Spy (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

Hold that.
Must make you feel inadequate.
Don't know what you mean.
Look how he craves the attention of a real father figure.
That's why Philip's so amazing for him.
I don't want to talk about Philip.
Gotcha.
How's it hanging, blood? Painfully.
Who's that? That is Sam McCloud's dad Tony.
He's a detective sergeant in the Met.
I've had the school inspectors on my back.
Apparently you can see "more discipline in a Romanian brothel", which I think is rather rude.
Which part of Romania exactly? Galati is a charming city.
Wow.
Fascinating! Just getting back to him.
Oh.
Yep, right.
Well, I asked Tony to come and talk to the kids.
You know, instil a bit of order.
Really? Surprised you didn't ask me.
We know little about discipline in the civil service.
You're the best.
Managed to break open the skylight above the warehouse and out the corner of my eye I saw one of the guys running through Wow, that is an excellent story.
It's Tony, isn't it? Yep.
Yeah.
I'm Tim.
I'm Marcus' dad.
So, the old law enforcement.
That's right.
We're pretty much in the same business, you and me.
Please don't.
You in the force? Yeah, in a way.
Civil service.
OK.
Pretty high level.
Must be exciting.
Oh, it is.
All that photocopying.
That's a good one.
So what are you guys packing these days? We don't carry weapons.
Oh dear.
Me, I'm a Glock man.
What? 9mm auto.
Short recoil.
One in the chamber, 16 in the mag.
Do you have a licence to carry a firearm, sir? Sorry, what? The Glock.
Do you have a licence for that? He doesn't have a gun.
Well, which is it? Do you have a firearm or not? No.
You do know it's an offence to waste police time.
I'm not wasting police time.
Do you understand me? Come on, guys.
We don't like liars.
Thanks! Oh, come on.
It's one thing to humiliate me in front of my work colleagues, but quite another to insult one of Her Majesty's police officers.
But he was a bit of an arse.
He's a detective sergeant.
What are you? I'm a s civil servant.
No, you're nothing.
Ouch.
Shut up.
"Identified.
Karen Lee.
" I swear to you, I thought it was the men's toilet.
Good morning.
Hi, how are you? Good, thanks.
You? Yeah, good.
Is this you? No, what is it? Don't ask.
Now then, you and I need to have a little chat about what constitutes acceptable behaviour in the workplace.
You wanted to see Hello? Sir? Is that you, Tim? Yes.
Were you hiding? No.
No.
No, no, no.
Just Erm dropped Ah! Here it is.
There's nothing there.
Enough of the small talk, Tim.
Senior management have decided to introduce a new policy of random drug testing in the office.
Fair enough.
If I take that drug test with my blood, it is possible it might fail.
Possible? Possible-slash-certain.
Right.
It's the old ganja, I'm afraid.
OK.
That something you do regularly? I didn't ask you in here so you could judge me, Tim.
No, no.
It's just cannabis only stays detectable in body for six weeks.
Yep.
I'm going to need your blood.
Mm.
I'm not gonna give you my blood.
Not even for a promotion? Promotion? For a few mills of that beautiful clean plasma.
What kind of promotion? What do you want? Erm I don't know.
Executive position? Done.
Really? Yep.
Really? That's it? I'm an executive? Congratulations.
This is gonna make Marcus so proud.
Of course it will.
Now roll up your sleeve.
What? Oh, right.
Remember, Tim, don't let that power go to your head.
Don't worry, sir.
I won't change one little bit.
Bit more focus, people.
These exercises are important, yes? Good.
Very good, very good.
How are you getting on? What? Listen, I hope things aren't gonna be weird between us.
Why should they be? Well, you know, with the promotion.
Now I have more responsibilities and a bigger desk.
It's not a bigger desk.
It's an executive desk.
It's the same desk with a sticker on it.
Yeah.
I just wanted to say, I'm still on your side, OK? I still think of us as equals.
We are equals.
Yeah, of course we are.
Absolutely we are.
Although officially Still equals, absolutely.
Yeah, good talk.
Yes, question? Not so funny now, is it? So stupid.
Why did you snitch on us? Hold him.
Check and see if he's got any money.
What are you looking at? Get out of here.
You alright, Oliver? Excellent, thank you.
That's right.
So go on, get out.
Get his arms.
Look how pathetic he is.
Why don't you stop being a crybaby? I'm afraid I can't do that.
Come on, Marcus.
Wait for me outside.
It's a breach of the school code, not mention common law, to assault a fellow student.
Of course, if you don't stop, it might leaked out how you and Carl kissed after the school disco.
What? Hey, I'm not judging.
I didn't kiss Carl.
I understand.
It's society's fault.
But you know how cruel kids can be.
Carl, tell him we didn't kiss.
