Stan Against Evil (2016) s01e05 Episode Script
Ouija Board
1 [Flower gurgling.]
[Flower growls.]
[Flower chokes.]
Galasum benedictus morium.
[Flower screeches.]
[Flower splats.]
[Footsteps approaching.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
We've had enough of your interfering.
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it? [Screeches.]
Aah! Aah! Galasum, benedictus Galasum [Heart beating.]
Galas [Groans.]
M-My heart.
[Body thuds.]
[Laughing manically.]
[Telephone rings.]
What the hell time is it? Leon: Sheriff Miller? It's your wife, sir.
She's dead.
Leon, you idiot, my wife is right h Claire? [Engine shuts off.]
[Grunts.]
What? [Flower exhales.]
[Gags.]
[Coughs.]
Man: Early temperatures dipping down into the 40s tonight.
We'll be right back on All Sports, W [Radio shuts off.]
[Yawns exaggeratedly.]
- Sorry.
- [Chuckles.]
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
Really? Me neither.
I might be able to sneak back into the evidence locker and scrounge up some of the [sniffs.]
"white lady.
" What's that? Nothing.
It'd be very hard to prove that I ever tried any of that cocaine in there.
Hey, uh what is that, uh that awful thing growing in front of the station? Oh, you mean the butthole with teeth.
Yeah, I think I saw it eat a bird earlier.
- That's not the only one.
- What do you mean? Well, there's one at the school, the church, the town hall, and the old courthouse.
They tried digging one up, but the thing's got roots of steel.
Ours is the only one in bloom.
Smells like that pillow we found in solitary, the one with the clown drawn on it.
I think I know where we can get some answers.
Should we get a new map now? That's kind of a weird thing to have hanging in a sheriff's station.
[Yawns exaggeratedly.]
[Tab pops.]
[Sugar bags crinkle, rip.]
Man: By 1939, Nazi Germany invades Poland, and the dogs of war are loosed.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- After denouncing the Lucknow Pact Get that, will ya, Denise? I can't get up.
[Yawns.]
What, did I stutter? Let's go, hippity hop to the barber shop.
[Sighs.]
Watch out.
He's real cranky.
Neither of us got any sleep last night.
- Yeah.
- Really? You guys too, huh? I don't like this.
I need to go look in Claire's library.
Oh, sure.
Act like you own the joint.
[Gulping.]
Huh.
God's sake.
Yeah, no, the Okay, the bloom of the black flowers, yeah.
The black flowers bloom twice each year.
There's five of them.
Oh, sounds like you got that covered.
Now, there's a documentary on World War II, - and I don't want to miss it.
- Stan, listen, this is important.
No, you listen to me This is important, and I I had exactly one rule with Claire.
And that was don't bother me during documentaries about World War II.
And Claire had one rule with me no breakfast foods for dinner.
I don't know what it was with her, but God damn, if you cracked an egg after noon, that woman would come at you all eyes and teeth like a like a like a like a wolverine in spandex.
All right, listen "When the first flowers bloom, "no sleep shall find you," right? That's happened to all of us.
The second "A living soul" shall enter the land of the dead.
" The third "A loyal friend will turn against you.
" - Fourth - From the halls of Montezuma - Fourth - To the Fourth "The dead begin their journey back.
" And fifth "The blood of the living" will be spilled in the Land Of The Dead.
" Now, listen to this, this is really important.
"Only if the same blood" is spilled in the land of the living shall this be reversed, otherwise the portal will open and the Land Of The Dead shall corrupt the Land Of The Living "until times end.
" Now, that's settled.
No, it's not settled! Evil flowers, dude.
Ugh.
Wish I could talk to Claire.
What if we held a séance? Yes! Let's do it, Dad.
- No.
- Oh, yes.
I want to talk to the Munchkins from the "Wizard of Oz.
" They're all dead now.
Leave your mother alone.
The woman never had a minute's peace in her entire life, and we're damn sure not gonna go bug her in the grave now.
All right, um, everyone.
[Groans.]
Hey, we're gonna close our eyes, right? And And you'll love this, we're gonna hold hands.
- Oh! - Stan, just do it.
[Clears throat.]
Okay.
Ah-nasta-ma, nostu-nocturne.
Ah-nasta-ma, nostu-nocturne.
Ah-nasta-ma, nostu-nocturne.
Ah-nasta-ma [echoing.]
nostu-nocturne.
