Strangers with Candy (1999) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[GRUNTING]
There we go.
Hello there, little ficus.
I'm Jerri Blank,
and I'm a 46-year-old
high school freshman.
Y'know, you and I got
a lot in common.
We both have thick
leathery bark,
we both have initials
carved into our trunks,
and we're both setting down
new roots
Me, back in school
after 32 years of
drug addiction,
prostitution,
and money laundering;
and you here, after being
ripped from the secure beauty
of your native soils.
So happy St. Arbor Days,
weak little ficus.
Oh, it's not a legal holiday,
but y'know
Neither are most of
the Jew ones.
Gone taken,
gone, taken
Redneck
So Jerri
Too fat, mama's boy
Did you ask somebody to
the Sadie Hawkins Dance?
I'm working on it.
The dance is this Friday!
I can read a calendar.
Hey, I made you a present.
It's a friendship collage.
Thanks a bunch!
I made it out of words
and pictures from magazines.
What, you want a medal?
I said "thank you."
Good luck on thinking of
somebody to ask to the dance.
Thanks.
I've gotta go.
If you get a chance,
check out the
Friendship Collage, right.
I'm not deaf and you
don't stutter.
Bonjour, señorita Blank.
Have you decided who
you're going to ask
to the Sadie Hawkins Dance yet?
Well, I I thought as much.
As always, this year
Special Ed is looking for
volunteers to escort
violent students to the dance.
We don't want them
to feel disappointed.
Keeps them calmer.
But I don't worry.
We'll be supplying
you all with tasers.
We don't want a repeat of
last year's debacle, hmm?
I'll think about it.
Mmmm!
[ZAPPING]
Ouch!
Works like a charm!
[CHORTLING]
Here we see The Acropolis,
literally, "The High City."
Theater of Dionysus,
birthplace of drama
That's me on the beach
Perfectly appropriate
beach wear for Greece.
On the beach
Beach
With a goat
And finally Zeus,
father of the gods,
with my head on top.
It was this cut-out thing
they had
On the beach.
Lance, lights?
Before we leave, that is Ricky.
He's a new student
here at Flatpoint.
As you can see, Ricky,
all the desks have been taken
by real Flatpoint students,
so I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to ask you to sit
on that box of slightly
irregular jeans.
Go on.
Now, I want you to treat
Ricky as you would
any other student that
you don't know anything about
and who evidently feels
he can just
waltz into my classroom in
the middle of the semester
and expect me to change
my lesson plan!
Why don't we give him a big
Flatpoint High welcome.
[BELL RINGS]
Maybe next time.
Why are we stuck
with the new student?
Tell me about it.
Nice pants!
Busted!
I've been waiting all-lll
since you walked in here
for you to slip up.
But Jerri
It's OK.
Principal Blackman
will take care of
our little handy man here.
Oh yeah.
You don't fool me, Ricky.
I know all-lll about your kind.
Your new-student eyes
immediately graze
over the firm young
flanks of our females
And I won't have it!
Capiche, amigo?
There's nothing I'd like better
than to put you new students
back on the boat
to where you came from.
Comprendez vous?
You can go now.
I want you to know,
Principal Blackman,
I'll work hard to try and
fit in here at Flatpoint.
Talk your monkey ass off.
I'll be watching you.
Whatcha doing?
Somebody slashed my tire.
[SIGHING]
Yeah, I know.
I did it.
Why'd you do that?
I've got a good excuse
Peer pressure.
Who put you up to it?
Nobody.
Sorry.
Let me help you with that.
I like your wheels
Vintage?
I like 'em old
Old and fast.
Really?
Name's Jerri
Blank, I remember.
I bet she runs sweet.
Y'know what would really
make her hum?
Pop out the block,
drop in a 454 Holley four barrel,
throw on some headers,
what the hell
functional head scoop,
you know where you'd
feel all that power?
Right in the seat of your pants.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
What's going on here, Jerri?
Uh just uh, slashing
the new meat's tires.
Way to go, Jerri.
Hey, we're going over
to the Bronzery Barn.
You wanna come with?
Let me finish teaching
this punk a lesson.
I don't mean
any of this, really.
I like you a lot.
[WHIMPERING]
Call me!
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
Hold still, guy.
Oh, Jerri, I need
to know tonight
who you're taking to
the Sadie Hawkins Dance.
I can't finish your dress
until I know what he's wearing.
That way I can
coordinate the hems.
Well, I haven't really
decided yet.
Ooh, why don't you
take one of those
Violent students.
Spike Jabber called ♪
Even I can do better
than Spike Jabber, Mother.
