The Awesomes (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

Something seems familiar about these guys.
It's like they're cool-looking versions of us.
Not cool.
Evil! They're evil versions of us.
And I'll add, evil me looks kind of whoreish.
It's a pretty great coat, though.
Figures evil me would have style.
I bet she had boyfriends instead of cats too.
I know what happened, we got thrown through a wormhole.
And now we're in a parallel world.
Parallel world! Right of passage for a superhero team.
- Very exciting.
- How does this not freak you out? I don't really get freaked out.
But when I do, you can see it coming, because I puke.
- Got a nervous tum-tum.
- Are we sure they're evil? Excuse me! Are you guys evil? You'll never be alone again.
- Aww.
- Yeah, they're evil.
We're the Awesomes.
And you are? I am Professor Astounding.
Word up.
This is Conjurer.
Mercenary Mol.
Bad Dragon.
Kid Meth.
And the Info Bitch.
We are the Astoundings.
Astoundings? Shouldn't you have an opposite name, like the [bleep.]
? [bleep.]
works for me.
Watch that mouth, Dorothy.
You ain't in Kansas anymore.
No, but we did find ourselves a witch.
- Oh snap! - Oh snap! Hey, he talks just like me! Look, we're not here to make any trouble.
This is your world That's right.
It's our world.
On our world, there's one rule.
You better check yourselves before you wreck yourselves.
- Y'all, this fake Prock talks weird.
- We don't want to fight.
And besides, if we did fight, it would be a stalemate.
We've got the same powers.
We're totally evenly matched.
Evenly matched? Oh, no, you didn't! Hmm.
That's way worse than I thought it would be.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome Mariko Sanji Garcia here at the scene of the disappearance of the once famed superhero team The Awesomes.
Moments ago, the dreaded super villains, the IT department, attacked the woefully out-matched super team.
According to eyewitness accounts, during the fracas, when two energy beams collided, The Awesomes were pulled into a vortex.
I am absolutely 100% going to find them.
I will leave no stone unturned.
See this stone? I already turned it, and they are not there.
But that will not keep me from looking under all other stones.
All other stones.
Has the fact that your girlfriend Hotwire is among the missing made this of greater urgency? Heroes have vanished, sir.
My personal feelings are to see every one of them returned.
Also, I wouldn't call her my "girlfriend.
" That's kind label-y.
We're just hanging out, feel me? It is exactly this sort of nonsense that I have been fighting against.
If The Awesomes had simply agreed to take part in my program, Operations Safe, they would have been spared this trauma.
Just ask these heroes and villains who agreed to have powers removed.
Aren't you people much happier now? - Well, I miss being able to fly.
- Me too.
My life has no meaning.
We are all much happier now.
Where are they? I don't know.
I looked everywhere on Earth.
And not like the cliche, I've got X-ray and telescopic vision.
I mean, I looked everywhere on Earth.
I saw a lot of naked people I'd rather not have seen.
And reruns of Friends.
No matter where you look, there's always a rerun of Friends.
This wasn't part of my my plan.
We've got to get the Awesomes back.
And then I've got to figure out how to make lemonade - out of all these lemons.
- You just squeeze the lemons.
Where are you, Awesomes? What idiocy have you wandered into now? - This Earth kinda sucks.
- So which Earth is this? Earth 2? No, it's opposites, which means this is Earth 4.
Earth 2 is where everybody is really fat.
- What's Earth 3? - Earth 3 is run by apes.
- I thought Earth 3 was Nazis? - It was, then the apes went to war with the Nazis and took over.
Way to go apes! I would have really liked to have seen the Nazi/ape war.
A little bit of focus, please.
Well, professor, I'm glad you got to see the Astoundings in action once before your death.
Now you'll die knowing we're all that and a bag of chips! Take the one they call Hotwire.
And kill the rest! - Hey! - Hotwire! Stop.
Gotta think! Gotta move! Everyone's gonna die! Gotta get us away from the dying! Dying bad! Gotta get Hotwire loose.
Stop.
Stop.
Start.
- Blow the lamppost.
- What? Blow the lamppost! Everything you've got! Where the hell did they go? Split up! We can find them! No.
He's probably already got them.
Huh, that was fun.
- Fun? - Technically it was awful.
