The Comeback (2005) s01e05 Episode Script

The Comeback - Saison 1 - Episode 5 "Valerie Demands Dignity" Esperanza, I thought we'd talked about this.
I think you used clorox on the tile again, dear.
Yeah, you know it's all gritty.
Yeah, if I touch that and then touch my eye, Then we've got a big problem.
No ! Oh no ! Sorry, Jane, I wasn't ready for you.
I don't have my lips on yet.
I'll be right out.
You have the tape, right ? Gotta put a bell around your neck so you can't sneak up on me.
So yeah.
So today should be fun.
Gonna do some shopping On montana avenue in Santa Monica.
It should be fun for the, you know, middle america to see.
Might be kind of good.
So Yeah.
Did you get the tape ? Jane, did you get that ? Did you guys - Yeah.
- You did.
Yeah, okay.
Well busted ! We're human.
Sometimes I wear no lipstick and sometimes mark enjoys that kind of tape.
But not often.
No, not often.
He has just the one and it's really old, you know.
Look at it.
The cover's all worn, see that ? So better yet, don't see it.
The box is all worn.
Yeah.
Jane, yeah, I'm not comfortable filming this.
You don't have to worry about what we're shooting, cause we're shooting everything.
Juste it takes a lot of footage to make an interesting reality show.
Right yeah, sure.
Yeah, I understand.
You have to make it interesting but just not that kind of interesting, You know ? That's not what our show is, you know ? Our show is about a woman's journey.
You know ? About her heartfelt journey back to herself.
Has dignity.
You know ? So how'd that sound ? That's what I'm gonna tell Mary Murphy from "TV guide" when I have lunch with her.
- Sounds good.
- Good, yeah, isn't it ? Good description of the show, yeah, I think so.
Uh yeah.
Let's Why don't we just rewind then and tape back over it ? It's the master, I can't rewind it.
Yeah, that's right, all right.
I forgot, yeah, never mind.
Okay, so what can we do then ? You know, cause I don't want to see that.
So, jane, what can we do ? We can, uh mark the time code and flag it.
And flag it ? Good.
Yeah, let's do that then.
All right, so everyone just consider this whole scene flagged.
All right ? Good.
All right, well, good, I'm glad we cleared all this up, good.
Yeah, cause you know, this show is not about, you know, "ladies loving ladies.
" It's about, you know, this lady loving this lady.
You know, so good.
Well, here we are on Montana avenue.
And I think what I like most about shopping here is the architecture, you know, - the stores are really - Valerie, Val ! - Yeah.
- Your mic wire is hanging down.
Again ? Oh, that's attractive, huh ? Boy, I'll tell you.
They can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a mic pack that doesn't make me look like I'm not passing linguini, huh ? You know ? Beautiful day, huh, fellas ? Yeah.
Nice to be outside.
We're gonna get some great stuff today.
Yeah.
Valerie ? Yeah, what are we What are we doing ? You wanted to return those linens.
That's right, yeah.
Okay.
All right, let's go.
Go on ahead.
Go on ahead and then, let's go, yeah.
Mickey can Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot one thing.
Go on ahead, yeah.
Pay for this.
I only have Hi, I need to return some sheets.
- Okay, do you have your receipt ? - Yeah, right here.
- Great.
- I always keep the receipts.
That's smart, yeah.
How have you been ? Um, good.
And you ? Great, yeah, thanks.
You ever find that apartment in Venice beach ? Oh, that might have been Karen.
She doesn't work here anymore.
Okay, yeah.
All right.
Yeah so where do you live ? Um Echo Park.
Echo Park.
Yeah, oh, that's terrific.
Y eah.
That's east, right ? Off the, um Off the 101 ? - Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to find other sheets.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Here we go.
That's percale.
Egyptian cotton.
Wow, this is boring.
Just stop, Jane.
Just stop.
Nothing is happening, you know ? No one's gonna wanna watch this.
Just keep going, maybe something will happen.
Well what ? What's gonna happen, huh ? What do you think ? Salesgirl gonna burst into flames ? You know, nothing's happening, Jane, nothing's gonna happen.
It's just No offense, you know ? Is there something wrong ? I think somebody needs an iced latte.
There's a starbucks right down the street.
Let's go, red.
That's Yeah, just take a break.
So what do I do with these sheets ? Did you see this, Mickey ? I don't have my glasses, wait.
Well, apparently reality shows are dying and nobody told me.
Unless I'm willing to have drunk sex in a hot tub Or eat a bowl full of cow testicles, Nobody's gonna be watching.
It's sex and stunts, sex and stunts, that's it ! What do they know ? It's "Entertainment Weekly," Mickey, I think they know.
Believe me, nobody loves reality shows more than me, and you're already on my tivo list.
Oh.
Want a sip of my chantico drinking chocolate ? - No.
- Really ? It's delicious.
Listen to this, "television today has a Coliseum mentality.
" Mickey, I don't do Coliseum.
I don't do it.
And you don't need to.
You have something those other shows don't have Valerie Cherish, and you're enough.
You reading a book is enough.
You crossing the street is enough.
Trust me, sweetheart, you have always been and will always be enough.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, you're right.
You're right, I don't need sex and stunts.
My comeback will be enough, of course, yeah.
So silly.
Thank you, Mickey.
Oh, Victoria's Secret models are getting their own reality show.
Are they ? I didn't see that.
- Yeah, mid-Season, like yours.
- Really ? Okay.
Wow ! You look great.
Thanks, Marky-Mark love ball.
What you doin'? - Oh, watching CNN.
- Hmm.
- Is this new ? - Mm-Hmm.
You watch your show.
Oh no, that's That's all right.
- It's all right.
- Yeah, it's okay.
No, I think I can do something else, okay ? Mark, you have to stop.
The camera, the camera.
Honey, you have to stop.
You have to stop.
All right, help me out, Val.
Why did you dress like that if you didn't want to Well that, ahem Can't I just give my sexy husband, a big-Girl kiss goodnight, hmm ? 'Cause I love him so very very much ? All right, why are you acting like this ? Mark - There was an article in "Entertainment - What ? There was an article in "Entertainment Weekly.
" - All right, what does "entertainment weekly" - That's our And it just talked about how competitive reality shows are.
There's a lot of sex in them, so - Oh, I see.
- I thought I'd do something.
All right, then why stop ? Why not just go all the way ? 'Cause I'm not that kind of show, Mark.
Oh, I understand.
So you gave me blue balls for ratings.
- Mark ! - Nice.
Oh no, that's Now you're mad.
Don't be mad.
I'm gonna go into the bathroom, Mark.
- I'm gonna go into the bathroom.
- I'm tired of doing it in the bathroom, Val.
I just want to make love to my wife in my bed - and move around like we always do.
- We can talk about that later.
My knees are still fucked up from kneeling on that tile floor.
I hit your head on the toilet last time when I was trying to turn you over Okay, thank you for that.
Look, I think I've been pretty accommodating, running around, hiding all my porno tapes Tape, one tape, just one.
That's all we have, Mark, okay ? 'Cause that's not who we are, you know.
It's fine, but We're a very healthy healthy couple, you know, with very very loving Relationship based based on respect, you know.
That's who we are, you know ? And every time we are together, it's like the first time every time.
And we're just we're very lucky, that's what we are.
We are lucky to have All right, Jane.
Jane, just flag it.
Just flag the whole scene, all right ? 'Cause took care of it.
- Valerie ! - I'll sit, yeah.
Actually I just wanted to introduce you to someone.
Oh, okay.
Oh my god, it's Charla from "the amazing race.
" Oh, I never saw it.
Never.
Hi, I'm Charla.
Hello hello, I'm Valerie.
Hello, nice to This is Mickey.
It's an honor and a privilege.
You should've won.
You played with such dignity and grace.
Thank you.
Jane ? We just wanted you to meet her.
Uh-Huh.
Charla has her own new reality show as well.
Oh, good for you.
I wanna show the world that I can do anything an average-sized person can do and break all the stereotypes about little people.
Wow, yeah, I can relate.
You know that's why I did that hallmark movie about the woman with the awful headaches.
It's called "the littlest assistant" and every week she is a different person's assistant.
Oh ! Check out this advertising campaign.
Cute hook.
Looks like fun.
Much success to you.
So they were thinking that they could cross promote both shows and have her be your assistant.
Oh.
Sounds fun.
I don't know, you know.
Val, I have seen this girl round up a herd of camels, descend into an egyptian tomb and carry a 50-Lb.
slab of beef on her back.
Believe me, she can pick up your dry cleaning.
Well Yeah, I just, you know, don't want to waste her skills, you know.
It's just anyway, you know.
'Cause I think people are getting antsy here, Jane.
Crew needs to get back to their family.
- Sure, I'll let you go.
- Well Looking forward to working with you, though.
Well, we'll see what we can You know, if we can make it work.
Bye.
Don't trip over a cable.
- Mickey, would you walk her out ? - Sure.
Charla.
Ah.
Well ahem, Jane, I'll appreciate a little heads up Next time you want to surprise me with a surprise.
They wanted me to get your honest reaction on camera.
- Well, how was it ? - Great.
- Oh.
- So great.
- Oh really ? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- So good.
- Okay, good.
- So what do you think ? Oh, about the being my assistant ? I don't know.
You know, I don't know.
I mean, this isn't really It's not really a show about, you know, a little person carrying meat on her back, you know ? It is about a woman's return to herself, you know, with dignity.
Not that carrying meat isn't dignified, you know it is.
It's just I don't know if we want to go down that road, you know.
Just you know - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, I'm just gonna call Jason Silver right now, and tell him that we're not comfortable with it.
- Uh-Huh.
Was this his idea, yeah ? - Yeah.
Just cause she's so popular and he thought that it would help the numbers.
Well Yeah, he thinks she would help the numbers, huh ? Well Silver lining productions, can you hold, please ? then let's do it.
- It's great.
Let's do it, yeah.
- Really ? Yeah, why not ? Sure, he knows what he's doing, you know.
It'll help the numbers, yeah, ahem, sure.
Eh, let's not bother him.
He's got five other reality shows.
Let's not be the problem show.
- Right, yeah.
- Yeah Good, cause he really thought it would help the show.
Oh, okay, good, well, me too.
Me too.
Okay, good.
Jane, is it because of the linen store ? It's my assistant, Charla.
It's not polite to stare.
Not polite.
Oh, thank you, great.
- All right, that's good, let's - I got that.
No, it's, you know, it's long and I didn't want it to - You know, it's all right.
- I got it, I got it.
Well you go, girl.
You know, one second.
I think I'm missing something, wait a minute.
Yeah, I don't have the skirt.
I need the skirt.
It's a black Armani.
It goes with the suit.
I need it for my I have a lunch meeting tomorrow and I gotta have it.
Well, this certainly isn't boring.
- I've done this before.
- Have you ? Yeah, she's She's something.
Yeah.
Well I learned a lot today from a little lady named Charla.
I learned that dignity comes in all sizes.
Some struggles are more obvious and some are more internal.
Some people see Charla at a dry cleaner and think, "How is she gonna reach that ?" Some people see Valerie Cherish's dreams and think, "How is she gonna reach that ?" Two huge mountains two huge people, no matter the size.
Well, this is a treat.
Not only do you keep me on schedule, But you drive me to my meeting too.
"Driving Miss Cherish.
" Lordy, Miss Cherish, how you do go on ? That's my "driving Miss Daisy.
" And I could do more.
Rotate your tires, paint your house You name it, anything.
Oh.
Well, aren't you something, huh ? I'm good for now, but I'll keep you posted, okay ? A little back story on my lunch meeting today : Huh, Mary Murphy and I have known each other since Wow.
Is that me ? - Hello ? - First time caller, - long time listener ! - It's mickey.
Hi.
We miss you.
You miss us ? We gotta get Charla a bigger car.
Anyway, so what's up, doll ? Just wondering how it's working out with her.
Oh, great.
Just great, yeah.
- Hi, charla.
- Hi, mickey ! All right.
We should probably go now so Charla, could you please say a quick hello to my friend David ? He doesn't believe I know you.
Sure.
Put him on.
- Hello.
- Hello, David ? This is Charla from "the amazing race.
" And now "the littlest assistant.
" Oh my god ! I love you ! All right, we gotta hop off now.
- Sorry, darling.
- Oh my god Oh no.
What ? I better pull over.
What's the matter ? - We're slowing down.
- Yeah, we sure are.
- What do you think's the matter ? - I think we're out of gas.
Out of gas ? What Huh.
I guess I forgot to fill up.
I was busy with your stuff today.
Well I have this meeting that I can't miss.
Jane, I think you're gonna have to call someone - and have them pick us up.
- I can't do that.
What do you mean ? Why can't you ? They can't get involved.
It's like the time when the guy fell on the fire on "survivor" - and no one was allowed to help because - Yeah, that's all right.
Charla, I'm not a big fan of reality shows so Those those reality shows.
You know, this one isn't a game.
It's my life, you know, and I have a meeting I have to It's all right.
You know what, I'll call a cab.
- I'll just use my own phone.
- We can walk.
We're right near the exit.
Well, we don't have time to wait for someone to pick us up.
That's true, that's true.
