Taskmaster (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Hello. I am Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster,
and I am the Taskmaster.
A while ago, I decided to ask
some well-known comedians
to do some extraordinary
things for me.
Because I am who I am,
they all agreed to take
part instantly,
and that's why we're
all here now.
They have no idea how each
other did, but they will soon find out.
I shall be judging both what
they did and how they did it.
My word is final, but at times
they will probably get really angry.
Let's meet them now.
He is a national treasure,
by which I mean
he's older than the others.
It's Frank Skinner!
He sounds a lot like Zippy
from Rainbow
It's Josh Widdicombe.
I genuinely once returned to my
flat to find her in my bed,
eating biscuits and watching
a documentary on Colditz.
It's Roisin Conaty.
He is the least experienced but the
most constantly angry of the contestants.
It's Romesh Ranganathan.
Sort of a poet, sort of a comedian,
sort of a hairstyle. Tim Key!
As always, I am both
aided and praised
by my personal assistant,
Alex Horne.
- So, Alex. You alright?
- Hello. Yes, yes.
Do you want to have some
banter with the host?
Yes, erm
You look ni-- It says you look very--
You look a little bit
like a security man.
On with the show.
Tell us about the first task.
OK. So, the first task, as
always, is the prize task.
Each of the contestants
tonight has brought in
one of their possessions
for the prize haul.
And whichever one you
judge to be the best
of those prizes will
get the first points.
It's supposed to genuinely
mean something to them.
- It's supposed to be important.
- It's bloody important, yep.
And this time you've asked them
to bring in their most valuable item.
Frank, tell us what
you've brought in.
I've brought a ring that
I purchased in
- It's a beauty.
- Woooo!
Lovely, it's gone very
The Price Is Right.
I bought it in 2001,
and I think I paid 600 quid for it.
£600 is a hell of a start
though, isn't it?
- Is it still worth £600?
- Well, we had it valued
It's now
Well, it's currently worth £3,995.
No way!
Whoa, whoa!
Yeah, yeah.
The whole game's not quite
so funny now, is it?
- It's worth £3,995.
- Basically £4,000.
Nearly four grand.
It's a hell of an opener.
That's I mean, to these people,
that's a lot of money.
Oh, God!
Josh, four grand is a lot to beat
Yeah, four grand is nothing
compared to mine,
because I have taken
the ultimate gamble,
and I have signed a blank cheque.
It could be whatever the
morals of the winner dictate.
Well, that's you well and
truly fucked then, isn't it?
I think this is also gonna be one
of those things that you think,
"funny idea" before the show, but
it's gonna backfire. I mean
No, I don't think Frank
Skinner is gonna
No, Frank doesn't need it, but
if I come to the other end
Hold it!
I don't need it, but I like the idea
of Josh no longer having it.
What's the maximum you can do?
- Twenty grand.
- Twenty grand.
- What?!
- I would do 20 grand.
NO!
You-- Hey, hey, hey--
"Oh, I'm
doing the most valuable!"
"I'm putting up a cheque!
Well, deal with it, bitch.
Roisin, we've already got
a winner in this round.
What have you brought in?
I've brought in a diamond ring.
Oooo.
Right, now. I don't want to sully
the atmosphere of this room
because you and I are friends,
but I know that's not
a diamond ring.
How much is it worth, Roisin?
Twelve pounds.
So, Roisin goes instantly
into last place.
So, that's fine. Romesh?
I have put up what is easily
the most valuable.
It's a Peugeot 407.
Wow!
No way!
Is it yours?
My wife gave it to me.
She doesn't know that I'm doing this.
How much is Romesh's car worth?
The car is worth, currently
It's worth £590, because
it's not a good car.
It's not a good car and
it's 14 years old.
Roisin comfortably still in last place.
Tim, what did you bring in?
I brought, um, eight copies of my book.
How much does your book retail at?
Well, I mean When it first went
on sale we were all fairly positive.
£8.99, I think. Do you know?
Yeah, they're currently on
for £3.50 on Amazon.
