Staged (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

I had a dream about you last night.
Oh, yeah?
That doesn't seem to worry you.
Not uncommon.
- What?
- Happens all the time.
- Not to me.
- No?
No, I can confidently say I have,
I've never dreamt about you before.
Never, ever?
No!
- Missing out.
- Why, do you dream about me?
Yeah, all the time.
So in this dream, erm,
I was I was in the theatre
- Of course you were, love.
- I was on the stage
- Of course you were!
- alone,
and the lights were shining on my face,
so I I couldn't see the auditorium,
I couldn't couldn't see
if there was anyone out there,
and suddenly this idea occurred to me.
Speak,
and the room will answer.
So I spoke, but the voice
that came out was different.
- Whose voice was it?
- What? No, it was still my voice.
It was It was just
that it had changed.
It was like I'd inhaled helium.
And did the room answer?
They brought the house lights up,
and the theatre was empty,
except for you.
You were watching, alone.
And what did I say?
Happy the man whose wish and care
a few paternal acres bound,
content to breathe his native air
in his own ground.
Did I write that?
No, it, no, it was in my dream.
So what does it mean, then?
That I'm pining for a bigger audience.
And what about the poem?
That I should be happy at home.
Are you not?
WHISPERS: I'm trying.
I feel fantastic.
That's great.
Yeah, I mean, the situation is horrific.
- Sure.
- Globally.
Yeah, no, I understand.
But the time, the time is a gift.
Such a such a great
way of looking at it.
- Have you read Ulysses?
- James Joyce?
- Yeah.
- No.
- Twice.
- You've read Ulysses twice?
Yep. About to go for a third.
That's amazing.
Oh, er, er, Lucy, this is,
er, this is Adrian Lester.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi. Hiya.
Er, Adrian, this is my sister, Lucy.
Lovely to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
- We were just discussing Ulysses.
- Have you read it, Lucy?
- Oh, God, yeah, twice.
- Oh, me too!
- Oh, it's sublime.
Yeah, I'm about to go for a third.
- Oof, magical!
- Hm.
How are you coping through this?
Just keeping an eye on this one, really.
Fantastic.
- Yeah, we're managing all right.
- Yeah. Oh, here's Michael.
- I'll leave you to it.
- OK. Lovely to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
- She's lovely.
- Oh, she is.
- Er, happy for me to bring in Michael?
- Yeah, yeah, course.
Oh, er, so they don't know you're here.
Erm, I mean, they'll know
who you are, obviously,
but I think I will just introduce
you as a new cast member,
and then you can
talk me up a bit?
Er, is there actually a part for me?
Sure.
Because the next roles seem to be, erm,
the mother and stepdaughter.
Er, here's Michael.
VIDEO CALL NOTIFICATION
- Michael?
- Can't find my fucking script!
Has it been going well?
Really well. Yeah, seamless.
Where the fuck is it?
It's an unusual set
of circumstances, obviously.
Fuck! I just
I can't find it anywhere.
You'll just have to feed me the
lines and I'll try and keep up.
- Hi, Michael.
- Michael, do you know Adrian?
Adrian?
Adrian. Hi.
Adrian!
Oh, my God, of course! I'm so sorry.
No, not a problem.
I just thought I thought
he could join the cast.
Lovely!
- How are you?
- Good. Great.
Fine.
- You?
- Oh, I'm fantastic.
- Oh, well, that's great.
- Adrian's been reading Ulysses.
- Er, twice.
- Well, it's a tough book.
VIDEO CALL NOTIFICATION
- Here's David, too.
- Oh, bring him in.
Simon says it's been going well.
Oh.
Well, David's a wonderful collaborator.
My script has completely vanished.
Very focused.
I mean, if it was anything of any value,
I'd just assumed the kids had
taken it, but it's just a shit play.
Yeah, David, do you know Adrian Lester?
Oh, Jesus. Adrian Lester? Fucking hell.
