Stath Lets Flats (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Go away!
Don't scream near me.
- Witch!
- Tosser!
I think you're fantastic.
- Tomoko says I remind her of Mr. Bean
- Shut up about your girlfriend.
I have this daydream about you,
all the time.
Where I push you
really hard into a spike.
And you burst. It's heaven.
I'm kissin' Carole.
- Oh.
- Oh, I thought we were gonna kiss
as we come through the door?
I suggested it.
Stop.
Yes.
- Thank you, Carole.
- Thank you.
What are you thinking about?
- Hm. This.
- Huh?
This, what's happening.
Why are you tutting for?
Sounds like you're eating.
Nah, I'm enjoying it.
Mate?
Mate.
Mate.
Mate.
Carole.
Carole.
Car.
Car, babe.
Car.
Carole, babe.
Carole!
Mmm?
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
What about last night?
Really good.
Oh, my God. My mouth is so dry.
I think I had a milk shake here.
In there.
Carole, I noticed
that I put my t-shirt on the radiator
in the madness of it all, last night,
can you believe it?
Hm.
Is that refreshing?
Hm.
Sorry.
- I swear we've never even
- I don't
- Walked together before.
- I don't know.
Look at those little
What are those things called?
They're like little ships, innit?
- Yeah.
- They're so cute. Do you like them?
They're called pedalos, yeah.
Yeah, they're a laugh, actually.
They're all right.
Right. See, I didn't even know
that you liked them.
- I Yeah.
- I don't know anything about you.
You've been keeping stuff from me.
- When's your When's your birthday?
- What?
Oh, erm, it's May the 1st.
Oh! July 26th!
That's my birthday, we should do
like ajoint thing like a
- I can't.
- Holiday All right.
It'sStath.
Ifyougotthemessage,
leave themessage.
Unlessyou
Stath, it's Sophie again
from Your sister.
I need to get my results, man,
are you coming?
I haven't eaten 'cause you said
about getting me
a congratulations' kebab.
OK, thank you. Sorry, love you.
Everyone's late, today, after the party.
Bloody slackers.
Nah, they're OK.
I shouldn't have said that, sorry.
Cruel of me.
What were you saying about some results?
I'm going to college
to get my results for my course.
Oh! Wow-aroo!
- That's incredibly exciting.
- Yeah.
I never got any results before.
I didn't do my GCSEs
'cause Dad took us on holiday
to Southampton.
All right. It's a cool city. Yeah.
How do you think you're gonna do?
- I would like to get AA 100% excellent.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I wouldn't mind BBB silver medal.
- Hmm.
- Mmm.
But I don't wanna get DDF, crap medal.
Look, if Stath can't make it,
I'd happily take you.
No. He is coming.
Do you keep running
ahead of me 'cause I stink?
It's such a shame
I wasn't allowed
to have a shower at yours.
You don't have to shower every day.
It's a waste of time.
What do you do to wash?
Stand-up wash
or hairspray my body
and just let it crisp.
- Right
- I'm gonna
Oh.
Right, OK. I'm going in.
You wait out here, OK,
so that we're staggered.
I don't want them to see us,
like, going in together.
Look, last night it was giggles.
But for me, it's like,
there's work and then there's play.
- Do you know what I mean?
- I do know what you mean, yeah.
So, yeah, you got it, chick.
Oh, I forgot to ask.
Did we use protection last night?
Condoms?
Yeah, why?
Argh. Nothing.
Is that you getting hyped for work?
- Yeah.
- What are you doing out here?
Yeah, I had sex with Carole last night,
so I'm waiting out here
'cause we're not keeping it
in the workplace.
Shut up!
Why?
He's been there four weeks?
I'll go in and whack him out.
Oh, no, you can't strike them,
even if they strike you.
It's tenancy law.
I was actually struck by one,
repeatedly.
I had to just let it happen.
It's PC gone M.
Oh. I'll go and ask Vas what to do.
I've been callin' and callin',
where have you been?
What you been callin' me about?
- College, for my results?
- Oh, is that today?
You're gonna get 100 As, innit!
That's howyou get a kebab
from your brother.
Right, well, the email said
they're serving bubbly till 12:00,
- so we have to go.
- All right, let's go. What's bubbly?
- I dunno, chocolates?
- Yeah.
- What?
- Marcus don't believe me.
Tell him.
Oh! Right, yeah, go start the car,
I'll be out in a second. Let's go.
- Can I have the keys?
- No. Are you mad?
Come on. Al, come in the kitchen.
I just rocked her world.
Sorry, but that's the truth
of the situation.
