State of the Union (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

- So, how are you? - Yeah, I'm okay.
- Did you remember my stuff? - Oh, yes.
Two pairs of socks, two pairs of pants, two T-shirts.
You didn't bring a bag? No, I was in a hurry.
You called at 8:20 this morning, which, as you may remember from when you were part of the family, is a busy time.
I ran to your drawers, I shoved everything in my work bag.
Well, now what do I do? Just Well, I don't know.
I'll put it back in my bag and afterwards, we'll find a carrier bag.
Your top drawer, by the way, is pitiful.
What's wrong with it? When was the last time you bought a pair of boxers? - I don't wear boxers.
- Or any underwear? I haven't worked for a year.
- So 13 months ago.
- I can't remember.
You have access to a joint account.
If I saw a payment to Marks and Spencer's for 50 quid, I'm not gonna hit the roof.
50 quid? Is that how much pants cost now? No, I'm suggesting you buy several pairs.
Can we change the subject? What have you said to the kids about me moving out? Nothing.
- Nothing? - Not as such.
Okay, well, what have they said to you? Well, they It just hasn't been mentioned? I'm not there and they haven't noticed? If they ask, I say you're somewhere else in the house.
I say you're sleeping or you're listening to music in the spare room, in the pub.
In the pub? I'm never in the pub.
No, I know, but they like it, I think, the dadness of it.
Jesus.
Wow.
How long do you intend to be gone for? I don't know.
You don't have to do this.
Nobody asked you to leave.
We had a pretty terrible few days.
And it all started with that stupid plaster cast.
Yes.
I thought when you told her about throwing away the cast, - it crossed a line.
- It was funny.
- She laughed.
- Yes, she laughed, you laughed.
I was hurt.
I was making a gesture.
Throwing the cast away was the first step on the long road to marital harmony.
Throwing the cast away when nothing's wrong with your arm just takes us back to where we were.
You're still a man with severe marital difficulties and two good arms.
I was trying to prove that I value truth.
Oh, is that why you told Giles and Anna that there'd been a spot of infidelity when we bumped into them? Oh, yes, a spot.
I was minimizing it.
Another gesture.
I admit I went over the top after that and things got out of hand.
Sorry for some of the things I said.
- There were some low blows in there.
- Well, inevitable.
It was never your face I wanted to punch.
I'd have thought you'd like to encourage all body parts below the belt, not render them unusable.
We should remember that we're talking metaphorically.
I didn't actually do anything to them.
Metaphors to the nuts can hurt just as much as kicks.
- Is that really true? - I don't know.
It's a slippery slope, moving out.
It can be hard to climb back up it.
That's the definition of a slippery slope.
So you're saying you may not be able to climb back up, that you've have moved out for good? - Am I? - Well, if you can't climb back up a slippery slope.
I was just pointing out a linguistic redundancy.
I wasn't announcing the end of the marriage.
- So no slippery slope? - No, just normal slope that I can wander up and down at will.
- No slippage, just exertion.
- Well, that's another thing.
You're not as nimble as you once were.
I just needed a few days to think.
- Where do you live, actually? - Why do you need to know? I don't.
It's just one of the useful pieces of information a wife might need, knowing where her husband lives.
I have my mobile on at all hours in case of emergency.
I'm not worried about how to get hold of you, I'm worried about what state you're in.
I'm perfectly comfortable.
You're somewhere local that took no effort.
Oh, God.
Oh no, don't tell me you're at Ketamine Kev's.
No.
That didn't work out.
- Oh, Tom.
- I knew it was a bad idea.
Who could have predicted that? - So, where are you? - I have a bed and access to a kettle, and that's all you need to know.
Why won't you tell me? Maybe there isn't enough mystery in our relationship.
Isn't that what they say in all those advice columns? I think they're talking about closing the door when you're peeing, not refusing to tell your long-term partner where you live.
Listen, what are we gonna say to Kenyon? I'm surprised you wanna tell her anything.
Thank you.
I didn't realize that was an option.
I was being sarcastic, Tom.
Of course we're gonna tell her that you've moved out of the family home since the last session.
Bloody hell.
Can we keep nothing secret from that bloody woman? Why do we have to do all of our dirty washing in her launderette? Besides, I don't want her to think that she's not getting anywhere with us.
