Stuck in the Middle (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 A new, unopened box of cereal.
Untouched by my six grubby siblings.
I'll finally have a bowl that looks like the picture on the box.
Fresh bowl, come to Mama.
Pull, Beast, pull.
- What are you doing? - We're training to be firemen.
Aren't you a little young, short and completely unqualified to fight fires? There's gonna be a fire truck at the neighborhood block party this year.
If we're gonna join the squad, we gotta train hard.
- You call that training? - Oh, come on.
Never walk away from the first bowl.
You guys can't be firemen.
You're too soft.
You call this soft? - Ow! - Ow! Maybe she's right.
Maybe we do need a trainer.
Someone tough who won't let up, no matter what.
Oh, you don't want this.
I'll bring the pain.
We'll take whatever pain you can dish out.
All right then.
It's on.
Move, fire monkeys, move.
Daphne's soggy leftovers for breakfast.
Eh, wouldn't be the first time.
Sorry the house is such a mess, Bethany.
It has been a hectic This is how it always looks.
Best to keep your shoes on.
I always wear my gardening shoes when I come here.
So block party time.
Very exciting.
Yep.
Time to get to know the neighbors I usually only speak to when their car is blocking my driveway.
That reminds me.
I need you to move your car.
It's not blocking anything, it's just an eyesore.
Anyway, I've got you down for your usual assignment.
Water station.
Got it.
No one hands out water bottles like us.
Uh, Mom, can you please grab me the peanut butter? I don't wanna hand out water bottles again.
It's a nothing job.
The year we had the flu, they replaced us with a tub of ice.
So are you saying we should do nothing? Because if you think we can get away with it - I'm all for it.
- No.
We should do more.
We should be in charge of the big activity.
The Callahans do the big activity every year and they nail it water slides, bounce houses.
But they moved to Alaska.
This opening may never come again.
It's all about timing, Mom.
Hey, guys.
Got any pretzels? Don't you wanna ask us why we're in here? Not unless it affects you handing me the pretzels.
Harley, doing the big activity is way too risky.
Everybody on the block already thinks our family's a train wreck.
Have you seen Daphne? This is our chance to change our reputation.
I can bring the wow factor.
And I don't mean the "Wow, the Diazes still have their Christmas lights up in July" factor.
Sorry, Harley, we need to just play it safe.
Now follow me out and act normal.
And that, Harley, is the difference between creamy and crunchy peanut butter.
Always teaching.
I just thought you were trying to avoid me.
But based on the havoc I'm seeing in there, it's entirely plausible you got trapped.
Ms.
Peters? I'm must curious.
Who's doing the activity this year? Wait.
You're thinking the activity? For the block party? This family? I'm not sure why that's so funny.
That's what makes it funny.
As a mother of seven kids, it takes a lot to push my mom's buttons.
But the one that puts her over the edge laughing at her family.
Mom's gonna lose it in three, two, one.
You can stop laughing because the Diaz family is doing the activity, and we're gonna knock it out of the park.
I mean, block.
You know what I mean.
Generous offer, but you better stick to your strengths.
Water, hand, water, hand.
It's not an offer.
We're doing it.
Yeah! - What did we just do? - Don't worry, Mom.
We're gonna set this block party on fire.
Fire? Where? Somebody do something.
It's my first day.
Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Try to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you I just put our family's reputation in front of a one-woman firing squad.
If I'm going to think of an awesome activity for the party, I have to have something I've never had before.
Quiet.
- No way.
No way! - (music playing loudly) No way! You're kidding! (laughter) For a project this big, I gotta find a place where my family won't be in the way.
(screaming) Not there.
Thank you for coming to my tea party.
One of you has been served an odorless poison.
Who will it be? Definitely not there.
Oh, hi, Harley.
Mom sent me over to try to find out what your activity is.
Is it bobbing for socks? Looks super fun.
No.
I was just looking for a quiet place to think.
But this is more stink than think.
I have too much quiet time.
Sometimes I go in my closet and pretend the coats are my big family.
The trenchcoat is my big brother, the parka's my cousin, and the poncho is my fun little brother.
I love family game night.
Your turn, Poncho.
I have an idea.
This is it.
It's perfect.
Tell me what we're seeing.
I want to be as excited as you.
Ellie, I'm seeing the place where I'm going to think of an activity so awesome, your mom's head is going to explode.
No offense.
None taken.
I've imagined it many times.
HARLEY: Now this is living.
