Ted Lasso (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Ooh.
I'm sorry about this.
Don't you dare apologize.
Thanks to you, we can afford to get the other car fixed.
Tell him, boys.
- Bye, Dad.
- It's all right, Dad.
Whatever.
- Love you.
- Love you, darling.
Ooh, and and tell your boss I hope she gets heart disease.
Ooh.
Oh.
- Morning, Ted.
- Hey, Higgins Ooh! Is he dead? I mean, you know, it's my fault for staring at my phone.
I just can't stop checking on my family's flight.
You know, I haven't shared this with too many folks, but, um, Michelle and I, we've been having some marital issues.
Ted, you really don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.
Oh, I don't mind.
Tried couples therapy.
Didn't like the other couple though.
Oh, it feels good to laugh.
Yeah, you know, our therapist gave us this code word to use.
So if either of us says "Oklahoma", the other one has to tell the God's honest truth.
Yeah, you know, it's pretty helpful.
Did ruin the musical for me though.
So now every time I hear, "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'", or, uh what "Surrey with the Fringe on Top", or - "Shall We Dance?" - No, that's from King and I.
Anyway, if I hear any of those tunes, I immediately think about my wife telling me that my constant optimism is too much.
And this sharing of feelings is 'cause I opened up to you about my ex-husband at the gala.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, that's a lesson learned.
Oh, come on now.
I bet deep down you kinda dig we're getting so close, right? I do.
- Oklahoma? - I do not.
Mm-hmm.
Jamie? You up? Hello? Is, uh, is Jamie here? Oh, my God.
You're Keeley Jones.
Yeah, I am.
Hi, Jamie.
No, no, no.
No.
You can't get mad.
You broke up with me.
Like, 24 hours ago.
How long's a man meant to be alone? What am I supposed to do? Shower by myself? Sorry, can I just say, I'm your biggest fan.
I follow your Insta, your Snap, everything.
Wow, thank you.
And, Jamie, thank you.
Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it, wondering if I made a huge fucking mistake.
But you have really helped me to feel good about this decision, just by being you.
You're welcome.
What? You said I made you feel good about your decision.
- Yeah.
- Did you mean it? - Yes.
- Well, then you're welcome.
I like to make people feel good.
- Mm.
- Mm.
You still gonna be around for the promo shoot later? Oh, the promo shoot that I've spent weeks setting up for you? Yes.
It was nice to meet you.
Oh Yes, yes, yes! Here! Yes, Jamie! Jamie, Jamie! Jamie, I'm open.
Jamie! - What are you doing? That was going in.
- Well, we'll never know.
Jamie, how many times I gotta tell you to make the extra pass? Come on.
Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter.
What? What's he talking about? Oh, that's right.
Y'all don't know I like to keep the peanut butter open.
That way, whenever I walk by, I can just stick my finger in there.
Oh.
- It's a fucking good idea, to be fair.
- Yeah, it is.
Now look, when Sam is that open, you gotta pass to him, okay? But why? Even when Sam's open, Sam is still shit.
I heard my name.
What did he say? - Don't worry about it.
- Oh, okay.
Guys, we gotta play like a team tomorrow.
Otherwise we're gonna get our butts kicked.
Extra passes.
We're gonna keep doing this until we get it right.
Let's go.
Dad! Practice is canceled.
That is a lot longer run than he thinks, though.
Metaphor.
- Hey! - Daddy! I kinda thought y'all would meet me halfway, but hey, that's all right.
Hey, buddy! Helicopter! Oh, you got it.
Two spins.
How about that? Boy, you're gonna be a dizzy fella there.
- Slower helicopter.
- No way.
Come on now.
I missed you so much.
Group hug.
Hey! There he is.
Hey, big guy.
Look how tall you got.
What the heck? And look at this.
I mean, you, what You got teeth now? - I already had teeth! - And you can talk! Also, Ms.
Welton, sorry to report, but this weekend's match will not be completely sold out.
Not a surprise.
We've lost four matches in a row, and we're facing relegation.
But why be sorry? I think it's all going rather smashingly.
Uh I'm happy to be the new brand ambassador for Darsteiner.
The favorite beer of Jamie Tartt.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Get my tats.
Get that one.
It's very important to me.
Chinese for "arm".
- Jamie.
- What? - Just drink the beer.
- Yeah.
No judgment, but are you back with that twat? Bon appétit.
No.
We're done.
God, I love that you care though.
I'll kiss you on the mouth if I can reach those lips.
You know, I put this whole thing together.
I get 10%.
Hey, do you like mythology? You've seen a unicorn.
You ever seen a brewnicorn? - That's fucking funny.
- Oh, no.
What's that? It's my beerby.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Y'all getting all this for free.
Not even extra for that.
- Keeley.
- Hmm? If any of the other players needed some branding work done, is that something you'd be interested in? I don't want you to offer me a job just 'cause I was nice to you in the loo the other night.
Why not? Men give each other jobs in toilets all the time.
Yeah, they do.
I meant employment.
Like job-jobs.
- So not hand, or blow, or foot? - Foot? Oh, you're right.
Technically it would be feet, right? Just give it a thought.
Unless you want to carry on doing What is it you do again? I'm sort of famous for being almost famous.
Excellent.
- Maybe think of it as a plan B.
- Yeah.
Okay, now, little tip for y'all, all right? Fries are called "chips".
Chips are called "crisps".
And "bangers" aren't great songs, but they do make you feel like dancing 'cause they're so darn tasty.
When you gonna win a game, you fucking wanker? Hey, Baz.
Fellas.
Uh, this here This is my wife, Michelle.
Absolute pleasure to meet you, Mrs.
Lasso.
Nice recovery.
Well executed.
- Yeah, coach's wife.
She's heard it all.
- Yeah.
Hi, Ted.
Hello, young man.
Here are the darts.
There's the board.
Try not to hit any regulars.
Yeah, go have fun.
- Your table's this way.
- Go on.
After you.
- Three fish-and-chips? - Yes, please.
And two pints.
- I like your style.
- Yeah.
Look at this.
Do they, um, wrap the fish-and-chips in newspaper? I read they do that here.
No, no.
I wish.
Boy, I'd love that.
Having my food teach me stuff? Yeah, that's your dream scenario, right? A doughnut that knows about Rosa Parks or something.
- Yeah.
Exactly, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Can fit a lot of wisdom just in the hole.
- Mm.
Yeah.
Oh.
You already done, bud? Yeah, he probably should be.
Ooh.
Well, I'm sorry about that.
Happens all the time.
- What are you doing? - I'm just curious, yeah? The photographer's gonna send me over the pictures, and I'll just kill the ones where you look like shit.
Then I'll send them over to you.
Uh, firstly, babe, there won't be any where I look like shit because And B, why don't you just bring them over to my place and we can look at them together? Maybe we're naked.
Oh Hard no.
Thank you again, Jamie.
Smart move.
Excuse me? I have to hang out with that prick.
The fact that you would choose to be with him is frankly mind-blowing.
I'm not with him.
We broke up.
We're working together, actually.
And who asked you anyway, huh? Right.
I didn't know that, so apologies.
No, it's fine.
You should definitely weigh in on my life.
I'll make sure that I text you anytime I have to make a decision, yeah? It's just that in training, Sam was wide open, and Jamie wouldn't pass to him.
But Sam was wide open.
Now that's what I'm dealing with.
Yes.
- Here it is.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
Now, hold on a second.
Think we might have missed a page.
Oh, boy.
Don't you wanna go ride a real double-decker bus? After we finish.
Mm-hmm.
See? I like that.
First we gotta build it, then we can ride it.
It's kind of a Field of Dreams paradigm.
Okay.
Well, six hands are better than four.
Good morning.
Hey, how you doing? - Hey, look at that scarf.
I like it.
- Oi! Wanker.
Don't you fuck up the match.
I appreciate you.
We'll see what happens, huh? Hey, check it out.
You never Never seen one of these before.
That right there, that's a scone, okay? It's like a muffin, except it sucks all the spit out of your mouth.
There's your breakfast.
All right? Hey! What do you say? Thanks, Dad! Okay.
There you go.
Some people's kids, holy moly.
- It's pretty nice out there, isn't it? - Oh.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- I can make us some breakfast.
What's wrong? Nothing.
I think I'm just a little jet-lagged is all.
I-I'm fine, Ted.
No, no, no, no.
No.
Michelle, you gotta talk to me.
Okay? Hey, hey.
Oklahoma.
Every day I wake up hoping that I'll feel the way I felt in the beginning.
But But maybe that's just what marriage is, right? I'll keep trying.
You know I will.
Ready to go! - I mean, you're gonna need pants, kiddo.
- Yeah.
- You know - Let's get some pants.
Come on.
I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Marriage.
Just so, you know, so complicated.
So many different challenges and - I think I don't know.
- Sorry.
You ever been married? Ha! Yeah, Nate.
Coach's views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak.
You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one, loses its flavor.
- That sound about right, Coach? - Yeah.
Do you mind if I ask you a personal question then? Fire away.
If you were worried about your relationship, then why did you fly 4,438 miles away? That is a very specific number to know off the top of your head.
Oh, well, uh, my dad used to be a cartographer.
Used to say I was .
001 miles tall.
Yeah.
Well, it's a good question.
Why do it? I think at some point I realized that me being around so much was doing more harm than good.
Like, anytime I tried to solve any of her problems, or do something sweet for her, it just would backfire.
And then she and this therapist we were working with decided that maybe the best thing to do would be to give her a little space.
And so, um well, I gave her 4,400 and, um Thirty-eight.
Thirty-eight miles worth of it.
Sorry to interrupt.
I was told one of you had my phone.
Ah.
Thank heavens.
I deleted some apps to optimize performance.
Not Battleships, I hope.
Ah.
Oh, well.
I was playing that too much anyway.
I'll leave you lads to your match day planning.
Now, well, hold your horse there, amigo.
You mind if I get your take on something? Wow, of course.
Uh Very exciting to be, uh, invited into the inner sanctum.
Um, Team Lasso, as it were.
You and the missus.
Y'all been together a while, yeah? - Oh, yes, uh, 28 years.
- Oh.
Five boys, three dogs, one 20-year-old cat whose impending death will wreck me emotionally, and, uh, one small house that manages to fit us all in it.
Sounds like a full life right there.
But I assume y'all have had your fair share of hard times though, yeah? Did you not hear the five boys, tiny house, dying cat part? That's the thing though, isn't it? If you're with the right person, even the hard times are easy.
Mm-hmm.
Someone call 911.
I want to report a truth bomb.
- I think think they do 999 here.
- It is 999.
- Yes.
It is, yeah.
- For emergencies? Boy, that seems troublesome to me.
You know, toddlers and, just, butt dials and - Oh, 'cause it's one key.
- Yeah.
You'd probably have police cars and ambulances - just zipping all over the place.
- Yeah.
- Well, that happens a lot, doesn't it? - It does.
Yeah, yeah.
- That explains it, actually.
- There you have it.
Arlo White here with Chris Powell.
Live from Nelson Road Stadium, the home of AFC Richmond.
All right, everyone! Get in a fucking circle.
- Let's throw this down! - Come on, boys! Right, hands in.
On three.
One, two, three - Richmond! - Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Jamie, you a germophobe? 'Cause I'm trying to think of a reason you didn't put your hand in - with the rest of the team.
- Didn't want to.
Mm-hmm.
I gotta say, man, sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper.
You just push all the wrong buttons.
Well, then how's about you and me make a deal? Okay, I'm listening.
You get to keep on preaching all of your yeehaw bullshit, and in exchange, I'll keep ignoring you, because this team is tragic.
I score all the goals, and I'm the only one they come to see.
Does that sound fair? Hands in.
You know, I'd love to hash out some of the nuances there, but I'm not having the best of days Actually, it doesn't matter what you say.
'Cause in my head, I'm just hearing the crowd cheer my name after I score a goal tonight.
Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo As undeniably catchy as that tune is, - I need you to cut the crap right now - Dad! Hey, big guy.
There he is.
Hey.
- Jamie Tartt? - Hello, little lad.
Would you sign my shirt? All right, turn around.
That's pretty cool, huh? Now, next time I score a goal, it won't just be for me.
It'll be for you too.
And for me.
But just for us.
- Cool.
- Good lad.
Good boy.
Come on, let's get out there.
Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo - Come on, goalie! - Link finds space.
He rears back to shoot it.
Oh! A stunning goal by the Canadian midfielder! - Fuck's sake! - I hate that poxy wanker! Fucking Lasso! - Nice family though.
- Damn it, Paul! Don't humanize him! Well, after only six minutes, Richmond are 2-0 down.
Wanker! Wanker! And the Richmond supporters are making their feelings known.
Wanker! Wanker! Chris, you have to think, if this continues, Lasso's time with Richmond will be short and not very sweet.
Tartt receives the ball.
Clever there.
- Go on, Jamie.
- He finds space.
He has Obisanya on the right.
No, he's doing it himself.
And, oh, what a finish! Jamie Tartt with an incredible solo goal! Jamie Tartt, you fucking king! Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo And thanks to budding superstar, Jamie Tartt, Richmond are right back in it at 2-1 in the 29th minute! - Me! - What's he yelling? Um, "me".
He's, uh, pointing at the name on his back and repeatedly yelling "me".
Me! Oh, I thought he was saying "meat".
But, yeah, yours makes a lot more sense.
Okay.
- Come on! - Obisanya joins the attack.
- Oh! The Nigerian is taken out! - Bullshit! Come on, ref! They gotta knock that off! It'll be a yellow card here for Benson.
And you have to say he got off easy there.
And Obisanya is still down.
- He might be hurt.
- Yeah.
Excuse me, mate.
Oi! Check on your fucking teammate.
The captain dispensing some wisdom to the young superstar.
Nothing wrong with that.
- Sam? - Yeah? I'm gonna have to move you there.
There you go.
- What is your fucking problem? - Oh! What is this? Kent and Tartt are at each other's throats! - Okay.
Hey, guys! Come on! Knock it off! - Hopefully cooler heads will prevail.
Fucking kill you! Same team! Unacceptable, Arlo.
Chris, have you ever struck a teammate? - Are you mad? So what? - No, but I've wanted to.
- He's my own player.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'm actually a bit jealous.
- You gotta be We haven't seen this since 2001 in Newcastle.
And a season of lows for Richmond sinks even further still.
You all right, Sam? Honestly, it doesn't even hurt anymore.
But everyone was making such a fuss, I thought I should just stay down.
No.
Listen.
I'm gonna pull you up, you're gonna pretend to limp very badly, and you're gonna gesture like you think you can bravely go on.
- They'll love it.
- Oh, okay.
Obisanya is on his feet, but can he continue? Is he okay? Looks like he'll play through the pain.
Such determination.
You love to see it.
Attaboy, Sam! Tartt steps up to take the free kick, with an opportunity to tie the game.
Will he find a teammate or go for glory? With Tartt, that's usually a rhetorical question.
And he's done it! That's two for Jamie Tartt, and Richmond are level in the 38th minute! He's a special player, Arlo.
Look at this.
And you have to wonder, where would Richmond be without him.
I'll be right back.
Me! Me! We certainly haven't seen this before.
Ted Lasso is running into the stands.
Well, where the hell is he off to? He's not slowing down on those steps.
That's some real impressive cardio from Ted Lasso there.
Is he okay? - Hey, Rebecca.
- Hello, Ted.
- You're doing great, Dad.
- Yeah, you got this.
Thanks, guys.
Uh, I wanna bench Jamie.
But I didn't wanna do it without checking with you first.
But, Ted, you're the manager.
So whatever you decide, you have my full support.
Thanks, boss.
All right.
Later, alligators.
Bye, Dad.
And it appears Coach Lasso has decided to rejoin the match already in progress.
Roberts, warm up.
You're going in.
Let's go.
Come on.
Hey, highlighter.
We got ourselves a sub.
- Sixteen's going in for nine.
Okay? - Okay.
Appreciate you, sir.
Thank you.
Okay.
Well, it looks like Lasso is making an early substitution here.
He's bringing Roberts on, and he's taking off Jamie Tartt? He's our best player! Me? You don't know what you're doing! You don't know what you're doing! You don't know what you're doing! What on earth? He's taking off his best player.
And with less than a minute remaining in the half.
- Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! - Number 16, Robbie Roberts, for number 9, Jamie Tartt.
Hey, way to play out there.
Way to get us back in.
Shut up.
Fucking stupid twat.
The referee looks at his watch, and that's halftime.
What kind of reception awaits Lasso in his locker room? Oi, sit down and listen.
We got ourselves a tied game.
Nice work.
Fellas, we're broken.
We need to change.
And, look, I know change can be scary.
One minute, you're playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies.
Next thing you know, you're getting zits, your voice gets low.
And every time your art teacher, Ms.
Scanlon, leans over your desk to check and see how your project's going, you feel all squiggly inside.
Mm.
She was a striking woman.
Not classically beautiful, but striking.
First time I ever saw tan lines.
Most of the time, change is a good thing.
Now, I think that's what it's all about.
Embracing change.
Being brave.
Doing whatever you have to, so that everyone in your life can move forward with theirs.
'Cause maybe it's the only way you can truly help her be happy.
Obviously by "her", I'm referring to Lady Football.
Good save.
Sam, we're gonna shift you to midfield for the second half.
And Beard's gonna walk y'all through the rest of the changes.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
One last thing.
And I want everyone's eyes on me when I say this.
Look at me.
- Never really liked Tartt.
- We know, Roy.
Everybody, come on.
Two minutes of added time remaining.
Still level at two goals apiece.
Richmond have played well, even without Jamie Tartt.
Here we go.
Oh, he's open.
He's open.
He's open.
There you go.
A through ball from Cockburn.
And Kent is off to the races! Come on! Kent has only one man to beat.
He could take it himself, but he makes the extra pass to a wide open Obisanya! Oh! And he buries it! Oh, my God! Whoo! Richmond take the lead with barely a minute of stoppage time left.
Scorer for Richmond's third goal, number 24, Sam Obisanya.
Yeah! I'm so sorry! I'm just so happy! No, I love it! I love this energy! - Here, Coach.
Take this guy from me.
- Oh, yeah! That's the way you do it! Nicely done, gentlemen! Nicely done! Way to do it! Yes! Yes! Yes! Took balls, what you did.
That's all we got is balls, Roy.
It's all we got.
All right! Yeah! There you go.
Way to play.
How about that, Coach? You hear that, Coach? Wanker! Wanker! Well, same word, ain't it? Yeah, but different.
Yeah, kinda like back in the '80s when bad meant good, right? Who was president back then? - Ronald Reagan.
- "Ronald Reagan? The actor?" Oh, man.
I love it when you do Doc Brown.
You walked me right into that.
Daddy! Dad! Hey! There he is! Yoo-hoo-hoo! How about that, huh? We won one.
- Daddy? - Yeah? What's a wanker? Well, kiddo.
That is a, uh That's a man that likes to be alone with his thoughts.
Make sense? Let's give you a better view of all this.
Ready? Get up there, kiddo.
Look at that.
Wave to the people.
That's it.
Let them know.
Let them see, huh? Oh, shit.
Yeah.
One touch.
I just keep thinking about the first time we met, back at school.
Us being the only two people in that big old parking lot at the exact same time.
So random.
No way for us to know that it was going to be the start of something.
Oh! - Hey.
- Did I scare you? You snuck up on a woman in a parking lot at night.
Yeah, Roy, well done.
I'm sorry.
I'm an idiot.
I was also an idiot yesterday, so It's okay.
Good night, Keeley.
Good night, Roy.
I look back at everything we've been through, and I wouldn't change a single thing.
Even now.
What are you saying? Michelle, if there is something I could do or something I could say that would make you be happy just being with me, I'd do it.
I'd do it in a nanosecond.
But I ain't got no control over any of that.
You don't have to keep trying anymore.
It's okay.
I'm gonna be okay.
Yeah? Okay, quick feet.
There we go.
Shoot.
I promised myself I would never quit anything in my life.
But you're not quitting, Ted.
You're just letting me go.
Yeah.
Come on.
Oh.
You ready? - Yeah.
- Yes.
Thank you.
- It's all right.
- I appreciate you, Shannon.
Thank you.
Hey, buddy.
I'm gonna see you the second after the season's over, okay? And we're gonna talk every day? Absolutely.
Just like we do, big guy.
You know it.
Okay? Well, gimme a hug, please.
Yeah.
Okay now, okay.
Hey, I love you.
Go ahead, get on.
Oi, wanker.
Good job tonight.
Thank you, sir.
Keep an eye on us.
We might be turning this thing around.