The Boss Baby: Back in the Crib (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - Hold all my Whoa! - [laughing.]
Boss Baby ♪ I'm the boss Dial in to the meeting ♪ Everybody here? Please find your seating ♪ While you teething I'm sinking my teeth in ♪ First one to show So I can do all my greeting ♪ Profits, payrolls and pacifiers ♪ I make friends! I love you, you're hired! ♪ So come on and raise Your juice boxes skyward ♪ Boss babies until we retire! ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Can a baby get a witness ♪ Grab a high chair This the family business ♪ Boss Baby ♪ I'll let you know about Pop-up Book Club, and good luck with the sleep training.
We better scoot.
Don't wanna be late for check-ins.
- Tina the machine-a! - Simmons, my R&D BFF! How'd the rock throwing tournament go? Don't be a flat stone and skip any details! [laughing.]
Skip.
That joke made a splash.
Splash.
[clears throat.]
Meeting with the baby who can fire us, promote us or relocate our cubicle next to "Loud Personal Phone Conversation" Larry.
I love Larry! - Gotta run.
Formula break later? - Yeah.
Tina.
It's come to my attention you like to play with your food.
Yeah! Some babies eat to live, I live to fingerpaint with my eat stuff.
As it happens, I also dabble.
Venus de Milo de camembert.
That armless lady from museums? I totally see it, and I love it! Back soon.
Save me some teething crackers! Make room! Ma'am's coming through! - Escort's not really necessary, JJ.
- Morning, Tina! Morning! - Hi.
- Hi there.
Can't wait to hear all about it.
Headed into a meeting, you understand.
I'm a people baby! And I'm not even late! I beat Dez.
Doesn't count, he's taking a personal day.
[Dez.]
No, I'm here.
You know how it is.
You try to take some me time but you always wind up dragged into a meeting anyway.
I'm sorry, you looked so cozy.
And I'm incapable of feeling sorry.
[Dez grunts.]
Just living that beanbag life.
Being a seat.
Beanbagging.
Apologies for being late.
Woke up with a doozy of a diaper rash.
Lucky for me, my sponsor also produces a miracle cure diaper cream: Buttsoothers.
It gets medieval on your rash.
How long is the miracle cure supposed to take? Already cured.
Love me some Buttsoothers.
Let's see those five percenters check-ins.
Cammy, bring up the feeds.
[CEO Baby whoops.]
Spectacles Baby is crawling now? Expect a high-side mobility bump in tomorrow's Baby Love numbers.
Love that! [Boss Baby.]
All reports show a successful park stroll with Baby Iggy.
Maximum hair gawking.
It's so shiny! Bounce House Bruiser should be here bouncing.
This is her normal bounce time, right? Bringing up yesterday's feed from the same time.
Without me even asking? - Cammy, you're so proactive today! - I've been listening to a self-improvement audio picture book.
- And it shows.
- Thank you.
[clears throat.]
[Cammy.]
All right, so Same time yesterday And back to today.
Why am I not seeing bouncing? - I'll dig around and report back.
- Great! But with Buttsoothers, you'll never have to dig around back again.
[strains.]
Show me more cute babies! [Tina.]
Gassy Francis.
Wait for it - [burps.]
- [CEO Baby.]
Music to my ears! Now, where are we on getting that dirty south sound? - [farts.]
- [laughs.]
Answered my own question.
[Tina.]
Moving on.
Trike Delivery Baby.
- Aww.
- Thank you! Delivering up cuteness at the tricycle park.
What'd you find out? Nobody's seen Bruiser all morning.
Word around the bounce house is she got a new tricyc - [woman screams.]
Look out! - [man.]
Oh, no! [clamoring.]
Found her! What is she doing at the tricycle park? That's not her thing! [laughing.]
[gasps.]
A five percenter turf war.
It's Crowd Cam Baby all over again.
- No! - [Dez.]
Bean bag gasp! - We can't take another one of those! - Another one of what? It was last year's championship Packed stadium, prime conditions for our Crowd Cam Baby to work her five percenter magic on the stadium screen.
[man.]
That baby's much cuter.
[JJ.]
No one realized Always-Wears-A-Costume Baby's parents were also big sports fans.
[babies babbling.]
Long story short, she got her picture in the paper and on several government lists.
I want that cleared up as quickly as [groaning.]
Buttsoothers heals diaper rash.
To the trike park! Dez, you in? How can I take a day off with my team facing a turf war? Chupie me! Ow! No.
Is that where you think my mouth is? - [horn honking.]
- [screams.]
[rock music playing.]
[screeching.]
Bruiser.
What's it gonna take to get you back in the bouncy house? Gummies? Lollies? Various candies left in a hot car and melted together into one supercandy? Every baby has their price.
[yells, then groans.]
Kid didn't respond to bribery! What am I supposed to do with that? - Maybe I should give it a shot.
- I admire the optimism, but this is the worst baby I've seen since Scooter Buskie! - You know Father Buskie? - The local priest who started a food distribution ministry in Sub-Saharan Africa? When I grow up, I want to assume his identity! Fine, bad example.
But No baby's so bad they can't be turned around.
And I'm exactly the baby for the job.
- Know why? - Karate! Next question.
I'm a people baby! Everybody loves me! Wow, you are just 95% ego.
It's not ego, I just do the work.
I love loving what people love.
We got a five percenter that yawns, so I [yawns.]
We got a five percenter that burps, so I [burps.]
And we got a baby that trikes, so Baby, I trike.
[rock music playing.]
[crying.]
Yoo-hoo, special delivery! Don't worry.
I'll get you on your delivery beat in no time.
Hey there.
Couldn't help but admire your trike skills I'm actually a triker myself.
Thought we could compare notes Nothing? Come on! Of course! You're the Bounce House Bruiser! You bruise, so I [yells.]
Huh? We're practically sisters now, right? Who is this baby attacking my precious angel of creation? Hi, sweetheart, I'm gonna need to talk to your neglectful parents.
Code helicopter! Engage evasivity! Can I speak with whichever parenting class dropout isn't supervising this? Whoa! - You! - [Dez.]
Beanbag! Oh, sure, toddle away, unsupervised babies! But you and your snooze-button parents are on notice! [groans.]
And just when Bruiser and I became best friends.
We won't be able to get anywhere near Bruiser now.
Sure we can.
We just need supervision.
Tabitha! Come to the park with me! Oh, Tabitha's out for the afternoon, Tina, baby.
- What about Daddy? - With Tabitha.
They went to meet their favorite sci-fi author.
Or least favorite.
I can't remember.
Glorbigon and hello, residents of Earth Classic! - Who should I make this out to? - I don't want an autograph.
I want you to rewrite this predictable, cliche ending.
Author to author? I'd listen to the kid.
- [scoffs.]
What do you want it to say? - Surprise me.
For a change.
Darn it! [gasps.]
Will you come to the trike park with me? Oh, mi vida, I hate that park almost as much as I love you.
Let's do something else, yeah? A baby hippo was just born in the zoo.
What's its name? Can I name it Rodney? Is it still teeny tiny? Or are they born all gigantic? Wait.
No.
It has to be the park.
This is a Baby Corp mission.
Oh, then you have all those hi-tech doodads.
You don't need me.
We need supervision.
- Protection, really.
- Protection from what? A helicopter mom.
- [dramatic sting plays.]
- [growls.]
- Strap in.
- Yes! - Welcome to the team, Mrs! - [screams.]
- Demon bean bag! - No, it's okay he's just undercover! - [rock music playing.]
- [horn honks.]
- [cries.]
- [laughing.]
Cool.
And where's the helicopter mama that launched that missile? Smile for mommy! Aw, there's one for the nondenominational holiday card.
Isn't she the cutest? You don't have to answer if it'll hurt your child's self-esteem.
Look at you.
Mother of the year.
Hm and which one's yours? Oh.
Hate to have to tell you, but that one was really acting up.
Snuggywug? Angel love? Mommy needs her phone for preserving precious memories of you! You want me to get her thrown out of the park or I get to do the actual throwing? Just need some friendly chitchat.
Keep mommy occupied while we steer Bruiser back to the bounce house.
What? No! I thought you brought me here to kick butt, not talk face.
Tina, you know how I feel about park mommies.
Yeah, that's why I would've preferred Tabitha or Dad.
You can do this, I know it! [device chimes.]
Bad news: Delivery Baby's planning a hostile takeover to Bruiser's hostile takeover.
- [groans.]
I hate this park.