At one point, yeah, I was stood
just with my hands over on,
like, she's got like a desk.
I'm over like that just for ages,
waiting and waiting and waiting.
And then, we just went back to her room
and had sex.
How did it feel, out of 100?
Oh, God! Is there such number as 200?
Yeah.
I'm just so happy for you.
Thank you. Yeah, it feels Thank you.
Bloody hell! That's nice, innit?
- Ah, it's great.
- Him. Him!
What's Carole's saying about it?
Oh, last night?
Well, she said quite a lot.
Serious, man. She like,
did this thing with my, er, willy
where she was like rubbing it for ages.
I was really, really loving it.
Such fun. Such fun, that.
At one point,
we were just in bed and it was so quiet
'cause she kept telling me to shut up.
And I was, like, rolling around
with excitement
'cause she was asleep
and I was loving every second of it.
And then shejust woke up
and said, "Get out!"
And it's mad as well 'cause, like,
obviously, I hated her and whatever,
but last night when we were doin' it,
I was just lookin'
at her and just, like,
"wife, wife, wife, wife."
Nah, man, you're brave.
I can't bring that side of me
into the office.
I'm different with girls, though, innit?
I'm trouble
Oh, God. Yes, I am too. Trouble.
Are you trouble, Al?
Er, I don't think I am, actually.
Right, Al, come on.
I need to go and deal with that guy.
Oh, I don't know, my hand is
I don't need your manky hand.
Just can you get his info?
What are you all chatting about?
No, I'm just tellin' them
about us having
We had sex last night.
Yeah.
- Are you mad?
- No.
Why do you think
I told you to wait outside?
I thought we were doin' something weird.
Are you annoyed?
- Oh, my crump, man!
- Mucky.
- That's mucky.
- It's very mucky.
Where's she going?
Cornelius Manor, the squatter.
On her own? Alastair! Think, man!
She got to go with a parkner!
Remember when I couldn't be bothered
to come with you to the squatter?
What happened? He was bloody
striking you all day, bless you!
Crumbs!
Parkner?
- Aren't you taking Sophie, though?
- Yeah, I am, yeah.
Stath, I can't see your car anywhere,
I've looked a day away, man.
- Where is it?
- I didn't drive in.
Where's Carole, have you seen her?
She was in her car, swearing.
What about college? My results?
Can you make your own way?
Kebab!
You all right?
Don't talk. Shh!
Oh, great,
what are you stalking me? Great.
No, I came to say sorry
for tellin' people the news.
I didn't know that it was
a very special information to you.
Shh! 'Cause he's gonna hear!
- You have to go in with a parkner.
- Shh!
You have to go in with a parkner
if it's a squatter.
OK, what if he has a pole?
He could bash you with the pole,
bless you.
I don't need help.
I can look after myself, OK?
My brother tried to wrestle me once
and I kicked him in the head
and now, he's tired all the time.
- What?
- I need to get him out of there, OK?
And that's not gonna happen
if you go in raving around
like a dog, is it?
OK!
If I manage to get him out, OK,
you lock the door behind him
and then we will deal with him out here.
- Yeah?
- Right.
- That's the plan. OK.
- All right.
Thank you for letting me come on this.
- Brilliant, brilliant day.
- That's fine.
Don't knock!
Why are you knocking?
Because it's polite
and you said I had to be calm.
Right, I'm just gonna
- No, you fucking don't!
- Oh, shit!
- How are you swearing at my Carole, man?
- We're from Michael & Eagle lettings.
- Are you mad? I'll biff you out.
- We just want to come in and chat.
Get your body off the door
or I'm gonna take it to the church,
to the graves part!
What are you doing?
Crumbing hell! It stinks in here.
Oh, God!
Oh, crap!
Sorry, sorry.
I just got scared by the doors.
Sorry, sorry. Need any help with
OK, fine Right.
Jesus Christ!
Is Stath with you?
Er, no, no.
He got caught up in some nasty
Nasty shit, man.
Er, so, yeah.
- I thought I might come instead?
- There's my girl!
Oh, Katia.
- What did you get?
- Guess! Guess!
CCF!
Oh, my God. I'd never have guessed that.
That is what you wanted, though, innit?
Er, not F, but whatever.
I said to teacher CCF is like,
"Cool, cool and fuck it, man".
- Oh.
- What did you get?
Oh, my God. Three As times a million?
Well done, girl, you earned it.
No. I wish.
I haven't even opened it yet.
I was just gonna open it now.
Good luck, I'm sure it'll be
- Terrifico.
- Oh.
