Tales of the City (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Not Today, Satan
1 - [AIR HORN BLARES.]
- Oh! [GROANS.]
Hm.
[AIR HORN BLARES.]
[JEN.]
Step right up, friends.
One-of-a-kind Americana.
Conversation starters.
Dreams and visions.
[HORN BLARES.]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Hi, Mouse.
Jesus.
Babycakes, what the hell are you doing here? Well I spent the night.
Oh! At Shawna's? Mm.
- [AIR HORN BLARES.]
- Oof.
Okay.
I need three aspirin, a shower, and for that to stop.
What, you don't love the sweet sound of millennials in the morning? Not as much as you do, dear.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oof.
- [AIR HORN BLARES.]
Conveniently, I can't hear you.
I'll see you down there.
And congrats.
Welcome! Welcome! Get your old-school, used, gay Speedos right here.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, boy.
Good fucking morning.
Wow.
I mean, she does have a point.
This is just pervy.
For you, 20 bucks, but only because you're cute.
[HORN BLARES.]
- God.
- [SHAWNA.]
Oh, my God.
How much do you think she'd let me buy that air horn off her for? I already asked her.
She said it's priceless.
That's great.
Hey, home slice.
Could I interest you in a jar of perfectly aged placenta? Hey, can you stand next to my sister? I'm gonna do a Boomerang.
Oh, uh - I'm sorry, I - Hashtagging this - "#placentavibes"? - That's genius.
Uh I just I just wanted some mason jars.
[JEN.]
Priceless paraphernalia or germ-infested junk? Choose your adventure! Vintage.
Nostalgic.
- Antiques.
- Watch it, sister.
Sorry.
Pre-internet.
Everything must go! Is Is that my caftan? Hey, Anna banana, welcome to the spectacle.
I'm thinking of this as a deconstructed yard sale, you know? No! I do not know! And you cannot sell a person's property without their permission.
Well, you gave this to me.
Last year, remember? I wore it for Halloween, and you said it was tutti-frutti It was a gift! But apparently, that was more meaningful to me than to you Jennifer.
And, Michael that's my good lamp.
It has tremendous sentimental value.
It does? I've had it in my apartment for 20 years.
I forgot it wasn't mine.
And yet here you are, selling it.
Oh I'll handle this.
Anna? Come with me.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Someone once described anger as the bit of the iceberg that sits above the water.
It's the most obvious part, of course.
But it's never the whole story.
Are you kidding me with that? Up top to the right.
Relax.
How am I supposed to remember? Because you spent 19 years here? Well, I don't actually live here anymore.
- Mommy says you moved back.
- [IN SPANISH.]
I said he was at home.
Temporarily.
You're always here.
I think you mean I'm always doing dishes here.
Ai, ai, ai! ¡Silencio! ¡Mi cabeza! Sorry, Mamá.
"Sorry, Mamá.
" What was that Bible verse from this morning? "Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister"? Ugh.
Good.
Another sermon.
You know I was praying for a second one, because that first one just wasn't long enough.
Well, the priest'll be happy to know that you really grasped that "how to be a martyr" part of Catholic education.
[IN SPANISH.]
Stop it! Go watch the soccer game with your dad.
I can stay.
Doing dishes isn't for you anymore, papá.
Go.
[MEN SHOUTING.]
Okay.
Okay.
[WREN.]
Oh, shit.
What time is it? It's almost 11.
Damn.
You keep me up late.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Good morning.
- Morning.
What's all this? Nothin'.
Just a little Sunday brunch prepared by Chef Hawkins.
You know, you could be my sous-chef.
[SCOFFS.]
That's a joke.
That is a sexy joke.
Yeah.
I got that.
Mm-hmm.
Come on.
Sit down.
There's fruit salad, there's coffee.
I even got some of that pea milk you like.
Oh, wow, you just, like, went ahead and did the damn thing.
What? - You don't like it.
- No, it's great.
It's just that, um [SIGHS.]
- What? - I have yoga at 11:30.
And I'm not really into breakfast.
You do know breakfast is the most important meal of the day, don't you? [SIGHS.]
Look, I I got up early and, uh - Brian.
- What? [LAUGHS.]
Let's not make this complicated, okay? I'm not making anything complicated.
I'm trying to do something nice.
Very sweet.
Gotta go.
Bye.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[ALL GROANING AND YELLING.]
What is he doing? No crying.
It's only halftime.
- It's allergies.
- Hey, Dr.
Rodriguez.
Can you help Stewart grow a pair? Don't be stupid.
You can't grow a pair.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I'm not a doctor.
- I call you doctor out of respect.
- Because nurses don't deserve respect? - Ooh Hey, who needs another beer? Jake does.
I'm good, thanks.
Come on, lighten up.
Have a beer with us, nurse.
I don't really drink.
What, you want a wine cooler instead, a raspberry or some shit? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey! Lay off.
I gotta go easy on him just because he's Because I'm what? All I'm saying is, you hang with the boys, you gotta be able to take some shit.
Just ask crybaby Stu over there.
Maybe you've have one too many, Mando.
When did you all get so goddamn sensitive, huh? You'd better hurry up and have that son of yours.
Maybe he'll be a real man.
[CHUCKLING.]
You're a real man.
- I'm sorry for - No, no, no.
You don't have to be sorry for anything.
What the hell? Anna? Are you okay? [FOOTSTEPS.]
Come on, old lady, just Just tell me you're all right.
She's fine, dear, just a little overstimulated.
Okay, but, uh I'd like to talk to her myself, if that's okay with you.
Perhaps consider returning in a half hour? Perhaps consider moving out of the way? Ah, ah.
You need to let her be.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
Hey, buddy.
Ready to go look at this place? Yeah.
Wish me luck.
- Uh-huh.
- See you later.
Don't worry, I'll make sure I get a good price for your Speedos.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
[SHAWNA.]
What is Sam's angle, anyway? Mustard? Um - Ye Yes.
- Like, I don't care how old he is.
He blocked me.
Like, he blocked me from getting in.
I mean, that's just some straight-up creepy shit, right? Diagonal or halvesies? Um, whichever.
What was all that about the caftan and the lamp? I mean, it's like she's had a personality transplant.
You know what? She's been acting really weird since Sam showed up.
I mean, do you think it's one of those horrible elder abuse situations? And, you know, they never found the Zodiac Killer, if you know what I'm saying.
Delicious.
Thanks.
You know, you're actually a really good listener.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[ANNA.]
Watch the stone to the right.
Shawna? Look.
[ANNA.]
It's always been a bit [SAM CHUCKLES.]
Why is she all dressed up? Why does she have her purse? We We have to follow them.
- Yes.
Yes! - Yes! Yes! - Okay.
- Yes.
Oh, shit.
Sam probably has his car.
Do you have a rental? No.
Okay, I'll get us a Homobile.
Well, shouldn't we just order an Uber? I'm not a monster.
What's a Homobile? It's like a queer ride share.
You know, to ensure the passenger has a safe and accepting driver.
Oh, would they be okay with a straight, middle-aged woman? Shit, that's a good point.
