The Comedy Get Down (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 I can't do lizards.
Hey, Charlie Murphy.
Could I get an autograph? Hey, listen, man, it's kinda early.
It's 9:30 in the morning.
I can't sign right now.
What about a selfie? Hey, get the [BLEEP.]
off me, man! I said no.
You want a selfie, I'll give you a selfie of my fist going in your [BLEEP.]
eye.
Get the [BLEEP.]
outta here, man.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Thank you.
Charlie, very charming this morning.
Hey, listen, you gotta protect your space, all right? Charlie, lookin' like you're gettin' soft in your old age man.
I remember back in the day, you wouldn't give a man a fair warning.
- Cha-pow! - I went to jail a lot back then, too.
Okay, no getting arrested on my watch, please.
Baby, he ain't gotta worry about nothin'.
Charlie ain't built like that no more.
He lost his step, you understand me? You're brittle.
You're gettin' old.
Yo, nobody brittle.
My bones is dead toned.
Ain't nobody brittle, okay? You think I still can't whoop some ass? I don't think you got it, Charlie.
Go get that fan, that selfie fan, and bring him the [BLEEP.]
back over here.
- Hey! - Nope.
I stomp that [BLEEP.]
[ARGUING.]
- Please, guys.
- Don't tell me I ain't got it no more.
Bust that [BLEEP.]
teeth.
I'll put 'em on a string and wear it around my [BLEEP.]
neck, man.
NINA: Okay! [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
I have to take this call from the booking agent.
Can you guys behave yourselves for a minute? We're good.
I was jokin', Charlie.
Just chill out, man.
I didn't like that kind of joke.
[ARGUING.]
Hey, hey, hey.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.
What's up, man? A little history of this city.
In the 1500s, Spain declared this city as its own.
Now Cubans kinda run it.
But today, I declare this city ours in the name of The Comedy Get Down.
[ENTHUSIASTIC CHATTER.]
And to celebrate the Spaniards' maiden voyage, we're gonna get hammered on a yacht.
- Oh.
- Yeah! I heard if you go out past 5 miles, you're technically in Cuban waters, and anything goes.
Let me check that real quick, guys.
We don't wanna break - any international laws.
- Ignorance is bliss.
Man, don't cut into the fun, Ced.
I found a strip club that used to be a warehouse.
Like a Costco? Yes, DL.
You can order strippers in bulk.
So I can get a pallet of strippers? Please tell me they givin' out free samples.
Of course they're giving out free samples.
This is a high-class joint, right, George? I got my card here.
ALL: Yeah! I'm gonna get me two Puerto Ricans.
[ENTHUSIASTIC CHATTER.]
- Ceddie! - Uh oh.
Ceddie? - Hey! - Hey! Hiya, babe.
- Hey, guys.
- ALL: Hey.
- Mrs.
The Entertainer.
- Yeah.
- So are you surprised, baby? - Yes, I am.
Yeah, you've been workin' so hard on this tour, I thought it'd be great if I pop up and surprise you so we could spend the day together.
- Pop up? - Pop up, that's right.
I mean, you didn't have any plans, did you? No, he ain't got no plans! Good to see you.
Hey, DL.
We're gonna get out of here, Ceddie! We're gonna get out of here.
Hey, White Terry? Grab the car.
We're gettin' out of here and have some fun.
[LAUGHS.]
Darryl! Surprise! [LAUGHTER.]
Darryl.
Wow.
Oh, baby! Look! I can't believe that you're here.
[THEME SONG.]
Mm! What are you doing here? This is a surprise.
Well, yeah, of course it is, honey.
What a treat! Aw, gosh, Nina got everything planned for us, honey.
And she thought of everything.
Oh, so Nina had something to do with this? Yeah, Nina had a lot to do with this.
Well, you kids have fun today.
Be careful and put your sunblock on.
- The sun is hot.
- What are you guys doing? - Oh, I don't - Uh Not too much.
Maybe go shopping in bulk.
[DANCE MUSIC.]
[CHEERING.]
That's great.
That's a great picture.
I think I'm gonna send it to DL and Ced.
Damn, George, you got a mean streak goin' on you, man.
Man, listen, I think it's great they have wives they want to spend time with.
EDDIE: You ready to settle down again, George? Hey, you think you might need a new kidney or somethin'? I got a daughter that's grown too.
Well, I got three daughters and six boys.
I got a plethora of kidneys.
It's a liver I might need.
Y'all are [BLEEP.]
up dads.
I'm trying to [BLEEP.]
.
Let's [BLEEP.]
up.
Here, let me drink yours too, baby.
[CELL PHONE DINGS.]
Son of a bitch! - What's wrong, baby? - Nothin'.
It's a thorn or a Venus fly trap or something.
You know.
Anyway, baby, I don't like it out here in this nature thing.
It's boring.
And Well, it's not boring.
But I'm just saying, you saw "Little Shop of Horrors" These things can come alive and just eat you up.
Stop being so dramatic.
It is not oh, you got a mosquito right there.
But let's just move on to the next spot that Nina picked.
- Oh.
- We gave her a list, but she really chose some really cool stuff, you guys.
- Oh, Nina? - Yeah? It's just too bad we're gonna have to fire her for embezzlement.
- What? - DL: Yeah, she steals.
She does not! Right after she planned this trip, we caught her.
- No! - Yeah, doing this to the whole family.
- What? - We've been here before.
That was you? Come on, now.
I know that was you.
As a matter of fact, under this tree is where you first told me you were pregnant.
You're right.
Wow, look how much this tree has grown.
Yeah, almost as much as my love for you has grown.
- Aw, that's corny, but sweet.
- I do what I can.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, uh, since we're - here under this tree, - Yeah? Let's see if we can get you pregnant again.
- How much time we got? - I never need a lot of time.
Come on.
Yes.
Hey, hey, hey, you guys! Don't be too long! Nina made us reservations at that vegan bistro.
You know, where the food, it tastes just like meat.
Well, you know what else tastes just like meat, babe? - What? - Meat.
[CELL PHONE DINGS.]
I don't get that.
- Damn it! - What? Ooh, I thought I saw Bigfoot.
Bigfoot? Is that real? [PIANO MUSIC IN BACKGROUND.]
Man, what you up to, man? You've been hiding in here for, like, 20 minutes.
Look, I'm not hiding, man.
I'm just admiring the art.
That ain't art.
Come on, DL.
You don't get it.
That is symbolic of man's desire to create his own destiny.
Or not.
I see what's really goin' on here.
You are feeling a little FoMO.
Hold on.
Whoa, bro.
What you just call me, man? FoMO Fear of Missing Out.
We are missing out, DL.
Have you not been getting George's texts? Them on a yacht, shooting rifles, judging bikini contests, having cigars with the winners of the bikini contest.
- But are they happy? - Oh, trust me, they're happy.
It's one day, man.
We're so lucky we have women who are willing to fly all the way out to Miami just to be with us.
Look, I think instead of complaining, we should savor every minute of it.
You know what? You're right.
- I am.
- You're right, man.
I mean, I'm just whining about nothing, man, you know? I mean, we got beautiful ladies with us.
I should just be thankful and enjoy my blessings.
Amen, my dude.
Yeah, bro, let's go.
Oh, Godn Whoa, whoa.
Oh, wow, look exactly where her hands are on George and Charlie.
Where do you get a midget and a throw pillow? Is that blow it up.
I didn't see that.
Was that on there? Wow, Cubans do it right.
They keep this town at 100.
Miami's gotta be the sexiest city we've ever been to, huh? Fo sho.
Right? The locals have no rules.
I saw families eating dinner at 11:00 PM with kids.
One even had a high chair.
[BLEEP.]
for real right now? I'm gonna go take a walk on the beach.
Yeah.
Put your floaties on.
- WHITE TERRY: That'd be good for me.
- Oh, man.
- Seriously? - Something wrong with him.
George, I gotta tell you, man, I appreciate you bringin' us down here, man.
You do Miami right, man.
Class, little crass, some grass.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, [BLEEP.]
! These are tailor-made pants.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
It's an accident, Charlie.
No, no, no, George.
Let him finish, man.
Charlie is all bark, man.
He ain't got no bite left in him.
[BLEEP.]
all that bark shit, man.
[BLEEP.]
my pants up, man.
I just hear him barking.
Woof, woof, woof, woof! - This is [BLEEP.]
- You think I got no bite in me? I'll beat the shit out of that mother [BLEEP.]
.
Come on, that dude's my age.
Don't beat up an old man.
This is [BLEEP.]
up.
You know what? I'm goin' upstairs to my room, man.
Hey, hey, hold up, man.
Let me roll with you because I don't take drugs from strangers.
- You got some weed left, right? - Wait a minute, man.
The night is still young and the girls are younger.
Where are you guys going? George.
Hey, what's up? What's up, Filippo? What are you doing out here? I had a show around the corner, man.
I ran into Nate Diaz, the MMA fighter.
We're chillin'.
- Hey, what up, Nate? - What's happenin', dude? Oh, man, we're on our way to this wild underground party right now, man.
You guys wanna come with us? Yeah, let's go with them.
Let's go.
I got room for everybody, man.
But I'm a little high, so it might take a little while to - get there.
But we'll get there.
- Hi! Hi, I'm Eddie Griffin.
Now that we ain't strangers no more, you got them trees? - I got those trees.
- Let's roll.
Let's go.
Come on, Eddie.
[DANCE MUSIC.]
Come this way, man.
Oh, that's that shit.
[SHOUTING.]
Did I tell you, man? - Hey, what happened to Nate? - Oh, he bailed, man.
He said this place is too crazy for him, man.
Too crazy for an MMA fighter? Hey, Antonio? Aah, he got your nose! Shit! There goes our ride.
Yo, man, this is like a party at Chris Brown's house.
[CHUCKLES.]
Damn.
Right, hey, Miami, woo! Wow, that one smells like culo.
Well, all right.
Cool, all right.
Yeah, party, woo! Oh my god, you're George Lopez! - How are ya doin'? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
I didn't know you were into these types of parties.
Yeah, I come to these parties all the time.
Yeah? You know, I'm into all kinds of new things.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Yeah, you know? What's happenin'? Look, I know I'm not My hat fell off.
You know, you would wanna, like, - get out of here, would you? - Are you kidding me? I'm dying to get out of here! - You are? - What do you have in mind? - Have you ever been in a three-way? - A what? [LOUDER.]
A three-way! A three way! Yeah, with somebody? I'm just saying my roommate is, like, your biggest fan.
Oh, okay.
Well, I like to keep my fans happy.
Oh my God, Robin is gonna be so excited.
Robin? All right, Robin.
- You wanna go? - Yeah, let's go! All right, nice turnaround, Miami! Woo! Watch out! [GRUNTING.]
Watch out, Shona! Whoa.
[CHEERING.]
EDDIE: Shona got knocked the [BLEEP.]
out.
Yo, hold my shit, man.
Hold my shit.
For what? You don't think I can fight, right? I'm old and brittle? Let me show you how old and brittle I am.
I can still fight, bro.
I'm gonna go whoop some ass, and you're gonna watch.
Callin' me old and brittle.
You must be out of your mind.
Bro, shit.
[SOOTHING JAPANESE MUSIC.]
Cedric, where are your drawers? I didn't know I was supposed to be wearin' any.
Oh my God.
Well, can you at least adjust your angle, then? I got things lookin' at me.
Fine.
Is that better? Not really.
Well, nobody's askin' you to look.
Where's DL, anyway? He went back to the hotel.
He said that fancy vegan place didn't sit right with his stomach.
Didn't sit right with his stomach.
- Maybe it was the nut cheese.
- You know what? The phrase "nut cheese" shouldn't sit well with anyone.
You know, I'm just surprised because I know DL.
- He loves cashews.
- He does.
Okay.
You know what? I'll be right back.
Where are you goin'? I'm gonna go put on some drawers.
Thank God.
Cedric, come on.
I'm sorry.
It's like a burden now, baby.
It's allrighty.
Okay.
These need some grips on it.
I've got it.
This is good.
- Stay right there - No.
Oh, so you're sick all of a sudden? Oh, man, I'm just Ooh, I'm feelin' so nauseous.
I just didn't want to spoil you guys' fun.
I'm not havin' fun.
I'm in a little bitty tiny robe drinking green slime.
- Well, hang in there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's that? What is that? What? That table.
Is that room service? No, no.
Not at all.
Are those lobster shells? No, no, no, man.
Don't you lie to a pastor, DL.
You are not a pastor.
You just played one on TV.
I can't believe this, man.
I mean, what happened to the we got such fantastic wives, we're so lucky, we should savor every minute? Our wives are fantastic.
I love my wife.
We've been together 35 years.
That's billions of minutes.
I just wanted a few for myself.
Well, so you're not comin' back? Yeah, I'm comin' back after the game.
You watchin' the Lakers right now? It's the Lakers.
You know I ain't havin' fun.
See ya! DL! [GRUNTS.]
Ow! [CHEERING.]
All right, Charlie, look.
I believe you can fight, man.
But you get paid for slingin' jokes, not for slingin' [BLEEP.]
around the room, man.
- Come on, Let's get out of this shit.
- Hold it, hold it.
I'mma prove that I can fight, that I still got it, bruh.
Look, you might still got it, bruh, but that [BLEEP.]
is gonna take it away.
[LAUGHS.]
- Welcome.
- Wow.
When you said toys, I thought maybe those controlled cars.
I heard you were into new things.
[LAUGHS.]
Sometimes.
Oh, wow, hm.
Wow, that's [LAUGHS.]
I love Miami, wow.
Miami is oh ho! [LAUGHS.]
- You like that, huh? - I don't like that personally.
- Robin, he's here! - Robin, I'm here! Do you want some wine or tequila? Yeah, I'll take some tequila.
Where's Robin? - Good.
- Who the [BLEEP.]
is this? Wait a minute.
Who the [BLEEP.]
is that? - That's Robin.
Robin.
- Oh, no.
Hell, no.
I thought you were - This is George! - Who? George Lopez.
George Lopez, man.
"George Lopez Show"? "Lopez Tonight"? The George Lopez TV Land thing? Those all sound like the same show.
They're not the same show.
Robin, you're always going on and on about George Lopez.
I brought him here for you.
Look! [LAUGHS.]
Not George Lopez, Mario Lopez.
- You never listen to me ever.
- Wait a minute.
Oh my Gosh.
I tried to do you a favor.
I brought you home a celebrity to [BLEEP.]
and this is how you thank me? - It happens sometimes.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so No, really, I'm so sorry, George, because I knew that you were looking forward to this.
Yeah, well, you know, things change, you know? I don't even know why this guy is famous 'cause he's not funny.
- Wait a minute, Robin.
- Mario Lopez is funny.
All right, he might be cuter with the dimples and all that, but I'm funnier.
Wow, way to hurt George's feelings.
It's not that I'm hurt.
It's just you want accuracy, 'cause that shit gets out there You know what? You are nothing but a rude little bitch.
And I can't even believe I let you move in here.
- Let me move? - SUE: Yeah.
You begged me to live with you because you can't handle being alone and hearing all the dark thoughts and the silence.
Oh, I didn't hear that at the club.
- [BLEEP.]
you! - [BLEEP.]
you! - [BLEEP.]
you! - [BLEEP.]
you first! No, [BLEEP.]
you! Okay, wait a minute, could I get, like, a Uber? You know, the Wi-Fi so I could just call a car? - BOTH: [BLEEP.]
you! - What? You're gonna come in here and bring me this? O, Susanna, don't you come for me, bitch.
I thought I was gonna get lucky tonight with Mario Lopez, my crush, my dream.
I worked hard! I worked hard! I bleached my anus for this? Oh, my God.
Don't you say a word, man.
Man, you still almost whooped that little punk's ass [BLEEP.]
even though he half your age.
Yeah, right.
Hey, Charlie? Hey, I'm gonna need a little money, man, so I can catch a cab back to the hotel.
What happened to your money? I lost it bettin' on you.
- Bettin' on me? - Yeah.
I mean, I'd be bullshittin' when I say you're brittle and old, man.
Want some real talk? You're one of the toughest mother [BLEEP.]
I've met.
That's real nice, Eddie.
Yeah, that's what's up, bro.
The cab's on me.
On you? Where did you get all that money, man? I may be old and brittle.
I'm not stupid.
Bet on the other guy.
Oh, my Goodness.
That was such a fun day, baby.
You know, it actually was fun.
Cedric, stop lying.
You did not like that.
You didn't like any of it.
No, to be honest, baby, it turned out okay.
More importantly, it was just dope to have my beautiful wife come down and spend the day with me in Miami.
I love you.
I love you too.
You know what? How about we go back out and do something to get in the mood? I don't know, babe.
It's been a long day.
I'm tired.
Let's just go up, you know? I read about this place.
It's a strip club that's so big, it used to be a warehouse.
- A warehouse? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, you know, it's not really my thing, you know what I'm saying? But if you wanna go, come on! [LAUGHS.]
CEDRIC: You have singles? I need singles.
I need singles! Oh my God.
Voicemail.
Ced! Dude, where are you, man? What could be more important than taking my call? [ARGUING.]
Oh, no.
Ced, come and pick me up.
I'm sorry about the texts I sent.
Dude, they're throwing dildos at me!