Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
- $6 for a shirt?
- Isn't that what shirts cost?
- $9 dollars for pants?
- How much cheaper could pants
possibly be?
- Excuse me, ma'am,
if you're interested,
we have this rack over here
for a dollar a shirt,
- The Reject Rack?
- No, we're not
Reject Rack people.
- We actually are
Reject Rack people.
- No, we're pretty classy.
- I would like
to check these out.
- Who would wear these?
- Tom, look at this one.
"My other T-shirt
is a jean jacket."
- I can't wear that to school.
I'll be laughed
out of the place.
- Tom, Count Chocula
on a skateboard.
- Mom, Mom, these T-shirts
are terrible.
- Oh, buddy. "Here's the beef."
And it's got an arrow
pointing down to your crotch.
- These clothes have been
rejected by society.
- Tom, they're a dollar.
Now go pick your favorite ten,
and your wardrobe's all set
for the next year.
- They're all equally bad.
- Pick your favorite ten
of the equally bad ones.
I hope you can find
some winners.
[bell rings]
- Hey, Nelson,
can I ask you a question?
What's your honest take
on this shirt?
- Oh, Tom, it's a look.
It's definitely a look.
- Yeah?
- But this one might be
a little bit too much.
- I should've worn
the Mitt Romney one.
Dakota, what do you think?
- Oh, wow.
I can't tell if I'm offended
or I'm really impressed.
- Offended?
The guy at the thrift shop
clearly said,
"No nips, no problem."
- I think as we get older,
one thing you're gonna look
back on is
which adults you listened to.
- Okay, gang.
Today we are playing kickball.
So I need you to split up
into two teams--
wait, hold on a second.
Uh-uh. No, no, no.
Not in my class.
- Oh, the T-shirt?
Is it--you don't like the--
the partial nudity?
- Think I care
about nudity, boy?
- No.
- I will not have
a student of mine
wearing a Red Sox garment.
- Oh, the Red Sox.
- In this class,
we are Yankee fans.
- Oh, no, I'm not
a fan of anything.
It's just a random
thrift shop purchase.
- Tom, the playoffs are
coming up
and I can't afford you
to jinx it.
The shirt's gotta go.
- What do you--you want me
to remove my--my shirt?
- Take it off.
- No, I can't take it off.
I mean--
- Oh, you're taking it off.
Tell you what,
you don't take it off--
- Please. Please.
- I'ma take it off for you.
That's right. Come here.
- Stop, stop.
- This is a new low,
even for our school.
- Go ahead. Film it.
Everybody film it.
I want the world to know
that Boston sucks.
Now give me this shirt. Yes!
- You're out of control, Coach.
- I'm not.
This is what I think
of your Red Sox around here.
- Oh, my god.
- Now watch it burn, kids.
Watch it burn.
[exciting music]
- I'm on the field
where earlier today,
an enraged sports fan
burned the shirt of a student.
Here's a clip of the horror
as it unfolded.
- Tom, you sit in the corner
and you watch this shirt burn.
Damn it.
- Can you even imagine
what was going on
in this maniac's mind?
I know I can't.
This shirtless child should act
as a reminder to us all
that hey, it's just a game.
- Okay, I know how this looks,
everybody,
but that clip was
taken out of context.
- Was it?
- Yes.
They didn't show
any of the kickball stuff.
- This is bad, okay?
We can't be teaching kids
how to hate.
- I don't get
where it comes from myself.
My Uncle Bill is from Boston,
and he's a really sweet guy.
- Uncle Bill sound
like a damn fool.
- Why? Based on what?
- He just sounds like a idiot.
- Okay.
This is what I'm talking about.
Let's make this
a teachable moment.
- Teachable moment? How?
- How?
- Yeah, how?
- I'll tell you how.
We do a field trip
to a Red Sox game,
and we show these kids
that no matter where you go,
people are basically the same.
- We gotta go on field trips?
Or how about we just say sorry?
What happened to that?
Look, look, watch me.
Sorry, Tom. Whoops!
- That felt insincere at best.
- Sounds lazy.
- I was sincere as a mother--
- Oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, hey, oh!
Listen, it's decided.
The kids are going
to a Red Sox game,
and Coach, you're gonna
be their chaperone.
- What?
- Oh, that's fun.
That'll be great.
- Ugh. Okay, fine. I'll go.
But I'm just letting
y'all know,
I refuse to enjoy myself.
- That's fair.
That's a good compromise.
[upbeat rock music]
♪
- What a day at Fenway
as we commemorate the date
Babe Ruth first signed
with the team.
- Oh, this is fun.
We're in Boston. Here we go.
- Yeah, I'm excited. Come on.
- Look at you guys.
What a symbol
of unity and harmony.
Have fun today.
- Thanks, Bus Driver.
- All right, let's go.
- You know what? I can't do it.
- Can't do what?
- Now that we're here,
I just can't let my shoes touch
Red Sox asphalt.
- Come on, Coach.
We drove three
and a half hours.
- We're here to take
a picture of me and you
hugging at Fenway, so
- Hugging?
Listen, I ain't hugging shit.
- What?
- Go without me.
- Yeah, but we've gotta see
the trip through.
You can't say
"I'm not hugging shit."
- Uh, the bus driver will
take you.
Y'all--y'all go
with the bus driver.
- Does he even count
as a grownup?
- He's more of, like,
a man child, right?
- How about this?
Nelson, turn on the video call,
and you just check in with me,
and I'll see it from here.
- Man, come on, Coach.
- Please stop talking about it.
Get off this bus
and go in there and do
whatever the teachable nonsense
y'all supposed to be doing.
- I don't think you understood
the premise of the trip.
I really don't.
- Whee!
Coach, we are good!
- Hey, Coach.
- Look at this. Wow.
- All right. Look at you guys.
I knew y'all could do it.
I knew it.
- Very safe. Very safe.
- That fresh Boston air.
Who knew?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Uh-oh. Oh man, look.
- Look at what?
- What kind of asshole lunatic
shows up to a Sox game
in a Yankee cap?
- Oh, no.
- This is not good.
- Wait, what's not good?
- Yes, yes, I'm wearing
a Yankees cap.
How about no swearing
in front of the kids?
Maybe switching it up
and saying "tush" or "heinie."
- Okay, fine.
Do you want us to shove
that cap up your "tush"?
Or up your "heinie"?
Or straight up your asshole?
- Oh!
- Yeah, you can't say
the last part.
I mean, that defeats
the whole purpose.
Hey, what--
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no?
[all speaking at once]
- Don't take his pants off.
- What--whose pants?
What is happening out there?
- Coach, you gotta
get out here now.
- For what?
- Kids, run!
- Run for your lives.
- Go, go, go!
- Where is the bus driver?
- Can somebody open
the dumpster?
- In retrospect, I agree
I was a poor choice
of a chaperone!
- I am freaking out.
We do not have a chaperone.
- All right, don't panic.
Everyone's panicking.
- We need to pick
a de facto leader.
- How about me?
- You?
- What? No, Tom.
- No. No.
- No, no, hear me out.
I know the ball boy here.
- What?
- Wh--so?
- My Uncle Bill
is a senior ball boy.
- Isn't that, like,
a volunteer position?
- The important thing is,
I've got a contact,
so let me call the guy.
- All right.
- All right, here you go.
[phone beeps]
[line rings]
- Tommy.
- Hey, Uncle Bill.
It's Tom from New Jersey.
- Why does he have to say
where he's from?
- Listen, I can't talk now.
I'm taking a dump.
- What?
- I can't get off
the can, Tommy!
- Uncle Bill,
please don't hang up.
No, no, no.
- [laughs]
- Who answers a FaceTime call
while you're shitting?
- Yeah.
- You know what?
I just thought of something.
- Yeah?
- My dad knows
the owner of the team.
- What?
- You should have
mentioned that sooner.
- Yeah!
- Your dad knows the owner
of the Red Sox.
- That's correct.
- Yeah.
As soon as I said "ball boy,"
you should have offered
all this up.
- Name?
- Nelson.
My dad is friends
with the owner.
Defended him once in court.
- I got a Nelson out here.
Yeah, he says his dad
defended you once in court.
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, no can do.
He says your dad's an asshole.
- Oh, my dad put a much better
spin on the whole friendship.
