That Damn Michael Che (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
- I don't know if
I'm gonna take the vaccine.
I think I'll take the vaccine,
but I don't know
if I'm gonna tell anybody.
It might just be, like,
a little dirty secret,
like voting.
I wish it was like
recommending a movie.
Somebody could be like,
"Should I take the vaccine?"
And I'd be like, "I liked it."
You know, I wish
it could be that casual.
[upbeat music]
- Che, baby, look, there's
no money coming in, all right?
COVID's dried everything up.
- All right, well, can't I
just do another animated movie?
Like, "Coco Shango:
The Sequel."
- No, that last one ate shit.
All the kids walked out.
- It was on streaming.
- Yeah, they walked out
of their houses,
into the street into traffic.
That's how bad it was.
- Damn.
- I'm not saying
it was your fault.
- Good, 'cause--
- But they're saying
it was your fault, all right?
Something about your voice
and your face.
- My face wasn't even
in the movie.
- Look, we gotta get you back
to doing standup, kid.
All right?
That's where you shine.
You're up stage.
"What's the deal--what's
the deal with this bullcrap?"
Huh?
Everybody's clapping.
They love it.
- I can't do standup, man.
It's a pandemic.
I can't go on tour.
- Yeah, but there's
a vaccine now, all right?
We get you the vaccine,
we start booking some dates,
and then by the summer, you'll
be back like a bump on a lip.
- Why do you always have
to get so fucking gross, man?
- 'Cause it's cool.
People like it.
- [sighs] I don't know
if I trust that vaccine, man.
- You better fucking
start trusting it,
or you're gonna have to sell
your fucking house.
- Hey, hey.
Calm down, man.
I don't have to sell my house.
There's other things
I could do.
I could sell my mother's
house.
- Look, they're only making
a very limited amount
of this vaccine,
and they're only giving it
to people who really,
really, really need it.
Look, I took it, and I'm fine.
- How'd you get it?
- I'm rich.
Come by my place this weekend.
We're having a vaccine party.
It'll be great.
- Am I gonna be
the only Black guy there
again?
- Yes, 100%.
[pensive bass line]
♪
- No matter how hard
you try ♪
You can't stop me now ♪
- Let's just address
the elephant in the room.
There's a lot of reasons
why Black people
don't trust this vaccine
or any vaccine,
but there's one reason
more that reigns supreme:
ooh, Tuskegee.
I will say that
the country came together,
it felt like,
during the pandemic.
But also there was
a lot of companies
trying to relate to us.
They act like
they was helping, but
we didn't need to hear
from all you motherfuckers.
Some of y'all
could've just kept quiet
and waited till the fall.
[warm music]
- We at White Castle are
here to salute
our frontline workers
and medical professionals
in these crazy times.
That's why,
since this pandemic started,
we were proud to donate
over 200,000 Crave Cases
to hospitals and frontline
workers as a thank you.
- And in our enthusiasm
to help,
we forgot our burgers tend
to rip straight through people.
[stomach gurgling]
- [moans]
- We deeply regret
the troubles our burgers
may have caused you
in these crazy times.
And we'd also like
to apologize
for all the invaluable
N95 masks
that had to be used
as little crap catchers
in emergency situations.
- Again, we just totally forgot
the damage
these little wet suckers
can do.
I mean, the only reason
we call them sliders
is because they slide
right through your body
at breakneck speed.
- [gags]
- Kinda makes you grateful
that one of the symptoms
is no sense of smell, right?
[laughs]
- [groans]
- What, I can't just go
for one laugh?
- In our defense, we never
expected White Castle
to last this long
as a business.
I mean, we've been trying
to sabotage this place
for years,
and people keep eating here.
- [sighs]
God.
I'd give anything right now
to go to a packed bar
or play a game of pool
or just look at chicks.
- And no, we don't believe
the crazy conspiracies
floating around
that all this started because
a bat ate at White Castle,
and then a guy ate that bat,
and it's all our fault.
- But we do believe we made
a lot of doctors and nurses
shit their pants
with our murder burgers.
And for that, we're sorry.
[hip-hop music]
♪
- [unintelligible]
Yo, I got white tees,
Clorox wipes,
Jew pants, masks, and
I got the new COVID vaccine.
Two for five, what's good?
- Wait, you got the vaccine?
Yo, let me get two doses.
- Yo, you actually
gonna take that shit?
- Hell, yeah, man.
I'm trying to get my life back.
- I ain't taking
that COVID vaccine.
- Why not?
- Because what if that shit
don't work?
- It work.
My shit loud.
Smell it.
- Hey, man.
I don't know
what I'd be smelling for.
- He right, though.
Yo, that vaccine might cause
mad problems for you.
