The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Hello there, everybody, and welcome to Free Fall, America's first talk show in the sky.
My guest today is House Majority Leader Tom Nash.
Congressman, welcome to the show! Uh, I really think we should open a parachute! We've got plenty of time.
We're at 1,500 feet.
Congressman, the midterm elections are coming up.
What do you think about your party's chances in November? I-I just pulled the cord.
The chute didn't open! Don't worry, we've got a backup.
Congressman, midterm elections.
Then pull that one! Midterm elections are coming up.
- Pull the backup! - This state has a lot of issues.
- I'm frightened! - People are concerned.
- I'm terrified! People are frightened.
- Oh, shit.
- What? Oh, Billy.
Aw, man, I hate that I'm doing this.
- I hate this, I'm so sorry.
- Okay.
Go for Gad.
There's a rumor going around on Twitter that Josh is up for the new Scorsese film.
He would be playing a mobster.
I think, only Jewish.
No.
You know what, no, no, no, no.
Leonardo DiCaprio is playing a mobster, Josh is Jewish.
A Jewish lawyer.
That makes a lot more sense.
Anyway, I am I'm thrilled for Sorry.
This is amazing! Dude, deep breaths, okay? It's not a done deal yet.
But it will be a done deal, right, when you do the deal? Yeah, if we get the offer, we will make the deal.
Oh, by the way, p.
s.
, I started this juice cleanse, you know, to slim down for Scorsese.
Oh, cool.
Fun.
I feel really good, you know, I do four juices a day, which is really all I need.
I'm on day two right now, and I feel unbelievable.
I feel like I could climb to the top of Everest.
No.
Well, but don't, 'cause you're not even Are you in that kind of shape? Why do you do that? Jealous? Why would I be jealous? He's not getting the part.
They told him he's the only choice.
When they tell you that you're the only choice, it means you're the second choice.
Do you know what they tell you if you are the only choice? - No.
- Action.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Huh.
- He's gonna get his hopes up.
He's like a St.
Bernard puppy.
He's easily distracted by everything, and then it's turn into this whole big thing.
I know it, I just know it.
I don't know, you sound a little jealous.
Of what? It's a rumor.
Remember when I was definitely gonna be Forrest Gump? Yeah, I remember.
Honey, why don't you come down and do this with me? It'll relax you.
If God wanted me to be in that position, he would not have given me balls.
Let me help you with this stuff here.
Thanks, Mitch.
No problem.
Oh, those don't go into the office.
Oh, yeah, what, you take these home? Mm-hmm.
Wait, seriously? No, you don't actually take this stuff, right? They're not gonna notice if a couple cases of sodas go missing, and, like, a shit-ton of PowerBars.
But that's stealing.
I mean, I would never steal jokes.
Maybe you should.
I work like 80 hours a week.
I make dick.
I don't think Rupert Murdoch is gonna notice.
But that's stealing.
I don't think you can park here either.
If you remember that every entrance is an exit, you will be free because it means that you came from somewhere.
Right.
Can you teach me how to cry? The way I like to do it, I like to do it more inside and out, and that's find out who the character is, how did you get here? Yeah, and we can do all that fun stuff, but the thing is, is that this is a really sad Scorsese movie, like Kundun sad.
You want me to just go to crying? 'Cause knowing Leo and his body of work, he's gonna cry, you better believe that, and he's one of the all-time great criers.
You I mean, have you ever seen Basketball Diaries? If you walk in there crying, you're gonna look like an idiot.
No, I won't, because he'll be like, "Oh, my God, Josh Gad can cry.
" Jonah didn't cry in Wall Street.
Jonah had ample opportunity to cry.
It's like shark blood.
Everybody in the sea will sniff it.
Is it fake blood, or is it real blood? I need to cry.
I need to Legitimately, when he says, "Action.
" What we can do is, rent the first season of I Love Lucy.
.
- I don't want to - And just imitate Lucy.
Pause it, and you can go her "Ahh!" I-I never said I want to go "Ahh!" Well, you know what, if Martin Scorsese sees you behaving like Lucy Ricardo, you're in trouble.
