Spin City s01e05 Episode Script
The Rivals
WHOA.
WRONG APARTMENT.
NO.
I LIVE HERE.
WE'RE YOUR NEIGHBORS.
I'M MARIA.
I'M YALE.
APARTMENT 2B.
OR NOT 2B.
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
YEAH, I GET IT.
THAT'S-- THAT'S FUNNY.
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE-- ASHLEY.
HEY, HONEY.
SO YOU--YOU MET.
Mike: WE MET, YEAH.
YEAH, THEY LIVE UPSTAIRS.
THEY'RE IN 2B.
YEAH, I KNOW.
OR NOT 2B.
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
I'LL TELL HER LATER.
SHE'LL LAUGH.
YEAH, SO ANYWAY, YALE AND MARIA, THEY JUST STOPPED BY BECAUSE THEY HAVE THESE COUPLE EXTRA TICKETS TO THIS DOCUMENTARY.
IT'S ON THE COLLAPSE OF THE ECOSYSTEM IN BRAZIL.
AND I TOLD THEM WE PROBABLY COULDN'T MAKE IT.
BUT THEY PERSISTED AND PERSISTED AND PERSISTED UNTIL I FINALLY AGREED THAT IT WOULD BE REALLY FUN FOR THE BOTH OF US, SO WE'RE GOING.
(WHISPERING) I'm sorry.
I SPEAK FLUENT PORTUGUESE, SO IT WILL BE LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN PERSONAL TOUR GUIDE RIGHT THERE ALONG NEXT TO YOU.
OH, YALE, BUDDY, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SUGARCOAT IT, BECAUSE THE ECOSYSTEM IS, LIKE, RIGHT UP THERE FOR ME.
BUT I WORK FOR THE MAYOR'S OFFICE, AND WE ARE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRISIS.
WHAT KIND OF CRISIS? CRISIS.
CRISIS.
WHERE'D I PUT THAT CRISIS? (ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) Stuart on machine: MIKE, GARFIELD IS KICKING OUR BUTT ALL OVER TV AGAIN.
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED.
SEE YA.
WELL, ALAS, MY HANDS ARE TIED.
I MUST GO, SO, UH, I'LL JUST TAKE A RAIN CHECK.
A RAIN CHECK ON THE RAIN FOREST.
I MADE A FUNNY.
WELCOME.
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
IT'S MY FIRST SUNDAY EMERGENCY.
SEE YOU'VE PAID YOUR FINAL DUES ON YOUR GEEK MEMBERSHIP.
EVERYBODY HERE YET? NOT YET.
WELL, THAT'S COOL.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON? I HAVE ONE DAY OFF.
I'D PREFER NOT TO SPEND IT AT WORK.
WHOA.
HEADS UP.
NIKKI, IS THERE SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? HE'S MY SISTER'S.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A LIFE OF MY OWN, SO I BORROW ONE ON SUNDAYS.
YOU WERE PLAYING BASKETBALL? NO.
I WAS BOWLING.
I LOOKED LIKE AN IDIOT.
WHAT I MEANT WAS-- WHAT YOU MEANT WAS YOU'RE SURPRISED I PLAY BASKETBALL BECAUSE I'M A GAY MAN, BUT, YOU SEE, STUART, I'M ALSO A BLACK MAN, SO IT'S REALLY JUST A BATTLE BETWEEN YOUR ARCHAIC STEREOTYPES.
WHICH ONE'S WINNING? WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYBODY'S HERE EXCEPT PAULY, SO NO REASON WE SHOULDN'T START.
I AM NOT JUST THE EX-MAYOR.
I AM A NEW YORKER, AND I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT THIS CITY.
I WISH I WAS CONFIDENT THAT THE CURRENT MAYOR FELT THE SAME WAY.
HE'S BEEN GOING ON LIKE THAT FOR OVER AN HOUR.
(BABY-TALKING) THAT'S BAD.
VERY BAD.
VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY BAD.
WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO QUIET GARFIELD DOWN.
ANYBODY GOT ANY IDEAS? EVERYONE HAS SKELETONS, MIKE.
I COULD WHIP YOU UP A SMEAR CAMPAIGN.
MMM-WAAA.
I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU, STUART.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD ON THIS ONE.
OH, DON'T POUT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, NIKKI? WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY? HUGE EGO.
TOTALLY SELF-INVOLVED.
LIKES TO SEE HIS NAME ON THINGS.
OK.
WE'LL JUST GIVE HIM SOMETHING.
SO THAT'S YOUR BRAND OF POLITICS? YOU'RE GOING TO BUY HIS SUPPORT? CARTER, IN ANCIENT ROME, THEY WOULD CALL IT AN HOMAGE.
WE'D GIVE GARFIELD A JUG OF WINE, A HORSE, A VIRGIN.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
I CAN FIND HIM 2 OUT OF 3 RIGHT HERE IN THIS OFFICE.
JUST GOT TO SLAP HIS NAME ON SOMETHING.
NIKKI, THAT BABY GOT A NAME YET? HOW ABOUT A GARFIELD STREET? NAH.
TOO EXPENSIVE.
HOW ABOUT A LOVABLE ORANGE CARTOON CAT? Mike: YOU'RE NOT HELPING.
WHAT ABOUT A FOUNTAIN? JAMES, THAT'S BRILLIANT.
A FOUNTAIN? YOU SURE? 'CAUSE I CAN HAVE PICTURES OF HIM WITH A HOOKER BY 7:15.
A FOUNTAIN IT IS.
MEETING ADJOURNED.
LET'S GET A BEER.
AH, GET A BEER.
Pauly: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHERE'S EVERYBODY GOING? MEETING'S OVER, PAULY.
YOU MISSED IT.
NO.
I WAS ON THE THROGS NECK BRIDGE WHEN I GOT YOUR BEEP.
OVER 20 MILES.
I CAN'T FEEL MY THIGHS.
ANYONE WANT TO HOLD LITTLE BUCKEY? (ALL SAY NO) I'M AFRAID I MIGHT DROP HIM.
