The Cool Kids (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

1 You know what really grinds my gears? Cars today.
What's with all the beeping? My ex-wife's car used to beep every time you backed up.
Bitch, I know I'm backing up! I'm driving you! I'm in charge! I can't tell if you're mad at the car or your wife.
Well, a little bit of both.
Well, you've been talking about it for an hour and a half now.
And he doesn't even own a car.
You know, if you're gonna sit at my table, you got to listen to my jokes.
Oh, you're telling jokes? Is that what's happening here? Oh, so you don't think I'm funny, do you now, Margaret? Well, how about this: a doctor, a priest, and the prime minister of Morocco Hey, quit telling bad jokes.
I need water.
[GASPS.]
Cheese and crackers! Is this tap? Why do you keep going on those crazy hikes with Gorgeous George? I have enough self-esteem issues without Gorgeous George telling me I look dumpy in my Umbros.
Who's Gorgeous George? And if he's such a jerk, why are you calling him gorgeous? Well, just look at him, Margaret.
He's a New York six, but a Arizona ten.
He's the activities coordinator.
It's an elected position, and it's totally gone to his head.
Activities coordinator has totally gone to his head? Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
You are new, aren't you? He is a petty, vindictive man who uses his power against anybody he doesn't like, and he does not like us.
Uh-uh.
I once scuffed his moccasin, and he installed a vending machine right outside my room, so every night, it's, "Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk!" It's-it's the soda cans.
- "Cachunk!" - I got it, Charlie.
And the worst thing about him is he's incredibly unfunny.
Tennis, anyone? [WOMEN LAUGH.]
That wasn't even funny.
Now, what he should've said is, "Who's over here making all that racket?" See, then he shows them the racket.
Now-now that's a joke.
Well, well.
Let me just take a peek under the lid of this trash can over here.
Ah, yeah, just as I thought: four of the biggest losers I've ever seen.
You don't even know me.
Oh, Amanda, don't I? My name is Margaret.
Very well, I don't know you.
But if you're associating with these losers, you're a loser, too.
Yeah, well, you might have me there.
Why, Sidney, I'm surprised you're not icing your ham-like thighs right now.
The sound of them chafing this morning scared the birds away.
Man, get the hell out of here.
Go tell somebody else some corny-ass jokes, - and that's "jokes" in quotes.
- Mm.
I just wanted to remind you degenerates about the activities coordinator election this Friday.
I urge you to do what every lady's done in this complex at one time or another and "Say yes to George.
" Toodle-oo, trash.
Bye, George, have a nice day.
You know what we need to do about Gorgeous George? Yeah, drag his ass out in the desert, tie his ass to a cactus, and let the vultures eat him bite by bite.
No, no, no.
One of us needs to run for activities coordinator and beat him.
Well, okay, but my way would be a lot more fun.
I really think we can do this, guys.
If we could beat George, Sid, you'll never have to go on a hike again, Charlie would finally have some peace and quiet, and Hank Hank What is your problem with him again? The man's a criminal.
He steals laughs when he doesn't deserve them.
Well, he has been running unopposed for ten years.
He's complacent, and we're hungry.
I think we really have a chance to beat George.
Slow your roll there, rookie.
Now, the way I see it, this guy's gotten complacent, but we're hungry.
I think we have a chance to beat this George.
That's what I just said.
Listen to him, Margaret, he's onto something.
I don't have to listen to him.
I will think about all the stuff I just said a minute ago.
Now, who's running? So you don't know everything.
It's obviously Charlie.
There are some very premium nuts in this mix.
Charlie, really? Yeah, you're a woman, I'm black, he's gay.
We're trying to win an election in a retirement community, we're not putting together a college brochure.
Charlie's our man.
Well, I accept, and I think if we can focus on the issues Hey-oh! Pistachio! All right, well, if Nut Boy is going to be our candidate, we're gonna have to run a negative campaign.
We need to dig up some dirt on George.
Really? Why can't we just have a fun mascot like that Geico gecko? [LAUGHING.]
