Spitting Image (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1 [MUSIC.]
Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.
This is lovely.
In honour of getting myself back into the swing of things, the producers of Spitting Image have sent me this gift.
OK, "Sit down," it says.
"Take off the lid," it says, "and put your face right down into the" [GRUNTS.]
[MUSIC AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, everybody.
Thanks for coming out to my rally.
You're beautiful, I love you, we're gonna have fun.
Melania is here, Ivanka, and that dynamo of energy and excitement, Jared Kushner! [WHEELS RATTLE.]
J-Man! Show us those dance moves.
Give me a Y M C Easy, don't drive the crowd crazy.
And my biggest fan, he's at every Trump rally, Coroney! Ya! Catch me if you can! Wa-hey! [CHEERING.]
[COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING.]
Vote for me, I'm the funnest president since Lincoln.
[CHEERING.]
It's All Hallows' Eve, spookius maximus.
The perfect night for a seance to summon the ghost of Winston Churchill.
He'll tell us how to get out of this quagmire - we governed ourselves into.
- The witches brew is almost ready.
In goes eye of puppy, other eye of puppy, - rest of puppy.
- All right, join hands.
Oh, mightiest Tory leader, Torius imperator, come unto us and impart your wisdom because we haven't got a bastard clue.
[MUMBLES.]
Never surrender Darkest hour [THUNDER BOOMS.]
THATCHER'S VOICE: No, no, no.
You turn if you want to.
OMG, it's Margaret Thatcher! My hero! - I'm quivering in fear.
- Right I'm just tucking my shirt into my trousers.
Why have you summoned me, you snivelling weaklings? We're having some trouble with the North.
Abolish it! Maybe we can suggest that to the mayors during the next round of negotiations.
You're negotiating with northerners?! - Oh, you cretinous wets! - This is so hot.
If I had a pulse, it would be racing.
I want to kiss her, him, it.
[KISSES AND MOANS.]
- Lips so sausagey.
- What shall we do about hungry school kids? Take away their milk, snatch it! We've already taken away their meals.
Never take everything away.
Make them feel grateful for what little they get.
OK.
About the EU, - now that we've left it - You left it? My God, what are you going to do next? - Catch immigrants with nets? - Erm I was the Iron Lady, not the Stupid Twat.
That does it, I'm coming back, taking over, and reshuffling you all into hell.
[THUNDER CLAPS.]
[MENACING LAUGHTER.]
How do we get rid of her? It says here our only option is an immediate blood sacrifice.
ALL: Hancock.
And it should be a virgin.
ALL: Hancock.
[RATTLES DOOR.]
Do I get a sticker for being brave? Argh Another bloody U-turn! [BORIS MUTTERS.]
What happened? What did Winston say? - He said to kill Hancock.
- Ah, now that's leadership.
Pint? [THUNDER BOOMS.]
Mike, a lot of people are saying voter fraud is a big, big problem.
- Mainly stupid people.
- Mainly Republicans, exactly.
I want an election that is free and fair.
So I'm going to personally check all the mail-in ballots.
And destroy the fraudulent ones? Yes, the fraudulent ones that voted for Democrats.
That's definitely one of your best and only ideas.
But the Post Office will never let us tamper with the mail.
Not a problem.
I just appointed a new Postmaster General.
Send in the kid! [WHEELS RATTLE.]
Jared, put it there.
Great to see you, Jared.
So, Mr Postmaster, you mind if I borrow your keys? He didn't say no and even if he did, that's also a yes.
OK, let's go steal some mail.
- But what if someone sees us? - Don't worry.
I bought some Halloween masks as a disguise.
Gangs of hoodlums, people petrified in their own homes, the country's falling apart, Aneurin.
If only I was in a position to do something.
You are the leader of the Labour Party.
Exactly.
Powerless.
I have no choice, I shall become a masked hero, a bringer of vigilante justice.
But what dark creature of the night shall I choose as my symbol? [BANGING AND SQUEALING.]
[HOWLING.]
That's it, the fox.
The garbage-eating pest that strikes fear into the heart of every Tory.
