SMILF (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 [DARK MUSIC.]
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
And I was an orphan Till you came along I was an orphan Till you came along Life wasn't so fun In fact, it was wrong But all that's left to do is Hold on [WHISTLING.]
[HUMS.]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Happy Father's Day.
What? - Come on, let me see Larry.
- Mm, no.
But it's Father's Day, Bridgette.
Oh, what you think because Hallmark made up some bullshit holiday, I'm just gonna forget what you did? "Best dad ever"? Ha, what did you get that to give to Larry to give to you? No, I bought the balloon to give to Larry to read it to you.
Okay, you essentially kidnapped Larry from my mom to get him baptized.
That is fucked up on so many levels.
You can't be mad at me forever.
I kinda can.
Bridgette.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
Hi.
Panda.
I don't know, Larry.
Where did you put it? [EXHALES.]
Uh oh, I think it's over here.
- Panda.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[GROANS.]
Where did we leave it? [LARRY.]
Panda.
Panda.
- Panda.
- I know.
I'm looking.
- [CRYING.]
My panda.
- Do not worry.
We will find it.
I promise you, we will find it.
Where did you last leave the panda? Is it in here? Is it in here? Panda.
[SOBBING.]
All right, maybe Maybe it's at Tutu's.
[LARRY.]
Mommy, where's my panda? [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
- Hey.
- Hi, do you have Panda? Let me look, honey.
No, I don't have Panda.
Listen, when you come, bring some vanilla extract, okay? Okay, I need to find Panda or Larry's going to die.
Bridgette, I'm gonna die.
Probably in less than ten years.
So you better come over and celebrate Father's Day for Mothers with me.
Fuck Father's Day for Mothers.
You baptized my kid.
So somebody put water on his head.
What's the big deal? Come on, it's Father's Day for Mothers.
I can't believe you're this mad.
Well, I am, okay? [SIGHS.]
Did you hang up? Did you put it in the bag? Daddy.
No, Larry, it's not at Daddy's.
It has to be here.
Hey, Lize, think your friend's having a nervous breakdown.
Bridge, what the hell are you doing? - What? - My dad is gonna be here - in an hour.
- Well, you better - start cleaning up.
- I'm not cleaning up your shit.
Well, I gotta find Panda.
Ow.
[DARK SYNTH MUSIC.]
Ally.
Okay, if you were on the Oregon Trail and you could bring one thing, what would you bring? Coconut water.
- They don't have coconut water.
- Bridgette - Falafel - Bridgette, do I have an eyelash growing out of the side of my face? - Let me see.
- Just started using Latisse.
- Um, I don't think - You know what? The light's better in my bathroom.
Come.
- Watch Larry.
- Hey, Larry.
I gotta go to Ally's.
Will you just watch him? - I'll be right back.
- What Bridge Well can't he just play with this? I can't give him a plastic tomato.
- It's an apple.
- Okay, well, I need the panda.
It's the only thing that goes from my place to Rafi's to Tutu's, and if I lose it, it it's my fault.
But my dad is coming over, Bridge.
[BRIDGETTE.]
I know, I get it, but it's his one constant.
It makes him feel secure and safe.
- Right? - Yes.
[BRIDGETTE.]
And it helps you have good dreams? - [LARRY.]
Yes.
- And you can't live without it.
- Right? - No.
- Okay, Bridge.
- And it makes him feel loved and he's had it since he was a baby, - and I just need to find it.
- Yeah, I said okay.
Okay, thanks, I'll be right back.
It'll be two shows before he even notices I'm gone.
Thank you.
I'll be back so soon with Panda.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[VOCALIST SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
- [ALLY.]
Bridge! - Hi, Ally.
[MUSIC FADES.]
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
Sorry for barging in.
Uh, Larry left his panda here.
Have you seen it? Oh, great, you know what? Could you actually help with cutting out some of these pictures for a collage for Mr.
Daddy? Ida's terrible with scissors.
We just need all hands on deck.
- Yeah, no problem, but, um - Thank you.
I need to find Panda.