WHAT'LL HAPPEN WITH YOU GUYS WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR OWN KIDS? I'M GOING TO PUT A HANDLE ON MINE.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING A FATHER.
REALLY? SURE.
FIND THE RIGHT GUY, BUY A HOUSE, SETTLE DOWN.
AH, THAT'D BE NICE.
WE'RE LOOKING AT 5 FUTURE FATHERS OF THE YEAR HERE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
YOU GUYS COULDN'T TAKE CARE OF A NAPKIN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? LET'S TRY AN EXPERIMENT.
I GOT 50 BUCKS AGAINST 10 FROM EACH OF YOU THAT YOU EACH CAN'T TAKE ONE COCKTAIL NAPKIN, BRING IT BACK TO ME IN 48 HOURS, WELL-CARED FOR, NICE AND CLEAN.
GIVE ME THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT TO NAME THEM, SO WE KNOW WHOSE IS WHOSE.
I'M CALLING MINE SHELDON.
APPARENTLY PAUL WANTS HIS NAPKIN TO GET BEAT UP A LOT.
I'M NAMING MINE STUART.
WHAT IF IT'S A GIRL? IT'S A NAPKIN, AND ITS NAME IS STUART.
AND LAST NIGHT, IT KICKED SHELDON'S ASS.
OK.
ME AND TUCKER HAVE THE NEXT ROUND.
WOW.
THOUGHT I'D FIND YOU HERE.
HEY, ASHLEY.
HOW WAS THE DOCUMENTARY? I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU BAILED ON ME LIKE THAT.
I GOT TO TELL YOU, IT WAS AN INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT DECISION, HONEY, BUT THE SHIP WAS GOING DOWN, AND I COULD ONLY SAVE ONE OF US.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST? WELL, THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY MAN'S LIFE WHEN HE'S GOT TO SLAP ON A DRESS AND JUMP IN THE LIFEBOAT.
I JUST SAT THROUGH 3 HOURS OF BLACK-AND-WHITE FOOTAGE OF THE RAIN FOREST DISAPPEARING.
BY THE END, I WAS ACTUALLY ROOTING FOR THE RAIN FOREST TO BE GONE FASTER.
THEY'RE NOT HERE NOW, SO THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER.
UH, NO, IT'S NOT.
SEE, THEY INVITED THEMSELVES OVER FOR DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS.
IT'S JUST ONE NIGHT-- IN, THEN WE'RE OUT, NOBODY GETS HURT.
OK.
PICK UP.
HEY.
NO! STUART! YOU'RE OUT! HE WAS SO YOUNG.
I WONDER WHY WE'RE DOING THIS FOR HIM, MICHAEL.
GARFIELD'S BEEN SLAMMING US PRETTY HARD LATELY.
I KNOW.
WE'RE JUST GIVING HIM A FOUNTAIN, SIR.
I HAVE SUCH MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT GARFIELD.
HE'S SUCH A MAN OF THE PEOPLE, LARGER THAN LIFE.
IT'S NOT JEALOUSY.
I JUST WISH I HAD WHAT HE HAD.
YOU'RE THE MAYOR NOW, SIR, AND DON'T FORGET THAT.
YEAH.
I KNOW THAT.
BUT STILL, WHEN HE'S AROUND, I CAN'T HELP FEELING LIKE I JUST DISAPPEAR.
GOOD MORNING, FLAHERTY.
WHERE'S THAT BOSS OF YOURS? ABE.
RANDALL.
YOU BETTER FIRM THAT BABY UP A BIT.
LOOK, THE REASON THAT WE INVITED YOU DOWN HERE-- RANDALL, OPEN.
YOU KEEP THAT.
WHEN YOU'RE OUT WITH THE PEOPLE, YOU NEED THAT MINTY BREATH.
YEAH, ANYWAY, WE'RE AWARE THAT YOU'VE BEEN VOICING SOME CONCERNS LATELY, AND, WELL, WE THOUGHT THAT WE MIGHT GIVE ME A FOUNTAIN? I KNOW.
I LOVE IT.
IT'S A GOOD START.
MR.
MAYOR.
FONG.
(SPEAKS FONG'S NATIVE LANGUAGE) GOOD TO SEE YOU, MR.
MAYOR.
IT'S JUST ABE NOW.
YOU KNOW THAT.
NOT TO ME.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MAYOR TO ME.
THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
HE'S GOOD.
YOU'RE BETTER, SIR.
AMIGO, ¿QUE PASA? ¿COMO ESTA SU NOVIA CARMELA? OH, BIEN.
GRACIAS.
GRACIAS.
DE NADA.
DE NADA.
HAVE A GOOD ONE, JESUS.
PRONUNCIATION OF NAME) (SPANISH PRONUNCIATION) IT'S JESUS.
JESUS, SIR.
HE COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING.
AND SO IT ENDS AS IT BEGAN, WITH US CLEANING OIL-SOAKED LOONS, THE LITTLEST VICTIMS OF THE EXXON VALDEZ.
FASCINATING.
FASCINATING STUFF.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THE TIME? IT'S ALREADY 9:15.
TALK ABOUT BURNING THE CANDLE, HUH? YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A WHOLE BAG OF TAPES.
I'M JUST GOING TO RUN TO THE BATHROOM, JUST SPLASH SOME WATER ON MY FACE.
SO WE'LL JUST POP ONE IN, THEN, HUH? OH, YEAH.
YOU GO AHEAD, YALE.
LET'S, UH LET'S SEE IF WE CAN ACTUALLY MAKE TIME STOP.
SHOULD WE SHOW THE ONE OF OUR HUNGER STRIKE OR THE ONE WHERE WE CHAINED OURSELVES TO THE REDWOOD TREES? OOH, I DON'T KNOW.
MIKE? YOU KNOW, I'M NOT EVEN COMFORTABLE MAKING THAT DECISION.
WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD? YOU JUST PICK WHICHEVER ONE IS, UH, SHORTER.
HONEY, WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THEM, OK? YOU GO OUT THERE.
