Son of a Critch (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[VEHICLES RUMBLE LOUDLY, HORNS BLARE]
Hmph! Royal visit's going ahead.
"Prince Charles and Lady Diana
will visit city hall
at 2 P.M., on Friday."
Really? Oh, oh, Mom, can we go?
I won't be going to see
that elephant-eared
prick, let me tell ya.
POP: I hope the inbred arseholes
drown on the way over.
- Well, our family's Irish.
- The Critch's were English.
Well, my mother was Irish!
Being Irish is like being Jewish.
It's passed down through
the maternal line.
MARK: I think they're a lovely couple.
Perfect marriage.
- A true fairy tale.
- As in, it's not real.
No such thing as a perfect marriage.
Oh, really?
Well, I for one
sympathize with her.
I know what it's like to spend your life
waitin' for your in-laws to die.
Oh, sweet Jesus, take me now.
Hey, quiet, quiet! What's that sound?
- [KNOCKING]
- Is someone knocking at the door?
No, can't be! Nobody ever comes here.
- I'll get it.
- And that's what you won't.
God only knows who that is now.
Mary, you answer it.
Oh! My brave protector.
[PAPER RUSTLES SHARPLY,
KNOCKING CONTINUES]
[FOOTSTEPS THUD]
Be quiet. She's opening.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
- Well, how do you do?
- Hey, there, Mary.
How's the rose of VOCM valley?
ADULT MARK: Dick Dunphy!
Top DJ at the station next door
and my dad's arch-Nemesis.
I'm good, Dick. Looking for Mike?
No. I see enough of him.
[GIGGLES]
- Oh! These are for you.
- [GASPS]
Oh my! What for?
I did a parking lot
promotion for a florist
and he let me take the week-olds.
They're beautiful!
Not as pretty as you.
Tsk! Oh, go 'way with ya, Dick!
- You're the devil, you are.
- [SMARMY CHUCKLE]
ADULT MARK: Gross. Was Mom flirting?
I never see you down
to the strand lounge.
Mike needs to take you out more.
You're like my Chevy Blazer, Mary.
She can't be parked too
long or she'll seize up.
Oh, Dick, you are shockin'!
I don't go out at night so I
don't show up for work drunk!
He's still loaded!
- [CATLIKE] Rrrrr!
- [BREATHY LAUGH]
Oh! Got a coupon for ten percent off
red sticker ladieswear at Ayre's.
Limit one per customer.
Tax on full price.
Get yourself a pair of
dancing shoes on Uncle Dick.
Well, now you are just spoilin' me.
- Thank you, Dick.
- My pleasure!
Everybody needs a bit
of Dick in their life.
[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN]
- Hmm.
- [DOOR CLICKS SHUT]
MIKE SR.: Good God!
I can't believe you're throwing
yourself at Dick Dunphy.
I bet that coupon isn't even valid.
Don't you worry. Dick is the last thing
I'm interested in this
morning, Dunphy or otherwise!
- Good God!
- [SHUDDERS]
ADULT MARK: I longed for my
parents to have a marriage
like Charles and Diana.
Little did I know, they already did.
[BELL RINGS IN THE DISTANCE]
I want you to know something.
I've been thinking about it
and you're officially my best friend.
Wow, that was fast.
I'm sorry. I've never
had a best friend before.
I haven't had one either.
It's official then.
Best friends?
[HANDS CLAP LIGHTLY, KIDS
SHOUT IN THE DISTANCE]
I have a secret I need to share.
Do tell. It'll go no further.
If we are best friends,
then I, I think you should know
my parents might be getting a divorce.
The social implications
on a Catholic schoolyard
might make me a pariah, so
I mean, they do fight a lot.
They do?
I-I I thought of it
more as playful repartee.
She said he was "thick as poo
and half as handy" the other day,
except she didn't say "poo," she said
Okay, okay. Yes, I see your point.
Tsk. Oh dear. Uh
I gotta go do something,
- but it's a secret.
- Great. I like our secrets!
No. I mean, we are best friends,
but this, this one has
to stay private, okay?
Look, it's complicated. I'm sorry.
ADULT MARK: I'd only had
a best friend for a minute
and I'd already upset him.
But there were some things
that you couldn't even
tell your best friend.
Like the fact that I
was the only male member
of the local monarchist league.
I was also the youngest
one by about sixty years.
WOMAN: Mark!
There's Mark now.
Patricia! Saw your new granddaughter
at the mall the other
day. Cute as a button.
- [PATRICIA CHUCKLES]
- [WOMEN CHATTER]
Joan! Wanna hear about your hip surgery.
