Ted (2024) s01e05 Episode Script
Desperately Seeking Susan
1
[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]
My words are lazy,
my thoughts are hazy ♪
But this is one
thing I'm sure of ♪
Everybody needs a best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
Night and party every day ♪
I wanna rock and roll all night ♪
[COUGHING]
Thanks, buddy.
You know, I used to think
the words to this song were,
"I want to rock and roll all
night and part of every day."
Like like, they're
only going to rock and roll
for, like, a portion of the
day and also take time out
for things like meals and, you know,
time with family and children.
There's a lot going
on with this song, man.
This is a rock and
roll song about wanting
to enjoy a rock and roll song.
Does that actually make
it a rock and roll song?
You know what, I'll do you one better.
- Ready to get mind fucked?
- Give it to me.
The song the "Monster Mash"
is a song about a dance called
the Monster Mash, which is based
on a song called the
"Monster Mash," which is not
the song the "Monster Mash."
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
I don't want to be high anymore.
Well, kids make all kinds
of messes, don't they?
One time when he was eight, John stole
a hot dog from the store.
He put it in his pocket.
And it went through the wash.
[LAUGHING] No.
It came out in one piece.
Isn't that amazing?
Oh, God was smiling on us that day.
[ELECTRICITY ZAPS]
Oh, for Christ's sakes.
Susan!
Holy shit.
Did we die?
Yeah, I think
I think we died.
I'm sorry, Matty.
I plugged in the eggbeater.
Why are you using the eggbeater
when I'm watching "Star Search"?
I was making us brownies.
Now I'm not going to know who
the new stars are going to be.
Well, I don't have to finish them.
I'll just throw the batter out.
Well, if you already started them,
you might as well finish them.
Okay.
I gotta go reset the breaker.
Out of my way, Johnny.
Oh, my God.
They can see us. We must still be alive.
Oh, wow, a second chance.
Okay, this time, you be the cute
one, and I'll be the hot one.
Okay.
Breaker is busted.
Oh, man. Really?
Matty, is it all right?
Oh, breaker is shot to hell.
I'll have to call the
guy in the morning.
So we don't have power till tomorrow?
Yes, Susan. That's what
a busted breaker means.
Well, this isn't so bad.
We could light some
candles, play some games,
maybe read aloud to each
other from our favorite books.
Or we could take a Sharpie and circle
the parts on each other's bodies
we think need improvement.
[LAUGHS] That sounds more fun.
Shut up, you guys.
Sus, yes. That sounds like a great idea.
- Let's go find the games.
- Okay.
Be careful, Blaire.
There's a gun down here somewhere.
But I don't remember where it is.
That's comforting.
Let's see now.
I think there's a Trivial
Pursuit in one of these boxes.
Why is the floor wet?
I know, we're supposed
to get that fixed.
But I like to come down
here during the summer
and cool my feet.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, sweetie.
- Hey, all right.
- Hey, there we go.
Box was working just fine.
Well, it wasn't when I was down there.
- I don't know what to tell you.
- It's okay, honey.
We know you were scared of the spider.
What the fuck are you talking about?
There was a spider on the box.
He's always been scared of the spiders.
Wait, you were just going
to fucking let us sit here
and read aloud from books?
Screw all of you.
Matty, why?
I'm not scared of the
goddamn spider, Susan.
The breaker wasn't working.
I'm going down to Trammell's.
And he pulls the fucking
ripcord, just like always.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Any time you're losing
an argument, you leave.
You just walk out the door.
Matty, honey. You can't leave.
You haven't made stool yet today.
Jesus Christ, Susan.
Well, the doctor says if
it's been more than two days,
you need to call him.
I did it yesterday. It was a good one.
Like a mother hen crowing over her egg.
You all watch this.
When he comes back, everyone's
going to apologize to him
because he's manipulating
the circumstances to make it
seem like he's the victim.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
told them about the spiders.
- No, see? This is what I'm talking about, okay?
- I'm so sorry.
He's the one acting like a whining baby.
He should be apologizing to you.
I shouldn't have embarrassed him, okay?
I think it's cute that
you're scared of the spider.
I'm not scared of spiders!
God, this is so fucked.
This is just classic
dysfunctional, fucked up,
white trash marriage.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
What do you mean, what?
Your wife is trying to engage with you.
And you're dismissing
her like an asshole.
And you do it all the time.
Susan, am I an asshole?
Oh, of course not, Matty.
- You're a veteran.
- See?
You think they'd send
an asshole to Vietnam?
Weren't you dishonorably discharged?
No, I wasn't dishonorably discharged
or honorably discharged.
How the hell does that work?
Just exactly like I just said.
So the army basically
said, it's not you.
- It's us.
- That's right.
We're not sure we're
ready to have anybody
- in the army right now.
- More or less.
The army just wants to focus
on the army for a while.
See? He gets it.
Aunt Sus, he is so fucking
disrespectful to you.
And you never stick up for yourself.
I swear to God, you guys
need marriage counseling.
Oh, fuck that.
What's the matter? Are
you scared of therapy too?
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, it's on, fuckers.
I'm not going to pay some
shrink 80 bucks to sit there
and show me inkblots
that all look like priests
with their dicks out.
Well, I think that's already progress.
- Huh?
- Look, I have a proposal.
I've saved up a little money
working extra shifts at the coffee shop.
As my Christmas gift to
you and Susan this year,
I will pay for one
marriage counseling session.
All you got to do is show up.
Oh, Matty, can we?
Jesus, Susan.
What will we even talk about?
Oh, we can talk about how
much we love each other.
Okay. You know what? Fine.
We'll go, just to show you
that you're full of shit,
and Susan and I have a great marriage.
In fact, you know what,
let's go right now.
It's not open at 9:00 p.m.
Oh.
And the bullshit begins.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Now, of course, the most
well-known singularity
in Frost poem is the repetition of,
"And miles to go before I sleep,"
which refers not to literal sleep
but to death and the overwhelming
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Is there something you'd like to
share with the class, Miss Lyons?
We were just wondering if
your pants are big enough.
Excuse me?
It just seems like there's a little
fashion emergency going on.
Did you get your pants
from the lost and found?
Yeah, these pants are a little big.
They were my dad's.
Why am I wearing my dead
father's pants, you ask?
Because I've moved
back in with my mother.
My wife left me two weeks
ago for a racquetball teacher.
- Happy now?
- God, chill out.
It was a joke.
I'd love to chill out, Erin.
I really would.
But you know what, life
has other plans for me.
My wife says he makes eye contact
with her when they make love.
With me, it's either eye
contact or an erection.
You have to choose one.
And silly me, I thought the
right choice was the erection.