You can get them for £3.50.
But these are signed, are they?
I can sign 'em, yeah.
I signed my cheque!
Have we got any indication of how
much Tim's signature would add to the
I would say, in total, they're gonna
be between the £12 and the car.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of
that first round is Mr. Josh Widdicombe.
Which means that the
leaderboard looks like this.
Ladies and gentlemen, all of these prizes
will be taken home by the winner tonight.
Something they may come to regret.
They're on display up there.
Ladies and gentlemen, those are
our prizes up on the balcony.
Oooo!
Time for the first big task,
ladies and gentlemen.
Task one, proper.
Ooh, my
Wow!
What the
Exciting, isn't it?
Oh, mate, I used to dream about
stuff like this happening as a kid.
Aliens sending me mail.
"Get this boulder as far from
this place as possible."
"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."
Oh, my God.
Yes, at the Taskmaster mansion, I
had a massive boulder I wanted moving.
Why wouldn't I have a massive
boulder I wanted moving?
Let's see how Roisin Conaty
handled that challenge.
Hello, I was wondering if I could
order a courier, please?
I need the one after a
transit van, I reckon.
Or a transit van?
Do you reckon I'd get that
in a transit?
Camber Sands.
Um, bear with me one moment.
Will you map it and just
see how long it is?
There we go. Two hours.
No, I can't, sorry--
Can I not have it Camber
Sands, actually, sorry.
That's two hours away and I need it
to go somewhere that's an hour away.
Um, can I call you back
in five minutes?
- You've got, um
- Loads of time?
Forty-eight minutes left.
OK, let's go inside.
The thing is, though,
even if I order a courier,
they're not gonna get here in an hour.
Well, not if you don't call them.
Hello, I called a moment ago
about ordering a collection.
It's one sort of large item.
It's a boulder.
I'll call you back in two minutes,
then, just to confirm.
Is that alright? Sorry about that.
I just needed to check
Just to make sure that we've
got the quickest time.
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
How long will they be?
45 to 60 minutes.
Oh, right. You've got 32 minutes left.
I've just got two quick
questions for you.
Where is the boulder at this
stage in the challenge?
- Still in the garage.
- It's still in the garage.
Twenty-eight minutes have passed,
it's still in the garage.
And my second question is
Why was your first instinct to
take it to Camber Sands?
I'd been Googling Camber
Sands the day before.
What? Why had you been Googling it?
'Cause I wanted a day trip.
Were you taking the rock
back to its natural habitat?
Let's see what the master's got in store
for us in the second part of the challenge.
Oh! Oh dear
I've messed this up so bad.
So, after 28 minutes of debate,
and establishing that she would
ideally like to get it to Camber Sands,
Roisin then decided to
roll the boulder.
That was the plan B.
Alex, how far did Roisin
get the boulder?
In an hour, she moved the
boulder 300 yards.
It's 200,000 yards away, so just shy
- Just shy of Camber Sands.
- Just shy of the target.
I mean, I knew I'd made a mistake.
I tried to act on impulse,
without thinking.
I thought, "Just get a courier
and get it out!"
You tried to act on impulse and it
was still in the garage after 28 minutes?
Amazing.
I'm not a betting man, but I think
we've found our last place for this round.
OK, everyone, stop.
We're having a break.
See you in a minute
for the conclusion.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We missed you.
But enough of that.
On with the show.
Alex, who was next?
We're gonna have a look at
Romesh and Frank together
'cause they had slightly
more lateral thinking.
Is there a wheelbarrow
in the shed?
Yeah!
Can I get someone to
take this for me?
I'm thinking about
phoning up someone.
Could you search "van"
plus "driver hire"?
- I've got van Persie.
- Van Persie? No.
The man with a van
removal service in Chiswick.
OK, so it says, "Contact Mo."
Good morning. Um,
I'm trying to get a
a facsimile boulder onto a train.
It's a It's a boulder.
Here he is.
- Are you Mo?
- Yes.
Hello, Mo. Listen, I need
a massive favour.