You there, Mom? [Gasps.]
Uh, what happened? I was holding his hand, and then and then he was gone.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Stan? - Dad? - This isn't funny.
Dad? Claire: Did you fall asleep at the table again? Claire? Yes? Is this a dream, or is that other stuff a dream? Or are they both dreams and I'm still at the police academy? That would suck.
You're gonna miss your show, hon.
"The World At War" is on.
You love it when the Italians hang Mussolini.
Oh, you know I do.
Claire.
[Wind whistling.]
Oh, Claire.
[TV turns on.]
- Man: So dated German - Oh, thanks, hon.
And I got to tell you, I, uh I had the weirdest dream.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
Just enjoy your show.
Okay.
Dad? Nothing.
He's nowhere.
[Sighs.]
Maybe he climbed out the window.
He did that once one Thanksgiving.
We all closed our eyes to say grace, and when we looked up, he was at a bar.
No.
Wait a minute.
The second flower must have bloomed, right? Uh, an unsuspecting soul will enter the Land Of The Dead.
- Well, how do we get him back? - I'm not sure.
[Gasps.]
The Munchkins would know.
No.
Okay, wait a minute.
Um, if I can't talk to Claire, maybe Claire could talk to me, right? Munchkins should be, like, a-a second option.
We're not contacting the Munchkins! Come on, come on, come on.
[Sighs.]
"Piercing the Veil & The Secrets of Inter-dimensional Communication.
" Wait.
Man: in Nazi Germany, which would trigger the outbreak of World War II.
Meanwhile, the Japanese, under the command of General Okay, uh, I think I know where your dad is.
Now we just have to figure out some way to communicate with him.
On April 24th, the SDP issued - What are you watching? - "World At War.
" It's one of my dad's favorite TV shows.
[Scoffs.]
Of course it - It is? - Uh-huh.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Nazi Germany.
With Czechoslovakia tucked firmly into his creel, Hitler set his sights on Poland.
[Hitler speaking German.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Stan! Stan, it's not Hitler.
It's me Evie.
Listen to me, Stan.
You're not in the real world.
Okay.
That woman isn't Claire.
Her name is Ida Putnam.
She was burnt at the stake for being a witch, and she's going to kill you when the fifth flower blooms, Stan.
Unless you kill her first.
To be clear, I'm supposed to kill my wife because Hitler told me to do it on TV.
Yeah.
It's a leap.
Ha.
But she's not your wife, Stan.
She's not Claire! You can prove it! Her husband accused her of being a witch so he could marry her sister.
She was burnt at the stake in 1693 just like the others.
- Nein! Don't - [TV turns off.]
Can I get you another beer? Sweetheart how many of these have I had? I wish I felt better about how that went.
He does like that show, though.
[Clock chimes.]
The third flower's gonna bloom.
"A loyal friend shall turn against you.
" [Insects chirping.]
Come on, girl.
Go on, pretty girl.
Pepper? Pepper? [Flower exhales.]
Pepper? There you are.
Come on out here, girl.
- Come on.
- [Pepper growls.]
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! No, Pepper! [Screaming.]
Stop! [Screaming.]
Oh! Why would I smell that? I know it's terrible.
[Coughs.]
I talked to the little old lady next door.
- What did - She's in a wheelchair, pretty much blind.
But I've a sneaking suspicion she's our killer.
Yeah? I found this.
You think it might be evidence? Let me see that.
[Sighs.]
"The most loyal of friends.
" Good God.
And, of course, two more flowers to go.
Very funny.
What are you talking about? Two more flowers.
Oh.
Give that a whiff.
[Sniffs.]
Yeah, that's ripe! Hey, Claire, honey.
Yes, dear.
Where has that Denise been? She's staying at a friend's house.
Are you sure? 'Cause sometimes she's says she's at her friends, and then, sure shootin', I find her in her sleeping bag out behind the garage spooning one of the garden gnomes.
I'm sure she's fine.
Well Man: On April 24th, the SDP [Remote control clicking.]
How is this always the only thing on? Eh.
Well, we'll check off the fourth flower.
"And the dead shall begin their journey back.
" I don't even want to know.
Hi, Kevin.
Oh, hi.
Hi, Denise.
Uh, hey.
How have things been around here lately? Like, you know, pretty quiet or It's a cemetery.
Thanks.
Hey, Denise, I still got that squirrel skeleton in the shed if you ever want to see it.
