The Barbarian and the Troll (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1- And then I said,
"The dual-bladed demon chopper
forged in the seventh
lower level of Haargmord."
- Haargmord forever!
- This quest has been
a lot of fun.
- Congratulations
on all your quests, Brendar.
- Thanks, Kyle.
- You're really going places.
I'm going to keep
an eye on you.
- That joke never gets old.
Unlike this bread.
- Cooled in dragons' tears.
Demons beware
because you're getting chopped!
Offer valid in 49 kingdoms,
some restrictions apply.
Thank you.
- Let me get a quick sketch.
- Be sure
to get my good side.
- Hey Brendar,
looks like you got a fan.
- Yeah?
- Excuse me, Brendar.
Can you crush this rock for me?
- Why?
- Oh, wow, something
to remember you by
'cause now you're popular.
- Fine.
- Thanks, Brendar.
I want to be just like you
when I grow up.
- Wow, she's gonna
remember that forever.
- Speaking of memories,
I have a present for you.
- Oh, my gosh.
Is this a lute carved
from the wood
of the evil tree you defeated?
- No, it's a lute carved
from the wood
of the evil tree we defeated.
- Aw, I love it. Thank you.
I'm going to call it
Luteous the Third.
Hmm. Such a dulcet tone.
♪
- Yes.
Now I, General Skelly,
will rise up
and take my revenge
on that barbarian.
Are we ready, soldiers?
Huh? Linda?
Michael? Where are you?
- Oh, that's great.
- Hey. Hey.
- It's corny, but it's good.
You, you two. Out here. Now.
- Oh, Michael,
we're in trouble.
-
I've got to get a new army.
- A troll burned
his bridge ♪
A warrior lost her crown ♪
I'm not being poetic ♪
That's literally
what went down ♪
Together their journey
has begun ♪
Combining might and melody ♪
To quest and smite a demon ♪
And find their true family ♪
Yeah ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
- How does it feel,
Brendar?
- How does what feel?
- Being beloved.
- Stop it.
I'm not beloved.
- Yeah, you are.
Little girls want you
to crush their rocks.
- Newspapers want
to sketch you.
You're important, Brendar.
- Yeah.
- I'm not important.
The quest is.
The quest is the only thing
that matters.
- Well, sure, but right now,
we're not questing,
so have fun.
Enjoy the moment.
- Time for revenge.
- Oh, oh.
- How do I look?
- Well, a bit thin,
if I'm to be honest.
No, but still terrifying.
- Yes, your eyes
have never been redder.
- Good one.
- But not tired red?
- No, terrifying red.
- You, cadavers.
Is this the Queen's Goiter?
- It is, but you might not
want to go in there.
I'm on a revenge rampage,
and it might not be appropriate
for a lady.
- I think I'll be fine.
- When respect
is lacking,
my sword starts hacking.
- No, no, no, no.
What are you doing?
- They're demanding things
in an angry tone.
- No, Brendar,
they're not angry.
They're just excited.
They want to hear
all about our adventure.
- Why?
- You just--
I got this.
Hey, everybody.
As Brendar's self-appointed
hype man and musical troll,
allow me to regale thee.
- Hmm.
- You all want
to hear a speech ♪
From my violent friend ♪
Well, I promise you
she'd rather quest than trend ♪
She's Brendar ♪
Feared and revered ♪
She's Brendar ♪
Feared and revered ♪
She's Bren-- ♪
- Ah-ha! ♪
Oh, sorry.
Was I interrupting something?
- Uh, now that
you mention it--
- My name is Kevin.
I'm the musical goblin
of Gothmoria.
- What? Whoa! No way!
I'm Evan, the musical troll
of Gothmoria.
Want to do a duet?
- Sorry, no can do.
I'm here with my boss.
Besides, I only shred solo.
- Wow. Who is your boss?
- Thought you'd never ask.
Listen up, ya scuzzy butts ♪
Prepare your hearts
to throb ♪
Over a goddess
that needs no intro ♪
But I must.
