The Critic s01e05 Episode Script

1 [Telephone ringing.]
Hello.
(Doris) Jay, it's Doris.
I'm at the morgue.
Could you come down and tell them I'm not dead? They don't believe me.
It stinks.
[Clicks.]
[Yawning.]
[Grunting.]
Hmm.
[Rattling.]
[Chirping.]
Hello, Liz Smith? Jay sherman.
I've got 3 chicks in my apartment.
Yes, they're chickens.
[Tires screeching.]
Ah, adopted master Jay.
I'll tell the cook to break out the sterling silver slop bucket.
Hey, I didn't come here for a free meal, all right? I'm not some dumb college student.
By the way, I brought my laundry.
Could you get those? If I can find a long enough stick.
Hi, dad.
Anything new in the paper today? Oh, usual stuff.
Big type here, little type here.
Uh-oh.
Son, hold very still.
Ow! Did you get the bug? What bug? Jay, what a nice surprise.
Margo! Mmm.
Mmm.
Margo, I've told you a thousand times, don't bring in the lawn gnome.
Oh, it's you, Jay.
I had some important business to take care of.
I'm sorry, master Jay.
Why do they burn so long? Dear God.
Why did you come today? A photographer's coming, and I wanted everything to look pretty.
I'll have you know, mother, my face has graced thousands of t-shirts.
We just can't sell 'em.
Put 'em in that landfill with the alf merchandise.
[Engine whirring.]
Why is a photographer coming today? To take your debutante photos, dear.
Mother, we've been over this a thousand times.
I am not going to be a debutante.
Come.
I want to show you something that will convince you.
[Band playing.]
(Man on t.
V.
) The year is 1953, and what a year it's been.
Audrey hepburn won an academy award for best actress, and Fritz zernike won a nobel prize in physics.
Julius and Ethel Rosenberg got the electric chair.
But even more shocking were the new fashions from the house of dior.
Lovely.
And speaking of lovely, Eleanor wigglesworth came out at New York's grand debutante ball.
This is the part I want you to see.
(Both) Duh! Not only is Eleanor lovely to look at, her dance partners say she's delightful to hold.
I had many partners then, including a young swain named Bob fosse.
[Music playing.]
But as night becomes day, even debutantes need their rest.
[Belching.]
[Whistles.]
And who's this fair maiden? Why, it's f.
B.
I.
Director j.
Edgar hoover, apparently on his way to the annual f.
B.
I.
Costume ball.
Uh-oh.
Don't be late.
Hey, look mom, you and the hoover came out on the same day.
Don't you say that about your Uncle Edgar.
That debutante ball is a wigglesworth tradition.
To starve yourself to fit into a dress, to dance with boys who feel you up, to drink so much you fall into a well.
It's a magical night.
Mother, I'm not going to be a debutante, and you can't make me.
You have no choice! I will not be defied! You're mine! I own you! No more wire hangers! Oh, perhaps I overdid it there.
Jay, you talk to her.
You'll change her mind.
But what if I don't? Then get her to take a bite of this apple.
Hmm.
Oh, Jay, you think I'm right, don't you? Well, sure, but it doesn't matter.
[Grunting.]
Mom will keep pecking at you until you cry Uncle.
(Jay) Uncle! Uncle! Say cheese.
Debutante balls are outdated, elitist and sexist.
You said so yourself in your review of boyz n the hood.
Yeah, I was really off on a tangent that day.
Can't you help me? Please talk to mom.
All right.
[Chuckling.]
I do have a way with women.
Over 60.
Thanks.
Mmm.
You know, of all the things in the world, I love my brother and my horse the most.
If only there was a way I could combine you two.
[Screeching.]
Uh, I think I'll go around.
Well, I better go talk to mom, and see if I can change her mind.
Uh, could you give me some help here? [Grunting.]
[Groaning.]
[Cat yowls.]
(Jay) Sorry, mittens.
God love her, mom, I couldn't change her mind.
But you should be proud.
She has your will.
She may have my will, but she doesn't have my gun.
[Thunder rumbling.]
Look, calm down.
Take some of those pills you got from Dr.
Von bulow.
Mmm, mmm, ah! What are you doing with that gun? It's called parenting.
[Gun fires.]
Not to worry.
Margo, if you don't go to the debutante ball, I'm going to do the rudest thing I've ever done.
I'm going to shoot your horse.
[Gasps.]
You wouldn't! Just watch me.
But going to the ball means violating everything I stand for.
And you think I like shooting animals? I'm begging you, don't.
On the count of 4.
Stop! 1 Jay, do something.
2! Should I jump on the horse and ride it away? It'd be less cruel to shoot it.
3! Wait! [Gun cocking.]
4.
Ok! I'll go.
Oh, darling.
Mmm.
Now, I hope you're not just doing this for me.
(Doris) "Tuchis by surprise"? [Laughing.]
[Laughing.]
Hi, kids! Our friends, rabbit de niro, Burt bacharaccoon, and Robin, the blood-sucking leech, are coming over.
You know what that means.
They'll be comin' up the driveway when they come (all) yee-haw they'll be comin' up the driveway when they come (all) yee-haw you know why nobody watches your show? Because it's intelligent? Well, that's one of your problems.
But I'm really worried about the show you're up against, some kind of a puke-green dog.
It's a hippo.
Hippo? You don't have a prayer, son.
Kids love that guy.
So? Kids don't watch my show.
Well, they did.
Our testing showed you reminded them of the pillsbury doughboy.
[Giggling.]
Don't! I find that so demeaning.
[Giggling.]
Hey, look.
The doughboy and I happen to be ticklish in the same spot, but that doesn't give you the right to [giggling.]
Son, from now on, we fight fire with fire.
I want you to be my hippo.
Look, I'm flattered, but dance for me, Jay, dance! I don't have to dance.
Yes, you do.
It's in your contract.
I believe the contract I signed called for me to "prance.
" You win this round, sherman.
Here's the latest film from the people who brought you Howard's end, an e.
M.
Forster story called the tea cozy.
This film gets my highest rating, 7 out of 10.
I want you to have my tea cozy.
I know it's fallen into disrepair, but you can make it grand again.
Dear Mrs.
dinwiddie, I shall treasure it forever.
Come, tea cozy, find comfort in my bosom one last time.
It's just a ratty old tea cozy.
Oh! Oh! [Groaning.]
What's the devil is a tea cozy? And why aren't you prancing? Don't worry.
I have a big joke coming up.
So run, don't mosey, to the tea cozy.
It really hits the spot.
[Laughing.]
(Duke) Where's the joke? (Man whispering) Sir, we're on the air.
I know we're on air, but where's the joke? Uh, it was more of a bon mot.
See how pretty you look when you smile? And we're not even finished yet.
Oopsie.
I swallowed a pin.
That's going to be a fun little journey.
Now, mama, I need to speak with my client alone, so get out.
Go on, shoo.
Here's the skinny.
We dressmakers have a very strict code, so I need to know, do you deserve to wear virginal white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off-white, what we call a hussy white.
So which will it be, white-white? Yes.
Um Except for the gloves.
[Cars honking.]
What video do you want to rent, dad? Son, how would you feel about renting the 13-hour version of Berlin alexanderplatz? Again? Humphrey's inside.
He's autographing his new rap video, hug da police.
Oh! Now, remember, kids.
You can be anything you want.
Except for a doofus in a hippo costume.
That job's taken.
Hey! It's grumpy old film critic Jay sherman.
(All) Boo! Please, kids, my philosophy is "love and dance," not "hate and not dance.
" Jay, would you like to dance with me? No, I would not like to dance.
You're an insipid walking commercial, and your cereal turned my urine pink.
Well, you have to eat 6 bowls for that to happen.
Yes, yes.
And a gallon of chocolate milk, but that's not the point.
I think America's children are our future, not the opportunity to make a quick buck.
You should be ashamed.
He made Humphrey sad.
Break his thumbs! [All chattering angrily.]
Let's get out of here, son.
Oh, this is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr.
Rogers.
I found a boy to escort our margo to the ball.
His name is reeve winthrop xiv.
And look at this.
Actual blue blood.
He can only receive transfusions from George plimpton and Mrs.
Walter cronkite.
Tell me, reeve, what's 7 times 8? Uh 13? Sharp as a tack.
As I suspected.
All that inbreeding has rendered him an idiot.
I said I'd go, but if I do, I'm going with Jay.
Well, I think reeve's adorable.
And if you won't go to the ball with him, I will.
What about me? I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with, but if you want to, you can come.
Oh, I could've had rubber bands.
A debutante ball? I don't know.
Let me check my calendar.
Oh, Ethel.
What's on the docket for next Friday night? [In a woman's voice.]
That's the night you promised you'd take me to the rainbow room, where we'll dance to the sounds of skip Martin and his orchestra.
You heard the lady, margo.
Skip Martin? [In a woman's voice.]
Yes, skip Martin.
Please, Jay.
I can't get through this without you.
Well, all right.
We'll have fun.
You were quite a looker, Mr.
s.
Thank you, Ethel.
You know that analyst said I should stop doing this.
He's a quack! Right as always, Ethel.
[Slurping.]
More rose petals! More fresh milk! [Mooing.]
[With British accent.]
Suck it in.
Suck it in! There.
The deed is done.
I don't think this is right.
It's fine.
Here's your hat.
Now, get going.
Ow, ow, ow, ow [Cat yowls.]
Sorry, mittens.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Hi, ma.
How do you like the tux? Oh, Jay, you look good enough to bury.
I did this to save my horse's life.
We're all ready to go, dad.
Ho, ho, ho stick out your toe hee, hee, hee stick out your knee [tires screeching.]
I just want everybody to know before I get in that I'm only doing this because I was forced to.
And I want everyone to know before I get in that I had a big Mexican lunch.
Hey, don't worry about it.
I once drove James coco home after a Texas chili cook-off.
Gentlemen, you're probably wondering why I called this board meeting.
How far we've come.
[Piano playing.]
Excuse me, may I have your autograph? Oh, for the 3rd time tonight, I'm not Roger ebert.
I know.
You're Jay sherman, and you're much cuter than Roger ebert.
Wow.
Cuter than Roger ebert? [Purring.]
There, look at that: Skank central station.
[Laughing.]
I guess you'd know, being dork authority.
Oh, man.
That chick just one-upped us.
Let's get drunk fast and not talk to anybody.
Debutantes, please step forward.
I've got to see my niece.
I'll meet you in half an hour under the blue whale.
I'll wear a carnation so you'll know which one is me.
[Laughing.]
Now, before the dancing gets started, I'd like to take a moment to remind everyone what we're here for.
To see those nitro-burning funny cars.
Vroom! Vroom! We're here to help those who have suffered massive head injuries.
[Groaning.]
Debutantes [Pitch pipe playing.]
Well, I think I'm goin' out of my head yes, I think I'm goin' out of my head over you I want you to want me I need you so badly I can't think of anything but you whoop! You know the sound whales make when they're in love? [High-pitched squeaking.]
[Giggling.]
Goin' out of my head cha-cha-cha thank you, girls.
Lovely.
And now, our special guests will go back to the massive head injury fun room.
[Moaning.]
For the rest of you, back to the ball! No, wait.
I have something to say.
Oh, God! Franklin, she'll embarrass us.
[Gagging.]
This whole evening makes me sick.
It's just a tasteless contest to see who can waste the most money.
People are starving outside while you sit here stuffing your faces.
Hmm? The money we spend here tonight could keep this museum open on weekends.
[Static buzz.]
Betty, Veronica, take her out.
Hmm? [Both grunting.]
[Playing rapidly.]
Well, I liked what you said.
I haven't seen such courage since I panned driving miss Daisy.
Oh, you, hush.
[Subserviently.]
Yes, miss Eleanor.
I was looking all over for you.
Ah.
The 3 most important women in my life, my mother, my sister, and you.
Uh uh uh [Imitating Jerry lewis.]
Nice lady.
If you think I'm nice now, come back to my place.
I'd love to, but I kinda have a date.
Don't be silly.
You guys go ahead.
I'll be fine.
Thank you.
[Leering.]
Oh, I hope she'll at least sleep with him before she kills him.
Enjoy your party, dear.
[Moaning.]
Wait here.
I'll be right back.
Yes, yes, yes! Oh, Jay.
You have such beautiful eyes.
Yes, Jay.
But there's a terrible secret that awaits you below my waist.
Ooh, a terrible secret! Well, let's just have a look-see.
Hotchie motchie! You're Humphrey, the hippo! [As humphrey.]
That's my name.
Don't wear it out! [Guffawing.]
But seriously, Jay, I've been attracted to you since I saw you in the video store.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm going to make love with the thing I have the most contempt for in the world.
We are going to make love, aren't we? Oh, lord, please say yes! Yes, Jay.
[Zipper unzipping.]
(Jay) Oh, it's good to get out of these pants! Hey, why so glum, chum? [Sniffling.]
Because not one of those worthless, stuck-up boys asked me to dance.
Look, there's something you should know about me.
I'm not just a limo driver.
I'm also A bartender.
Wow! May I have this dance? [Music playing.]
Do you know the muffin man the muffin man, the muffin man do you know the muffin man who lives on drury Lane? [smacking lips.]
Mmm.
Wow.
It's amazing that a man so inadequate in bed could be so relaxed and unconcerned.
What did you say? You were great, tiger.
[Snoring.]
I forgot what a marvelous dancer you are.
And I forgot to turn the oven off.
Burn, baby, burn.
Hello.
I'm Jay sherman.
Please don't give away the horrifying twist in this week's episode.
Also, don't tell anyone about the James coco chili joke.
I'm pretty ashamed of that one myself.
Thank you, and good night! Jay, you can't end it like that.
You got to leave 'em with a laugh.
I don't feel like laughing.
[Giggling.]
I think you bruised my kidney that time.
[Giggling.]
[Munching.]
[Slurping.]
(Jay) Some celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
Get away, zitface.
[Chattering.]
Shh.