YOU TELL THEM I'M SICK.
I'LL STAY IN HERE, AND I'LL MAKE VOMITING NOISES.
I DON'T THINK IT'LL WORK.
THEY PROBABLY HAVE HERBAL REMEDIES WITH THEM.
I WAS ACTUALLY WITH THEM FOR THE FIRST COUPLE OF LOONS.
AFTER THAT, I GOT IT, YOU KNOW.
THEY'RE OILY, THEY'RE CLEAN.
HAVE WE NOT MADE IT CLEAR TO THEM THAT WE WANT THEM TO LEAVE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING BUT RIFLE THROUGH THEIR POCKETS LOOKING FOR THE 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE THEY STOLE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE JUST GOT TO RIDE THIS THING OUT.
ASHLEY, I-I-I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU SO I'M NOT GOING TO OVERSTATE THIS.
THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT TO DESTROY US.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THEM.
LOOK AT THEM WATCHING OUR TV, EATING OUR FOOD, DRINKING OUR WATER.
IF WE DON'T SNUFF THIS OUT, WE MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THEM THE KEYS BECAUSE IT'S NOT OUR PLACE, IT'S THEIRS.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) Yale: I GOT IT.
OH, MY GOD.
WE'RE TOO LATE.
NO, NO, NO.
WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER.
I LOVE YOU, ASHLEY.
I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
Yale: THAT WAS YOUR EDITOR.
HE SAID IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.
CALL BACK WHENEVER YOU WANT.
OH, IT SOUNDS BAD.
GOT TO GO.
OH, NO.
SO THE ACTUAL FOUNTAIN WILL LOOK JUST LIKE THIS ONLY MUCH, MUCH BIGGER.
WELL, ON THE PLUS SIDE, WHEN THE DEDICATION'S OVER, HE CAN JUST TAKE IT HOME WITH HIM.
Paul: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
IT IS MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK, THE HONORABLE RANDALL WINSTON, AND THE FORMERLY HONORABLE ABE GARFIELD WHO WAS-- WHO WAS THE MAYOR.
AS MAYOR OF THIS CITY, IT'S MY DISTINCT PLEASURE TO OFFICIALLY PRONOUNCE THIS THE ABE GARFIELD FOUNTAIN.
MAYOR WINSTON, WHAT DID YOU WISH? UH, TO BE REELECTED.
WHAT ELSE? UH, MAYOR GARFIELD, WHAT WAS YOUR WISH? THAT NEW YORK REMAIN THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD, THAT WE SET THE STANDARD FOR CULTURE AND COMPASSION, FOR LIFE AND LIBERTY, NOT TO MENTION THE BEST PASTRAMI KNOWN TO MAN.
MIKE, CAN I HAVE ANOTHER PENNY? Paul: THANK YOU ALL.
WELL, GENTLEMEN, THAT WAS QUITE A MOVING CEREMONY, TO SEE 2 GREAT LEADERS OF THIS CITY COME TOGETHER-- DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD BUY ME OFF WITH THISBIRDBATH? THAT WAS THE PLAN.
YEAH.
I'VE HAD MARTINIS BIGGER THAN THIS.
THIS IS AN INSULT.
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THIS JOB IS.
BUT NO, NO, NO.
YOU PLAY THE CRITIC.
YOU DO THE TALK-SHOW CIRCUIT.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT IT DOES? IT JUST PROVES TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A VAIN, PETTY, SELF-CENTERED, EGOMANIACAL WHY ARE YOU LYING DOWN? Mike: SOMEBODY GET AN AMBULANCE! IT'S SO WEIRD TO SEE THE FLAG AT HALF-MAST.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE.
SIR, WE SHOULD PROBABLY WORK UP SOME SORT OF STATEMENT.
I KILLED HIM, MIKE.
I KILLED HIM DEAD.
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD STARTING POINT.
I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY SOFTEN IT A LITTLE.
THE OTHER DAY, I WATCHED ABE WALK THESE HALLWAYS, PATTING STRANGERS ON THE BACK, SPEAKING FLAWLESS CANTONESE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT I WISHED? I WISHED THAT HE WERE GONE, I WISHED THAT HE WEREN'T HERE.
IT'S NOT QUITE THE SAME AS WISHING HE WERE DEAD.
I WISHED THAT, TOO.
OH, BOY.
YOU KNOW, HE GAVE ME THIS AND A LITTLE SAGE ADVICE.
GARFIELD WAS AN OLDER MAN.
HE HAD A HISTORY OF HEART PROBLEMS.
NO, NO, MIKE.
MY WORDS CUT HIM DOWN, AND THE GUILT IS SO HEAVY.
I NEED TO ATONE.
I JUST NEED TO TELL THE WORLD.
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW YOU'RE HURTING, SIR.
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS YOU WANT TO TAKE ALL THAT HURT AND ALL THAT PAIN AND ALL THAT CONFUSION AND OVERWHELMING FEELINGS AND YOU WANT TO JUST BOTTLE THEM RIGHT UP.
MORNING, SIR.
YES, I AM, SON.
THE WHOLE CITY IS.
I'M SORRY.
OK.
HOW'S HE DOING, MIKE? HE BLAMES HIMSELF.
WHY, JUST BECAUSE HE YELLED AT THE OLD GUY TILL HE DROPPED DEAD? LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR FOR EVERYBODY.
WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THE MAYOR AND GARFIELD WAS NOT AN ARGUMENT.
IT WAS MERELY AN ANIMATED DISCUSSION THAT QUITE SUDDENLY BECAME UNANIMATED.
THEY HAD A VIGIL AT THE FOUNTAIN LAST NIGHT.
HUNDREDS SHOWED UP.
OF COURSE, ONLY 5 PEOPLE COULD FIT AROUND IT AT ONE TIME.
THEY HAD THE VIGIL IN SHIFTS.
I THINK THEY'RE STILL GOING.
THIS IS A TOUGH TIME.
A BELOVED MAN HAS PASSED ON TO HIS GREAT REWARD, AND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE A LITTLE UPSET.