Well, I had a 50/50 shot, didn't I?
Turns out she wants eye contact.
And now that I've moved
back in with Mother,
I have to masturbate into the
toilet because my bed squeaks.
Of course, if you ask my ex-wife,
the toilet is where Mr.
George's sperm belongs.
Now there's a joke, Erin.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Mr. George, can we have
a talk in my office?
Gee, I wonder what this is about.
Everyone, please read pages 81 to 96.
I'm kidding. I don't give a shit.
I think that's enough
emotional trauma for the day.
Why don't you kids go home early?
[EXCITED CHATTER]
Man, that was insane, huh?
Yeah. Those cheerleaders are mean.
That's that's what you got from that?
Well, at least we got the afternoon off.
- Street hockey?
- Street hockey.
Fuck yeah.
All right, this is it, baby.
- You're going down.
- Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr.
Take your best shot.
Oh!
And Bennett chokes in the
final seconds of the game.
This is an absolute disgrace.
- Ah, shit.
- Look at the disappointed faces on all
these Make-A-Wish
kids who only wanted
to see a Bruins victory.
Teddy
This is a stunning upset fueling
an anger the fans will no
doubt take out on their wives.
- And I got to say, Don
- Shut the fuck up, all right?
- I got to ask you something.
- What?
Do you think Blaire is right?
Like, do my parents have
a fucked up marriage?
Well, that's one of those
tough to answer questions,
Johnny, like where did you find
Teddy bear sized hockey gear?
I just don't know.
And if they are having problems,
is any of it my fault?
I mean, what can I do?
Well, I'm just brainstorming.
But it seems like,
maybe, hurting yourself
could teach him a lesson.
Gee, I never thought of that.
Then I'd be in charge of the pain.
- Exactly.
- Only I know what I deserve.
And I'd give myself just that much.
Yeah, you know, I'm just now starting
to see some cracks in this.
Hey, how'd it go?
I paid 80 bucks for that session,
and you just fucking walked out?
That quack had it in for me
the second I walked in that door.
You know what he said?
You know what he said?
- He said I'm selfish.
- Oh, shocker.
Yeah, he said, I need
to compromise more.
Can you believe that fucking shit?
I'm working a 60-hour week just
to keep a roof over our heads.
He does work a lot.
See? Even she gets it.
Everything I do, I do it for you.
Wait, so you're saying,
you can't tell me
it's not worth trying for.
- Exactly.
- Like, I can't help it.
- There's nothing I want more.
- See?
You know it's true.
Oh, my God.
- Shit, I can't believe he said it.
- Oh, fucking amazing.
- What?
- It's Bryan Adams.
Oh, what a treat. What a treat.
Matty, the whole point of this was
for you to get a neutral
perspective on your marriage.
He was not neutral.
He agreed with everything she said.
And he took a shit on everything I said.
So let me get this straight.
So no one's neutral unless they
agree with you all the time.
- Got it.
- The guy's a Harvard fancy pants.
He doesn't understand regular guys.
The bartender down at
Trammell's always thinks I'm right.
In fact, he just said to me last night,
"You've made your point.
You can go home now."
Okay. So let's figure this out.
If Dr. Feldstein's not
neutral, then who would be?
Who would you accept
as a neutral arbiter?
Someone with no fucking agenda.
Like Ted.
- Ted?
- Yeah, he's an even guy,
minds his own business.
He's neutral.
That's an interesting idea.
So you'd accept Ted
as a neutral arbiter?
Absolutely.
Fuck it. What do you say, Ted?
About what?
Sorry. I was doing these Mad Libs.
- Four score and seven cocks ago.
- [LAUGHS]
That's better than the real one.
Focus.
Would you be willing to listen
to Susan and Matty's sides
and then make an
objective judgment call?
What do you mean, like
a like a therapist?
Not therapy, just listening.
Oh, Blaire. It's all right
if he doesn't want to.
I can just watch "Oprah."
And maybe they'll have a
topic that applies to me.
Will you do it?
Well, in the words of Abraham Lincoln,
a diarrhea divided against
itself cannot John's wiener.
Oh, come on, man. Don't put that.
Okay. I'll erase it.
You know, the suit wasn't necessary.
Blaire, please.
Johnny is my best friend.
He's got a stake in this.
So if I'm doing it, I'm doing it right.
Now let's start with the basics.
Would you classify your marriage
as sexually satisfying?
What?
How often would you say
you have intercourse?
That's none of your goddamn business.
Look, why don't we just stick
Every six months.
Every six months.
And what about anal?
- Dude, seriously.
- Jesus Christ.
We do like the room to be clean.
Yeah.
She said, yes.
Hilarious.
Okay, now I want you
to turn to each other
and say the meanest
thing you can think of.
Ted, why don't you ask them something
productive like how they met,
what originally drew them to each other?
All right.
Matty, what originally
attracted you to Susan?
Her innocence.
Oh, okay.
What?
I thought
I already wrote it's
it's fine.
Susan.
His heart.
His heart.
When Matty and I first met,
he bought us tickets to
see Simon & Garfunkel.
It was a Friday.
And he'd been working since 6:00 a.m.
Poor Matty was so tired.
Well, if there's any
cure for being tired,
it's Simon & Garfunkel.
We'd never seen them up close.
So when we got there, Matty realized
that Garfunkel was a man.
- So we had to leave.
- Wait, why?
Two men shouldn't be singing harmony.
Dad, I thought you liked Hall & Oates?
- That's different.
- Why?
Because they sing in unison.
Or they take turns, one
and then the other one.
- That's okay.
- What about Crosby, Stills & Nash?
They're all right for now.
But I'm keeping my eye on them.
You're a complicated man.
I'm still waiting for the heart part.
Well, we got in the car.
And Matty drove home, and
he got his record player.
And he took me to Boston Common.
And we had a picnic on the lawn while we
listened to Sonny & Cher.
And he bought me a rose.
And he danced with me
right there on the grass.
- You remember that?
- Of course I do.
Matty, you did that?
Yeah.
It was beautiful.
She was this wicked smart college girl.
And I wanted to impress her.
See? I'm a good guy.
That prick fuck shrink was way off.
So fuck everybody.
Mom, I didn't know you went to college.
Yeah, me neither.
What did you study?
Well, I was going to teach.
You were going to be a teacher?
Susan, that's amazing.
I'd gotten my credentials.
And I was all ready to apply for a job.
And then I got married.
Why couldn't you do both?
Well, it just didn't seem practical
with the groceries and the laundry.
Well, I mean, have you ever
thought of going back to it?
I think you'd be great.
Oh, no, no.
That was a long time
ago. No, I couldn't.
Susan, I really think you could do this.
