Superjail! (2007) s01e05 Episode Script
Don't Be a Negaton
Rargh! Aah! Arrrgh! Aah! # Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be # # You know, the world's gone crazy # # And it ain't safe on the street # # Oh, we're losing track # # And I know there's only one place to go # # I'm coming home # # Whoa, yeah # # I'm coming home # Relax.
Jared, what's with the hissy fit? You really need to relax.
I was relaxing, sir! Believe it or not, I wasn't always the calm, collected charmster you see in front of you until I found "The Power Pyramid" by D.
L.
Diamond.
I don't know, sir.
My mind is too logically rational to be swayed by mumbo jumbo.
Well, you're in luck, Jared.
I have invited D.
L.
Diamond to come to Superjail tonight and give one of his motivational presentations.
But See you at the show! Would you like to accompany me to the concert show tonight? Are you asking me out on a date? Maybe.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Over 44 million copies sold worldwide.
You've heard about the power.
Now experience it live.
Did somebody say "take me to your leader"?! What if I told you you could walk right out of Superjail right now? Not on my watch.
Oh, you think you're in a prison? You're only incarcerated in the prison of your mind! And your skulls are the bars, baby! I'm gonna help you bust out of them bars! Yow! Look, hombres, I was just like you once.
Then something amazing happened.
I was visited by these awesome, radical space-party dudes, the Galactoids! They kicked my mind in the ass, took me to their planet, and showed me I was possessed, baby, with evil aliens called negatons! Yuck-a-roo! Owww! Then they showed me how to eliminate my negaton thoughts, baby, with these cool, awesome c-rystals! Each crystal clears your negaton feelings and gets you closer to where the action is the Galactoid party ship! So, how do I get one of these crystals I heard that cool guy talking about? I'll tell you, friend you visit "The Power Pyramid" merchandise booth! Skiddly-diddly-da-bow! How splendiferous! Mr.
Diamond, it is an honor to meet you.
I'm your biggest fan.
I own every one of your tapes.
You don't have this one.
Look, play this over the Superjail sound system.
Helps everybody relax-ah.
Okay, and hey, midget? Get me a little fresh brew.
Hey, beautiful.
I'd like to see that hot bod in a Galactoid uniform! Who wouldn't? We'll get right on that, Mr.
Diamond.
That's "D.
L.
" to you, good buddy.
Remember, diamond is a girl's best friend.
Ow! Okay, look, take everything that isn't nailed down.
Mark up the prices on the merch.
Amber, hold up a second.
D.
L.
's diamond needs a little polishing.
Yee-ow! Release your negatons.
- Focus.
- Yo, that guy, man? He totally tripped my nut.
Shut up, man! I'm trying to escape the prison bars of my skull with the power of my mind.
Hey, guys, who wants to take a look at my family jewels? Don't make me go galactoid on your ass.
What the hell are you doing? Look, I don't need your negatons.
Not now.
Not like this.
So, the next thing I knew, I was in the middle of an intergalactic wet-t-shirt contest! Hey, did I mention that galactoid females have six mammary glands and 14 pleasure holes? The days just aren't long enough on that planet.
I usually don't buy into malarkey, but this "Power Pyramid" might be the key to ending my 15 years of depression! Get out of here! Aah! What's the matter with you? That D.
L.
Character is a phony.
He's up to no good, and I'm gonna bust him.
You're just jealous of a real man.
Let me just grab this brewski and get back to bus zow! Notice anything different? Maybe you and I should hang out sometime.
Do you like to be treated like you're special? - Yes.
- Thought so.
Let's you and me have some "special time.
" I got to go right now, but let's catch up after the show.
Ow! Keep it.
Something to remember me by.
Yuck! That is one funky chick! Oh, god! Yeah, we love you! Sir, I need to talk to you.
This is something very important.
Quiet, Jared.
The show is about to start.
Ow! Yeah! All right! You ready for this, baby?! I got some exciting news, baby.
The Galactoids are coming tonight! Okay, I would like to put on a great show for you guys, but I'm off to meet the Galactoids.
Good luck with everything.
Okay, where's my bags? What? You want to come with me to meet the Galactoids? Well, do you have the crystals? Do you have the space dress? Do you have the power?! Well, all right! Let's take the space dust and free our minds! D.
L.
Diamond is a fraud, and I have the proof! Mr.
Diamond, A.
K.
A.
Daryl "The Dime" diamond, is wanted for countless crimes, from petty theft to necrocide.
He has impersonated the handicapped, assaulted a donkey, graffitied the elderly, swallowed gum, and Jared, don't be such a negaton.
How will you ever make it past level 1 with that bad attitude? Can't you see I'm trying to save you? This dust is deadly! Watch! I'll prove it! Are you all right, Jared? You don't look so good.
I'm freaking out! Wo-o-o-o-o-o-w! Look! He's fine! Go, Jared! Go! See you on the other side of space, brothers! Ooh! Ooh.
Ooh.
Ahh.
Ooh.
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaah! Tune up.
Turn around.
Dropkick.
Aaaaah! Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! Come on.
Let's get all the stuff wrapped up and get the hell out of here.
Look, Amber, I don't know if we're gonna get out of here alive, but I want to let you know I don't think it's gonna work out between us.
Look! Galactoids? Holy They're real?! Skiddly-bootily, I am out of here! Way to go, Jared.
No, really.
Good job, man.
Now we're never gonna meet the Galactoids.
Look, man, I swear I was gonna split everything 60/40.