Let's have a chin wag after.
- [WOMEN CHATTER]
- How nice.
[SPOON CLINKS AGAINST CUP]
I now call this meeting
of the Newfoundland
Monarchist League to order.
- We have a lot to discuss.
- [CLEARS HIS THROAT]
Before we start,
I have an awkward
order of business: dues.
[CHAIR SCRAPES BACK]
Some of our members are in arrears.
WOMAN: [GASPS] What?!
I apologize.
I've been finding it hard
to, uh, get by since
[EMOTIONAL] Since Eugene passed.
- Eugene was a hell of a man.
- Mm.
- Allow me.
- [VELCRO RIPS]
But this is the last time, Helen.
The shortbread doesn't pay for itself.
WOMAN: What a sweet young man.
As I was saying,
I've received a letter from
the Lieutenant Governor.
The league has been invited
to the royals' arrival ceremony,
- and it's going to be televised!
- [WOMEN CLAP]
ADULT MARK: I was playing with fire.
If my family found
out, they'd disown me.
And if Fox did, she would disembowel me.
[CHAIR SCRAPES BACK]
I suggest we proceed
with caution, ladies.
WOMAN: Yes, yes.
High fashion and
trendy haircuts are fun,
but we must ask ourselves,
"when it comes to modernizing,
is the monarchy moving too fast?"
WOMAN: Hmm. Yeah.
[CHAIR SCRAPES FORWARD]
[SLURPS]
[SLURPING]
[ROTARY DIAL WHISKS SHARPLY]
Who you calling Dick Dunphy?
Hello, Ayre's? Can I have
the shoe department, please.
Look at you calling Ayre's.
You think you're the Queen of England.
Oh, hi there.
I have this red tag coupon
that was given to me by
a very good friend of mine
and I'm wondering if it's valid.
A Mister Richard Dunphy.
Oh, that's great. It's perfectly valid.
Wonderful news.
And can it be used to buy shoes?
It can. Lovely.
Oh, well, what kind would I want?
Oh, well, definitely want
them to be high heels.
Cherry red,
patent leather,
and good for dancing.
Well, thank you so much.
I will be in with my valid coupon
later on today to pick them up.
[RECEIVER CLUNKS LOUDLY]
- But I don't dance.
- [FOOTSTEPS RECEDE]
[BIRDS CHIRP OUTSIDE]
[LOW HUM OF CHATTER, BIRDS CHIRP]
Are you still mad at me?
SISTER MARGARET: Now,
can anyone tell me
what the royal family actually does?
Members of the royal
family support the Queen
in her many state and national duties.
Every year they carry out
over 2,000 royal engagements.
Now, even the Queen can't
be everywhere at once,
so the royals represent her at events.
Sort of like Santa's helpers.
[KIDS CHUCKLE]
Or not. Whatever.
I'm I'm not actually sure.
I can't decide what's dumber;
that you know all about the Queen
or that you still think
Santa Claus is real.
[KIDS TITTER]
SISTER MARGARET: As Catholics,
the only crown we bow to, children,
is the crown of thorns our Lord wore.
Did you know that the royals
were once Catholics? Ha!
But they left the church
because the Queen's great,
great, great, great grandfather
wanted to bed a whore.
The Pope said no because
he was already married.
So, they formed their
own satanic religion
called the Church of England.
ADULT MARK: While I disagreed
with many of the aspects,
I couldn't actually say
that she was wrong per se.
The royals made up a whole religion
just so they could
get divorced. Imagine!
Prince Charles and Lady
Diana won't divorce, Sister.
They have effortless romance.
Hmph! Give it time.
Princess Margaret was
divorced more times
than she was married. That's a fact!
This false idolatry
of the "royal family"
is a direct sin against God.
MIKE SR.: Mary?
Mary?!
Where's supper?
I was at Ayre's. Do
you like my new shoes?
Oh, I can't wait to hit
the dance floor in 'em.
Oh, I got them with the
coupon that Dick gave me.
Turns out it was valid after all.
Bring those back.
Don't be so foolish. I can't.
You can't or you won't?
Won't, because you're telling me to
and can't, because there's no returns
when you use a coupon.
You really think Dick
Dunphy fancies you?
He talks to all the women like that.
I mean, why would Dick
Dunphy be interested in you?
Oh. I see.
So, I'm not good enough
for Dick Dunphy, is that it?
Or maybe I'm not good enough for you?!
You're good enough for me.
You're fine.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with you.
[HUFFS]
[HEELS CLACK SHARPLY]
- Is the fight over now?
- [BEDROOM DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
- It's suppertime!
- [BEDROOM DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
[METALLIC CLINK, CHAIR THUNKS LOUDLY]
[FLASHLIGHT THUMPS, MAGAZINE RUSTLES]
- What're you reading?
- Nothing.
[BLANKETS RUSTLE]
Pop?
Hmm?
Do you think Mom and
Dad'll get a divorce?
[CHUCKLES] What?
No. Good God, no.
Uh, no, it'll never happen.
For one thing, they
can't afford the lawyers.
No. I mean, they may
want to divorce, but
They never will.
That's the Catholic way. You
know, misery loves company.
And that's why there's
two in a marriage.
Ah, don't worry.
Your father will never
leave your mother.
She'd murder him.
And she loves him too much to kill him.
Hmm. [NEWSPAPER RUSTLES]
Hmm.
What did you and Nanny fight about?
The Queen mostly.
She loved the old bitch.
Uh
Feeling better?
No, worse,
but I appreciate the effort.
Anytime.
[SPOON CLINKING]
HELEN: I have wonderful news.
We have been invited
to select one of our members
to present Lady Diana with flowers.
ADULT MARK: I knew the drill.
Helen would start whining about
her dead husband and then
I nominate Mark.
[CHAIR SCRAPES BACK]
Helen, I insist that you go.
- A after losing your husband
- Oh, nonsense.
We want to show the world
that the monarchy is cool,
and there's nobody cooler than our Mark!
And the whole province will
see just how cool he is.
ADULT MARK: Maybe the kids
at school wouldn't notice me.
I made you this.
Pink: for the rose of England.
- Yes! The rose of England!
- WOMEN: [CHUCKLE AND APPLAUD]
- ADULT MARK: Oh no, they will!
- [WOMEN APPLAUD]
♪
MARK: [PANICKED]
Ritchie! You followed me!
I was just checking
to see when mass was.
W-wait! Is this an Anglican church?
Wow! Where is my head?
Oh, look! You have a
new friend your own age.
You should be proud of Mark.
It's not every day
you get to present
Lady Diana with flowers.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDE]
I hope you're better at
keeping secrets than Helen is.
That's your big secret,
your real best friend is an old lady?
Look, I think the royals are cool!
King Lear, Richard the
Third, Henry the 5th.
I collect stamps, too.
So, shoot me!
Why not just tell me?
No one's ever asked me to
be their best friend before.
I was worried you'd change your mind.
When this gets out,
I might need to keep my
distance for a few days.
I can't afford any more ridicule
- than I'm already getting.
- That's fair.
So, still best friends?
[HANDS CLAP LIGHTLY]
So, um, is that short bread?
[LID POPS OFF, METAL LID SCRAPES]
[CHUCKLES]
ADULT MARK: Finally,
the big day had come!
My proudest moment and
my biggest embarrassment.
SISTER MARGARET: Settle down.
Yes, there will be television today.
KIDS: [QUIETLY] Yes!
The school board says we
have to watch the royal visit.
[KIDS MOAN, TV CLICKS ON]
[A ROYAL FANFARE PLAYS]
REPORTER: Hundreds have
gathered at city hall,
hoping to catch a glimpse
of the royal couple.
- Lots of eager faces
- FOX: Hey, dick!
- Where's the other Dick?
- Quiet!
REPORTER: The red carpet
has been rolled out
to greet their highnesses.
Mayor Murphy will greet
the royals on the steps
- and one lucky youth from
- Turn it off!
I mean, as a Catholic,
I am really upset that
we are even seeing this.
I must say, I agree, Ritchie,
but the school board says we
have to for historical reasons.
So, you'll get to witness
a low point in our history.
- Suck hole!
- Beautiful day we got for it.
[A ROYAL FANFARE PLAYS]
♪♪♪
[LOW HUM OF CHATTER]
Ugh! God. Where the hell is Mark at?
Whining to come down here
and then he just takes off.
Sure you don't wanna sit down?
Oh, I could walk all day
and dance all night in these, my dear.
- MEN: Frig off! Frig off!
- [RADIO FEEDBACK BUZZES]
DICK: People have lined the street
for Diana-mania today in St. John's.
This is Dick Dunphy
and I'm your VOCM "Eye on Di!"
- MEN: Frig off!
- When do we want him to do it?
ADULT MARK: Pop had decided
to become a bit of a nuisance,
and to my dad, that was headline news.
- When do we want him to do it?
- MEN: Now!
Here's Paul Anka with "Diana."
- Comin' at ya!
- [PAUL ANKA: "DIANA" PLAYS]
Let me have the mic.
There's a riot breaking
out; There's protestors!
This whole place is a powder keg.
- POP: Frig!
- MEN: Off!
[CHANTING] Frig! Off! Frig! Off!
- POP: Frig!
- Are you nuts?
I timed this song for
when Lady Di passes me.
I'm gonna say "and that
was 'Diana' by Paul Anka,
and there is Diana,
right by me, Dick Dunphy."
That's top shelf banter, Mike!
Nobody can see her on the radio, Dick!
- Now, give it!
- Don't! You can't!
REPORTER: And here is the motorcade now.
And there she is!
Oh, I like her outfit. She looks pretty.
[CROWD CHEERS ON TV]
For a terrible woman.
POP AND MEN: Frig! Off!
Frig! Off! Frig! Off!
- POP: Frig
- MEN: [SILENCE]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK,
CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]
REPORTER: The crowd is euphoric now
as their long wait is over.
[CROWD CHEERS ON TV]
I really need to go to the bathroom.
It can wait. They're
about to give her flowers.
Not that I care.
- It's a poop.
- [CLASS LAUGHS]
Fine.
- [CHAIR SCRAPES BACK]
[CORD RIPS, POWER CUTS, RITCHIE THUMPS]
[CLASS LAUGHS]
What a loser!
Plug that back in!
[SIGHS WITH RELIEF]
Mark! What the frig?!
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, I do know ♪
I love you, love you so ♪
Only you can take my heart ♪
Only you can tear it apart ♪
When you hold me in your loving arms ♪
I can feel you
giving all your charms ♪
Hold me, darling, hold me tight ♪
Squeeze me, baby,
with all your might ♪
- [RADIO FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
- CROWD: Oh!
- DICK: [ON RADIO] It's my show!
- MIKE SR.: Why not?
- You're gonna take my Mary!
- DICK: Mary?!
What're you gettin' on with?
You're trying to
Seduce her, you arsehole!
Come on, Mike, it was
just a few coupons.
Trust me, I don't want your wife.
I was just havin' fun, baby!
This is your idea of fun, is it?
That's my wife.
You ever knock on my door again,
and I'll I'll
Knock you on your arse, you dick!
[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN]
- Wait!
- [DOOR BANGS SHUT]
Did you just call me by my
name or was that an insult?
Mike! By the sweet
Oh crap! That was "Diana" by Lady Diana.
I mean, uh, Diana Anka.
I mean, uh Jesus Murphy!
MARY: Jeez [MUMBLING]
- Friggin' cheap bastards!
- [SHOES CLUNK LOUDLY]
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
[PEOPLE CHATTER, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
ADULT MIKE: I'd saved a flower
from Lady Diana's bouquet as a keepsake,
but I figured Dad could
use it more than I could.
I thought you loved those shoes.
I likes me shoes the way I likes me men:
sensible.
Uh, this is for you.
[PEOPLE CHATTER]
Well, don't I feel like a princess.
[PEOPLE CHATTER AND LAUGH]
- Oh
- [PEOPLE CHATTER EXCITEDLY]
Oh Mike
ADULT MARK: I'd never seen
my parents hug before.
I was worried they might
divorce because they fought
Now, can we please get
the hell outta here?
Guess I'll find us a ride.
ADULT MARK: In that moment,
I knew they'd stay together
- because they could forgive.
- Mmm
[CAR RUMBLES]
Thanks for the ride, Dick.
Don't mention it.
[BLAZER RUMBLES LOUDLY]
ADULT MARK: Now, everyone
knew I loved the royals
[GASPS] There he is!
ADULT MARK: But at least
everyone else did now, too.
POP: You know, she looked right at me.
I swear to God, she
gave me the once over.
I thought you hated the royals.
Who me? I never said that!
My father was English! From Liverpool.
And besides, these two are different.
Aww yes, sir.
They're gonna have a
wonderful life together.
[CROWD CHEERS ON TV,
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK]
ADULT MARK: Every picture tells a story,
but appearances can be deceiving.
Some people may seem
like the perfect couple,
but you wouldn't wanna
walk a mile in their shoes.
[CROWDS CHEER ON TV, CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS]
After all, there's no point
in wearing glass slippers
if, at the end of the day,
there's no one there to rub your feet.
God save our Queen! ♪
Bam, bam, bam, bam ♪
BOTH: Send her victorious ♪
Happy and glorious ♪
ALL: Long to reign over us ♪
God save our Queen ♪
POP: Yeah!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