Star Wars, Droid Tales (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

(NARRATOR READING) (MACHINE RATCHETING) (DINGS) Roger, roger.
C-3PO: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
General, I am grateful you put me at the end of the disassembly line, but you're making a terrible mistake! I already was a battle droid once, and it was simply ridiculous! Ask anyone! Perhaps you'd like to go in the machine now.
I'll wait my turn, thank you.
Stay here and watch them until I get back.
Yes.
Stay here and watch them unless you get back.
No, until I get back.
Until you or anybody else No.
Just me! Watch them! Stay here! (R2-D2 BEEPING) What's that, Artoo? An escape plan? (BEEPING) You want me to distract our captors by blabbing on like I always do? - It is the role I was created to play.
- (BEEPING) You masked tormentors had better not mess with us.
We may look just like ordinary droids, but I'll have you know, Artoo and I blew up the second Death Star.
You? We blew it up! Which you could not have done had we not disabled the shield generator! (YELPS) Pipe down! Nobody cares who did what.
Oh, very well then.
It appears that you don't want to hear the real story.
Wait, there's a real story? Tell us! - It's really rather boring.
- No, tell us, tell us! Well, if you insist.
Gather 'round, now, face me.
Don't look at Artoo.
Here is the stirring tale of how the Jedi returned.
The Rebellion was in tatters.
The Empire was building a new and improved Death Star.
And Han Solo had been frozen in carbonite and hung on the wall in Jabba the Hutt's palace.
But we had a plan to rescue him.
Han, are you in there? It's Leia.
We've come to get you out.
(MUFFLED SCREAMS) Sorry! (SIGHS) I'm free! But I can't see.
Your eyesight will return in time.
Oh, Leia, thank you! Hey, you're droolier than I remember.
(SCREAMING) But you still have that sassy attitude I love.
Halt! Release them at once! Jabba, I'm gonna ask you nicely to release my friends.
Do as I say, or be destroyed.
(ALL LAUGHING) Chewie, I can't see.
Are they laughing at Luke, or with him? They were definitely laughing at you.
(SCREECHES) (LAUGHS) (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) Jabba says to toss you into the Sarlacc pit.
Yeah, we figured that out, thanks! Han, there's nothing to worry about.
We've got friends all around.
(BEEPS) They all came together? Well, it pays to carpool.
Artoo, now! - Uh-oh.
- (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) - (SCREAMS) - (LAUGHS) (YELLS) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) (GROANS) (ALL SCREAMING) This is nothing.
Now to plan my escape! I'm too handsome to die! (HAN GRUNTS) Hang on, buddy.
I got ya! And we've got you.
Thanks, but who are you? (SIGHS) The story of my life.
(BOTH SCREAMING) (MUFFLED SCREAMING) (GASPS) We have to help Luke! (BEEPING) Good work, Artoo.
(GRUNTING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) No giant monster mouth can hold the great Boba Fett.
Just another minor setback! See you at the rendezvous point, Luke.
I have to visit Yoda first, but I'll be there.
How are you feeling? Great! My eyesight is back to 100%! LUKE: Whoa! Okay, more like 30%.
(R2-D2 BEEPING) LUKE: Yoda, there's something I must know.
Is Darth Vader my father? Your father? Who told you that? - Darth Vader.
- (SIGHS) Spilled the beans he did.
Yes.
Your father he is.
And confront him now you must, or all we have fought for will be for nothing.
No pressure.
I don't know if I can do it.
Not alone you will be.
You have a sister.
A sister? It's Leia! Yes.
Wise in the Force are you.
No, she's the only girl I've ever met.
Not many women in our adventures, are there? Fix that next time we must.
This mission may be our last chance to defeat the Empire.
We will attack the Death Star in a totally different attack from the attack on that other totally different Death Star.
Totally different.
Got that? - Yes, yes, I agree.
- Yes, yes.
- Yes, yes, excellent.
- Yes, yes.
Now, we've found a tiny flaw where a perfectly-placed, one-in-a-million shot - could make the whole thing blow up.
- (ALL YELLING EX CITEDLY) I knew we'd do it.
General Solo and his team will go to Endor in this stolen Imperial shuttle and take out the Death Star's deflector shield generator.