Now that I have my quiet space, I'm going to think of something great, because silence is golden.
And so am I.
Awesome activity.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I've got a plan, gotta follow through There's nothing that I cannot do I'm ready to go I'm ready to go I'm ready to go I'm ready to go I'm ready I'm ready to go All I can think of is bobbing for socks.
Seriously? Seriously? What happened here? Where did Harley's stuff go? Why does our room look like Katy Perry's tour bus? Oh good, that's what I was going for.
You can't just decide you get Harley's space.
That's not fair.
You're right.
Let's take a vote.
Hey, squad, is this fair? - GIRLS: Totally.
- The totallys have it.
Yeah, well, I've got people, too.
Should I get half the room? Not cool, guys.
Stay calm, ma'am.
The fire department is here.
(falsetto) Save my baby.
Save Honey Maple.
It's all right.
I've got him.
He's my only child.
He's all I have.
Dude, you're making me not wanna rescue you or your ham baby.
- (whistle blows) - Ten seconds! That ham would be bacon by now.
Guys, I just told you.
No more rescuing the deli meats.
You said no, she said yes.
She's scarier.
And she makes us do push-ups.
What is this, a talk show? - Drop and give me ten.
- (both groan) You know what? 20.
And yet, I can't get you to rake the leaves.
- Rake the leaves when you get home.
- Thanks, Daphne.
Now I have no ideas and no pencils.
Harley.
Mom and I are really glad you convinced us - to take a risk this year.
- We'll show Bethany.
I want us all dressed for the big moment, so I made these for everybody.
"Team Diaz.
We nail activity.
" I wanted it to say "How'd you like us now?" but Mom felt it was enabling.
This is the year the Diaz family turns it around.
- Yeah, how you like us now? - Tom, please, stop.
Stop staring at me.
Okay, it's still in the testing phase, but I want you two to be the first to see my block party activity.
Be honest with me.
Stop downplaying it.
We already know it's going to be awesome.
It's called the bounce fly.
Uh that's a trampoline.
P.
S.
Not a great one.
No, this is a bounce fly.
On a trampoline, you jump.
There's no jumping here.
Just bouncing.
And flying.
She's messing with us.
This is the razzle before the dazzle.
Show us the activity.
I'll do the "ta-da.
" Ta-da! - Ta-da! - Ta-da? I gotta go.
When I tell Poncho, he'll be devastated.
This is a bounce fly.
Calling it a trampoline is insulting.
Oh, cool.
A trampoline.
Not a trampoline.
Who cares? We need a break.
I'll break you.
Get moving, or I'll flip you like a pancake.
What have I done? I can't tell Mom I staked our family's reputation on a knock-off trampoline.
Look, let me handle this.
You're not used to quitting things, but I am.
Right now, I'm supposed to be at karate.
So I bought this pink shirt for school.
GIRL: Love it.
This pink shirt for the concert.
Oh, that's so pretty.
And this pink shirt to go buy other pink shirts.
(squad laughing) What's so funny? (screams) Take that down.
When you give me my half of the room back.
Until then, go ahead.
Rip it down.
I've got more where that came from.
Night guard Rachel, runny nose Rachel.
Wisdom tooth Rachel.
No one looks good after oral surgery.
This is so unfair.
Is it? Let's take a vote.
Is this unfair? That's right.
I figured it out.
Yay! Bye.
Mom, we need to talk about the block party.
- Interesting.
- (Ethan screams) I was just going to talk about the same thing.
I didn't know Ms.
Peters was here.
Neither did I.
I guess I was camouflaged by all the clutter.
Anyway good news.
The neighbors heard you were stuck doing activity, so they pitched in to fly the Callahans back.
So you're off the hook.
Yay! We don't wanna be off the hook.
I made shirts, and we're gonna nail the activity.
Nail it.
Yes.
Nothing says competence like T-shirt humor.
Mom, maybe it's for the best.
We don't wanna upset the Callahans.
They've traveled so far.
- Franklin is right.
- I'm Ethan.
- Which one's Franklin.
- There is no Franklin.
Are you sure? How can you even keep track? You always have so much on your plate.
And yet, never cook dinner.
I just thought of that.
- So how'd it go? - Well Back it up, woman.
The Diaz family is doing the activity, and we're gonna nail it into the ground.
- How do you like us now? - Hey! Mom doubled down on you.
I'm really sorry.
Don't be.
This is a sign.