'Cause that's
kind of my job ♪
Sharon, Sharon ♪
Mischief and mayhem ♪
Even her beauty
will slay them ♪
Sharon, Sharon ♪
Gothmoria's fave ♪
So get your stare on ♪
Sharon ♪
Avert your eyes or eye ♪
Give her a big old hand ♪
The number one warrior
in the land ♪
And I'm proud to say,
my platonic friend ♪
Sharon ♪
- Wow, his guitar
playing's fine,
but his vocals
lack authenticity.
- What are you
doing here, Sharon?
- Nice to see you too,
Bren-durr.
- At least turn my head
so I can see what's happening.
- Uh, sorry, pal.
No shirt, no skin, no service.
- Oh, don't--no--oh, ah, no--
wait, I want to see
what happens.
- Not sure
what's going on.
Is it my age,
or is Brendar's backstory
just too complicated
for me to follow?
- Dad, Sharon and Brendar
were in the same
warrior princess court.
- Yeah, rumor has it,
Sharon was the one
who blabbed to the queen
about all the secret quests
Brendar was going on,
and that got her kicked out.
- Oh.
- What do you want, Sharon?
You already got me
kicked out of the royal order
for going on secret quests.
- Nailed it!
Did I not nail that?
- Good one, Kyle.
- I did, didn't I?
- Fun fact.
Yesterday, a Stygian Toad-man
hopped by and splashed mud
on one of my wicked cool boots.
-
- Guess what I did?
- What?
- Good question, Cyclops.
-
"Good question, Cyclops."
She's talking to me.
I slaughtered
the entire Toad-man army.
- Classic Sharon ♪
- Tomorrow, I am thinking
of traveling
to the Stygian swamps.
I might behead their king.
- Heads up, your Highness.
- Whoop-dee-do.
- Maybe I'll use his crown
to make a holiday wreath.
Fancy it up with berries,
branches, and glitter.
- Crafty!
- Anyway, what are you
doing here, Sharon?
- The Queen is furious over
hearing about you all the time.
Feared and revered this.
Feared and revered that.
We're all sick of you,
and you're not even here.
- Hey, kids.
Take pride in your work,
and one day you might
make the Queen tinkle
her tunic in anger.
- How dare you!
The Queen demands you stop
your pointless quests.
- Tell the Queen
that I don't have
to listen to her anymore.
- Than listen to me, barbarian.
- Don't pull out a weapon
unless you're prepared
to use it.
- I challenge you
to a challenge.
- Ooh
♪
- Guys, what--what's so
"ooh" about that?
- Well, according
to princess warrior law,
no princess warrior
can deny another
princess warrior a challenge,
even if one
of the princess warriors
is no longer
a princess warrior.
- Ooh
- What are the terms
of this challenge?
- If I lose, then you'll never
hear from me
or the Queen again,
and you can go on
with your pathetic little life.
- Promise?
- But if you lose
- Not gonna happen, lady.
- If you lose,
then I get your axe.
You know,
the one dipped in dragon tears?
- Whoa, did not
see that coming.
- Huh, wait, hold it.
Well, no, hold it--ha--what?
- Has anyone seen Axe?
- Wha--wait a minute.
You're not really thinking
about doing this.
- Well, barbarian?
- Challenge accepted, princess.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we have
A challenge ♪
- Come on, everybody. Let's go.
We got ourselves a challenge.
- Brr-ribbit.
- What are you doing?
- I'm having fun
like you told me to.
- No, I meant sit and have
a stein of milk with somebody
or laugh heartily
when Horus trips over his robe,
not lose our friend Axe.
- Axe isn't going anywhere.
Sharon has never beat me
in a challenge.
-
- This is gonna be fun.
- Uh-huh. I hope so.
- Welcome
to the warrior challenge
between Princess Sharon
and Brendar the Barbarian.
Our warriors will participate
in three rounds.
- Yay!
- I like threes!
- Let the games begin!
- Whoo! Yes!
Oh, so exciting!
I cannot contain myself!
- Hmm-hmm-hmm.
Whatcha hiding from?
- Ah!
Some restrictions apply.
- Yeah, that doesn't
really answer my question.
Why are you hiding?
- Because Sharon knows
exactly what
restrictions apply.