Jesus! She said she's not interested.
Should I make some chocolate milk?
Oh, yeah. Chocolate milk.
- Chocolate milk.
- No, Susan.
- For God's sake.
- Therapy over.
We're doing chocolate milk now.
Guys, come on.
This woman does everything
for all of us in this house.
And nobody ever does a
goddamn thing for her.
And now she's sitting here telling us
- something that's important.
- That's horse shit. I do a ton of stuff.
You?
What do you do for Susan?
I pay for everything she owns and eats.
Okay, how about we
all just sit with what
Matty just said, while Susan
gets on that chocolate milk?
I'll get that for you.
Well, I think I just proved my point
that this marriage is perfect.
Yeesh, I couldn't say
this in front of them.
But they were both clearly molested.
Guys, believe it or not,
I think we did great.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We just found out Susan has no
identity outside this family.
I mean, she's a wife. She's a mother.
But that's it.
She could be so much more.
And it's so obvious that
deep down, she wants to be.
You got all that from
her saying she does anal?
Man, you should be
the pretend therapist.
I mean, I hear you, Blaire.
But what are we supposed to do?
I don't know yet.
But somehow, we got to
help her find her voice.
I mean, we're the only
ones that can do it.
Couldn't agree more, Blaire.
Delusional narcissist.
Excuse me?
Note to self, stop
saying what you write.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
God, look at her.
- She's so fucking hot.
- Yeah.
Too bad she's a bitch.
I don't even care.
She could treat me like crap.
I'd still let her jerk me off.
Oh, you should tell her, Johnny.
- I'm sure she'd love to hear it.
- All right, fuck you, man.
No, really, what a feather in her cap.
Hey, I'm just saying,
hypothetically, if she asked,
I would say yes.
That's what she's telling
her friend right now.
She's saying, see that kid
over there in Lee jeans?
I want to bring him to climax.
But will he let me?
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Andrew. Hey, Polly.
Did you hear what
happened to Mr. George?
- No, what?
- He got fired.
No shit. Why?
They caught him in the faculty lounge
screaming at his own dick.
Oh, that's what that was.
Yeah, I heard yelling coming
out of there yesterday.
You're not going to let me fuck?
I'm not going to let you pee!
Well, do they have
someone to replace him?
I don't know. I think
they're trying to find a sub.
- Teddy.
- What?
- They're looking for a sub.
- Yeah, so?
So what about Mom?
- Susan?
- Yeah. Why not?
I mean, you remember what Blaire said,
no one ever does anything for her.
I mean, yeah. But you really want
your mother teaching your class?
I mean, you remember what
happened to Todd Greene?
He yelled goodbye to his mother.
And now he's got to eat
lunch with the janitor.
- I don't care.
- People are shitting in his desk.
Look, Teddy. We got to at least try.
Let's go talk to the principal.
Well, I have to admit,
we're in a bit of a bind here.
Does Mrs. Bennett have any
prior teaching experience?
Well, no, but she's
got all her credentials.
- I see.
- Oh, she's the one who taught me how
to use the bathroom by myself.
- Yeah, last August, right?
- Oh, shut up, man.
- Fuck you.
- All right, man.
- What's that?
- I don't fucking know.
Do you know if your mother would
be willing to take this on for what
may be an indefinite period?
I mean, she has always
wanted to be a teacher.
She just couldn't because
she had to do laundry.
There's a lot of laundry so
I know she'd do a wicked good job.
Okay, listen. How about this?
You hire her.
And the next time there's
an anti-drug assembly,
and they ask for questions,
I will ask a question.
- Teddy, don't. What, are you crazy?
- Quiet, John, quiet.
I will ask a question of the speaker.
No one has ever asked
a question at assembly.
I will ask one.
- A real question?
- Yes.
Not like a, can we see your
nipple, kind of question,
like, a real one.
Like, how can I help ensure
my school remains drug-free?
Like, who should I tell if
I suspect a peer is on drugs?
- Good God.
- Teddy, no, no.
- Shut up, John.
- It's not worth it.
Shut up. This is for Susan!
You have your deal.
And may God have mercy on your soul.
Now get out of this office
before I kick your ass myself.
- Yes, ma'am, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
God, I love this job.
BOTH: And that's
the monster mash ♪
What do you think? Is it a hit?
I just told you.
There's already a song
called the "Monster Mash."
Oh, no, Blaire. Jesus Christ.
Look at the diagram again.
So this song the "Monster
Mash" was inspired by this dance
the Monster Mash.
But the song the "Monster Mash,"
which is about the
dance the Monster Mash,
which was inspired by the
song the "Monster Mash"
is not the song the
"Monster Mash," all right?
That song does not
exist in our universe.
Ever since 1962, we have been
living in the outer circle.
And we don't even know it.
Teddy and I have written the
song the "Monster Mash"
Which will take our reality
to the innermost circle
for the first time in
the history of the cosmos.
All we need is $2,000 for studio time.
I'll save you the time right now.
Nobody in 1993 is going
to give a shit about a song
- called the "Monster Mash."
- Why not?
Because all the good music now
is about shit that matters,
people with real stories.
I mean, don't you
guys listen to hip-hop?
Okay, okay, how about this?
BOTH: And that's the monster mash ♪
It's hard being Black ♪
John.
Hey, Mom.
I just got a call from the principal.
Really?
They want me to take
over for Mr. George.
- They do?
- Yeah.
And, John, they said it was your idea.
Is that true?
Are you mad?
No, no.
I'm just overwhelmed.
Well, you're going to do it, right?
Well, I don't know.
Oh, my God.
You have to say yes.
This is your chance.
Well, if I'm working, then
who's going to let the mailman
in to use the bathroom?
Listen to me.
This is about you doing
something for yourself.
Well, if it's what you want.
No, Jesus. It's not about me.
It's about what you want.
This was your dream. I mean, come on.
You got to give yourself
a chance to see it through.
You're not embarrassed to have
your mother teaching your class?
I already walk around
school with my Teddy bear.
I think I'll be fine.
Oh, John.
- Thank you.
- Okay, oh, God.
- Oh, Jesus, Ma.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, I'm so excited. I'm all flushed.
I'm going to go stand
in the basement water.
John, you did that for her?
Well, yeah.
You know, you said nobody ever
does anything for her so
Yeah, you know, we're
not all about smoking weed
and scouring the beaches of the world
looking for the perfect wave.
We care.
It's increasingly possible
that the two of you
might not be total fuck-ups.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZES]
I'm okay!
I'm okay.
Susan, get out of the basement!
I'm watching TV.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
♪
[SIGHS]
Good morning, everyone.
Hi.
I'm your substitute
teacher, Mrs. Bennett.