Just act gay.
Like, walk like me.
Kidding.
Ha, ha.
[MUSIC BLARING ON CAR STEREO.]
Hi.
Hi.
Follow that car.
Oh, looky here.
She's bedraggled and bossy.
Excuse me? Do you beauties mind if we make a small detour? Hey, Body Politic.
It's the PYT with the heavy pour.
My best nights and worst hangovers are because of you.
Ah, I'm sorry, did you just call me bedraggled? Look, drinks on the house next time you guys come.
- Who says no to that? - Let's go.
- Where to? - That's your cue.
What? Oh, oh.
Follow that car.
[CABLE CAR BELL RINGS.]
And here we have our communal kitchen-slash-laundry room.
Why don't you just move in with Ben? It's too soon.
Hey, Lola.
Remember, foosball tournament tonight.
Plus, he's way too OCD.
Once I accidentally used the bathroom sponge to clean the kitchen.
He acted like I murdered someone.
Even to me, that's kind of gross.
This artist just had an installation at the Ace Hotel.
Cool.
Is this Is this a dorm, though? It's not a dorm.
It's an intentional living community.
Oh.
Sorry.
So, uh Wren slept over last night.
Really? Are you guys, like, a a thing now? I have no idea.
I made breakfast this morning, and get this, she's like, "I don't eat breakfast," then she got completely weird and ran out.
Maybe she just doesn't like breakfast? Who doesn't like breakfast? You know, once I I got Ben surprise tickets to see Robyn, because he loves her.
Turns out, he hates concerts.
I was like, who hates live music? Here at Mission Communal, we like to think of home as sharing lives, not just space.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Are these communal restrooms? They are.
We find that most of our residents adjust quickly to the arrangement, though.
Right, Lynn? Yeah.
I love sharing a bathroom with 15 other people.
I really can't wait to tell everyone at my ten-year high-school reunion next weekend.
This is truly an intergenerational community.
We believe that there is no age limit to starting over.
[SHAWNA.]
Then he blocked the door with his foot.
It was super ominous, especially because he's British.
That's some colonizer shit.
Mm-mm.
Not today, Satan.
Satan's blinker's been on for miles.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- [DRIVER.]
Damn it! Guess that's our turn.
Maybe we should have brought some - uh, disguises or something? - We're fine.
I don't know, maybe we're fine? If I put my hair up? Do you think that'd - You'd look identical.
- Put my hair I'll get this one.
All right, come here, bitch.
I'm gonna make you look sickening.
Uh Oh! Oh.
Thank you? This place is unbelievable.
I guess you can still find a gem in this crazy town.
Just need to know where to look.
But on the other hand, if I lived at Ben's, I can bike to work.
I'd get my cardio in, and it's stupid to pay two rents, right? I just can't believe I told Wren breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
I don't know, maybe it's a bad idea.
Besides, you know what's a boner killer? Arguments about the goddamn socks on the floor, the best way to put the duvet back on.
- I must have seemed so - He's just so anal, and not in a good way.
Here we are.
So how many people share this? Oh, I have an en suite, so this this is all yours.
Really? - My own bathroom, wow.
- Mm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm I'm definitely interested.
- Oh, I was worried I overpriced it.
- No, this is perfect.
Good, good.
I sort of thought it was a joke when I heard about it.
Uh, no offense, I've just never actually rented a bathtub before.
But it's yours if you want it.
Just remember, ladies, that shit's on loan.
We got a show tonight.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! What, is is Sam just a old person bounty hunter? What? No.
Just, this This isn't adding up.
Mary Ann, it's a queer nursing home.
She's just fucking old, looking for a place to live.
No, wait a minute.
Why would Anna be sneaking around if that's all this was? It's not like her to keep a secret.
It's exactly like her to keep a secret.
God, this is so fucking stupid.
We need to get out of here right now.
Excuse me.
Ah, ah You may have a point.
Oh, my God, we're such fucking idiots.
Excuse me! Welcome.
Come, come.
Let's get you all signed up for the three p.
m.
tour.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, I'm sorry, my parents, they live in Ohio, actually.
How nice.
They are going to love visiting you here.
We have a family meal every weekend at five, and lots of activities.
You're over 55, correct? [GIGGLES.]
[MEN SHOUTING AND LAUGHING.]
Working? Birth plan.
On a scale of one to asshole, how drunk is Uncle Mando? A solid asshole and a half.
[SIGHS.]
Sounds about right.
So you wanna talk about Margot? [CHUCKLES.]
Good effort.
Definitely not.
[SIGHS.]
You know, I never really liked her.
You never really like anyone.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can we just change the subject, please? Tell me about your birth plan.
You gonna give me shit about my home birth like everyone else? I mean, it's fucking San Francisco.
My coworker, Marisa, just gave birth in a fish tank full of koi.
So this is pretty reasonable by comparison.
Give me the benefit of the doubt, okay? Okay, well, uh We have a doula.
And they delivered the birthing tub last week.
And for pain? Hot compress, cool cloths, and meditation.
I've been practicing.
And I want to be sure that someone's always holding him.
You know, I I've read that it can really fuck a kid up if he doesn't get enough skin-to-skin contact, you know? Yeah, that's smart.
In school we had a whole section about secure attachment, and the advantages of skin-to-skin for infants.
And if there are any complications? If there are any what now? Last week, they brought this woman in who almost died because she refused to accept that she needed an emergency Caesarean.
Cool thing to tell me right now, Jake.
I'm just saying.
I just wanna make sure you're prepared.
Are you done? You should be informed of all the risks.
Listen, if you wanna mansplain to me how labor works, - you can get in line.
- Mansplain? Really? Fuck off, Linda.
You fuck off, Jake! Ugh.
[JAKE SIGHS.]
I know it's hard to believe, but I'm still me.
I just look different.
Maybe if if you listened to people who love you, you would realize that you're actually not the same person.
All right, fine.
We were wrong.
Oh, you think? But that doesn't mean that we were wrong about Sam.
Oh, my God.
I liked you a lot better this morning when you were hungover.
No, that whole thing that happened with Sam earlier is still weird.
Oh, my God! No, you know what I mean.
I know you do.
All those things you were asking earlier.
- What about the Zodiac Killer? - Please stop talking.
Look, I I know you're upset, but you love Anna.
She could be in danger.
This has nothing to do with Anna.
This is about your compulsive vacuum of need.
You need to be liked.
You need to be important.
You need to be the center of attention.
I mean, Dad was right.
Here you are just Joan-of-Arc-ing it.
He doesn't know me half as well as he thinks he does.
You know, for a minute there, I really wanted that to be true.
But he knows you inside and out.
Believe me.
See you later, Mary Ann.
An angel fell to earth Good afternoon, Doris.
She's a little hard of hearing.
You you sit here.
That's why you hear me say - I'll get us checked in.
- Oh, what a lucky day The day you came my way And I found you Not much to look at, is it? Oh! I thought, uh - Uh, uh Sam said - No.
I just let him think I can't hear so he won't talk to me.
Can't stand the man.
[SIGHS.]
Busybody and a show-off.