I need to get that boulder as far
away from here as possible.
So if I put it in the
back of your van
We came from that direction,
so I just want you to head
You've got ten minutes to get it as
far away in that direction as possible.
Godspeed, Mo!
And it's already progress in that
they were moving whilst thinking.
He got just the luck of the
draw that he got a courier.
I phoned a lot of couriers,
Alex, you know I tried a lot.
Well, you phoned one courier,
and then you phoned them
back, and then you
Oh, no, and then you
phoned them back.
How many couriers did you try?
Two or three, I think?
On the third one, Mo came good?
Yeah, but I'm gonna be honest with you.
Mo was a nice guy, but he was a liar.
Like, he
He told me he was gonna
be five minutes.
Five minutes later, I call him,
he says ten minutes.
I say, "Mo, you get your
story straight,
then tell me when you're
gonna be here, man."
And how many minutes was it?
Well, he wheelbarrowed
it for 50 minutes,
and then put it in a van for ten,
and the other way around
would've been a lot quicker.
Well Yes, I know that!
Did you have to look at
the iPad for that fact?
No, listen, listen
You got a courier in 50 minutes.
He showed up to pick up a boulder
- It's an incredible turnaround.
- Do you know what he said to me?
When he turned up, he said,
"You'll never guess"
"Some crazy shithead wanted
me to go to Camber Sands."
Shall we see how Mo actually did?
Perhaps you're being unfair to
Mo. Perhaps he's nailed this for you.
I've put it on a map, exactly how
far your boulder went, Romesh.
You wheelbarrowed it for a mile in
50 minutes, which is quite impressive.
- Good work.
- That's impressive.
- While on the phone to Mo.
- Who then drove it for 2.4 miles.
Unfortunately, the direction
It's not great.
Do you understand why
I can't deal with Mo?
He's a f
Mo is a prick!
Before you give poor Mo any more
grief than you've already given him,
we all saw your instructions to Mo,
and you said, "Drive in
that direction."
So it's my fault?
- Yeah.
- You'd already turned left, yeah.
Just to be absolutely crystal clear,
all of this is your fault.
Just to say that Frank did
actually get on the train
- with the boulder, didn't you Frank?
- Mm-hm.
Yeah, that's commitment.
A man said to me, "What's that?"
And I said, "It's a boulder."
And he said
"What's a boulder?"
And he said, "Is it
like a big rock?"
And I thought that was the definition
I was grasping for, so I nodded.
How far did Frank get it?
Frank got it 6.5 miles to Feltham,
which is quite impressive.
Frank's in the lead at this point.
At this point, Frank is
in the lead, yeah.
Lovely. Shall we see how
Josh and Tim got on?
OK.
Well, I was thinking helium balloons.
- That's a good idea.
- And then it just goes.
Get a lot of distance.
How many helium balloons
would we need?
We'd need a lot.
And I just need to order a cab
As quickly as possible to arrive,
and then I'll pay for them to drive
for an hour west down the M4.
Oh, I think this is a good idea.
I think once it's up, it'll gather
momentum pretty quickly.
Do you want me to get it?
It's a shame, that.
Do you want to lift the other
side and we'll just
- Get it up?
- Yeah.
Just at least get it started.
- Ready?
- Yep.
One, two, three
I'm gonna have a Crunch Cream.
We need to put the rock on the van.
Please can you help me
put the rock on the van?
OK.
OK.
Here he is.
Thank you.
Twenty-seven minutes.
It's exciting, isn't it?
How long did you piss around
with those balloons?
Pissed around for about
half an hour, I think.
No, maybe 40 minutes.
Once Tim stopped all with the balloons,
how far did he get it in your van?
Once he put it on my van,
it went 2.3 miles,
which is just ahead of Romesh
because of the problems with Mo.
What I was most impressed
with with you, Josh,
was that you were totally unfazed,
and never at any point did you consider
moving the boulder yourself.
No, w-what
It's not a criticism.
I think you're like a general,
letting other people do the work.