Yeah, no, he's He's here.
He's here now, on the call,
with Simon, right now.
Oh, there he is!
- Ha, hello, David.
- Hey, Adrian! How are you doing?
Erm, I'm fantastic.
- I thought Adrian could join our cast.
- Great.
He and I've worked
together before, so
Brilliant.
I just thought we could
flesh this cast out a little bit.
Absolutely.
Er, have you, have read Ulysses, David?
- No, never.
- No? Adrian's read it twice.
Well, I imagine it's
quite hard to understand
the first time through, isn't it?
Simon, would you just email me
the script again, please?
Er, er, yeah, I'd have to use
the other computer.
That'd be great, thanks.
- I'll be right back.
- OK.
Oh, I'm really excited
to be working with you both.
Simon's great, isn't he? He's
Michael's feeling a bit
blue about the project.
Er, I mean, I'd say David
was struggling more.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, he's trying to write something.
- Yeah, nearly finished, actually.
- Yeah, but it's been very tough.
Oh, yeah, the creative process
can be very tricky.
And Georgia is better
at it than he is, so
Ah
You should speak to Simon about it,
because
- Michael's neighbour's gone missing.
- Missing?
Under suspicious circumstances.
I Well, I haven't killed her
or anything.
I mean, she's just not
answering the door.
But that that must be frightening.
Georgia's birthing a child.
- Whoa, you're having another one?
- With another woman.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's that's modern.
She's helping a friend.
So, how are rehearsals going?
Well, I mean, Michael's finding it
quite hard to focus.
He's started having dark,
upsetting dreams, really deep,
- weird, sort of disturbing dreams.
- Wow, really? Me too.
Really?
Yeah, yeah. Most nights.
Am I in your dreams?
No.
David keeps popping up
in the collective subconscious,
uninvited, like a sort of
Highland whack-a-mole.
You've just got to
You know, I was in the theatre in mine.
Me too!
- What, on stage?
- Yes! Did we have the same dream?
- Well, could you speak in yours?
- No, no.
I just had a sort of weird,
high-pitched sound.
Yes! Yes!
So, in mine, I was lying on the stage,
and I was I was trying
to scream, you know,
get a sound out, and I couldn't,
so I started twisting and turning
and trying to scream,
and then, and then these ropes
came out of nowhere,
and they were covered in oil, I think,
and they were wrapping around me,
wrapped around me really tight,
and I couldn't move, and the audience,
they started shouting,
"Throw him to the bears!"
- That's vivid.
- Yeah. Maybe it was honey.
Maybe it was honey. Not oil,
on the ropes, honey, for the bears.
And what did you do?
Fought them,
with my hands and my teeth, just
Yeah, sure,
but I meant more in real life.
Oh, well, I spoke to my, er,
I spoke to my life coach about it.
Great. What did he say?
Well, he told me that it was connected
to a repressed feeling of
of powerlessness.
- What did he suggest?
- He told me to just ignore it.
Yeah, just just breathe it in,
breathe it out.
- Did it work?
- Yeah, yeah, it did, actually.
It did, yeah.
So now, whenever I feel,
you know, sad, or angry, or powerless,
I just, er, just ignore it.
How?
Just
HE EXHALES SHARPLY
ignore it.
Or or sometimes
I go for a little run.
When you're down?
- Yeah, that's right.
- How far do you run?
About 20 miles a day.
Wow. That's a lot.
It just gives me time to be alone,
you know, with my thoughts.
Well, it's nice to have company.
- What are you doing?
- Shh.
I'm emailing a script to David.
You're snooping!
I'm not snooping.
Did you bring Adrian in
just to talk you up?
No. There were other things.
- What's he saying?
- I can't hear if you keep talking.
He likes you, doesn't he?
Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh
HE WHISPERS: What do you think
he's saying about me?
and I'm eating well,
as well, you know,
spending more time with my family,
reconnecting with my roots.