Always peacocking around and asking too many damn questions with that silly accent.
We get it, you're British.
That doesn't make you any less nosy.
Jesus Christ.
Mm-hmm.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
You're not dying on me, are you? - That would shit all over my Sunday.
- No.
I'm, uh You know, just trying to get my bearings.
I I've not toured many of these communities.
Bunch of old gossips up each other's assholes is more like it.
That sounds like community to me.
Well, it's nothin' to write home about, that's for sure.
Of course, uh, it's fine because this is where they park you to croak when you don't have anybody left at home to write to.
How lucky I must be Food's good, though, if that's your thing.
Some fancy old fag willed us an endowment or some shit, and now we all eat like royalty.
[CHUCKLES.]
My advice? You look like a nice lady.
Live with your kids.
Unless they hate you.
And stop hanging around with that douche.
Here he comes.
Pretend I'm asleep.
Ah.
Ready for a private tour? It's where I belong When we're apart, it makes me blue It almost breaks my heart in two Come along.
It's why I tell myself How lucky I must be Lucky, lucky When I found you I had a daughter.
Mona.
She passed on some years ago.
S Some days I can barely move.
I miss her so much.
The other days well you can distract yourself.
Until you can't anymore.
And then you cry.
[KNOCKS.]
Oh, my God.
What the hell happened to you? I'd love to say it was aspirational.
You and Shawna? [SIGHS.]
We broke up.
Oh, honey.
Well, I'm gonna live in a bathtub.
[LAUGHING.]
God! Well, I always said this place was too big for just you.
Come here.
Ooh.
Oh, Mouse.
[SIGHS.]
Where are we gonna go? I have no idea.
Come on.
L'amour à trois Je sais c'est démodé Ãa fait hippie complet Hi! Honey! Oh, I'm so happy to see your face.
I wouldn't leave you hanging without saying goodbye.
So, tenure, huh? Aaaah! [LAUGHING.]
I'm so proud of her.
Yeah, you should be.
You know, you can come to New York any time.
Don't be a stranger.
Yeah, I won't.
Ooh! Voilà l'amour à trois Um Can you excuse me for a sec? Yeah, but don't you disappear on us, Hawkins.
Ooh J'aime l'amour à trois Hey.
Hey.
J'aime l'amour à trois Why are you always hiding? Moi ce que j'aime C'est faire l'amour Spécialement à trois So, are you documenting the end of self-serious academic spaces, too? Twins promised me this was my kind of crowd.
It's pervasive.
I mean, think about grammatical gender, right? The French, the Spanish, the Russians? Which, now that I'm here, kind of hurts my feelings.
[ELI.]
That's Russian, right? Bon voyage? [INKA.]
Well, no.
That kind of night, huh? Yep.
L'amour à trois Talked to my mom today, who was a total nightmare narcissist, as usual.
I don't know why I ever expect her to change.
Plus, they're out of cups.
How about you? Same general idea, actually.
[ELI.]
popular, but I believe in linguistic determinism.
You can just tag the median period onto a masculine noun.
It's an elegant solution.
- You wanna get out of here? - Yeah.
Ooh J'aime l'amour à trois [DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, my God, I am exhausted.
That workers' comp guy I was telling you about is getting on my last nerve.
Want some iced tea? He wanted me to treat his hemorrhoids today.
I'm just like, "What exactly do you think a chiropractor does, my friend?" Damn.
Can't realign crazy, is all I'm saying.
Are we watching the game tonight? Because I saw the Pirates play last night, and they were so good, I got so nervous.
- I'm like, "How're they gonna do this?" - Hey, hey.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm sorry about earlier.
Don't worry about it.
- No, we just got off on the wrong foot.
- No, really, forget it.
- [SIGHS.]
- What is up with you? What's up with me? - Yeah.
- What do you mean? This morning you ran out of here like the place was on fire, now you're here as though nothing happened.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I have a really easy explanation for that, because as far as I'm concerned, nothing happened.
No one asked you to buy me pea milk.
Most women would kill for this.
You know that, right? Excuse me? Kill for what? For some dude who gets all pissy when the woman he's fucking doesn't stop her world for him? - No.
- Come on, honey.
- No.
- You sure? - Someone who is appreciative.
- Mm.
Someone who gives a shit about their day and their feelings.
- Okay.
- Someone who is dependable.
- Okay.
I see.
- You see what? You're not talking to me.
You're talking to her.
This Mary Ann nonsense has got you all fucked up.
No, I'm fine.
And this clearly has been a miscalculation on my part.
A miscalculation? Sweetie, you have some real shit to deal with, and I like you too much to make this the disaster I know it's gonna be.
Bye, boo.
So you really just don't talk to your mother? Nope.
Well, I didn't for a year, until today.
And now I don't again.
Sounds kind of nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
They're capitalist assholes from Marin who think I'm a royal fuck-up.
And that's basically every conversation we've had since I was 15.
Sometimes I look at my mom and I literally can't believe she gave birth to me with that giant stick up her ass.
Same.
Like today when I was with Mary Ann, I was like "Wow.
I missed you before I ever met you, and now that I know you all you do is disappoint me.
" Anyway When I was, like, six, my mom took me to this super creepy shopping mall in El Cerrito.
And she told me that if I didn't change my attitude, she was gonna take me inside and leave me at this special store where you can trade in your broken kid for a better one.
And I really thought that store existed for, like, years.
[CHUCKLES.]
Christ.
Yeah, I guess it's super fucked up [LAUGHS.]
Now that I'm saying it out loud.
[WIND CHIMES TINKLING.]
I just assumed that knowing my mom would take away this emptiness.
But whenever I look at her all I see is that I wasn't enough to keep her here.
I wasn't worth it.
I just feel like no matter how old I get, I'll always be that kid whose mom left.
- Which is probably dumb, right? - No.
I get it.
It's really fucking sad.
But I wish I had a Michael and an Anna and all those Barbary Lane kids.
I wish I had a dad who was obsessed with me, and a a whole neighborhood watching over me.
I've never really felt a part of anything.
I don't make friends easily.
And no one cares where I am right now, or if I come home tonight.
I'm always an outsider and so I see everything.
And it's obvious to me that you're the center of this little universe.
- Look, you're not - Shut up.
Hey.
Hey.
Look at me.
Slow down.
[SEAGULLS CALLING.]
[BEN.]
Babe, there is a surprising amount of closet space.
[MARY ANN.]
And counter space.
With all this space, I could keep some T-shirts here.
This fridge is huge.
[SIGHS.]
Feels good here, doesn't it? [IN UNISON.]
It really does.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Let's check out the deck upstairs.
Okay.
Anyway, I gave it my 24-hour rule, and I'm not so sure about this whole thing with Sam.
So, Sam's con is to trick Anna into moving to a senior living center? No, no, no No! He He's clearly He's isolating her.
It's classic conman behavior.
Once you cut the mark off from their family and friends, then you have control over them.
No, he wants her to move to the Flamingo Arms, and then eventually he'll get her to sign Barbary Lane over to him.
- Oh, Mouse, look at this view.
- [SIGHS.]
You said it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, wow.
Wow.
So I guess what I'm really asking is, do you think I should talk to Shawna about all this? [BOTH.]
No.
Fine.
You know what, I'm gonna google him.
See what I can find.
So this is, what, maybe an hour from your house? Yeah, probably.
I just can't get over how perfect this place is for you.
I mean, it It's got a little community.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Yeah! And it feels like a little vacation home.
It really does, yeah.
Of course, I wouldn't complain if you wanted to stay in San Francisco.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I'll think about it.
- Okay.
[HORNS BLARING.]
You know what? I'm just I'm just gonna call this volunteer center where Sam supposedly works.
[RINGING TONE.]
[FEMALE VOICE.]
Hello, you've reached Rainbow Readers.
Please listen closely, as our menu has recently Operator.
- I could get really into podcasts.
- Mm.
I've always wanted to be a guy who listens to podcasts.
Don't do it.
White people, you start listening to podcasts like Serial, next thing you know, you're in your closet writing true crime theories and thinking you're Ira Glass.
- Let's try that again.
- It's a slippery slope.
- If you are interested in volunteering - Op-er-a-tor.
Please select from the menu options.
If you know who you are trying to reach - This traffic is insane.
- Mm.
- Are you trying to reach - Liz Tulane.
- No! No.
Just Just be quiet.
- [HORNS BLARING.]
What happens if I kill her? That could be the first season of my true crime podcast.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I want to speak to a real person.
- Are you trying to reach - Bill Turpin.
No! No! [WOMAN.]
Hello? Hello! Oh, hello.
Hi.
Uh, yeah, hi.
Do you mind if I put you on hold? - Thank you.
- What? No, wait [FEMALE VOICE.]
Hello, you've reached Rainbow Readers.
Please listen closely, as I'm gonna have to go there myself.
- Mm.
- [HORNS BLARING.]
- [MAN.]
Come on! - [HORNS BLARING.]
[SIGHS.]
Sausalito's too far, right? Way too far.
I tend to think that you should accept whatever comes your way, unless what comes your way took a wrong turn on its way to someone else.
It's me.
I'm sorry to trouble you, but, um I didn't know who else to call.
I need one more favor.
[RADIO CHATTER.]
Uh, I need to speak to someone.
In In private.
What's this regarding? I'd rather not say.
Please take a seat.
Name? Anna Madrigal.
We'll call you in a little while, ma'am.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Thank you.
Sit down over here.
There we go.
I think think this was a mistake.
Why? Wh What do you mean? I've been here before.
Wait here.
I'll find some water.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[SAM.]
You all right? There's, uh something happening to me.
- Anna? - We have to leave.
- Right now.
- All right.
Here we go.
You must never mention this to anyone, please.
Of course.
Of course.
I I did the math today.
I've lived in this crazy city longer than I haven't.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I don't wanna have to live anywhere else, even across the bridge.
- [SIGHS.]
- I know.
I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
- Oh? - Mm-hmm.
I just want you to know that I have thought a lot about asking you to move in with me, and I love being with you.
Not when I leave my socks on the floor.
- Uh - [CHUCKLES.]
And I don't make the bed till after breakfast, or load the dishwasher the way I I love your weird-ass, mismatched wool socks.
And may I remind you that my closet is a disaster.
- Uh-huh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But I am OCD about wiping down the sink.
- I'm all over the place.
- Well, everyone has their stuff.
Exactly.
Which is why none of that will get in the way of us living together someday.
Uh Listen we've been together for six months.
And I want to be with you for a long time.
Do you remember what you said to me when I kept murdering my succulents? Organisms need optimal conditions to thrive.
I want us to be intentional.
Y-You know, it's important, and I I don't want us to make this big of a decision because your landlady's selling her house.
- You know? - Totally.
You're right.
You good? Of course.
[LAUGHS.]
Cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aah.
Of course I know Sam.
He's wonderful, isn't he? Well he's he's become very close to Anna, to to to my friend Anna.
Well, I'm so glad he's a resource for Anna.
Have you ever thought of issuing identification cards? Oh, wonderful suggestion.
I'll be sure to make a note of it.
I'm just glad he's back in the saddle.
That poor man.
I thought he was done with us after Margaret died.
Oh.
Was that his wife? Oh, Sam's? Oh, no! [CHUCKLES.]
Margaret was the last woman he read to.
It hit him hard.
Especially after we lost Rose and Ada just before that.
Three clients in three months, all with the same reader.
It was a shock to us all.
But they loved him, which was a cold comfort to him, I'm sure.
They even put him in their wills.
I've never seen that happen.
Wait, they they left him money? It's very unusual.
We never had such a streak of bad luck.
I just got Mom's text.
Are you [WAILS.]
Find the fucking playlist! I got it, I got it.
- [YELLS.]
- [PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Stop, she's allergic to lavender.
I don't know where to find I can't find I see it.
You want the one called "Having a fucking baby," right? [MUSIC STOPS.]
["HO HEY" PLAYING.]
- Hey! - Interesting.
- Fuck you! - Ho! Hey! [PANTING.]
- Ho! - I've been trying to get it right - Hey! - I've been livin' a lonely life - Ho! - I been sleepin' here instead - Your sister says you're a nurse? - Getting there.
Thank God.
She just doesn't seem emotionally prepared for this.
[SCREAMS.]
I wouldn't normally recommend a hospital transfer without an emergency, but I have serious concerns about her ability to do this.
No hospital.
Not yet.
I know you're trying to help, but I can get the husband to agree Look, I know this is hard.
She's been a pain in the ass my whole life.
[LINDA GROANING.]
I can't do this.
[SPEAKS SPANISH.]
Yes, you can, yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
She's just scared.
- I can't do this.
- I belong with you You belong with me You're my sweetheart I belong with you You're so close, okay? You can do this, mami.
You got it.
Each contraction is a hug from your baby.
[YELLS.]
I can't! You can.
You can.
Ho! It might have been - Okay.
- Ho! Took a bus to Chinatown Remember when you did that spin competition against that other shitty startup, and your team won? Hey! No, we didn't win.
Ho! We crushed them.
I belong with you You belong with me - You're my sweetheart - Beast mode.
- You are strong as fuck.
- I belong with you - You belong with me - I'm strong as fuck.
- You're strong as fuck.
- You're strong as fuck.
- I'm strong as fuck.
- You're strong as fuck.
- You're strong.
You're so fucking - [YELLING.]
You still wanna meditate through the pain? I do not, you little asshole.
- Ho - Let's have this baby.
We're bleedin' out I belong with you You belong with me You're my sweet Ho! Shawna? Shawna! [KNOCKING.]
Shawna! I'm down here.
Down where? - Three women? - In three months.
Do you know where she is? No, I I've been waiting here for hours.
Fuck, what do we do? [PHONE RINGS.]
[PHONE BUZZES.]
- Oh, my God! - Holy shit.
- She's in the hospital.
- She's in the hospital.
We have to go.
[BABY COOING.]
[SIREN WAILS.]
[WOMAN ON PA.]
Dr.
Court to the ER, stat.