I'm not behaving like Lucy Ricardo.
I'm asking you to teach me how to cry.
When somebody says something that elicits emotion, I need to be able to cry.
There's the anguish of the decision to cry.
There's the anguish of the responsibility of crying.
And if you don't like that, remember, I have your credit card.
I'm going to bill you every month now for two years, and you can cry about that.
Two Jews walk into a bar.
- Okay.
- And the Roman soldier says, "Hey, no Hebrews allowed in the bar.
I sentence you to death by crucifixion.
Huh.
That is that is not where I saw that joke going.
Yeah Hey, Mitch.
Hello, Esme.
How's the writing coming? Making America laugh? It's an honest living.
Just so you know, I'm gonna keep working on the crying, and then the inside-out stuff, I'm gonna work on that too.
What did you call that? - The character.
- Character.
Yeah, and you know what, if anything happens, just rent Lucy.
Just rent Lucy.
I will.
Thank you again.
Billy, hey, that's That's was my acting coach, right over there.
- Acting coach? - Yeah.
Oh, is that for the sketch where we play giant bananas? - Ah! - 'Cause here's your motivation: you're a banana.
That helps, thank you very much.
- All right, good.
- That actually - That'll get me there.
- $150, please.
- I wish.
- Hmm.
Boy, do I wish.
Uh, no, he actually helping me with the Did I tell you about the Scorsese thing? - Yeah, you did.
- I did, right? - Is it official? - No, no, not yet, but it is looking good/great, dare I say? - Just dotting the "i's - Okay.
Uh, what have you.
Great, that's great.
If it does happen If it should happen - Right.
- I want you to know that nothing changes here.
Here.
But No daylight.
I don't see any daylight between us, do you? I do not see any daylight between us.
That's because there is none.
Good.
- None.
- None.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, guys.
Make me look beautiful.
Yeah.
- All right, something - Would you guys leave us alone just for two seconds before we start Sure, of course, yeah, sure.
The process? - Excuse me.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Josh.
- Mm-hmm.
I just want you to know, sincerely, that if you get this part, nobody will be happier for you than me.
- Thank you.
- You getting more famous only helps our show.
That's what I think too.
That's exactly what I think.
I just don't want you to get too excited.
Does that make any sense? Mm-mmm.
See, I been around a long time, and I've fallen for rumors left and right, and when they don't happen, it gets hard.
My God.
My God.
You can't stand it, can you? - What? - You've done, what, like 3,000 movies? I'm up for one role, and it just It kills you.
Why can't you just be happy for me? Josh, I will be happy for you if you get the part.
When I get the part.
When you get the part.
If you get whatever it is, if it happens, great.
I just look, if it came out wrong, I'm sorry.
- It came out wrong.
- I totally apologize.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay.
I totally apologize.
- Yeah? - Gentlemen.
- They're ready for you.
- Thank you so much.
- We'll see you soon.
- Be right there.
I been through it, Josh, you know, big time.
You may not know this, but on Jaws, I met with Spielberg five times, right? - Is this real? - Yeah.
- For which role? - The Robert Shaw part.
So I bought into that, and then when it doesn't happen, you go, "Well, aren't I a schmuck?" I don't want that to happen to you, all right? It's a much different version of that movie.
- Dave? - Yes? Um, let me put a word in your vocabulary I've not heard, in a while.
"Features.
" Features? We haven't had an offer in a long time.
You know, there's just not that much going on in features since that little problem you had at the Improv.
That people are still pissed about that? The best reality show would have been the Rosenbergs.
That's a real reality show.
"Julius, did you sell the atomic bomb plans to the Russians?" "Yeah, I sold the " Not funny! - What? - Not funny.
You're a Jew hater.
- I'm a Jew hater? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Are you Jewish? - Yes.
Then you're right, 'cause I hate you.
Well Grandparents died in the Holocaust, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
But how'd they miss you? Hey, why don't you say that to my face? I'll get off the stage, and I'll punch you - right in the [bleep.]
mouth.
How do you like that? - I would love it.
- Look, I'm not into your show.
- Oh, man, hey.
- Put these [bleep.]
phones away.
- Get over here! - Who gives a [bleep.]
? You're gonna challenge me? [bleep.]
! I just don't get why people are so upset about something that happened six months ago.
You know, you can't even go into a club anymore.
You know, it's not fair, Billy.
It's just not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair, Dave, because no matter where you go, somebody's got a phone or you know, and they're always taking your picture or taping you.
I can't go anywhere.
You know, it's like I'm always on a goddamn television show.
You know what, oddly enough, I think McG has something going.
You want me to give him a call? McG? That's interesting.
That's literally the smallest name director out there, but No, but he's great.
Yeah, see what it is.
Whoa, man, sausage and bacon.
You have any idea how many toxins you're putting in your body right now? Yeah.
I like a lot of breakfast meats.
Yeah, clearly, you have Babe's entire extended family on your plate.
Don't get me wrong, I used to love the stuff.
I really did.
Not anymore, though, 'cause I know what's good for me, and that is not good for me.
Nitrates, piggy nitrates.
Not good.
- You're blocking the salsa.
- Of course.
Langer's pastrami, that was my weakness.
I would drive downtown, skirt around the 405, take down a sandwich and a half, sometimes two.
Don't miss those days.
I'm gonna reach around you and grab that salt.
The way the meat would be all warm and almost melty Juicy.
And just the bread would sort of soak it up.
Enough sodium and fat to kill you dead in your grave, though, you and your whole village.
That's why I stick with my juice! Juice.
Mmm, mmm.
I gotta go.
I gotta go, Lumer, thanks.
Boy, these guys and their fad diets, huh? Yeah, I'll be honest with you, I don't really understand.
It's all genetics anyway.
My uncle Myron had salami and eggs for breakfast every day for his entire life, lived till he was 97.
A truck ran over him.
It was a vegetable truck.
Kidding.
You know what, enjoy yourself.
Eat all the sausage and the bacon and whatever you want.
Life's too short, you know what I'm saying? Sure enough, Billy.
- All right, have a good day.
- Have a good day.
Yeah.
I'm gonna have an egg white omelet, no butter, spinach, one cube of ham.
Oh, thank you.
Hey.
Hey, Billy, what an honor.
What an honor.
Oh, well, hey, give it a minute, you may want to reconsider.
- Thank you, my friend.
- Have a seat.
Oh, that's great.
Well, I just want you to know, you're sitting with a huge fan.
I mean, Mr.
Saturday Night is just fantastic.
Well, hey, this already is a good room for me.
Hey, thank you very much.
Yeah, I mean, that scene where you guys are having Chinese food in the bathroom and you don't wake the baby, it's just it's very sweet, it's very real.
Well, it was real.
It was I mean, when I first started out, I'd be on the road a lot.
I we already had a baby, so when I played a little club someplace, we could afford one little room, so the bathroom became the dining room, yeah.
One baby, one room.
You you'd like to have more rooms than babies, if possible.
Listen, I'm really glad you're here.
The part I've got for you, I conceived it for you.
- Really? - From the second we were talking about it, I'm like, "You know, we should get" I don't And I realized, Billy Crystal.
I'm thinking about everything from, you know, what Jodie meant to me on Soap.
- It's like, you know - Wow.
If you suck three cocks, you're gay.
And it's just I wanted to do something that sort of took advantage of what you can do in an action capacity, sort of mix through that Forget Paris thing and try to capture some of the heart, and just land in a good spot and just reintroduce you to today's kind of Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram crowd.
Great.
This is great.
- Hey.
- Yeah? Thank God it's Friday, right? Yeah - Hey, Kristen, hey.
Hey! - Hi.
Perfect timing.
Come in, come in.
- Oh, okay, sure.
- Come on in, have a seat.
Okay, so I'm I'm working on my acting, my serious acting.
- Okay.
- And, uh, I was hoping that you could say something to make me cry.
- To make you cry? - Yeah.
Yeah, it's just a simple acting exercise.
- You're you.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm me.
- Mm-hmm.
You say something to make me cry, I cry.
Go.