You haven't seen it, have you? Mom, mom, mom, how do you spell massage? Actually, can you make sure that Baby Scott is not misspelling everything in the coupon book - he's making for Mr.
Daddy? - Okay.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
Uh, you haven't seen, uh, Larry's panda, have you? [SCOTT.]
No.
But he can have one of mine.
[BRIDGETTE.]
[SIGHS.]
He really needs his panda.
It's his one constant.
[SIGHS.]
I mean, it's bad enough he has to split time between his two parents.
- That would be terrible.
- You think so? Oh, shit! I burned it.
Oh, that's why I wanted you to have Ida - help you with this.
- I-I'm sorry.
[ALLY.]
It's red velvet.
It's Mr.
Daddy's favorite.
Well, sorry isn't good enough, Chloe, okay? [CHLOE.]
I didn't fucking mean to, okay? I mean, now we have no fucking dessert! - One S or two? - It's two S's.
Like dessert.
M-A-S-S-A-G-E.
- I told you it was two S's.
- [SMOKE ALARM BEEPING.]
[ALLY.]
Oh, for fuck's sake! Is there anybody who can help me here? - Oh.
- [CHLOE.]
Okay, careful.
[ALLY.]
Watch the pendants.
Watch the lights.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Okay.
Okay.
- [ALLY.]
Pendants.
- [ALLY.]
It's not helping.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Okay, I'm sorry.
It's not You know what, I'm gonna go do my card in peace.
I got it.
Motherfucker.
[GRUNTING.]
Oh, hey, Ally.
Just looking for Panda.
[GROANS.]
You haven't seen it, have you? Hey, um, you know what, Bridgette? I have a silly, silly, silly question for you.
- Okay.
- [ALLY.]
Do you remember when I lent you $500 and you did not pay me back? Oh, yeah, uh, you want me to pay you back? I mean, I could just not charge you for today.
That's okay.
Could I ask you a favor instead? - Yeah, what do you need? - Um Oh, you want me to write Mr.
Daddy's card? I could do that.
Yes, but not exactly.
I was going to ask you if you would ever consider Doing a sleepover.
- A sleepover? - [ALLY.]
Mm-hmm.
You want me to stay with the kids one night? No, that's not what I mean at all.
I mean, like, if you would ever consider doing a sleepover with Mr.
Daddy and me.
A sleepover sleepover? A sleepover sleepover.
[LAUGHS.]
The fun kind.
Like [WHISPERING.]
Where we touch each other's genitals.
Ally.
Mr.
Daddy's actually really goofy, and surprisingly kind.
Okay.
Also, he really owes me.
Hmm.
Well it might get kind of awkward with the kids, um - Oh oh, no.
- What if they walked in on us.
Oh, God, that'd be really bad.
Especially with Casey.
What if I got pregnant? I am very fertile.
Oh, would that baby be part of the trust fund? Would the baby live here or would it live with me or we'd do, like, kind of a share thing? I guess Larry wouldn't be part of the trust fund.
That would make him feel bad.
Maybe Larry could get in on the trust fund so everyone's happy.
Yeah, you're really taking the fun out of this.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I was joking.
- I know.
It was hilarious.
- I was April Fools, Father's Day.
I was really hoping you'd just say yes.
I don't really know if that's how I wanna spend my Father's Day.
[SIGHS.]
Mr.
Daddy bought me a new horse.
Did I tell you that? Yeah.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- [TUTU.]
Bridgette! - [GROANS.]
- What're you doing here? - We're celebrating Father's Day and Father's Day for Mothers at the house.
- Well, I'm not going.
- Yes, you are.
It's a family tradition.
- Well, I'm not I'm not going.
- Really? Well, we're not here for you anyway.
We're here for our favorite family member.
- Well, he's not going either.
- Oh, is that so? Bridgette, look what I bought.
You're not gonna fix this with a horse.
- It's a panda.
- Well, it's still not gonna fix anything.
I can't believe you're not gonna let this go.
It's fucking Father's Day.