Dr.
Court to the ER, stat.
- Oh! [GROANS.]
Hm.
[AIR HORN BLARES.]
[JEN.]
Step right up, friends.
One-of-a-kind Americana.
Conversation starters.
Dreams and visions.
[HORN BLARES.]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Hi, Mouse.
Jesus.
Babycakes, what the hell are you doing here? Well I spent the night.
Oh! At Shawna's? Mm.
- [AIR HORN BLARES.]
- Oof.
Okay.
I need three aspirin, a shower, and for that to stop.
What, you don't love the sweet sound of millennials in the morning? Not as much as you do, dear.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oof.
- [AIR HORN BLARES.]
Conveniently, I can't hear you.
I'll see you down there.
And congrats.
Welcome! Welcome! Get your old-school, used, gay Speedos right here.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, boy.
Good fucking morning.
Wow.
I mean, she does have a point.
This is just pervy.
For you, 20 bucks, but only because you're cute.
[HORN BLARES.]
- God.
- [SHAWNA.]
Oh, my God.
How much do you think she'd let me buy that air horn off her for? I already asked her.
She said it's priceless.
That's great.
Hey, home slice.
Could I interest you in a jar of perfectly aged placenta? Hey, can you stand next to my sister? I'm gonna do a Boomerang.
Oh, uh - I'm sorry, I - Hashtagging this - "#placentavibes"? - That's genius.
Uh I just I just wanted some mason jars.
[JEN.]
Priceless paraphernalia or germ-infested junk? Choose your adventure! Vintage.
Nostalgic.
- Antiques.
- Watch it, sister.
Sorry.
Pre-internet.
Everything must go! Is Is that my caftan? Hey, Anna banana, welcome to the spectacle.
I'm thinking of this as a deconstructed yard sale, you know? No! I do not know! And you cannot sell a person's property without their permission.
Well, you gave this to me.
Last year, remember? I wore it for Halloween, and you said it was tutti-frutti It was a gift! But apparently, that was more meaningful to me than to you Jennifer.
And, Michael that's my good lamp.
It has tremendous sentimental value.
It does? I've had it in my apartment for 20 years.
I forgot it wasn't mine.
And yet here you are, selling it.
Oh I'll handle this.
Anna? Come with me.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Someone once described anger as the bit of the iceberg that sits above the water.
It's the most obvious part, of course.
But it's never the whole story.
Are you kidding me with that? Up top to the right.
Relax.
How am I supposed to remember? Because you spent 19 years here? Well, I don't actually live here anymore.
- Mommy says you moved back.
- [IN SPANISH.]
I said he was at home.
Temporarily.
You're always here.
I think you mean I'm always doing dishes here.
Ai, ai, ai! ¡Silencio! ¡Mi cabeza! Sorry, Mamá.
"Sorry, Mamá.
" What was that Bible verse from this morning? "Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister"? Ugh.
Good.
Another sermon.
You know I was praying for a second one, because that first one just wasn't long enough.
Well, the priest'll be happy to know that you really grasped that "how to be a martyr" part of Catholic education.
[IN SPANISH.]
Stop it! Go watch the soccer game with your dad.
I can stay.
Doing dishes isn't for you anymore, papá.
Go.
[MEN SHOUTING.]
Okay.
Okay.
[WREN.]
Oh, shit.
What time is it? It's almost 11.
Damn.
You keep me up late.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Good morning.
- Morning.
What's all this? Nothin'.
Just a little Sunday brunch prepared by Chef Hawkins.
You know, you could be my sous-chef.
[SCOFFS.]
That's a joke.
That is a sexy joke.
Yeah.
I got that.
Mm-hmm.
Come on.
Sit down.
There's fruit salad, there's coffee.
I even got some of that pea milk you like.
Oh, wow, you just, like, went ahead and did the damn thing.
What? - You don't like it.
- No, it's great.
It's just that, um [SIGHS.]
- What? - I have yoga at 11:30.
And I'm not really into breakfast.
You do know breakfast is the most important meal of the day, don't you? [SIGHS.]
Look, I I got up early and, uh - Brian.
- What? [LAUGHS.]
Let's not make this complicated, okay? I'm not making anything complicated.
I'm trying to do something nice.
Very sweet.
Gotta go.
Bye.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[ALL GROANING AND YELLING.]
What is he doing? No crying.
It's only halftime.
- It's allergies.
- Hey, Dr.
Rodriguez.
Can you help Stewart grow a pair? Don't be stupid.
You can't grow a pair.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I'm not a doctor.
- I call you doctor out of respect.
- Because nurses don't deserve respect? - Ooh Hey, who needs another beer? Jake does.
I'm good, thanks.
Come on, lighten up.
Have a beer with us, nurse.
I don't really drink.
What, you want a wine cooler instead, a raspberry or some shit? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey! Lay off.
I gotta go easy on him just because he's Because I'm what? All I'm saying is, you hang with the boys, you gotta be able to take some shit.
Just ask crybaby Stu over there.
Maybe you've have one too many, Mando.
When did you all get so goddamn sensitive, huh? You'd better hurry up and have that son of yours.
Maybe he'll be a real man.
[CHUCKLING.]
You're a real man.
- I'm sorry for - No, no, no.
You don't have to be sorry for anything.
What the hell? Anna? Are you okay? [FOOTSTEPS.]
Come on, old lady, just Just tell me you're all right.
She's fine, dear, just a little overstimulated.
Okay, but, uh I'd like to talk to her myself, if that's okay with you.
Perhaps consider returning in a half hour? Perhaps consider moving out of the way? Ah, ah.
You need to let her be.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
Hey, buddy.
Ready to go look at this place? Yeah.
Wish me luck.
- Uh-huh.
- See you later.
Don't worry, I'll make sure I get a good price for your Speedos.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
[SHAWNA.]
What is Sam's angle, anyway? Mustard? Um - Ye Yes.
- Like, I don't care how old he is.
He blocked me.
Like, he blocked me from getting in.
I mean, that's just some straight-up creepy shit, right? Diagonal or halvesies? Um, whichever.
What was all that about the caftan and the lamp? I mean, it's like she's had a personality transplant.
You know what? She's been acting really weird since Sam showed up.
I mean, do you think it's one of those horrible elder abuse situations? And, you know, they never found the Zodiac Killer, if you know what I'm saying.
Delicious.
Thanks.
You know, you're actually a really good listener.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[ANNA.]
Watch the stone to the right.
Shawna? Look.
[ANNA.]
It's always been a bit [SAM CHUCKLES.]
Why is she all dressed up? Why does she have her purse? We We have to follow them.
- Yes.
Yes! - Yes! Yes! - Okay.
- Yes.
Oh, shit.
Sam probably has his car.
Do you have a rental? No.
Okay, I'll get us a Homobile.
Well, shouldn't we just order an Uber? I'm not a monster.
What's a Homobile? It's like a queer ride share.
You know, to ensure the passenger has a safe and accepting driver.
Oh, would they be okay with a straight, middle-aged woman? Shit, that's a good point.
Just act gay.
Like, walk like me.