- Sir, I can't imagine
this is gonna have much sway,
but my Uncle Bill is actually
a ball boy here at the stadium.
- Wait a second.
Your uncle is Enormous Bill?
- Yeah, I mean, he is enormous.
- I had no idea
that Enormous Bill
even had a family.
- Oh, yeah.
- He's a legend here.
You know what?
- That's great.
- Come on in here.
- Wow.
I didn't expect that to work.
- Hey, guys, this is
Enormous Bill's nephew.
- No way.
You talking about Loner Bill?
- No, he's got a family.
- This is incredible.
- You must be Tom.
- I am.
- Your Uncle Bill is
a real character.
- I can't believe you know
my Uncle Bill.
- Yeah, messes up
the bathrooms,
but he is beloved around here.
Everybody loves him.
- Yeah, my uncle's a fun guy.
Oh, and this is
my good buddy Nelson.
I think you know his dad.
- This is the kid
with the asshole father?
- What?
- Get him outta here.
Can someone have
this kid removed?
- Wait, gets your hands
off of me!
Back in Jersey,
people find me adorable!
- So, Tom,
wearing a Yankee cap?
That's a bold choice, son.
- Oh, no, no.
We're on a field trip.
My teacher had burned
my Red Sox jersey,
so this is a field trip
to learn about tolerance.
- Wait a minute.
You're the boy from the video.
- That's me.
- The shirtless idiot.
- No, no one calls me that,
but, I mean
- You are a legend, sir.
- That's good.
- That story shone
such a bright
and necessary light
on a very real problem.
- It's true.
People can be maniacs.
- I'd like to shake
your hand, Tom.
- Actually,
this is why I came here.
Dakota, get a picture of this.
This is good.
- Great.
- Just shaking hands.
- It's great. I got it.
- This is great.
You know what?
- Yeah?
- I'm gonna do you one better.
- Okay.
- Linda, tell Casey Affleck
he's bumped.
Tom here, the shirtless idiot,
he's throwing out
the first pitch.
- I'm on it,
but I'm not telling the guy.
You tell him.
- Me? Oh, no, no.
I'm not good on the phone.
- Hey, this is Casey.
- Hey, Casey Affleck. It's Tom.
Sounds like you're out
and I'm in, so
- And who the fuck
are you, Tom?
- Just Tom from Jersey.
Bassoon player--
- What are you talking about?
- Pooped my pants once.
- This is bush-league!
- You know what?
I don't have time to talk.
I gotta go.
- Great. It's done.
- I don't think the fans
wanna see me.
I don't have any fans.
- All right, Boston fans,
in ten minutes,
we've got the shirtless idiot
throwing the first pitch.
[cheers and applause]
- Okay, Tom, you're here.
This is gonna be
so much fun, right?
- Yes. All right.
- Okay.
- This will be fun.
- Listen to me here.
We got ten minutes.
When the light flashes,
we're live.
- Okay.
- Wave to the crowd.
Say something cute.
- What?
- Then fire a fastball.
- Fastball?
- And make sure you land it.
You cannot pull a 50 Cent
or a Mariah Carey.
- You know, I don't do well
in high-pressure situations.
- Oh, God.
- Can I run to the bathroom
real quick?
- Okay. But hurry.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Everybody,
move off to the sides.
We got
the honorary first pitcher,
and he's gotta take a pee.
- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
Hey. What the hell?
- A Yankee cap in Fenway?
- Oh, oh, that.
We're on a peace summit
of sorts.
- You better start to pee-pee
right now.
- Come on, guys, please.
This is a lot of pressure.
both: One, two, three.
- Guys, please, I can't pee--
- Four, five.
- With the countdown.
- Seven.
- Can you please?
- C'mon!
- I can't imagine any urine's
about to come out of me.
- All right, come here.
Help me grab this kid.
- No, no, no.
- Come here!
- You had your chance.
- This is socially--
- Now get outta here!
- Tommy. Holy shit.
Is that you?
- Oh, Uncle Bill. Hey.
- Oh, my God. Come here.
This kid's my nephew.
Give me a hug, you big
goofy-looking son of a bitch.
Come here.
- Hey. Oh, whoa, whoa.
- [growling]
- Not in the bathroom.
Uncle Bill, it's too much.