[TAPE REWINDS.]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
- What? - It's Father's Day.
Oh, because Hallmark made up some bullshit holiday, you think I'm gonna forget what you did? I told you I was sorry.
- Are those balloons? - Yeah! You're gonna give one to Larry to give to you? Bridgett, don't be a bitch.
- Fuck you, Rafi.
- I said I was sorry and you can't be mad at me forever.
Watch me! [SLAMS DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
- Hi.
- My panda! Do you have Panda? You know, I'm a senior citizen, Bridgette.
I could go at any time.
You know what? Fuck Father's Day for Mothers.
- You baptized my kid.
- Get over it, Bridgy.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- Panda.
- I don't know where it is.
- Where are you, stupid panda? - Lize, I think your friend's - having a nervous breakdown.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Nervous breakdown.
What the hell is going on? Bridge, my dad is gonna be here - in an hour.
- Well, I gotta find Panda.
Your room.
I don't get it.
Clowns are not scary.
Yeah, I mean, clown phobia has gotten way out of hand.
- Pan Panda.
- I'll tell you what's scary.
It's those fucking cotton candy machines.
Stick your hand in there, just get it ripped off.
- [GROWLING PLAYFULLY.]
- I'm telling you.
- I just cleaned it.
- I'm going in there.
- [ELIZA.]
Uh-uh.
- It's the only thing that goes between my place, Tutu's, and Rafi's.
I need that panda.
Instead of worrying about a fucking panda, you need to be cleaning this shit the fuck up because my dad doesn't even know that you're living here.
- Eliza, Panda is in your room.
- You're not going in my room.
- I'm going in your room.
- No, you're not.
- I am going in that room.
- You're not going in my room.
- Okay, I need to go in.
- No.
No.
- Bridgette, are you fu - Come on, come on, I gotta go.
[BRIDGETTE.]
I'm going in.
- [ELIZA.]
Bridge.
- What? I have to finish getting ready.
Well, you're wearing, like, four outfits.
Why don't you just pick one of those? Get the fuck out of my room.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
You know what? I'm sorry, I'm stressed.
My dad is coming over, he's gonna notice that I've gained.
And you're not making it any better with this panda shit.
Well, I'm sorry, you have not gained.
- I've gained.
- He doesn't care about you, you're not his fucking daughter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You guys both need to chill out.
How are you so calm? Dad is coming over.
- I'm on mushrooms.
- Uh-uh.
- Magic mushrooms? - [REGINA.]
Yeah.
My friend is doing her dissertation on mushroom's effect on depression and anxiety.
- You want some? - Yeah.
- I don't no.
- Okay.
I want some.
I want some not.
Well, don't freak out about it because it's just, you know, microdose.
Like, you're probably not gonna feel it.
Is it bad to do it around Larry? No, it might even make you a better parent.
Like, it's just it it just chills you out.
You your mind gets really clear.
Maybe you'll find Panda.
- That sounds nice.
- That sounds really nice.
I'm gonna go get it.
[BOTH.]
Are you really gonna do it? I don't know.
Are you gonna do it? Fuck, I don't know.
You know, weed is my thing.
I don't really know about the 'shrooms.
You know what I'm saying? I think 'shrooms is my thing.
I just don't know it yet.
- Okay.
- All right, well, here you go, guys.
- Nice - Fuck it.
Give me.
And you sure this is gonna make me calm? Yes, you know what, it might even give you some compassion.
Dad has got a lot of his own shit going on right now.
[SCOFFS.]
That's easy for you to say.
He thinks you're perfect.
He fucking weighs me every Christmas.
Okay, well, it's probably because grandma died of a heart attack and he's just over-correcting.
Can I have another piece? I got really thick blood.
This isn't helping me find anything to wear.
[MOODY POP MUSIC.]
[EXHALES.]
I love playing dress up.
[SIGHS.]
This is not helping me find the panda.
Everybody cracked - The panda.
- Everybody falls It was here the whole time.
Don't you follow me [ADULT LARRY.]
Hey, Mom, have you ever thought about how on "SpongeBob" Mr.