[SQUEALING.]
I'd better check with the NEC that foxes are kosher.
- Any crooked ballots? - None yet.
But we've only checked the first 20 million.
- A-ha! Found something.
- Voter fraud? No, a birthday card some old bat sent to her six-year-old grandson.
- 20 bucks! Paydirt! - Here's an anomaly, sir.
The signature on this ballot doesn't match the printed name.
Out of my way, let me see that.
Hmm.
That fish-hooky symbol doesn't match the flaggy-looking thing.
That's a letter J and a letter P.
So they're using letters to represent words? - Must be a secret code.
- It's English.
Send this to the FBI crime lab and find out who mailed it.
No-one steals an election from me, you got that? I'm President, I do the stealing.
Joe, old chum, buddy.
The whole thing with me and Trump, just a phase.
Our real special relationship has always been with you - ever since I saw the latest polls.
- I appreciate that, man.
Hey, love the accent.
Where are you from? Pittsburgh? Listen, I'd love to talk about trade.
Well, what you got? Comic books? Baseball cards? No, but we've got one thing America can't live without.
It's me, babes.
Woah-ooh, woah-ooh.
- Mental, innit? [CHUCKLES.]
- Wait, are you Borat? It's Prosecco o'clock.
Woo-hoo.
Give me the purse or I'll kick out your Invisaligns.
Piss off! - [BOTH GASP.]
- This party is over.
I am Fox Man and I am here to clean up these streets.
Masked vigilante, 'ey? - I'm not afraid of you.
- Nor should you be.
I'm here to find a pragmatic solution which brings all sides together around a shared outcome.
A shared outcome? He's trying to kill me.
I understand the strength of feeling on this issue.
Which is why I'm proposing a royal commission - It's time to skin the fox.
- Do you have a super-weapon? No, it's something far more powerful, The Crime and Courts Act 2013.
It gives judges at Crown, District and Magistrate level - the power to defer sentencing - [SNORING.]
- in lieu of restorative justice.
- [SNORING.]
He's asleep.
You're a genius, Badger Lad.
- It's Fox Man.
- Yeah, whatever.
My fellow Americans, it is my sad duty to report some very disturbing voter fraud.
This ballot was illegally cast by a foreigner seeking to interfere in our elections.
The FBI has obtained security videotape of this foreign individual which I will now play.
Whatever you say, Mr Trump.
I-I think that's the wrong video, Mr President.
Don't stop it, this is the good part.
[TV SMASHES.]
Now what do we watch, genius? Actually, we caught the foreigner in question last night in California.
Bring him in! Prince Harry? You're the illegal foreign voter? [BLOWS HIS NOSE.]
I just wanted to be part of the process.
I feel so grateful to live in America where everyone gets to vote, instead of being lorded over by a wank like my brother.
- They do vote in England too.
- Really? I'm gobsmacked.
I guess I missed that in school.
According to this, he voted for you, Donald.
- What? - Your name was first on the list.
I thought that's how it worked.
We can't throw out that ballot, sir.
We need every vote.
No problem.
Harry, I hereby declare you a US citizen if you can answer this one simple question.
How many states are there in the Union? - 50.
- Wrong.
Damn it! Jared, send this loser back home.
- To England? - No, California.
I want you to suffer.
[WHIMPERS.]
Safely back in the fox hole.
The future looks bright for Fox Man.
And I, Aneurin, your faithful butler, will be right there with you.
Only if approved by the Butler Union, pursuant to overtime limits under the Working Time Directive.
[SNORING.]
What can you tell us about this mysterious vigilante? Well, he was wearing a dead badger or something.
It smelled of rotting flesh.
What a shame, Fox Man is just another pervert with a dead animal fetish.
More media smears.
Oh, God, am I turning into Corbyn? [TINKLING BELLS.]
Daddy, why did Christmas come early this year? Because there's a magic man who wants everybody to love him.
And is he truly handsome and does he wear a lovely, blue suit? Yes, darling, he's Rishi Sunak and he lives at the Treasury, so he gives the best gift of all money.
