Telenovela (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 I'm so tired.
I stayed up until 3 AM WebMDing.
That suspicious lump on my arm, turned out to just be a new muscle.
I'm exhausted too.
I stayed up all night cleaning up my make-up drawer.
I had to make some serious Sophie's choices about some lip liners.
I'm tired too.
See, after work last night, I went home and made tacos for the the kids and then did about six loads of laundry.
Finally got to bed at 2:00 and then at 3:00, we all woke up with food poisoning from the tacos.
Did I win this game? Mimi, you seem really overwhelmed.
Are you gonna be able to come to my charity thing tomorrow? Oh, I wouldn't miss it.
I know how important it is to you.
I hope you all can come tomorrow.
My charity rebuilds homes for displaced families.
It's called Raise Your Roof.
- And at Raise Your Roof-- - Stop doing that hand thing.
I can't.
I'm the spokesperson.
It's in my contract.
Okay, who's gonna help me Raise Your Roof? Come on, get them up.
Up! Okay, we need coffee.
Yeah, well, Paulo the assistant got in a skateboarding accident.
Oh, my God.
Then who's gonna get us coffee? All: Not it! Oh, yeah, sure.
Now you guys raise your hands.
Well, someone's got to get us coffee, and there's only one way to figure it out.
Belly Jenga.
[playful music.]
Okay, losing team buys coffee for everyone.
And you guys are going down.
I sew all day so my dexterity is off the hook.
- [snores.]
- [all gasping.]
30 seconds until the next sleep burp.
Make your move.
[relieved sighing.]
- Okay, all right.
- Okay, Ana, no one's expecting us to win this game.
- But? - No, that was it.
We always lose.
That's why they put us on the same team.
'Cause they know they're gonna win.
All right.
We're gonna prove them wrong.
Mm, that one's load-bearing.
Oh, my God.
You played an architect in one Tylenol commercial, and you think you know everything.
- Hey, let me do it.
- No, not that one.
It's this one right-- - [cheering.]
- Jenga! Jenga.
[flamenco music.]
All right.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Which one's mine? Café con leche.
Café con leche, café con leche.
Okay, did everybody order café con leche? Yea-- No.
I lost the sheet with all the orders on it.
By the way, I don't know why I had to help pay for these when you're the one that lost the Belly Jenga.
Uh, we were a team.
Okay, a bad team, but that's not a surprise.
We can't even high-five the right way.
That's ridiculous.
- Come here.
- Oh, God.
[gasps.]
Kate and Diego.
What are they doing here? I can't stand them in their stupid show "Cientificos Sexy.
" Sexy scientists, what is that even about? - Sexy scientists.
- Like those are even real.
God, I hate Kate.
She is so fake.
- Kate! both: - Muah! - Ana.
- Diego.
- Javi.
- You look amazing.
You look-- you.
You know, we just came by to see Gloria our old make-up lady.
She left our show because she said that we were too easy to make look good.
Yeah, she came to work here because she loves a big challenge.
Hmm, you know, we haven't seen you two since your marriage so publicly crumbled.
Crumbled? No, we had an amazing divorce.
- The best.
- Wish we could do it again.
- Yeah.
- Diego, can you imagine if - we got divorced? - No, I can't even imagine.
[gasps.]
Oh, I just imagined it.
But that'll never happen because I love you so much.
No, no, I love you so much, mi amor.
Oh, okay.
Oh, Javi, do something.
Not that.
Not that.
I am so late.
Did you get pulled over for being too beautiful? I hate when that happens.
That's why I make this face when I drive.
Actually, I was at the gym looking for this super cute guy I met the other day.
We had the most amazing connection.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Soul mates.
- We have so much in common.
We both played soccer in college, both our fathers made us play soccer in college.
That's great.
What does he do? I don't know.
Before we could talk about it, we were torn apart.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Oh, his spin class was starting.
Oh.
[dramatic music.]
Ooh, "Cientificos Sexy.
" I love that show.
I did it! I did it! I found a cure for cancer! - [flamenco music.]
- [moaning.]
I can't get over how dumb that name is.
It's-- it doesn't mean anything.
What does "Las Leyes de Pasión" mean? Seriously? Laws of passion.
I'm Passion.
I'm a lawyer.
[gasps.]
It works on so many levels.
Yeah.
God, I hate Diego.
That dude does not even know how to use a microscope.
Oh, and you do? I played a scientist in an orange juice commercial.
I do a lot of commercials.
Javi, you just got to let it go.
Oh, you hate them just as much as I do.
You gonna tell me it didn't drive you crazy the way the were rubbing our divorce in our faces? Yes, but planning this charity event has made me realize there are bigger problems in the world than those jerks.
I'm in a really Zen place right now.
I even downloaded a meditation app, and it has a gong that goes off every time you need to meditate.
[gong ringing.]
I just, uh, haven't figured out how to shut it off, and it goes off a lot.
Sometimes in the middle of the night.
Yeah, it actually gets really stressful.
But the point is, you've got to let go of this Diego and Kate thing.
- Everyone else has.
- Oh, really? Hey, Mimi.
Kate and Diego.
Kate and Diego? Ugh, they are human garbage.
They come over to our house, talk to our make-up lady? [scoffs.]
Hell no.
That's the fire I was looking for.
Uh, is anybody else concerned I'm the level-headed one here? Well, frankly, I don't think it's healthy to be level-headed about Kate.
She's always trying to one-up you.
- You get a part on the show-- - She gets her own show.
You get a shampoo commercial-- She starts her own shampoo line.
You marry your sexy co-star.
She marries her even sexier co-star.
Oh, hey.
Diego's not sexier than me, and he's way older.
Yeah, but he's got that thing--that Mm-hmm, it's like-- [smacking lips.]
.
Oh, that man is like yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.
And I'm not nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum? all: No.
[laughter.]
Rodrigo, you've got a little lip slip.
I've got to fire my new mustache guy.
- Now, Armando Vega-- - Muwahahaha.
Now that's a mustache.
Well, why don't you just grow one of your own? I've tried, but it grows in weird.
[menacing music.]
You should call your mustache Ana because it can't hold on to a man to save its life.
[laughs softly.]
Did she hear me? She left.
Let's go find her so I can say it again.
[upbeat music.]
Oh, I'm so happy everybody showed up.
I can't wait to get started.
It's gonna be a nice and relaxing day.
Relaxing? You realize we're building a house, right? Yeah, this is a vacation in comparison to my normal life.
I never have time to myself, but today I'm not gonna take care of anybody.
- This is my Mimi-me day.
- Hmm.
All white? Risky.
Well, you know I can wear all white and never get dirty.
White power! I've told you before, Ana, you can not say that.
It's like when you had the party and the invitation said, "Whites only.
" No, it was a white party.
Oh, you think that's why Diddy didn't show up? - Oh.
- Ana, look.
uh, uh, watch that thing - Kate.
- Diego.
And the entire "Cientificos Sexy" cast.
uh, uh, uh uh Damn, those are some sexy scientists.
[all mutter in agreement.]
[acoustic Latin music.]
It's you from the gym.
It's like looking in a mirror.
- Kate.
- Ana.
[playful music.]
[overlapping chatter.]
Kate, what are you doing here? I read about this little charity of yours, and I assumed you needed some help.
- Well, we're good.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you not want extra help to build this house for a needy family? 'Cause we can leave.
[laughs softly.]
Don't be silly.
Grab a hard hat.
Or don't.
Armando Vega-- from one TV villain to another, - I just want to-- - You play a villain? - Yeah.
- I don't see any mustache.
Well, I, um-- I use a fake.
A lip wig? [laughter.]
[intense Latin music.]
All right, come on you guys.
Bring it in.
Look, those sexy sons of bitches are going down.
all: Yeah.
Yes, yes, okay.
All right.
Today we're gonna build a beautiful home for the Torres family.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Arriba, arriba.
- Hi.
[speaking Spanish.]
And in the process, we are going to show up those charity crashers.
Okay, we're gonna be better painters, - better builders-- - Better mustachers.
Sure, sure, Just better teammates, all right? On three, here we go.
One, two, three-- [incohesive cheering.]
We are gonna work on that later.
Hey, so--so what can I do to destroy Kate and Diego? Calm down.
This is supposed to be your Mimi-me day.
- All right.
- I'm not gonna let the "Cientificos Sexy" cast ruin that for you.
Why don't you download the meditation app? You just take a couple breaths and relax.
- All right.
- Hey! And if you figure out how to turn off that gong noise, let me know.
Uh, hi, everybody.
Can I get your attention? [laughs softly.]
Thank you all for coming out today.
Uh, just one quick announcement before we get started.
Today's gonna be very hot, so-- Okay, I was gonna say "Stay hydrated," but that works too.
- [both smacking lips.]
- Diego.
[both purring.]
Seriously? I-I'm right here.
both: Mmm.
Julio, what are you doing here? I just started on "Cientificos Sexy.
" I'm the handsome new janitor with a shocking secret.
Did they tell you what it is? - No.
- They never do.
Look, I can't be seen with you.
Try to forget I exist.
- What the hell? - What am I gonna do? We're on rival shows.
We can't be together.
You're star-crossed lovers.
The Capulets and the Montagues-- Romeo and-- huh, also Romeo.
[drill whirs.]
We did it! [cheering.]
Now that we finally figured out how to turn on the tools, let's do this.
[upbeat music.]
- That's not how you do it.
- All right, you be the boss.
You go in and out, in and out.
It's backwards and forwards first of all, all right? - How'd these two ever have sex? - [scoffs.]
Stop it.
Stop it.
rolling my sleeves up to here to make you smile ear to ear girl I've been hitting that hitting that graveyard shift you won't find another one built for this - dirty work - ooh dirty work I don't know why he's so cocky.
Everything above his lip and below his nose if fake.
How do you know? I've been in this business a long time.
I can spot a fake body part a mile away.
- Like his mustache? - And your nose.
- I had a deviated septum.
- We all did, sweetheart.
Come on, let's take him down.
You'll help me? I only have one rule.
Don't fall in love with me.
dirty work Yee, we did it.
We put up a wall.
[gong ringing.]
Is that my phone? I'll get a new phone.
Look, the point is, we banded together as a team, and we built something really beautiful.
I'm proud of us.
What's going on? [overlapping chatter.]
Ana, you're just in time.
We're about to show the Torres family the new kitchen we built for them.
How? It's been four hours.
I know, I know.
I wish we could have done more.
Look at that backsplash.
It's not that impressive.
Mrs.
Torres, I'm honored to present to you your new kitchen.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
And what a new kitchen without a new man? Coming out, Mr.
Torres [excited yelling.]
Okay, well, let's take a family picture in front of your brand new wall.
[cheering.]
- It is a nice backsplash.
- Beautiful.
Well, Kate and Diego officially win.
What were we thinking? Every time we team up, we fail horribly.
I guess we just have to face it.
They're better together than we ever were.
You're right.
God, I can't believe at the end of the day, all we have to show for ourselves is one stupid wall.
[gong ringing.]
Give me this.
[grunting.]
Well, this has been a disaster-- - losing to those hacks.
- Yeah, I know.
Look at him.
He's not giving that mustache any respect.
He doesn't deserve to wear it.
You're right.
[playful music.]
Got a little schmutz.
- May I? - Of course.
I know you women can't resist touching it.
- Go ahead.
- [Laughs softly.]
Wh-- I think-- Why won't this come off? I know it's fake.
You are both insane! I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[screams.]
- There you are.
- Huh, if it isn't Mr.
Perfect.
Shouldn't you and Mrs.
Perfect be off baking cookies with the Pope? Aw, you saw our Christmas special? Anyway, I'm-- I'm sorry about earlier.
I know sometimes we get a little carried away.
- Yeah, especially Kate.
- I know.
She just-- she sees how happy and beautiful you are.
- She just gets so jealous.
- Jealous? Of me? You know, she's not the only one - that thinks you're beautiful.
- Oh, yeah, I know.
I saw Grandpa Torres giving me the eye.
[squeals.]
- What the hell? - I couldn't help myself.
What? Wait.
You are married to my enemy.
And I know a really good way for you to get back at her.
No, I want no part of it.
- I meant sex.
- Yeah, I know what you meant.
[playful music.]
Julio-- Julio! Where are you Julio? I am right here.
Did anyone see you? No, I told them I had to take a break for my afternoon crunches.
Actually, it's about that time.
Me too.
What are we gonna do? As long as we're on rival shows, we can never be together.
Huh, I could quit and just be a doctor like the rest of my family.
Hey, don't say that.
We should just tell them how we feel and whatever happens happens.
Can I tell you a secret I have never told anyone? Yes.
If you put your shoulders back, you can isolate two muscle groups.
You are in a warm cocoon.
Block out all distractions.
[heavy footsteps.]
- Relax.
- Mimi, Mimi.
- Crisis, I need you.
- No, no, no.
You said I could have my Mimi-me day, and I'm not gonna let anything in the-- - Diego kissed me.
- I'm in.
Can you believe it? I thought he and Kate were the perfect couple.
- I feel so bad for her.
- Ana, you're smiling.
I am? Oh, uh.
No, I really do feel bad.
When Javi cheated on me, I was the last to find out.
And I don't like Kate, but she needs to know.
I have to tell her her marriage is a lie.
- Still smiling.
- I can't stop.
- Kate.
- Ana.
- How's your wall? - Drop it, Kate.
This is serious.
Diego kissed me.
Now I know how upset you must be.
I will give you the name of my divorce lawyer, and I will be your friend through this.
I mean, not your best friend, but, like, we could get coffee once or twice.
Once.
You think you're so special.
Diego cheats on me all the time.
But I thought you two were so happy.
It doesn't matter if we're happy.
It matters if people think we're happy.
Our marriage is a sham, but it's great for publicity.
I'm sure it was the same for you and Javi.
No, I married Javi because I loved him.
Really? Weird.
Wow, I'm so sorry, Kate.
[upbeat Latin music.]
Sorry? Sorry? Excuse me, my life is perfecta.
- Don't walk away from me.
- Or what? Or-- or say goodbye to your little white outfit.
No! [dramatic Latin music.]
Ah! Oh-- oh, Javi! You saved me.
- It was nothing, babe.
- Seriously, Diego? You saved yourself? Why can't we be more like them, huh? Everybody stop fighting.
Yeah, it kind of just fizzled out on its own.
Well, then, stay stopped fighting.
Your petty feud is getting in the way of true love.
Tell them, Gael.
Julio and I know being together is forbidden, but we don't care.
You guys together? Ah, que lindos.
[all swooning.]
I mean, holiday parties might be awkward, but you guys are happy, we're happy.
They make a cute couple.
So, it's not forbidden? Oh, it doesn't make it any less hot.
- Right? - Sure.
Yay! Together forever.
I'll be home soon, boys.
I love you too.
You know, whenever I'm at work I realize how much I love being your-- Diego, quit hitting your brother.
I swear to God when I get home.
I'm never gonna be as cool a villain as Armando.
Listen to me 'cause I'm only gonna say this once.
You don't need a mustache.
Your mustache is right in there.
You act a million times better than Armando ever could.
coming over, coming over Ugh, they always fall in love.
isn't it strange that every time Thanks for having my back in there.
You're a pretty good person to have on my team.
And I'm sorry I said Kate and Diego were better than us.
We were so jealous of them.
We could have done the same thing they did-- had a sham marriage just for publicity.
No way.
I'm happy as what we are.
- Exes? - Friends.
all I need is you and a bit of music - Ho-ho! - You're right.
We are friends.
Besides, you took a paint glob for me.
Thanks to you, I stayed clean as always.
coming over, coming over What are we gonna do about this mess? We'll write a big check.
We kind of moved a little fast today.
Maybe we should start with an actual date.
When are you free? My cheat day is Saturday, so-- Ugh, I'm Tuesdays.
[acoustic Latin music.]
Let's say our diets on three.
One, two-- - Vegan.
- Paleo.
- So, I'll text you.
- I'll find you on Facebook.