But I'm gonna say it was fun because we're on opposite Earth.
I think it's important to try and fit in.
Ooh, I like that I mean, I hate that.
- You guys are geniuses, I.
E.
, idiots.
- Everyone, stop talking.
Don't you mean, "Nobody, start being quiet?" The correct expression is, "Yay!" Everyone, be irritating jerks who talk over me and don't listen.
- You have the floor.
- Great.
Thank you.
What happened back there? One minute we're about to die and then we were escaping Uh, opposite Earth stuff.
Nothing to worry about.
Our concern right now should be to find a way home.
Maybe we can get some help here on Earth 4.
Alternate realities are a minefield of unknowables.
No one's gonna help us but ourselves.
We can't expect to turn around and find a friendly face.
Maybe I can be of some assistance.
Malocchio.
Ms.
Mandrake, you have a visitor.
What? No, my schedule's clear until Hello, Joyce Mandrake, Head of Superhero relations.
Dr.
Malocchio? How did you get in here? I wasn't aware that super-villains - could pass our security clearances.
- Former supervillain.
And I may have slid in with the Brazilian ambassadors.
- What do you want? - Well, I just wanted to stop by for a chat.
And I whipped up some of my cider-glazed roasted root vegetable stew.
Hey, you can't have a hot plate in here! This is the West Wing, not a college dorm room.
Oh, but this will be worth breaking a few rules.
Sit.
Eat.
And we can chat about my favorite topic The Awesomes.
Wow.
That is so [bleep.]
good.
Thank you.
Garlic knot? Mm.
Please.
You seem familiar, but I don't think you're from around here.
- Oh, I know who you are.
- Oh, so my reputation, extends Quick! Don't let him take over our minds! Um, Prock.
Impresario, make some kind of mind-blocking helmet! This reality is the opposite of ours, right? Yeah! Muscleman, can I get a hand! Maybe a foot! So, if he's a bad guy in our reality, then here he'd be Aw, crap.
A - A good guy.
- Wow.
You beat up a good guy.
I am so sorry.
I'm just used to you being an enemy.
And the glasses made you look really sinister.
I mean, who wears sunglasses at night, right? - I'm blind.
- You beat up a blind good guy.
I'd leave that off the resume.
- So, who are you exactly? - My name is Benicchio.
- And you're a super hero? - I used to be.
Before I lost my sight.
And my powers.
- We all lost our powers.
- We? I'll explain in a moment.
But to be safe, we should make our way to the sewers.
I'll bet on Earth 4, sewers are magical places full of wonders.
Or just slightly worse sewers.
Years ago, after the villainous Professor Astounding robbed all of our heroes of their abilities, we banded together and formed a resistance.
We went underground.
Literally.
Oh Wow.
Look, it's all our villains.
No, it's their opposites.
- These are good guys.
- Look, there's the Mad Maid.
That's Happy Housekeeper, darling.
Check out Wrongful Death.
I think you mean Life Guard Louie.
Oh, and look, it's The Animal Kingdom.
Yes, but here we're called The Petting Zoo.
We want to save the world with hugs! I know that smell.
It's Aqua Velva.
Only one lady I know sports that nose whiffer.
- Tom Boy? - My name is Tom but I haven't been a "boy" in quite some time.
- I'm.
The Handy Man.
- Holy crap! He looks just like Tom Boy, your arch enemy who's a lesbian and totally in love with you, except on this Earth, he's - a crazy hot dude! - Mama gives Earth 4 a perfect 10.
Say there, sister.
Would you be insulted if a fella would Make passionate love to me by the sanitary sewer overflow junction? I'd be honored.
I wish I hadn't heard any of that.
The cell phone coverage down here is the worst.
- How do you people live like this? - We manage, but I can understand how you would all want to return to your Earth.
And according to my calculations, the time portal that sent you here should open again in 12 hours.
You can all return safely home.
How How did this all happen? You losing your powers.
- The city so wrecked - Well it's a dark tale.
Ooh, flashback, flashback! - Is this popcorn? - Rat fritters.
- Ugh.
- Mm, tastes like chicken.
With a lot of rat in it.
Years ago, the world was oppressed under the mighty fist of The Astoundings.
Led by the ruthless Mr.
Astounding.
That is until Mr.
Astounding's son arrived.