Yeah, I thought I could detect
a little bit of
hum of an accent in there.
Oh, what, can you
can you actually hear it?
- Yeah!
- Very, very subtle.
Yeah. It's not a conscious thing.
No, of course not, no.
Have either of you two read
The Inner Voice?
- No.
- Twice.
It's about the artifice of acting.
- Great.
- It's about the artifice of acting,
and the freedom which comes
from throwing off the mask
of an RP accent,
and embracing a true inner voice.
- That sounds fucking brilliant.
- Mm, isn't it?
Cos Shakespeare, right,
was from Birmingham.
Was he? I mean,
a bit down the road, but
IN BRUMMIE ACCENT: We are
such stuff as dreams are made on
and our little life
is rounded with a sleep.
And that's Shakespeare.
Have either of you two
thought about, you know,
leaning into your own true voice?
I didn't think I wasn't.
- Oh, well, Mike, if I may
- Oh, you may, yeah.
you speak,
and the sound that emerges, it's
Oh, it's
it's unfiltered, you know? Raw.
Like, like
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
Watch.
IN BRUMMIE ACCENT: This above all,
to thine own self be true.
Huh? Could you could you feel that?
Have a go. Go on, have a go.
- Dave.
- Thanks.
Erm
NORMAL VOICE: To thine own self be true.
That's great,
but,
a little less RP.
- I wasn't doing RP!
- Just a little less RP, Dave.
- I'm from Paisley!
- Trust me, trust me. Go on.
Trust him.
STRONG SCOTTISH ACCENT:
To thine own self be t-rue.
Yes! Michael?
STRONG WELSH ACCENT:
To thine own self be true.
Yes, Dave.
STRONG SCOTTISH ACCENT:
To thine own self be true!
More.
STRONG WELSH ACCENT:
To thy own self be true!
- ALL: To thine own self be true!
- Ya bampot!
To thine own self be true!
Huh! Oh, right
IN SEAN CONNERY ACCENT:
To thine own shelf be true.
Is
- is he all right?
- Yeah, he's fine.
You know, with the hair and the beard,
- he just looks a bit
- What?
- Wild.
- Nah, he's fine.
OK.
And what about you?
Are you all right?
I mean, you could talk to Simon
about these things, cos he's
The thing about Michael is
he feels helpless,
and it's sobering, cos, you know,
you reach the top of the tree,
and then the world changes
all around you,
and you find you can't help any more.
You're just
you're sat at home, spelling words
backwards in your head.
- What, is he doing that?
- All the time, yeah.
You just stop feeling useful, don't you?
You know, the theatres close,
the audiences go away. The roles dry up.
You've got nothing to offer.
You're just sat looking out a window
and twiddling your thumbs, hoping
it's all going to be all right.
HE EXHALES
- I'm going to go for a run.
- Sure.
- Found the script.
- Where was it?
I threw it in the bin last night.
- The bin!
- Where's Adrian?
Gone for a run.
- Where's Adrian?
- Gone for a run.
Hi.
The Magic Tree by
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hello.
- How did it go?
- Fine, yeah.
- She had a girl.
- Nice.
Helen.
- Very nice.
- Mm.
- You all right?
- Yeah, fine.
The, um, the house
appears to still be standing.
- I'm sensing your surprise.
- Well, I'm not trying to hide it.
- Well, that takes some of the fun away.
- Mm.
I did listen outside the kids' doors.
- Online lessons?
- That's right.
Did you try and teach them
at all yourself?
- I did. Yeah.
- Yeah. And how did that go?
I realised that I am
alarmingly ill-informed
on every subject under the sun.
Yeah, well, that is true.
Wish I didn't feel so helpless.
Is the writing not going very well?
- Actually, I've finished the screenplay.
- Ooh.
- So, yeah.
- Can I read it?
No, you can't.
- Why not?