And Lando will lead the assault on the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon.
On second thought, I'll fly the Falcon! Han, we need you on the Strike Team.
And I'll take good care of the Falcon.
It used to belong to my family.
But it's mine now.
All my stuff is in it! Oh, brother, I hear you.
Let me show you a picture of my sweet ride, Daisy Mae.
Oh! She's a real Nobody cares about your ship! I care.
(GROANS FAINTLY) (SCREAMING) (SIGHS) This should be easy.
Get in, destroy the deflector shield generator, get out.
(GASPS) If Vader figures out I'm here, it will put all of us in danger.
- Oh, man! - Stop worrying, it'll be great.
- Oh, man! Oh, man! - (ROARS) (GASPS) That's Luke Skywalker! - We have to warn our leaders! - To the bikes! - I told you I shouldn't have come! - After them! Oh! I'm running out of gas! And I've got squished bugs on my face.
Help is on the way! (BEEPING) (GLUGGING) Let's get those Imperials! What? Why should you guys get to have all the cool action? (BOTH SCREAMING) I feel like meat in a Rebel sandwich! (GROANS) (LAUGHS) Uh-oh.
(SCREAMS) See, kid? I told you it would all be fine.
You're right.
I need to stop worrying so much.
(ALL MOANING) (GROWLING) Once again, shouldn't have come.
No, not a black one.
Dark grey! They both look the same in the manual.
Master, I detect the presence of my son.
Yes.
He and his friends are on Endor hoping to blow up our shield generator.
But have no fear.
He will come to you.
He will come to me? He hopes to save you from the Dark Side.
Just as I planned.
I planned everything.
I even planned what you'll say now.
- No you - "No, you didn't.
" See? All planned.
That's so incredibly a "Amazing".
Called it again! I was going to say "annoying".
But "amazing" works, too.
ACKBAR: General Calrissian, is your assault fleet ready to take off toward the Death Star? Almost, Admiral.
One last final touch.
May the funk be with you! (FUNK MUSIC PLAYING) Ewokese is one of the many forms of communication in which I am fluent.
So, I can tell you that these delightful creatures think that I am a God.
I should add they plan to cook you for dinner.
(GROWLS) Yeah, we figured that out, too, thanks.
It's gonna be okay.
Threepio, tell them if they don't let us go, you will become angry with them and use your magic.
Magic? I can't do magic.
You can now.
Oh, oh (EWOKS SCREAMING) (GRUNTS) ALL: Ahh! Whoo! (EWOKS GASP) ALL: Ahh! (GROANS) I won't reveal how my tricks are done.
Because I don't know.
(CHEERING) Thank you, thank you.
You did it, Luke! Luke? Where are you going? You'll have to destroy the shield generator without me.
Vader is here and I have to confront him.
He's my father.
What? No way.
That's the worst thing I could ever possibly imagine.
He's your father, too.
(GROANS) C-3PO: Luke made the ultimate sacrifice to save us.
He turned himself in, just as the Emperor had predicted.
(LAUGHS) I love being right all the time! Luke Skywalker.
Today will see the end of your insignificant rebellion, and your ridiculous plan to attack my Death Star.
- You knew we were coming? - Rightio! I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
Wow! Do you have to be such a jerk? Did I hurt your feelings? You certainly did.
Ha.
All part of the plan! (EVIL LAUGHTER) Okay, let's get that shield down.
Artoo, do your stuff.
(BEEPING) Artoo! The door was booby-trapped, they knew we were coming! So it would seem.
LANDO: Death Star attack, here we go! The shield is still up! Pull back! The situation looked very bad for us.
What happened then? Send in the next droid.
I said, send in the Argh! Send in the next droid.
Hold that thought.
Let's go, old timer.
(BEEPS) Artoo, you freed yourself! Oh.
You are a hero.
Now, cut us loose and That traitor! He has abandoned us! - Ai, Maybe he has a plan.
- A plan to leave us here to rot! Why did I ever risk my circuits to save that selfish droid? Okay, tell us the rest of the story.
R2-D2 betrayed everyone he ever knew, the end.
No, he didn't.
I'll tell the rest.
And it's got a heck of a twist.
Just as things looked the worst, we were saved by your boss, Darth Vader.