- [scoffs]
Here we go.
- Word.
Give you the Elvis lip.
- That's stupid.
- Yeah, what if that shit
fuck up my liver?
Can't have that, mmm.
- It's true, though, man.
I don't trust
no drug companies.
They'll give you anything.
- Yeah, true.
- You gotta be careful
what you put in your body,
man.
- Word.
- So y'all know better
than Fauci?
I don't think so.
[clippers buzzing]
- Ooh.
Skepticism is almost an artform
in the Black community.
The more skeptical
you could be,
it's almost
the smarter you are.
You don't have
to really have to make sense.
[muffled laughter]
You just gotta be so skeptical
that we have to give it
some credence.
So much has happened to us,
that we're willing
to believe anything
to make it all make sense.
narrator: We now return
to the 1945 classic film,
"The Ticket."
[dramatic organ music]
- You think I'm stupid,
Clarence.
Where have you been?
- I told ya,
I was just at a party.
- For three days?
And you stink like liquor.
- I had a little taste.
- You was in Tuskegee with
that hussy again, wasn't you?
- Baby, I swear,
I ain't never been
in no damn Tuskegee.
- Oh, yeah?
Then why did I find
this old bus ticket
to Tuskegee in your jacket?
♪
- Okay, fine, I was
in Tuskegee a few times.
- I knew it!
- But it wasn't for no hussy.
I told you
I don't cheat no more.
- Then what was you
doing there?
- I was there doing
a top secret 'speriment
for the government.
- Why would the government
be doing a secret "'speriment"
with you?
- Because I'm smart,
and I got good ideas.
- No, you don't!
- Why you always feel the need
to cut me down?
That's why I drink so much.
- But your story
don't make no sense.
- Don't you see?
It's obvious they want me
to be a super soldier
in the army
so I can win the war
and spread justice
across the world.
That's it.
That can be my new name:
the Tuskegee Superspreader.
I like it.
- Yo, what about the flu shot?
I got that too.
all: No.
- You don't need no shot
for the flu.
Pushups and ginger ale, baby.
That's it!
- Yeah, I'd just take
the fucking flu
to be honest with you.
I mean, I could use a day off.
- Y'all niggas are mad scary.
I get the flu shot every year.
It's nothing.
- All right, well,
what if you fine
but your kids come out
all fucked up?
- You sound dumb as hell.
- You don't want
no fucked-up kids.
- Exactly.
- Last thing you want
is a fucked-up kid.
- I mean, like, if you
can avoid that, you should.
- I can't live
with no fucked-up kid, man.
- Oh.
[laughs]
- I wouldn't say that.
- I mean, coming out
all 'tarded, big-ass head.
I ain't doing that.
- Why--
Why you gotta go there, man?
- What's wrong with you?
- It's 2021.
- You know what?
G got a point though.
'Cause yo, I was reading
that doing vaccines
been causing mad problems
in children, yo.
- Like making them gay
and shit, right?
- Whoa, no.
I was--
- Again, see, man, why you
always gotta go that far?
- Wait a minute, G,
you got, like, eight kids.
You haven't vaccinated them?
- Hell nah.
They mothers
probably did though.
- [scoffs]
You are bugging, dog.
- Look, I vaccinated my kids,
I'm not gonna front,
but for, like, polio
and measles and smallpox.
- Rickets, asbestos.
- Old timey shit.
Not this COVID-19.
It's too new.
- I ain't gonna lie,
if I had kids,
I would give them
the COVID vaccine.
- So you would give
your baby something
that you don't trust
for yourself?
- I guess.
- Yup.
- And I sound stupid to you?
- Okay, but there's shit
that babies could have
that grownups can't have.
- Like drinking breast milk.
- Exactly!
- Or circumcising.
- Circumcising?
- That's like turning your
sweater into a sweater vest
but for your dick.
- Exactly.
You can do that shit to babies
because they can't feel it.
- Who told you that?
- I ain't never circumcising
my kids.
I'm not circumcised,
and look, I turned out good.
- Dog, you're selling vaccines
in a barbershop.
You're not good.
- No, you're not good.
- You're, like,
the opposite of good.
- I wouldn't use "good"
to describe you.
- Not at all.
[urinating]
- Davis.
- Oh, hey, Mr. Johnson.
- We were all very impressed
with your report, Davis.
Great work again.
- I really appreciate that,
sir.
- You know,
we could use a man like you
in our junior exec program.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- It would be an honor, sir.
[dramatic music]
- Uh, yeah, on second thought,
I've changed my mind.
You're not quite
the right fit.
♪
- Not again.
- Are you an adult male
that has not been circumcised?
I know I am.
And if you're like me,
you're probably wondering
what if there was a way
to decorate that extra flesh
on your penis so that
it wasn't just hanging there?
Well, now there is.
narrator: Introducing Dr.
Thurgood Carver's Dick Ties.
- This tiny bow
I've made to tie at the end
of your uncircumcised penis
so that it looks like
a cute little sausage link.
See?
Look how cute that looks.
Now I dare the fellows
in the shower down at the gym
to laugh at this.
[laughs]
They'll probably laugh anyway
just 'cause
they're not mature enough
to tell you why
they don't like something.
But you'll know it looks good,
and that's what matters.
Now, how much would you pay
for that?
$5, maybe $10?
Shit, I'd pay for that.
- Ah, Davis.
I wanted to talk to you
more about your reports.
They were--
[shimmering tones]
- Sir.
- Pretty good.
Pretty damn good, actually.
Hey, you got the promotion,
son.
[laughs]
- All right!
narrator: Dr. Thurgood
Carver's Dick Ties.
- [laughs]
- I'm surprised at you, Che.
I mean, you on TV.
I would've thought you got
the vaccine already.
- I mean, they're trying
to make me take it.
My white manager's trying
to get me to take it,
but I don't trust that shit.
- Smart.
- Y'all are crazy, man.
- Besides, if everybody else
is taking the vaccine,
then why I gotta take it?
- Because you can still
catch that shit and die, man.
- I'll take my chances.
- All I know is,
I can't do another quarantine.
- Word, shit feel like prison,
man.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- For real.
- Locked in the house all day.
- Can't hug your family.
- Can't go nowhere.
No girls.
- I mean, there's girls.
- I think he means, like,
it's hard to meet girls.
- Oh, it's because they all got
on masks and shit, right?
Like, you can't see they face.
- Exactly.
How am I supposed to tell
who's ugly or not?
- Yeah, I don't know
about that,
but I can't go through
another lockdown, man.
- For real.
- You can't go out eat.
Ain't no clubs.
- Right?
- Sleeping on your back,
guards checking your
booty cheeks for weapons.
- The fuck are you
talking about, man?
- Lockdown, baby.
You can't leave the building,
your mama talking to you
through a glass window,
and you taking showers
with niggas all day.
- That's just all prison stuff,
man.
- Which part?
- All of it, nigga.
- All of it, dude.
- Every word you said.
- You're just saying jail shit,
man.
- What about the herpes shot?
I got that too.
One, two, three, four, five.
One of y'all got herpes.
[phone rings]
- Uh-huh.
All right, all right.
Thank you.
Clarence!
Get up, Clarence!
[dramatic organ music]
♪
- Okay, look, baby,
I know what you're gonna say.
- The doctor told me you done
burnt me up down there.
- Now, baby,
that wasn't my fault.
If you just let me explain--
- Oh, there's nothing
to explain.
You been out here
with these hussies,
you done caught something,
and then you brought it
back here to me,
you nasty bastard.
- I wasn't messing
with no hussies.
I told you,
I'm done with that!
It's from them
Tuskegee 'speriments.
- Shut up about them
phony 'speriments.
- Naw, I'm serious.
The man told me there might
be some possible side effects.
Something called
super syphilis.
- Syphilis?
- No, super syphilis.
Them crackers tricked us
real good, baby.
We gotta stick together
on this.
- Well, the doctor didn't tell
me nothing about no syphilis.
But he told me you done gave me
gonorrhea and crabs!
- Gonorrheaand crabs?
Oh, well, that's gotta be
from them Tuskegee
experiments too,
'cause there was a whole bunch
of side effects
I ain't even read.
- I don't believe you,
Clarence.
- I'm telling you the truth.
I done gave up
them cheating ways now.
- Yeah?
Then what is this?
- It look like a puppy
or something.
- It's a baby, fool.
Some woman done dropped him
off
at the doorstep,
said it belonged to you.
- Well, it ain't mine.
- He's wearing your boxers.
- [coos]
- Wow!
[laughs]
Them crackers is tricky, baby!
Well played, crackers.
[laughs]
Well played.
- Nigga.
narrator: "The Ticket"
will return
after a word
from our sponsors.
[dramatic piano music]
- Bold, strength,
brave, excellence,
power, Blackness.
Your life matters
which is why right now,
in these serious times,
White Castle is offering
two Crave Cases
for the price of one in all
of our inner city locations.
Courage, soul,
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,
unity, peace,
jalapeño cheese sliders,
just 28 cents
with the purchase
of any large drink
for all 28 days of February.
Your voice matters.
Use it.
Ask to try one of our new,
delicious smoothies
at 1/2 price.