I'd hate to say it,
but I think I'm probably
what makes Britain great.
You can see where it
was after an hour.
It's, uh It's in Windsor.
Ladies and gentlemen, a very
clear winner of that task.
A brilliant effort by all
of our contestants,
but the winner, very clearly,
Mr. Josh Widdicombe.
Alex, how are the scores looking?
I've updated the scoreboard.
We can see it up there.
Josh is well in the
lead at the moment.
- Oooh.
- So there we go.
What's the next task?
We can have a look at
the next task now.
"Grow the longest nail."
"You have ten weeks."
"Your time starts now."
Genuinely excellent news to me,
because I have strangely
long big toes.
That's right. A genuinely
disgusting task.
Let's see how they get on,
after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Now, before the break, we revealed
that our five contestants
have been competing to
grow the longest nail.
Frank, how'd you get on?
Would you like to have
a look at that, Greg?
I mean, I would like to
have a closer look,
but already from here
I'm disgusted.
Oh, 'cause you've got quite
feminine hands as well, so
Well, I've never done a
day's work in my life.
Is this a trick of the camera?
Have you actually substituted
Have you put a picture in
front of the camera
of a 60-year-old woman's thumb?
- It's 2.1 centimetres long.
- Frank is 2.1 centimetres.
Josh, can we see your nail?
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Could I just say
That this is probably the worst
thing you're ever gonna see.
It looks like an owl's foot!
It actually looks like talons.
Do you wanna touch it?
It looks like an old man's
thumb has been put onto
2.8 centimetres.
I mean, well done.
Cheers, mate.
Well done for living with that.
How did Roisin get on?
I bit mine.
Roisin crashes in at last place,
I would imagine.
1.8 centimetres.
1.8 centimetres for Roisin.
Romesh, what have
you got for us?
Lemme just show you.
There you go.
I've decorated it.
Oh, my God. It's curled over.
That's supposed to be like a face.
Why is it curled over?
Oh, my God! What
is wrong with you?
Well, I did, uh
That's supposed to be a face.
I thought if I put dots and a smile
A couple more weeks' growth and you're
gonna be able to hang from that.
Would you mind
measuring that, Romesh?
Not at all.
That is just the most horrifying
thing I've ever seen.
Oh, you can shut your mouth.
- 2.2 centimetres.
- Wow.
- Not as long as
- Impressive.
How did Tim get on?
I couldn't do this one.
For religious reasons?
No, but I've got a
note of exemption.
Do you want me to read it?
Yes, please.
"To whom it may concern, Tim Key
was employed as an actor
in Daniel Kitson's production of
Tree at the Old Vic Theatre in London."
"The character he portrayed was a nervous
man who would bite his nails anxiously."
"As such, he was unable to
undertake the task."
"Thank you, Jen. Jenefer Tait."
I saw Tree.
- Yeah, I was with you.
- You were with me that night.
"It's a fabulous play, I was
enthralled." The Guardian.
But you wore shoes throughout.
- Yes, I saw that.
- So you could've grown a toenail.
You have to have, like, a
backstory to the character.
And so I was biting them as well.
What were you hoping was gonna
come out of the whole excuse note thing?
Well, I thought there'd be, like,
a general voided round.
I'm not going through that
to have it voided off!
Without question, the winner of that
is Josh "Repulsive Feet" Widdicombe.
Alex, how has that affected
the scores?
Well, we're halfway, and
here's the scoreboard.
Josh is in the lead at the
moment. So, there we go.
What was next?
OK, let's have a look at the next task.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello, Alex.
- Hello.
How are you?
- Hello!
- Hello!
- Hi, Frank.
- Morning.
Shall I, uh
"Make this bed to a hotel standard
while holding hands."
"Your time ends when you
get into the bed."
"Fastest wins."
"Hold hands now"
Wait, I don't understand!
We've got to make the bed,
holding hands?
Do all three of us have to be
in a chain the whole time?
"Hold hands now. Your
time starts now."
- Good to see you, Frank.