- (STORMTROOPERS GASPING) - Get outta here! You better believe it.
We were in big trouble.
LANDO: Fire at the big Star Destroyers in close range! It's our only hope! - I'm hit! - Me too! But I got hit first! X-WING PILOT: You're so competitive! (EMPEROR LAUGHS) (DARTH LAUGHS) No! Stop it! Can't you see this is making me angry? Uh, that's the general idea.
Yes.
Unleash your anger.
That's how I'll turn you to the Dark Side.
You'll never make me angry enough to go to the Dark Side.
Oh, you asked for it.
You're a poopy pants stinky binky, huh? - Angry now? - No.
Okay.
You'll never be as cool as Han Solo.
Oh, that tears it! - (GRUNTING) - (CHUCKLING) You Rebel scum.
Thought you could defeat the Empire, eh? You'll never match the sheer power and intelligence of a highly-trained force who will always be your superiors! (SCREAMING) Artoo, you came back to save us! - (TRUMPET BLOWS) - (EWOKS YELL) Teddy bears! Run! Yes.
Yes! Ow! My nose! - Sorry.
- Sorry.
No, no.
My fault.
Too close to the action.
Carry on.
I feel a great disturbance in the Falcon.
As if my easy chair suddenly cried out in terror.
Concentrate on getting this door open! I can't open it.
Nothing is working.
(GROANS) Oh.
Great work, Chewbacca! (GASPS, COUGHS) Great for you! I don't know what this guy had for lunch.
- (GROANS) - Thank you! Oh! EMPEROR: Yes, Luke, yes! Now, finish him! Excuse me, what now? Come on, you know the deal.
It's the same thing you did with Count Dooku! Fair enough.
Finish him, Luke.
Then your journey to the Dark Side will be complete.
No.
I won't do it.
I'm a Jedi, like my father before me.
You failed.
Oh, well, then I surrender.
- Kidding! - (LUKE SCREAMS) - You ready? - Let's do this thing.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Lando, the shield generator's been destroyed.
Attack now! - All right, old buddy! - (BANGING) But be careful with my ship.
We're trying to destroy an Empire, here! I just waxed it, is all.
(EVIL LAUGHTER) (GROANS) Help! Father! This is really messing with my hair! No! No! Oh, good, Vader, you're going to help me.
That's it, carry me closer to Luke.
Where are you going? Luke is that way! This was not part of the plan! (GROANS) You saved me.
You did have good in you.
You were right about me.
Luke, help me take this mask off.
Just once, let me look on you with my own eyes.
Oops! Oh, my bad.
It's a little tricky.
I think that's our target.
(CHEERING) We are the bosses of blowing up Death Stars! That was the end of the evil Empire.
The prophecy was right.
Anakin Skywalker did restore balance to the Force.
(ALL CHEERING) STORMTROOPER 2: No way! STORMTROOPER 1: That's amazing! STORMTROOPER 2: Fantastic! - STORMTROOPER 3: Way to go! - (CLEARS THROAT) We don't give Rebels standing ovations.
You, Goldenrod.
Time to join my battle droid army.
You and Where's your troublesome little friend? Isn't that the question of the hour? That cowardly turncoat left us - That droid is crazy! - Let's get out of here.
(BEEPING) Artoo, I never doubted you for a second! Fire at them! I'll launch the emergency plan.
(ROARS) (HUMMING) Hmm? (CONTINUES HUMMING) Punch it, Artoo! (GENERAL VEERS LAUGHS) He's really quite good at this construction thing, isn't he? It's over, Rebels! To quote my idol, Darth Vader, "I have you now"! (SCREAMS) It's a last minute, surprise comeback! Go get him, Daisy Mae! - We are saved! - (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Now I have to go back home and live with my parents.
(ALL CHEERING) (ALL CHEERING) Didn't we just do this? Artoo, I'm glad you're safe, but you have got to stop putting me through so much trouble.
Quite honestly, mister, you owe me big time.
(BEEPING) A medal? A genuine, medal ceremony medal? Oh, thank you for the offer, but you will forgive me if I don't accept? Gold really isn't my colour.
But I do know someone on whom it would look most appropriate.
(BEEPING) (ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING)