The Bisexual (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - - MUSIC: Let's Lightning by Pull Tiger Tail I'm addicted to electric pulses I'm addicted to electric pulses How? Let's see All decisions cutting out our voices All decisions cutting out our voices Not for me I'm incapable, I live by habit Oh, I'm incapable, I live by habit Not today Cos life's accountable if I don't grab it Oh, life's accountable if I don't grab it So I say Aren't you sick of being automatic? Don't you want to have it your way always? Aren't you sick of being automatic? Something's wrong with me I've gotta pull it out I'm changing, turning corners This town ain't big enough for me Four snakebites, please.
I feel your pain, man.
- What? - Nothing, just like We're both here with our friends who are hot and blonde, and they're macking on dudes and we've got to wingman with whatever guy the dude brought.
I don't understand what you're saying.
You know, wingman, like you're a sidekick? Like the nurse in Romeo and Juliet, like they're trying to dunk ball and we bring down the hoop a little bit.
Yeah, I'm not a wingman.
O K.
I've got a boyfriend.
You can have a boyfriend and still be a wingman.
Whatever, mate.
This girl keeps asking me how to fake a positive pregnancy test.
You should be sending out your manuscript.
- Stop talking to strangers online.
- I'm working.
She keeps listing things in her kitchen.
What do I say? - Do you want a sandwich? - No, I'm not really hungry.
Hey, can you guys keep your voices down? I'm trying to get him to sleep.
And if he starts screaming again, then I'll have to murder the pair of you and then murder myself and then there'll be no one here to look after Philip.
If he starts screaming, I'm out of here.
Last night was miserable.
Yeah, I bet it was difficult for you.
- Don't argue in front of the baby.
- Who, Philip or Gabe? Hey, Will, read between the lines.
- Hey, Gabe, get a job.
- I have a job.
- What's your job? - AQA.
People pay to text questions, I text answers.
How much do they pay? - Three quid a question.
- Three quid, eh? That's not bad.
They pay three quid a text.
You don't get three quid a text.
- Well, I get some of it.
- How much? - Look, it's about quantity.
You know, it adds up.
- How much, though? 3p a question.
I can make ã5 an hour if I focus.
When Mr Miyagi died, I made 100 quid in an hour.
- He's dead? - Yeah, on the 24th November, he waxed off for the last time.
I came up with that joke later.
- I really wish I'd thought of it at the time.
- Hey, I loved him.
- What was his name? - Exactly.
Everyone loves him, but they want to know, what's his name? Pat Morita.
How did he die? Well, he suffered from chronic kidney failure - and was found on his bathroom floor - Hey.
This is a computer.
And on a computer, I can look up stuff.
Oh, shit.
Gabe.
What's the Roger Earl Award? Why? - Aaagh! - BABY STARTS CRYING "You have been selected as the winner of " Oh, my God! ANSWERPHONE: We are not home right now.
Kindly leave a message.
IN PERSIAN: OK.
I love you.
Bye.
Even if he's got a boyfriend, it doesn't really matter.
You can just say no at the end of the day, you don't have to Hey.
So I was wondering, how come everyone here says "mate" when they really mean, "go fuck yourself"? I don't know what you're talking about, mate.
- Hey, I'm Leila.
- Jamie.
Deniz.
- Dennis? - Deniz.
- Dennis.
- Den-iz.
- Den-nis.
- Don't worry about it.
- Are you from Texas? - No, why? All the Americans say they're from Texas.
No, I go to a small women's college in Massachusetts.
Are there a lot of lesbians there? Yeah, actually, there are a lot of lesbians there.
We call them lugs, Lesbians Until Graduation.
Are you a lug? You should ask my ex-girlfriend.
- Ex-girlfriend, yeah? - I've got to go.
Right.
Yeah, I'll see you in a bit.
What the fuck is her problem? Deniz? No, she's a sweetheart.
Right, look, I'm going to get off, yeah? OK.
Well, I hang out here a lot and I'm going to be here tomorrow late afternoon, - so if you want to get a drink, I'll be here.
- All right.
I don't believe an unsold manuscript has ever won the Roger Earl award.
It must be a real whirlwind.
Is everything just starting to blur together into one amorphous blob of shite? No, not at all.
I'm just so glad people have read it.
The last guy I met said I had a very singular voice and the book reminded him a lot of Zadie Smith.