You know I do.
Ah, geez.
So Huh.
[Flower gurgling.]
People clean this stuff up.
[Flower exhales.]
Oh, man.
Hey, uh Mr.
Collins? Can we talk this over? [Sizzling.]
Hey.
Yes? What, uh What's for din Just eggs tonight.
I still haven't made it to the store.
First thing tomorrow, I promise.
Breakfast for dinner, huh? Breakfast for dinner.
Sounds fun.
I'm gonna go ahead and pass on dinner tonight, if that's okay with you Ida.
Ida? Stan, it's me Claire.
Are you feeling all right? If you'd just made your husband one decent meal, he probably wouldn't have dumped you for your sister.
[Growls.]
[Flower gurgling.]
Stan sheds blood in the Land Of The Dead.
How am I supposed to shed it in the Land Of The Living at the same time? It's [Sighs.]
His blood, his blood.
Shed his blood.
Well, his fa his family is his blood.
His f His family is his Denise! Denise! Oh! Denise, I've got it.
Stay right there.
Okay, don't move.
- Okay, can we talk about this? - No.
Oh.
[Sighs.]
Claire, honey? I think I passed out on the kitchen table again.
[Laughs evilly.]
Oh, shit.
Hitler told me this was gonna happen.
I can't even imagine what your husband saw in any other woman.
[Laughing.]
I'm sorry.
I know I shouldn't be laughing.
I'm just so tired! [Laughs evilly.]
Evie, I know we don't see eye to eye on everything, you know, but And the blood of the living shall be shed in the Land Of The Dead.
No! Aah! [Grunts.]
Oh, no! [Sighs.]
What the hell are you two staring at? It worked.
Okay, I-I can explain.
[Flower screeches, gurgles.]
And then she stabbed me.
I I mean, I cut you.
I did not stab you.
It's the same thing.
Two days of shit food and Hitler.
- [Tab clatters.]
- Daddy needs his medicine.
Hmm.
Man: would then be able to align itself with Nazi Germany.
With Czechoslovakia tucked firmly into his creel, Hitler set his sights on Poland, which would trigger the outbreak of World War II.
Oh, be quiet.
[TV turns off.]
[Sighs.]
[Pepper growls.]
[Flower growls.]
[Flower chokes.]
Galasum benedictus morium.
[Flower screeches.]
[Flower splats.]
[Footsteps approaching.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
We've had enough of your interfering.
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it? [Screeches.]
Aah! Aah! Galasum, benedictus Galasum [Heart beating.]
Galas [Groans.]
M-My heart.
[Body thuds.]
[Laughing manically.]
[Telephone rings.]
What the hell time is it? Leon: Sheriff Miller? It's your wife, sir.
She's dead.
Leon, you idiot, my wife is right h Claire? [Engine shuts off.]
[Grunts.]
What? [Flower exhales.]
[Gags.]
[Coughs.]
Man: Early temperatures dipping down into the 40s tonight.
We'll be right back on All Sports, W [Radio shuts off.]
[Yawns exaggeratedly.]
- Sorry.
- [Chuckles.]
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
Really? Me neither.
I might be able to sneak back into the evidence locker and scrounge up some of the [sniffs.]
"white lady.
" What's that? Nothing.
It'd be very hard to prove that I ever tried any of that cocaine in there.
Hey, uh what is that, uh that awful thing growing in front of the station? Oh, you mean the butthole with teeth.
Yeah, I think I saw it eat a bird earlier.
- That's not the only one.
- What do you mean? Well, there's one at the school, the church, the town hall, and the old courthouse.
They tried digging one up, but the thing's got roots of steel.
Ours is the only one in bloom.
Smells like that pillow we found in solitary, the one with the clown drawn on it.
I think I know where we can get some answers.
Should we get a new map now? That's kind of a weird thing to have hanging in a sheriff's station.
[Yawns exaggeratedly.]
[Tab pops.]
[Sugar bags crinkle, rip.]
Man: By 1939, Nazi Germany invades Poland, and the dogs of war are loosed.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- After denouncing the Lucknow Pact Get that, will ya, Denise? I can't get up.
[Yawns.]
What, did I stutter? Let's go, hippity hop to the barber shop.
[Sighs.]
Watch out.
He's real cranky.
Neither of us got any sleep last night.
- Yeah.
- Really? You guys too, huh? I don't like this.