GARFIELD ESTA MUERTO! ¿POR QUE? ¿POR QUE? SHEESH! LET ME JUST SAY THAT ABE GARFIELD WAS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD MAYOR, AND FOR THIS, HE WILL BE MISSED.
HE WAS A GOOD FRIEND.
WE KNEW HIM WELL.
SO TODAY, OUR LOVE GOES OUT TO HIS WIFE, OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, TO HIS CHILDREN.
GARFIELD DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN.
THEN THE THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS GO TO THE WIFE, TOO.
WILL THERE BE SOME KIND OF MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR GARFIELD? Paul: YES, YES.
THE EX-MAYOR WILL BE HONORED AND REMEMBERED FOR HIS YEARS OF PUBLIC SERVICE.
WILL MAYOR WINSTON DELIVER A EULOGY AT THE MEMORIAL? YES AND NO.
LET ME JUST CLARIFY THAT.
YES, THE MAYOR WILL BE SPEAKING, BUT THEN AGAIN, MAYBE HE WON'T.
WHO KNOWS? RIGHT NOW, THE ONLY THING THAT WE CAN SAY IS THAT EX-MAYOR GARFIELD IS IN FACT STILL DEAD.
Mike, whispering: THINK THEY HEARD US? Ashley, whispering: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES.
YEAH.
GOOD IDEA.
OH, AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES? WHAT? I'D TAKE OFF MINE EXCEPT THAT WE'RE PRISONERS IN OUR OWN HOME.
CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO FOCUS ON THE ISSUE AT HAND HERE? HEY, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO INVITED THESE 2 CIRCUS FREAKS INTO OUR LIFE.
YOU'RE SAYING IT'S MY FAULT? YEAH, I'M DEFINITELY SAYING THAT.
YOU'RE GOING TO WASH YOUR HANDS OF THE SITUATION? YOU KNOW, I'D LOVE TO, BUT YALE'S PROBABLY IN THE DAMN BATHROOM! SHH! WE HAVE TO RECLAIM OUR LIVES.
OK.
LISTEN, I HAVE SOME FRIENDS WITH THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.
I CAN HAVE THEM ARRESTED ON TRUMPED-UP DRUG CHARGES.
IT'S TOO BIG.
YEAH.
I THINK ONE OF US JUST NEEDS TO TALK TO THEM.
THEY'D PROBABLY ONLY DO 5, 10 YEARS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL TALK TO THEM.
I MEAN, WE'RE ADULTS.
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF THESE PEOPLE.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Maria: MIKE? ASHLEY? HELLO.
DON'T MOVE.
(KNOCK KNOCK) Yale: COME ON.
WE SAW YOU FROM THE STREET.
(KNOCK KNOCK) WHAT HAPPENED TO JAMES' SPEECH? OH, UH, YEAH.
I HAD JAMES MAKE ONE OR 2 CHANGES JUST FOR STYLISTIC PURPOSES.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PART ABOUT THE BLOOD ON MY HANDS? SIR, YOU CAN'T GO UP TO THAT PODIUM AND SAY THAT YOU KILLED ABE GARFIELD.
I MEAN, I MIGHT BE WRONG, BUT THAT COULD HURT US IN THE POLLS.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT POLITICS, MIKE.
THIS IS ABOUT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY.
AHH IT'S ABOUT BEING A MAN.
OH! OW.
THAT HURT.
OH.
Mayor: ABE GARFIELD WAS A GOOD MAN.
I MUST ADMIT-- NO.
I MUST CONFESS THAT I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T GO ON.
YOU OK, PAUL? YEAH, YEAH.
I'M JUST PROUD TO BE WORKING FOR A MAN WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO SHOW HIS FEELINGS TO THE WORLD.
IT WILL BE OK, PAUL.
YOU JUST NEED YOU JUST NEED TO GIVE ME 10 BUCKS.
WHAT? YOUR BABY NAPKIN.
OH, SUGAR.
WELL, TUCKER WENT THROUGH THE WASH.
HERE'S MY 10 BUCKS.
WE'LL DIVERT THE REST OF HIS COLLEGE FUND TOWARDS ANOTHER ROUND OF DRINKS.
WHERE'S YOURS, JAMES? OH, MY GOD, WHERE'S MY BABY? WHERE'S MY BABY? I HAD THE BABY AT THE OFFICE.
I BROUGHT THE BABY TO THE BAR.
I PUT THE BABY ON THE TABLE.
STUART ASKED ME IF HE COULD SEE THE BABY.
I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO ME.
MMM.
MM-HMM.
CARTER, YOU'VE HEARD IT A THOUSAND TIMES.
ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE EITHER MARRIED OR I KNOW.
I KNOW.
I MADE SUCH A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.
NO, SIR.
YOU THOROUGHLY HONORED GARFIELD'S MEMORY.
I WAS MOVED.
EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE PARK WAS MOVED.
I MEAN, YOU CRIED, SIR.
THAT WASN'T ME, MIKE.
THAT WAS THE BINACA TALKING.
GARFIELD'S.
YOU KNOW, STRANGE, ISN'T IT? HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED MY MOUTH? HAPPENS TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE NOZZLE GETS BENT.
BUT HOW INCREDIBLE WAS THAT TIMING? PRETTY DAMN GOOD.
THERE I WAS, ABOUT TO CONFESS-- TO SOMETHING THAT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
THIS CANISTER STOPPED ME.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN SIGNS? DEPENDS.
I THINK THAT GARFIELD SAVED ME FROM MYSELF.
THEN YES, I DEFINITELY DO BELIEVE IN SIGNS.
WE OWE HIM ONE.
MMM.
OPEN UP, ABE.
OH, MY GOD.
Maria: THIS IS THE HUNGER STRIKE.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, THOUGH? I'M REALLY STARTING TO ENJOY THIS.
SHH.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.
Yale on tape: OH OH I'M SO HUNGRY.
OH, YALE, THAT'S GREAT.
POPCORN? Man: SIT, UBU, SIT GOOD DOG.
(BARKING)
WRONG APARTMENT.
NO.
I LIVE HERE.
WE'RE YOUR NEIGHBORS.
I'M MARIA.
I'M YALE.
APARTMENT 2B.
OR NOT 2B.
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
YEAH, I GET IT.
THAT'S-- THAT'S FUNNY.
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE-- ASHLEY.
HEY, HONEY.
SO YOU--YOU MET.
Mike: WE MET, YEAH.
YEAH, THEY LIVE UPSTAIRS.
THEY'RE IN 2B.
YEAH, I KNOW.
OR NOT 2B.
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
I'LL TELL HER LATER.
SHE'LL LAUGH.
YEAH, SO ANYWAY, YALE AND MARIA, THEY JUST STOPPED BY BECAUSE THEY HAVE THESE COUPLE EXTRA TICKETS TO THIS DOCUMENTARY.
IT'S ON THE COLLAPSE OF THE ECOSYSTEM IN BRAZIL.
AND I TOLD THEM WE PROBABLY COULDN'T MAKE IT.
BUT THEY PERSISTED AND PERSISTED AND PERSISTED UNTIL I FINALLY AGREED THAT IT WOULD BE REALLY FUN FOR THE BOTH OF US, SO WE'RE GOING.
(WHISPERING) I'm sorry.
I SPEAK FLUENT PORTUGUESE, SO IT WILL BE LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN PERSONAL TOUR GUIDE RIGHT THERE ALONG NEXT TO YOU.
OH, YALE, BUDDY, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SUGARCOAT IT, BECAUSE THE ECOSYSTEM IS, LIKE, RIGHT UP THERE FOR ME.
BUT I WORK FOR THE MAYOR'S OFFICE, AND WE ARE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRISIS.
WHAT KIND OF CRISIS? CRISIS.
CRISIS.
WHERE'D I PUT THAT CRISIS? (ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) Stuart on machine: MIKE, GARFIELD IS KICKING OUR BUTT ALL OVER TV AGAIN.
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED.
SEE YA.
WELL, ALAS, MY HANDS ARE TIED.
I MUST GO, SO, UH, I'LL JUST TAKE A RAIN CHECK.
A RAIN CHECK ON THE RAIN FOREST.
I MADE A FUNNY.
WELCOME.
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
IT'S MY FIRST SUNDAY EMERGENCY.
SEE YOU'VE PAID YOUR FINAL DUES ON YOUR GEEK MEMBERSHIP.
EVERYBODY HERE YET? NOT YET.
WELL, THAT'S COOL.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON? I HAVE ONE DAY OFF.
I'D PREFER NOT TO SPEND IT AT WORK.
WHOA.
HEADS UP.
NIKKI, IS THERE SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? HE'S MY SISTER'S.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A LIFE OF MY OWN, SO I BORROW ONE ON SUNDAYS.
YOU WERE PLAYING BASKETBALL? NO.
I WAS BOWLING.
I LOOKED LIKE AN IDIOT.
WHAT I MEANT WAS-- WHAT YOU MEANT WAS YOU'RE SURPRISED I PLAY BASKETBALL BECAUSE I'M A GAY MAN, BUT, YOU SEE, STUART, I'M ALSO A BLACK MAN, SO IT'S REALLY JUST A BATTLE BETWEEN YOUR ARCHAIC STEREOTYPES.
WHICH ONE'S WINNING? WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYBODY'S HERE EXCEPT PAULY, SO NO REASON WE SHOULDN'T START.
I AM NOT JUST THE EX-MAYOR.
I AM A NEW YORKER, AND I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT THIS CITY.
I WISH I WAS CONFIDENT THAT THE CURRENT MAYOR FELT THE SAME WAY.
HE'S BEEN GOING ON LIKE THAT FOR OVER AN HOUR.
(BABY-TALKING) THAT'S BAD.
VERY BAD.
VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY BAD.
WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO QUIET GARFIELD DOWN.
ANYBODY GOT ANY IDEAS? EVERYONE HAS SKELETONS, MIKE.
I COULD WHIP YOU UP A SMEAR CAMPAIGN.
MMM-WAAA.
I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU, STUART.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD ON THIS ONE.
OH, DON'T POUT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, NIKKI? WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY? HUGE EGO.
TOTALLY SELF-INVOLVED.
LIKES TO SEE HIS NAME ON THINGS.
OK.
WE'LL JUST GIVE HIM SOMETHING.
SO THAT'S YOUR BRAND OF POLITICS? YOU'RE GOING TO BUY HIS SUPPORT? CARTER, IN ANCIENT ROME, THEY WOULD CALL IT AN HOMAGE.
WE'D GIVE GARFIELD A JUG OF WINE, A HORSE, A VIRGIN.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
I CAN FIND HIM 2 OUT OF 3 RIGHT HERE IN THIS OFFICE.
JUST GOT TO SLAP HIS NAME ON SOMETHING.
NIKKI, THAT BABY GOT A NAME YET? HOW ABOUT A GARFIELD STREET? NAH.
TOO EXPENSIVE.
HOW ABOUT A LOVABLE ORANGE CARTOON CAT? Mike: YOU'RE NOT HELPING.
WHAT ABOUT A FOUNTAIN? JAMES, THAT'S BRILLIANT.
A FOUNTAIN? YOU SURE? 'CAUSE I CAN HAVE PICTURES OF HIM WITH A HOOKER BY 7:15.
A FOUNTAIN IT IS.
MEETING ADJOURNED.
LET'S GET A BEER.
AH, GET A BEER.
Pauly: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHERE'S EVERYBODY GOING? MEETING'S OVER, PAULY.
YOU MISSED IT.
NO.
I WAS ON THE THROGS NECK BRIDGE WHEN I GOT YOUR BEEP.
OVER 20 MILES.
I CAN'T FEEL MY THIGHS.
ANYONE WANT TO HOLD LITTLE BUCKEY? (ALL SAY NO) I'M AFRAID I MIGHT DROP HIM.
