still so freshly, you know, out of Aly's surgery that we're still in a stage of her getting used to dilating, getting used to having penetration.
We understand that that's, you know, going to take time, and I think it's just being respectful of her and creating that safe space for her to be more and more comfortable it key.
-So respectful.
-Like, literally.
It's so funny.
It's just it feels good.
I think that dating a dude who is really concerned with your sexual pleasure is literally the Holy Grail for anyone.
Yeah, definitely.
That's what I love about being with Cameron.
I understand him.
He understands me.
And, you know, we talk about sex.
We have communication, and I think it's very unique.
I think, and I hope that, as a culture, we are finally beginning to understand or to expand the definition of sex beyond just, like, this heteronormative idea of, like, you go like this, you know what I mean? -Right.
-Right.
And that's true for straight people, cis people, queer people, right? -Yeah.
People, whatever they are, trans, cis, it's not just about parts fitting together, absolutely.
It's, you know, it also takes place on a higher plane.
No matter what your gender or sexual orientation, engaging in open conversations around sex and sexuality can be transformative not only on a personal level but for society at large.
Plus respectful conversations around sex are just undeniably sexy.
I'm hopeful that it'll get better as the months go by.
It's wonderful that I have Cameron who is understanding.
Learning how to please the other partner is just kind of something you're always learning and always constantly evolving in a relationship.
I don't think you ever stop learning your partner no matter how long you're together.
I was able to experience, you know, love and intimacy in giving Aly pleasure before and after surgery.
It's just reinforcing the fact that it's about the person.
It's not about the plumbing.
Sex is more than just physical.
It's also, like, the spiritual connection.