Listen, it's a long story,
but I'm actually throwing out
the first pitch of the game.
- Wow.
- And I needed to pee first.
It's an emergency.
I gotta find a bathroom.
- Okay. Okay. Listen, listen.
As the senior most ball boy
here, I got full access.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah, come on.
Come on, I'll show you.
- Oh, my god.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry. He's under my watch.
- Well, listen,
I hate to pull rank here,
but ball boy
outranks security guard.
- Ah, I don't know, Bill.
- Does ball boy
outrank anything?
- There's no time to argue.
We gotta pee. Come on!
We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪
We're gonna make
a pee-pee-pee-pee ♪
We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪
All right, Tommy.
See that grass out there?
- Yeah?
- That grass is all yours.
[heavenly music]
- Oh, thank you so much.
This is perfect.
- Anywhere you want.
[zipper unzips]
- Oh, this is a pleasure.
Oh, thank you, Uncle Bill.
- You're welcome, man.
- Bro, what the eff, man?
- Oh, oh, I'm good.
I'm with Uncle Bill.
- No, you're not good.
What are you doing?
- I'm with Uncle Bill, I said.
- You're pissing on Babe Ruth's
original mitt from 1914.
- Oh, no.
- Look at this kid.
He's pissing on Ruth's mitt.
[crowd booing]
- What the hell?
- Oh, that's disgusting.
- You suck!
- No. Honest mistake.
I meant no disrespect.
- This is the ultimate
disrespect, you little shit.
- Oh, no, if we blame anyone,
I mean, let's blame
Casey Affleck, right?
Right, Uncle Bill?
- Uncle? No.
I never met this kid.
I'm the senior Ball Boy.
I got stuff to do.
- Uncle Bill.
- Get him, guys!
[all shouting]
[exciting music]
- Get in here. Get in here.
I got a text saying
that our very own Tom
is going to throw out
the first pitch at Fenway!
Are you shitting me?
- Sad day at Fenway
as there will be no
ceremonial first pitch thrown.
A child named Tom was
scheduled to participate,
but instead,
he pulled out his wiener
and urinated
on Babe Ruth's mitt,
further enflaming tensions
- Well, that was disappointing.
That's why I don't like
to get excited.
- And there he is,
the little maniac
that urinated
on Babe Ruth's mitt.
This child right here,
in a nutshell,
is what's wrong with sports.
[upbeat rock music]
[bell rings]
- Tom, take this the right way,
but I'ma put some feelers out
for a new lab partner.
- Why, you're not happy
with the volcano?
- No,
it look like a pile of manure!
It don't even erupt.
- You know what?
I grabbed some
extra stuff from home.
Let's see if this works.
- What you got? What you got?
- We got blackberry brandy,
windshield washer fluid,
and mountain breeze
air freshener.
- Okay.
- That's gotta burn, right?
- We can work with this.
- Right?
- Put these on.
- Nice.
- I'll stand
at a safe distance.
You start dumping things
until it explodes.
- Why am I doing all the work
on this team?
I built the volcano.
- Tom, we've been over this.
I'm the scientist.
You're the unskilled laborer.
Now start dumping.
- Okay, step back.
Let me show you
how science works.
A couple fluid ounces of this.
Brandy.
That's weird.
It's not erupting.
- Here, here.
Let's do this the Nelson way.
Oh. Whoa.
- Oh, no! Oh, no, flames!
Oh, no, what's happening?
Oh, no!
Everybody run!
Run for your lives!
We're all gonna die!
We're all gonna die!
- Is nobody gonna put out
the stupid volcano thing--
[scoffs]
Okay. I guess I'll do it.
[applause]
[horn blares]
- Hey, hey, kids.
Your principal called me in
to talk about fire safety.
Now, I know I'm not supposed
to curse in front of you,
but who knows what a pussy is?
- Um, a person like Tom?
- What?
- Exactly. Come here, buddy.
This little guy right here.
- Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- He saw the flames.
- Oh, no--
- And he ran.
- You got it all wrong.
I ran to get
the fire extinguisher.
I'm a hero.
- You fled the scene.
- I fled out of bravery
to save everyone.
I fled to save.
- You think that's
what Superman does?
You think Superman flies away
for a bit
and then comes back to save?