- Good to see you.
I feel you've already
got an advantage.
Why?
Because I've put my right
hand out of action.
- You've got yours.
- Oh, but I'm left-handed.
Oh!
Then we've made a terrible error.
Terrible error.
How did we decide how to
group the people together?
It's kind of a maths thing again.
Frank and Tim, their ages,
they add up to a hundred,
as do the three of these guys.
I'm 24.
Start with the youngsters
Hang on! Shit, watch out!
It doesn't matter.
It's hotel standard! You
don't want tennis court on it.
We can dust it off.
I mean, they haven't said
which hotel, though,
'cause that's Travelodge all over, that.
- So you want this?
- OK, Rom?
- Yes, I've got it.
- Yeah?
- Got that?
- Yep, got it.
Wait, let me get
my corner. Ready?
- Got it?
- Got it. Definitely got it.
Wait, wait. I can help here.
You don't need to shake it.
Right, have a shake.
You just said,
"You don't need to shake!"
Now you want us to shake.
OK.
No, you're just
- What are you doing?!
- I'm trying to get the pillow on!
You're just moving the
sheet up and down the pillow.
The buttons are wrong!
The buttons are wrong.
- No, it's not.
- They are!
Why is there this loose
flap here? There's a hole
This is what's wrong with the world.
Let's just enjoy ourselves.
Come on, Rois! Put some
fucking effort in.
Right, done. Pillows!
Let me swap, then you do the pillows.
Let me hold Josh's.
I can go in the middle.
Auld Lang Syne. Right.
- I need to go--
- Wait, wait. There we go.
No, we want me in the middle.
You two let go of each other.
There you go, I'm in the middle. Go!
- No, I'm in the middle!
- Oh, are you in the middle?
OK.
Duvet first or pillows first?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God. Brilliant.
- Same again?
- I've dreamed of this moment.
- What do you mean
Bend your legs so we
can get the duvet over us.
- I'm stopping the clock.
- There we are.
I think that was alright.
That was really good going.
We were at a massive
disadvantage to these two.
No, no, no.
- Huge disadvantage.
- How were you at a massive disadvantage?
- You've got a third person.
- 'Cause there's three people.
You've got a third person whose
hands are both out of action,
and you're just dragging them
along. It's more difficult.
If you had a three-legged race,
that'd be easier than a
But you're suggesting that the person
in the middle is a hindrance.
Yes.
They held a massive advantage,
having three.
You have to keep moving people
around and putting them in the middle.
Yeah, but for a start, you had three
intelligent people to work on the task
Yeah.
We had one. Secondly
Secondly, wingspan is an advantage.
Yeah, in case you want to take
a quick fly in between the sheets.
I saw an albatross make a bed
like that in 34 seconds.
You're almost suggesting that a crab
would be better off without
its middle section.
- That's exactly what I'm saying.
- Yeah.
Let's see how two people got on.
If it's got gravel on it, is it still
made to a hotel standard?
Oh, my God!
This is gonna be the hardest
bit, isn't it? Getting under the mattress.
Was there a dog there
that we didn't notice?
I think so, yeah.
Is that a pillow?
- I got it, I got it.
- OK.
OK, here, you hold that.
Give me this hand and you
This is why conjoined twins just
use those double sleeping bags.
Won't be the first time I've
left saliva on a hotel pillow.
Oh, here it is. There it is.
Yeah, this is gonna be
Look, if I take the other corner
OK, I'm gonna go in here.
Hang on, hang on.
- If you give me that corner inside
- No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, that'll be good.
This is what you
need to do, isn't it?
Wait, wait, wait.
Is it in? I think it's in.
Don't let go of my hand.
OK. I don't know why
you're not on the bed.
I think we need to start buttoning.
- "Bottling"?
- "But-ton-ing"!
Oh, now we've got a
language problem.
You start buttoning at that end,
I'll start buttoning at this end
I can't button with just one Can I?
You can use your thigh
as a buttoning table.
What was that phrase, Frank?
"You can use your thigh
as a buttoning table."