Are you sure you want me to do this? I'm not an actor, and I've never really taken any improv classes, so I don't This isn't about improv.
All you need to do is give me some bad news.
- Um - Hit me.
Josh, the show's been canceled.
No, no.
No, I think it needs to be really terrible news.
- That was - I mean, don't get me wrong.
That's that's sad news.
If I if the show were canceled, that would be super sad.
Maybe not "tears" sad if it were canceled.
More like, "I'll miss everybody, let's keep in touch" sad.
Yeah, I get you.
I get you, okay.
No, let's try again.
Something really awful.
Something really, really awful, okay? Okay.
Um Josh, your grandma died.
That's how you would tell me that news? - Well - "Josh, your grandma died"? - If she died, I would.
- No.
You wouldn't just blurt it out.
You would ease me into it.
You would sit me down.
Be sensitive.
Work with me, okay? An actor's only as good as his scene partner, okay? - Okay, okay.
- Let's do it again.
This is in you.
This is in you.
- Go.
- Okay.
Give it to me.
Um Josh, can you sit down? I have some very hard news that I need to tell you about your grandmother.
She was in the kitchen wiping up some tea, and she slipped, And she hit her head on that blue kitchen counter that you've had since you were a child, remember? And anyway, she couldn't get up.
And after a day or so of lying there in agony She vomited from the pain and she choked on her vomit.
I'm sorry.
She was dead for about five days, they think, before a neighbor, who was just coming to return some poultry shears, discovered a very grisly scene.
When the gases build up inside of a corpse, they can actually make the corpse explode.
Your bubbe exploded.
It was a huge mess.
Maggots all over the kitchen like, someone had tossed meat confetti everywhere.
I'm so sorry.
I No, no, no, no.
I-I'm gonna go find somebody else.
Mmm.
Unbelievable.
Hey, you okay? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, just just allergies.
Oh, I have it too.
It's terrible, terrible.
I have a whole bunch of Claritin in my office.
- Works great for me.
- Oh.
So when you're at the pharmacy next time, you should, you know, pick some up.
I will, that's great advice.
Thank you.
Yeah, also, I got a question.
How do you feel about this whole Josh juice cleanse thing? I think it's fantastic.
I mean, good for him.
Yeah, I'm worried about him.
Yeah, me too.
You know, it's not Not a jealousy thing.
- Oh, no.
- It's not about the movie role.
I mean, he's not even gonna get that part anyway.
- He's not getting the part? - No.
I'm worried about him.
He's distracted.
Is this gonna throw off his timing? You know, that's what I'm worried about.
Oh, sure, yeah, sure.
I did this movie with Christopher Walken.
- Mm-hmm.
- Brilliant guy, amazing actor.
He was on this garlic diet where all he did was eat garlic all day, and it smelled so bad.
Um B-Billy, could we run lines? Billy, I'd like to change the timing, can we Oh, that's disgusting, oh.
Disgusting, it stunk.
It was like being in a cab in Bangladesh, you know? Ugh! If I'm ever in Bangladesh, I'm gonna walk.
What I'm saying is, I'm worried about him.
You never ever want to change the size of a comedy team.
I mean, if Laurel was the same size as Hardy, not funny.
Not funny at all.
I'm glad we had this talk.
- Me too.
- All right, feel better.
Me too.
Any time, my door's always open.
Yeah, I know.
- You all right? - I am.
Okay, see you later.
Hi, Mitch.
Do you have any improv shows coming up? Yeah.
Yeah, actually, I do, tonight.
My new group, it's Big Black Car.
We're gonna be going up at the Cup of Café Café, In we're in the basement.
Cool.
Maybe I can check it out.
Yeah.
We could, whatever, get a drink after, whatever, yeah.
Yeah, that sounds fun.
Cool.
We're doing this new form, actually, we invented tonight.
It's called the Jenga.
- Uh-huh.
- So normally, instead of building, building, building the scene work, we ha we have Oh, my God, I just remembered that I have a thing.
Sorry.
Okay.
Okay.
This is for you, everybody, so enjoy.
You've been working very hard.
Thanks, Billy.
This is really great.
Half a sandwich, Lumer? You're cutting down.
I've already done one.
You're a rail.
I'm doing what I can.
It's my new diet.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Look at this, it's a Jewish Benihana.
Do you see how she's slicing this here? - Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
- What's going on? I wanted to do something special for the crew.
They been working so hard, you know, so So hard, yeah, they're awesome.
You guys are awesome.
- Yeah.
- I I was thinking about doing something for them too at some point.
Hey, well, dig in.
This is from Langer's, you know, from downtown, the greatest pastrami ever, so Yeah, I know Langer's well.
I know Langer's real well.
It's amazing.
It's absolutely amazing.
I-I wish I could, but I'm still on the cleanse.
Oh, the cleanse.
I Oh, this, you're doing that, and we got all of we got this.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, but you know, I would put some aside, but it's never the same.
Look, she's just slicing it now.
This is happening now.
I can see that.
Yeah, and you can't freeze it.
- You can't freeze it because - No.
It's they find you and they put you in Jew jail.
You know? 'Cause it's just perfect, like, right now.
I-I'm just gonna smell this, 'cause that's - Sure.
- That's the best part anyway, - just the smell.
- Sure.
Yeah, smells better than the Josh? - Yeah.
- Look like you're bobbing for pastrami.
Good on you, Billy.
This is amazing.
Yeah.
Enjoy.
Ooh, I'm gonna have a little bit myself.
Hey.
Does your nose itch? Now it does.
Well, this is the "Grampa and Me" sketch.
- Right.
- You're the Grampa, and Josh, you're the baby, - won't behave in the class.
- Yeah, right.
Oh, Josh, when we I'm sorry.
You okay? Huh? Yeah? Me? Yeah.
This is all making sense to you? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I am so sorry to do this again, guys, I really am, I really am.
From the bottom of my heart, I gotta take it, okay? - Good luck.
- Go for Gad.
You think this is the big news? How could I not get it? I was the only choice.
You were, you were, and then they decided not to go Jewish, and then Chris Pratt's schedule opened up, I God damn it, is there anything Chris Pratt won't do? Dude, you need to listen to me right now, okay? This is a win.
You know how many actors wait their whole career for even the rumor of being up for a Scorsese movie? How many? Uh a lot.
I'm telling you, bro, this has given you juice.
Please please do not mention the word "juice" right now.
Please? Where is Josh? Where I am sweating.
Look at me.
I've got an ecosystem forming in my pants.
Where the hell is Josh? You know, I just I still think we should've done that "Downton Bunny" skit.
Stop with the "Downtown Bunny" thing.
I don't want to do a "Downtown Bunny" thing.
Well, it's "Downton Bunny.
" It makes no sense.
Makes no sense.
Bunnies living in a mansion, it's not smart funny.
Where is he? The ADs are just Are looking all over for him.
They've knocked on his dressing room door like five times.
Would you just call him? Try him again.
I will try him again! It's Upstairs, Downstairs, but with bunnies.
Josh? Josh, they're ready to shoot.
Josh.
Josh, they're ready to shoot.
They hop up and down There he is! There's our guy.
- Hey.
- Hey, sorry about that.
I'm so sorry.
I just had to take that.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
All right, fantastic, let's do it.
You guys want to just run the lines? - Yeah, let's just run quick.
- Yeah.
And maybe, if you're good, we'll go out and get ice cream afterwards, okay? What? Oh, j Oh.
It's all right, Josh.
All right.
It's okay.
Didn't get it? All right.
It's okay.
So, Josh learned how to cry.
You're afraid of the tennis ball, you're terrified.
The tennis ball is trying to kill you.
All right, I got it.
All right, let's get this together, let's go.
We only got him for one day.
Let's go, let's do this! Get the ball in there.
Get the ball in there.
All right, fear, fear.
The ball is attacking you, it's coming in.
It's the missile, it's on its way.
- You're an arms dealer.
Okay, look, the thing is, the tennis ball is what you're most afraid of.
You're terrified of the tennis ball.
Let me see your fear face.
Fear face.
Fear face, fear face.
Don't lose that.