- This isn't this isn't working.
- Come on ! I'm coming ! It's not working out.
We can do this ! Come on ! I got heels and a dress How can we walk ? The restaurant's at the beach ! Stay on the shoulder, though ! Hurry ! Yeah, I know, I need I need a taxi.
It's an emergency.
Okay, I'm on the 10 freeway.
The 10 ! I don't know, I think the lincoln off-ramp.
I'm, you know, near there.
I'm not at an address, so I can't I'm not Charla ! No ! - No, don't try it ! - I've done this before ! No no no ! You can't cross the freeway ! You can't ! I go down the off-ramp, dear, and then we'll cross over ! This'll save us 20 minutes ! Well, I'm going down ! I'm going down the off-ramp ! Just she's insane.
Come on, Val.
We're going to be late.
Let's go ! You know, you may want to rethink the title of your show.
You can keep the "little" part, but you're a bad assistant.
Okay, if I were as bad an actress as you are an assistant, Then I wouldn't have the balls to make a comeback.
Really, it's just poor planning ! I think this is pretty good planning.
What does that mean, huh ? Wait, Charla.
Stop.
Did you You ran outta gas on purpose.
You're welcome.
Jane, she did it on purpose ! That is way outta line, all right ? Way I have I have a meeting with a television critic That now I'm gonna be late for because of a stunt ? Oh, that is really unprofessional ! Wake up, Val ! This is reality TV.
You have to make it happen ! No one manipulates my show ! You are a very dishonest little person.
All right, I'm done.
I'm done here, Jane.
She can walk all the way back to Marrakech or whatever.
I don't care.
Let's go.
Jane, you have to make a decision now, dear.
What's it gonna be ? What show are you gonna do, huh ? The sex and stunts show or the dignity show ? Because this road leads to Mary Murphy and dignity.
That's a beach bus ! It's a beach It's going to the beach ! - We can make it ! - Go ! Go ! Come on, we can make it ! Come on ! Oh ! Oh ! Ow.
Shoot.
Wait ! Oh, it's open.
Let's go ! No ! No ! You stop ! You have to You stop for me ! Open up ! Thank you.
I My crew's coming.
How much is this ? - It's 75¢.
- 75¢.
All right, Jane, you're gonna have to pay, dear.
And we're in a hurry.
So if you could just get us to the beach as fast as you can.
All right.
Welcome back.
Take this.
And, Jane, you're gonna have to call Jason Silver - and tell him what Charla did.
- I will.
- Well, he needs to know.
- She's a loose cannon.
Yeah, well, he needs to know, 'Cause that's not our show.
That's not what we're doing.
- There you are ! - Oh ! Please, my purse.
Mary Murphy.
Oh, I'm so late.
I don't know, I don't deserve a hug.
I don't deserve it.
Oh, darling, I am so sorry.
- How are you ? - I'm good.
How are you ? I'm great, I'm great.
And thank you so much for meeting me in person like this.
I really appreciate it, you know.
- Would you like something to drink ? - Yes, I would.
Iced tea, that'd be good, yeah.
- Mm.
- You're bleeding ! Ooh, uh-Huh.
Yeah, I had a little trouble getting here.
The car ran out of gas and then I fell trying to catch the bus.
I'll ask the waiter to bring me a band-aid or something.
It'll be fine.
Well, at least you've got some footage for your show.
Well, actually no.
You know, I know that's what everybody's doing, but we're going to buck the trend.
- Can you ? - Well, I think so.
We're gonna do something new by doing something old-fashioned.
We're going to do a reality show with dignity.
Oh-Ho-Ho, that would be refreshing.
Wouldn't it ? That's what the world needs now Dignity, sweet dignity.
- Can I quote you on that ? - Yeah, sure.
Of course.
Oh oh, yeah yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, Val.
Oh, that feels so good.
Oh yeah, lick my balls.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that's so good.
Oh yeah.
Oh god.
Ow ! - I'm okay, I'm okay.
- Okay ? Yeah, I'm okay.
All right.
Oh, wait wait wait.
Stop stop stop ! What ? Is that little bathroom camera on ? No, of course not.
I turned it off.
Oh, Val, oh.
Oh, it feels so good.
Oh ! Ouch ! - You okay ? - Yeah.
- Yeah ? - I'm okay.
- Yeah.
- Here, lift me up on the counter.
I want to watch myself in the mirror.
- Like that ? - Oh yeah.
Oh, that's good.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you're blocking me.
- Yeah, okay.
Oh, Val !