Testees s01e05 Episode Script

- You're back.
- Hey man, how are you? Don't how are you me, why didn't you tell me you'd be an extra day? What are you talking about? I told you I'd be 5 days.
It was six.
Travel days count Ron.
Traveling there, traveling back, counts.
Sorry, next time I'll tell my aunt to die closer to home.
- What did you miss me or something? - What? No, of course not.
You did.
You missed me.
You couldn't cope without me.
Don't be an ass-hole.
It's just the place.
It's a lot of work for one person.
Dishes to do, bills to pay.
Can't I go away for a few days without you going all homo on me? Oh please I was too busy to even notice you were gone.
Is that the same video game we were playing when I left? Yes it is, I paused it.
For 6 days? You missed me.
- Was it lonely by yourself? - Shut up.
You want a hug? Very funny.
Good morning testees.
Today you are experimenting with a powerful new adhesive.
What, like a glue? More like a new product for multi purpose adhesion.
So a glue.
- What, you want us to eat it? - No, you have to use it.
You're testing how it works on ordinary products people use in their daily lives, like you know, a plastic plug, a plastic knob, a rubber boot, a metal broach, a fish rod, a cycle grip, a model train, a model plane, a door knob screw, a flashlight case, the broken trim on any car.
Just dab it and stick it together.
It's not Jenga.
- What's your hurry? - I want to catch Amy before she leaves.
Give it up with Amy already.
She's not into you.
She's into me.
We'll see about that.
You just finish up okay.
And try not to miss me.
- Bathroom break.
- Be quick.
No Johnny it's not a date, okay.
It's a chance for me to help those less fortunate than myself.
No, that does not include you anymore.
I'll see you later.
- Boyfriend? - Ex.
He's not a bad guy though.
He works for the special or challenged persons association.
Wants me to do some volunteer work.
I really admire volunteers.
Doing all that work and they get nothing.
That's crazy.
- What do you want Ron? - Oh I was wondering if you wanted to maybe get a drink later with me.
You're kidding right? You're not really my type.
- Well what's your type? - Well not you someone someone I'gonna glue this stapler to his ass.
- It's going to be really funny.
- Sounds funny.
You know what's funnier? - What? - This.
What are you doing? - Get off of me.
- I can't I'm stuck.
- Get off! - I'm stuck! - Step back.
- You have to separate us.
- Get me off his ass.
- I'm sorry, - there is no solvent.
- Solvent? Get a scalpel and cut him off me! We could but you are going to lose a cheek each.
- What are we going to do.
- We're working on a solvent.
Why don't you just go home and sit tight.
Or better yet, do not sit.
Nugget you're a guy well sort of.
You want to see proof? There you go, check it out.
Get down.
Please, go on.
I need a guy's take.
I've been seeing somebody He dumped you.
It's because you're too old.
I get it.
It sucks.
No he didn't dump me, we're still dating.
But he won't do you.
You need implants.
I told you those fried eggs are a real turnoff.
- I have great tits.
- For a 6 year old maybe.
Every time we're doing it he just stops.
- Before you finish.
- Before he finishes.
He just gets dressed and takes off.
That is weird, because all guys care about is finishing.
I know, so why would he pull out and leave? Maybe he's using you, you know, saving the grand final for someone else.
I need a favor.
I want you to follow him, find out what he's up to.
Why not, I've never stalked a dude before.
Might be a challenge.
Don't move.
Not my head, on your ass.
- What's the matter with you? - Well you gotta try everything.
Try a little aim for god sakes.
You giving me shampoo? Put it on your ass.
What's the matter with you? Ronnie enough with the condiments all right.
- Nothings working.
- Nothings going to work, obviously the strongest glue ever made is no match for salad dressing and baked beans.
- Here's something powerful.
- Not the hot sauce? - Well I guess you're happy.
- My face is attached to your ass cheek, why the hell would I be happy.
Come on, our whole lives you've been sticking to me like glue.
This is your dream isn't it.
This is what I want.
Some people dream of models and money.
Not me, My life ling ambition was to have my face buried in your ass.
No, no, hold still Ronnie.
What are you doing Ronnie? Just a second on the shirt.
- Here we go.
I'm fine.
- Here we go, there we go.
We're fine.
Just do me up oh god will you just - just stay here - Don't move me.