We know that
inner city neighborhoods
have kept our doors open
from the start,
and we know
that these communities
have been hit hardest
by this pandemic
due to preexisting
health conditions
like diabetes
and heart disease,
probably from a steady diet
of our delicious, sopping wet
murder burgers.
So this February,
we are giving away a foot
to someone in need.
We're in the fight together
because Black lives matter
to us.
White Castle,
bold move.
- I remember I went
in the shower,
and I couldn't smell
my shampoo.
And I was like,
"What the fuck is going on?"
So I started
smelling everything.
Remember that scene in,
like, what was it?
"Helen Keller Story"
when she's walking around.
"Water, water."
That was me
with COVID symptoms, like,
smelling spices and peppers.
Is this just me?
Nobody else went through this?
- Yo, y'all know this vaccine
is how they gonna put
the chip in you, right?
- Yup.
- Chip?
- The microchip, son.
The mark of the beast.
- Stupid, yo.
- I'm telling you.
That's how they gonna
get everybody.
- Who's they?
- Bill Gates and them.
- The computer nigga?
- Yeah!
Not just him.
All them secret society niggas.
Obama, Rihanna.
- "Shark Tank."
All of them.
The New World Order, brah.
- I'm telling you,
shit is in the Bible.
Read up.
- It's crazy, man.
'Cause everything in the
Bible's happening right now.
- Word, right?
Plagues and shit.
- So you niggas religious now?
- Nah, I don't go to church,
but I'm spiritual,
and I do read.
And I'm telling you,
this vaccine shit,
this is all part
of they plan, yo.
- That's how they get you.
- Damn, that's actually
pretty deep.
- Eh, these niggas
said the same thing
when the iPhone came out.
- Man, why you gotta scan
my face using my thumbprint
just to unlock my phone?
That's the mark of the beast.
- That's how they get you.
- Yup.
I was just reading
about it on Twitter.
Twitter?
So everybody can read
all my controversial opinions
and then use them against me
in the future?
That's the mark of the beast.
- That's how they get you.
- Just call my cell.
Man, I'm not walking around
with no cell phone
so they can track
my every move.
- That's how they get you.
- Just call the house!
A house phone?
Shoot.
I don't want them people
listening to my conversations
when I'm at home.
- That's how they get you.
- Just send me a pigeon.
- [laughs]
- A pigeon?
So they can shoot it
while it's flying,
and then read
my important messages?
- That's how they get you.
- Just sing me a song.
Singing gospel songs
in the cotton fields
as a secret code
to send messages
to other slaves
so the master don't know?
- [whispers]
That's how they get you.
- You better learn how to drum.
- Why you think
they want Black folks
to take that vaccine first?
They ain't slick, they trying
to 'speriment on us, brother.
- Man, whatever, dog.
I'm taking that shit.
- If you Black
and you take that shit,
you crazy.
With the history of this
country fucking us over,
how you gonna trust them?
- You know what?
That's a good point.
Actually, I ain't taking
that vaccine.
- Word.
- Like, hell nah,
I ain't taking that vaccine.
- Exactly.
- Hell yeah.
- I would never
take that vaccine!
All right, and you're sure
this vaccine is gonna work?
- Yes, totally.
You're gonna love it.
- It's loud.
Smell it.
- Okay, I don't know
what that means.
- Che, baby, please.
Come here, come on.
Just shut the fuck up
and do it.
- I just don't wanna
get Elvis lip.
- What?
- Elvis lip.
Forget it.
Let's just get this over with.
[upbeat music]
[sighs]
- That vaccine might cause
mad problems for you.
[ominous music]
♪
- If you take that shit,
you crazy.
- I took it.
I'm fine.
- Well played, crackers.
[laughs]
- With the history of this
country fucking us over,
how you gonna trust them?
- That's the mark
of the beast.
- This is all part
of they plan.
- That's how they get you.
- Nah, nah, I'm sorry.
I can't take this vaccine.
[crowd aws]
I really appreciate y'all
for inviting me to this party,
but there's a lot of history
in this country,
and as Black American,
I feel like it's my--
- What are you talking about?
I already gave it to you, man.
- Hey, man!
What the fuck?
You didn't even lift my sleeve.
- Oh, no, I was afraid
you were gonna back out.
- And he was right to,
right, everybody?
Yeah!
Come on!
We're allies!
Yes!
- But the important question
is:
how do you feel?
- I feel fine.
[excited chatter]
- He feels fine.
I think it works.
- You think?
[applause]
What do you mean,
"You think it works"?
- Since it works,
why don't we all take it?
- You haven't taken it yet?
- Who wants to get a shot?
- Ooh, me!
[excited chatter]
[upbeat music]
[ominous music]
- Hey!
[Elvis Presley's "Jailhouse
Rock", instrumental]
♪