Solar Opposites (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Do you know why you're here?
It's probably 'cause Yumyulack
did something to get us in trouble,
as per "uush."
Oh, you mean something awesome
you tattle on me for?
I'm no snitch!
Then why are you getting stitches?
Oh my God, shut up!
You both ruined the school year
with your weird science.
You trapped the chess team
in an alternative dimension,
reanimated all the fetal pigs,
and we can't prove this,
but we're reasonably confident that
you gave Miss Kim a three-month period
after she took away your glowing orb.
- Snitch!
- Not today!
- Die! Die! Die!
- No, you don't. No, you don't.
Yumyulack, out of 180 days
of school this year,
you've been late 179 times.
And Jesse, you've been late three times.
- I'm a monster!
- It's true, she is.
If either of you are ever late
or miss class ever again,
then you will be expelled.
Which means you'll have
to go to military school,
where the bullies will fuck you.
And they make you shave your head.
But my hair defines me.
Then don't fuck up!
Oh, it's so hot
when you yell at children.
I dump a Dixie cup worth
of fuck juice in my pants
every time you put something
on their permanent record.
Oh, that shit follows them to college.
Brace yourself. I saw this on Starz.
Oh, what the fu!
Terry, a-a little help.
Really,
you're too lazy to even look at me?
Ohh, I'm limiting myself
to three neck movements a day.
I only got one left.
We need to re-facet the dorsal prism,
the lavatic reactor needs more Aa,
and you paired your phone
to the ship stereo
and I don't know how to get it off.
If I have to listen to the "Gone
in 60 Seconds" soundtrack one more time
Oh man, you know I'm too dumb to help.
Just zap yourself with the smart ray.
It takes one second.
Hard pass. Smart people are sad.
Wait. Wh-what are you doing?
Terry, get back here.
Let me shoot you with the smart ray.
- Ha ha!
- Terry!
I didn't know it would break that easy.
Hey, can you please trap Jesse
in the hell dimension? She sucks ass.
No. That dimension is for work enemies
and Ansel Elgort only.
And for trash when we forget
to put the bin out.
Yumyulack got us in trouble again.
And they for sure figured out
that shit with the orb.
Can I just quit school?
What does it matter anyway?
The Pupa is gonna evolve into
its true form and destroy this planet.
Can't I just watch TV until that happens?
- Pepsi.
- L-look, this thing is unpredictable.
It could go off in a week or in a year.
It just said "Pepsi."
Who knows what's going on with it.
Goddammit, Terry, you're supposed
to know. You're the Pupa specialist.
- Whatever.
- All right, you two, listen,
school is important
and it makes you smart,
and being smart is more important
than anything else ever.
Counterpoint: Korvo's stupid.
School is important 'cause it's super-fun
and the stakes are super-low
and there's tons of hot people there
who want to party-slash-do finger stuff.
Wait, Terry, you like school?
Heck yeah, dum-dums, school rules!
Really? You know,
we could go to school too.
Ah, I wish.
There is a school for adults
behind the cement factory, Terry.
- There is?
- Yes, we could go there.
We could get smart
and compete for the teacher's approval.
Or we could meet cool girls,
join a frat,
and never work on the ship.
Or you could learn responsibility,
become a better person,
and help me with the ship.
Terry and Korvo, going to school
for the exact same reasons.
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
The second you point out
Christ was an alien,
they get all wound up
and start yelling at you,
even though he did a bunch of alien stuff.
Get with it. It's it's no big duh.
Hey, do I look cool?
I think I look cool.
- First day of school, baby. Whoo!
- Terry, stop acting like a spaz
and just be cool like me.
Spooky robes are not cool.
You're just jealous of my swish.
God, that's so fucking cool.
This is gonna be good for you, Terry.
Maybe this will stop you
from being lazy all the time.
You know, I'm not gonna
even respond to that
because I'm too lazy
to think of a response.
Then why in God's name are you
so excited to be at the school?
Because I love classic college movies,
like "Monsters University,"
"PCU," and "The Skulls."
My plan is to do cool movie stuff
and then just cheat off you
at the end of the semester.
You know, you need to learn to not take
shortcuts all the time, Terry.
How's that for me teeing up
an episode arc for your character?
You're the one who wanted me
to zap myself with the smart gun.
Now that's an example of an appropriate
use of corner cutting, and I'll te
No, I won the argument.
Better hurry or you're gonna be late.
And then you'll have
to take a shortcut to class,
and I know how much you hate those.
I like my notes in blue ink!
Make way for my peep, beggar!
Not so fast!
- Get his bag.
- What the hell?
- Well, this is interesting.
- That belongs to The Duke.
- Not anymore.
- You're dead! You're all dead!
Like my son, you tiny bastard!
No! We don't kill.
That's what separates us
from the people that do kill.
We don't We do the opposite
of what they do.
In terms of killing, we don't.
Got it?
Hello!
Fellow students, teachers, anyone?
Today's been a great day.
No one's called me a "gay-lien,"
and I didn't have to hide in the bathroom
and pretend to have a butthole.
- Yeah, because nobody's here.
- Wait, what?
Oh my God. I didn't even notice.
What the hell?
I think we're being tested.
Principal Cooke is trying to see
if we'll be late or go to class
even when nobody's watching us.
This must be what summer school is.
An intense psychological mind game,
not unlike the Academy award-winning film
"Suicide Squad."
So don't get in my way!
You don't get in my way, buster.
This is about to be
the most epic challenge of our lives.
I don't want you messing me up.
His name was Charles Paulson Ginsburg,
but you may know him as the father
of the video cassette recorder.
I know him as the father of me.
Kegger at my place tonight.
Real college experience.
Beers and shots and we might
even steal a police horse.
I'd have to get a baby-sitter.
Well, bring them kids, girl.
We don't ID at Casa de Terry's.
Terry, shut up.
Delores, you gonna come
and get tore up at my party?
I have to go home and watch "NCIS."
This sucks.
No one's appreciated or even mentioned
that I'm dressed exactly like Van Wilder,
- you know, the mentor of Taj.
- Will you please pay attention?
That's your job. Mine is to be awesome.
I just missed what the C in VCR means.
- It could mean anything.
- Man, this is bullshit.
College is supposed to be
about partying all night
and getting into legal trouble
but my dad's a lawyer,
so I'm walking away scot-free.
Guess I have to step up my game.
Ohh! Hey, hey, whoa, look out!
Hey, I'm the Frisbee guy.
Now let's say I have
to repair a DVD player.
Is that the same as the VCR?
Ohh, I wish I knew it.
Terry, stop it. Nobody likes Frisbee.
You look like an idiot.
Hey, does the Frisbee match the drapes?
I don't know, do you have
the balls to find out?
Thank God we got the mattress
with the fabric-encased coils.
Otherwise, I'd be bouncing
all over the place.
Class is starting soon, Terry.
Were you out all night partying again?
Oh yeah, I was out all night
looking for a party.
Rumor had it the swim team
was raging at The Rock
but it was just two homeless guys dancing.
Ugh. So Jesse, Yumyulack,
how's school going for you two?
I'm in the middle of this
complicated psychological test
not unlike the Academy award-wining film
"Suicide Squad."
Yeah. And none of the teachers are there
to tell us what to do.
I'm sure that's all part of the test.
Probably just trying to get you
to think outside the box.
Oh, oh, oh, I don't mean
to live más right now
but instead of thinking outside the box,
maybe they should be thinking
outside the
Saying this goes against every fiber
of my brotherness,
but you know what we have to do.
Knife fight!
No, we can't hate each other
like siblings.
We have to hate each other academically.
We have to be each other's teachers.
Well, then look to your left
and look to your right, motherfucker,
'cause I'm about to matriculate your ass.
Do you realize what this is?
This has The Duke's whole empire.
Food caches, secret passages, and ugh,
he has his own personal '50s diner
called Bop Bops.
We can empty the stockpile
and redistribute to the rest of the wall.
And nobody will know it was us.
It's the perfect crime.
