The Cleveland Show s01e05 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is the Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
[ORGAN NOTE PLAYS.]
I love Minor League Baseball.
Nothing like watching a bunch of people I've never heard of not play very well.
[THUD.]
[CROWD CHEERS.]
One bounce.
Coming along, George.
Coming along.
GEORGE: Thank you.
[ORGAN PLAYS.]
Bottom of the eighth.
One-nothing.
Too bad we were in the bathroom for that home run.
I'm sorry I needed you to hold my arms, Daddy.
But I didn't wanna sit on the wet seat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A good time at the ball game.
[SYNTH MUSIC PLAYS.]
ANNOUNCER [O VER PA.]
: You know what that tune means.
It's time for the Kiss Cam, brought to you by Waterman Cable.
Waterman Cable, we're a monopoly.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Ooh.
Chocolate-vanilla swirl.
Chocolate-vanilla swirl.
Ha! You get it, man.
They're gonna make a baby Derek Jeter.
[CHUCKLES.]
Cleveland, it's your hot stepdaughter and her boyfriend.
Hey, what year was she born again? She's not born-again.
Born-agains are crazy and off-putting.
Hold my beer, Rallo.
This will not stand.
Bad hormone-ridden adolescent.
Bad, bad.
[CROWD BOOS.]
[PANTING.]
Cleveland, what is it? It's Roberta.
And it's bad.
Really bad.
Oh, my God.
What, Cleveland? This afternoon I'm sorry.
I ran up the stairs.
- Where's Roberta? - Uh I'm gonna need that glass of water.
This afternoon at the baseball game Roberta and Federline were all over each other groping, squeezing, petting dry-humping, tongues wagging, probably causing a dot on his underpants.
Oh, it was bad.
They were making out at a ball game? That's it? Cleveland, Roberta's fine.
She's a teenager.
That's why I've had the safe-sex talk with her in case she does make that choice.
Donna, your idea of safe sex is why Roberta's here today.
Nasty, nasty Roberta.
Mm.
Good sundaes.
Roberta, do you know what a hymen is? That Jewish guy that works at the video store? That's right.
And you know what he told me? He told me that a young woman's virginity is precious.
Please stay a virgin, Roberta.
What? I've overheard you with your friends bragging about how many girls you slept with in high school.
True.
But they were terrible women.
Most of them are dead.
Fed and I aren't even doing anything that bad.
And what we are doing is none of your damn business.
How about that, huh? Kids today.
Just makes you think about our country's values.
Have we lost our way? Heck, did we ever even have our way? [SOFT VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Time was everybody knew everybody else.
People said hello and they meant it.
Folks went to bed at a decent time.
And jeans were only worn by prisoners.
Someone would invite you over for coffee and you'd wind up talking for eight straight days.
Some people think this modern society's an improvement.
My question is an improvement on what? [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
MAN: Bravo! Roberta, please pass me the olive oil.
The extra-virgin kind.
Not the regular kind that is not virgin and therefore is a lesser olive oil because the flavor has been tainted causing it to be gross and much cheaper since nobody wants it.
May I be excused, Mother? Yes, you may.
Cleveland, what do you think you're doing? I told you I'd taken care of this.
I know you think you did.
But every girl needs a man to tell her what to do with her body.
That's just common sense.
Why is it so important for Roberta to be a virgin, Daddy? Well, thank you, Cleveland Jr.
If I told you that you could open up a new soda pop or drink one that had had seven penises in it which one would you prefer? I would probably go with the new soda pop because the other one might have blood in it.
"Because the other one might have blood in it.
" You know, Cleveland, for centuries the Christian church has been frowning on sex and other fun things.
Our pastor is giving a sermon on teen abstinence this Sunday.
You should come and bring that slutty stepdaughter of yours.
I think that's a great idea.
Any other new business? Then we're adjourned.
[CHURCH BELL RINGING.]
What are these people wearing? It's like they're going to a happy funeral.
Oh, the pageantry.
My humble sweater vest looks foolish amongst these fancy hats of fruit, feathers, and foliage.
I need to go to the haberdasher.
Let me get a hookup from my man, Donovan McNabb.
Uh, Philadelphia.
Residence.
Donovan McNabb.
Not listed? Dallas, Texas.
Residence.
Michael Irvin.
Connect me.
Yo, playmaker, it's Rallo.
Listen, man, I need a hookup on a suit.
Rallo, your phone's made of chocolate.
You're made of chocolate.
Sorry about that, Michael.
Michael? Oh, man.
He hung up.
Probably went to go stab a guy in the neck with scissors.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON ORGAN.]
May the peace of the Lord be with you.
ALL: Holler! Today's word is about resisting temptation.
About calming those fires that burn in our loins.
ALL: Mm-hm.
Those fires that can lead to destruction in our lives and turn promise into despair.
ALL [SINGING.]
: Come on, ease on down Ease on down the road All right, look, look.
At this point, I gotta ask the congregation please refrain from shouting stereotypical responses and/or catch phrases to everything I say.
ALL: Aw, snap.
All right, let us turn to a reading of the letter of Chlamydias to the Gonorrheans.
Teenage sex is Yuck City.
It leadeth to pregnancy, obesity, illiteracy and diseasesy.
But there is a hope.
All across this great land, teenagers are taking a pledge.
The purity pledge.
To hand over their virginity to their fathers the high priests of the home.
Hear that? I'm the high priest of our home.
I would like roast beef for dinner.
Shut the fuck up.
So I ask who here will be saved and take this honorable purity pledge? I will.
I, Brandy Young, pledge my virginity to my dad.
I, Jocelyn Biokepatuka, pledge my virginity to my dad.
I, Laura Davis, pledge my virginity to my dad.
Roberta, I'd very much like your virginity.
Give me it.
Give me it.
Give me your virginity.
I, Cleveland Brown Jr.
, pledge my virginity to my dad, Cleveland Brown.
- What? ALL: No, he didn't.
[CHUCKLES.]
This place, always something.
And the best part is the reverend says the girls and I get to go to a purity ball.
[GRUMBLES.]
With our dads.
[GRUMBLES.]
We gotta go shopping, Daddy, so we can get matching suits.
[GROWLS THEN LAUGHS.]
Junior, we're not going to that dance.
What's wrong, Cleveland? You don't like balls as much as your son likes balls? [CHUCKLES.]
You know what, Junior? You and your dad should go to that dance.
Because teenage chastity is so important.
Isn't that why you took us to church today? Oh, man.
This is going even worse than when I invented that portable shoe toilet.
Well, it saved me a trip to the bathroom.
But now I'm gonna have to worry about spilling it all day.
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, boy.
Hey.
Morning, Cleveland.
- How was your weekend? - Fine.
Do anything special? - Football game? - Sunday brunch? No.
He got humiliated at church by his son pledging his virginity to him.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry.
I had to tell them.
LESTER: Well, if it ain't the virgin father.
- And him.
Hey, Cleveland.
Brokeback Mountain, that's your son.
And him.
You guys don't even work here.
How come security didn't stop you on the way in? We took a break so we could laugh at your gay son.
Now, wait just a cotton-picking minute, Tim.
Church was your idea.
You're the one who said Jesus hates sex.
What, are you nuts? Jesus wants to keep the females pure, not the males.
You think he died so that men don't have sex? Oh, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
"Hey, hey, everybody.
I'm Jesus and I'm gonna die a painful death so none of you dudes get laid.
" Yeah, like I'm gonna pray to this guy.
You want my cherry, Dad? Sure.
Junior, a boy's virginity is a terrible burden.
And it must be cast off on any girl who will take it.
But the reverend says premarital sex will make your genitals and your soul burn.
Oh, boys don't get most of the bad diseases.
And if you get herpes, who cares? Eighty percent of food preparers in this country have herpes.
Daddy, do you want me to get herpes? I want you to at least try.
I guess I'll have to scare some sense into you.
Junior, if you don't give up your pledge, you'll end up like this.
[BEEPING.]
Behold the terrible, ugly consequences of male virginity.
Oh, cool.
Is that Worf? I apologize for that confusing example.
I forgot that virgins have so much free time on their hands they end up having some pretty neat hobbies.
Junior, go play with your action figures.
Remembering, of course, to leave them in their original packaging.
I'll be right in.
Roberta, will you please leave us alone? Don't hurt him, Cleveland.
Oh, not the grill, yo.
Put your arms down, fool.
Look, even though you're nothing but a lame inside-out Oreo you seem to have a certain way with the ladies.
And as someone close to Cleveland Jr.
's age I think you can help him realize the joys of being around girls.
Federline, will you help me? Oh, blap.
You flipped the script.
Script flip.
Ooh-ooh! - I don't What? - Script flip.
See? Now you need something from me, Pops.
And it's gonna cost you.
What do you want? I wanna be able to bring my brown sugar home at 1 a.
M not no 10:30 p.
m.
, yo.
Midnight.
Take it or leave it.
Ho-ho-hold up, Pops.
Ain't nobody getting off without dropping some freestyle.
You know what I'm saying.
[BEAT BO XES.]
Oh, I don't know if I could possibly Straight out of Stoolbend A crazy motherfucker named Cleveland This is my left hand And this is my beav hand I'm spittin' more wisdom Than Morgan Freeman They call me Hot Brown and the C-Bizzle I don't mind the rain If the rain is just a drizzle Wizzle, wazzle, woozle, way Razzle-dazzle, doozle, day B- l-G C-L-E-V-E Relatively STD-free.
Dropped Loretta Now I'm doing much better Like upgrading to an Escalade from Jetta Yo, hey, Donna, I wanna get on you And I'm kind of hungry So make some lasagna I got a son, he's like a big fat Urkel And when he's in the nude He's like a big fat circle Did I do that? Yeah, you're big and fat Drinking melted butter for a midnight snack Shout outs to Rallo Hello, asshole You're 2 feet tall with a 3-foot Afro And my homegirl, Roberta I don't mean to hurt you But more dudes have laid on you Than a mattress named Serta Y'all punks best consider me You can't get rid of me I'm a Cleveland Steamer Come and take a big ol' shit on me My flow is the noise White boys do my voice My rhymes are even harder Than Sophie's Choice Peace.