Fuck yeah. Great start.
[LAUGHS] I'm a little new at this.
So I hope you'll be patient with me.
I was told you're
studying American poets
of the early 20th century.
Is that right?
Yeah, yeah. That's right.
Okay. Now let's see.
It looks like Mr. George
left off with T.S. Eliot.
Yeah?
Okay, well, you know, I
have a very special place
in my heart for T.S. Eliot.
He wrote those wonderful
poems about cats.
And when I was a little
girl, whenever I'd get sick
and I'd stay home in bed,
my mother would read me those poems.
They always made me feel better.
[LAUGHTER]
Did I say something funny?
You're saying you're a cat lady?
Yes, yes.
I guess I am a cat lady.
Well, that explains the blouse.
The blouse?
Does it look okay?
Yeah, it looks great.
Actually, my grandma has
curtains in her bathroom.
And I think that they
might be the same pattern.
Oh, what a funny coincidence.
- Leave her alone, Erin.
- Yeah.
Some of us are here to learn.
Aren't you the guy who asked
the question at assembly?
A lot of people wanted to
know about the long-term
side effects of drugs.
Mrs. Bennett, did you pick
out the blouse yourself?
Yeah.
"Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats."
Did you pick out the skirt yourself too?
I did. Is there something
wrong with my skirt?
I mean, not unless
you're someone who thinks
Marshalls is too pricey.
Hey, Erin.
Hi. Ted.
We've never officially
talked. But I know your work.
Listen, I think Susan's
doing a terrific job.
So I figured this is a good time
to tell you, we all
know about the nose job
you had last year.
You didn't fool anybody.
Because we all remember
before the surgery
when you tried to kiss Danny Santucci,
and you poked his eye out.
Also, and everybody in
town knows this except you.
Your dad is really your uncle,
which may have subconsciously
fucked you up and caused you
eating disorder, which is also
no secret because everybody's
heard you throwing up in the bathroom.
And also, I recently found out you're
a virgin, which is
interesting, because you've
been lying about that too.
So I hope you do give
your boyfriend fellatio
because at least then there's something
going down your throat
besides your finger.
That about cover it?
Jesus Christ, Teddy.
Sorry. We don't do
enough for Susan at home.
So I felt obligated to say those things.
[SOBBING]
Well, go ahead, Susan.
Well, go ahead and read
"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock."
I'll be right back.
You know, before Mrs. B., I didn't
care nothing about reading.
But she opened my eyes.
These poems really are
just like rap songs.
Oh, sweetie.
Are you okay?
I'm a total fucking loser!
Oh, honey.
No, no, you're not.
You're a very special girl.
I just know it.
I'm a fucking disaster.
My whole life is an
absolute fucking mess.
You're 16.
Your life hasn't even started yet.
You can still be anyone you want to be.
I'm sorry I was such a bitch.
You know, when I was your age,
I used to think my ears were too big.
And then one day I saw
a picture in a magazine
of a girl with a deformed
ear because her mother smoked
while she was in the womb.
It was awful.
It was like a little piece of popcorn.
And then I realized
that maybe I had more
to be grateful for than
I knew because at least I
had both my ears.
I think about that girl in the magazine.
And I just
I hope somebody gave her a
job where she doesn't have
to interact with the public.
That's fucked up, like, all of it,
every part of that story.
You are perfect just the way you are.
And I'm sure your parents tell you that
every day, don't they?
No, not really.
They're just obsessed with solving
my brother's stupid murder.
Oh.
It's, like, you have a daughter too.
Would you like some chocolate milk?
No, I'm okay.
You're a really nice lady, Mrs. Bennett.
[SOBBING]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
So I want to hear all about it.
You would have been wicked
proud of her, Blaire.
- She did great.
- Yeah.
I mean, I was having
trouble with a math problem.
And then she converted the units
into items from my street.
And I got it.
It was a memorable experience.
God, Aunt Sus, I just have
to say, I am so proud of you.
You've wanted this for decades.
And it's finally yours.
By the way, I didn't
know that girl's brother
was murdered when I said that stuff.
I mean, really, you stepped up.
And you did it.
Yeah.
What's the matter?
Blaire, I'm not going back.
You're not?
No.
Why?
It's just not for me.
Well, look. I'm sure
there were a few bumps.
But it's just your first day.
Next time, it's going to be even better.
Blaire, I'm not like you.
You want something different
out of life than I do.
Years ago, I wanted to teach.
But somewhere along the line
well, it's different now.
You know, I admire how
strong you are and
and what you want from the world.
But it's not who I am.
I'm happy with my life.
But your life can't just
be about chocolate milk
and Matty's stools.
You know, I'm just
putting it together now.
But you think all the lactose
is maybe the reason he's so
- Oh, Blaire.
- I don't see it that way at all.
I mean, the best part
of my day was helping
that girl with the nose job.
- Oh, it's a terrible nose job.
- It's a terrible nose job.
And I didn't want her
to feel badly about it.
But just being there for
her made me feel so good.
That's my special power, Blaire,
helping people who need me.
Making them happy is
what makes me happy.
I have to be honest, Aunt Sus.
I don't understand
how that can be enough.
I mean, you know you can do both.
I don't want to.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell.
No, it's okay.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.
Oh, Matty, you're limping.
Oh, my goddamn gout's killing me.
Oh, no. You want me to take a look?
No, no, no, no. You
don't want to see this.
My big toe looks like a
frog holding his breath.
Well, last time it was
a cob of Indian corn.
So it must be getting better.
Yeah, well, it hurts like a shithouse.
Matty, why don't we go
upstairs to the bedroom,
and you can show me your toe, okay?
All right.
♪
Oh, so many steps.
I know.
♪
I just want to go on the record
that I don't approve of
this kind of enabling.
Well, if this week
has taught us anything,
it's that what matters
most is Blaire's approval.
Ha, hilarious.
- Fuck you.
- Yeah, smoke up.
It just bums me out, you know,
that the women of
Aunt Susan's generation
can be happy with so little.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I don't like those women either.
They need to have more ambition like us.
But you get what I'm saying, right?
I mean, people just walk all over her.
And she just smiles and keeps
on like vacuuming the fucking floor.
I mean, she kind of
told you to fuck off.
Yeah, I guess mission accomplished, huh?
This is going to be a thing, isn't it,
the three of us getting high?
- Yeah, it sure is.
- Yeah, enjoy your new life.
Fuck.