- I'm sure he does
all kind of things.
- Horrible person. Look at him.
Yasmine here, she ran
to the flames and saved lives.
Hero.
[applause]
- Guys, come on, we--
all right,
tell the dog to relax.
She literally poured
iced tea on a volcano.
- Excuse me?
- I'm just saying,
hero might be a strong word.
I mean, let's--
- Where I come from,
we have respect
for first responders.
- I don't know if I'd call her
a first responder. She's--
- Now you're
being disrespectful.
You gotta leave the truck area.
- She took two steps.
I don't wanna leave
the truck area.
[dog growling]
- Say you're sorry,
and then get
the fuck outta here.
- How is there no teacher
out here to supervise us?
- Tom, before you
do these things,
you need to ask yourself,
how will this affect Nelson?
- I know. I shouldn't have run.
I shouldn't have
run and screeched.
- Come on, you old piece
of pain in the tush!
Ah, sorry for
the language kids,
but I can't get
this thing into gear.
Mother-bleeping C-word!
Stupid B-hole bus.
Get that heinie into gear,
you piece of caca!
- I don't think these
kid-friendly curses
are really landing.
- Ill rip your ding-a-ling off,
you GD bus!
[bus grinding]
Okay, kids, stand back.
I'm igniting
a common safety flare.
- Whoa.
- Whoa, no need to panic, Tom!
- Panic? I-I literally said
whoa in a deadpan voice.
- No, Tom panicked.
- I didn't panic.
I'm not panicking.
- Don't flee the scene, Tom.
[laughter]
- This is the opposite
of fleeing.
I'm literally standing here.
- Okay, kids,
you stay here by the bus.
Try not to get shot.
Tom, hold this flare.
Come over here.
- Okay, more fire. What's up?
- Here's the deal.
I need a new bus.
- Okay.
- And you need an opportunity
to look like a hero.
- I do need that.
- So tomorrow morning,
we fake an emergency
on the school bus.
- Fake emergency? No.
- Picture this:
the bus explodes.
You come running in.
- I don't like to run.
- You haul my ass
out of the bus.
Everyone will think
you're a hero,
and I'll have a new vehicle.
- That sounds abnormally dicey.
- Trust me.
I know a guy
who could rig it all up.
I mean, we're good.
- Wow, you know a guy who does
fake school bus explosions?
That's amazing.
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, what's up, player?
I remember you.
- This is the guy? Glenn?
- Hell yeah.
- Oh, you know each other?
- You don't remember
he sold me drugs
and I shoved them up my butt
and there was a whole scandal?
- Yes!
- Anyway, so you know
what you're doing here?
You can help
with the fake fire and smoke?
- Does a cat have six tits?
- Six tits?
I have no idea.
Not a cat owner.
- Boom.
- Oh, wow. Look at that.
- Worked on a Michael Bay
picture back in the day.
So I know my way
around special effects.
- This is impressive stuff.
You rigged
all these explosions?
- Hell yeah, dude.
Renaissance man and shit,
you know what I'm saying?
I'm all the ninja turtles
wrapped into one.
- He's a wizard, Tom.
- You know what's up.
So anyway,
here's the plan, dawg.
I'll rig the bus
with harmless movie smoke.
- Nice.
- And on my cue,
the driver screams,
"Run for your lives.
This bitch is gonna blow."
That's what's up.
- I question some
of the dialogue, but--
- Anyway, so then Tom says,
"Not on my watch.
First responder
coming through."
- I like that.
- Then Tom drags you out,
and I'll be playing
some type of Aerosmith song
in the background.
Boom. Credits roll.
Any questions, gentlemen?
- Zero questions.
- Let's just hope for the best.
[dramatic music]
- This is Cobra,
your eyes on the ground, over.
- This is Stallion.
Radio check, over.
- This is Tom.
Radio check, over.
- Tom, use the code names,
remember?
I'm Cobra. He's Stallion.
You're Louise.
- I feel like I got
the worst nickname.
Can I say that?
- Please identify yourself.
- Louise in position, over.
- Thank you.
All right, guys, it's go time.
And in the off chance
the bus does actually explode
and everyone dies,
that's my bad.
I apologize in advance.
[machine beeping]
- Help, I'm stuck!