Is Stath here?
- No, no, he isn't.
- I don't care.
- What did you get?
- I don't know.
It's just a lot of writing.
There're no ticks or scores.
OK. Well, erm
OK, it looks like
there might be a clerical error.
It says you haven't handed in
any coursework.
The writing?
No, I think that was like a option.
Like, if you wanted to
do the writing you could or
- You didn't do it?
- No.
I just did the dancing.
Oh, my God, did I fail?
Don't worry,
you can still live life, dance life.
You are legally required
to give me fair warning
before you let yourself
in that door, OK?
You know what,
totally agree with you, 110.
Also, lovely to talk
to you face-to-face, innit?
Without this thing in the way!
That was like something
out of Blind Date that, wasn't it?
Also I'm really sorry about him.
- Sorry about me?
- You should be.
Are you mad?
He was blockin' the door, girl!
And by the way,
it's illegal for your flat
to stink so dreadfully.
- Why do you even want to squat here?
- Right, well, if you
What are you doing?
- I want that noted, kicked!
- OK, brainwave.
Why don't we pop to the cafe
around the corner
for a giggle and a biscuit.
Let the flat air out a little bit?
What do you think?
I don't wanna go to a cafe.
I don't want a giggle and a biscuit.
All that needs saying is that
we had an agreed rate for this flat.
And it has doubled.
And now I'm confronted with a madman
- letting himself in, unannounced
- What the hell?
Kicking my cupboards!
What the hell
are you talking about?
Get out the flat, you smelly boy!
- Smelly boy?
- No, it's rude, isn't it?
No, that's not how we do things,
is it Mr. Roon?
- Is it Roon or Rone?
- Roon!
Room?
That should be my surname,
shouldn't it? Room?
I'm the one letting flats,
for goodness' sake,
- with rooms!
- Coo, that's funny.
I don't think that's funny.
- Shut it! Shut the door!
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Right, yeah.
- What's he doing?
It's the stink of the century!
I'm still in the flat. Can I come out?
I didn't get nothing,
not even a score.
I never have anything to tell
anyone about.
I wanted to get CCC,
so I can go on Britain's Got Talent
and Royal Variety.
Stath doesn't even give a shit.
He's not even gonna take me kebabs.
Oh, erm
What is it, chicken?
Yeah
Actually, I don't know what it is.
Everyone was speaking Greek.
I think it might be
something to do with a haddock or
Yuck.
We could go and get another one.
OK.
Yeah.
All right, it really stinks
in here. Can I come out?
Stath, can you just
wait in there a minute, please?
'Cause I'm getting somewhere here.
Look, Mr. Roon.
I'm prepared to show you
some other properties
within your price range.
Shove 'em up your arse.
All right, I swear to God
I'm gonna punch you in the tongue.
No, no, I meant to close it behind
Don't
Oh, my God! Do you know what?
It's a relief, the smell in there
- I told you to wait in there.
- I could hear the smell.
I told you Give me my keys.
Just give me the keys,
I have to go back in now.
Wha Key I am
I left the keys on the floor in there.
No, don't put your head
and hands on the wall.
Why do you keep acting like this?
Being rude to me? Like we're nothing?
What is wrong with you?
Why are you even here?
We flippin' burned last night, man!
We were on flame! Together!
I was like
"This is it, this is real.
That's my lady for life."
I wanna watch you, forever.
OK?
If anyone gets in the way of my eyes,
I'm gonna, "move please."
I know you
and you felt that way, too, as well.
OK, let's just
Let's just chill a little bit, mate.
Erm
Oh, look, you know,
yeah, last night, it was
Yeah, it was interesting.
I'm not gonna deny that.
But, look, my head'sjust
kinda like
You know, and
Look, you know, I think you're like
Thick
And it's just quite hard to, sort of,
separate myself from that.
So
Look, I think it's best
that you just, well,
just stay away from me, erm
for the foreseeable future, I think.
Well, good luck getting me back, innit?
Seems like a such a shame
not letting you do
what you do.
You've got this incredible spark.
Your contribution to the arts in the UK
could be so huge.
Yeah.
But it's OK if nothing happens.
That's just normal, innit.
Do you want kebab?
Yeah, I ordered lamb chichi.
- I think it should be here.
- Lamb shish? Let me check.
Stagi, man, it's done!
It's not gonna bejuicy
if you leave it on the hot.
You want garlic sauce, chilli sauce?
Er, yeah.
Just as much chilli sauce as you can.
You like it spicy, innit?
Yeah, I've got a slightly numb tongue.