Damn.
Knick-knack paddy whack, crack-a-lack, Jack.
I'm out.
All right, your pops want me to put you up on game, right? You see them shorties? Go up and twist your fingers all up like, West Side.
And be like, "What up, hos?" Then make them give you $40.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[BLOND GIRL CRIES.]
Yeah.
So, what happened with the fly honeys? Well, I called them all whores like you said.
And then I explained what happens to whores.
And that made them sad.
But I told them how they could be saved like I was with the purity pledge.
And then they gave me $22.
That's all they had.
I might be a virgin, but I kick your ass, you do that again.
[ROOSTER CROWS.]
Hey, Cleveland.
The Birdcage.
That's your son.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Rebecca Gayheart, that's your son.
Hey, Lester.
Give me a hot sausage.
Ha, ha.
That is what she didn't say when she was with your son.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Okay, okay, I got one.
"I'm Cleveland Jr.
Oh, no.
My wiener fell off and broke.
Oh, that's okay.
I don't need it.
" I'm not that broken sausage.
Don't cry, Junior.
I wanna lose my virginity so my daddy will love me.
Listen, my dad goes to this place.
Sometimes he has me wait in the car, but I looked through the windows once and I saw people doing all sorts of naked things to each other.
I'm telling you, it was like a live Internet.
Will they take my virginity? For $35, they'll take anything and give you herpes.
My dad loves herpes.
[SNORING.]
I hope I'm her first too.
Hey, fellas.
Deviled egg, anyone? Kendra, there's deviled eggs.
You want to marinate them in your folds or eat them as is? I can't get out there.
Somebody done stole my Rascal.
Probably some black [COUGHS.]
I'll come and help you.
Hey, I brought these eggs for Junior.
Where is he? - He said he was coming over here.
- I haven't seen him.
The Rascal's gone.
And the money's missing from the whore jar.
- Whore jar? - That's where a man keeps his money for prostitutes.
I bet Ernie took it.
Ernie, where the hell are you? [CLEVELAND SNAPS FINGERS.]
Wait a minute.
If Cleveland Jr.
's not here and Ernie's not here and the Rascal's gone And money designated specifically for prostitutes is missing Then Cleveland Jr.
Must have overheard us making fun of him.
And he and Ernie decided to hot-wire the Rascal and take the money to the whorehouse to lose their virginities and regain your respect.
She's right.
Good job, Mystery Bunch.
Lester and I will take it from here.
Portal.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
[SNIFFS.]
Yup, that's my Kendra.
Hey, Velvet.
Hey, Mabel.
Hey, Xianhanxianganwa.
You whores seen a couple of kids snooping around? Are you looking for the guy that's about this wide? - He look like he could be your son.
- Yes, I am.
Oh, he up with One-Arm Mavis.
Oh, he's in good hand.
Wait.
He's with Two-Virgene Merlene.
Oh, no.
Not Two-Virgene Merlene.
He's got a fifty-fifty chance of getting gonorrhea.
Bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish How many pieces do you? - Dad.
- Junior.
Ugh.
- Come on.
We're getting out of here.
- No, I'm not going.
I'm gonna stay here and see this through, so you won't be ashamed of me anymore.
I'm not ashamed of you.
Well, I was, but that wasn't right.
I see that now.
Oh, Junior, this isn't how I wanted you to experience your first time.
I thought maybe it'd be in the back of your car, or behind the bleachers or in the woods on a pile of leaves with a blanket tossed on top with a girl who has to get up every few minutes to throw up.
The point is it should be a beautiful thing.
And it will be when you're ready.
- So you're not ashamed of me? - No.
Yes, you are.
Cleveland Jr.
, will you do me the honor of being my date at the purity ball? - Really? - I can do you both right here, right now for 40 bucks.
You know what? Aside from the fact that I'm a happily married man and that this is my son there's no way he and I could do that without crossing drumsticks.
So thank you, ma'am.
But no, thanks.
[BOB CARLISLE'S "BUTTERFLY KISSES" PLAYING.]
Oh, but most of all For butterfly kisses After bedtime prayer Sticking little white flowers All up in her hair You know how much I love you, Daddy But if you don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you On the cheek this time Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right To deserve her love every morning And butterfly kisses at night Well, aren't we a regular Fred Astaire and Fred Astaire Jr? Thanks, Dad.
I'll get us some purity punch.
- Where did you learn to dance so well? - You looked great out there.
My dad thinks I look hot.
Do you? Ha, ha.
Excuse me.
Back off.
He's the only boy here.
You know, I think it's sweet that you gave your virginity to your dad.
I saw a lady with two vagines yesterday.
[CHUCKLES.]
I like you.
Oh, hey.
Dad, guess what.
I just got kissed on the lips.
Oh, that's bull.
I'm serious.
It was that girl right there.
Maybe I should stay in charge of my virginity after all.
Say, when did you lose your virginity, Dad? When I was 9.
[JOURNEY'S "ANY WAY YOU WANT IT" PLAYS.]
Any way you want it That's the way you need it Any way you want it She loves to laugh She loves to sing She does everything