- I've got gas, I've got gas.
- Let it pass please.
Okay.
There we go.
Lets get these puppies on - How do they look? - I cut the hole in the wrong side.
You idiot.
- I followed him.
- And? There's good news and bad news.
- Okay, what's the good news? - He's not cheating on you.
He's just saving his load so he can blow it at a sperm bank.
What? - Why? - Money.
500$ a pop and he's a frequent popper.
So he's been going to a sperm bank.
That's the good news? Then what's the bad news? They rejected me.
They said I didn't have the genes they were looking for.
Yeah, I get that.
And get this, they charge the couples a grand.
God, for a cup of sperm.
Weird how people would pay so much for something so easy to get.
I held out as long as I could.
This is your fault.
Let's get out.
- I need some fresh air.
- You need some fresh air? I need some fresh air.
I can't stay cooped up anymore.
Look, I'm not going outside like this.
Fine suit yourself, because I'm leaving.
Why don't we live in a building with a elevator? You know you two boys are so brave.
When a truck hit me and shattered my spine in three place I thought I had it rough.
- Seeing you is really inspiring.
- Really? Fused together since birth and somehow you struggle through.
This was just an accident.
God doesn't make accidents.
You're like that for a reason.
And I know what it is.
I work for the SCPA We are not adopting a cat, I'm sorry.
I know they're put to death and yes its very sad, but lets all admit it, cats are annoying.
They are, they're annoying.
What? Does that make me a bad person? No, just a confused one.
You're thinking of the SPCA.
I'm talking about the SCPA, the specially challenged persons association.
That's the organization Amy volunteers with.
That's right.
We're looking to put a face on disabled people.
- A face like yours.
- Really? What we need is an ambassador guys.
Someone who can travel around the world you know.
You'd be going to parties, mixing it up with celebrities - I don't know.
- What? Parties, celebrities, Amy - That's great.
- So auditions are tonight.
Auditions? More of a talent show really.
I'll be one of the judges.
I hope I'll see you tonight.
- You bet your ass.
- Great.
I get it by the way.
Very funny.
See you tonight friends.
Hey what's the deal? - Pete glued his face to my ass.
- Gotcha.
These gift bags are great.
Bedsore cream.
A free oxygen tank coupon.
A subscription to some wheelchair magazine.
I mean this is already amazing.
Ron Amy's out there.
She's a judge, she's going to rat us out.
What? No she won't.
Amy will love it.
I don't know.
Trust me this is going to be easy.
Look we haven't done the old routine since 7th grade.
They're disabled.
We're going to destroy.
I don't know, that kid with the flippers can really play that Jews harp.
I want you to put your hands together if you can and join me in welcoming a very special duo.
- That was good.
- It was good.
Not great, but good.
- What do you mean? - I just mean we were kind - of all over the place out there.
- Look what I'm dealing with here.
Can't you cut me some slack? You're not going to rat us out, are you? I was going to until I saw your act.
- It was cute.
- Really? I've been working with this organization for years.
It's very rewarding, very fulfilling.
Fellas great job.
You made the finals.
If you can do that again on Friday, I'm pretty sure the job's going to be yours.
We can do it again.
- You and Johnny? - Oh not for a while.
- Nice guy.
- that's one of the great things about the handi-capable.
Good hearts.
Well except for that girl with the pacemaker.
That was sad.
I've never seen you guys like this before.
I was impressed.
You want to get out of here and go grab a drink? - I'd like that.
- Really? Ron will you finish we're going in three hours.
Ron this is not my idea of a threesome.
You're going to break my neck.
Ron I don't like this.
- And this one? - Oh he's popular.
Eastern European, very affordable.
Olympic gymnast, Nobel prize winner and get this, his father invented curly fries.
- Am I interrupting? - No, not at all.
This is Mrs.
Thomas an old family friend.
- What's with the pics? - I took them I take pictures now.
- They're really good.
- Thanks.
They're really hot.
What can I say, I have an appreciation for the male form.
Right.
I don't even want to know.
Sorry about that.
That's another customer, very desperate, so sad.
- I'll take this one.
- Great.
The top one, it's good.
- It's warm.
- Yeah, its fresh.
It's supposed to be frozen.
I can't do this anymore Ronnie.
Are you kidding? We're about to be the fact of the disabled.