WHAT'LL HAPPEN WITH YOU GUYS WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR OWN KIDS? I'M GOING TO PUT A HANDLE ON MINE.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING A FATHER.
REALLY? SURE.
FIND THE RIGHT GUY, BUY A HOUSE, SETTLE DOWN.
AH, THAT'D BE NICE.
WE'RE LOOKING AT 5 FUTURE FATHERS OF THE YEAR HERE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
YOU GUYS COULDN'T TAKE CARE OF A NAPKIN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? LET'S TRY AN EXPERIMENT.
I GOT 50 BUCKS AGAINST 10 FROM EACH OF YOU THAT YOU EACH CAN'T TAKE ONE COCKTAIL NAPKIN, BRING IT BACK TO ME IN 48 HOURS, WELL-CARED FOR, NICE AND CLEAN.
GIVE ME THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT TO NAME THEM, SO WE KNOW WHOSE IS WHOSE.
I'M CALLING MINE SHELDON.
APPARENTLY PAUL WANTS HIS NAPKIN TO GET BEAT UP A LOT.
I'M NAMING MINE STUART.
WHAT IF IT'S A GIRL? IT'S A NAPKIN, AND ITS NAME IS STUART.
AND LAST NIGHT, IT KICKED SHELDON'S ASS.
OK.
ME AND TUCKER HAVE THE NEXT ROUND.
WOW.
THOUGHT I'D FIND YOU HERE.
HEY, ASHLEY.
HOW WAS THE DOCUMENTARY? I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU BAILED ON ME LIKE THAT.
I GOT TO TELL YOU, IT WAS AN INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT DECISION, HONEY, BUT THE SHIP WAS GOING DOWN, AND I COULD ONLY SAVE ONE OF US.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST? WELL, THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY MAN'S LIFE WHEN HE'S GOT TO SLAP ON A DRESS AND JUMP IN THE LIFEBOAT.
I JUST SAT THROUGH 3 HOURS OF BLACK-AND-WHITE FOOTAGE OF THE RAIN FOREST DISAPPEARING.
BY THE END, I WAS ACTUALLY ROOTING FOR THE RAIN FOREST TO BE GONE FASTER.
THEY'RE NOT HERE NOW, SO THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER.
UH, NO, IT'S NOT.
SEE, THEY INVITED THEMSELVES OVER FOR DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS.
IT'S JUST ONE NIGHT-- IN, THEN WE'RE OUT, NOBODY GETS HURT.
OK.
PICK UP.
HEY.
NO! STUART! YOU'RE OUT! HE WAS SO YOUNG.
I WONDER WHY WE'RE DOING THIS FOR HIM, MICHAEL.
GARFIELD'S BEEN SLAMMING US PRETTY HARD LATELY.
I KNOW.
WE'RE JUST GIVING HIM A FOUNTAIN, SIR.
I HAVE SUCH MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT GARFIELD.
HE'S SUCH A MAN OF THE PEOPLE, LARGER THAN LIFE.
IT'S NOT JEALOUSY.
I JUST WISH I HAD WHAT HE HAD.
YOU'RE THE MAYOR NOW, SIR, AND DON'T FORGET THAT.
YEAH.
I KNOW THAT.
BUT STILL, WHEN HE'S AROUND, I CAN'T HELP FEELING LIKE I JUST DISAPPEAR.
GOOD MORNING, FLAHERTY.
WHERE'S THAT BOSS OF YOURS? ABE.
RANDALL.
YOU BETTER FIRM THAT BABY UP A BIT.
LOOK, THE REASON THAT WE INVITED YOU DOWN HERE-- RANDALL, OPEN.
YOU KEEP THAT.
WHEN YOU'RE OUT WITH THE PEOPLE, YOU NEED THAT MINTY BREATH.
YEAH, ANYWAY, WE'RE AWARE THAT YOU'VE BEEN VOICING SOME CONCERNS LATELY, AND, WELL, WE THOUGHT THAT WE MIGHT GIVE ME A FOUNTAIN? I KNOW.
I LOVE IT.
IT'S A GOOD START.
MR.
MAYOR.
FONG.
(SPEAKS FONG'S NATIVE LANGUAGE) GOOD TO SEE YOU, MR.
MAYOR.
IT'S JUST ABE NOW.
YOU KNOW THAT.
NOT TO ME.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MAYOR TO ME.
THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
HE'S GOOD.
YOU'RE BETTER, SIR.
AMIGO, ¿QUE PASA? ¿COMO ESTA SU NOVIA CARMELA? OH, BIEN.
GRACIAS.
GRACIAS.
DE NADA.
DE NADA.
HAVE A GOOD ONE, JESUS.
PRONUNCIATION OF NAME) (SPANISH PRONUNCIATION) IT'S JESUS.
JESUS, SIR.
HE COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING.
AND SO IT ENDS AS IT BEGAN, WITH US CLEANING OIL-SOAKED LOONS, THE LITTLEST VICTIMS OF THE EXXON VALDEZ.
FASCINATING.
FASCINATING STUFF.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THE TIME? IT'S ALREADY 9:15.
TALK ABOUT BURNING THE CANDLE, HUH? YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A WHOLE BAG OF TAPES.
I'M JUST GOING TO RUN TO THE BATHROOM, JUST SPLASH SOME WATER ON MY FACE.
SO WE'LL JUST POP ONE IN, THEN, HUH? OH, YEAH.
YOU GO AHEAD, YALE.
LET'S, UH LET'S SEE IF WE CAN ACTUALLY MAKE TIME STOP.
SHOULD WE SHOW THE ONE OF OUR HUNGER STRIKE OR THE ONE WHERE WE CHAINED OURSELVES TO THE REDWOOD TREES? OOH, I DON'T KNOW.
MIKE? YOU KNOW, I'M NOT EVEN COMFORTABLE MAKING THAT DECISION.
WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD? YOU JUST PICK WHICHEVER ONE IS, UH, SHORTER.
HONEY, WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THEM, OK? YOU GO OUT THERE.