Professor Astounding.
Even Mr.
Astounding had to admit that his son was more evil than he was.
And it made him so proud.
- So, so proud.
- Got it.
Go on.
They were both awful, vile, monstrous people, but you've never seen a father love his son more than Mr.
Astounding loved his.
We got it! Moving on.
He formed a team of villains the likes of which the world had never seen.
In hopes of ridding the world of this darkness, I created a device to strip The Astoundings of their powers.
But they managed to steal the device, and turned it on us.
Hey, I just realized I don't have an opposite me.
No, everyone has an opposite.
I bet mine is a super-weak dude - who smells nice and pays his taxes.
- I didn't see Hotwire's either.
You got ripped off, HW.
- It's fine.
- That voice That voice reminds me of my daughter.
I I get that a lot.
- Common voice.
- Perhaps.
It was in the last battle with Professor Astounding that I lost my sight.
And my daughter, she was an amazing hero, but she's been missing ever since.
- I'm sorry.
- Even if she isn't dead, she will be soon.
We all will be.
Professor Astounding has discovered how to absorb all of our stolen powers.
Soon they'll be like gods.
- I don't think so.
- No, I know so.
I overheard them talking about it.
I'm blind.
I've got really good hearing.
I'm working on being able to smell colors.
No, I mean, look, just the Astoundings aren't the last people on this Earth with powers.
This looks like a job for the Awesomes.
I've been getting my pipes cleaned.
What did I miss? The Petting Zoo stole these schematics.
Unfortunately, we can't figure out what any of it means.
I can.
They stole your powers, but before they can absorb them, they'll need to run it through a genetic matrix.
And that is a genetic power converter matrix.
- What? - Sometimes, we forget you're smart.
I'm a super-genius.
How can you forget that? I guess the other stuff like being injury-proned and whiny - kinda takes first position.
- I'm not whiny! Good opposite Earth joke.
Now, you know how to get us in there, skipper? I do.
I absolutely do.
Make sure the transference chambers are disseminating at full capacity, you heard! And run a full diagnostic on the genetic conversion source.
I ran a diagnostic already.
Twice.
Do not disobey me.
Homie don't play that! - We have a ship approaching.
- Blow it up.
- But it's a civilian vessel.
- Blow it up hella big.
- But it's it's a bar mitzvah.
- Say whaaa? And not only is today a day in which David Michael Davidberg will become a man, it is also the day the world will recognize that manhood.
Wazzup.
These are private waters.
You're going to have to move it along.
What? What's the harm, we got a little off course.
We'll just be here three, four hours, tops.
Hey, we're not doin' a prayer over the bread here, We're makin' a man.
Takes time.
Oh, I am trying not to hear that.
Leave now, or I'll destroy you all.
Hey floating head, you got a problem with Jewish people? Of course, I don't.
I am down with them.
It's just that these waters are restricted.
So was every country club my grandfather tried to join for 20 years! Somebody doesn't like Jews swimming in his ocean.
Fine, you've got two hours, then get out.
For shizzle.
- And we're clear.
- Man, you do a mean Rabbi.
- I watched a lot of Seinfeld.
- Look at us! We're Jews! My dear, you were nothing short of brilliant.
Well, I did understudy for Elaine Stritch in Pal Joey.
Until she tried to stab me with a broken highball glass.
Wanna find some room under the pasta bar? I make a mean penne a la sausage.
I need to stop hearing stuff like that.
Good job, gang.
That should buy us some time.
Now let's catch some waves.
Should you really be the one driving? Heightened senses of the blind.
I can feel the water.
I saw that.
We're good.
Everybody buckle up, all right? Prock, is this really a good idea? Do we have time to help these people? Our portal back to Earth opens in less than four hours.
This is what we do.
We found people who need our help.
So we help them.
I know if they came to our world, they'd be helping us.
We'll be okay.
I promise.
And let me just say, if there was an opposite Hotwire, she would be ugly and mean.
- And stupid.
- Hey.
Don't the Awesomes have that dimension jumper-thingie? That could zip us back? It's a inter-dimensional warp field generator.
And it's way too dangerous to use.
- That's why it's in The Vault.
- Oh, right! The Vault! Where your father locked up all the weapons and tech that are too dangerous for anyone to use.
Keep your voice down.