- Thanks.
Love you, Mommy! [suspenseful music playing.]
He's bringing Bruiser a special delivery: mud pie to the face! [Boss Baby.]
Spiked with icky bugs! We can't let this turf war escalate! Pip, no! What is he?! Anger makes you smaller.
Vegetables make you bigger.
[giggles.]
What? Did I step in mice again? No, I just didn't expect that from the baby who told me - he doesn't know right from wrong.
- [laughs.]
Oh, I don't.
That's why my baba shows me all those videos.
"Don't put that in your ear, baby!" "Look out, you're gonna step in mice!" Oh, come on! I know you must've seen "You can't eat electricity.
" [man.]
Put the fork down, baby.
I know that power socket looks delicious, but here's what electricity looks like in your digestive system - [electricity crackling.]
- [gasping.]
[chuckles.]
Gross! Yuck! More! [barking.]
[caterwauling.]
Hey, girlfriend! It's me, your best bud from earlier.
- [babbling.]
- [Tina giggles.]
I don't have enemies! You and me shared a shove! - We looked into each other's eyes! - [babbling.]
What does that mean, you "marked" me for life? Hey! - [gasps, then screams.]
- [rock music playing.]
Your daughter's speed is very unsafe.
[groans.]
So? Does your kid do daycare? Um Early education is crucial.
She does half days at Greater Tots of Upper Lower Riverwoods Pre-pre-k.
Carbon-neutral snack times.
Their mascot is the concept of identity.
It's pricey enough to keep the riff-raff out.
Unlike this park.
Someday when I'm your maid of honor and you ask me to give a speech at your wedding, we're gonna remember this and laugh so hard! [device chiming.]
Sorry, Bruiser.
Can you hold on a jiff? Peace talks with Delivery Baby broke down.
Kid's got a stack of mud pies and a crackerjack arm.
Please give me some good news on Is that Bruiser behind you with the glint of bloodshed in her eyes? Yeah.
Say hi, Bruiser! We're bonding now, results soon! Tina's plan's a bust.
We need a new strategy pronto.
Ah! Don't put that in your ear, baby! Hey, Pip, I don't suppose you have a video on tricycle safety? You mean "The Three Wheeled Boo-Boo Machine?" Heck, yeah I do! So we probably should get the get-to-know-ya's out of the way: favorite bedtime story, go.
[babbling.]
[chuckles.]
Don't be silly, how would your foot even fit up in there? - [Boss Baby.]
Psst! - Huh? Ooh! Ain't no party like a hoedown party.
And give me a plus-one for my new best bud! Hello, children.
It's me, Ranger Safety Binkerton.
You don't like getting boo-boos, do you? Then be very wary of tricycles! The devilish boo-boo machines heck-bent on covering your body in ouchies.
- What is this? - Our best chance to end this turf war.
It's a dangerous ride with three wheels and three rules.
Stay off of them.
Never use them.
And never ever use them.
[crying.]
I want to look away, but I can't! I know! This'll scare Bruiser into ditching trikes forever.
She goes back to the bounce house and everything returns to five percenter business as usual.
[Binkerton.]
Uh-oh.
Poor Gussy.
[sobbing.]
Scare-tactics? Fear-mongering? That's not the Baby Corp way! Uh, you weren't around when Marketing coined the phrase "biological clock.
" This isn't even necessary! I was getting somewhere with Bruiser.
That's objectively untrue.
This video's the only way.
Why, imagine a tsunami bearing down on you at breakneck speed.
Do you really think that your tricycle is going to help you? - [Pip.]
Look out! - [Dez.]
Beanbag! Come on, I'm busting you out.
[rock music playing.]
[all screaming.]
- Ugh! - Ew, bugs! [blaring.]
- [loud crash.]
- [wailing.]
I'm gonna say it.
Your daughter is a bad influence.
Are you locals, or trainhoppers just drifting through? Just, shh! All right? I'm not thrilled about her behavior either.
But I'm the parent putting an end to this.
[babbling.]
[giggling.]
You like me! [device chimes.]
- What are you doing? - I figured out how to reach her! I just have to love what she loves: unremorseful naughtiness! [groans.]
You can't stand that maybe one baby doesn't like you.
Get back here.
Hm? What's that? I can't hear you above my naughtiness! No-no-no.
Don't! Oh, the hot dog! Hot dog.
The meat of anarchy.
Tina! Come to Mommy, baby! Listen to Mommy's words, which I know you understand Don't you even - dare! - [giggling.]
My gift from heaven shouldn't hang out with your daughter.
Cool, cool, cool! Put it in writing! [device chiming.]
Any idea why the Baby Love Meter is going, like, whoo, banana bonkers right now? Figured it could be a software glitch, but then I thought Not us, definitely glitch! [rock music playing.]
Don't give up! The world needs artists! [Boss Baby grunts.]
- You have to stop this! - But I got Bruiser on my side and I'm this close to getting her back to the bounce house.
- This is for the mission! - Look around, you've become the mission! [yells, then groans.]
What a time, huh? Thrill of the chase.
Naughty rushing through our veins.
But triking's got nothing on the power you feel in the old bounce house.
Wouldn't you say? Oh, yeah.
No, you're right.
Let's keep triking for now.
I love destruction.
[babbles.]
It's over, Tina.
- Tina.
You come to your mother.
- Honey! It's time for your carbon-neutral snack.
[groans.]
You don't have to specify, the baby doesn't care! Been a fun ride.
Maybe I'll see you around the bounce house? Tina Templeton! You don't have to yell.
Kids are naturally rebellious No, you're right.
You make a good point if they don't have a good mother around to set boundaries.
Mommy's coming to save you from poor example modeling, sweet angel! You owe me a very long, detailed explanation for this.
Hey, she's not my daughter.
Yeah.
Sure, explanation later.
Just catch those trikes.
[Bruiser's mom.]
Her fault! With the rules you set up on cyclops blood, it would never have any effect on the dwarven gauntlets of jackhammering.
Yes! I never thought of that.
And what's with Althea's Solar-77 arc? I mean, space wolves? Come on.
I've been such a fool! Wolves can't live in space! You know what this ending needs? Laser giraffes! Faster! We're losing them! Giddyup! Hyah! Hyah! So help me, Teddy, if you kick me one more time, I will What? Hey, we're actually not far from the bounce house.
What do you say we head over? Get some bounce on? [babbles.]
This is it! Yes, Bruiser, I will take you as my best friend from this day forward, in sickness and in health [babbling.]
You wanna do what?! Are there classes on the dark web about raising awful children, or is it just a character flaw you have to be born with? - What are they? - A trip wire! [man scatting.]
Well, I can tell you one thing.
My child didn't learn that behavior in my home.
[scatting continues.]
I love friendship.
With a parent like you, I'm surprised she's not stuck in a mine shaft or a dogfighting kennel.
[giggling.]
[suspenseful music playing.]
You're a bad mommy.
No! [Binkerton.]
Jump ropes: The Devil's Floss.
[sighs.]
You tried to warn us, Ranger Binkerton.
- Can I? - I don't need your help, thanks! I will be mommyblogging about this later! Mark my perfectly chosen and relatably evocative words! [yelling in gibberish.]
Oh, give it a rest, you bullying jerk.
[gasps.]
What? Sometimes you gotta call them out.
You're never gonna get everyone to like you.
- So don't wreck yourself trying.
- But she's a five percenter! We got one out of two back.
That's something, ma'am.
Aw! What if Bruiser doesn't go back to the bounce house? I could fill in till we find a replacement.
I'm naturally bouncy and incapable of being lured away by tricycles.
Because I am a beanbag.
Lured away? Where did Bruiser get that trike? Kids said it was from her babysitter.
- [Mia.]
Oh, my gosh, Ms.
Hansen-Jansen! - [gasps.]
Uncuddleable! Are you guys okay? Are you injured, sweetie? Show me in the sign language I taught you.
- She's fine.
- [exhales.]
Mia, you are just the best babysitter! Babysitting! That's how the Uncuddleables are getting to our five percenters! Wow, that's really impressive, Mia! Thank you! My friends and I have a babysitting co-op.
We believe a lot more good can come from babysitting than just making money.
- Babysitters can change the world.
- [ominous music playing.]
And you thought it was a duck.
Are we still doing this? [theme music playing.]
Boss baby ♪ Boss baby ♪ Boss baby ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ Y'all heard the story But you know what the twist is? ♪ - Welcome to the family business ♪ - Boss baby ♪