Just like in "Ocean's Thirteen."
It's Elliott Gould's best work
since the '70s.
Guys, he was also great on "Friends."
Everyone, sit down and shut up,
or I swear to God I'll have you
back on the streets before lunch.
I am gonna get real with you.
I bet you didn't know
Shakespeare was the original rapper.
Oh, did Shakespeare live
on Sedgwick Avenue
with DJ Kool Herc in the Bronx
five years before the Son of Sam?
Yeah, sure, that's why
Shakespeare's writing is like rap.
Plus he made a bunch of money
and sampled other playwrights
without giving them any credit.
This makes me like Shakespeare.
Of course it does.
My tough-yet-relatable teaching style
is breaking through your emotional armor.
And how.
Aah!
Terry, I'm trying to study,
which is what you should be doing.
I am. I'm studying
how to get into a drumline,
like in that movie "Whiplash."
Do you have any idea what happens
if you fail out of school, Terry?
I assume it's some type
of spanking situation.
No, I thought school would give you
some discipline.
Instead, you've left me no other choice.
If you fail, no more TV,
no more video games, and no more Hulu,
the subscription-based service.
But Netflix doesn't have
the Hulu production
of the Hulu presentation
of "The Looming Tower."
How do I know what happens
about "The Looming Tower," Korvo.
That's the only way you'll learn.
Can't you just make me glasses that
allow me to see through people's bodies
so I can cheat off of them.
Obviously yes,
but not in time for the test.
Wait, no, I-I'm not helping you
cut corners anymore.
You have to do this on your own.
That's that arc popping its head up again.
Argh! Okay. Fine.
I'll go get my books.
Dammit, I can't even shoot myself
with the smart ray.
What am I gonna do?
Pupa, you know you can't play
with the dumb ray.
If you shoot anyone,
they'll become super dumb and fun.
Like me.
Hah! This human math
is honestly very easy.
They haven't even found the number
that comes before zero.
- What are you doing with the dumb ray?
- I'm holding it.
Get dumb, motherfucker.
Terry, we're only supposed
to use that in emergencies,
when we're overthinking things.
That's what's happening right now.
Please don't make me dumb. None of
my podcasts are gonna make any sense.
If you're dumb and I'm dumb,
then we can be dumb together.
But that plan is dumb.
Ow!
Oh my gosh, Korvo. Are you okay?
Hey, bud, how you feeling?
Are you dumb now?
I wanna watch
the "Look Who's Talking" trilogy
and eat hot dogs with ketchup.
Yeah! Dab it!
I love getting beer in my body
as fast as I can.
Preaching to the choir, bro.
Do you wanna buy everything
on the McDonald's menu
and smoosh it together into a big ball
and then eat it with a knife
and fork with me?
Yes, a million times, yes.
2Pac is like oxygen
because we need him to live,
while Sisqo is more like plutonium
because he was kinda just
a one-hit wonder
that we've forgotten about.
Wow, I never realized that
every school subject is basically rap.
That's the most rap thing
you've said all day.
A plus.
Oh crap. We're running out of time.
It's my turn. Teach me now.
Well, welcome to English 101.
Everyone, pick up your textbook.
Now throw it out!
We won't be needing it.
I teach from the heart.
Wait. Actually, go grab it from the trash.
Yeah, we're gonna rely heavily
on the text.
- Now throw it out!
- Oh, come on!
Rager at our place.
Party starts at triple question marks
and goes till 2:00 a. m.
We have a hard out.
Grab onto here. Hold here.
Spider! Nobody move.
Fuck you, spider.
Ugh, why did we start the party
at triple question mark?
People have been rolling in all day.
Who wants to see me smash this bottle.
Yeah!
Touch my robes.
Someone touch my fucking robes.
Okay, I got a 95, you got a 33.
Ah, we passed, and we were
at school every single day.
- Yeah, we did it!
- Yay!
I said we were here every day!
Hey, we did it.
You can come out now.
What are you waiting for?
Huh. You'd think they'd be raring
to get out here.
