Stripperella (2003) s01e05 Episode Script

1
There she is, damn!
Better watch out!
Don't you worry, kids,
we'll find Fluffer.
Excuse me, hi.
I would like to make
100 color copies.
Fluffer is missing,
and, well, my stereotypically
white-bread family is
We're just worried sick!
Try that machine,
machine number six.
This is a robbery.
I can't let you
enter without I.D.
Unless I see some I.D.,
how do I know you're
not lying, huh?
Hey, Persephone, can you
cover my shift tomorrow?
Please?
Big date?
I wish, tomorrow's August 9th.
I know it sounds weird,
but August 9th's always been
a really bad day for me.
I bet you have an
interesting story about that.
In fact, I do.
It started when I was
in the third grade.
So, Erotica, now that
we're going steady and junk,
I was thinking that maybe we
should start fooling around.
Bobby, I'm planning on saving
myself for the man I marry.
Look, I'm just
talking about kissing,
not full insertion or anything.
Listen, I've been
meaning to talk to you.
I think maybe we should
just be friends.
What?
But, but, Erotica
I thought we were in love.
I just need some space,
you're suffocating me.
Fine, who needs you?!
I want you to remember
the day you broke my heart
for the rest of your life!
What's today's date?
August 9th.
Great!
I'm putting a curse on you.
Every August 9th from now on,
you will have
the worst day ever!
The worst day ever!
Oh, come on!
You're not telling me that
curse actually worked.
The very next year, August 9th,
I got the chicken pox.
Year after that, I broke
my finger playing checkers.
Bad things always happen
to me on August 9th.
Well, I'll cover your shift,
but I think you're crazy.
Look, everybody, police chase!
Oh, I love police chases, almost
as much as I love policemen.
If you're just tuning in,
here's what we know.
The man the police
have been following
has been identified
as Milton Gibbs.
Allegedly, the chase
began four hours ago,
after Milton allegedly
robbed an alleged bank.
He just threw us out of the car
and took off at an unsafe speed.
He normally doesn't Rob banks
or lead the police
on car chases.
He's a good, churchgoing,
law-abiding, stereotypically
white-bread man.
I mean, he's only had sex twice!
Hello? Guys?
Boobies a-jigglin'?
Boobies? Anyone?
Did you ever notice
how you never see Erotica
and Stripperella in
the same place, hmm?
What an odd and completely
random thing to say.
I mean, a lot of
people have never been
in the same place
as Stripperella.
We haven't.
It was just an observation.
Excuse me for living.
Good morning, Stripperella.
Sorry to call you on
the frisbee phone,
but your vibrating belly
ring seems to be broken.
Sir, I turned off my belly ring.
Today's August 9th, remember?
You said I could have today off.
I'm sorry, I must've been lying.
Crime doesn't take the day
off, and neither do we.
Now put on some clothes
and get down here.
Chief Stroganoff, agent
69 reporting for duty.
Stripperella, pick up
that sledgehammer
and hit me in the groin.
Excuse me?
The guys in the lab have
developed a crotch protector
that's impenetrable to anything.
Come on, sledgehammer me.
Yes, sir.
Oh, the pain, oh,
my god, make it stop!!
Okay, now hand me
the impenetrable
crotch protector.
Oh, chief, shouldn't you have
put that on before I hit you?
Right, right.
Oh, thank god I lost my
testicles in the war,
or that would have really hurt.
Well, enough of this
unrelated fodder.
There's been a rash
of unusual crimes.
In each case,
the crime was committed
by a usually harmless citizen
with no previous
criminal record.
Sorority girls
Men of the cloth
Midgets
Even the handicapped.
The crimes are all
blatant public offenses
with lots of witnesses.
And in each case,
the lawbreaker claims
to have no recollection of
having committed the crime.
Sounds like what happened
with that stereotypically
white-bread family man.
The only lead we have are
these two pieces of paper
that were left at
the scene of the crime.
That poor little cat.
Fluffer is the least
of our worries.
The lab guys ran some
tests on these papers.
Why don't you run down there and
see if they've found anything.
Hi!
Wow, look at you!
Morning, sunshine.
Stripperella, we've
developed the film
from your nipple camera.
I knew the nipple
camera was small,
but I didn't think the photos
would turn out so small.
These are the only pictures
I have of my cousin's wedding.
Sorry, maybe we can
make some adjustments.
I'm gonna need to see
your nipples again.
Well, maybe we can
get them enlarged.
The photos, I mean.
We'll just deal with that later.
Have you analyzed
the papers yet?
Yes, based on the fiber samples,
we were able to determine
that we're dealing with
a very specific type of paper.
White, 8½ x 11.
Three-hole punched,
two sided, and thin.
And thin and white.
We've come to the conclusion
that these two papers
could only have come
from one of these
7,003,080 establishments.
Exactly.
Hmm, this is a lot of suspects.
I think I might have better luck
talking to a certain family man.
When do we get to
see the nipples?
Oh, hey!
Store-bought hair conditioner?
If it's not salon-purchased,
I don't want it in my hair,
you creep.
Milton Gibbs?
Stripperella, you gotta
get me out of here!
I didn't do anything,
I'm innocent.
You honestly don't
remember robbing that bank?
No!
I'll know if you're
telling the truth or not.
My breasts are natural
lie detectors.
Oh, okay.
I swear, I don't remember
a thing, I'm innocent.
You are telling the truth.
You can let go now.
What's the last thing
you do remember?
The last thing I remember
is going into Klinko's
to make a copy.
Wait a minute.
Klinko's.
Klinko's, that's it!
That was one of the names
on the list, Klinko's!
Everything is going
according to plan.
Innocent people are succumbing
to my ingenious
mind-control machine.
I will be a god!
How may I help you?
