Superior Donuts (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - (Screams) - (Yells) Geez! What the hell are you doing? Let me see, I was having a dream about sharing a hammock with Beyoncé, then I got a face full of old man ass.
- (Laughter) - No.
No, I mean, what are you doing here instead of your apartment? Did your roommate get lucky? Nope.
(Laughter) The slump continues.
We had no heat last night; the landlord says they're "waiting for parts," but we know that's BS.
Yeah, they're trying to make us leave so they can convert those apartments into luxury condos.
Yeah.
They haven't picked up the garbage in two weeks.
The cockroaches and the rats couldn't be happier.
It's vermin utopia.
Worst Pixar movie ever.
Maybe you better think about moving.
To where? With all the rich people moving to uptown, there ain't nothing we can afford.
I'll tell you what, uh, Franco, you can have my guest bed, and, Sweatpants, you can sleep on the couch where Joanie died.
So it's broken in.
We got to get ready for work.
And thank you.
But we're not moving out.
We got a year and a half left on our lease, and you know me, I ain't leaving without a fight.
You're gonna freeze to death.
We'll just buy a space heater.
Or maybe cuddle for warmth.
(Laughter) That is not happening, Sweatpants.
Hate to break it to you, but since you keep falling asleep first, you don't get a vote.
Hey, what's all that? I'm applying to become a sergeant.
I really need the extra money.
My daughter got into Northwestern.
Northwestern? Congratulations.
Eh.
Now I can pay a hundred grand to have her take mushrooms and sleep around with a lot of guys.
Which she could do at home for free.
(Laughter) - Oh, crap! - What? It says I need a recommendation from a current or former partner.
So? There are a lot of people you could ask.
Seamus McGee.
Liam O'Reilly.
Paddy McGillicuddy.
Why do all Irish cops sound like sports bars? Yeah, but none of those guys really liked me.
They all thought I was too mean.
Especially the fat ones.
What are you gonna do? Well, if I want a good recommendation, I'm just gonna have to start being nicer to James.
(Chuckles): Oh-ho.
What? I can do it.
Arthur, I dropped my glasses in the urinal again.
God help me.
Then I hit my head when I bent down to pick them up, and the You know what? I forgot to pee.
(Laughter) MAYA: Oh, look.
(Singsongy): Somebody hearts his grandma.
They've been renovating the laundry room in our building for a month, so now we're down to our back-of-the-closet clothes.
And you're damn right I heart my grandma.
Actually, I'm kind of loving these dress pants.
They make me feel dignified.
Like the king of England.
Or Steve Harvey.
FRANCO: (Sighs) The landlord's trying to push us out so he can turn the building into fancy condos.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Greedy developers only ever care about profits, never about people.
Is there anything that doesn't upset you? You're rich, you're white, you're young.
You won, baby.
Take a lap.
(Laughter) Just got to find out who owns the building.
Some new corporation bought it, and I can't get them to answer the phone.
Well, what's the company called? Coffee, please.
Chicago Property Holdings.
Well, I'm off.
They own several businesses, including a dry cleaners, and the owner's name is Fawz Hamadani Farooq Al-Shahrani.
What? That's a very common name.
In Iraq, it's like Bob.
S-So you're the one trying to push me out? Fawz, you can't do that to Franco.
Yeah.
You can't put him out on the streets.
Look at those dimples.
He'll never survive.
Well, in my defense, I didn't know he lived there.
All right, great.
So now you can back off.
I can, but I won't.
In three months, I'm gonna turn that pile of crap into high-end luxury lofts.
And what about the tenants who can't pay triple the rent? I've already thought of that They will be replaced by tenants who can pay triple the rent.
FRANCO: Well, you know something? I'm not moving to some dangerous-ass neighborhood and taking three busses to work.
Busses are fun.
The wheels on the bus go round and round.
And the bullets near the bus go zing, zing, zing.
What I'm doing is perfectly legal.
It's just business.
That doesn't mean it's right! Hey, there's no fighting in my shop! Superior Donuts is a place that people come to have fun, and eat a donut and talk about the cops, or how Walter Payton was the NFL rushing leader in 1985.