I need to go look in Claire's library.
Oh, sure.
Act like you own the joint.
[Gulping.]
Huh.
God's sake.
Yeah, no, the Okay, the bloom of the black flowers, yeah.
The black flowers bloom twice each year.
There's five of them.
Oh, sounds like you got that covered.
Now, there's a documentary on World War II, - and I don't want to miss it.
- Stan, listen, this is important.
No, you listen to me This is important, and I I had exactly one rule with Claire.
And that was don't bother me during documentaries about World War II.
And Claire had one rule with me no breakfast foods for dinner.
I don't know what it was with her, but God damn, if you cracked an egg after noon, that woman would come at you all eyes and teeth like a like a like a like a wolverine in spandex.
All right, listen "When the first flowers bloom, "no sleep shall find you," right? That's happened to all of us.
The second "A living soul" shall enter the land of the dead.
" The third "A loyal friend will turn against you.
" - Fourth - From the halls of Montezuma - Fourth - To the Fourth "The dead begin their journey back.
" And fifth "The blood of the living" will be spilled in the Land Of The Dead.
" Now, listen to this, this is really important.
"Only if the same blood" is spilled in the land of the living shall this be reversed, otherwise the portal will open and the Land Of The Dead shall corrupt the Land Of The Living "until times end.
" Now, that's settled.
No, it's not settled! Evil flowers, dude.
Ugh.
Wish I could talk to Claire.
What if we held a séance? Yes! Let's do it, Dad.
- No.
- Oh, yes.
I want to talk to the Munchkins from the "Wizard of Oz.
" They're all dead now.
Leave your mother alone.
The woman never had a minute's peace in her entire life, and we're damn sure not gonna go bug her in the grave now.
All right, um, everyone.
[Groans.]
Hey, we're gonna close our eyes, right? And And you'll love this, we're gonna hold hands.
- Oh! - Stan, just do it.
[Clears throat.]
Okay.
Ah-nasta-ma, nostu-nocturne.
Ah-nasta-ma, nostu-nocturne.
Ah-nasta-ma, nostu-nocturne.
Ah-nasta-ma [echoing.]
nostu-nocturne.
You there, Mom? [Gasps.]
Uh, what happened? I was holding his hand, and then and then he was gone.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Stan? - Dad? - This isn't funny.
Dad? Claire: Did you fall asleep at the table again? Claire? Yes? Is this a dream, or is that other stuff a dream? Or are they both dreams and I'm still at the police academy? That would suck.
You're gonna miss your show, hon.
"The World At War" is on.
You love it when the Italians hang Mussolini.
Oh, you know I do.
Claire.
[Wind whistling.]
Oh, Claire.
[TV turns on.]
- Man: So dated German - Oh, thanks, hon.
And I got to tell you, I, uh I had the weirdest dream.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
Just enjoy your show.
Okay.
Dad? Nothing.
He's nowhere.
[Sighs.]
Maybe he climbed out the window.
He did that once one Thanksgiving.
We all closed our eyes to say grace, and when we looked up, he was at a bar.
No.
Wait a minute.
The second flower must have bloomed, right? Uh, an unsuspecting soul will enter the Land Of The Dead.
- Well, how do we get him back? - I'm not sure.
[Gasps.]
The Munchkins would know.
No.
Okay, wait a minute.
Um, if I can't talk to Claire, maybe Claire could talk to me, right? Munchkins should be, like, a-a second option.
We're not contacting the Munchkins! Come on, come on, come on.
[Sighs.]
"Piercing the Veil & The Secrets of Inter-dimensional Communication.
" Wait.
Man: in Nazi Germany, which would trigger the outbreak of World War II.
Meanwhile, the Japanese, under the command of General Okay, uh, I think I know where your dad is.
Now we just have to figure out some way to communicate with him.
On April 24th, the SDP issued - What are you watching? - "World At War.
" It's one of my dad's favorite TV shows.
[Scoffs.]
Of course it - It is? - Uh-huh.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Nazi Germany.
With Czechoslovakia tucked firmly into his creel, Hitler set his sights on Poland.
[Hitler speaking German.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Stan! Stan, it's not Hitler.
It's me Evie.
Listen to me, Stan.
You're not in the real world.
Okay.
That woman isn't Claire.
Her name is Ida Putnam.
She was burnt at the stake for being a witch, and she's going to kill you when the fifth flower blooms, Stan.