I ordered these business cards,
and I just got them in the mail,
and they're all blank.
Carl.
What?
She didn't say she
wanted anything on them.
Why do you think I gave
you all my information?
So I could send you your
blank business cards.
You are the opposite of helpful!
I don't know what's harder:
Trying to take over the world
or running a chain
of stupid copy stores.
Hi, I'm Muffy.
Just an ordinary cheerleader.
I am Hans Klinko,
just owner of Klinko's.
How can I help you, Muffy?
Do you carry white 8½ x 11,
three-hole punched,
two-sided paper?
Yes.
I thought so.
Crazy about that stereotypically
white-bread family man
robbing that bank, huh?
He made copies here, didn't he?
Are you here to make copies,
or to ask suspicious
questions in a tone
that implies that
I might have done
something evil and mischievous?
Oh, um, I'm here to make copies.
What are you copying?
This?
You want to copy a pen?
Yes.
You never know when
you'll need an extra pen.
Why don't you use
that copy machine?
Machine number six.
Carl!
Take this evil command
and scan it into
the mind-control machine.
Okay.
"Jump off the 5th
street bridge"?
I want that nosy
cheerleader dead.
Must be a paper jam.
Oh, well.
Not "oh, well," moron!
Get over there and fix it!
Oh, let me fix that.
Whatever you do, don't
use another machine.
You gotta use this evil one.
"Rob the county fair,
put money in the goat cage."
I gotta go!
Cheerleading emergency.
Unscrupulous villains,
prepare to become scrupulous.
Darn August 9th!
It's Fluffer!
Here, pussy, come on, Fluffer.
Here, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Whoa!
Here, pussy.
Gotcha!
Oh!
To the county fair.
Stay, Fluffer.
If I was gonna Rob a county
fair, where would I start?
No!
Hey!
Hold it right there.
It's time for you to take
a ride on the ass kickinator!
Huh?
The ass kickinator
is not really a ride.
I just made that up.
Hey!
I think I'll pay a little
after-hours visit to Klinko's.
Let's see what you're up to,
Hans Klinko.
They're open 24 hours, huh?
August 9th.
Stripperella!
Carl!
Seize her!
But, dude, I'm
like so clocked out.
I'll clock you out,
you worthless twit!
Okay, come on!
Look out, he's got
a staple remover!
I'll take it from here.
Take that!
Maybe now you'll
remember the toner, huh?
Hold it right there.
I'm afraid you're the one who
will be holding it right there.
You're glued to the ground!
Darn.
You think that's bad?
You're glued to a conveyor belt!
What's so bad about that?
The conveyor belt is
going to convey you
to that giant paper shredder!
Ooh, that is bad.
I know you're going
to be dead soon,
but for some reason,
I feel compelled to
tell you my evil plan.
Up until now, I have only had
one mind control machine.
But from this point forward,
I will have thousands of them!
Observe, each of these
red lights represent
a Klinko's store.
When I pull that lever,
all of the machines
will be activated.
Just watch the lights light up.
Your big plan was
to pull that lever
and light up all those
little light bulbs?
Big deal!
No, no!
Each light bulb
represents a Klinko's store.
As the mind control machine
in each store is activated,
the corresponding light
bulb will light up!
Oh, well, see, now that's
a much clearer explanation.
Ah, enough superhero
evil villain banter.
Prepare to die!
It figures I'd die
on August 9th.
Now I'm just going to
turn my back on you.
Foolish as it sounds,
I am not going to watch you die.
Midnight, it's August 10th.
Huh?
I just want you to know,
I really liked those shoes.
They were Prada!
Shame you don't have one
of those impenetrable
crotch protectors.
Impenetrable crotch protector?
You mean a condom?
I could get one,
why, do you want to
I meant, an impenetrable
crotch protector because
I'm about to kick
you in the groin.
Very hard.
Seems that the next
phase of your plan was
to get yourself laminated.
You know, I like
a man who's well-hung.
I'll get you, stripperella!
As soon as I get down from here,
figure out a way
to UN-laminate myself,
somehow get away before the cops
get here ah, screw it.
I'm never gonna get you!
Where'd you want me to put
these huge, luscious melons?
Hey, it's Fluffer's family!
Oh, Fluffer
Oh, sweetie, come to mommy.
We'd like to give
you this reward.
I'd rather you use the money
to get Fluffer neutered.
Pet overpopulation
is a serious problem.
Why, in the short time
we've been talking,
three million pets were
not spayed or neutered.
Okay, I promise you we'll
have Fluffer's balls cut off,
but I still insist on
giving you a reward.
Oww!
Hey, Erotica, guess who this is.
No way!
Bobby Stinson?
In the flesh, babe.
Take a good look,
see what you're missing?
This could've all been yours.
I found him for you.
I wanted to clear up
this curse nonsense
once and for all.
You're gonna take
back the curse?
There never was a curse,
I was just goofing.
I don't have special powers.
But you said
Hey, I also said
I was a vampire,
but come on.
I'm as much of a vampire
as you are a superhero
and/or secret agent.
So there's no curse after all?
See?
I told you it was no big deal.
All these years, my bad luck
has just been psychosomatic.
So, Persephone, what do you say
we go fool around and junk?
Oh, well, uh, listen, Bobby,
last night was kind of
a one-night thing.
Ooh, well, it's over,
and I think maybe we
should just be friends.
What?
But, but, Persephone,
I thought we were in love.
Love?
Fine, who needs you?
I want you to remember
the day you broke my heart
for the rest of your life.
I'm putting a curse
on you, Persephone.
Every August 10th from now on,
you will have
the worst day ever!
The worst day ever!
Oh, no, I'm doomed.
Oh, calm down.
You said yourself
it was no big deal.
Well, that's easy
for you to say.
You don't have a curse on you.