Carl! Yeah.
No, no way did we kiss.
Ugh.
That would be horrible.
So, gentlemen, what's it to be? The inspectors were right.
There's absolutely no discipline in this school.
What were you thinking? I was just doing my job.
Your job? Philip, talk to him.
I'm gonna call Paula and inform her how Tim has been letting Marcus run wild.
Yes, my love.
Marcus, you were very brave today.
God knows what might have happened if Mr Harris hadn't turned up.
In future, you'd do exactly the same again, wouldn't you? I couldn't possibly comment.
I knew it.
Bit risky, though.
The kid needed my help.
You are the coolest.
How would you feel about a little assignment? I'm listening.
What's up, Marcus? Hey, Marcus.
Hi, Marcus.
Thought you might need a drink.
I don't drink on duty.
No, of course.
Sorry.
Perhaps I could make an exception.
You've got You should get back to class.
Keep it.
Had your fun, have you? Hello, Paula.
You force your way in? No.
Ravished me all night? No, I didn't.
And then leave without even a goodbye? Goodbye.
No, wait, I'm sorry.
Forgive me, my angel.
Stop it.
This ends here, Paula.
You and me did not go rock climbing together in the Algarve.
We did not adopt a rescue cat and named him Roger Fishman.
And we most certainly did not make love on stage during a Michael Buble concert.
Are you dumping me? No.
Actually, yes.
Yes, I am dumping you.
Don't say that.
Paula, we've had a good run, but lately I don't know.
It's like we've been drifting apart.
No.
It's not you.
It Well, it is you, obviously.
But I'm an executive now.
I've moved on.
I have responsibilities.
Whereas you, you are mental.
Oh.
Oh, so you're too good for me now, is that it? We'll see about that.
Yep.
Don't listen to him, Roger.
He'll come back to us.
Another day, another dollar.
Yep.
You got a tough one ahead? Aren't they all? I hear you.
Dealing with the scum.
The idiots.
And the weak.
God.
I hate the weak.
I hate the weak, too.
Get out of here.
That was really lame.
Seriously, I'm not just saying that.
Really not that complicated, Karen.
Come on, wake up.
And, er, clear the way with less make-up.
It would suit you.
Knob.
Heard that.
Got the Q3 numbers for you, Tim.
Rubbish! Do 'em again.
Psst.
Psst.
Psst.
Oh! There's been a problem with the switcheroo.
What? Keep the faith, Tim.
I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
Could you come with me, please, Tim? Sure.
Space for one more? No.
This doesn't feel entirely good.
Lesley? Thank you.
Gentlemen, following the recent drug testing we conducted on the employees, I take no pleasure in reporting that Tim has failed the test.
What? No.
I'm afraid so.
There must be some mistake.
There is no mistake.
Tim has tested positive for Let's see.
Everything.
Everything? Everything.
My God, Tim.
I really think there's been some kind of mix up here.
I don't.
No? You can't cheat science, Tim.
That's why they call it science.
The only mistake we made was hiring you in the first place.
You are a degenerate, Tim.
And I loathe you.
Wow.
I think that's quite harsh in the circumstances.
I'm sorry, Tim, but there you have it.
As this is your first offence, no doubt of many, we are legally obliged to send you on a drug rehabilitation programme.
That's really not necessary.
That the literature.
OK.
Try not to inject it.
You said everything? Everything.
Are you packing? I got a Twix.
Marcus, can you help us? You've changed, Marcus.
Is it safe? What? Is it safe? What are you talking about? It just says here you like scuba-diving.
I was wondering, is it safe? Yeah.
It's fine as long as you have a qualified instructor.
Interesting.
Well, Carl, I'm afraid Robert said it was all your idea.
What was? "Carl thought it would be hilarious to put a poo in a jiffy bag and post it to Mr Harris.
" What? He said that? It's not too late to save yourself, Carl.
Rob would never do anything to hurt me.
Wake up, Carl.
Don't you see? He's left you to take the rap.
You're lying.
Tell me it was Robert.
No.
Tell me! No.
Tell me! OK, OK.
I can't take any more.
I'm sorry, Rob.
I'm so sorry.
I hope this isn't going to take long.
I've got the lockerooms to patrol.
How's it going? Busy.
12 counts of swearing, eight no permission slips, a few missing ties.
The usual.
So, if that's all? No.
No? Sit down, Marcus.
I think I'd prefer to stand.
This is difficult for me.
Spit it out, Philip.
I've had some complaints.
What sort of complaints? You've been abusing your power.
That's ridiculous.
Who said that? I bet it was Gillespie, that It was Mrs Godfrey, among others.
Godfrey.
What's her problem? You clamped her car three times.
She was parked in a disabled bay.
