The Duchess (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

Go down, go down, go down, yeah ♪
Let me see you go to town, yeah ♪
Go down, go down, go down, yeah ♪
Let me see you go to town ♪
Go down, go down, go down, yeah ♪
Let me see you go to town, yeah ♪
Go down, go down, go down, yeah, yeah ♪
If you're down, boy, really down ♪
Baby, let me watch you go to town ♪
It's your one chance, baby
Never or now, yeah ♪
Let me see you go to town, baby ♪
Go to town, yeah ♪
Baby, let me watch you go to town ♪
It's your one chance, baby
Never or now, yeah ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Go down, go down, go down ♪
It's unsettling, having you
hanging around here like a bat.
Well, if Cheryl was turning up
in your life with Shep's cum,
you'd be maximizing
your chances of success, too.
It's the only way to make it stop.
Why do you do it every day?
You know you can only get pregnant
two days every month.
What?
Have you been tracking your cycle?
Do you even know when you ovulate?
No, I don't know when I ovulate.
What the hell?
Why have they told us since high school
we can get knocked up anytime?
Not where I studied.
They'd say, "Remember, girls,
your mouth can't get pregnant."
Did you go to school in an Usher video?
So the good news is
we don't know if it's worked yet.
Which means there might still be time
to back out.
Why would I wanna back out?
Don't you think it's odd that Cheryl's
so keen with these spunk deliveries?
They're a newly-engaged couple,
they're at it a lot. Whatever.
I've got a bad feeling.
I think Cheryl
might be trying to Handmaid's Tale you.
No.
Ooh, we love The Handmaid's Tale,
Brian and me.
I mean, it makes sense.
She obviously can't have children.
Just because a woman doesn't have children
doesn't mean
she can't have children, Jane.
Right, sorry.
Olive, Millie's mum's waiting for her.
Hurry up!
No, it's fine. I'm not in any rush.
What kind of woman encourages
her man's ex to have a baby with him
unless she's tryin' to steal it?
Can they do that?
What's she do for work?
CEO of a shipping company.
Trafficking?
How rich we talkin'?
The system does favor the wealthy.
Swimming pool rich.
[inhales sharply]
Oh, God! After all my years of hustling,
I finally land a sugar mama.
Don't take her away from me.
That's what you'll be saying
in the delivery room
when she makes off with your kid.
You're her surrogate.
Just to be safe,
get on that exercise bike and you ride.
What's that gonna do?
Just a little gem I picked up
from my high school days.
Catholics know how to get out of a jam.
Ooh. [mumbles] Sorry.
Go as fast as you can
for as long as you can
and that should help you graduate.
So spin class is just women
trying to ethically shake out cum?
You've lived a sheltered life.
I am being Handmaid's Tale-d?
[dramatic classical music plays]
[dog sneezes]
[dramatic music continues throughout]
[dramatic music continues]
Here's my flower girl!
I am delighted to see you.
Come on up!
Let's try on some dresses!
[dramatic classical music continues]
[music fades]
- There you go.
- Thanks.
[radio plays]
- Hey, bro. My lady made me an appointment.
- Certainly, sir. What's the name?
Ron Mexico.
[whispers] It's an alias.
Okay, Mr. Mexico.
If you just fill out these new patient
forms and take a seat over there.
- [Shep scoffs]
- [ballad plays on radio]
Love this tune.
- [ballad continues]
- [sings] Cos I can't make you love me ♪
If you don't ♪
[Evan sniffs]
[Evan groans]
[Evan exhales]
[woman] Mr. Mexico?
[woman] Is there a Ron Mexico?
Oh, yeah.
That's my alias. [grunts]
Hi, Mr. Mexico.
I'm Sandra.
I'll be cleaning your teeth today.
[Shep groans] Wait a minute.
I see what this is.
[scoffs] My stag do.
- I beg your pardon?
- [laughs] Cheryl. What a minx.
Wow. You are a top-shelf booking.
- Where do you keep the pole, honey?
- Mr. Mexico, are you here for a cleaning
or do you want a whole new set of teeth?
Listen.
I'm trying to stop
seeing strippers, but
you [sighs] ..are not making it easy.
- Mate
- What are you doing here?
Hey, dog-walker boyfriend!
You're a dentist too. Very cool.
- Sandra, could you give us a minute?
- Yeah.
Next time, babe. [clicks tongue]
- What do you want now?
- Nothing much, boss.
My lady sent me in for a surprise
lap dance before the wedding, but, er
Nah, I'm not into her.
What? Your wedding to who?
My ex not give you the good news?
I'm getting married, brother!
To Cheryl. Love of my life.
Hey, it'd be great to see you there
with the big bad wolf.
Katherine and I are obviously finished
after what you told me about the sex.
How could I trust her?
You can't. She's the fucking Antichrist.
Take it or leave it.
I don't like it when you call her names.
[Shep laughs]
See?
You love her!
[Shep tuts] Well, nice talking to ya.
The shirt suits ya.
- Something for you.