If anyone ever says he isn't real, tell 'em this.
You better not gripe You better not moan He's got virus grants And emergency loans Rishi Sunak's helping us all I've got a nice smile And dark, shiny hair I throw around cash So you know that I care Rishi Sunak's helping us all He knows your job is threatened Your bills keep you awake But Rishi's borrowed billions Have some cash, for goodness sake I crossed all the T's I dotted the I's I wasted it all On shit health supplies Rishi Sunak's helping us all He helped to bail the Arts out Though he left it rather late I said "Delay your tax bill" I'll go broke at a later date We all went on furlough Rishi made the landing soft But only till October ends And then you're all laid off He's borrowed it all We're deep in arrears The recession that's coming Will last 80 years Rishi Sunak's helping us all You'll be left with nothing - Give me that.
- .
.
at all.
- Now do you believe? - Here's your present, little girl.
Something expensive that will last for years and years.
- You mean? - Yes, it's the tax bill for all of this.
Good luck, bye.
[EATS NOISILY.]
Now, look, Marcus Rashford is hauling us over the coals about free school meals.
The thing to do is meet with him face-to-face and lay out our thoughts and concerns in a calm, sensible manner.
We kept all the pies The pizzas and the fries Marcus Rashford, do-good bastard We kept all the pies.
[CROWD BOOING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hello, Elon.
Planning another diatribe about how Amazon is a monopoly.
Or just gonna go, "Wah, wah, short sellers"? Your lame jabs cannot hurt me, Bezos.
By November 3rd, I'll be on Mars.
I'm leaving before the inevitable final catastrophe.
What about your songbird wife Grimes? She's at home working on music to power our new civilisation.
Mars, Grimes on Mars Red planet.
- I won't be taking her.
- Musketeer, how are they swinging? In unison, if you must know.
Push off, Branson, we're discussing space travel.
Nothing that concerns you.
Virgin Galactic pioneered commercial space travel.
A three-minute view from low-Earth orbit for a mere quarter million dollars.
- We are trying to get to Mars.
- We? Hang on.
Since when do you have a Mars programme? I'm Amazon.
I can order anything I want for me.
Did I mention we offer snack service like space corn? Imagine gnawing it right off the cob in zero G.
Then the race to Mars is on.
You versus me.
No, you versus me.
And also me.
Branson makes three.
A toast to seal the wager.
Gents? Oh, we chaps have fun.
What is this thing? It has a pleasant snap.
Like crushing an enemy's exoskeleton beneath one's talon.
It's a poppadom.
You must have been to a curry house before, Dominic? Of course, there are many curry houses on my home planet.
I mean my home town, which is Epsilon-5.
I mean Durham.
Look, I'm making a move on Boris and I want you on my team.
Yes.
He is weak and he won't let me eat his baby.
Exactly.
You see, we're a lot alike, you and I.
I'm from a humble fishing village, you're an alien from Epsilon-5.
How did you know I'm an alien from Epsilon-5? - I didn't until now.
- Very clever.
We are alike.
Zero empathy, a total lack of moral core.
What dark and inhuman corner of the galaxy are you from? - Scotland.
- Plausible.
I am glad we are allies.
Me too.
Try the curry.
Argh! It contains turmeric, a deadly poison to my race.
[CHUCKLES.]
I suspected as much.
Sorry, old boy, but only one can rule, you know.
Utterly despicable.
So you are Scottish! [GURGLES.]
Mr Zuckerberg, we believe Facebook is being used by Russia to disseminate misinformation.
I am shocked and surprised to hear such an allegation.
Where did you say, Russia? With an R? Extremely divisive material is constantly blasted on your platform by what are called "troll farms".
This is the first time I've heard even a hint of such things.
But I assure you that I will personally investigate this matter.
Although I very much doubt the existence of these "troll farms".
[THUD, GRUNTS.]
The western inspector is here to make sure we are legitimate Facebook clients.
Change screens now! I want to see kittens and puppies.
Kittens and puppies! Mr Zuckerberg, welcome.
We are all biggest fans of your book of faces.