I believe it was Marcus Allen.
What, are you crazy? Walter Payton! No, it wasn't.
I'll look it up.
No one's looking it up! Now, you see? That's fun.
Fine.
But this ain't over.
And I ain't taking this lying down.
That's right! When Franco takes it, he takes it standing up.
(Laughter) Not helping, man.
Well, however you like to take it there's nothing you can do.
Oh, yeah? Well, you know what, what if I organized a protest? Me and the other tenants can make a little noise, let the world know what you're doing.
A protest? Hey, let's not get carried away.
Yeah, I can picket right in front of your dry cleaners, right next door.
(Gasps) But that is my most profitable business.
(Mock gasp) I know.
(Laughter) Franco, let me help.
I'm part of a campus group that protests every weekend.
How do you want to do this? Should we nude it up and chain ourselves to a fence? N-Nah.
I was thinking just a march with signs.
Nude march with signs? Just-just think about it.
If you want some picketing tips, we had some pretty tough strikes down at the factory.
Make sure you've got plenty of petroleum jelly.
What for? To coat your body.
That way, if the cops grab you, you just squirt right out.
(Whistles) No! Nobody is nude-ing or coating or squirting.
I'm gonna settle this thing right now.
Now, both of you, sit down.
Sit down.
FRANCO: All right.
Now, both of you got to just state your demands, then we'll work it out, all right? Franco, you go first.
Fine.
I want to live in an apartment building that has heat, a working elevator, a-and a guarantee that my rent won't double once my lease is up.
Fawz, your response? Uh - no! - (Arthur groans) Time to picket! All right, look, just make sure that you keep it civil.
This is a protest, not a riot.
A riot? Ooh! I'm gonna get to wear my riot gear.
I'm gonna go home and polish my helmet.
Oh, my God, James.
Northwestern, not cheap.
That is a great idea.
You are gonna look so cool.
All right! (Laughter) Yeah, you better watch out, Fawz.
(Singsongy): We gonna kick your ass.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Do you heart your grandma with that mouth? Yeah, he does! He loves his grandma with that mouth all night long! You got to stop backing me up, man.
- FRANCO: What do we want?! - PROTESTERS: Affordable housing! - FRANCO: When do we want it?! - Now! - What do we want?! - Affordable housing! - When do we want it?! - Now! - Isn't he inspiring? - (Protesters chanting) Yeah.
And you never said he was so cute.
Back off, Amanda! Can I have a try? Yeah.
Hey, girl! Hey, shorty in the red.
You got a boyfriend? You want one? Sorry, ma'am! Keep walking! Sweatpants can't love a woman until he learns to love himself! Come on, Arthur.
Join us, dude.
We got plenty of signs.
I told you, kid, I don't like these things.
I'm not getting involved.
Oh.
What, you on Fawz's side now? I don't pick sides.
I'm neutral.
Oh, so you're like Switzerland, with your cheese and your wooden shoes and your leaning towers and I should've researched this first, but you could be more supportive! I don't know, Arthur.
Sometimes I think it's worth protesting for what you believe in.
I remember once canvassing neighborhoods, manning the phones.
Did it work? Well, the McRib came back, - so you tell me.
- Oh.
They're just wasting their time.
If people had a problem with a ruthless businessman, we'd have a different president right now.
Fawz, I'm gonna miss you when America's great again.
(Laughter) Ma'am, do you really want to give your money to a man who's displacing longtime residents of this neighborhood? - All right! Yeah! - (Cheering) That's right! Oh, no! Don't chase her away! She's my best customer Sloppy eater, very sweaty.
- FRANCO: What do we want?! - PROTESTERS: Affordable housing! Yeah, yeah, I know what you want.
Susan, come back! (Protesters continue chanting) I feel I may be overdressed.
No.
Better safe than sorry.
Besides, you look great.
Really? 'Cause I feel like a superhero.
(Chuckles): Oh, yeah.
You totally look like a superhero.
(Chuckles) Whose superpower is never getting laid.
- What was that? - I said you look like Iron Man! I'm here with protest leader Franco Wicks.
