The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e05 Episode Script

Man, I can't thank you
enough, Bill.
I know how crowded
all the carpools are.
I really appreciate
you squeezin' me in.
So, uh, I guess
I'm your first stop, huh?
- Nope. You're it.
- Really, just me?
- Yeah, just you and me.
- Bill! Buddy.
[telephone ringing]
Uh, excuse me.
Probably the wife.
Yeah, honey?
[chuckling]
'Cause it's always you.
Hey, look at all this room, man.
I could probably lie down.
Oh. No, time for my sit-up.
[grunting]
[sighs]
Yeah. Tight.
What do you want me to do,
turn around now and come home?
Well, then get a job!
Do something with your life
instead of layin' around
feelin' sorry for yourself!
Hey, let's play auto bingo.
A sign, a bus
a billboard, a mailman..
I'll tell you what I'll do.
How about if I kill myself, huh?
I can do it, Doris. I'm behind
the wheel. Just say the word.
A ambulance, a policeman..
Alright. Alright then, uh..
Yeah, just, uh,
just go back to bed.
(Bill)
'Yeah. I love you, too.'
Alright. Bye.
Little problem at home?
[sighs]
Same thing every mornin'.
Boy, if I didn't have
a girlfriend on the side
I would kill myself.
(Doris on phone)
'I'm still here.'
So, this baby have, uh,
passenger-side airbags?
Moon over Parma
bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
You know, you buy a house
from someone
you expect the furnace
to be in good workin' order.
I've half a mind
to drag those con artists
back from Florida
and make them fix this.
Oh. That where
your folks are now?
Yeah.
What the hell's all this
global warming
I've been hearin' so much about?
[spraying]
Hey, screw the grandkids!
I'm cold now!
I need some heat today, dammit!
Hey, Lewis. Any good news?
Yeah. I found this really neat
oily stuff to play with.
Drew, your furnace is dead.
Oh, man!
[knocking on door]
Coming.
Gee, I hope it's somebody
who's on fire.
- Oh, hey, Kate.
- Hey, Drew.
Wow, it's freezing in here!
Yeah. Well, the furnace broke.
Oh, so I guess a, uh, snake
couldn't live in a house
this cold, huh?
Gee. What's in the box?
Is it a puppy?
No, but it could eat a puppy.
It Barry's python.
You want it?
No. I just gave a big box
to Goodwill.
What are you doin' with Barry's
snake, why didn't he just
take it with him when
you threw him out of the house?
He hasn't taken
any of his things.
And I just don't want this
slimy, creepy, rat-eating thing
in my house anymore.
You're not runnin' a warehouse.
Have you talked to him
about this?
A few times.
Hey, snakey, snakey. Roll over.
Come on, boy, roll over.
- Lewis, Lewis, it's not gonna..
- Good boy.
[horn blaring]
Oops! I gotta go.
Hey, uh, Oswald, if you're gonna
stick around the house
find a furnace-repair guy,
would you, buddy?
I'll, uh, I'll pay you twice
what you get
for layin' on the couch.
I'd be glad to.
Although today
is the anniversary
of my grandfather's death.
I was gonna go to church.
Oh, I-I'm sorry, man.
I didn't know.
That's much more important.
Gotcha! Ha-ha-ha..
Oh, man! I just got it
the way I liked it.
Now I have to do it
all over again.
- Okay, let's go.
- Alright.
[instrumental music]
Mornin', Angie.
Mimi.
Hey, Drew. So did you see
that game last night?
Man, finally it's everyone
else's team that sucks.
Have you seen the teams playin'
that were in the last place?
They don't even care anymore.
They run out
to the field, "Hey, man.
"Can I borrow your glove?
Well, fly ball to right field.
Oh, God! I can't believe.."
Say, "Hey, Willy."
Mr. Bell wants you
to send this out
for general distribution
right away.
Let's see here. What?
Only one person a call a day?
That's totally unfair!
Blame your little friend Kate.
Some guy she broke up with
has been calling like
20, 30 times a day.
It's wastin'
a lot of people's time.
Oh, that must be Barry.
Look, I don't want everybody
to hate me for passin' this out.
I'm still reelin'
from that facial-hair memo.
I didn't know
Menachem was Hasidic.
- Was this your idea?
- Maybe.
Has anyone ever tested
your makeup for lead?
[chuckles]
You know, Mr. Carey,
and I am not speaking
as your boss's
personal assistant now
but as your enemy
bite me.
Yeah, yeah, one of these days
I'm gonna bite you
I'm gonna get very, very sick.
Hello, Lasandra,
please send Kate O'Brien
from Cosmetics up here, please.
Thank you.
If it helps,
here is your daily cartoon fax.
Oh, man. Who keeps sending me
these things?
They aren't even funny.
[laughing]
Hey, this is great!
- It's a caterpillar, see?
- Mm-hmm.
He's tryin' to make it with this
crinkle-cut French fry.
[laughs]
See, "Hey, cut it out.
I'm a French Fry."
[laughing]
It's hilarious.
Here. I'll tell you what?
Why don't you put this at
the bottom of the stupid memo?
Maybe it'll cheer people up,
you know
like puttin' a smiley face
on a subpoena.
Hey, Angie. Hey, handsome.
Don't you "Hey, Angie" me.
Why didn't you tell me that
Barry was botherin' you at work?
Because I wanted
to handle it myself.
I can't believe
anyone bothered you with this.
Bothered me,
I had to send out a memo
limiting personal phone calls
for the entire store!
I mean, you gotta put a stop
to this.
Okay. That's it.
I'm callin' Barry right now.
You know, uh, this will have
to be your one personal call.
Barry, it's Kate.
Oh, shut up.
I shouldn't bother you at work!
Look, you can't keep
calling me anymore.
It's over! No, I want you
to pick up your stuff.
And if you don't stop this,
I'm getting a nuisance warrant.
Is that a threat?
- Oh, aren't you a big man?
- Give me that phone.
Listen, Barry, if Kate says
it's over, it's over.
Now, get your stuff out
of her house by tomorrow night.
And if you ever
threaten her again
you're in big trouble, mister.
Yeah. Never mind who this is.
Yeah, yeah, it's Oswald.
Bye!
Barry just can't let go, Drew.
I mean, sometimes he yells
sometime he cries.
It's really scary.
I mean, how do you tell who
you're getting involved with?
Well, here's a clue.
If his tires
are higher than this
and his tattoo of Satan smokin'
a cigar is lower than this..
he's not for you.
Yeah, but that could be anybody.
You know, uh, I'm gonna be
at your house tomorrow
when Barry comes over.
You know, just to make sure
you're safe.
You don't have to do that, Drew.
Yeah,
neither do Oswald and Lewis.
But I'm gonna make sure
they get there first.
[Kate sighs]
[telephone ringing]
- Yes, Mr. Bell.
- 'Afraid we have a problem.'
(Bell on phone)
'Carey.'
If-if it's about
the-the employee phone use, sir
it's already been taken care of.
(Bell)
'Yes, actually, I was calling
about the cartoon'
'you put on the memo.'
- 'Very amusing.'
- Thank you, sir.
You know, I have another one
with a, uh, turtle
in an army helmet,
it's a whole different thing.
(Bell)
'I-I-I don't think so, Carey,
we've received'
'very strong complaint
on the first one.'
'Look, there's a time
and a place for everything.'
'And funny or not, uh, this is
gonna have to go in your file.'
My file?
But that's totally unfair!
I mean, it was just
a harmless, stupid little memo.
I was just tryin'
to boost employee morale.
You know,
who could be offended by that?
(Bell)
'Someone who considers
it sexually explicit material.'
'And I'm afraid
she wants to remain anonymous.'
- She?
- 'Yeah.'
Look, this is totally unfair.
Can I just talk to
her? Maybe I can explain a lit..
[busy tone]
Okay. Who's the rat?
[taps]
Oh. Of course.
So, uh, Mimi..
You funny-little,
sunny-little Mimi.
How did you like that,
uh, cartoon I put in
this morning's memo, huh?
Did you like it?
I loved it.
I put it on my file cabinet.
Right next to the picture
of you with spit on it.
So you didn't bust me on it
with Mr. Bell?
You got busted
on that little cartoon?
Ah. This is beautiful.
Hey, I'm in enough trouble
with Mr. Bell.
I'm hangin' by a thread here.
Well, then you better be
nice to me or I won't
tell you that when you hung up,
Mr. Bell said
he wanted to see you
in his office right away.
What? Why didn't you tell me?
[door opens]
(Bell)
'Carey! What the hell are you..'
'What do you want?'
[laughing]
[chuckles]
Hey, you got me there.
[Mimi laughing]
Uh, you big sack of..
[instrumental music]
Alright.
I wrote a new memo.
Tell me what you think.
"To all employees,
from Drew Carey
"assistant director
of Personnel.
"As of tomorrow, all employees
will be requested
"to bring
their sense of humor to work.
"This replaces
the current practice
"of shoving a stick
up your butt!
Thank you."
It's very healthy
you can let it go, Drew.
Man, are you whacked out!
Of course I'm whacked out!
Why does one uptight person get
to ruin it for everybody else?
Lot of people in the office love
that cartoon.
"Hey, Drew, love the cartoon.
"Hey, I had French fries at
lunch. I thought of you, buddy.
Drew, I loved your cartoon.
I-I can walk again.."
[Oswald chuckles]
Hey, Drew, Oswald. Hey, Lewis.
How are you doin', space cadet?
Just fine, you stupid,
fat, slob, biker-dude.
[laughs]
State your business, Jules,
or I'm calling the ATF.
We need a small favor, Drew.
We gave, um, your name
as a job reference.
- Oh, man! Why me?
- We knew your number.
Oh, man. Alright.
What did I hire you for?
Interior decorator.
I worked for you for ten years.
I'm currently makin'
75,000 a year.
Yeah. I love what you do
with your outhouse.
Oh, uh, one other thing.
Would you mind answerin' your
phone Drew Corp. for a while?
- Out!
- Boy!
I thought
faxing you those cartoons
would put you in a better mood.
What? That was you?
Don't thank me, Drew.
I'm just bein' a good neighbor.
You know, you have neighbors
on the other side, too.
Well, yeah.
But they don't like us.
No, no, don't anyone help me
with this incredibly heavy box,
thank you.
Hey, she was talkin' to you.
Oh! I'm sorry.
- What you got there, Kate?
- Barry's stuff.
There's been
a small change in plans.
I told Barry
to come here tomorrow night.
What? Why is he comin'
to my house?
I didn't break up with him.
You can't take up
domestic disturbance on the road
like some kind of
psycho carnival.
I'm really sorry, Drew,
but I need neutral turf.
Well, I don't want him
in my house again.
Yeah, you don't want him in
your house 'cause now he's mad
and he's gonna start
bustin' up stuff.
What if you forgot
some of his things?
He's gonna go nuts
if he thinks you were stealing.
I'll say.
Did you get his leather jacket?
I always pictured myself
in that.
Hey, you're not getting
anything.
I'm the one he treated like crap
and I deserve
a few of the lousy things
I kept.
He won't miss anything anyway.
Well, maybe his insulin.
Man, are you askin' for trouble.
You know he's just gonna take it
out on Drew and his house.
What if the guy goes berserk and
breaks one of Drew's hummels?
Yeah. What if he breaks
both my hummels?
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Fifteen years at
Winfred-Lowders, very impressive
Mary, no black marks,
no customer complaints.
I'm sorry, Mr. Carey,
but can you tell me
exactly why I'm here?
I'm just havin'
a friendly little chat with all
the associates, you know,
just to make sure that
management doesn't become this
anonymous authority figure
represented by a bunch of memos.
Like this one for example.
Do you find thisoffensive?
- Mary?
- No.
How about, uh,
outrageous, abusive
shameful or humiliating?
Just askin'.
- Are we done?
- Yeah.
Thanks for stopping by,
and keep up the good work.
Alright. It's not Mary.
- Drew?
- Oh, I'll find her, Kate.
If I have to terrorize
every nice, little old lady
in the store, I'll find her.
Well, since you're
on the subject of insane
obsessive behavior,
Barry called again.
Oh, great. What did he say?
Well, you know what guys say.
He can't live without me,
he can't sleep
he's hearing voices,
you're the devil.
All that stuff.
Do most guys think I'm
the devil? 'Cause, you know..
That's not the feedback
I've been gettin'
from my winged monkeys.
I'm really sorry, Drew, I just
wanted to prepare you
for tonight.
Oh! How did I
get myself into this?