Kidding.
Ha, ha.
[MUSIC BLARING ON CAR STEREO.]
Hi.
Hi.
Follow that car.
Oh, looky here.
She's bedraggled and bossy.
Excuse me? Do you beauties mind if we make a small detour? Hey, Body Politic.
It's the PYT with the heavy pour.
My best nights and worst hangovers are because of you.
Ah, I'm sorry, did you just call me bedraggled? Look, drinks on the house next time you guys come.
- Who says no to that? - Let's go.
- Where to? - That's your cue.
What? Oh, oh.
Follow that car.
[CABLE CAR BELL RINGS.]
And here we have our communal kitchen-slash-laundry room.
Why don't you just move in with Ben? It's too soon.
Hey, Lola.
Remember, foosball tournament tonight.
Plus, he's way too OCD.
Once I accidentally used the bathroom sponge to clean the kitchen.
He acted like I murdered someone.
Even to me, that's kind of gross.
This artist just had an installation at the Ace Hotel.
Cool.
Is this Is this a dorm, though? It's not a dorm.
It's an intentional living community.
Oh.
Sorry.
So, uh Wren slept over last night.
Really? Are you guys, like, a a thing now? I have no idea.
I made breakfast this morning, and get this, she's like, "I don't eat breakfast," then she got completely weird and ran out.
Maybe she just doesn't like breakfast? Who doesn't like breakfast? You know, once I I got Ben surprise tickets to see Robyn, because he loves her.
Turns out, he hates concerts.
I was like, who hates live music? Here at Mission Communal, we like to think of home as sharing lives, not just space.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Are these communal restrooms? They are.
We find that most of our residents adjust quickly to the arrangement, though.
Right, Lynn? Yeah.
I love sharing a bathroom with 15 other people.
I really can't wait to tell everyone at my ten-year high-school reunion next weekend.
This is truly an intergenerational community.
We believe that there is no age limit to starting over.
[SHAWNA.]
Then he blocked the door with his foot.
It was super ominous, especially because he's British.
That's some colonizer shit.
Mm-mm.
Not today, Satan.
Satan's blinker's been on for miles.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- [DRIVER.]
Damn it! Guess that's our turn.
Maybe we should have brought some - uh, disguises or something? - We're fine.
I don't know, maybe we're fine? If I put my hair up? Do you think that'd - You'd look identical.
- Put my hair I'll get this one.
All right, come here, bitch.
I'm gonna make you look sickening.
Uh Oh! Oh.
Thank you? This place is unbelievable.
I guess you can still find a gem in this crazy town.
Just need to know where to look.
But on the other hand, if I lived at Ben's, I can bike to work.
I'd get my cardio in, and it's stupid to pay two rents, right? I just can't believe I told Wren breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
I don't know, maybe it's a bad idea.
Besides, you know what's a boner killer? Arguments about the goddamn socks on the floor, the best way to put the duvet back on.
- I must have seemed so - He's just so anal, and not in a good way.
Here we are.
So how many people share this? Oh, I have an en suite, so this this is all yours.
Really? - My own bathroom, wow.
- Mm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm I'm definitely interested.
- Oh, I was worried I overpriced it.
- No, this is perfect.
Good, good.
I sort of thought it was a joke when I heard about it.
Uh, no offense, I've just never actually rented a bathtub before.
But it's yours if you want it.
Just remember, ladies, that shit's on loan.
We got a show tonight.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! What, is is Sam just a old person bounty hunter? What? No.
Just, this This isn't adding up.
Mary Ann, it's a queer nursing home.
She's just fucking old, looking for a place to live.
No, wait a minute.
Why would Anna be sneaking around if that's all this was? It's not like her to keep a secret.
It's exactly like her to keep a secret.
God, this is so fucking stupid.
We need to get out of here right now.
Excuse me.
Ah, ah You may have a point.
Oh, my God, we're such fucking idiots.
Excuse me! Welcome.
Come, come.
Let's get you all signed up for the three p.
m.
tour.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, I'm sorry, my parents, they live in Ohio, actually.
How nice.
They are going to love visiting you here.
We have a family meal every weekend at five, and lots of activities.
You're over 55, correct? [GIGGLES.]
[MEN SHOUTING AND LAUGHING.]
Working? Birth plan.
On a scale of one to asshole, how drunk is Uncle Mando? A solid asshole and a half.
[SIGHS.]
Sounds about right.
So you wanna talk about Margot? [CHUCKLES.]
Good effort.
Definitely not.
[SIGHS.]
You know, I never really liked her.
You never really like anyone.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can we just change the subject, please? Tell me about your birth plan.
You gonna give me shit about my home birth like everyone else? I mean, it's fucking San Francisco.
My coworker, Marisa, just gave birth in a fish tank full of koi.
So this is pretty reasonable by comparison.
Give me the benefit of the doubt, okay? Okay, well, uh We have a doula.
And they delivered the birthing tub last week.
And for pain? Hot compress, cool cloths, and meditation.
I've been practicing.
And I want to be sure that someone's always holding him.
You know, I I've read that it can really fuck a kid up if he doesn't get enough skin-to-skin contact, you know? Yeah, that's smart.
In school we had a whole section about secure attachment, and the advantages of skin-to-skin for infants.
And if there are any complications? If there are any what now? Last week, they brought this woman in who almost died because she refused to accept that she needed an emergency Caesarean.
Cool thing to tell me right now, Jake.
I'm just saying.
I just wanna make sure you're prepared.
Are you done? You should be informed of all the risks.
Listen, if you wanna mansplain to me how labor works, - you can get in line.
- Mansplain? Really? Fuck off, Linda.
You fuck off, Jake! Ugh.
[JAKE SIGHS.]
I know it's hard to believe, but I'm still me.
I just look different.
Maybe if if you listened to people who love you, you would realize that you're actually not the same person.
All right, fine.
We were wrong.
Oh, you think? But that doesn't mean that we were wrong about Sam.
Oh, my God.
I liked you a lot better this morning when you were hungover.
No, that whole thing that happened with Sam earlier is still weird.
Oh, my God! No, you know what I mean.
I know you do.
All those things you were asking earlier.
- What about the Zodiac Killer? - Please stop talking.
Look, I I know you're upset, but you love Anna.
She could be in danger.
This has nothing to do with Anna.
This is about your compulsive vacuum of need.
You need to be liked.
You need to be important.
You need to be the center of attention.
I mean, Dad was right.
Here you are just Joan-of-Arc-ing it.
He doesn't know me half as well as he thinks he does.
You know, for a minute there, I really wanted that to be true.
But he knows you inside and out.
Believe me.
See you later, Mary Ann.
An angel fell to earth Good afternoon, Doris.
She's a little hard of hearing.
You you sit here.
That's why you hear me say - I'll get us checked in.
- Oh, what a lucky day The day you came my way And I found you Not much to look at, is it? Oh! I thought, uh - Uh, uh Sam said - No.
I just let him think I can't hear so he won't talk to me.
Can't stand the man.
[SIGHS.]
Busybody and a show-off.
Always peacocking around and asking too many damn questions with that silly accent.