Tell us what's going on.
We're fighting the forces of greed that are trying to push people out who have lived here their whole lives.
Namely this man, Fawz Al-Shahrani! (Protesters booing) Mr.
Al-Shahrani, care to comment on these accusations? Uh, of course Mr.
Wicks is entitled to his opinion, and of course there's no such thing as bad press.
And for a good press, come to America Dry Cleaning, where all shirts are two-for-one on Thursdays.
This does not include blouses.
So you're just going to ignore the protesters until they go away? No.
That is not gonna happen.
I don't care how long it takes! We're not gonna fold! (Protesters cheering) You don't have to fold.
At America Dry Cleaning, we do it for you, free of charge.
Do you worry that this is going to escalate into some kind of altercation? Uh, I don't know about altercation, but I do know about alterations.
Ten percent off with every order.
Listen here, Fawz, people came here for the truth.
And the truth is you're putting poor people out on the streets.
Uh I got nothing.
Back to you, Paul! FRANCO: Good morning! Do you recognize this dude from the news? - What do we want? - Franco - When do we want him? - Franco No, you're supposed to say "now," but it's okay.
I'll try it again.
What do we want? - Franco! - What? I need you to see something.
Okay.
Man, yesterday felt so good, you know? Like if you stand up for something, you can actually make the world a better place.
What? (Sad music) So you arrived at 4:15 this morning.
Did you see anyone suspicious? No.
Oh, my God.
You know, Fawz can be a jerk sometimes, but nobody deserves that.
"Arab Go Home"? (Grunts) Randy, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I think this one might be racially motivated.
(Laughter) Man, this is all my fault.
What are you talking about? You don't think one of the protesters did this, do you? No, but I put all that heat on Fawz, and that obviously stirred up some nutjob, who saw it on the news, that I brought here.
So, Randy, you think you can find out who did it? James is checking the neighborhood to see if anyone saw anything on their security cams.
How's it going with you and James? He's a dork, and he couldn't find his way to a vagina if he was the foreman in a vagina factory.
(Laughter) Thanks for asking.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's show Fawz that the neighborhood is behind him.
We could hold a unity rally outside of his shop.
No.
I mean, I hate what happened to Fawz, but my protesting days are over.
Uh-uh.
Kid.
No, kid.
Don't put this on yourself.
There's no way you could've known that this was gonna happen.
Except that you tried to warn me.
You said this would end badly, remember? And you were right.
Poor Franco.
So, this vagina factory (Laughter) do you know if they're hiring? I'm, uh I'm willing to take an entry-level position.
I got to do something about this.
Well, I didn't find anything on the security camera.
But I did see myself on the news last night.
Why didn't you tell me I looked like an idiot? What? I thought you looked dashing.
Oh, cut the crap, okay? I looked like a cross between a Power Ranger and a Ninja Turtle.
Those are two of your favorite toys.
They're not toys if they stay in the box! Okay, look, I'm applying to be a sergeant, and I need you to give me a good recommendation.
So I was trying not to say anything mean.
What kind of recommendation did you think I would give you? Well, I've been known to give you a hard time.
I could start with your brutal honesty.
But I could also tell them that you're a great cop and an even better person.
I think you'd make an amazing sergeant.
Thank you.
They need the recommendation by next Friday.
Oh.
So you have to be nice to me until next Friday.
Uh-huh.
So do you want to hear the Batman origin story or the Spider-Man origin story? I'm just kidding.
You're gonna hear them both.
So What? I just want to show you a few things from my protesting days.
Oh, yeah? Mr.
I'm Not Getting Involved was a protester? Yeah, actually.
Yes.
Here.
My old jacket.
You know, back in the day, this was considered out of sight.
Oh.
Well, it's nice to see you didn't always dress like a lesbian.
- Just tell your story.
- All right, all right.
It was 1964.
Lot of us were inspired by a man by the name of Martin Luther King Jr.
I'm familiar.
(Sighs) My friends and I went on a few local civil rights marches.
Well, one day, we heard that there was gonna be this big protest over in Grant Park.
- Yeah.