A singular voice that's like Zadie Smith? No, he said like her, but more relevant.
Yeah, no, that whole female black narrative was not relevant at all.
What we really need are more white male voices.
I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
I do that, I act insulting when I'm nervous.
It's just verbal diarrhoea.
I have all these ideas for your book and I'm like, "When do I tell you?" So I think the title should be Test(icular).
Like, you isolate the word "test" because it's so much about the test, and then you have "icular" in parenthesis.
I'm so sorry, forget that, that was stupid.
It was just a thought.
I have others, or I could have none.
That title's a really good idea.
Look, I really love your book.
I think that there is this, this sense of irony and self-hatred and fear in this world that you've created that just speaks to me in a way that nothing really has in a very, very long time.
And I think you should rewrite the ending.
OK.
I can't stop thinking about Deniz.
It's like she's wired into my brain or something.
- You know what it's like with women.
- Yeah, totally.
Ladies.
I love lezzing out.
I look at beautiful women, just two feminine bodies, like something out of a Penthouse letter.
You like me, right? I'm not a total piece of shit, am I? You'd go out with me, wouldn't you, if you weren't a lesbian? I am so sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me.
- Don't be, I kissed you.
- No, you're drunk.
I'm not drunk.
Do you think Deniz saw us? No.
OK.
Cool.
Are you wearing that to your interview with the journalist? - Yeah, what's wrong with it? - It's not very flattering.
I like that it's big and comfy and hides my belly.
Darling, it doesn't hide your belly.
- Kind of makes it look bigger.
- Oh, - great, you think I'm big? - No, I didn't say that.
Why don't you wear one of Will's shirts? - Hmm.
- Yeah.
- It doesn't really - No.
Look at the sleeves.
It's like Diane Keaton.
They are, yeah.
No, that's not doing what I thought it was going to do.
We'll try another.
I just think me and Will are, you know, we're different body types.
This is a slimline fit.
You are slimline.
It's a slimline fit.
Whoa, quite tight.
That's because you're wearing a T-shirt under it.
- Why do you do that? - I need a T-shirt.
I sweat an awful lot.
- I just need it there.
- This one, I know, will be the one that fits you.
- I'm feeling it in the arms, very tight.
- Oh, tight.
- Yeah - Look at your face.
I was wrong.
I made a mistake.
You were right.
You were right because you pick your own clothes because you're a big boy.
Put that jumper back on.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Were your parents gutted when you came out? - What's gutted? - Were they upset? Yeah.
Are they still talking to you? Yeah, they're talking to me, but they're different.
- BOTH AT ONCE: How are they different? - What's lesbian sex like? Um, well, now they treat me like a mentally unstable homeless guy that they're housing for the holiday season.
Like, they're super polite, but also quite distant and scared.
What's the sex like? Good.
No, I didn't mean it like that.
I meant more like What is it you actually do? Well, um, so, like, there's kissing She's not answering that.
Yeah, thank you, I'm not answering that.
Well, you can't blame me for trying.
Anyway, I desperately need a piss, so you, do not go anywhere.
Be back in a sec.
Hey.
I think he's into you.
I think I might be gay.
Are you fucking with me? You're the only lesbian that I've ever met.
Do you want to get out of here? This place sucks.
I read in my guidebook that London is the hottest spot for all LGBT invite spots in all of the UK.
So how does it feel to be the new voice of Irish literature? Good, yeah, thank you.
So go on, the parallels to Zadie Smith, are they intentional? What's her take on it? What's her take? Um I don't know.
Ask Zadie Smith.
She's Zadie Smith.
Well, I have her number.
We could call her.
Are you fucking with me? Why would I be fucking with you? I'm a massive fan.
OK, how about your parents? - The book is clearly autobiographical.
- No, it's not.
OK, there are parallels.
How do they feel about your portrayal of them? - It's not exactly flattering.
- They're dead.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, my father had testicular cancer.
- Like in the book.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I moved to London to be with my sister.
Now that I think of it, the book feels almost like a love letter to them.
The inner workings of the codependent family that's too enmeshed for their own good.
Yeah, maybe, I don't know.
Yeah, OK, David, everything up to this point is going to have to remain off the record.
Why do I humiliate myself and my family by writing these things? What kind of fucking sociopath exposes themselves like this? I know it's a fucking dream come true, but I feel like more of a failure and a loser now than I did when I was sitting on my sister's couch in my underwear answering questions about Mr Miyagi all day.
If it makes you feel any better, I was at a party with him once and he fell into a massive K hole and kept saying the word "scaffolding" over and over until someone had to put him in the bathroom.
That does make me feel better.
Thank you.
It was fucking tough and it still is and I'm 100% aware that I'm making everyone's life miserable.
Yeah, this doesn't sound great.
Yeah, but it's temporary discomfort.
Like, they can either disown me or get over it.
I hate what I'm doing.
I keep thinking if I can just avoid acting on the gay thing and waiting till I find a guy I actually fancy - Have you ever been attracted to a guy? - Not yet.
What about you? Uh-uh.
When we first met, I thought you were pretending to be gay just to impress Jamie.
Jamie? Ugh.
Jamie, the guy who's obsessed with you and two drinks away from date rape? No, I am not attracted to Jamie.
Gross.
I'm so relieved.
I've never met someone who was like me before, who doesn't like boys.
Ugh.
Breeders.
Straight people.
Are you sure we're on the right street? I've never heard of a party taking place in Canary Wharf.
Yeah, it's definitely this street.
I googled lesbian events and this was what I found.
In New York, the coolest parties happen at the lamest locations.
- Hey.
- Are you a member? No.
OK, we can go ahead and start the registration process.
I'm going to assume you don't want VIP membership.
Yes, that would be a safe assumption.
These British lesbians are fucking thorough.
That's a lot of information.
Yeah, I'm not giving my name and address.
I live with my parents.
Are you not out? Discretion is paramount here, but so is self-acceptance.
Look, we can do fake identities.
I'm going to write Amanda Hugandkiss.
Who are you? - I'm leaving.
- No, come on.
I know I brought you to a lesbian networking event, but there is booze and there are dykes, - so the ingredients are there for fun.
- I'm leaving in ten minutes.
This is going to be so good.
No peeking.
OK, open 'em.
Oh, my God.
It's a fucking brilliant title.
Well, the brackets really make it.
I don't work there any more.
I'm sorry but we've already printed the nametags.
But I don't work there any more and I don't want the name associated with me.
Hey, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but can I try something? You've ruined it.
No, she hasn't.
That's much better.
- Thank you.
- Any time.
I'm not following you.
I need a drink too.
- Gin and tonic.
- Me too.
What's your story? Coder.
I just quit my job.
That's about it.
Congratulations? I worked for this dick piece-of-shit 18-year-old innovator who lucked onto an idea.
Everywhere he went he wore this little beret.
I should have taken that hat and stuck it up his frigid arse.
What does it take to be an innovator? I think I'd be really good at it.
Like, I'm having ideas for shit all the time.
I have this one idea for a window that you can have all the way down to the floor and walk through.
Like a door.
No, it's a window cos you can see through it.
Like some doors.
You seem really miserable.
Why are you even here? Because somebody made me sign up.
She's not my girlfriend but we're together and we're exclusive.
- So your girlfriend.
- I don't like labels, girlfriend or partner, but, yeah, Esther.
- She's a woman in my life.
- She's really pretty.
So, what's your story? Well, I am a businesswoman.
Thanks.
Named Amanda.
And, I don't know, I just love business.
Networking.
Getting to know people in my industry.
Talking shop.
Buying low and selling high.
So, the Irish and the Scottish, I trust those dudes.
Super fun, super easy.
I'm down.
But the English, they play mind games.
I don't trust that shit.
They all think they're Hugh Grant in Notting Hill, like really humble and repressed but really they're Billy Zane in Titanic.
Opposed to Americans, who are too stupid to play mind games.
I'm not American though, I'm Iranian.
We have the best mind games of all cos we do taarof.
Taarof? So, taarof is when you say the opposite of what you actually mean, and it's our basic form of communication.
Like, when you go to pay a cab driver in Iran, he won't accept your money.
He'll say, like, "I can't take that.
You're like a daughter to me.
" And you'll go back and forth three times until finally you shove a tenner in his fist and he's like, "Nah, that's not enough.
" So, how do you know when people are telling the truth? Yeah, that's a good question.
I don't think any Iranian is ever telling the truth, to be honest.
Oh.
So now I know never to trust you.
- Hi, I'm Esther.
- Hi.
Baby, I've got burlesque, but I want to introduce you to these people before I go.