- It's needlessly cruel.
- She'll live, I'm sure.
- What do you need to think about? - What do you mean? You said you needed a few days to think.
- Oh, yeah.
- So, what's on the agenda? Well, everything, really.
What is everything? The marriage, the the, um So, what have you thought about in the two days you've had so far? Now, you're just putting me on the spot.
What have you been thinking about? I was asking you.
I'm just pointing out, it's not easy to come up with a list.
I'm not the one who's gone off to think.
I've been thinking a lot about Matthew.
Right, okay.
Yeah.
And what do you think about him? Just that he's a bastard and how much I'd love to kill him.
I've been thinking that over and over again.
- And is that constructive? - Works for me.
- I Googled him.
- Oh.
- How do you know his surname? - I saw an email.
So I Googled him and then I went to his Facebookay page.
Likes his beer, doesn't he? - No.
- His pies, then.
I was surprised.
He didn't seem like your type.
That England shirt he was wearing in his profile picture looked like it had a football up it.
Well, he isn't fat and he wouldn't wear an England shirt.
I think I think you may have the wrong person.
Matthew's actually quite serious-minded.
I can't see him having an England shirt, let alone a Facebook page.
Sounds like loads of fun.
Why did you stop with him? Because it was a terrible thing to do and it made me unhappy.
And if I don't move back in, will it start up again? - I shouldn't think so.
- Why not? This is a pointless line of questioning.
- Why? - What are you asking me really? What do you actually want to know? I wanna know if you would start up with Matthew in the event of us splitting up? But what's the real question? Just Will you start seeing Matthew again if we stop being married? You're saying the same thing over and over again.
Because that's what I want to know.
Why wouldn't I want to know that? All you need to know is I'm not going to see Matthew again - if we don't.
- God, you're brutal.
How is that brutal? I thought that might be consoling.
Consoling? You're gonna run off with Matthew the minute I'm out the door and I'm supposed to find that consoling? Why would you care if you're gone? That, you see, that's the difference between you and me.
I blame your job.
What's my job got to do with it? God, your job is brutal.
"I'm sorry, Mrs.
Thompson, "I know you have cancer but you're 90 "so there's fuck all we can do for you.
Goodbye.
" Is that honestly what you think I do all day? God.
And you wouldn't know because you never ask.
Because I don't wanna know.
It's depressing.
Who wants to look at old people's private parts all day? It's the most depressing job in the world.
I hardly ever look at their private parts because that's not normally what's wrong with them.
Anyway, they don't have much bloody use for them because that's what happens, they shrivel up and they become useless.
It's happening to us, now, as we speak.
You know what the irony is? It's that I work with old people and you've spent your life writing about pop music, thinking about young people, in other words, their first albums, their gigs, their drugs, I don't know, their groupies.
Groupies? Have you read any of my stuff? I can't see what bloody use it's had.
You're shuffling round the house all day in your bathrobe, asking me to bring you clean pants.
Come on, make up your mind.
Am I eight or 80? I don't know.
There's room for confusion.
Whatever it is, you're not 44.
You're in the prime of your life and what are you doing with it? Do you know the real problem is with not having sex? It makes you crabby.
I can see that.
What else? It makes you re-evaluate everything.
You live with someone and you have sex with them and you think, "okay, I'm married to him.
" I mean, you don't think that.
You don't think at all.
You just get on with it.
But if you take the sex away, then all I'm doing is sharing a house with a blokaye who moans a lot and pokes fun at my bedtime reading habits.
I mean, what is he even doing in bed with me? I'm just encouraging you to branch out.
How many Scandinavian women are there left to kill? Do you understand what I'm saying? Sex is the one thing that separates you from everyone else in my life.
Well, nearly everyone, anyway.
We should go.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, thank you.
Me too.
I just I didn't realize it was that important to you.
Really? Look, how about I come back after our therapy session and we can you know, have a bash, if you want? I probably didn't say that very well.
No.
When you said, "Have a bash, if you want.
" Yes, awful.
Well, I don't want.
Right.
- So, where are we? - I don't know, Tom, but unless someone makes some kind of effort And by someone, I suppose you mean me?