Don't tell anyone you saw me.
- Cool.
Thanks for that
super normal conversation.
- Wow, this is exciting
and scary at the same time.
Where are they shooting
their arrows from?
- A couple of furlongs
up the hill.
- Wow, that's far.
I can't even see them.
Oh, good, I thought
they were gonna use
the teeny, tiny pumpkins.
Heh. Huh? What? Oh.
- Ah, there you go.
- Well, this seems unfair
to Brendar and me.
Mostly me.
- Oh, Brendar picked it.
She said it'd be harder to hit,
but if she can do it,
it'll be a crowd-pleaser.
- "If" she can do it?
- Booyah!
- Tie. One point each.
- Yeah. That's right.
♪
- No? Yes?
♪
- Time.
- Who won?
- Tie. One point each.
Tie. One point each.
- Yay, everyone's a winner!
Uh-oh. Look out!
- Yeah, stick her on there.
- All right, here you go.
- Boom.
- Okay.
- Mm, ah, yes,
that is much better.
Wait, what the--
Uh-oh.
- Yeah!
Linda, Michael, how bad is it?
- Umwell
- Well
- Positive note.
- Yeah.
Where's the silver lining?
This is--this is coming--
- You're still able to talk.
- There you go.
- Okay.
- Well then.
- You're better than a rock.
- Ooh, I hate that barbarian.
- The final supersecret
death match tiebreaker is
Thumb wrestling.
- You know,
my father perished
in a thumb wrestling accident.
We buried him with a hook
for a thumb.
- Hurry up. Come on, then.
- Save me a seat.
- Wait up, wait up.
- Hey, Brendar.
- Have you seen Axe?
- No, she's gone missing.
Listen, thumb wrestling
is really difficult.
- Not against old Princess
Weak Thumbs over there.
- Well, have you seen
her thumb lately?
That looks like a six-pack.
Are you sure you got this?
- I'm fine.
- Whatcha you doing there?
- Uh, just thumb crunches.
Totally normal.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Destroyer
in the Goiter.
In this corner,
dressed in white and rocking
super awesome boots
- Show her some love!
Show her some love ♪
- Give it up for Sharon!
The warrior princess
of your nightmares.
- Yeah, yeah ♪
- Look at those calluses!
- And in this corner,
dressed in barbarian brown
and appropriate footwear,
the one, the only,
feared and revered,
Brendar the Barbarian.
- Okay, ow.
Ow. I'm tangled. Ow.
- Evan, get it together.
- I'm trying, I'm trying.
♪
- Okay, I want a clean fight.
No hits below the knuckle,
no interference
from other digits.
And first who pins, wins.
One, two, three, four.
I declare a thumb war.
- Yeah! Come on, Brendar.
You got this.
- Come on, Sharon.
Sharon! ♪
Yeah! Yeah!
- Yeah. That's it.
- Come on!
- Whoo-hoo! Yeah, Brendar.
Ha ha!
♪
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Is she allowed to do that?
- No slapping the ref!
- Come on!
- There's no possible way
you can be defeated!
- It's too dark
to sketch in here.
Help me out, ladies.
- Ah! Ah!
- Oh! Sharon wins!
We have a winner.
- Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
Sharon ♪
The number one thumb.
Let's hear it. Let's hear it.
I can't hear you.
♪
- Psst. Evan.
- Huh?
- Down here.
- Huh?
- It's me, Axe.
- Axe!
Where you been, pal?
Hey, guys, I found Axe.
- Was she missing?
- Pay attention, Dad.
- Oh, boy, Brendar's been
looking for you everywhere.
She's really upset.
- I know, but she's about
to get even more upset.
- Wha--what are you
talking about?
- I wasn't honest
about who I am.
-
Are you actually a shovel?
- No, it's worse.
-
- And Sharon would've known
the second she saw me.
So I hid all day
because I want to be the one
to tell Brendar.
- Ooh, tell her what?
- That I'm--
- Axe. My friend. I'm so sorry.
I put myself
before the quest, and I lost.
- You don't know
the whole story.
- I promise you
I will not forget you.