This is the universe saying, "Harley, you can't give up.
You're not a quitter like your brother Ethan.
" I'm not always a quitter.
Sometimes I don't even start things.
Well, it's time I start.
So step back.
I'm about to unleash the Harley.
I've got an idea for the activity.
I was overthinking it.
The trick was to keep it simple.
We're just going to need 14 water beds, fifty pounds of concrete, and a taco.
The taco is key, Ethan.
It's what we'll eat when we're in the getaway car.
Okay, you are literally tangled in your own ideas.
What's wrong with you? Good ideas used to just pop out.
Now, somehow, the taco is key.
What is wrong with me? Just last week, I came up with something fantastic.
They're my yoga pants.
No, they're mine.
And that's when I thought of my detachable pant legs, or as I call them, Detach-a-pants.
How'd I miss this? I'm the middle kid in a huge family.
My body rejects peace and quiet.
I thrive in chaos.
The taco isn't the key.
It's chaos.
Cut me out of here, Ethan.
I'm going back to my old room.
BOTH: No.
It's our room now.
You can't move back in.
It's not only up to you.
Georgie? I can't go back now.
Plus, we have a system.
Oh, right.
Georgie, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays - I open the door.
- My mistake.
Besides, do you think we're gonna let you back in after how you left us? So long, suckas! The H train is pulling out of Lame Town, and I am never coming back.
Losers! Chug-chug-chug-chug.
Chug-chug-chug.
(voice echoing) Losers! The H train shouldn't have made that extra stop in Cocky-ville.
Yeah, that train has a tendency to burn its bridges.
You are never getting back in there.
Harley, we've never asked you for anything before.
Total lie.
Go ahead.
The hard work, the constant stress, it's something no fireman should have to deal with.
We don't even wanna be firemen anymore.
But she won't let us quit.
You've gotta get her off our backs.
She even moved her playhouse into our room.
She's driving us bananas! No, we like bananas.
She's driving us tofu.
Boys.
I gotcha covered.
Tell Daphne to start packing.
She's got a new address.
Who let her in? There was free space; I'm moving in.
- My makeup bag.
- What are you doing? Making some room.
My makeup! That makeup was a waste of space.
- Boys are icky.
- Make it stop.
Wish I could, but as long as there's space, she's going to stay.
I mean, if there was a bed or say, an invention desk, Daph-nado could blow back out to the hall.
Wait.
Are those my bobbles? World's lamest dolls.
Bye-bye.
My bobbles! I've got it.
I've never been so relieved to have a huge, crazy family.
I thought I'd get things done despite them.
Turns out, I get things done because of them.
Awesome ride, Harley.
We did it, Diazes.
Consider me razzled and dazzled.
I can't wait to ride it.
Thank you, everybody, for helping me put this together.
- You did it.
- Oh, come on.
No, I couldn't have done this without you guys.
And half of my inventory.
You're amazing, Harley.
Just like the shirt says.
You nailed it.
All right, you can say it.
How do you like us now? Kudos.
So you made an activity for the block.
Well, not actually on the block.
More in the woods behind it, but you know, it's something.
Ellie, out of line.
Out! (groaning) You have a bunch of kids.
You can afford to put them on that.
You might wanna tend to the water station.
It's looking a little low.
And if you're getting tired, we can bring in a tub of ice.
Yes! Thank you for giving me a fist bump, Harley.
I don't get many in life.
The Diaz family is finally gonna get some respect.
She couldn't give me five seconds.
Hey, Dad, I wanted to have a little chat.
It's about your smack talk.
How you like me now? I'm just not feeling it.
I can help.
I'm kind of an expert on smack talk.
I'd prove it by throwing some "Yo mamas," but yo mama is abuela, and that woman is a saint.
For raising your lazy butt.
- Oh! Gotcha anyway! - So what am I doing wrong? Every word sounds the same.
Try punching one.
How ya like me now? Mm, no.
Try the last word.
How ya like me now? Ooh, that is better.
The other thing, big-time athletes always talk about themselves in the third person.
How ya like Tom now? Yeah, now it sounds like you're asking for approval.
Powerful people don't need approval, Dad.
They take it.
Take your power.
Like Tom now! Yeah, people, now that is what I'm talking about.
- Thanks, hon.
- Yes.
- Hey, guys.
- Like Tom now! I did before.
I don't know about now.
Okay, Mom, we have to work on your smack talk.
Have a sit.