No one knows about The Vault except you, me and my dad.
We're almost there! Whoa.
That just came out of nowhere.
I am last of the red hot mamas! Impresario, get to the closed circuit cameras.
- Check.
- Sumo, Muscleman, get access to the main hall.
Gadget, Benicchio, Handyman, on communicators.
- Check! - Everyone else, with me.
We've got bad guys that need beating.
Welcome, Awesomes.
So glad you could join us.
Way to hold it off.
Ah, almost.
I can't even imagine a universe where someone with my genetic makeup would be so stupid as to think you could infiltrate our fortress undetected.
You people are not fly.
And here on this Earth we don't want no scrubs.
Now, in seconds, we'll be siphoning off your powers and adding them to ours.
Thanks to you, The Astoundings will be even more powerful.
And to that I say, "Oh, snap!" and "Holla!" - Ready? - Ready! Computer, override security lock, genetic verification Professor Astounding.
DNA match verified.
Thank You, Professor Astounding.
You were right, Prock! You've got the same DNA as Professor Astounding! And you guys are a match for your opposites too.
You're genes can open every door in this building.
Now, you know where you need to go.
On it! WTF! Go get them! Now! And let the dog out.
Woof! Woof! Woof! Well, now we know who my bad guy opposite is! Look at what a big beautiful boy he is! Yes you are! Yes you are! That's it.
That's the power of every super being on this planet.
And there! That's the genetic power converter matrix! We take that out, they won't be able to absorb all the powers.
Quick, get to the matrix.
I'll need you to manually disengage the power couplings.
Okay, Hotwire Now, pull loose the couplings! That should do it! Prock.
Why why is she in here? They they needed a genetic trigger to transfer the power.
Your power your electrical power, is the perfect conduit.
Oh, look at the genius.
He finally under-stizzles.
That's why I was trying to kidnap your "Hotwire.
" Our version was running out of juice.
Hotwire! You gotta release the stolen power! - Aw, hell no.
- How? What am I supposed to do? - You you have to - What?! What do I have to do?! - You are working my last nerve.
- So, I'm sorry, '90s slang is still okay to use on this Earth? Yeah.
Is it not on your Earth? It's totally not.
It's the worst.
- Oh, well, it's the bomb here.
- Your Earth sucks.
Well, it's a shame you're gonna die here then.
The face ain't listening.
"The face ain't listening.
" What does that mean? Talk to the hand! Booyah! Ah, it's kinda fun.
Hotwire, hurry! - Tell my father I love him.
- I'll tell him.
Light it up.
Noooo! Prock! Prock! - I got ya! - Where's the other Hotwire? I couldn't find her, she must have Hurry! This crazy blind [bleep.]
is trying to fly! Whee! We got our powers back! Let's go rip some bad guys' arms off! Your portal! It's begun to open! It's been some ride, my Handyman.
But you've done things to my lady parts that I will not soon forget.
And no one has ever treated a tool as well as you treated mine.
And I should know, I'm the Handyman.
At this point, I should just admit to myself I like it.
It's time to jump.
Your daughter, she saved the day.
She was your opposite, yes? - Yes.
- So, that means No time.
And still no sign of The Awesomes.
Rumors have begun to circulate that perhaps the lackluster super team has perpetrated a hoax.
Yeah! The Awesomes are back! Suck it, Earth 4! - You okay? - Yeah.
I'm good.
- You? - You all right, baby? I was so worried.
I didn't know what to do! Did these amateurs get you hurt? No.
And they're not We're not amateurs.
We were on a parallel Earth.
Ooh, parallel? Apes, Nazis or fat people? Look.
We've all had a rough day, and managed to do a lot of good.
But now we'd just like to head back to Awesome Mountain.
- We're going home.
- Not quite.
After much consideration and counsel, I, Joyce Mandrake, White House superhero liaison, have decided that Awesomes are finished.
Your charter has been revoked.
OMG! I am hella hungry! Let's see what's up in this piece? Jack Link's beef jerky? As if! This so not fly! If that's all that's left in this machine, whatevs.
Alrighty, then! Booyah! This is the bomb! Show me the money! Cowabunga, man! Raise the roof! Cha-ching! Bangin'! Yada-yada-yada! Straight trippin', this stuff is a'ight! How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance