The Chinaboy Show (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 (GANGNAM STYLE-LIKE MUSIC) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! You've got cops, higher than cops, whatever's above that, and then you've got train cops, and that's us.
My job is easily one of the most important in Australia.
Listen.
Our jobs aren't just about tickets and inspecting.
- Yeah, we put our lives on the line.
- On the line.
Oi! What the (BLEEP) is that? - It's a pen.
- Oi! This is an illegal graffiti pen, isn't it? You think you come on our train graffitiing giant penises whatever and wherever you like? - $1,000 fine.
- Whoa, no, no.
It's for my calculus.
I don't want to hear it, you spray-paint puffing drug addict (BLEEP).
Do we like being a train cop? (BLEEP) yeah.
It's great.
The authority.
The power.
The amount of kids I put in jail.
- You're coming in.
- What? No, no, no.
You're going down.
Enjoy getting molested in jail, mate.
Hands together.
Come on.
Got to get used to it.
Let him go.
The captain said the kid's clean.
- Goddamn it! Another one! - This close.
Mate.
Kids these days.
They're sneaky and they're good.
Hey! I'm going to show you how Chinese people .
.
do China.
(LAUGHS) - What are you doing here, mate? - Hello.
- What's this (BLEEP)? - What are you doing? Hey, give me back.
I don't want no trouble.
Hey, ow.
What's your problem? I don't want no trouble, OK? You want to go me? Mate, just no (SPEAKS CHINESE DIALECT) It's beautiful.
Oh, my gosh.
My shower.
Oh, my God.
Oh! - Get in there.
- Holy crap! - Get in there.
- Yeah.
Have a little Have a little bit.
Oh.
Oh.
Step aside.
Old man peeing.
Our job requires a lot of skill, talent - .
.
and patience.
- Patience.
Patience.
Surprise! It's a mother (BLEEP) raid.
Show us your tickets now! Oh, she's trying to make a run for it.
- Get her.
- (ZAP!) To get the job? No, I didn't pass any tests.
- (ZAP!) - Oh! None of them.
Not even in high school.
Bloody hell.
Do me again.
- (ZAP!) - (LAUGHS) - Protect and serve.
- Yeah.
Doctor Lee's not in today, so I will be your GP.
So, what seems to be the problem? Doc, I seem to be experiencing some weird urges.
Well, there's been a recent epidemic of travel-related viruses.
Have you been overseas the past few months? Oh, yeah.
I went to Cambodia, Laos, Tsansing province, mainland China, Singapore, North Korea, South Korea, Vietnam.
- What about Europe? - No, it's not my thing.
- America? - No.
Well, I've got some cards over here.
Please tell me what you see when I show them to you.
First one.
Lucy Liu.
OK.
Um what about this? Sexy arse geisha.
What about this? Oh, God.
(HISSES) That's right.
Well, there's no easy way to say this, but it seems like you've contracted the virus called .
.
yellow fever.
(SPEAKS CHINESE DIALECT) That's impossible.
Ni hao.
(CLEARS THROAT) Ah, sorry.
There must be a cure, though, right? I'm afraid the virus has spread too far.
(WEEPS) But there is one option.
What? Now, it's a little drastic.
Do it.
I don't care.
Just I don't care.
Do what you need.
Yep.
Bring him in, yep.
Yep.
OK.
They're your only hope.
- They? - (BOTH SPEAK QUICKLY) - Asian in-laws.
- Why want to date Asian women? - Don't do it! Don't do it! - Look at me.
Look how old I've become.
I'm only 14.
Please don't do it.
You are too big for Asian women.
You will destroy them.
- Of course the community love us.
- Yeah.
We make them feel safe.
- How you doing, mate? - G'day.
Grab a few of these.
Alright, let's go.
Oh, sorry, mate.
Train cop.
Alright.
Have a nice day.
There we go.
It's all worth it at the end of the day.
(ZAPPING) Yeah, seeing the happy passengers.
Puts a smile on my face.
- Hey! Oh - (ZAP!) Hey, stop, stop.
We're the BOTH: .
.
train cops.
Oh, (BLEEP).
It's the real cops.
MAN: That's them there.
That's them.
- (BLEEP) Run! - Run! Ah! Ah! No!
My job is easily one of the most important in Australia.
Listen.
Our jobs aren't just about tickets and inspecting.
- Yeah, we put our lives on the line.
- On the line.
Oi! What the (BLEEP) is that? - It's a pen.
- Oi! This is an illegal graffiti pen, isn't it? You think you come on our train graffitiing giant penises whatever and wherever you like? - $1,000 fine.
- Whoa, no, no.
It's for my calculus.
I don't want to hear it, you spray-paint puffing drug addict (BLEEP).
Do we like being a train cop? (BLEEP) yeah.
It's great.
The authority.
The power.
The amount of kids I put in jail.
- You're coming in.
- What? No, no, no.
You're going down.
Enjoy getting molested in jail, mate.
Hands together.
Come on.
Got to get used to it.
Let him go.
The captain said the kid's clean.
- Goddamn it! Another one! - This close.
Mate.
Kids these days.
They're sneaky and they're good.
Hey! I'm going to show you how Chinese people .
.
do China.
(LAUGHS) - What are you doing here, mate? - Hello.
- What's this (BLEEP)? - What are you doing? Hey, give me back.
I don't want no trouble.
Hey, ow.
What's your problem? I don't want no trouble, OK? You want to go me? Mate, just no (SPEAKS CHINESE DIALECT) It's beautiful.
Oh, my gosh.
My shower.
Oh, my God.
Oh! - Get in there.
- Holy crap! - Get in there.
- Yeah.
Have a little Have a little bit.
Oh.
Oh.
Step aside.
Old man peeing.
Our job requires a lot of skill, talent - .
.
and patience.
- Patience.
Patience.
Surprise! It's a mother (BLEEP) raid.
Show us your tickets now! Oh, she's trying to make a run for it.
- Get her.
- (ZAP!) To get the job? No, I didn't pass any tests.
- (ZAP!) - Oh! None of them.
Not even in high school.
Bloody hell.
Do me again.
- (ZAP!) - (LAUGHS) - Protect and serve.
- Yeah.
Doctor Lee's not in today, so I will be your GP.
So, what seems to be the problem? Doc, I seem to be experiencing some weird urges.
Well, there's been a recent epidemic of travel-related viruses.
Have you been overseas the past few months? Oh, yeah.
I went to Cambodia, Laos, Tsansing province, mainland China, Singapore, North Korea, South Korea, Vietnam.
- What about Europe? - No, it's not my thing.
- America? - No.
Well, I've got some cards over here.
Please tell me what you see when I show them to you.
First one.
Lucy Liu.
OK.
Um what about this? Sexy arse geisha.
What about this? Oh, God.
(HISSES) That's right.
Well, there's no easy way to say this, but it seems like you've contracted the virus called .
.
yellow fever.
(SPEAKS CHINESE DIALECT) That's impossible.
Ni hao.
(CLEARS THROAT) Ah, sorry.
There must be a cure, though, right? I'm afraid the virus has spread too far.
(WEEPS) But there is one option.
What? Now, it's a little drastic.
Do it.
I don't care.
Just I don't care.
Do what you need.
Yep.
Bring him in, yep.
Yep.
OK.
They're your only hope.
- They? - (BOTH SPEAK QUICKLY) - Asian in-laws.
- Why want to date Asian women? - Don't do it! Don't do it! - Look at me.
Look how old I've become.
I'm only 14.
Please don't do it.
You are too big for Asian women.
You will destroy them.
- Of course the community love us.
- Yeah.
We make them feel safe.
- How you doing, mate? - G'day.
Grab a few of these.
Alright, let's go.
Oh, sorry, mate.
Train cop.
Alright.
Have a nice day.
There we go.
It's all worth it at the end of the day.
(ZAPPING) Yeah, seeing the happy passengers.
Puts a smile on my face.
- Hey! Oh - (ZAP!) Hey, stop, stop.
We're the BOTH: .
.
train cops.
Oh, (BLEEP).
It's the real cops.
MAN: That's them there.
That's them.
- (BLEEP) Run! - Run! Ah! Ah! No!