The bus is gonna blow!
- Oh, my God, someone's gotta
help the bus driver.
- Everyone, relax.
You're in good hands.
First responder's on the scene.
- When a hero comes along ♪
And saves a life today ♪
- Tom just ran into the bus!
- Is this really happening?
- Who is playing this music?
It is fucking perfect!
- When a hero comes along ♪
You will not forget ♪
- He's alive!
Are you seeing this?
- Whoo, this little guy
saved my life.
Thank you, Tom.
[cheers and applause]
- You know what, Tom?
You're a hero.
- Please, please.
Don't call me a hero.
It's just what I do.
I run towards fire.
I run towards fire and flames.
- Look at that article.
- Thanks, Mom.
This--this is amazing.
- Well, I wanted to treat you
to something nice.
This is big.
I'm, like, an A-list mom now.
- But the hero's mom is usually
not the focus of the story.
- Well, it should be
'cause the hero had to come
out of the mom.
- Hey, hope you folks
enjoyed your meal.
We are so grateful
for what your son did.
Can I have everyone's
attention, please?
- What are you--what are you--
- My dad, God rest his soul,
was a first responder
like this young man here.
He performed many heroic acts.
Saved an old lady
in a kayak once.
- That's amazing.
- Pulled multiple cats
from trees--
- Multiple cats?
- But he tragically died while
trying to deep fry a turkey.
- Oh, what a story.
- So as a tribute to him,
we'd like to offer Tom
free meals for life.
[applause]
- Wow.
- That's amazing. Thank you.
- This is for you, Dad.
- Oh, my God.
Can my mom eat free too?
- Well
- Yes, we'll extend it
to the whole family.
- Oh, wow!
How about Nelson? Nelson too?
- Is he family?
Who's this Nelson?
- He's more of a friend,
but, you know--
- We'll discuss it.
- He's in.
We'll make it a friends
and family deal.
We'll even name a dish
after you.
Anything you want.
- Something cheap.
Like, a hot dog, maybe?
- How about something fancy?
Why don't you carve a bust
of Tom's head out of meat
- Wait, what?
- Drench it in gravy,
and then light it on fire.
- That sounds
insanely expensive.
- In memory of Dad,
consider it done.
[cheers and applause]
- Kids, I hope you're enjoying
the new B3000
and the fact
that Tom saved my life.
Tom, say a few words.
- Hi, glad I could save
everyone's lives
and get us a sweet new bus.
I know I put
Yasmine's rescue to shame,
but hey, it's not
a competition, so thank you.
- I heard you get free food
at the diner.
Can we get in on that?
- Sorry, Hector.
It's just friends
and family, so
- Wait, are we not friends?
- Friends?
I mean, more bus mates.
- So we're all just
nameless faces on a bus?
Wow.
[all booing]
- Oh, hey. Stop. Stop.
- Eat this, Tom!
- Tom, you're losing
the crowd, man.
Tell 'em what they wanna hear.
- All right, you know what?
Fine.
If you go to the diner,
just tell 'em Tom sent you.
[cheers and applause]
- Hi, I'd like to order
the Tom Special,
and can I get that for free?
'Cause my best friend
Tom sent me.
- Can I get a flaming
meat things for free?
Yeah, I'm friends
with the little dude
who did the thing with the bus.
Yeah, I'm also friends
with Michael Bay, no big deal.
- Hi, I'm friends with Tom
and I'm also a first responder.
I put out a volcano.
And so I'd like
a Tom Special for free.
So that's a dozen Tom Specials.
All for free.
- Yep.
- Since these people
are friends and family.
- And Mountain Dews
all around, baby.
- [sighs]
- Thank you.
You guys are very generous.
Kinda like royalty
in this place.
The king of the diner.
They treat me nice.
- I can't believe this weasel
keeps coming in.
He brought ten friends, Pete.
- She talking about me?
- Well, we did make the offer.
- He's double-fisting the most
expensive things on the menu.
- Double-fisting?
- Calm down, honey.
- Let's just hope
he unexpectedly dies
or moves out of town.
- Wow, Tom. Oof.
Man, you really screwing over
these nice people.
- She's much friendlier
when she's taking the orders.
- I can't believe this is free!
10 pounds of meat
carved into the shape
of your son's head?
- Hey, those are the perks
of having a hero son.
[door clicks]
- Oh, hey, Ma.
What the hell is going on here?
- I started
a Free Food Snack Club
for some of the moms.
- What? All right.
You know what? That does it.
We need to cut this off.
Everybody out.
Party's over.
Donate the meat to somebody.
- Ladies, excuse me
for a second.
I'm gonna go talk to my son.
He seems to be
having a breakdown.
[whispering]
Hey, what are you doing?
- Cindy, can you cut off
a chunk of Tom's face for me?
- You're gonna come in here
and boss your mom? Uh-uh.
- I just don't wanna take
advantage of this poor couple.
I mean--
- That's real sweet.
Is that what you want me
to tell you right now?
You're a good person.
- I don't want to be the reason
they go out of business.
- Ugh, all right.
You know what? Fine.
If you want to end this,
I have a solution.
Ah, thanks for seeing us.
That blurb you wrote
on my son was very nice.
- Well, you got a very brave
young man here.
- Tell her
what you wanna do, Tom.
- You know, a lot of people
are taking advantage
of the diner's free food offer.
So I just wanna put out
a county-wide alert that says,
"Tom wants you
to knock it off."
- Well, it's no bus rescue,
but it is a nice gesture.
I'll put something
in the next issue.
It'll be out in two weeks.
- Oh, no,
we can't wait two weeks.
No, these people
are hemorrhaging money.
- I'm sorry.
The paper's biweekly.
And I know
biweekly is confusing,
but it's the type
where it's two times a month.
- You know what?
They'll be fine for two weeks.
Tom wants to do
the right thing,
but he also wants that blurb.
My boy likes his blurbs,
you know?
[keys clacking]
- [sighs]
Pete, this has gone too far.
We have to rescind the offer.
- Amanda, I gave Tom my word.
I can't just dishonor
my father like that.
- I'm going through
these receipts.
We're going out of business.
- What do you mean,
we're going out business?
- Just the gravy is $15,000.
- I cannot rescind this offer,
Amanda.
It's for my father, who died.
- [sighs]
If that's how you feel.
There's only one other option.
- Change the beef
to some type of hot dog meat?
- No, I was thinking
burn down the restaurant
and collect
the insurance money.
- Wow, you really
take things too far.
- Tom, this is
your best blurb yet.
- It's pretty good.
- Read it to me.
- "A local boy named Tom
has graciously declined
"to accept free food
at a local restaurant.
"When asked if he sees himself
as a hero, Tom boasted,
'Abso-freaking-lutely.
It's what I do.'"
- As a mom, this is what
it's all about, Tommy.
- This was worth the wait,
I gotta say.
- [sobbing]
[thunder rumbling]
Are you sure we can't
just refinance or something?
- Pete,
I already started the fire.
Now is not the time.
[horn honks]
- Hey.
- Hey, we're kinda busy here.
- Oh, no, don't worry.
I'm not here for free food.
I actually have great news.
- "Local hero graciously stops
accepting handouts,
asks friends to repay diner
for free meals"?
That's amazing!
But why didn't
you tell us sooner?
- Oh, Tom wanted to get a blurb
in the local paper,
and it's biweekly.
- It would have helped to have
this information sooner.
- Wait, what--what is that?
Is that smoke?
- Tom, run in and get
the fire extinguisher.
[smoke alarm beeping]
- Me? No.
- Of course you.
- Wait.
- What happened
to your courage? Get in there!
- That was a bus.
This is a diner.
It's a whole
different interface.
- Just go in there and save it
just like you saved
the school bus.
- I can't do it.
My mom simply won't allow it.
- I'm good with it.
I wanna see you
in action, buddy.
- Mom, come on.
- I'll do it!
- Oh, no.
- When a hero comes along ♪
And saves a life today ♪
- They're playing my song.
That's my song.
- Out of my way, Tom.
- Whoa. Oh, this is not good.
She's gonna die.
[fire extinguisher blows]
- All good.
Just a small grease fire.
[applause]
- You are a hero.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Not to be petty, but
technically, I responded first.
- What?
- Sure, I didn't do anything,
but I did respond.
At least give me credit
for that.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