Well, best do some networking at this - networking event.
- Fair enough.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Just no telling what the plates may bring - HE COUGHS Sorry! - All right? - Yeah, yeah.
Like the love that's burning in my heart for you There's just no telling what I'm gonna do Hey! Come on down! Come on, baby Come on down I got a feeling In my feeling A feeling that I can't stop A feeling that I won't stop Kindly remove yourself from the VIP section.
- What? - So you're telling me this lot are all part of the glamorous world of elite lesbian networkers? I mean, you're more than welcome to sign up to VIP membership.
Fuck do I do to become a lesbian VIP? - Fist Sue Perkins? - Right, come on.
Step away from the cordoned area and return your name badge.
Please don't make me.
I was going to bronze it and turn it into a nipple ring.
- You're causing a scene.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Dude, stop.
- Fuck off! - Well fuck you! - THEY GASP - I'm so sorry.
- I can't believe you just did that! SHE LAUGHS You can dry off with this, and I swear to god this is clean.
Erm, I'm really good at getting out stains.
Like, this one time it was New Year's Eve and I got sick down my own shirt and I totally got the stain out, even though my mom said I wouldn't.
Thanks.
I love what you've done with the place.
Thank you so much.
I got that at Camden this week.
No shit.
No! Did I wake you? Just keep your voice down, you'll wake the baby.
- I see you had a good night.
- Oh, God, it was better than good.
It was amazing.
- Glad to hear it.
- It's just Jill is incredible.
Like, she's just so fucking good at her job.
- You fancy her.
- No.
I mean, yes.
She's lovely and clever and did you know, the brackets were her idea.
- Yeah, you told me that.
- And we're going to New York.
- What? On holiday? - On LIFE! Sorry.
Their publishing company is transferring her to the New York office and she wants me to come with her.
She spoke to her friend who runs a literary magazine and he wants me on the staff.
A full-time writing gig in New York city, baby! Sorry, I just got carried away.
HE GIGGLES No.
What do you mean, no? No.
Move, be independent, experience life but be reasonable.
You can't go that far.
- I'll visit loads.
- No.
You'll have no-one.
You only have me and I can't - I - That's too far! - I won't have no-one.
I'll have Jill.
- Who the fuck is Jill? I mean, did she let you boke in her bag in the lift in Debenhams when you were 13? - BABY CRIES - You need me.
And I can't be there for you if you're there and I'm here and Hackney, I can handle.
New York? - No, I'm sorry.
- I don't need you.
I'm a grown man.
We're the only people that knew Mum and Dad.
SHE SOBS I'm sorry.
Please don't cry.
Of course I won't go.
Yeah? Yeah, of course.
I just got caught up in the excitement.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Drink some water before you go to bed.
Right, a watch that it tells you how many steps you've taken in that day.
I think that's the worst idea you've had so far.
So, what made you want to come over here and study? Are you familiar with an artist named Lily Allen? The MySpace singer? Yeah.
I really like her.
She says the things that people think and don't say out loud.
And has London lived up to a Lily Allen song? Right now it does.
What about you take a picture of people's clothes and it tells you where the clothes are from? What does? The camera? You should call your girlfriend your girlfriend.
You know.
You're a grown ass woman.
She's your girlfriend.
And you shouldn't get so angry about stupid shit like nametags.
Is Trainspotting good? You've never seen Trainspotting? How can you have lived this many years and not have seen Trainspotting? It's the story of your people.
Oh, you think I'm from Edinburgh? Yeah, that's why I said that thing I said about the Irish being better than the English.
I'm from Burnley.
I don't know what that is.
It's in England.
Well, now I know.
- You're an idiot.
- I know.
So, shall we watch it? Literally nothing would give me more joy.
All right.
Bring your awareness now to the space between your navel and your spine.
Anchor the navel down as you scoop the tail bone up, so, again, you can take a look at the video.
Here I'm going from here We're alive.
Right now some bitch in Reading is buying a cardigan she doesn't need because of us.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
I should wash my hands.
Oh Said I didn't need you, baby I said I said I'll get along Oh Said I can make it without you, baby But I found out I'm not that strong And I didn't know I could miss you so Until you were gone Oh I said I'd get over you, baby I said I said I'll be all right Oh Just when I stop remembering That old spark would come in the night And I didn't know I could miss you so Until you were gone