Unless you kill her first.
To be clear, I'm supposed to kill my wife because Hitler told me to do it on TV.
Yeah.
It's a leap.
Ha.
But she's not your wife, Stan.
She's not Claire! You can prove it! Her husband accused her of being a witch so he could marry her sister.
She was burnt at the stake in 1693 just like the others.
- Nein! Don't - [TV turns off.]
Can I get you another beer? Sweetheart how many of these have I had? I wish I felt better about how that went.
He does like that show, though.
[Clock chimes.]
The third flower's gonna bloom.
"A loyal friend shall turn against you.
" [Insects chirping.]
Come on, girl.
Go on, pretty girl.
Pepper? Pepper? [Flower exhales.]
Pepper? There you are.
Come on out here, girl.
- Come on.
- [Pepper growls.]
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! No, Pepper! [Screaming.]
Stop! [Screaming.]
Oh! Why would I smell that? I know it's terrible.
[Coughs.]
I talked to the little old lady next door.
- What did - She's in a wheelchair, pretty much blind.
But I've a sneaking suspicion she's our killer.
Yeah? I found this.
You think it might be evidence? Let me see that.
[Sighs.]
"The most loyal of friends.
" Good God.
And, of course, two more flowers to go.
Very funny.
What are you talking about? Two more flowers.
Oh.
Give that a whiff.
[Sniffs.]
Yeah, that's ripe! Hey, Claire, honey.
Yes, dear.
Where has that Denise been? She's staying at a friend's house.
Are you sure? 'Cause sometimes she's says she's at her friends, and then, sure shootin', I find her in her sleeping bag out behind the garage spooning one of the garden gnomes.
I'm sure she's fine.
Well Man: On April 24th, the SDP [Remote control clicking.]
How is this always the only thing on? Eh.
Well, we'll check off the fourth flower.
"And the dead shall begin their journey back.
" I don't even want to know.
Hi, Kevin.
Oh, hi.
Hi, Denise.
Uh, hey.
How have things been around here lately? Like, you know, pretty quiet or It's a cemetery.
Thanks.
Hey, Denise, I still got that squirrel skeleton in the shed if you ever want to see it.
You know I do.
Ah, geez.
So Huh.
[Flower gurgling.]
People clean this stuff up.
[Flower exhales.]
Oh, man.
Hey, uh Mr.
Collins? Can we talk this over? [Sizzling.]
Hey.
Yes? What, uh What's for din Just eggs tonight.
I still haven't made it to the store.
First thing tomorrow, I promise.
Breakfast for dinner, huh? Breakfast for dinner.
Sounds fun.
I'm gonna go ahead and pass on dinner tonight, if that's okay with you Ida.
Ida? Stan, it's me Claire.
Are you feeling all right? If you'd just made your husband one decent meal, he probably wouldn't have dumped you for your sister.
[Growls.]
[Flower gurgling.]
Stan sheds blood in the Land Of The Dead.
How am I supposed to shed it in the Land Of The Living at the same time? It's [Sighs.]
His blood, his blood.
Shed his blood.
Well, his fa his family is his blood.
His f His family is his Denise! Denise! Oh! Denise, I've got it.
Stay right there.
Okay, don't move.
- Okay, can we talk about this? - No.
Oh.
[Sighs.]
Claire, honey? I think I passed out on the kitchen table again.
[Laughs evilly.]
Oh, shit.
Hitler told me this was gonna happen.
I can't even imagine what your husband saw in any other woman.
[Laughing.]
I'm sorry.
I know I shouldn't be laughing.
I'm just so tired! [Laughs evilly.]
Evie, I know we don't see eye to eye on everything, you know, but And the blood of the living shall be shed in the Land Of The Dead.
No! Aah! [Grunts.]
Oh, no! [Sighs.]
What the hell are you two staring at? It worked.
Okay, I-I can explain.
[Flower screeches, gurgles.]
And then she stabbed me.
I I mean, I cut you.
I did not stab you.
It's the same thing.
Two days of shit food and Hitler.
- [Tab clatters.]
- Daddy needs his medicine.
Hmm.
Man: would then be able to align itself with Nazi Germany.
With Czechoslovakia tucked firmly into his creel, Hitler set his sights on Poland, which would trigger the outbreak of World War II.
Oh, be quiet.
[TV turns off.]
[Sighs.]
[Pepper growls.]