All right, 70/30, fellas, but that's my final offer, baby.
We're the Galactoids.
Welcome aboard.
Now, let's party! Now you're talking my language! Yow!
Jared, what's with the hissy fit? You really need to relax.
I was relaxing, sir! Believe it or not, I wasn't always the calm, collected charmster you see in front of you until I found "The Power Pyramid" by D.
L.
Diamond.
I don't know, sir.
My mind is too logically rational to be swayed by mumbo jumbo.
Well, you're in luck, Jared.
I have invited D.
L.
Diamond to come to Superjail tonight and give one of his motivational presentations.
But See you at the show! Would you like to accompany me to the concert show tonight? Are you asking me out on a date? Maybe.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Over 44 million copies sold worldwide.
You've heard about the power.
Now experience it live.
Did somebody say "take me to your leader"?! What if I told you you could walk right out of Superjail right now? Not on my watch.
Oh, you think you're in a prison? You're only incarcerated in the prison of your mind! And your skulls are the bars, baby! I'm gonna help you bust out of them bars! Yow! Look, hombres, I was just like you once.
Then something amazing happened.
I was visited by these awesome, radical space-party dudes, the Galactoids! They kicked my mind in the ass, took me to their planet, and showed me I was possessed, baby, with evil aliens called negatons! Yuck-a-roo! Owww! Then they showed me how to eliminate my negaton thoughts, baby, with these cool, awesome c-rystals! Each crystal clears your negaton feelings and gets you closer to where the action is the Galactoid party ship! So, how do I get one of these crystals I heard that cool guy talking about? I'll tell you, friend you visit "The Power Pyramid" merchandise booth! Skiddly-diddly-da-bow! How splendiferous! Mr.
Diamond, it is an honor to meet you.
I'm your biggest fan.
I own every one of your tapes.
You don't have this one.
Look, play this over the Superjail sound system.
Helps everybody relax-ah.
Okay, and hey, midget? Get me a little fresh brew.
Hey, beautiful.
I'd like to see that hot bod in a Galactoid uniform! Who wouldn't? We'll get right on that, Mr.
Diamond.
That's "D.
L.
" to you, good buddy.
Remember, diamond is a girl's best friend.
Ow! Okay, look, take everything that isn't nailed down.
Mark up the prices on the merch.
Amber, hold up a second.
D.
L.
's diamond needs a little polishing.
Yee-ow! Release your negatons.
- Focus.
- Yo, that guy, man? He totally tripped my nut.
Shut up, man! I'm trying to escape the prison bars of my skull with the power of my mind.
Hey, guys, who wants to take a look at my family jewels? Don't make me go galactoid on your ass.
What the hell are you doing? Look, I don't need your negatons.
Not now.
Not like this.
So, the next thing I knew, I was in the middle of an intergalactic wet-t-shirt contest! Hey, did I mention that galactoid females have six mammary glands and 14 pleasure holes? The days just aren't long enough on that planet.
I usually don't buy into malarkey, but this "Power Pyramid" might be the key to ending my 15 years of depression! Get out of here! Aah! What's the matter with you? That D.
L.
Character is a phony.
He's up to no good, and I'm gonna bust him.
You're just jealous of a real man.
Let me just grab this brewski and get back to bus zow! Notice anything different? Maybe you and I should hang out sometime.
Do you like to be treated like you're special? - Yes.
- Thought so.
Let's you and me have some "special time.
" I got to go right now, but let's catch up after the show.
Ow! Keep it.
Something to remember me by.
Yuck! That is one funky chick! Oh, god! Yeah, we love you! Sir, I need to talk to you.
This is something very important.
Quiet, Jared.
The show is about to start.
Ow! Yeah! All right! You ready for this, baby?! I got some exciting news, baby.
The Galactoids are coming tonight! Okay, I would like to put on a great show for you guys, but I'm off to meet the Galactoids.
Good luck with everything.
Okay, where's my bags? What? You want to come with me to meet the Galactoids? Well, do you have the crystals? Do you have the space dress? Do you have the power?! Well, all right! Let's take the space dust and free our minds! D.
L.
Diamond is a fraud, and I have the proof! Mr.
Diamond, A.
K.
A.
Daryl "The Dime" diamond, is wanted for countless crimes, from petty theft to necrocide.
He has impersonated the handicapped, assaulted a donkey, graffitied the elderly, swallowed gum, and Jared, don't be such a negaton.
How will you ever make it past level 1 with that bad attitude? Can't you see I'm trying to save you? This dust is deadly! Watch! I'll prove it! Are you all right, Jared? You don't look so good.
I'm freaking out! Wo-o-o-o-o-o-w! Look! He's fine! Go, Jared! Go! See you on the other side of space, brothers! Ooh! Ooh.
Ooh.
Ahh.
Ooh.
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaah! Tune up.
Turn around.
Dropkick.
Aaaaah! Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! Come on.
Let's get all the stuff wrapped up and get the hell out of here.
Look, Amber, I don't know if we're gonna get out of here alive, but I want to let you know I don't think it's gonna work out between us.
Look! Galactoids? Holy They're real?! Skiddly-bootily, I am out of here! Way to go, Jared.
No, really.
Good job, man.
Now we're never gonna meet the Galactoids.
Look, man, I swear I was gonna split everything 60/40.
All right, 70/30, fellas, but that's my final offer, baby.
We're the Galactoids.
Welcome aboard.
Now, let's party! Now you're talking my language! Yow!