The Crazy Ones s01e05 Episode Script

Helena's here.
How do I look? Oh, you look great.
You're five pounds of heaven in a six-inch heel.
I just got these shoes.
Do you think she'll like them? Why am I asking you? You don't know what's chic.
She does.
Look at you.
You got a girl crush on Helena.
That's adorable.
I do not have a crush on Helena.
It's business.
You know, she's here to show us her new e-date site for seniors.
I'm just glad my dad is taking lead on this account because elderly romance falls slightly outside my comfort zone.
Wait your dad's handling the e-date thing? He's supposed to be running the voice-over session for Musk.
But I need him.
Helena's waiting.
Well, I need him more.
What the?! What do you got? See, uh, stacked.
Uh-huh.
Nice can.
Stacked.
Yeah.
Nice can.
Something about boobs and butts.
Who could think in this heat? Yeah, when are they gonna fix your air conditioner? I do declare, it's hotter in here than the devil's scrotum in a hot tub in hell.
I don't know whether to check my ass or scratch my watch.
Lord, yes! Dad, I need your help with God, it is hot in here.
I need you for the e-date meeting.
But you promised to run the voice-over session.
Oh, sweet Lord, two attractive suitors.
I am positively swooning.
Ooh, my menagerie! Dad, e-date meeting now! Voice-over session.
You promised.
I did promise Andrew.
Fine.
I'll just go tell Helena that you made other plans.
Whoa.
Helena's here? Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Andrew, you'll have to do the session by yourself.
You've done it a thousand times with me.
Yeah, but I've never been in charge.
I'm just the guy who nods at you and sometimes shrugs.
It's your moment to shine.
Are you ready? Really? Good enough for me.
Helena awaits.
Now, Zachary, does this shirt make my eyes pop? Oh, bluer than a Yankee boy's uniform.
Dear God, you could charm the stripes off a baby zebra.
Come on, now! Come sashay with me.
Be my pleasure.
Please help me.
I'm starting to get the vapors.
Oh, I got you.
Support me through this moment.
Don't worry, now.
Here we are, like bees to honey.
Like moth to a flame.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You know, we did a hell of a job on your other dating sites.
We'll do it again on this one.
As you know, we're a soup-to-nuts agency.
Yeah, I provide the nuts.
And I really enjoy soup.
Is it any wonder I always love coming to see you two? Oh, we love it when you do! So, what are you calling this new site, huh? We're still looking for a name that connects with our mature customers.
Really? How about "Gray Down There"? "It's Just Dinner at Lunchtime.
" "Prostate Players.
" You are both so naughty.
I love being naughty! Yeah, spank me, spank me! But don't worry, we'll nail the name.
How does this site work? Well, our customer creates a profile Mm-hmm.
Ooh, make one for Simon! Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes! Simon Roberts.
Male.
Original hair, mostly original parts.
Six-foot-two.
Actually, I'm five-eight.
Everyone lies.
Six-two is Internet for five-eight.
You save five-eight, you're Peter Dinklage.
Ooh.
So which parts aren't original? Wouldn't you like to know? It's my knee.
So who's this voice-over guy? Fred Melamed.
He's a legend.
You might not know his name, but you know his voice.
CBS News, CBS Sports, Boar's Head meats and cheeses.
He's the Boar's Head guy? He made me quit being vegan.
Ah! Mr.
Melamed, it is such an honor.
My name is Andrew, and I'll be handling I don't really need to know your name, hippie.
Hippie? That's, uh By the way, listen, that's Corinthian leather.
Try not to ruin it with your doobie-stained fingers, all right? Oh, I don't dabble in the doobie.
Oh, I'm sure you don't.
Let's just see if we can't get through today without you having to huff on a hookah, okay, Bob Marley? Just follow me.
Bob Marley.
First question, on scale of one to ten, how sexually adventurous are you? Ten.
With ten including bondage and light-to-medium spanking.
Four.
Maybe a lazy five.
Hell, when the moon's full, six.
With you, seven.
Let's just round it off to a racy 8.
5 and be done with it.
Ten.
We'll get to your profile later.
Second question.
Mm-hmm.
What weather system best describes your sex life? If we're talking last summer, I'd say hurricane.
Ironically, with a woman named Katrina.
At the moment, bit of a drought.
Fields are dry, crops are withering.
It Is He Who Sits With His Fist is my tribal name.
A handsome man like you should never have a dry spell.
It's a crime.
Felony or misdemeanor? I don't mind being cuffed.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
So, who's getting cuffed? No, nothing.
Your dad in some weird sex act.
No, no, can we not talk about this in front of? Heavens, why not? She's an adult.
Uh-huh.
Sydney's not some prudish American, are you? Moi? No, I'm très cool.
I love hearing my dad talk about his sex life.