YOU TELL THEM I'M SICK.
I'LL STAY IN HERE, AND I'LL MAKE VOMITING NOISES.
I DON'T THINK IT'LL WORK.
THEY PROBABLY HAVE HERBAL REMEDIES WITH THEM.
I WAS ACTUALLY WITH THEM FOR THE FIRST COUPLE OF LOONS.
AFTER THAT, I GOT IT, YOU KNOW.
THEY'RE OILY, THEY'RE CLEAN.
HAVE WE NOT MADE IT CLEAR TO THEM THAT WE WANT THEM TO LEAVE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING BUT RIFLE THROUGH THEIR POCKETS LOOKING FOR THE 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE THEY STOLE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE JUST GOT TO RIDE THIS THING OUT.
ASHLEY, I-I-I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU SO I'M NOT GOING TO OVERSTATE THIS.
THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT TO DESTROY US.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THEM.
LOOK AT THEM WATCHING OUR TV, EATING OUR FOOD, DRINKING OUR WATER.
IF WE DON'T SNUFF THIS OUT, WE MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THEM THE KEYS BECAUSE IT'S NOT OUR PLACE, IT'S THEIRS.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) Yale: I GOT IT.
OH, MY GOD.
WE'RE TOO LATE.
NO, NO, NO.
WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER.
I LOVE YOU, ASHLEY.
I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
Yale: THAT WAS YOUR EDITOR.
HE SAID IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.
CALL BACK WHENEVER YOU WANT.
OH, IT SOUNDS BAD.
GOT TO GO.
OH, NO.
SO THE ACTUAL FOUNTAIN WILL LOOK JUST LIKE THIS ONLY MUCH, MUCH BIGGER.
WELL, ON THE PLUS SIDE, WHEN THE DEDICATION'S OVER, HE CAN JUST TAKE IT HOME WITH HIM.
Paul: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
IT IS MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK, THE HONORABLE RANDALL WINSTON, AND THE FORMERLY HONORABLE ABE GARFIELD WHO WAS-- WHO WAS THE MAYOR.
AS MAYOR OF THIS CITY, IT'S MY DISTINCT PLEASURE TO OFFICIALLY PRONOUNCE THIS THE ABE GARFIELD FOUNTAIN.
MAYOR WINSTON, WHAT DID YOU WISH? UH, TO BE REELECTED.
WHAT ELSE? UH, MAYOR GARFIELD, WHAT WAS YOUR WISH? THAT NEW YORK REMAIN THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD, THAT WE SET THE STANDARD FOR CULTURE AND COMPASSION, FOR LIFE AND LIBERTY, NOT TO MENTION THE BEST PASTRAMI KNOWN TO MAN.
MIKE, CAN I HAVE ANOTHER PENNY? Paul: THANK YOU ALL.
WELL, GENTLEMEN, THAT WAS QUITE A MOVING CEREMONY, TO SEE 2 GREAT LEADERS OF THIS CITY COME TOGETHER-- DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD BUY ME OFF WITH THISBIRDBATH? THAT WAS THE PLAN.
YEAH.
I'VE HAD MARTINIS BIGGER THAN THIS.
THIS IS AN INSULT.
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THIS JOB IS.
BUT NO, NO, NO.
YOU PLAY THE CRITIC.
YOU DO THE TALK-SHOW CIRCUIT.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT IT DOES? IT JUST PROVES TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A VAIN, PETTY, SELF-CENTERED, EGOMANIACAL WHY ARE YOU LYING DOWN? Mike: SOMEBODY GET AN AMBULANCE! IT'S SO WEIRD TO SEE THE FLAG AT HALF-MAST.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE.
SIR, WE SHOULD PROBABLY WORK UP SOME SORT OF STATEMENT.
I KILLED HIM, MIKE.
I KILLED HIM DEAD.
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD STARTING POINT.
I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY SOFTEN IT A LITTLE.
THE OTHER DAY, I WATCHED ABE WALK THESE HALLWAYS, PATTING STRANGERS ON THE BACK, SPEAKING FLAWLESS CANTONESE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT I WISHED? I WISHED THAT HE WERE GONE, I WISHED THAT HE WEREN'T HERE.
IT'S NOT QUITE THE SAME AS WISHING HE WERE DEAD.
I WISHED THAT, TOO.
OH, BOY.
YOU KNOW, HE GAVE ME THIS AND A LITTLE SAGE ADVICE.
GARFIELD WAS AN OLDER MAN.
HE HAD A HISTORY OF HEART PROBLEMS.
NO, NO, MIKE.
MY WORDS CUT HIM DOWN, AND THE GUILT IS SO HEAVY.
I NEED TO ATONE.
I JUST NEED TO TELL THE WORLD.
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW YOU'RE HURTING, SIR.
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS YOU WANT TO TAKE ALL THAT HURT AND ALL THAT PAIN AND ALL THAT CONFUSION AND OVERWHELMING FEELINGS AND YOU WANT TO JUST BOTTLE THEM RIGHT UP.
MORNING, SIR.
YES, I AM, SON.
THE WHOLE CITY IS.
I'M SORRY.
OK.
HOW'S HE DOING, MIKE? HE BLAMES HIMSELF.
WHY, JUST BECAUSE HE YELLED AT THE OLD GUY TILL HE DROPPED DEAD? LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR FOR EVERYBODY.
WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THE MAYOR AND GARFIELD WAS NOT AN ARGUMENT.
IT WAS MERELY AN ANIMATED DISCUSSION THAT QUITE SUDDENLY BECAME UNANIMATED.
THEY HAD A VIGIL AT THE FOUNTAIN LAST NIGHT.
HUNDREDS SHOWED UP.
OF COURSE, ONLY 5 PEOPLE COULD FIT AROUND IT AT ONE TIME.
THEY HAD THE VIGIL IN SHIFTS.
I THINK THEY'RE STILL GOING.
THIS IS A TOUGH TIME.
A BELOVED MAN HAS PASSED ON TO HIS GREAT REWARD, AND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE A LITTLE UPSET.