Crabs only thinks about money and financial gain? Every episode, he learns the same thing: Money doesn't buy you happiness.
Is that true? [SIGHS.]
Well, it doesn't buy you happiness, but it does make it easier to be happy.
- Hmm.
- Love, love, love, love [ADULT LARRY.]
I know we don't have money, Mom, but don't worry, I'm happy.
You are? [SIGHS.]
[ADULT LARRY.]
Now pass me that lipstick.
I love the way it feels on my lips.
Really? I hate it.
[ELIZA.]
I can't breathe.
It's drowning me.
Shame clothes.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Shed them, Princess.
Shed them.
- Everybody dreamt - [SIGHS.]
- Do you need a massage? - Always.
- Do you need to massage me? - Mm-hmm.
Where's the panda? [BRIDGETTE.]
Panda's gone.
Nanobots are eliminating heart disease.
I mean, the number one killer of black women in this country, boom, gone.
Yeah, but isn't it kind of just treating more of the symptom than the cause? Oh, my little brainiac.
[LARRY BABBLING.]
Where's Papa Rafi today? I don't know and I don't care.
Oh, hmm, maybe you'll meet somebody.
I don't care about that either, Phil.
Mm, don't count yourself out.
A little lipstick, style your hair, you never know.
And boys need men in their lives.
- [LARRY.]
What're you doing? - [CRUNCHING.]
[LARRY.]
Penguins.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Get me one of these.
[ELIZA STRAINING.]
Chip.
Please, I just want one.
Why are you taking them from me? What? Oh, no, no, no, no, I wasn't taking them.
I was just Hey, maybe leave a little bit of room.
Regina made fajitas.
[REGINA.]
Yeah, you love my fajitas.
You know what? I love you, but this is your shit.
This is your shit! Away with your shit.
- Come on, what're you doing? - Away! - Take your shame clothes.
- Just stop.
Just stop.
Away with all of your shit, Dad.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [ELIZA.]
Matter of fact - Stop.
[ELIZA.]
Take a good look at me.
I'm beautiful and I'm your daughter! I'm your daughter and I'm beautiful! Whoo! Come on, Bridge.
Get your ass up.
We are queens.
There's nothing wrong with our bodies.
- Okay.
- We are beautiful.
Yes.
Away with his shit.
Away.
It's nothing wrong with me.
Whoo! - Power pose.
- Power pose.
Oh! No shame.
Yeah, no shame.
They ain't know they did yoga in Southie, did they? They didn't know they did yoga in Southie, did they? Be you, Larry.
Always.
Be you, Larry.
Always.
Be you, Larry.
Always.
Always.
Always! Whoo.
Hell yeah.
[TUTU.]
Bridgette? - [TUTU.]
Bridge! - Oh, shoot.
Um Tutu's out there.
I'll be right back.
- Ugh.
- [EXHALES.]
Now I'ma motherfuckin' stand.
Ma.
Oh, what the hell are you doing? I'm your daughter and this is my body.
You got no clothes on.
- I know.
- Do you want my jacket? - You want this? - No, I don't want your jacket.
- You don't? - No.
- Bridgette.
- What? Did you take goofball pills today? What're you doing? This is my body, - and I'm your daughter.
- I know, but you don't have to put Okay.
I got this.
I got this for him.
No, I don't need your panda.
I need his panda.
His panda.
Not your panda.
His panda.
Not your panda.
It's your shit.
That's your shit.
I wish you the best, Ma, but we need to live our lives without you, okay? - Wait, what? - Just that's what's best - for me and him.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - What? - You're doing this to me now? Today? On this day? Okay.
All right, Bridgette, you have just crossed a line.
There's a line in the sand, Bridgette, - and you have crossed it.
- I really wish you the best.
Do you even care about me at all, your mother? I could be standing here in the middle of the street and get hit by a car.
[TAPE REWINDS.]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
[BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- [CRYING.]
I want me - Hi.