I will find a way for us
to be together again.
- But Brendar,
I'm trying to tell--
- For you are a friend
of Brendar,
and Brendar doesn't
take friendship lightly.
A friend of Brendar
is a friend for life.
- Yeah, about that. See--
- Yeah!
Sharon! ♪
Yeah! Let's hear it.
- Okay, Bren-durr.
Where's my new axe?
♪
- This is Axe.
Axe, this is Sharon.
- Hey.
- Wha--
- Oh, come on.
Stop playing games.
Where's the tear-dipped axe
I won?
- What are you talking about?
This is the demon-chopping axe.
"Forged in the seventh level"--
- Lies.
It's silver, not gold.
- What?
-
- The Haargmord dual-bladed axe
turns gold when dipped
in dragons' tears.
Your axe, this silver one,
is good for nothing
but chopping wood.
-
Yeah.
If you're up against Alvin,
you might as well have
a licorice whip.
- Ah, then we're all set.
- Is this true?
- Yeah.
- She didn't even know.
Ah, do you see
what we had to deal with
when she was in the kingdom?
Someone fell asleep
through weapons class.
- The nerve.
- Well, I won,
and I want my prize.
Kevin, tell them
I want my prize.
And it better be good.
- Okay, listen up.
The princess is not happy.
The axe is out.
But I know something that
would look great on Sharon.
Your slogan ♪
- Good one, Kev.
From now on,
I am to be known as Sharon,
the feared and revered
princess warrior.
- That's fierce.
- No, no, no, wait.
You can't take
Brendar's slogan.
- Take it.
- Time to go.
Nice meeting you all.
- Oh, thanks, Sharon.
Come back any time now.
- Not cool, Kyle.
- What?
- Play me out, Kev-Kev.
- Who's the barbarian ♪
With awesome
might and brawn? ♪
Feared and revered ♪
Her name is Sharon! ♪
Hmm.
Axe. You lied.
- Uh, technically, I said,
"Restrictions apply," so
- Are those restrictions
that you don't have
dragons' tears?
- Yikes.
- I'm sorry, Brendar.
I shouldn't have bought Axe
off the back of a carriage.
- It's not your fault.
- Well, you can still get
the demon Alvin though, right?
- Not without an axe
dipped in dragons' tears.
- Huh, well, uh,
we can just get another one.
- They don't sell them
in the marketplace, Evan.
They're rare.
Apparently so rare
that I don't even know
what one looks like.
- Okay, yeah, but we'll find
a depressed dragon
and collect its tears.
Come on, Brendar.
We can fix this.
- No, we can't fix this.
There is no fixing this
because I don't even know
where to start.
- I'm sorry.
I just--I just had to get out
of that castle.
- What's wrong with my castle?
- And then I loved
being on the quests
and around you and everyone.
I was afraid
that if I told the truth,
you'd leave me behind.
- Brendar? Are you okay?
- You know what? I think I am.
- You sure?
You can tell us if you're not.
- No, there's nothing to tell.
Really. I'm good.
Thank you all. I'm going home.
♪
- Oh, no.
What have I done?
- So that's it?
No more quests?
- I was hoping
for one more great adventure.
- What--what are you guys
talking about?
- You heard her. She's done.
- Okay, I don't know
what you heard.
But what I heard
was a barbarian
with a broken heart
crying out for help.
And after all
she's been through,
she deserves to have us
help her out
'cause, well,
she's helped us out a lot.
And you know what, guys?
We're quest friends.
And we never leave
anyone behind.
- Where is she?
At long last, Brendar is mine!
- What is Skelly doing here?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Is, uh, Brendar here?
- She left, like,
five minutes ago.
- Gah!
- Do you maybe want
to leave a message?
- Oh, yeah, uh, tell her
that Generally Skelly,
that's S-K--
- What are you doing?
This is a surprise attack.
- Ooh, yeah, tell her
it's a surprise attack.
- Wha--no, just go.
Back to the castle.
Wha--are you leaving a tip?
You didn't order anything!
You don't leave a tip
when you don't order.
- I wanted to get a milkshake.
- You can get
a froyo at home.