Remember when I was a therapist?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]
Oh, you've got a head
full of someone dreadful ♪
And yet alas that someone adores you ♪
♪
Everybody needs a best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
I'm just a clown ♪
And I'll bring you down ♪
But you just don't care ♪
'Cause your best friend is me ♪
♪
[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]
My words are lazy,
my thoughts are hazy ♪
But this is one
thing I'm sure of ♪
Everybody needs a best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
Night and party every day ♪
I wanna rock and roll all night ♪
[COUGHING]
Thanks, buddy.
You know, I used to think
the words to this song were,
"I want to rock and roll all
night and part of every day."
Like like, they're
only going to rock and roll
for, like, a portion of the
day and also take time out
for things like meals and, you know,
time with family and children.
There's a lot going
on with this song, man.
This is a rock and
roll song about wanting
to enjoy a rock and roll song.
Does that actually make
it a rock and roll song?
You know what, I'll do you one better.
- Ready to get mind fucked?
- Give it to me.
The song the "Monster Mash"
is a song about a dance called
the Monster Mash, which is based
on a song called the
"Monster Mash," which is not
the song the "Monster Mash."
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
I don't want to be high anymore.
Well, kids make all kinds
of messes, don't they?
One time when he was eight, John stole
a hot dog from the store.
He put it in his pocket.
And it went through the wash.
[LAUGHING] No.
It came out in one piece.
Isn't that amazing?
Oh, God was smiling on us that day.
[ELECTRICITY ZAPS]
Oh, for Christ's sakes.
Susan!
Holy shit.
Did we die?
Yeah, I think
I think we died.
I'm sorry, Matty.
I plugged in the eggbeater.
Why are you using the eggbeater
when I'm watching "Star Search"?
I was making us brownies.
Now I'm not going to know who
the new stars are going to be.
Well, I don't have to finish them.
I'll just throw the batter out.
Well, if you already started them,
you might as well finish them.
Okay.
I gotta go reset the breaker.
Out of my way, Johnny.
Oh, my God.
They can see us. We must still be alive.
Oh, wow, a second chance.
Okay, this time, you be the cute
one, and I'll be the hot one.
Okay.
Breaker is busted.
Oh, man. Really?
Matty, is it all right?
Oh, breaker is shot to hell.
I'll have to call the
guy in the morning.
So we don't have power till tomorrow?
Yes, Susan. That's what
a busted breaker means.
Well, this isn't so bad.
We could light some
candles, play some games,
maybe read aloud to each
other from our favorite books.
Or we could take a Sharpie and circle
the parts on each other's bodies
we think need improvement.
[LAUGHS] That sounds more fun.
Shut up, you guys.
Sus, yes. That sounds like a great idea.
- Let's go find the games.
- Okay.
Be careful, Blaire.
There's a gun down here somewhere.
But I don't remember where it is.
That's comforting.
Let's see now.
I think there's a Trivial
Pursuit in one of these boxes.
Why is the floor wet?
I know, we're supposed
to get that fixed.
But I like to come down
here during the summer
and cool my feet.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, sweetie.
- Hey, all right.
- Hey, there we go.
Box was working just fine.
Well, it wasn't when I was down there.
- I don't know what to tell you.
- It's okay, honey.
We know you were scared of the spider.
What the fuck are you talking about?
There was a spider on the box.
He's always been scared of the spiders.
Wait, you were just going
to fucking let us sit here
and read aloud from books?
Screw all of you.
Matty, why?
I'm not scared of the
goddamn spider, Susan.
The breaker wasn't working.
I'm going down to Trammell's.
And he pulls the fucking
ripcord, just like always.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Any time you're losing
an argument, you leave.
You just walk out the door.
Matty, honey. You can't leave.
You haven't made stool yet today.
Jesus Christ, Susan.
Well, the doctor says if
it's been more than two days,
you need to call him.
I did it yesterday. It was a good one.
Like a mother hen crowing over her egg.
You all watch this.
When he comes back, everyone's
going to apologize to him
because he's manipulating
the circumstances to make it
seem like he's the victim.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
told them about the spiders.
- No, see? This is what I'm talking about, okay?
- I'm so sorry.
He's the one acting like a whining baby.
He should be apologizing to you.
I shouldn't have embarrassed him, okay?
I think it's cute that
you're scared of the spider.
I'm not scared of spiders!
God, this is so fucked.
This is just classic
dysfunctional, fucked up,
white trash marriage.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
What do you mean, what?
Your wife is trying to engage with you.
And you're dismissing
her like an asshole.
And you do it all the time.
Susan, am I an asshole?
Oh, of course not, Matty.
- You're a veteran.
- See?
You think they'd send
an asshole to Vietnam?
Weren't you dishonorably discharged?
No, I wasn't dishonorably discharged
or honorably discharged.
How the hell does that work?
Just exactly like I just said.
So the army basically
said, it's not you.
- It's us.
- That's right.
We're not sure we're
ready to have anybody
- in the army right now.
- More or less.
The army just wants to focus
on the army for a while.
See? He gets it.
Aunt Sus, he is so fucking
disrespectful to you.
And you never stick up for yourself.
I swear to God, you guys
need marriage counseling.
Oh, fuck that.
What's the matter? Are
you scared of therapy too?
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, it's on, fuckers.
I'm not going to pay some
shrink 80 bucks to sit there
and show me inkblots
that all look like priests
with their dicks out.
Well, I think that's already progress.
- Huh?
- Look, I have a proposal.
I've saved up a little money
working extra shifts at the coffee shop.
As my Christmas gift to
you and Susan this year,
I will pay for one
marriage counseling session.
All you got to do is show up.
Oh, Matty, can we?
Jesus, Susan.
What will we even talk about?
Oh, we can talk about how
much we love each other.
Okay. You know what? Fine.
We'll go, just to show you
that you're full of shit,
and Susan and I have a great marriage.
In fact, you know what,
let's go right now.
It's not open at 9:00 p.m.
Oh.
And the bullshit begins.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Now, of course, the most
well-known singularity
in Frost poem is the repetition of,
"And miles to go before I sleep,"
which refers not to literal sleep
but to death and the overwhelming
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Is there something you'd like to
share with the class, Miss Lyons?
We were just wondering if
your pants are big enough.
Excuse me?
It just seems like there's a little
fashion emergency going on.
Did you get your pants
from the lost and found?
Yeah, these pants are a little big.
They were my dad's.
Why am I wearing my dead
father's pants, you ask?
Because I've moved
back in with my mother.
My wife left me two weeks
ago for a racquetball teacher.
- Happy now?
- God, chill out.
It was a joke.
I'd love to chill out, Erin.
I really would.
But you know what, life
has other plans for me.
My wife says he makes eye contact
with her when they make love.
With me, it's either eye
contact or an erection.
You have to choose one.
And silly me, I thought the
right choice was the erection.
Well, I had a 50/50 shot, didn't I?
Turns out she wants eye contact.
And now that I've moved
back in with Mother,
I have to masturbate into the
toilet because my bed squeaks.
Of course, if you ask my ex-wife,
the toilet is where Mr.
George's sperm belongs.
Now there's a joke, Erin.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Mr. George, can we have
a talk in my office?
Gee, I wonder what this is about.
Everyone, please read pages 81 to 96.
I'm kidding. I don't give a shit.
I think that's enough
emotional trauma for the day.
Why don't you kids go home early?
[EXCITED CHATTER]
Man, that was insane, huh?
Yeah. Those cheerleaders are mean.
That's that's what you got from that?
Well, at least we got the afternoon off.
- Street hockey?
- Street hockey.
Fuck yeah.
All right, this is it, baby.
- You're going down.
- Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr.
Take your best shot.
Oh!
And Bennett chokes in the
final seconds of the game.
This is an absolute disgrace.
- Ah, shit.
- Look at the disappointed faces on all
these Make-A-Wish
kids who only wanted
to see a Bruins victory.
Teddy
This is a stunning upset fueling
an anger the fans will no
doubt take out on their wives.
- And I got to say, Don
- Shut the fuck up, all right?
- I got to ask you something.
- What?
Do you think Blaire is right?
Like, do my parents have
a fucked up marriage?
Well, that's one of those
tough to answer questions,
Johnny, like where did you find
Teddy bear sized hockey gear?
I just don't know.
And if they are having problems,
is any of it my fault?
I mean, what can I do?
Well, I'm just brainstorming.
But it seems like,
maybe, hurting yourself
could teach him a lesson.
Gee, I never thought of that.
Then I'd be in charge of the pain.
- Exactly.
- Only I know what I deserve.
And I'd give myself just that much.
Yeah, you know, I'm just now starting
to see some cracks in this.
Hey, how'd it go?
I paid 80 bucks for that session,
and you just fucking walked out?
That quack had it in for me
the second I walked in that door.
You know what he said?
You know what he said?
- He said I'm selfish.
- Oh, shocker.
Yeah, he said, I need
to compromise more.
Can you believe that fucking shit?
I'm working a 60-hour week just
to keep a roof over our heads.
He does work a lot.
See? Even she gets it.
Everything I do, I do it for you.
Wait, so you're saying,
you can't tell me
it's not worth trying for.
- Exactly.
- Like, I can't help it.
- There's nothing I want more.
- See?
You know it's true.
Oh, my God.
- Shit, I can't believe he said it.
- Oh, fucking amazing.
- What?
- It's Bryan Adams.
Oh, what a treat. What a treat.
Matty, the whole point of this was
for you to get a neutral
perspective on your marriage.
He was not neutral.
He agreed with everything she said.
And he took a shit on everything I said.
So let me get this straight.
So no one's neutral unless they
agree with you all the time.
- Got it.
- The guy's a Harvard fancy pants.
He doesn't understand regular guys.
The bartender down at
Trammell's always thinks I'm right.
In fact, he just said to me last night,
"You've made your point.
You can go home now."
Okay. So let's figure this out.
If Dr. Feldstein's not
neutral, then who would be?
Who would you accept
as a neutral arbiter?
Someone with no fucking agenda.
Like Ted.
- Ted?
- Yeah, he's an even guy,
minds his own business.
He's neutral.
That's an interesting idea.
So you'd accept Ted
as a neutral arbiter?
Absolutely.
Fuck it. What do you say, Ted?
About what?
Sorry. I was doing these Mad Libs.
- Four score and seven cocks ago.
- [LAUGHS]
That's better than the real one.
Focus.
Would you be willing to listen
to Susan and Matty's sides
and then make an
objective judgment call?
What do you mean, like
a like a therapist?
Not therapy, just listening.
Oh, Blaire. It's all right
if he doesn't want to.
I can just watch "Oprah."
And maybe they'll have a
topic that applies to me.
Will you do it?
Well, in the words of Abraham Lincoln,
a diarrhea divided against
itself cannot John's wiener.
Oh, come on, man. Don't put that.
Okay. I'll erase it.
You know, the suit wasn't necessary.
Blaire, please.
Johnny is my best friend.
He's got a stake in this.
So if I'm doing it, I'm doing it right.
Now let's start with the basics.
Would you classify your marriage
as sexually satisfying?
What?
How often would you say
you have intercourse?
That's none of your goddamn business.
Look, why don't we just stick
Every six months.
Every six months.
And what about anal?
- Dude, seriously.
- Jesus Christ.
We do like the room to be clean.
Yeah.
She said, yes.
Hilarious.
Okay, now I want you
to turn to each other
and say the meanest
thing you can think of.
Ted, why don't you ask them something
productive like how they met,
what originally drew them to each other?
All right.
Matty, what originally
attracted you to Susan?
Her innocence.
Oh, okay.
What?
I thought
I already wrote it's
it's fine.
Susan.
His heart.
His heart.
When Matty and I first met,
he bought us tickets to
see Simon & Garfunkel.
It was a Friday.
And he'd been working since 6:00 a.m.
Poor Matty was so tired.
Well, if there's any
cure for being tired,
it's Simon & Garfunkel.
We'd never seen them up close.
So when we got there, Matty realized
that Garfunkel was a man.
- So we had to leave.
- Wait, why?
Two men shouldn't be singing harmony.
Dad, I thought you liked Hall & Oates?
- That's different.
- Why?
Because they sing in unison.
Or they take turns, one
and then the other one.
- That's okay.
- What about Crosby, Stills & Nash?
They're all right for now.
But I'm keeping my eye on them.
You're a complicated man.
I'm still waiting for the heart part.
Well, we got in the car.
And Matty drove home, and
he got his record player.
And he took me to Boston Common.
And we had a picnic on the lawn while we
listened to Sonny & Cher.
And he bought me a rose.
And he danced with me
right there on the grass.
- You remember that?
- Of course I do.
Matty, you did that?
Yeah.
It was beautiful.
She was this wicked smart college girl.
And I wanted to impress her.
See? I'm a good guy.
That prick fuck shrink was way off.
So fuck everybody.
Mom, I didn't know you went to college.
Yeah, me neither.
What did you study?
Well, I was going to teach.
You were going to be a teacher?
Susan, that's amazing.
I'd gotten my credentials.
And I was all ready to apply for a job.
And then I got married.
Why couldn't you do both?
Well, it just didn't seem practical
with the groceries and the laundry.
Well, I mean, have you ever
thought of going back to it?
I think you'd be great.
Oh, no, no.
That was a long time
ago. No, I couldn't.
Susan, I really think you could do this.
Jesus! She said she's not interested.
Should I make some chocolate milk?
Oh, yeah. Chocolate milk.
- Chocolate milk.
- No, Susan.
- For God's sake.
- Therapy over.
We're doing chocolate milk now.
Guys, come on.
This woman does everything
for all of us in this house.
And nobody ever does a
goddamn thing for her.
And now she's sitting here telling us
- something that's important.
- That's horse shit. I do a ton of stuff.
You?
What do you do for Susan?
I pay for everything she owns and eats.
Okay, how about we
all just sit with what
Matty just said, while Susan
gets on that chocolate milk?
I'll get that for you.
Well, I think I just proved my point
that this marriage is perfect.
Yeesh, I couldn't say
this in front of them.
But they were both clearly molested.
Guys, believe it or not,
I think we did great.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We just found out Susan has no
identity outside this family.
I mean, she's a wife. She's a mother.
But that's it.
She could be so much more.
And it's so obvious that
deep down, she wants to be.
You got all that from
her saying she does anal?
Man, you should be
the pretend therapist.
I mean, I hear you, Blaire.
But what are we supposed to do?
I don't know yet.
But somehow, we got to
help her find her voice.
I mean, we're the only
ones that can do it.
Couldn't agree more, Blaire.
Delusional narcissist.
Excuse me?
Note to self, stop
saying what you write.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
God, look at her.
- She's so fucking hot.
- Yeah.
Too bad she's a bitch.
I don't even care.
She could treat me like crap.
I'd still let her jerk me off.
Oh, you should tell her, Johnny.
- I'm sure she'd love to hear it.
- All right, fuck you, man.
No, really, what a feather in her cap.
Hey, I'm just saying,
hypothetically, if she asked,
I would say yes.
That's what she's telling
her friend right now.
She's saying, see that kid
over there in Lee jeans?
I want to bring him to climax.
But will he let me?
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Andrew. Hey, Polly.
Did you hear what
happened to Mr. George?
- No, what?
- He got fired.
No shit. Why?
They caught him in the faculty lounge
screaming at his own dick.
Oh, that's what that was.
Yeah, I heard yelling coming
out of there yesterday.
You're not going to let me fuck?
I'm not going to let you pee!
Well, do they have
someone to replace him?
I don't know. I think
they're trying to find a sub.
- Teddy.
- What?
- They're looking for a sub.
- Yeah, so?
So what about Mom?
- Susan?
- Yeah. Why not?
I mean, you remember what Blaire said,
no one ever does anything for her.
I mean, yeah. But you really want
your mother teaching your class?
I mean, you remember what
happened to Todd Greene?
He yelled goodbye to his mother.
And now he's got to eat
lunch with the janitor.
- I don't care.
- People are shitting in his desk.
Look, Teddy. We got to at least try.
Let's go talk to the principal.
Well, I have to admit,
we're in a bit of a bind here.
Does Mrs. Bennett have any
prior teaching experience?
Well, no, but she's
got all her credentials.
- I see.
- Oh, she's the one who taught me how
to use the bathroom by myself.
- Yeah, last August, right?
- Oh, shut up, man.
- Fuck you.
- All right, man.
- What's that?
- I don't fucking know.
Do you know if your mother would
be willing to take this on for what
may be an indefinite period?
I mean, she has always
wanted to be a teacher.
She just couldn't because
she had to do laundry.
There's a lot of laundry so
I know she'd do a wicked good job.
Okay, listen. How about this?
You hire her.
And the next time there's
an anti-drug assembly,
and they ask for questions,
I will ask a question.
- Teddy, don't. What, are you crazy?
- Quiet, John, quiet.
I will ask a question of the speaker.
No one has ever asked
a question at assembly.
I will ask one.
- A real question?
- Yes.
Not like a, can we see your
nipple, kind of question,
like, a real one.
Like, how can I help ensure
my school remains drug-free?
Like, who should I tell if
I suspect a peer is on drugs?
- Good God.
- Teddy, no, no.
- Shut up, John.
- It's not worth it.
Shut up. This is for Susan!
You have your deal.
And may God have mercy on your soul.
Now get out of this office
before I kick your ass myself.
- Yes, ma'am, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
God, I love this job.
BOTH: And that's
the monster mash ♪
What do you think? Is it a hit?
I just told you.
There's already a song
called the "Monster Mash."
Oh, no, Blaire. Jesus Christ.
Look at the diagram again.
So this song the "Monster
Mash" was inspired by this dance
the Monster Mash.
But the song the "Monster Mash,"
which is about the
dance the Monster Mash,
which was inspired by the
song the "Monster Mash"
is not the song the
"Monster Mash," all right?
That song does not
exist in our universe.
Ever since 1962, we have been
living in the outer circle.
And we don't even know it.
Teddy and I have written the
song the "Monster Mash"
Which will take our reality
to the innermost circle
for the first time in
the history of the cosmos.
All we need is $2,000 for studio time.
I'll save you the time right now.
Nobody in 1993 is going
to give a shit about a song
- called the "Monster Mash."
- Why not?
Because all the good music now
is about shit that matters,
people with real stories.
I mean, don't you
guys listen to hip-hop?
Okay, okay, how about this?
BOTH: And that's the monster mash ♪
It's hard being Black ♪
John.
Hey, Mom.
I just got a call from the principal.
Really?
They want me to take
over for Mr. George.
- They do?
- Yeah.
And, John, they said it was your idea.
Is that true?
Are you mad?
No, no.
I'm just overwhelmed.
Well, you're going to do it, right?
Well, I don't know.
Oh, my God.
You have to say yes.
This is your chance.
Well, if I'm working, then
who's going to let the mailman
in to use the bathroom?
Listen to me.
This is about you doing
something for yourself.
Well, if it's what you want.
No, Jesus. It's not about me.
It's about what you want.
This was your dream. I mean, come on.
You got to give yourself
a chance to see it through.
You're not embarrassed to have
your mother teaching your class?
I already walk around
school with my Teddy bear.
I think I'll be fine.
Oh, John.
- Thank you.
- Okay, oh, God.
- Oh, Jesus, Ma.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, I'm so excited. I'm all flushed.
I'm going to go stand
in the basement water.
John, you did that for her?
Well, yeah.
You know, you said nobody ever
does anything for her so
Yeah, you know, we're
not all about smoking weed
and scouring the beaches of the world
looking for the perfect wave.
We care.
It's increasingly possible
that the two of you
might not be total fuck-ups.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZES]
I'm okay!
I'm okay.
Susan, get out of the basement!
I'm watching TV.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
♪
[SIGHS]
Good morning, everyone.
Hi.
I'm your substitute
teacher, Mrs. Bennett.
Fuck yeah. Great start.
[LAUGHS] I'm a little new at this.
So I hope you'll be patient with me.
I was told you're
studying American poets
of the early 20th century.
Is that right?
Yeah, yeah. That's right.
Okay. Now let's see.
It looks like Mr. George
left off with T.S. Eliot.
Yeah?
Okay, well, you know, I
have a very special place
in my heart for T.S. Eliot.
He wrote those wonderful
poems about cats.
And when I was a little
girl, whenever I'd get sick
and I'd stay home in bed,
my mother would read me those poems.
They always made me feel better.
[LAUGHTER]
Did I say something funny?
You're saying you're a cat lady?
Yes, yes.
I guess I am a cat lady.
Well, that explains the blouse.
The blouse?
Does it look okay?
Yeah, it looks great.
Actually, my grandma has
curtains in her bathroom.
And I think that they
might be the same pattern.
Oh, what a funny coincidence.
- Leave her alone, Erin.
- Yeah.
Some of us are here to learn.
Aren't you the guy who asked
the question at assembly?
A lot of people wanted to
know about the long-term
side effects of drugs.
Mrs. Bennett, did you pick
out the blouse yourself?
Yeah.
"Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats."
Did you pick out the skirt yourself too?
I did. Is there something
wrong with my skirt?
I mean, not unless
you're someone who thinks
Marshalls is too pricey.
Hey, Erin.
Hi. Ted.
We've never officially
talked. But I know your work.
Listen, I think Susan's
doing a terrific job.
So I figured this is a good time
to tell you, we all
know about the nose job
you had last year.
You didn't fool anybody.
Because we all remember
before the surgery
when you tried to kiss Danny Santucci,
and you poked his eye out.
Also, and everybody in
town knows this except you.
Your dad is really your uncle,
which may have subconsciously
fucked you up and caused you
eating disorder, which is also
no secret because everybody's
heard you throwing up in the bathroom.
And also, I recently found out you're
a virgin, which is
interesting, because you've
been lying about that too.
So I hope you do give
your boyfriend fellatio
because at least then there's something
going down your throat
besides your finger.
That about cover it?
Jesus Christ, Teddy.
Sorry. We don't do
enough for Susan at home.
So I felt obligated to say those things.
[SOBBING]
Well, go ahead, Susan.
Well, go ahead and read
"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock."
I'll be right back.
You know, before Mrs. B., I didn't
care nothing about reading.
But she opened my eyes.
These poems really are
just like rap songs.
Oh, sweetie.
Are you okay?
I'm a total fucking loser!
Oh, honey.
No, no, you're not.
You're a very special girl.
I just know it.
I'm a fucking disaster.
My whole life is an
absolute fucking mess.
You're 16.
Your life hasn't even started yet.
You can still be anyone you want to be.
I'm sorry I was such a bitch.
You know, when I was your age,
I used to think my ears were too big.
And then one day I saw
a picture in a magazine
of a girl with a deformed
ear because her mother smoked
while she was in the womb.
It was awful.
It was like a little piece of popcorn.
And then I realized
that maybe I had more
to be grateful for than
I knew because at least I
had both my ears.
I think about that girl in the magazine.
And I just
I hope somebody gave her a
job where she doesn't have
to interact with the public.
That's fucked up, like, all of it,
every part of that story.
You are perfect just the way you are.
And I'm sure your parents tell you that
every day, don't they?
No, not really.
They're just obsessed with solving
my brother's stupid murder.
Oh.
It's, like, you have a daughter too.
Would you like some chocolate milk?
No, I'm okay.
You're a really nice lady, Mrs. Bennett.
[SOBBING]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
So I want to hear all about it.
You would have been wicked
proud of her, Blaire.
- She did great.
- Yeah.
I mean, I was having
trouble with a math problem.
And then she converted the units
into items from my street.
And I got it.
It was a memorable experience.
God, Aunt Sus, I just have
to say, I am so proud of you.
You've wanted this for decades.
And it's finally yours.
By the way, I didn't
know that girl's brother
was murdered when I said that stuff.
I mean, really, you stepped up.
And you did it.
Yeah.
What's the matter?
Blaire, I'm not going back.
You're not?
No.
Why?
It's just not for me.
Well, look. I'm sure
there were a few bumps.
But it's just your first day.
Next time, it's going to be even better.
Blaire, I'm not like you.
You want something different
out of life than I do.
Years ago, I wanted to teach.
But somewhere along the line
well, it's different now.
You know, I admire how
strong you are and
and what you want from the world.
But it's not who I am.
I'm happy with my life.
But your life can't just
be about chocolate milk
and Matty's stools.
You know, I'm just
putting it together now.
But you think all the lactose
is maybe the reason he's so
- Oh, Blaire.
- I don't see it that way at all.
I mean, the best part
of my day was helping
that girl with the nose job.
- Oh, it's a terrible nose job.
- It's a terrible nose job.
And I didn't want her
to feel badly about it.
But just being there for
her made me feel so good.
That's my special power, Blaire,
helping people who need me.
Making them happy is
what makes me happy.
I have to be honest, Aunt Sus.
I don't understand
how that can be enough.
I mean, you know you can do both.
I don't want to.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell.
No, it's okay.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.
Oh, Matty, you're limping.
Oh, my goddamn gout's killing me.
Oh, no. You want me to take a look?
No, no, no, no. You
don't want to see this.
My big toe looks like a
frog holding his breath.
Well, last time it was
a cob of Indian corn.
So it must be getting better.
Yeah, well, it hurts like a shithouse.
Matty, why don't we go
upstairs to the bedroom,
and you can show me your toe, okay?
All right.
♪
Oh, so many steps.
I know.
♪
I just want to go on the record
that I don't approve of
this kind of enabling.
Well, if this week
has taught us anything,
it's that what matters
most is Blaire's approval.
Ha, hilarious.
- Fuck you.
- Yeah, smoke up.
It just bums me out, you know,
that the women of
Aunt Susan's generation
can be happy with so little.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I don't like those women either.
They need to have more ambition like us.
But you get what I'm saying, right?
I mean, people just walk all over her.
And she just smiles and keeps
on like vacuuming the fucking floor.
I mean, she kind of
told you to fuck off.
Yeah, I guess mission accomplished, huh?
This is going to be a thing, isn't it,
the three of us getting high?
- Yeah, it sure is.
- Yeah, enjoy your new life.
Fuck.
Remember when I was a therapist?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]
Oh, you've got a head
full of someone dreadful ♪
And yet alas that someone adores you ♪
♪
Everybody needs a best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
I'm just a clown ♪
And I'll bring you down ♪
But you just don't care ♪
'Cause your best friend is me ♪
♪