Okay, what's a matter? - What's a matter? - Panda! - Do you have Panda? - Father's Day for Mothers is a family tradition, Bridgette.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Fuck Father's Day for Mothers.
My dad's gonna be here in an hour.
Well, I gotta find Panda.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Nelson.
Yeah, they're called Meekeyes Show.
There you are.
I ordered them from a Chinese pharmacy online.
They say they're herbal, but really it's just Phentermine without the prescription.
[CHUCKLES.]
I thought you just had two ribs removed.
[NELSON.]
Aw, I wish, but, yeah.
I mean, these give you the runs real bad, I gotta go to Nelson's to get Panda.
- He'll last two shows.
- [ELIZA.]
Bridgette, shoes.
I need my shoes.
Thank you.
- Hey, you better be back.
- I'll be back.
Love you.
[VOCALIST SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
- Ah, happy Father's Day.
- Oh, I'm not observing.
Yeah, you are.
Come on in.
[BRIDGETTE.]
I really just need to find Panda.
What the fuck are you doing here? - Where's Larry? - [BRIDGETTE.]
He's at Eliza's.
Far away from you.
Why would he have to be far away from me, Bridgette? - Just chill, okay! - You just chill! - [BOTH YELLING AT ONCE.]
- Bridgette, Rafi okay.
All right.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! I'm here to help you.
Okay? I took a conflict mediation course for the Big Brothers/ Big Sisters Program.
- I know what I'm talking about.
- She is really good.
Yeah, so can we just talk about this please? - Fine.
Let's talk about it.
- [RAFI.]
Fine.
Let's talk.
Okay, we're not gonna find anything or talk with all this negative-Nancy energy in the apartment, okay? We have to[INHALES.]
Clear the air.
Yes, Bridgette, can you stop being so fucking immature? - [NELSON.]
Rafi - I'm immature? - Yes.
- You're immature.
- You're immature, Bridgette.
- No, you are.
Okay, let's start with some "I statements.
" Okay? You speak only for yourself.
Like, "I just went down another dress size.
" [NELSON.]
See? It's about me.
Rafi? I will talk to you before I make decisions for Larry.
I think your full of shit.
Oh, clever Trevor over here found a backdoor into that one.
That's not a fucking "I statement," Bridgette.
Why? I said, "I" and then I made a statement.
Then you said "you.
" It's an "I statement.
" - I! - Fine, let's try again.
Again.
Deep breaths.
- [NELSON.]
Okay? - Okay, I'm sorry.
I will try this.
Okay, when you baptized Larry behind my back, I felt you were disregarding what I wanted for my child.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I feel like when you make all the decisions for our son, that I don't matter.
Of course you matter.
It's just that whenever I give you responsibility, you fuck it up.
- See? This is stupid.
- What's stupid? - This is stupid.
- What is stupid? You're never gonna change the way you see me, Bridgette! Well, when you fuckin' change, I'll I am changing! What do you want from me? - [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
- Be better! Just fucking be better! - Rafi, try that.
- I am better.
I am better.
- Oh, yeah.
- So you're better than me now? - I am better than you.
- You are bett yeah.
- Hello? What, Mo? - [MO.]
Hey, Bridge.
What? I'm kind of in the middle of something.
[MO.]
Can you come to the graveyard? Wh why? [MO.]
Me and Tutu are at Grandma's grave.
Your mother got piss drunk, She's on a tear.
Well, why do I have to deal with her? [MO.]
'Cause she's your mother.
She's not listening to me.
- Oh, she's your sister.
- [MO.]
And I have had a slight amount of alcohol, so Okay, fine.
I will be there in ten minutes.
A story told a thousand times Can end a thousand ways You are the story told today 1,000 shutters closing in Open your heart but don't give in I guess it's a lot to be A spider or a lover I wish we could have had 'em under the tree.
Who? Ah, don't worry.
They don't know.
They're gone, Mo.
- They're gone, Mo.
- But they must get so hot.
- Mm.
Mm.
- Okay, you ready to go? What the hell are you doing here? Mo called me to pick you up.
Let's go.
- Give me your keys.