Unless nobody's been watching us
and when they said we couldn't miss
a day of school,
they meant when everyone else
was here too.
So we got along this whole time
for no reason?
I guess so. So, now what?
You wanna trash the school
with sci-fi stuff?
Fuck yeah.
Hey, watch out!
- Ooh, yeah. Whoo!
- Yeah!
All right, one of us has
to attach this to the door
and get away before it detonates.
I've been practicing avoiding explosions
in my free time,
- so I think I can pull it off.
- No.
In the before-fore, I was
a 7-Eleven employee.
A really bad one.
I was mean to everyone, and I used
to piss in the Slurpee machine.
But things are different in here.
In here, I can die a hero.
Bryson, I just told you.
Nobody has to die,
because I think I can jump away
- well before the explosion
- Blaze of glory!
Oh shit.
- Run! Run, Bryson!
- Bryson, run!
No! There's no time.
Oh, okay. Actually, there may
- Aah!
- Bryson!
Holy shit!
Ah. I'm alive.
But I'm blind.
You should have run.
Why didn't you run?
Oh no, my dick got blown off.
I'm blind and I have no dick.
- Oh.
- Uh
Please, just leave.
I'm blind and I have no dick.
Hey, I found it.
It was there all along.
Just lower than I thought.
Check this out, Terry. Watch.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't you always tell me
that pressing buttons on the ship
can be dangerous?
Don't be a little beeyatch.
- See, it's fine.
- Man, I love dumb Korvo.
Dude, Korvo, get over here
and snort this with us.
Oink-oink, mother-fuckah!
Ice lava.
It's freezing.
Oh my God and then it burns.
Ha ha, stop.
Don't laser me. That tickles.
Oh, I got you now.
- Did we make ice lava?
- I don't know. Maybe.
- Ohh!
- You're it.
No fair. I was distracted.
Korvo, what do we do?
The hot cold lava that powers the ship
is getting on everyone.
Don't worry, I know what to do.
I'm boning an alien, bro.
Stop being dumb.
You're the only one
who knows about ice lava.
Terry, I know how to fix it.
We just kick back
and watch some movie trilogies.
Th-this whole thing
will sort itself out on its own.
We don't have time for even one trilogy.
Ugh. Who would have thought
cutting corners
and making you dumb
would blow up like this.
Maybe the second "Matrix" movie
will help. They're better out of order.
Maybe if I can learn
how to fix the smart gun,
I can zap you back
into fixing the ship.
Stay here. I will make you smart again.
Hey, just 'cause I'm dumb
doesn't mean that I'm deaf.
Come on. Come on.
Ah, yes. Hey, the manual isn't too big.
Aah! Ah, crap.
Okay, Terry, you can do this.
Focus. Learn. Be smart.
Damn, Morpheus, how'd you get
those motherfucking sunglasses
to stick to your face?
Ooh, I gotta see that. No! No!
Focus.
Ooh!
Once you know how to reroute the lava
Check it out, Terry,
I'm a fucking Morpheus now.
Watch out.
I think we should invest in a racehorse
because I want to go to Kentucky
and wear a big old hat,
and also I've got a great name
for a racehorse.
Get ready. Horseus.
From the thing
we were just talking about
Will you shut the hell up?
I'm never gonna learn
how to repair the smart gun.
I'm only one chapter past
the lavatic reactor.
Oh, holy crapsters.
I accidentally learned how to repair
the lavatic reactor.
I just want you to know
if I don't make it out of this,
it has been the great honor of my life
to come to Earth with you.
Korvo, I love you
I'm gonna go hit a bullet
with a hammer, Terry. U-S-A!
U-S-A! U-S-A!
Holy shit. I think I fixed it.
I actually did something
without taking a shortcut.
W-w-what are you doing?
Hey, whoa, whoa, I thought
you were sending signals.
What? No. Man, when does
the dumb ray wear off?
- I want White Castle.
- Is this what I sound like all the time?
Whoa, Terry, let's watch
all the "Resident Evils."
Yeah, that's me.
Oh yes.
God, I love the last week
of summer break.