Thank you.
- That's fine, isn't it?
- Don't be fussy, Frank.
I'd be happy to walk into a hotel
and see that. Are we done?
I'm not sure if you've
read the task properly.
- Oh, we lie in the bed!
- We have to get into it!
Do we have to get to sleep?
Stop the clock!
- Good night, Tim.
- Good night, Frank.
I'm tempted to give an extra point
for "Good night, Frank."
It was genuinely a lovely
sweet moment.
Who did it the fastest? Let's
give it to the winners based on that.
Two points each for the winners
depending on who made it the fastest.
They were both a high
standard, as far as I'm concerned.
Well, the children took 16
minutes and 3 seconds.
Incredible.
The grown-ups, 10 minutes
and 57 seconds.
Well, there you go.
Clear winners.
Alex, what are the scores?
OK. Well, if we have a look here,
you can see the leader is
Mr. Josh Widdicombe.
I've got this. Time for another task!
- How are you?
- Good, thanks.
Ooh.
"Make this Swedish person blush."
"Make this Swedish pershon"
I've already got the accent.
"Make this Swedish person
blush as deeply"
"Make this Swedish person
blush as deeply as possible."
- Are you Swedish?
- Yeah.
I love Swedes.
"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."
My God, that's impossible.
Um
Josh, my feeling is, just from
that tiny little moment there,
that you are the most
uncomfortable with this task.
It was the worst ten
minutes of my life.
Let's see the tension between
Josh and a Swedish man?
What's the most
So, let's talk about
embarrassment, then.
- Mm-hm.
- Have you ever had sex?
Yeah.
Have you seen any of the
Emmanuelle movies?
No.
OK. Do you
How do you imagine Alex
Horne's naked body?
Never.
- But you are now.
- Yeah, I am now.
Yeah, so what are you
picturing now?
How do you feel about
communal showers?
No problem with that, no.
- No?
- No.
It's quite weird, 'cause it's
difficult to know what
So, who would be your
dream celebrity to bed?
- No idea, actually.
- There's no celebrities you fancy?
Not really.
- Claudia Winkleman?
- Don't know.
You don't know who
Claudia Winkleman is?
Um
He's a tough nut to crack.
Thanks, Josh.
No worries. That was the
toughest task yet.
That's not helped. Oh, no.
See you later.
Do you fancy Claudia Winkleman?
Let's not go into that.
Well, they're interesting frames
of sexual reference for you.
Alex Horne, the Emmanuelle films
They are 1970s soft porn films.
Uh, communal showers
and then the leap to Claudia
Winkleman intrigued me.
I'm sweating so much now.
Let's see how Frank and
Romesh got on.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Will you do whatever
I ask you to do?
- Probably not.
- Probably not?
What kind of things make you
blush, would you say?
Don't know.
What about if somebody speaks
to you really close up?
Don't you find that a bit strange?
Your ears are completely
devoid of hair.
- What are you like with physical contact?
- Oh, that's fine. Yeah.
That makes you feel weird?
Fred, I'm worried that I'm
getting a bit of a pot belly.
What do you think?
Fine.
Is there a reason you're not
making eye contact with me?
Not really, no. I could
make eye contact
Now we're getting on, aren't we?
We're really getting on.
I have a surprisingly bulbous vein
on my private parts.
But it almost exactly resembles
the point where the A40 joins the A315.
I once got it out in a park
to explain to a lady directions. And
it led to a court case.
How does that make you feel?
Yeah.
I mean, I've got no idea.
I mean, I'm either gonna make him
blush or I'm gonna sleep with him.
I don't know
which one it's gonna be.
You know what I'm talking
about, though, don't you?
Fred, I think you might
have beaten me.
I've got 30 seconds
to embarrass you.
Here comes the nuzzle.
You ready for the nuzzle?
Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle!
Come on, Fred Freddie
- I'm sorry.
- No worries.
I can only apologise.
- That was just for the task, you know?
- Yeah, yeah.
But if you want to go for a drink
or whatever, let me know.