We get it, you're British.
That doesn't make you any less nosy.
Jesus Christ.
Mm-hmm.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
You're not dying on me, are you? - That would shit all over my Sunday.
- No.
I'm, uh You know, just trying to get my bearings.
I I've not toured many of these communities.
Bunch of old gossips up each other's assholes is more like it.
That sounds like community to me.
Well, it's nothin' to write home about, that's for sure.
Of course, uh, it's fine because this is where they park you to croak when you don't have anybody left at home to write to.
How lucky I must be Food's good, though, if that's your thing.
Some fancy old fag willed us an endowment or some shit, and now we all eat like royalty.
[CHUCKLES.]
My advice? You look like a nice lady.
Live with your kids.
Unless they hate you.
And stop hanging around with that douche.
Here he comes.
Pretend I'm asleep.
Ah.
Ready for a private tour? It's where I belong When we're apart, it makes me blue It almost breaks my heart in two Come along.
It's why I tell myself How lucky I must be Lucky, lucky When I found you I had a daughter.
Mona.
She passed on some years ago.
S Some days I can barely move.
I miss her so much.
The other days well you can distract yourself.
Until you can't anymore.
And then you cry.
[KNOCKS.]
Oh, my God.
What the hell happened to you? I'd love to say it was aspirational.
You and Shawna? [SIGHS.]
We broke up.
Oh, honey.
Well, I'm gonna live in a bathtub.
[LAUGHING.]
God! Well, I always said this place was too big for just you.
Come here.
Ooh.
Oh, Mouse.
[SIGHS.]
Where are we gonna go? I have no idea.
Come on.
L'amour à trois Je sais c'est démodé Ãa fait hippie complet Hi! Honey! Oh, I'm so happy to see your face.
I wouldn't leave you hanging without saying goodbye.
So, tenure, huh? Aaaah! [LAUGHING.]
I'm so proud of her.
Yeah, you should be.
You know, you can come to New York any time.
Don't be a stranger.
Yeah, I won't.
Ooh! Voilà l'amour à trois Um Can you excuse me for a sec? Yeah, but don't you disappear on us, Hawkins.
Ooh J'aime l'amour à trois Hey.
Hey.
J'aime l'amour à trois Why are you always hiding? Moi ce que j'aime C'est faire l'amour Spécialement à trois So, are you documenting the end of self-serious academic spaces, too? Twins promised me this was my kind of crowd.
It's pervasive.
I mean, think about grammatical gender, right? The French, the Spanish, the Russians? Which, now that I'm here, kind of hurts my feelings.
[ELI.]
That's Russian, right? Bon voyage? [INKA.]
Well, no.
That kind of night, huh? Yep.
L'amour à trois Talked to my mom today, who was a total nightmare narcissist, as usual.
I don't know why I ever expect her to change.
Plus, they're out of cups.
How about you? Same general idea, actually.
[ELI.]
popular, but I believe in linguistic determinism.
You can just tag the median period onto a masculine noun.
It's an elegant solution.
- You wanna get out of here? - Yeah.
Ooh J'aime l'amour à trois [DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, my God, I am exhausted.
That workers' comp guy I was telling you about is getting on my last nerve.
Want some iced tea? He wanted me to treat his hemorrhoids today.
I'm just like, "What exactly do you think a chiropractor does, my friend?" Damn.
Can't realign crazy, is all I'm saying.
Are we watching the game tonight? Because I saw the Pirates play last night, and they were so good, I got so nervous.
- I'm like, "How're they gonna do this?" - Hey, hey.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm sorry about earlier.
Don't worry about it.
- No, we just got off on the wrong foot.
- No, really, forget it.
- [SIGHS.]
- What is up with you? What's up with me? - Yeah.
- What do you mean? This morning you ran out of here like the place was on fire, now you're here as though nothing happened.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I have a really easy explanation for that, because as far as I'm concerned, nothing happened.
No one asked you to buy me pea milk.
Most women would kill for this.
You know that, right? Excuse me? Kill for what? For some dude who gets all pissy when the woman he's fucking doesn't stop her world for him? - No.
- Come on, honey.
- No.
- You sure? - Someone who is appreciative.
- Mm.
Someone who gives a shit about their day and their feelings.
- Okay.
- Someone who is dependable.
- Okay.
I see.
- You see what? You're not talking to me.
You're talking to her.
This Mary Ann nonsense has got you all fucked up.
No, I'm fine.
And this clearly has been a miscalculation on my part.
A miscalculation? Sweetie, you have some real shit to deal with, and I like you too much to make this the disaster I know it's gonna be.
Bye, boo.
So you really just don't talk to your mother? Nope.
Well, I didn't for a year, until today.
And now I don't again.
Sounds kind of nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
They're capitalist assholes from Marin who think I'm a royal fuck-up.
And that's basically every conversation we've had since I was 15.
Sometimes I look at my mom and I literally can't believe she gave birth to me with that giant stick up her ass.
Same.
Like today when I was with Mary Ann, I was like "Wow.
I missed you before I ever met you, and now that I know you all you do is disappoint me.
" Anyway When I was, like, six, my mom took me to this super creepy shopping mall in El Cerrito.
And she told me that if I didn't change my attitude, she was gonna take me inside and leave me at this special store where you can trade in your broken kid for a better one.
And I really thought that store existed for, like, years.
[CHUCKLES.]
Christ.
Yeah, I guess it's super fucked up [LAUGHS.]
Now that I'm saying it out loud.
[WIND CHIMES TINKLING.]
I just assumed that knowing my mom would take away this emptiness.
But whenever I look at her all I see is that I wasn't enough to keep her here.
I wasn't worth it.
I just feel like no matter how old I get, I'll always be that kid whose mom left.
- Which is probably dumb, right? - No.
I get it.
It's really fucking sad.
But I wish I had a Michael and an Anna and all those Barbary Lane kids.
I wish I had a dad who was obsessed with me, and a a whole neighborhood watching over me.
I've never really felt a part of anything.
I don't make friends easily.
And no one cares where I am right now, or if I come home tonight.
I'm always an outsider and so I see everything.
And it's obvious to me that you're the center of this little universe.
- Look, you're not - Shut up.
Hey.
Hey.
Look at me.
Slow down.
[SEAGULLS CALLING.]
[BEN.]
Babe, there is a surprising amount of closet space.
[MARY ANN.]
And counter space.
With all this space, I could keep some T-shirts here.
This fridge is huge.
[SIGHS.]
Feels good here, doesn't it? [IN UNISON.]
It really does.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Let's check out the deck upstairs.
Okay.
Anyway, I gave it my 24-hour rule, and I'm not so sure about this whole thing with Sam.
So, Sam's con is to trick Anna into moving to a senior living center? No, no, no No! He He's clearly He's isolating her.
It's classic conman behavior.
Once you cut the mark off from their family and friends, then you have control over them.
No, he wants her to move to the Flamingo Arms, and then eventually he'll get her to sign Barbary Lane over to him.
- Oh, Mouse, look at this view.
- [SIGHS.]
You said it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, wow.
Wow.