This place is so nice
when the kids are gone.
After this, let's do reverse cowgirl
in the theater.
Then we're ass-eating in the chem lab.
But I'm wearing open-toed sandals.
- Whoo!
- What the fuck are you doing here?
- Oh no!
- We did what you said.
We've been in our chairs
every day at 7 a. m.
How long have you been here on your own?
- We're good students. We did
- We were never late. We were on time.
Mercy. Show us mercy.
Go wait outside.
What the fuck is wrong with those two?
I don't care if they like each other.
We didn't tell them to come in all summer!
This is clearly abuse.
Maybe no one will believe them.
It's their word against ours.
They found us humping in the lunch room.
I was about to stick
my tongue up your ass.
Oh, Jesus.
I guess we have to do the right thing.
Okay, what will it take for you
to keep your mouth shut?
A thousand dollars?
- We want A's, bitches.
- We want A's.
- That's it? In what?
- In everything.
So we give you the A's and we forget
that this whole thing ever happened.
Finger in the ass, the neglect,
the eating of a
Congrats. You're both
on the honor rolls.
- Woo-hoo!
- Yeah!
- Honor roll, dude!
Woo-hoo!
We've been bad.
Man, gathering up
the ashes of my victims
and reconstituting them into babies is
way more work than I thought it would be.
But, hey, they get a second chance
at life, so that's cool.
What's up with you dorks?
We caught the teachers
eating each other's asses,
so they gave us A's in all our classes.
And we're best friends again.
And we're out of Frosted Flakes.
I'll pick some up tomorrow.
Hey, uh, don't open the bathroom door
because I locked Korvo in there
until he gets smart again.
Let me out of here!
There's an alien in here!
Oh, wait, that's
it's just me in the mirror.
Wow, he sounds really stupid.
Yeah, I shot him with the dumb gun
like 10 times.
Oh geez, that will take forever
to wear off.
Feel better, Korvo.
Don't sleep face down
or you might suffocate.
Let me out. Gal Gadot is a witch
that was put into American society
to make us all forget
about the 2008 recession.
Okay, buddy, very cool.
Let me out right now!
I-I-I've got a hostage in here.
Help me, let me out.
Don't worry, it's a joke.
I'm doing both voices. Play along.
'Ello, what are you two doing in here?
Shh, hey, be quiet.
It's empty. No, this is all wrong.
Come on, we have to get out of here.
You stupid fucks.
What are you gonna do, Duke,
take us all on? You're outnumbered.
You see, Tim, my boy,
this was the trap.
Enrique and I set up the whole thing.
The map, the Peep, everything.
- Enrique, why?
- You killed my son.
The Duke might have pulled the trigger,
but you dragged him into this whole thing.
See, I'm a man of rules.
It's rules that keep everyone alive
in the wall.
But when someone breaks said rules,
you need a punishment.
I found the perfect form of punishment.
The Boo Hoo Hole.
Tim, you ever heard
of the Boo Hoo Hole.
Noooo!
I have different plans for you, Tim.
These genius aliens are a billion times
smarter than any man.
They are truly worthy adversaries.
Thank you for letting me out.
I'm feeling much smarter.
I'm smart now. Thank you.
Okay, we're all trusting you
to be smart.
And we all learned a lesson today,
so let's all buckle down
and be smart together
and help repair the ship.
What've you got there?
Are those hyperdrive plans?
Oh, Jesse, nice try.
We don't even have a hyperdrive.
No, no, no, this is
my 700-page screenplay for "Ted 3."
- You all have to give me notes.
- Oh, fuck, he's still dumb.
It's called "T3D."
It's not in 3D though.
Ted and Wahlberg go on a treasure hunt
and meet a witch.
I copyrighted this with WGA-North.
It takes place in the Harry Potter world
in the future,
where every city is Boston.
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are president.
Papa John's has cool pizza.
I'm gonna be a professional poker player.
Let me out of the ropy bag.
Free me from the ropy bag.
It's nice to do stuff as a family.
Pew-pew, pew-pew-pew!