I mean, so desperate.
Yeah, I'm not proud of that.
I mean, you look proud of it.
I thought we got on. I really
thought we did.
But what was disappointing
was how little he blushed,
and so the thing is that I realised
I was just touching him a lot.
And he wasn't blushing at all.
And so I just thought,
"I'm just groping a dude now."
"I'm not achieving anything
in the task."
It was horrible.
See, I thought that he was blushing,
but only from the neck down.
Was anyone else surprised
Frank Skinner's
got the belly of a
15-year-old boy?
Powerful homoeroticism.
I really enjoyed it.
Be interesting to see if a poet
comes in at a different angle.
Let's have a look at Tim.
Say something in Swedish.
Um Could you say something else?
OK, can you say in Swedish,
"This is my apartment"?
"Make yourself comfortable."
"I'm going to pour us
both some sherry."
I want you to say, "I like"
Can you say, "I like to"
Hang on. Let me get this right.
"I like to parade around in
my little denim shorts."
Are you blushing?
Say, "When I get half a chance"
"I like to parade around in my
little denim jeans waving"
- Have you ever been handcuffed?
- No.
- You ever been whipped?
- No.
- Smothered in chocolate?
- No.
- Licked?
- No.
- Kicked?
- No.
- Kissed?
- No.
Look at me.
Yes.
Don't look at my lips.
I wish I'd kissed him.
If I had my chance again.
I'd go and just blow on his lips.
But actually, looking at it,
I think he was blushing.
I'll just write that down.
"If I'd had my chance again"
"I would have blown on his lips."
Yeah, it's a strange regret to have.
Really strange.
Let's see if the woman in the group
took a different approach.
Have you ever met anyone
with three breasts?
No.
Would you like to see someone
with three breasts?
Yeah.
What about four?
Is that too many?
Yeah, that's too much.
- Three's OK?
- Three is OK.
Four, out of the question.
OK, what about if you put your
head in between your legs?
Not for dirty reasons.
Just to colour it up.
- Yeah.
- Get a flush going.
So, four breasts is too much?
Yeah.
- Three's sufficient.
- Yeah.
Where would you have the third?
In the middle or round the back?
In the middle.
Alright. Same size,
or just a mini one?
Oh, why not a mini one?
Yep, getting there.
Whoa!
Thank you.
I think I'm gonna go with
that as my finished
You're stopping with
four minutes to go?
That's fine. Thank you
very much, Fredrik.
- Thank you.
- You went very very red.
Roisin's the only person
who thought to physically
make him go red, by applying
science, in a way.
And I'm glad you thought of that,
because I would argue
that without that,
mentioning a withered back-
breast might not have
may not have done it.
I was trying to unnerve him.
I didn't want to be sexual.
I'm not very good at being sexy,
so I was just trying to unnerve him.
Just make him feel like, "Oh, I
don't know what she's gonna say!"
Yeah, like you've got a
mini tit on your back.
I wanted him to look
worried that I might,
sort of get, you know,
a back-boob out.
Thank God you used science.
I suspect you may have
nailed this, but Alex
- Show us the blush chart.
- Roisin did make him go the reddest.
Josh got him to Jasmine Shimmer.
Then it's Cherry Blossom for Tim,
Fantasy Rose for Frank,
Puce for Romesh,
and Ballet Slipper slash
Sangria from Roisin.
Those are the exact bits,
so Roisin wins.
So the winner is Old
"Me Back Tit" Conaty.
Remember, someone is
walking out of here
with a cheque for probably £20,000,
and a ring worth almost £4,000.
And a cheap, shit ring.
See you after the break for the final
part of the show and the final task.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where one of these comedians
will be driving home in Romesh's
absolutely rubbish car.
Alex, who's in the lead so far?
OK, so, Josh and Frank
have both got 16 points.
Some of our comics can't win
now, but very much playing for pride.
Shall we get Roisin to
read out the task?
Why not. Would you
mind reading that out?
Have I been reduced to admin now?