- I can't believe you.
[MO.]
Well, I sure in hell wasn't gonna get in a car with you.
- [MO.]
You're drunk.
- What? - BOTH: What? What? - I can't believe you ruined Father's Day for Mothers.
It is a family tradition, Bridgette.
Oh, my God, it is a holiday that makes you feel better about yourself.
Now get over it.
It is a holiday I created so you wouldn't feel sad every si - So you wouldn't feel sad.
- No, you wouldn't feel bad when you were a little girl 'cause it was not easy - bein' a single mother.
- I am a single mother.
Yeah, but you have me.
I'm there for you.
I cook you ziti with the real sauce.
I do everything.
My mother did nothing.
[SCOFFS.]
Dad did nothing.
He was in jail for rape.
- What? - He had a head injury.
You named me after a rapist? Francis is a beautiful name.
You could have given me any other middle name.
Should have named her after our mother.
Mary.
Mary was a saint and I stand by that.
No, she was not.
You wanna know what I think of Mary? Are you ready? - Don't you dare pee on Mommy.
- Yeah, oh, here I go.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna pee on Daddy's grave.
I gotta go anyway.
- [TUTU.]
Ooh, hit my shoe.
- Ma.
[MO.]
I'm peein' on Dad's grave.
- [TUTU.]
All right.
- Ma, this was 40 years ago.
Yeah, you know what, Bridgy? It feels like yesterday.
And when you're my age, you'll be doing the same thing to me.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- [TUTU.]
Yeah, and Larry, he'll be doing it to you.
- Mm-mm.
No.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's how it goes, honey.
Like it or not.
No, no, 'cause I love Larry.
- I give everything to Larry.
- That's life.
That's how it goes for mothers.
[INHALES.]
No, uh, no, that's not how it goes.
I'm not gonna piss on your grave, Ma.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you.
For real? Yeah.
For real.
I'm gonna forgive you if it kills me.
Oh, my God.
Give me your keys.
I'm gonna drive you home.
You know, I love you, Bridgy.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Okay.
- Good girl.
There's a bottle in the glove compartment.
- [TUTU.]
Don't spill it.
- All right, okay.
Bridgy, you'll forgive me for everything? What? Ma, I forgive [TAPE REWINDING.]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
You ready to go to Tutu's? - Yeah.
- M'kay, come on.
Come here.
Happy Father's Day.
You ready? And boing, boing, boing, boing.
- What's this? - Lion.
It's a lion? What does a lion say? - [QUIETLY.]
Rawr.
- No.
It goes, rawr! [TUTU.]
All right, Rafi, I think we are good to go.
Come on, get those strawberries.
- Ready.
Let's do it.
- I had no idea you were so good in the kitchen.
Say hey, here we go.
Everything's ready.
Soup's on.
- What'd you guys make? - Everything you love, honey.
Everything you love.
Well, Happy Father's Day for Mother's to you, Ma.
Thank you, Bridgette.
And to you.
Thank you.
Happy Father's Day, Raf.
And to you.
- Hey, look what I found.
- Oh, no, Joe.
Come on.
- Where did you find that? - The whole time? - Where was it? - I was sitting on it.
- He was sitting on it.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- You are too much, honey.
- You couldn't feel it? [JOE.]
No, I don't have a lot of feeling in my ass.
I can't believe you.
Give me that.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- You still make me laugh after all these years, you know that? You want me to make you a plate, honey? You come her ah, don't you do that to Joe, Bridgette.
- [JOE.]
I'll come over.
- [HORN HONKING.]
- [TUTU.]
Come on over.
- [RAFI.]
You need help, Joe? - [RAFI.]
I can help you? - [TUTU.]
Go help him, Rafi.
[TUTU.]
Go help him up.
Rafi's gonna help you, Joe.
- [TUTU.]
Go, Rafi, go help him.
- [MO.]
Rafi does everything.
Barbara & The Browns "Great Big Thing" Okay, come on.
Let's go eat.
You made a great big thing Out of a little thing You made a great big thing Out of a little thing