She has multiple sclerosis.
So she says.
This can't happen again.
OK.
I'll ease off.
A little.
No.
It's too late for that.
I'm sorry, Marcus.
What are you saying? I'm saying you're off patrol with immediate effect.
I'm gonna need your badge and your gum.
I cleaned this place up for you and this is the thanks I get.
Serves you right, Marcus.
You deserve it.
Well done! Alright? Hey! What are you doing here? You are kidding, right? I am.
Yeah.
How's it going, pal? What do you mean how's it going? You stitched me up and sent me to rehab.
Whoa.
Still annoyed about that, I can tell.
Unbelievable.
So are you here to get clean? Me? God, no.
This is a terrific place to pick up the ladies.
Really desperate women here.
Is that right? Oh, yeah.
Tuck in, sonny.
But, hey, Hands off the counsellor.
That sweet tushie is all me.
OK, can we make a start, please? Oh, my God.
I know, isn't she amazing? So, who'd like to go first? I think Tim had his hand up.
No, I didn't, actually.
Round of applause for Tim.
Yay, Tim! Woohoo! Shut up.
So, Tim, tell us about your addictions.
Yeah, erm, yeah the thing is, and this is pretty funny, I don't have any addictions.
Liar.
I understand your scepticism, but honestly, it's true.
There's been a misunderstanding.
If you're gonna beat this, Tim, we need to strip away the lies and rebuild you from scratch.
Right, sure.
Whatever that means.
Not cool, guys.
Seriously.
You enjoyed that way too much.
You are now standing in the circle of truth.
How does it feel? Cold.
I want you to relax and embrace the truth.
Tim, are you addicted to drugs? No.
Ow.
What was that for? This is the circle of truth, Tim.
Lies must be punished.
I'm not lying.
Let's try something a little easier.
Tim, do you enjoy number puzzles? Yes.
Good.
Have you ever strangled a swan? No.
OK, who's got a question for Tim? How safe is it now, Serpico? Come on, let's do him.
This doesn't concern you.
Move out the way, Justine.
That's not going to happen.
No, I deserve it.
Yes, you do.
Let's do her, too.
That's your choice, Daniel.
But I should warn you that if you try anything I will take you down.
I will take you down to Chinatown.
Well, let's not be hasty.
I'm late for pilates, actually.
Er, yeah, I'll walk with you.
Wait for us.
Thank you.
Are you done with all that vigilante stuff? Yes.
I could have taken then, you know.
I know.
All of them.
I'm agreeing with you.
I'm not saying this.
I'm not a drug addict.
And I'm definitely not saying that I love you.
You don't have to mean it.
No? Why didn't you say? No! Tim, if I fail you on this course, you will lose your job.
Is that what you want? Paula, there is absolutely no way I'm saying any of this stuff.
Let me rephrase that.
If you don't read this out, I might just have to tell Marcus about his mother and her sordid past.
I know all about her "issues".
The pills, the depression, how she reads the Daily Mail.
You wouldn't do that to him.
No? Didn't I mention? I took the liberty of inviting a few friends and family to help you through this difficult time.
Welcome, welcome.
Thank you all so much for coming today.
Tim is immensely grateful for all your support and has some important things he'd like to sat to you.
And Tim, have fun with it.
Wow.
Hey, Marcus.
How are you? How was school? Get on with it.
Right.
First, I would like to say that I may have a minor drug problem.
Quiet! He hasn't finished yet.
Go on.
Marcus, have you heard of benzodiazepine? No, I'm doing it.
"I have had" For some time now.
"For some time now have had feelings.
" I think that says loving feelings.
Yes.
"I have had loving feelings for someone.
" Like in the English Patient.
Yeah, just like in the English Patient.
I see.
And who do you these loving feelings for? You.
Tim, I asked him who do you have these feelings for? Yes, I know and I said it and they heard me.
They did not hear you.
Tell us clearly who you have these feelings for.
You.
Oh! Oh! Oh, no, no.
I didn't expect that.
Oh, gosh.
That is embarrassing.
I don't know what to say.
No, Caitlin.
That was for Roger.
Notice of the custody trial.
I'm sure the court will be fascinated by all of this.
Don't worry, bro.
We're gonna fight this thing together.
I do not have a drug problem.
This is Marcus, none of this was true.
You have to believe me.
Liar.
You'd better get yourself a good lawyer, Tim.
Have you got any gear I can score? No.
Hey, wait.
I think that turned out pretty well.
In what possible way? I got a date.
I just want to go back to work and forget this ever happened.
Yeah, about that.
I'm afraid you're no longer an executive.
Why? I can't have my executives on drugs.
That would be insane.
Of course it would.
We can still be best buds, yeah? Yeah, why not? Yeah.