Look, I'll just
finish up the dress,
and then if it turns out to be
one of the violent students,
I can just reinforce
the trouble spots.
I love the golf theme this year.
I don't know, "Bogey Nights"?
Aw, I think it's cute.
Speaking of cute
Um, there's this
new kid at school
"New"? I don't like
the sound of that.
Oh, he's really nice.
Most new people are,
until provoked,
and then they turn out to be
Different.
Mom, did you see my cummerbund?
Ohhh ooh.
Hey, sack,
your face looks like a moccasin.
[SCOFFS]
Hello, shaft.
I thought I smelled ball smoke.
So who you begging
to the dance, spank?
I've got someone in mind.
I wouldn't be surprised
if you took the new kid.
Hey, Derrick!
I don't want to hear
that talk in my house,
not even as a joke!
I'll be in my bedroom.
"Dear diary,
"things are going great
at school and at home.
"I love my step-mother.
"Couldn't be happier.
"Well, gotta go do my homework.
"Ta-ta for now,
Jerri."
[MUTTERING]
Ahh let's see
"Dear real diary,
"I'm dying inside,
"and I hate my step-mother.
"I want to ask the new boy
to the dance,
"but no one would understand.
"What to do?
Desperately yours, Jerri."
Ahhh it's beautiful!
[WHISPERING]
Ricky?
Ricky?
Pssst!
Ricky!
Ooh, ha ha.
Down with the new student!
Blahh unggh!
Hey, Jerri!
Keep it down, keep it down
follow me and don't fight it.
Um, ugh, could we maybe,
like, have a minute?
Ughh arghh
No that way
[SCREAMING & PANDEMONIUM]
Ha ha, Ricky
So uh, how's your car?
I have to replace
the front quarter panel
and the passenger-side glass.
Oh boy,
those glass and fender dudes
will really screw ya'.
Why don't you go
see my man Nico,
tell him you're
a friend of mine.
Well, am I
a friend of yours, Jerri?
Well, if you weren't
Would I have
made you this?
Nice, I made it myself.
Oh, thank you, Jerri.
Ricky, will you, uh
Maybe, I was thinking, uh
Do you wanna maybe
go to the, uh
I dunno, dance, da ahem
dance with me?
Oh, but wouldn't that
cause problems, Jerri?
Ah, "Problem"'s my middle name.
I picked it up in Florida
'bout 15 years ago.
Hey, that's where I'm from!
Really?
What a coinka-dink.
Florida, umph,
beautiful weather,
harsh penal system.
I know a lot of you ladies
are gonna be attending
the big dance on Friday.
Be prepared.
It's important that
you have clean lines
around the delta region.
Now, Jerri, come on up here.
We're gonna do a little
demonstration.
[STUDENTS GIGGLE]
Drop the drawers, Jerri,
and relax.
Ohhh hope I have
enough wax!
There are several ways
you can go
when dealing with the area
on either side of
the "bacon strip."
I prefer
a clean simple
Line!
[CLASS GASPS]
[BELL RINGS]
Okay
That's it for today.
Have fun at the dance.
Thank you, Jerri.
Can I take those home?
Hey, Jerri, you're gonna have
a great-looking bacon strip
for the dance.
Ooh, I better.
So did you
ask anybody yet?
No.
Jerri, the dance is this Friday.
Jerri.
Hi, can I speak with you
for a moment?
I'll catch up with
you booties, later.
See ya', babe.
Bye.
[GROANING]
I'm having some of
the violent students
work out their aggression
on the percussion instruments.
Ha ha, okay
Jerri
What's this I'm hearing about
you spending time with
the new, new student?
Who told you that?
Let's just say a jealous little
Filipino snitch told me.
Dammit, Jerri.
New students lead
to bad reputations.
Yeah, but he's
"if wishes and buts
were clusters of nuts,
we'd all have
a bowl of granola."
[GRUNTING]
Jerri, come on, use your brain,
make some smart choices.
Spike Jabber's
making eyes at you.
[GRUNTING]
[PEBBLES HITTING WINDOW PANE]
[MUTTERING]
It's Ricky!
Ricky!
I'm sorry it's so late.
But I had to talk to somebody.
And you're the only one I know
who doesn't hate me.
Oh no, sit
You can talk to me, Ricky.
Shove your words into my ears.
I'm thinking of running away.
What wh-what?-
if you run away,
it will break
your mother's heart.
I'm an orphan, Jerri.
I don't know anything
about my real mother.
Just what genetics tells me.
And what's that?
She was probably
a short, squat woman
with thinning hair and a
debilitating overbite.
Mm, she sounds pretty.
I don't want you to go, Ricky.
I like you.
I like you a lot.