- Now, my dad tried to stop me, but I said, "Out of my way, old man!" "I'm gonna change this world.
" Wow.
You were really into it, huh? (Chuckles): Yeah.
I was also into this girl that was gonna be there.
They were not so big on bras in those days.
- It was the era of free love.
- Yeah.
And that was right in my price range.
You know, I was all excited.
I was walking to find my friends, and I passed by this electronic store with TVs in the window.
- Okay.
- And that's when I saw it.
Police dogs, fire hoses, people getting tear-gassed.
And I, uh Well, I watched for a minute, and then I went home.
- Why didn't you tell me this before? - I was embarrassed.
All of my friends, they were standing up for what they believed in, and I chicken out.
Anyway, that was sort of, uh, the end of my getting involved.
But, you know, the past couple of days, you inspired me.
Ah, I mean, that's great and all, but dude, after seeing what happened to Fawz I'm done protesting, man.
It's not worth it.
No, no, no, it is, it is.
Don't do what I did.
Don't run away.
Franco, you're a fighter.
You got to fight.
What's the point, Arthur? People are just gonna twist your message around.
My fighting days are over.
Yeah, well, mine aren't.
Where's he going with that spray paint? I don't know.
Don't huff it, Arthur! It's a gateway drug! (Laughter) Arthur, what's all this? I just want to make sure that people know - that the jackass who tagged Fawz's store doesn't speak for all of us.
"Arabs welcome.
" Wow.
And blacks aren't? No, I didn't mean that.
I only I'm just playing.
I'm just playing, man.
This is beautiful.
You're pretty inspiring, yourself.
But you're not worried some lunatic might see this and throw a brick through your window? Hey, listen, if I get hurt doing the thing that I believe in, I can live with that.
Oh, no, they got you, too? What kind of person hates Arabs and Jews? Pick a side! Fawz.
Look at the window.
Arthur, you did this? Yes.
Well, I'm very touched.
Well Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now I'm gonna get that graffiti off your window.
Fawz I'm so sorry, man.
I feel like all this was my fault.
(Sighs) It's not your fault.
There's a lot of crazies out there.
- Yeah.
- I just wish they would stop hating me for the color of my skin and instead hate me for the content of my character.
(Laughter) That was Dr.
King's dream, right? It's close enough.
But I feel you, man.
Try being a black dude in Chicago and having to deal with stop-and-frisk every ten feet.
(Chuckles) Try going through airport security as Fawz Hamadani Farooq Al-Shahrani.
All four of my names are on the watch list.
Yeah.
(Laughs): That's messed up.
- Yeah, we can agree on that.
- Yeah.
So, uh, I assume with all this happening, your tenant protest is over? Depends.
You gonna stop trying to force us out? Well, I'm not doing anything illegal.
It's my right to do business the way I see fit.
All right, then.
Good luck.
You gonna need it.
Not as much as you.
Look at us.
An Arab shaking hands with a black man while a Jew removes racist graffiti.
(Chuckles) God bless America, man! - (Laughs) - Amen.
Got supplies for the unity rally.
Isn't it nice when something good can come of a bad thing? Yeah, like my divorce.
My ex went on to marry a dentist, have three kids and a big house on the North Shore.
I live in a studio apartment with a twin waterbed and a parrot.
I think we know who won.
Hey, look what I found! I can still use this sign from my '64 protest.
- Huh? Isn't that great? Yeah.
And 50 years later, we still have racism, so Yay! Hello, everyone.
Franco, I might be feeling emotional because of this unity rally, but I've decided to let you and Pantsuit It's Sweatpants.
Sure, because that is less ridiculous.
Anyway, I will make it so you and all the other poor people can stay in the building.
Yeah? Dude.
(Chuckles) Thanks, man.
That's dope, man.
I appreciate that.
See that, Franco, huh? It's worth fighting for what matters.
I saw the light.
(Chuckles) Well, you saw the light and that tax loophole I showed you where keeping your low-income tenants gets you big subsidies from the city.
(Laughter) - Really, Fawz? - What? Everybody wins.
(Chuckles) America! Hot dogs! Apple pie! Go Cubs? (All cheering)