Yeah, but a better question
is how did you get me into this?
You know, sometimes I think you
do this stuff to me on purpose.
Did you find this cartoon
offensive?
Drew, I've seen
your secret shelf.
I don't find anything offensive.
- Kate. Paycheck.
- Nora.
- 'Thanks.'
- Drew.
Hey, you're the most
popular person
in the store, I'll bet.
Passin' out the cash.
Hey, fellows, look who's here.
Feed me.
Ha-ha-ha..
Hey, you'll never guess
what happened to me today.
No. What?
Some uptight,
humorless killjoy got me
in trouble with Mr. Bell for
hangin' up this silly cartoon.
She didn't even have the decency
to tell me to my face.
Can you believe that?
- Happens.
- Yeah, I guess.
So are you just gonna
leave it up like that?
[scoffs]
Hell, yes!
It's my right as a citizen
of this great country
to put up
whatever stupid garbage I want.
I look at the wall of my cubicle
and I say, "Why not?"
I was just thinking
that someone might see it
and be bothered by it.
[scoffs]
Yeah. Like, who?
Nora..
Not you?
Look, I don't wanna
get into this.
That cartoon is offensive
and hostile to women.
I think you should take it down.
[laughing]
It's a caterpillar
and a French fry.
Not to everyone.
You know, you could have
just told me, "Drew
"I didn't appreciate
this hysterically funny cartoon.
"So please don't send me
anymore of your selfless
and inspirational attempts
to brighten my day."
You didn't have to go
to Mr. Bell about it.
I can do what I want.
It's a free country.
Yeah, not with people
like you around, it's not.
Drew. Drew, please. Don't worry.
Nora, can we talk
woman to woman?
'Cause I'm sensitive
to the anguish you're feeling
my sister.
I've known Drew a long time
and I'm sure
he didn't mean anything by this.
Oh, sure,
stick up for your friend.
Everybody knows
howyougot this job.
Why shouldn't I stick up
for him, you tight-lipped priss?
Next think you know,
you're gonna sue him
for creating
a hostile workplace.
- Uh, Kate.
- No, no. Let me finish.
Go ahead,
make a federal case out of it.
You think anyone's gonna care?
Oh, the caterpillar and
the French fry are having sex!
Oh, I'm so ashamed!
You know what..
- You know what I think?
- Don't say it, Kate.
I think you're not getting any,
and that's your real problem!
Oh, good.
You found a nice way to put it.
I don't have to take this. Oh.
Well, that just about
takes care of my job.
Don't worry, Drew. Who's gonna
side with that loose cannon?
Oh, man,
I can't believe it was Nora.
I always thought she was
one of those quiet little people
that never make any trouble.
It's always the quiet ones,
Kate.
(Kate)
'Yeah.'
Drew, ya stupid idiot!
Your collating is all backwards.
Unless it's the loud ones.
[instrumental music]
I just called Barry's
and there's no answer.
So he must be on his way over.
Yeah, he'll probably be a while,
hard to find a place
that sells ammo and beer.
[telephone ringing]
Oh, I should've never agreed
to this.
If it's Barry,
we can pretend we're not here.
No, not that.
Drew Corp.
Jules Lambermont?
Yeah. Good man.
Well, I like an interior
decorator who has a little edge.
Yeah. Yeah, that was the salary.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I'd have paid him more,
but, you know, I had that
Appalachian family finishin' up
my tea garden.
Yeah. No problem. Yeah. Bye.
This is drivin' me nuts!
[sighs]
Oh, great. So we're both nuts.
Well, relax, Kates.
I got a plan.
I'm gonna hold him
off of my face
until Oswald and Lewis get here.
It's just I've been
dreading this for months
and now that it's finally here,
I just wanna run out.
I hate that he can still
do this to me.
Ah, don't worry, Kate.
Nobody can touch you here.
[knocking on door]
Oh, I hope that's the guys.
I can't hold my gut in
much longer.
Kate here?
Yeah. Come in.
Barry.
Kate.
Haven't seen you
in a while, Barr.
You're a lot bigger
than I remember.
Your stuff's all here.
Take it and go.
Can we talk about this?
- Could you excuse us, Drew?
- Yeah, I'd like to, Barr.
I really would, but I don't,
I don't think Kate wants me to.
Kate?
There's nothing else to talk
about.
Anything you have to say
you can say in front of Drew.
I was a complete ass.
I'm beggin' you to come back.
You're really gonna do this
in front of me? Cool.
Kate, can we talk outside?
No! This has to stop!
It's scaring me.
I don't wanna
hear from you again!
What, is there somebody else?
Yeah. There's Drew!
[chuckles]
How, uh, how good are you
at gettin' sarcasm, Barry?
Quit playin' with me! You're
gonna listen to me, dammit!
Hey! I'm still payin'
on the place, man.
You don't come
into some stranger's house
and start slammin' stuff around.
So just buck up and go, okay?
You know what I wish?
I wish I had
the personal self-restraint
not to wanna kill you right now.
You know what I wish, I-I wish
my friends were here to
see you try.
Yeah, I really wish that a lot.
- Leave, so I can talk to Kate.
- Oh, yeah? Make me.
- You're not hearing me.
- No, you're not hearin' me.
I only look like the kind of guy
who took crap from guys like you
in high school, actually,
I was a berserker in glasses
who almost got myself killed
a couple of times
fightin' any lunatic
who came along.
I never took anything
off anybody!
I especially don't take it
now that my friends
are finally here,
standing behind you at the door!
Would you guys buy a watch?
Come on, Kate.
You know you're gonna come back
to me eventually.
You know what? You're pathetic!
We are so over that I don't even
wanna be reminded of you.
Here. This is yours!
You know..
you don't wanna be reminded
of Kate.
Uh, you, you think about that.
Why don't you guys, uh, take
Barry's boxes out to his truck?
I call shotgun.
Oh. We're not goin'
anywhere, are we?
No.
- Thanks, Drew.
- Holy crap!
You know what almost
just happened here?
I-I haven't had
an adrenaline rush
like that since I was 16.
And next time, pick somebody
a little more stable, would you?
Like a travelling clown
or a mercenary or somethin'.
[chuckling]
You were very cool, though.
You remember Steven Seagal
in "Under Siege?"
Yeah.
- Nothin' like him, huh?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
[instrumental music]
[Drew humming]
Hey, Kate. What do you think?
I think you're one step away
from living in a car
with messages painted
all over it.
It's our last shred
of dignity, Kate.
It's the freedom of speech
accorded to us
by the First Amendment
which will be tacked up
right over here
with some candles and a small,
but tasteful Weeping Willy doll.
He really pees.
Having fun, kids?
- Hey, aren't you Mimi Bobeck?
- Drew, Drew!
Someone here to see Drew.
Oh, you must be my 9:30.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I just got carried away
decoratin' my office.
Hey, it's okay.
Later, Drew.
Thanks again for last night.
Hey, you already got the job.
Why don't you relax?
Thank you, Mimi.
You better hurry home.
The sun's goin' down.
Wait a minute.
That doesn't make any sense.
Vampires don't die
unless the sun comes up.
Dammit!
So, uh, have a seat. That's
quite a resume you have here.
What's the matter,
can't hold a job?
[laughing]
Alright. Let's see
what we have here.
What's this? "State of Ohio."
What is this?
Actually, it's a lawsuit.
I'm a process server.
- You're being sued.
- By who?
It should all be there
on the first page.
"Let the defendant be known
by these..
Nora O'Dougherty?
Creating a hostile workplace?"
Sorry.
[laughing]
Great cartoon.
[laughing]
Sexist pig!
[instrumental music]
You're not gonna
believe this, Drew.
You know that new woman
you've been staring at
in Cosmetics?
She wanted me to give you
her phone number.
Finally. Starin' at a woman
and not saying anything worked.
She's having a hot tub party
tonight and she wants you
to call her right away
if you wanna go.
Well, I don't know.
Where's the phone?
- Heh-heh.
- 'Drew!'
Don't use your
one personal phone call.
Your mom blacked out at church.
She's in the hospital.
- Here's the number. Call her.
- Oh, man! You're kiddin' me.
Uh, hello, mom. It's-it's Drew.
Are you alright?
Uh, wow!
Well, I'm sure
the tests will turn out fine.
Well, listen,
while I got you on the phone
can you dial 5-5-5-0-7-1-3
and tell Amy
I'm wearin' my one-piece?
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]