Oh, I like you too, Mommy.
Uhnn
What?
I mean "Jerri."
I'm-I-I was thinking about her.
Look I better go, but first
They found this on me
when I was a baby.
I want you to have it.
It's a tooth.
Thank you, Ricky.
I'll treasure it.
[TUMBLE & THUD]
Hey, Jerri,
we just got some unsettling news
that you and that new student
got a cozy little
friendship going.
Oh, where did you hear that?
I'm not going to tell you.
I'm not a snitch like
your little friend Orlando
who told me all about you
and that new student.
Well, it's not true!
Oh yeah, then who are you
taking to the dance?
Uh, well, uh
I was gonna ask uh
Uh, Spike!
Huh?
I was just telling the ladies
about um our
Sadie Hawkins date!
[LONG GRUNT]
See?
So you're not going with Ricky?
Ricky?!
Are you kidding me?
He's nothing like us.
He's new!
Ricky!
I was just coming to give you
this collection of sonnets.
B-But I guess you
won't want it now.
Ohhh, this book means
the world to me.
Don't look at what I'm doing,
just listen to
what I'm saying
I will always, always
treasure this book.
Or rather, y'know,
what's left of it.
Way to go, Jerri!
Yeah, Jerri!
Oh Ricky,
I'm so sorry, but
We can't go to the dance.
I just can't be new again.
Look, I'm gonna go
get some punch.
I'm gonna hit the crapper.
When I get back,
you better be here.
Hold it, right there
at the border, mi muchacho.
You see, the last time
I checked,
this dance wasn't
accepting green cards
from los estudiantes nuevos.
I didn't come here to dance,
Principal Blackman.
I came here to leave.
I just wanted to tell Jerri.
Ricky!
Get outta my way!
I'm leaving Flatpoint, Jerri.
What?!
I don't blame you.
It's not always easy doing
the wrong things the right way.
That's funny.
That's what I always say.
No!
Club him!
Yeahh! Yeahh!
Yeahh!
Grab his legs!
Grab his legs!
Pull him over!
Get him club him!
Wait!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Is it so different to be new?
And is it so strange
to be different?
No, I'm not saying
that new isn't bad,
of course, it is.
But on this
St. Arbor's Day Week,
we must realize that
the new sapling
grows into the mighty old oak
which we cut down to make our
new ax handles
which in turn
we use to chop down
our mighty old oaks.
Ricky
Th-That was beautiful, Jerri.
I hereby declare,
Ricky and Jerri
master and mistress
of "Bogey Nights."
Fit them with their jackets!
[BAND PLAYS]
[BAND STOPS]
[GROWLING]
Let's go now!
Jerri!!!
No, Jerri, what are you doing?!!
Jerri, no!
[THUD]
Whew!
Thanks for sticking up
for me, Jerri.
Ohhh heh-heh.
Mmm
Mm mmm
I couldn't help noticing
Oh, the gap.
I got a tooth knocked out
by a border guard
down in Florida
about 15 years ago.
Hey, I oughta
replace it with this.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Wow, it fits perfectly.
Remember how I said
I never met my real mother.
Yeah, that's too bad.
I-I think
I think maybe I just have.
Oh my dear Lord.
Why, Mom?
Why?
Look uh
You have to understand,
I was a teenage runaway
for 32 years.
I did things I
wouldn't force on a mule.
And that includes things
I forced on a mule.
You just gave me away!
No, no, never.
I traded you for a guitar.
God
And all these years
I've wondered
"What happened
to that guitar?"
D-Do you even know who
my real father is?
Of course, of course I do.
Florida, Florida,
Florida, Florida.
It was either this obese
bail bondsman with a harelip,
or a Cuban.
I'm pretty sure it was a Cuban
'cause they're thick
as flies down there.
But that's not
the important thing.
The important thing is
we're together now!
You just can't waltz back
into my life and be my mom!
Well, maybe I can be
your friend?
That would've been great.
But I'm transferring out again.
My foster dad
just got a new job.
No. I won't let you go!
Not now, not again!
I have to.
All right.
I guess it's
for the best, seems.
I don't have a job
or any maternal instincts.
But at least I know
you'll be out there,
not relying on me.
Good-bye, Mom?
Well can't we
still make out?
Ricky?!
Oh
I hope Spike's still kickin',
the bacon strip's sizzlin'!
C'mon Spike!
Well, little tree,
it's been quite a week.
I hope you grew as much I did.
I've learned a lot
That golf cleats can really
rip up the gym floor,
that the violent
make passionate lovers,
and that befriending new people
can lead to having sex
with your children
Accidentally.
Well, I hope you enjoyed
your week in the sun.
Good night.