That lines up with our data.
We traced a lot of messages to this place, so I came to make sure everything is on the level.
Now, who is "Auntie Svetlana who loves knitting"? - It is I.
- Auntie, I love your knitting site but could you maybe tone down the rampant racism? - We'll try.
- Great.
And which one of you is "14-year-old Timmy Johnson from Sioux Falls"? - Is also me.
- I hate to be sceptical, but it's my job.
Aren't you kind of old and female to be a 14-year-old boy? Wow! And I thought we of America - is celebrating gender and age fluidity.
- We of America? These are all red-blooded, apple beet pie lovers - from the US and also A.
- But what are you all doing out here in the Anadyrsky District of Chukotka Autonomous Okrug? Is good Wi-Fi.
Well, I've done all that could possibly be expected to ensure the integrity of Facebook.
And now off to China to check out Alabama Joe's Spoonbread Cotillion.
[HUMS.]
- You?! - That's right, Govey.
- But I thought that - You had safely dumped me in the kitchen trash.
It turns out that rancid frier grease is the perfect antidote to turmeric.
And it's good for the joints.
You have made yourself a powerful enemy.
[MUSIC.]
- Plus, you have to get the bill.
- No! In the week of Brexit, we will no longer be asking you to maintain a distance of two metres.
Instead, we shall use a more traditional British measurement, the furlong.
So, from now on, please stay one one-hundredth of a furlong apart.
Strong, furlong, hopefully not for long.
- How big's a furlong? - Ah, yes, to help with that, we are bringing back another great British tradition, the ruff.
Stay one ruff apart and you'll be fine.
Ruff, tough, hope to God it's enough.
The rockets are fuelled up and the countdown has begun for the Mars mission of Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson.
The world reacts as three billionaires leave the planet perhaps never to return.
[CHEERING.]
OK, mission control, all systems are go.
[KNOCKING.]
Be safe, my dear, I know it's hard, but here's a keepsake so you'll never forget me.
Mars, Grimes on Mars Red planet.
Thank you, my dear.
I'm no longer afraid of death.
You're too late, Elon.
As an Amazon Prime subscriber, I get expedited launches.
Stupid algorithm.
- Although I am out.
- Eat it, Bezos.
After millions of man hours, I've developed an abbreviated countdown.
[READING.]
Who did that? Fire that guy! MAN: 'Lift-off.
' - MAN: 'Lift-off.
' - I'm off.
Alexa, make me my launch-day lemonade.
Too late, gentlemen, I'm already on my way with a tried and true solution.
VOICE: 'Branson, you dingbat.
A balloon can't travel through space.
' I can still go higher than my space plane.
Oh, man, I'm getting spacesick.
Only one solution.
VOICE: 'Atmosphere contamination detected.
Engage filtration.
' Right.
[INHALES.]
Go get it, kitty.
[CAT SQUEALS.]
Damn it, the ship's too heavy for some reason.
Mars, Grimes on Mars Red planet.
[CAT HISSING AND GROWLING.]
Now, now, it's not that bad.
There, you're done.
[SNUFFLING.]
Careful, I'm pumicing my corns.
It takes total concentration.
What do you do with all those foot flakes? I sell to company that make White House snow globes.
So proud of you.
We're the world's greatest family.
- Everybody's saying it.
- Ready for bed, darling? Just gotta remove my makeup.
All right, got my bed burger.
Let's hit the sack.
Mwah.
So, whatever happens to those billionaire idiots heading for Mars? You can go and watch part two of this episode online right now.
I'm not gonna pay good money to watch some stupid puppets.
Although my puppet is the greatest and I love it.
I'm gonna send 200 misspelled tweets about how dumb that is.
- No, can't someone else do it? - But who? Who could really capture my style and swagger? - [SNAP.]
Got it! - Oh, no! Not that asshole.
[FARTS AND STRAINS.]
[SQUELCHING.]
[STRAINS.]
- [SQUELCHING.]
- Now what is it doing? [GASPS.]
Jesus Christ.
The asshole subscribed to BritBox!