I thought about that.
Does it bother you that we're not disabled? No, not really.
We're faking it Ron.
- This is for people with special needs.
- I've got special needs.
I got a need to see the world and meet celebrities.
I got a need for more pity sex.
Speaking of which, we gotta book another round with Amy soon.
No way, forget it.
The finals are tonight.
I need you buddy.
I need a neck brace and some way to erase the things I saw last night.
I felt like a hemorrhoid in a porno.
Everything's going so great.
For you maybe.
You get the glory, the girls.
You don't have to live in fear of chili night.
Come on this is our chance to be famous.
We might hook up with some horny Brazilian Siamese twins.
- It's Biblical.
- I'm sorry buddy, I don't want to get famous by conning people into thinking I'm a freak.
Forget it.
I'm out.
Oh no, no, no.
You're stuck with me okay? So until they find a way of separating us we're in this together, like it or not.
Mr.
Mitchell, good news.
The solvent is ready.
Why don't you come in, we'll get you separated right away.
We don't need our rugs cleaned, thank you.
You know maybe we do.
I've never noticed how dirty they were.
You the guys from that clinic? - You're Sperm-a-Dime Industries.
- In the flesh dude.
We thought we'd be meeting you in your office or maybe your lab.
My lab? You guys know how impersonal labs can be.
Figured we meet here, have a drink, get to know each other Well we were very impressed by your website not to mention your prices.
Thank you, I worked all night on your order.
If all goes well today we might be able to work something out a little more long-term.
- Great, because I got it with me.
- It's here? - You have it here? - Here you go.
Never keep a customer waiting.
15 doses.
And you just mixed them all together.
Mixed this many eastern European geniuses together and you get like a super load.
- We're leaving.
- No, you can't leave.
I worked all night on this deal man.
150 for the whole shot that's like $10 a load.
- Come on! - Hey Nugget, what are you doing? And now, I would like welcome in the stage, the very inspirational and promising duo will they be the new face of the disabled? Let's find out.
I told you I don't want to do this.
- Pull yourself together.
- I can't feel my face.
I want to go home.
Give us a minute, give us a minute.
What the hell were you doing up there? I knew you'd drag me down.
I should have gotten - rid of you the second I had a chance.
- What chance? Like you said, you're stuck with me.
No, I'm not.
Testico called.
They've got a solvent.
- They can separate us any time.
- They called? When? - This afternoon.
- What? And you left me glued to your ass? And I did it for you.
You were going to give up on the chance of a lifetime.
- I couldn't let that happen.
- Don't ever talk to me again.
Sorry guys.
These things happen.
If its any consolation you're courage inspired a lot of people out there tonight.
I can't take inspiration to the bank can I Johnny? - Will inspiration get me laid? - Well if you'll excuse me.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm all right.
I don't know what I'm going to do with all this stuff.
- What a cup of conut milk? - It's not coconut milk.
- So hot - It's coconut milk, see.
What are you talking about? If this is coconut milk, then that's My pina colada mix.
- That cups full of giz - Oh my god - I kind of opened up a sperm bank.
- A what? You can't do that.
Sure I can, it's easy.
There's almost no regulation.
It's a good thing nobody ordered a pina colada.
So.
So what? - Are you not going to apologize? - Me apologize to you? I give us a shot at greatness and you blew it.
- and now we have nothing.
- Unbelievable.
Oh correction.
I do have one thing.
A date tonight.
So long Ron.
You know Ron, even though my face isn't glued to your butt anymore, when I look at you I still see an ass-hole.
- Hello there.
- Hello lovers.
- Where's peter.
What? - Cut him loose.
Now it's just you and me.
Oh, no, no, no, that's not going to work.
- It'll be so much less awkward.
- Yeah I know.
But I'm not a Siamese freak anymore, I'm a normal guy.
You know Ron, you're just not what I'm looking for.
The other night I thought we had a Grease off your leg braces.
Momma's coming back.
Guys I to talk to Pete.
- I thought you had a date.
- Well she's banging the paraplegic.
Some guys have all the luck.
Look Pete, I'm sorry.
Okay I'm sorry I was a douche and I'm sorry about calling you a homo just cause you missed me last week.
Fine.
It's okay.
Things happen.
Really? Here, have a pina colada.
Thanks.