It was only when I went toJapan
and discovered wasabi
that I could actually taste anything.
So, I'm a late taster.
I'm late to the taste game.
You already got a kebab?
I come here to meet you, man!
I'm sorry, I've got to get this.
Al, today's been
Charming.
Well, I'm not getting you another one.
Girls, man!
Always "Take, take, take",
"shoulda, woulda, coulda!"
I was hungry from getting my results.
You already got your results?
I was well lookin' forward to that.
We could have gone tomorrow.
No, we couldn't go tomorrow.
It was only today.
- I told you that.
- As if!
I'm family! So selfish, man!
I've had a very painful day.
Are you havin' a joke?
How am I the selfish one? That's you!
You never done
one nice thing for me, never.
Not in 2016, 2015, 2014.
You just go 'round with me,
shouting at me all day
and just make me clean your earring.
And you know what, yeah,
you don't even know this, yeah,
but you always ask me
if I think you're an idiot and I say no.
But I do think you're an idiot.
Wow.
OK
I've thought about all that deep
That down stuff you said earlier
I've had time to think about it.
- No, it's OK.
- Let me speak, Sophie!
All those things
you said about me, yeah,
are totally wrong. I'm not like that.
- Oh, my God, man.
- I'm not!
You said I'm never nice to you.
The other day
I gave you directions to the bus stop.
I wanted you to give me a lift.
It was pissing down with rain!
I'm saying
I'm not sorry, but
It crushes me up inside
to think that I'm upset you.
'Cause you're like
my best friend in my life!
Like, the girl of my bloody dreams, man.
But I'm just saying
You got, er, good
college results scores?
- I failed at it.
- Ah, crumbs.
You sad about that then, yeah?
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
I wanted to get a CCC at least,
so I could get a job on telly.
It's OK, though.
Al was very supportive to me.
Oh, God. I love that boy. Christ.
Why'd you wanna get bloody CCC anyway?
You could get anyjob you bloody want.
You could do anything.
A song, a acting, a joke.
You got the best comedy in London, man.
You could do
You could crack up the whole of Wembley,
you know what I mean?
Come on, tell me onejoke now,
I swear to God I'll laugh.
Nah, I haven't got a joke.
I just had two kebabs.
Onejoke now, come on.
OK, actually
- I came up with this one the other day.
- OK.
- So, you know mirrors, yeah?
- Very well, yeah.
- So, imagine there was one on the floor.
- Yeah.
Then anyone who trod on it,
is gonna look down
and see up their own knickers.
Oh, my days, man!
That is treacherous, Sophie!
What an image!
To think of something
I couldn't think of something like that.
Right, OK,
look, you've earned a kebab.
I'm getting you a treat, come on.
No, I already had two kebabs
and dolmades, I told you.
Well, I don't know
what else to get you, do I?
Wait, hang on. Did you bring
your swimming knickers with you?
Aren't they supposed to give us
like a stick or something?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
- Ones you push the water with.
- Actually, yeah.
Don't put your hands in the water.
There's ants in there.
I always imagined
Al on a thing like this.
- Like, luxury style.
- Yeah.
Relaxed out.
- I always think of Al as luxury.
- Very much.
- The way he speaks is so cool.
- Yeah.
Like, "Hello, everyone. I'm Al".
Yeah, I mean, for me,
he's like the top person in London.
- We're very lucky to know him.
- Mmm-hmm.
I love him.
You fancy Al, innit?
Nah, I clocked you. I got you!
You fancy him.
No, it's all right, I'm not
It's OK to fancy someone.
Look, I actually fancied Carole earlier,
but only 'cause it's polite
to fancy someone
if you have sex with them.
Who had sex?
Me and Carole, last night.
Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, my God, man!
That is a lovely gossip!
Don't! It's dangerous on the ship!
I'll meet you inside, yeah?
I think I know
what I have to say to her.
Mmm, yeah. Oh, my God!
So, are you gonna have sex
with her again?
I hope not.
See you in there.
Tricky, OK.
Carole, it's Stath.
Yeah, you know that. Erm
I've had some very needed space.
- I think I know what we need to do.
- Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
I think I just lost my head
or something.
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
- It might happen, though
- No.
Charming.
And that
Sophie, I'm tired, man. I'm going home.
Tired?
I passed you in my car,
you were just walking around
drinking water.
Do you wanna come with me?
We can have crisps in the living room.
Stath, this is Tomoko.
She come as a surprise for Al
You a customer?
No, this is my girlfriend, Tomoko.
Oh. You OK, Sophie?
Don't say that.
You
Are you nice?