GARFIELD ESTA MUERTO! ¿POR QUE? ¿POR QUE? SHEESH! LET ME JUST SAY THAT ABE GARFIELD WAS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD MAYOR, AND FOR THIS, HE WILL BE MISSED.
HE WAS A GOOD FRIEND.
WE KNEW HIM WELL.
SO TODAY, OUR LOVE GOES OUT TO HIS WIFE, OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, TO HIS CHILDREN.
GARFIELD DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN.
THEN THE THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS GO TO THE WIFE, TOO.
WILL THERE BE SOME KIND OF MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR GARFIELD? Paul: YES, YES.
THE EX-MAYOR WILL BE HONORED AND REMEMBERED FOR HIS YEARS OF PUBLIC SERVICE.
WILL MAYOR WINSTON DELIVER A EULOGY AT THE MEMORIAL? YES AND NO.
LET ME JUST CLARIFY THAT.
YES, THE MAYOR WILL BE SPEAKING, BUT THEN AGAIN, MAYBE HE WON'T.
WHO KNOWS? RIGHT NOW, THE ONLY THING THAT WE CAN SAY IS THAT EX-MAYOR GARFIELD IS IN FACT STILL DEAD.
Mike, whispering: THINK THEY HEARD US? Ashley, whispering: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES.
YEAH.
GOOD IDEA.
OH, AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES? WHAT? I'D TAKE OFF MINE EXCEPT THAT WE'RE PRISONERS IN OUR OWN HOME.
CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO FOCUS ON THE ISSUE AT HAND HERE? HEY, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO INVITED THESE 2 CIRCUS FREAKS INTO OUR LIFE.
YOU'RE SAYING IT'S MY FAULT? YEAH, I'M DEFINITELY SAYING THAT.
YOU'RE GOING TO WASH YOUR HANDS OF THE SITUATION? YOU KNOW, I'D LOVE TO, BUT YALE'S PROBABLY IN THE DAMN BATHROOM! SHH! WE HAVE TO RECLAIM OUR LIVES.
OK.
LISTEN, I HAVE SOME FRIENDS WITH THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.
I CAN HAVE THEM ARRESTED ON TRUMPED-UP DRUG CHARGES.
IT'S TOO BIG.
YEAH.
I THINK ONE OF US JUST NEEDS TO TALK TO THEM.
THEY'D PROBABLY ONLY DO 5, 10 YEARS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL TALK TO THEM.
I MEAN, WE'RE ADULTS.
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF THESE PEOPLE.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Maria: MIKE? ASHLEY? HELLO.
DON'T MOVE.
(KNOCK KNOCK) Yale: COME ON.
WE SAW YOU FROM THE STREET.
(KNOCK KNOCK) WHAT HAPPENED TO JAMES' SPEECH? OH, UH, YEAH.
I HAD JAMES MAKE ONE OR 2 CHANGES JUST FOR STYLISTIC PURPOSES.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PART ABOUT THE BLOOD ON MY HANDS? SIR, YOU CAN'T GO UP TO THAT PODIUM AND SAY THAT YOU KILLED ABE GARFIELD.
I MEAN, I MIGHT BE WRONG, BUT THAT COULD HURT US IN THE POLLS.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT POLITICS, MIKE.
THIS IS ABOUT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY.
AHH IT'S ABOUT BEING A MAN.
OH! OW.
THAT HURT.
OH.
Mayor: ABE GARFIELD WAS A GOOD MAN.
I MUST ADMIT-- NO.
I MUST CONFESS THAT I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T GO ON.
YOU OK, PAUL? YEAH, YEAH.
I'M JUST PROUD TO BE WORKING FOR A MAN WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO SHOW HIS FEELINGS TO THE WORLD.
IT WILL BE OK, PAUL.
YOU JUST NEED YOU JUST NEED TO GIVE ME 10 BUCKS.
WHAT? YOUR BABY NAPKIN.
OH, SUGAR.
WELL, TUCKER WENT THROUGH THE WASH.
HERE'S MY 10 BUCKS.
WE'LL DIVERT THE REST OF HIS COLLEGE FUND TOWARDS ANOTHER ROUND OF DRINKS.
WHERE'S YOURS, JAMES? OH, MY GOD, WHERE'S MY BABY? WHERE'S MY BABY? I HAD THE BABY AT THE OFFICE.
I BROUGHT THE BABY TO THE BAR.
I PUT THE BABY ON THE TABLE.
STUART ASKED ME IF HE COULD SEE THE BABY.
I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO ME.
MMM.
MM-HMM.
CARTER, YOU'VE HEARD IT A THOUSAND TIMES.
ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE EITHER MARRIED OR I KNOW.
I KNOW.
I MADE SUCH A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.
NO, SIR.
YOU THOROUGHLY HONORED GARFIELD'S MEMORY.
I WAS MOVED.
EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE PARK WAS MOVED.
I MEAN, YOU CRIED, SIR.
THAT WASN'T ME, MIKE.
THAT WAS THE BINACA TALKING.
GARFIELD'S.
YOU KNOW, STRANGE, ISN'T IT? HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED MY MOUTH? HAPPENS TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE NOZZLE GETS BENT.
BUT HOW INCREDIBLE WAS THAT TIMING? PRETTY DAMN GOOD.
THERE I WAS, ABOUT TO CONFESS-- TO SOMETHING THAT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
THIS CANISTER STOPPED ME.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN SIGNS? DEPENDS.
I THINK THAT GARFIELD SAVED ME FROM MYSELF.
THEN YES, I DEFINITELY DO BELIEVE IN SIGNS.
WE OWE HIM ONE.
MMM.
OPEN UP, ABE.
OH, MY GOD.
Maria: THIS IS THE HUNGER STRIKE.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, THOUGH? I'M REALLY STARTING TO ENJOY THIS.
SHH.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.
Yale on tape: OH OH I'M SO HUNGRY.
OH, YALE, THAT'S GREAT.
POPCORN? Man: SIT, UBU, SIT GOOD DOG.
(BARKING)