: He makes me laugh.
Or-or an Activities Lizard who eats bullies and sings sometimes.
Lizards don't eat people.
They blow flames at 'em.
That's dragons.
Lizards can be dragons.
What about Komodos? Well, as your candidate What about Komodos, Margaret? What What is this? Why are you people in my office? We're taking advantage of your open door policy.
I don't have an open door policy.
You know, I think we're trying to say the same thing.
We're here to register Charlie as an official candidate for activities coordinator.
ALLISON: Yeah That's not a thing you need to do.
So do you decree that he is a official candidate? You just show up to the town hall on Friday.
- You don't need a decree.
- Uhp! - I heard a decree.
- I heard her, too.
- Nice work, Hank.
- Okay.
Now, can we please go dig up some dirt on George? Margaret, write this down.
Elections are not won with dirt and negativity.
They are won with charm and charisma and, most importantly, jokes.
Comedy, that's the weak spot for Gorgeous George.
Yeah, more like "Bore-geous Bore-ge.
" No, see, that's why I'm gonna be writing the jokes from here on out.
You missed "Bore-geous Snore-ge.
" That's how you win an election.
All right, let's get out there and charm some voters.
- Okay.
- Listen up, you may learn something.
Well, at least he looks great.
Sid, you're a regular Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
I did my best.
His entire closet is filled with free T-shirts from the bank.
- All right, so get in there - Yeah.
- uh, don't be weird - No.
be charming, and hit 'em with that great joke, - and get the hell out.
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Walk in the park.
I feel like I'm watching the Titanic leaving the dock.
Not everybody died on that ship, Margaret.
Hi.
I'm Charlie.
I'm not weird; I'm charming.
Here's a personal story.
In 1998, I was abducted by little green aliens.
I'm new to politics.
How do you feel this is going? And I was so surprised to find that they call it "outercourse.
" Wow, I did not think it would go that well.
Charlie, you diarrhea'd the pool.
You diarrhea'd the pool with everybody in it.
You're out, and so are you, Hank.
I'm in charge now.
Wait a minute, what you mean you in charge? Your candidate just described being anally probed by aliens as "a great learning experience.
" I said "annually probed.
" Although both are true.
You better stop talking smack, Margaret, and get on the Charlie train.
He's your candidate, too.
Not anymore.
I'm running Sid, and we're gonna kick your ass.
What? Moi? Yes, "you-ah.
" He's cute.
He's funny.
Everybody loves him.
He's our best chance of taking down George and you.
Let's go, Sid.
Wait, where's your spine, Sid? You gonna do everything this woman tells you to? - Well, no.
- Let's go, Sid.
Oh, you guys keep in touch.
All right, we have got a lot of work to do if we're gonna win this election and prove that I am much, much smarter than Hank.
First off, I'd like to say it's an honor to be tapped, but I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
The only thing I've ever run for was my life at a Kid Rock concert.
Aren't you tired of being a doormat? Aren't you sick of going on those hikes? Well, yes.
Well, then, you got to get mean.
Oh, I don't do mean.
Let's just do my lizard mascot idea.
Give him a catchy slogan.
Uh, like, "Vote for Sid.
" [HISSING.]
: Sss-sid.
Okay, see, that, uh, that's a snake, not a lizard.
But at this point I'm just gonna go ahead and embrace that reptile fixation.
So if you want to be a lizard, you're gonna have to be a mean lizard.
But I want to be a fun, singing lizard, like Kermit.
Kermit is a frog.
I am not a zoologist, Margaret.
This is politics, kiddo.
Come on.
You got to get nasty.
Say something mean about George.
Okay, well, here goes.
Uh, and I feel awful saying this, but sometimes he just takes way too long at the salad bar.
That's not mean enough.
You need to get angry.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna be George, okay? [MIMICS GEORGE.]
: Well, well, well, Sidney.
Looking a little mushy around the middle, - aren't we, Sidney? - Well, that's not very nice.
What are you gonna do about it, thunder thighs? - Stop hitting yourself, Sidney.
- [GROANS.]
Th-Th-That's enough, George! You're mean and you're a bully, and sometimes when we go on those hikes I just want to push you off a cliff.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
: That's what I'm looking for.
Oh, that felt great.
But what am I becoming? A viable candidate.
All right, now we got to get this joke right.
- Okay.
- I made a poster for you.
Shabam! [LAUGHS.]
Wow, who the hell is that? It's you, man.
Oh, I thought it was Braveheart.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Aw, for forget the poster.
- Okay.
Now, I'm gonna show you how this joke can kill.
Okay, a doctor, a priest, the prime minister of Morocco walk into a bar.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
[CHUCKLES.]
Morocco is a constitutional monarchy.
I'm gonna pound your head into dust if you keep ruining my damn joke.
All right, I want you to sit here, listen, and watch.
And don't say nothing.
Punam, come here! Is this about your lemonade? [SIGHS.]
Sorry, but we're just slammed right now.
Yeah, uh, I just want you to listen to this joke.
Oh, fun.
I'll be an easy laugh, too.
I did mushrooms last night and they haven't fully worn off yet.
- Okay, you ready? - Yeah.
All right.
A doctor a priest, and the prime minister of Morocco walk into a bar [LAUGHS.]
That's hilarious.
Ugh, I did not see that coming.
I never said the punch line.
Oh, well, that's your mistake because the punch line's the funniest part of a joke.
[YELLS NONSENSICALLY.]
We are making you a good luck lasagna - for the election, Georgie.
- Ooh.
With extra cheese.
Extra cheese? Yes, please.
Now, don't forget say yes to George.
Actually, do forget to say yes to George, because George sucks.
Good start.
Get meaner.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Snow White and her one dwarf, Chafey.
You know, I heard a little rumor that the freak show party is mounting a run against me.
Oh, really? Well, I heard a little rumor myself.
It'd be a shame if your voters knew that you had calf implants.
Outrageous.
These are natural calves.
Perfectly sculpted from years of tiptoeing out of bedrooms.
- Ladies' bedrooms.
- [CHUCKLES.]
More like tiptoeing out of the Tucson Center for Leg Enhancements.
Dr.
Kapnakian says hello.
Larry Kapnakian is a liar! I'll see you at the town hall tonight.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, that felt great.
I don't want to stop.
Don't stop.
Keep going.
Well, uh, what have we here? Is this a painting of dogs playing poker? Sid, what are you doing? You smear George, not the voters.
Well, before you correct me, Margaret, perhaps you should correct that ugly sweater.
Just because it was on the sale rack doesn't mean you have to buy it.
This is my favorite sweater, and I paid full retail.
Where, at the gas station? Ooh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
The lizard is out of his shell and he's snapping.
That's turtles.
Margaret, how are you still single with such a treasure trove of animal facts at your disposal? Vote for Sss-sid.
Vote for Sid.
Hey, old man, here's a headline.
Vote for Sss-sid.
We are not voting for him.
Yeah, Grace, I know.
Do you guys like this sweater? Oh, and another thing, Leon.
You know that little tile room with the nozzle in it? It's called a shower.
Why not give it a whirl sometime? Sid.
- Sid, come in here.
- What? What the hell are you doing in here? I am hiding from Hank.
He's been yelling at me all day, and the smell of bleach really centers me.
That's 'cause your mama was a janitor.
And your mama's mama was a janitor.
Sid, what has gotten into you? You know damn well that my mother was a state senator by day and a high-end prostitute by night.
Margaret has got me all riled up.
I mean, I ripped off a woman's wig today.
At least I thought it was a wig till she screamed.
Hank and Margaret have turned us into the exact things we hate.
You're a bully, and I'm telling culturally inaccurate jokes.
Let's team up and do it our way.
Yes.
I love the lizard idea, by the way.
Well, thank you, Charlie.
- And I love your suit.
- Well [LAUGHING.]
: Well, you picked it out.
[LAUGHING.]
: Oh, well, it makes sense then.
I see what you're saying about the bleach.
Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Hmm.
Hmm.
So you ready for this town hall? - Yeah, as a matter of fact.
- I don't care.
My boy Charlie has got this in the bag.
And, Margaret, you will see that when a joke is perfectly told, it can really move a crowd.
You are delusional if you think Mr.
Alien Outercourse is gonna win anything.
Well, I heard your candidate bit a woman.
Well, he might be a little bit unpolished, but he's a killer, and he is gonna crush Charlie and George.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about George.
Oh, really.
Why is that? One word: lasagna, baby! That's two words, ding-dong.
And I'm gonna need a few more of 'em.
Well, one of George's groupies made him a lasagna, left it outside his door, and I, uh, put a little secret ingredient I bought from Punam in it.
Mushrooms.
Magic mushrooms.
So you're going dirty like I said we should have in the first place, right? Well, let's not get caught all up in the whos and the hows.
The point is, George is gonna be so high, he's never gonna get through that speech, and that's gonna give Charlie all the runway he needs to crush that joke, baby.
You call me "baby" one more time, I'm gonna crush more than your joke.
And Charlie is gonna have one big little problem Sid.
Well, Sid's gonna have one big normal-sized problem Charlie.
We found a hallway lasagna.
Y'all have to try it.
It's like a cheesy blanket I wear on the inside.
We're gonna beat George without you.
This is so damn good.
It's like a cheesy blanket I wear on the inside.
SID: I like it so much, it's like a cheesy blanket I wear on the inside.
Damn, damn, damn! Well, we're screwed.
Your candidate is off somewhere shrooming, and mine is talking to a damn plant.
Ma'am, ma'am, with all due respect, that's your opinion.
You might be screwed, but I'm not.
Well, why are you screwed and I'm not? And why are you smiling like that? Because I took care of everything.
After you drugged both of our candidates, I had to do something.
But it was a foolproof plan! Who eats found lasagna? I knew George would want a little pre-speech workout, so I followed him downstairs and I locked him in the fitness center.
So no George? I mean, I don't understand.
So there are no candidates now? Oh, there's one - baby.
- Oh Hi, everyone.
Hello.
My name is Margaret.
I'm running for activities coordinator.
I have been told that, as a woman, I can't possibly win, but screw that.
I've been told many things by men.
Stupid, bald, unfunny men.
Bald? I got a ring.
I'm in the middle of my speech here.
Shoot, I'm in the middle of mine.
I'm running, too.
Hey, y'all, how you doing? Folks, what's going on with cars? Why are they always beeping? Nothing? Well, it's time to bring out the big gun.
A doctor, a priest, and the, uh, prime minister of Morocco - walk into a bar, and - Excuse me.
Great news.
We're engaged.
Saboteur! She locked me in the gymnasium! These freaks are trying to rig this election.
Freaks? You've got double-D calves and lasagna groupies.
Compared to you, we are normal.
[ROARING.]
Roar! I am the Activities Lizard! Vote for me, and I won't scratch your eyeballs out.
Still think you're not freaks? Maybe you should ask your friend, this baby dragon.
I'm not a baby dragon.
I am an adult lizard, and I'm tired of taking your crap, George! - Oh! - [ALL GASPING.]
So obviously the election is canceled.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Why? Punam is the new activities coordinator because she would much rather do that job for free than get fired for giving drugs to the residents.
In my defense, I was not giving them.
I was selling them.
George ruptured his calf implants when Sid tackled him.
And he's filed a restraining order against the four of you.
Wait, that means he can't come anywhere near us either? He won't bully me anymore! I'm free.
Yeah, me, too.
Good-bye, cachunks.
Cachunks are the sodas Well, Hank, it kind of looks like I won.
Wrong.
We both won.
We played dirty just like I suggested, and everything worked out.
One more thing before we go.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
A doctor, a priest, and the prime minister of Morocco Get out of my office.
I never get to say the punch line.
They walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?" That's comedy there.
"What is this, a joke?"