What could possibly be uncomfortable about that? Besides, our Web site's designed to help older people end their long dry spells.
Hasn't been that long.
It's only been A month? Mm-hmm.
Can you imagine? I mean, what even happens to the human body? Well, I could sit here and talk about sex all day with my dad, um, but we have another meeting.
Sydney, I'm only in town a week.
You will make time for me, yes? Yes! It's a date.
I mean, not a date-date.
It's a lady-female date.
It's more fun than a date.
Oh! We'll have fun, like always.
Uh, next question.
Okay.
What do you say to a woman when you want to make love to her? "Do you accept checks?" Sorry, muffin.
We've all been there.
So cool with this! I'm glad she's cool with it.
Okay! And whenever you are ready sir.
All right, laying it down in three, two "Men today are afraid of women.
"Well, I'm not scared to be sexy.
"I unbutton the second button on my shirt.
"You know the one.
And then I slap on some Musk, because women smell fear.
" Well, I think that was golden.
Now on to the tag.
He's so commanding.
Very alpha.
Don't you think he could be a touch less serial killer-y? I gotta tell him.
I wouldn't do that.
Hey, uh, that was great, Fred.
I just wondered if we could do one more, and this time, um I can't hear a word you're saying.
Spit out the bong water and hold down that damn button! Sorry.
Uh, that was great, but, uh, could we try one more, just a little more up? Up? Uh, yeah, you know, just happier, brighter, chirpy.
You want me to be chirpy? Don't say yes.
Yes! Here's a little trick that I learned: Smile when you talk.
Because when you do that, people can actually hear the smile.
Go ahead, uh, try it.
Yeah, you know, that is very good.
That is a really valuable suggestion.
I'm so surprised I've never heard that once before in my over three decades riding this mic for the likes of Sony Consumer Products, the Nagano Olympics, MCI, Mercedes-Benz, the NFL on CBS, all before you huffed your first can of paint thinner, Spicoli! You know, honestly, we shouldn't feel uncomfortable speaking about adult stuff in front of each other.
You know, when we're at work, we're not father/daughter; we're colleagues.
It's true.
I've discussed my sexual peccadilloes with many a coll.
See? There you go.
I mean, you know, the daughter in me says, "Ew, gross, that's disgusting.
" - Mm-hmm.
- But, you know, the colleague in me says, "You go get yourself some lady business, Simon.
" Oh, how I wish the colleague in you hadn't just said that.
Me, too.
It really creeped me out.
I'm sorry.
But we're not finished! No, but you're finished.
What's wrong? The boy can't pry his lips off the bong long enough - to get the job done.
- Sayonara.
Don't leave! No, I think Sean Connery was definitely the best 007 I ever had sex with.
When I grow up, I want to be you.
Modeling in Paris, building schools in Kenya.
Well, you had that story about the dress you bought that was on sale, but you also had a coupon.
It was against store policy, but I was not going to be denied.
See? You're a rebel.
I am kind of.
Mm-hmm.
What'd you do last night? I bet it was something fabulous.
Last night? Let's see.
Ah, made love with Zachary.
Zachary? My my-my Zachary? But-but, what, Zachary? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
He's delightful.
He's like a naughty pool boy.
I've taken him as a lover.
Wow.
You take lovers like I take extra mints at the Sizzler.
No, Zachary is quite different from the others.
He has the most charming sex face.
I'm-I'm sorry.
The what? Sex face.
You know, orgasm face.
It's Oh, my God, he does not do that! Do it again! Do it again! It's more dreamy.
Oh, my God! Yeah.
Sadly, I must run.
Oh, this was so much fun! We should plan to do it again.
I never plan.
I'm more of a "drop by" girl.
So drop by sometime.
Au revoir.
The design looks great.
They look so happy.
Maybe a little less denture.
Hey.
How'd it go with Helena last night? You guys talk about me? Arrogant much? No, we didn't, actually.
This might surprise you, but Zach Cropper is not the center of the universe.
The late Nana Gert would disagree.
Don't do that! Do what? The face! Don't make that face! You know it's my "O" face, don't you? Oh, don't call it that.
At least Helena called it your "sex face"" which is way less revolting.
So you did talk about me.
Ne, yes.
We did.
We talked about you.
We're friends.
Helena has taken me as a friend, and friends talk about things.
Like your "O" face.
It's pretty great, isn't it? But it didn't start out that way.
My earlier one was, mmm, something less than a triumph.
Oh, confirmed.
It was not a triumph.
It was, like Oh, that's it.
It's come a long way.
Say, does anyone have a cyanide capsule I could borrow? Oh, I might.
So, when are you seeing Helena again? Soon.
When are you seeing Helena again? Sooner.
I'm on "drop by" stat".
So am I.
Sydney.
Hi, girlfriend.
I was not expecting you.
Well, you know, you said to just drop by, so I thought I would just drop by and Oh, Zach's here.
God, I'm so sorry.
Did he did he make the face? Not quite.
This one's a grunter, not a smiler.
A grunter? Someone new? Darling, shall we get breakfast or? Or a very uncomfortable brunch for three? Hi, piglet.
These images hope to capture the romance and tenderness of couples finding love in their golden years.
Oh Gross! Aw Kids are gonna see this! Are we watching The Walking Dead?! Okay, is this about me screwing up the voice-over session? It's not about you, Andrew.
By the way, I talked to Fred.
He's willing to give you another shot.
I have jury duty that day and diarrhea.
That's the spirit.
This is about us.
Look, I understand it might be awkward for you if I date Helena, so I'll never see her again - if that's what you want.
- Good.
That's what I want.
Oh, come on! Really? Listen, you told me I should be out there pursuing people.
She's a person.
Never mind.
Forget it.
I'll end it with us.
You really like her, don't you? Yeah, I do.
I really do.
Even more, I like me when I'm with her.
You're right.
I'm I'm happy for you, honestly.
Cross your heart, hope to die, stick a finger in your eye? Been watching a lot of the Stooges again.
You know there's something truly wrong with you, right? Yeah, big time.
Okay.
Then it's settled.
Away from work, Helena is your girlfriend and my friend Mm-hmm.
but at work Colleagues.
Just business.
Yeah, we're partners who don't let our personal lives intrude.
I'm just glad you're okay with this.
Helena makes me feel young.
Like my old self, when I could out-Zach Zach.
Oh, God.
Zach.
See, this is why the lover thing is so confusing.
Right? I mean, how many are you allowed to take? What are the rules? It's not about the number, Zach.
It's that one of them is my father.
Your boss.
A fact that has not escaped me.
Everyone know a pride can't have two lion kings.
Do you think I should let him be sexually dominant? I think this is a conversation I never wanted to have about my father.
And thank you, by the way, for ruining the memory of my favorite childhood movie.
Oh, hakuna matata.
Look, I just don't want this little comedy of errors to hurt us at work, okay? Or worse, hurt my father.
I do not want to see him get hurt.
Yeah, he does have that new knee.
Emotionally, you jerk.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
Thank you.
Although it's not going to be easy.
I'll never forget the things Helena showed me.
Big Ben Tower of London Beefeaters.
Please tell me you went to England.
No, they're sex acts.
Ew.
Hey, boss.
Hey.
Hey Nice sandwich.
Thank you.
You know, making a great sandwich is a lot like making love.
It takes care, patience and a delicate blend of ingredients.
More than one pickle, the whole thing's ruined.
Funnu should say that.
Um, I-I wanted to talk to you about Helena.
Oh, Helena.
As lovely as a poem.
I believe it was Robert Frost who said, "Two roads diverging "in a yellow wood, and I I took the one less traveled by.
" Yeah.
Turns out it's actually been traveled before.
Quite recently, in fact.
Really? We have something in common, you and I.
Besides great hair? Uh, Fred's here, and he looks angry, so Helena has taken us both as lovers.
So I was thinking, I will deal with that.
Oh.
I see.
Yeah.
So you and Helena are Yeah.
Was it? Transcendent? Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What were you gonna say? Well, not "transcendent"! Holy hell, how can I compete with that? I was feeling like a stud when my knee didn't give out.
Transcendent?! I've got pretty good game, but give a guy a break.
Look, the good news is that there is an adorable term for men in our position.
Yeah.
Bloody rivals.
Eskimo brothers.
Ha ha ha! I'm not ready to be adorable with you just yet.
Look, S-Simon, I-I get that this comes as a bit of a shock, so I just want you to know that as my boss and as my friend, I promise not to steal her away from you.
Oh.
Well, just out of curiosity, what makes you think you could? Hey, you guys, Helena's here for Oh.
So this is happening now.
My transcendent friend Zach here thinks he can steal my little mermaid from me.
Oh! Great.
There goes my second favorite childhood movie.
Just forget it.
I'm gonna finish my sandwich, and I'm not sharing! Boss, boss, let me just No, I got it.
I-I can help you with that.
Geez.
Oh, God, don't make that face! I got it, I got it.
Oh! Oh, God.
No grunting, Dad.
I Oh, God, please! For God's sake, I'm your daughter! No, no grunting! I got it, I got it, I got it Ah! Let her be! This is exactly what I was afraid would happen.
Look, we need to settle this.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know why everyone is so upset.
I enjoy you both, but we're just lovers.
Uh-huh.
I love having sex with you Thank you.
I love having sex with you Bless you.
and I love talking about it with you.
What's the problem? I think you just summed it up pretty well.
Really this just crosses way too many boundaries.
Like a clown car of complications.
Not to mention it violates all the rules of client service.
I thought that I serviced the client pretty well.
So did I, right? You both did Oh, God.
Look, Helena.
I love our friendship I really do but because of it, I know way too many gross things about them.
You know too much about us? Uh, what about Cheryl and your "college lesbian" phase? How about the year you grew pot in Mendocino? That month that you spent stripping at that little place in Reno.
I told you those things in confidence.
And at least two of them - aren't even true.
- You lied to me? I-I thought everyone knew.
I just wanted to seem European, you know? I wanted you to like me.
I do like you.
But you like me, too, right? Of course.
More than me? I already told you that I'm not gonna steal her Will you stop saying that! Guys, enough! Okay, this cannot continue.
No, clearly not.
You're making this all so awkward.
Helena, wait.
Did she show you the Beefeater? Oh, I love it so much.
You can do this.
Is he a monster? Yes.
Are you a professional monster slayer? No, because that's not a thing.
But I believe in you.
Uh, so we got everything from last time.
It was terrific.
All we need right now is the tag, "Musk, do not be afraid" and then we're good.
Any way you want to do it.
Fine.
Laying it down in three, two Musk.
Donut be afraid.
All right, that's a wrap on Fred.
Did he just say, "Donut be afraid?" Yeah.
Yeah, uh, that was terrific.
We just need one more for safety.
Again, it's, "Musk, do not be afraid.
" Any way you want to do it.
All right, fine.
- "Do not be afraid" - Fine.
Take number two.
In three, two Muskdonot be afraid.
All right, then, tail lights on Fred.
Well? Do something.
Uh, yeah, we just need one more, and then we're gonna be good.
No, that was my last take.
There's a black and tan with my name on it.
Good night, rookie.
Oh, no.
He's leaving.
Put those headphones back on.
What was that? You heard me.
No, I didn't.
You forgot to push down the damn button again, you moron.
Oh.
I said, put those headphones back on.
We're not done until say we're done.
Well, look at you.
Tough guy with three inches of soundproof glass between us.
I'd really like to hear you come in this room and say that to my face.
To my face.
Tell my sisters that I love them.
Okay.
Closer.
Now say it.
Well, so much has happened, I forgot what it was that we were gonna No.
Wait.
You put those headphones back on.
You're not done until I say you're done.
Erase my browser history! You're shaking.
Like a young Chihuahua.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
You followed your fear and it brought you here, right into my arms.
That's right.
You passed the test.
You earned my respect.
So all this was just a teachable moment? I was grasping a boy, and now I release a man.
I have only one more thing left to say to you.
Musk.
Do not be afraid.
I'm not anymore.
Then get the hell out of here Mandrew.
Mandrew I-I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that everything got so complicated.
How about from now on we just respect each other's boundaries and we will refocus on your account? Are you sure I'm not complicating things just by standing here in the lobby? Will I be crossing a boundary when I get in the lift? It's not you.
It is us, huh? You know, in Europe, sex is a good thing, you know? Fraternité, egalité, sexualité, ah? But this is America.
We like our sex shameful, the way God intended it to be.
That's why Mormons make love standing up so the Big Guy thinks they're dancing.
I now know things about my daughter I wish I didn't, whether they're true or not.
Mostly not.
It's okay.
But at the end of the day, even though she's my colleague, she'll always be my little girl first.
And I'm her dad.
I like that.
My sexually neutered dad.
No offense.
Some taken.
Not neutered.
And we really hope that you don't, but if you choose to take your accounts elsewhere, we will understand.
And miss all this delicious complication? Not a chance.
You three so delightful.
And so American.
The recording is completely finished.
And your toad-licking lad there grew a pair.
A magnificent pair.
Indeed they are.
Well, hello.
Hello.
In a world where love is blind but only the blind can see, one beautiful woman and one powerful man will unite to change the fate of all mankind.
Really? Tell me more.
What just happened? I've taken her for a lover.
Is it me, or is she actually just a psycho? I wonder if we'll ever see her again or if she's disappeared from our lives like a sexually omnivorous Mary Poppins.
Ruined.
Good job, Stretch.
Mmm.
Wish I could say I always knew you had it in you, but if honesty's the best policy, let's just call this a delightful surprise.
I think that's the nicest thing you almost ever said to me.
Syd, just to satisfy my own curiosity, out of the naughty things you told Helena you didn't do, which is the one that you did? Not answering.
Stripping in Reno.
Can't hear you.
My money's on the pot.
Going to my happy place.
College lesbian phase.
I was young.
Yes! - Don't make the face.
- Sorry.
Ah! Mr.
Melamed, it is such an honor.
My name is Andrew, and I'll be You don't really need to.
Oh, sorry.
Oh Such an honor! Confirmed, it was not a triumph.
It was, like Oh ho ho ho ho! Ee hee hee hee! Oh ha ha ha ha ha! What's wrong with you? Once more, from the top.