Yes, you have. Yes.
- It's just to make you feel a bit more special.
- Right.
"Blow up the biggest balloon
whilst blindfolded."
"You have 100 seconds
and one balloon."
- Simple task.
- It's a good task.
So you've got exactly 100 seconds
to blow the biggest balloon you can
from the moment that Alex
blows the whistle.
Yeah, there are a couple of things.
You only have one balloon.
At the end of the hundred seconds,
the balloon must be tied.
And if the balloon does burst,
it won't be the biggest bubble.
I'm absolutely terrified of
blowing up balloons.
You idiot. So, it's time to
Can I say, we are tightly
locked in the lead,
and he's asthmatic and he's
frightened of balloons.
I'm feeling good.
Are you more or less
frightened of balloons
than of physical contact
with another man?
Oh, I'd prefer contact
with another man to
Hold on, do we have a choice now?
You didn't say that before.
Do we have to tie the end?
So, shall we start?
So, if you want to don
your blindfolds now, please.
- Balloons are being handed out now.
- If you hold out your hands.
Can I ask you,
is this upside down?
No, that's alright.
You're fine, you're good.
OK, there's your balloon.
If you drop a Swedish guy's
testes into my hand
Just to remind you, you must
tie the balloon at the end,
and then hold it in front of
you with the knot down.
Could I just check everyone
else is still here?
Why don't you put your
hand out behind Roisin
and see if you can feel a little
breast? Then you'll know.
Oh, I'm loving this.
Start the competition.
Oh, lovely! Come on!
You have one minute left.
- One minute left.
- One minute left!
I'm terrified!
Oh, my God!
You've got to keep your nerve.
How many seconds left, Alex?
They have 40 seconds left.
Forty seconds!
You must tie the balloon.
Frank is tying, Frank is tying.
It's very early to be tying!
You've got 25 seconds left.
25 seconds left!
They are struggling
with the balloons.
Stop! Stop this. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
What's happening?
You've got ten seconds.
- Ten seconds!
- Four, three
One big last cheer,
ten seconds left.
You must hold your
balloon at the side now.
I'll just That's fine.
And that
That was one of the most terrifying
things that's ever happened to me.
You may now take your
blindfolds off.
Oh, well, I've had a nightmare.
I think it's safe to say
Widdicombe has blown his lead.
Can you all retake your
chairs, please?
Ladies and gentlemen,
the balloon blowers.
Welcome back. Incredibly
tense balloon task.
Alex, who won the task?
In a lovely way, Roisin won the task.
She won the honour back,
so well done Roisin.
Roisin Conaty!
- Well done.
- Thank you. Thanks, guys.
Really, really nice
balloon-blowing.
I was quite patronising when
I said that, but I didn't mean to,
I was just pleased for your honour.
It's 'cause you'd done so
badly in the all the others.
That's what I'm Yeah.
Tim came second, although
Tim didn't tie the balloon
during the 100 seconds.
Oh, dear.
- That is a shame.
- Sorry. So, what happens there?
I mean, you don't get any
points in that round.
Josh Widdicombe came last,
with a tiny little balloon.
Well, of course he did.
Did you see the size of it?
I was hoping that I'd be the
only one that didn't pop.
Romesh came second-last and
Frank Skinner came third.
Wow.
But let's see how that has
affected the final scores,
because someone is going
home with a car, a ring,
and a whole lot of money.
Alex, can you reveal
the final scores?
OK. Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
winner of Taskmaster,
Mr. Frank Skinner.
How do you feel?
Oh, fanta-- Is the car still
registered in your name?
Yeah.
Maybe I'll do a hit-and-run
on the way home.
I mean, why wouldn't you?
Well, thank you, everyone.
Especially to you, Alex.
Thank you.
Um, that's what it says.
And Frank Skinner will now
go and collect his prizes.
There you go, that's the end of
the show. Thank you for watching.
Don't forget: the humblest of tasks
get beautified if loving hands do them.
Never forget that.
Good night. And well done,
Mr. Frank Skinner!