So I guess what I'm really asking is, do you think I should talk to Shawna about all this? [BOTH.]
No.
Fine.
You know what, I'm gonna google him.
See what I can find.
So this is, what, maybe an hour from your house? Yeah, probably.
I just can't get over how perfect this place is for you.
I mean, it It's got a little community.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Yeah! And it feels like a little vacation home.
It really does, yeah.
Of course, I wouldn't complain if you wanted to stay in San Francisco.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I'll think about it.
- Okay.
[HORNS BLARING.]
You know what? I'm just I'm just gonna call this volunteer center where Sam supposedly works.
[RINGING TONE.]
[FEMALE VOICE.]
Hello, you've reached Rainbow Readers.
Please listen closely, as our menu has recently Operator.
- I could get really into podcasts.
- Mm.
I've always wanted to be a guy who listens to podcasts.
Don't do it.
White people, you start listening to podcasts like Serial, next thing you know, you're in your closet writing true crime theories and thinking you're Ira Glass.
- Let's try that again.
- It's a slippery slope.
- If you are interested in volunteering - Op-er-a-tor.
Please select from the menu options.
If you know who you are trying to reach - This traffic is insane.
- Mm.
- Are you trying to reach - Liz Tulane.
- No! No.
Just Just be quiet.
- [HORNS BLARING.]
What happens if I kill her? That could be the first season of my true crime podcast.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I want to speak to a real person.
- Are you trying to reach - Bill Turpin.
No! No! [WOMAN.]
Hello? Hello! Oh, hello.
Hi.
Uh, yeah, hi.
Do you mind if I put you on hold? - Thank you.
- What? No, wait [FEMALE VOICE.]
Hello, you've reached Rainbow Readers.
Please listen closely, as I'm gonna have to go there myself.
- Mm.
- [HORNS BLARING.]
- [MAN.]
Come on! - [HORNS BLARING.]
[SIGHS.]
Sausalito's too far, right? Way too far.
I tend to think that you should accept whatever comes your way, unless what comes your way took a wrong turn on its way to someone else.
It's me.
I'm sorry to trouble you, but, um I didn't know who else to call.
I need one more favor.
[RADIO CHATTER.]
Uh, I need to speak to someone.
In In private.
What's this regarding? I'd rather not say.
Please take a seat.
Name? Anna Madrigal.
We'll call you in a little while, ma'am.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Thank you.
Sit down over here.
There we go.
I think think this was a mistake.
Why? Wh What do you mean? I've been here before.
Wait here.
I'll find some water.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[SAM.]
You all right? There's, uh something happening to me.
- Anna? - We have to leave.
- Right now.
- All right.
Here we go.
You must never mention this to anyone, please.
Of course.
Of course.
I I did the math today.
I've lived in this crazy city longer than I haven't.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I don't wanna have to live anywhere else, even across the bridge.
- [SIGHS.]
- I know.
I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
- Oh? - Mm-hmm.
I just want you to know that I have thought a lot about asking you to move in with me, and I love being with you.
Not when I leave my socks on the floor.
- Uh - [CHUCKLES.]
And I don't make the bed till after breakfast, or load the dishwasher the way I I love your weird-ass, mismatched wool socks.
And may I remind you that my closet is a disaster.
- Uh-huh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But I am OCD about wiping down the sink.
- I'm all over the place.
- Well, everyone has their stuff.
Exactly.
Which is why none of that will get in the way of us living together someday.
Uh Listen we've been together for six months.
And I want to be with you for a long time.
Do you remember what you said to me when I kept murdering my succulents? Organisms need optimal conditions to thrive.
I want us to be intentional.
Y-You know, it's important, and I I don't want us to make this big of a decision because your landlady's selling her house.
- You know? - Totally.
You're right.
You good? Of course.
[LAUGHS.]
Cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aah.
Of course I know Sam.
He's wonderful, isn't he? Well he's he's become very close to Anna, to to to my friend Anna.
Well, I'm so glad he's a resource for Anna.
Have you ever thought of issuing identification cards? Oh, wonderful suggestion.
I'll be sure to make a note of it.
I'm just glad he's back in the saddle.
That poor man.
I thought he was done with us after Margaret died.
Oh.
Was that his wife? Oh, Sam's? Oh, no! [CHUCKLES.]
Margaret was the last woman he read to.
It hit him hard.
Especially after we lost Rose and Ada just before that.
Three clients in three months, all with the same reader.
It was a shock to us all.
But they loved him, which was a cold comfort to him, I'm sure.
They even put him in their wills.
I've never seen that happen.
Wait, they they left him money? It's very unusual.
We never had such a streak of bad luck.
I just got Mom's text.
Are you [WAILS.]
Find the fucking playlist! I got it, I got it.
- [YELLS.]
- [PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Stop, she's allergic to lavender.
I don't know where to find I can't find I see it.
You want the one called "Having a fucking baby," right? [MUSIC STOPS.]
["HO HEY" PLAYING.]
- Hey! - Interesting.
- Fuck you! - Ho! Hey! [PANTING.]
- Ho! - I've been trying to get it right - Hey! - I've been livin' a lonely life - Ho! - I been sleepin' here instead - Your sister says you're a nurse? - Getting there.
Thank God.
She just doesn't seem emotionally prepared for this.
[SCREAMS.]
I wouldn't normally recommend a hospital transfer without an emergency, but I have serious concerns about her ability to do this.
No hospital.
Not yet.
I know you're trying to help, but I can get the husband to agree Look, I know this is hard.
She's been a pain in the ass my whole life.
[LINDA GROANING.]
I can't do this.
[SPEAKS SPANISH.]
Yes, you can, yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
She's just scared.
- I can't do this.
- I belong with you You belong with me You're my sweetheart I belong with you You're so close, okay? You can do this, mami.
You got it.
Each contraction is a hug from your baby.
[YELLS.]
I can't! You can.
You can.
Ho! It might have been - Okay.
- Ho! Took a bus to Chinatown Remember when you did that spin competition against that other shitty startup, and your team won? Hey! No, we didn't win.
Ho! We crushed them.
I belong with you You belong with me - You're my sweetheart - Beast mode.
- You are strong as fuck.
- I belong with you - You belong with me - I'm strong as fuck.
- You're strong as fuck.
- You're strong as fuck.
- I'm strong as fuck.
- You're strong as fuck.
- You're strong.
You're so fucking - [YELLING.]
You still wanna meditate through the pain? I do not, you little asshole.
- Ho - Let's have this baby.
We're bleedin' out I belong with you You belong with me You're my sweet Ho! Shawna? Shawna! [KNOCKING.]
Shawna! I'm down here.
Down where? - Three women? - In three months.
Do you know where she is? No, I I've been waiting here for hours.
Fuck, what do we do? [PHONE RINGS.]
[PHONE BUZZES.]
- Oh, my God! - Holy shit.
- She's in the hospital.
- She's in the hospital.
We have to go.
[BABY COOING.]
[SIREN WAILS.]
[WOMAN ON PA.]
Dr.
Court to the ER, stat.
Dr.
Court to the ER, stat.