- Because it might be shit.
Well, I'm sure I could help.
It's already in your inbox,
I sent it an hour ago.
Oh, exciting.
- Oh, Behind Windows.
- Do you like it?
- Bit wanky.
- Oh, come on. You can't say that.
Oh, I can.
- You don't even know what's in it yet.
- What's in it, then?
You know, lots of things.
Well, it sounds excellent.
- Oh, fuck off back to the hospital.
- Oh, OK, maybe I will.
- But read my screenplay first.
- Yeah, sure. I will
but I'm going to phone Anna first.
OK? And also take that.
Oh, lovely. Well, I'm glad
you've got your priorities right.
OK.
- See you later.
- See you.
- Hi.
- Sorry, I'm just going to minimise you
- while I'll look something up, OK?
- OK.
- You all right?
- Yeah, just one minute.
- Hi, Michael.
- Jesus Christ!
- Um, Georgia.
- Hi.
Sorry, I didn't know
you were in there, you know.
- You all right?
- Yeah. Just a sec.
I was just calling to say that
I've just got back from the hospital.
- Oh, how did it go?
- Yeah. Really well, she, um
She had a girl. Called her Helen.
It's weird in hospitals
at the moment because, you know.
But they gave me gloves and masks
and stuff, so it was
- Should I call back later?
- No. Sorry.
An ambulance just turned up at
our neighbour's an hour or so ago.
God.
Yeah. I mean, we didn't
see what was happening,
but Michael tried to go out and ask
and the paramedics just
told him to go back inside.
- Did you see her?
- No, but
we saw a stretcher being carried in.
- OK, I'll get David.
- Yep.
Yeah, yeah. Still here. Yeah. Thank you.
Um, er, I don't know.
She's about five foot two.
Um, grey hair, glasses.
I'd say she's in her late-70s,
early-80s maybe.
No. Sorry. I don't know her surname.
Her first name is Hannah,
H-A-N-NAH.
My name? Er, Michael Sheen.
No, Michael. S-H-E-E-N.
Yeah. Well, we all love Neil Gaiman.
I know but could you
please just ask and see
if you can find out? Let us know.
I mean, someone must have ordered
the ambulance, so we just want
to know where she is
and what's happening.
Yes. Yes, I'll hold.
- Sorry.
- Do you know where they've taken her?
No, we don't know
but Michael's trying to find out.
- Oh, this is like a bad dream.
- No. It will be fine.
It will be fine.
Hello. Yes.
No, sorry, I explained.
I don't know her surname.
Her first name's Hannah.
She's
old, and on her own.
Family's in Cardiff.
No, I don't know where. Um
She runs an illegal neighbourhood
watch from the CCTV camera
mounted on her garage.
She likes interracial soft-core
pornographic literature.
She's an angry, shitty,
blackmailing little
Well, she makes a very bad
bara brith and she's kind.
HE EXHALES
Sorry.
Yeah. Yeah. OK.
Thank you.
Yeah, I know this isn't the best time.
I just feel like the last time
we talked about it
We were playing Battleships that time.
we did decide that, um,
I'd have my name
first on the poster,
Tennant, and then Sheen.
I think that's what we said
that we would have, um, sorry.
I know this isn't great timing,
but I've just been sent a draft
of the poster. You'll have
I've sent it to you too.
I mean, you won't have had time
to look, probably, but
um, the They want to announce.
So they need approval on the
er, thing. I
Unfortunately, on the one
they've mocked up,
your name is actually first.
So, um, sorry.
This is really bad timing,
but they need changes
by the end of play today.
So, do you mind if I just go back
some tell him just to swap
those names round? Just on the
So they're the right way round
on the poster.
Um I'm happy to do
that on both our behalves
quickly, if that's OK. Or we could
leave it as it is, just
Let's just leave it.
PHONE RINGS
We'll just leave it. We'll leave it.
Don't worry about it.