- Oh, um
No, you don't have to keep
giving me Shep's, er, stuff, Cheryl,
because I have geriatric eggs,
so it's probably a lost cause anyway.
[tutting] I am in this
for as long as it takes, hmm?
Well, the The thing is, Cher
[women] Oh!
[Cheryl] So grown up!
Like a princess!
Olive, that is gorgeous on you.
You look like a mini bride.
No, you don't. You look like
a nine-year-old child in a dress.
- Is this your wedding day or mine?
- [women giggle]
It'll be yours, 'cause she's nine
and the groom is her father.
Look, Mum. You said high heels
didn't exist in my size, but they do!
[forced] Yay.
Cher? On the day,
we should do ringlets on her.
- Bit of lippy?
- [Olive] Yeah!
On the day Prince George becomes king
or on a day while she's nine?
Oh, makeup for a special occasion
won't hurt.
I might hurt you, Lorraine.
Olive, who's Osama Bin Laden?
What? I don't know.
No, you don't, because he was captured
before she was born.
Please, Mum, I just want to look pretty.
You do look pretty, as you are.
There's just no reason to paint you up
like you're about to inherit a caravan.
Look, there's no need to get upset.
There is a need, CherBear, and that is
you don't dress a child like an adult
and you don't romanticize their virginity
and Olive has about five minutes left
of being a kid
and you can marry my ex all you want,
but you are not taking my babies!
Listen, babe,
I know it's all been a little bit much,
but don't worry, I'm not offended.
We've done the dress now, Olive.
Get changed. It's time to go.
- [chatter]
- [Olive] Come on, Mum.
Look, can we stay and ride it, please?
- You're going on a party bike?
- Don't feel pressured.
I appreciate you staying for the fitting,
but, um, I know you had to get home?
[dramatic music plays]
[Katherine pants]
[woman] Cheers!
Whoo! All right, girls,
let's go for another hard interval.
Whoo!
You know, none of this would be happening
if you'd just started a family with Evan
like any normal human woman would do.
No! If one of my kids
is gonna have a shit dad,
both my kids are getting a shit dad.
Well, let's hope the big bike ride worked,
otherwise you've fucked your mascara
for nothing.
Sure you don't mind taking Olive
while I handle this?
Nah, she'll be a big help
while I do my errands.
Last time I took the boys with me
to a Morrisons,
Connor took a giant shit
in the bread aisle.
[Katherine] Bye, honey. Love ya.
Hey, bitch tits.
[quietly] Jesus.
- Where's the kid?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
Kinda, yeah. We should never meet
without witnesses.
You sick fuck.
I know what you've been trying to do.
I'm trying to do three things
at the minute and you couldn't name one.
Trying to be chosen as a passenger
on the first commercial flight to Mars.
Lucky guess. Name another.
You and your rich wife
have been trying to get me pregnant
so you can steal my kids
and keep them for yourselves.
Why would I do that?
I can see Olive whenever I want and you
basically babysit her all week for free.
Nah, Cheryl wants them, trust me.
Cheryl wants to go traveling,
and definitely not with a baby.
Well, what's wrong with her, then?
No one's that nice without a motive.
Yes, they are.
People are nice.
That's what me calling you a prick over
the last ten years has been all about.
You're not nice, like people.
I've been watching The Handmaid's Tale.
Oh, and you thought it was all about you.
Every time you see a film or TV show,
- you think it's about you.
- No, I don't.
When you saw The Empire Strikes Back
My father's identity
was a huge shock to me.
- You know that.
- Philadelphia?
I had a genuine chest cold
for three weeks that time.
You're not the center of the world.
If Cheryl wanted a baby,
which she doesn't,
she'd pay a surrogate
with a college education.
Not pick a former Hooters waitress
with a cold heart and a fat arse.
Really?
[inhales slowly]
Really.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'm in the middle of a game.
Okay.
And you can't play chess against yourself.
[Shep shouts] I fucking can!
I have the ability
to mentally detach from my opponent
to play as two separate characters!
[exhales]
We'll show her.
- [Olive] Can we go home now?
- [Katherine] Let's go to lunch.
I've already had ice cream.
- Can Millie come over?
- No, I want to hang out with you.
You don't hold my hand anymore?
Your hand is hot.
[scoffs] I have held your hand
covered in slime, sand, sugar,
yogurt, ketchup, chocolate,
poop, chocolate that might have been poop.
All of a sudden, you won't hold my hand?
Fine then.
What's this?
Olive I don't want your pity hand.
Consent is not the same as enthusiasm.
Remember that.
Mummy, are you cross about my stepmum?
No. I didn't have you
so you'd belong to me forever.
I had you hoping you would grow
to be your own person,
and you'd love lots of people
and they would love you.
The dogs are for me.
- [chatter and laughter]
- [girl] Hey, Olive.
- Hey.
- Hi.
We were just shopping with my mum
and, look, we got matching chokers.
Lovely. I'm
out getting a haircut.
[girl] You are? How short?
- Pretty short. I need a change.
- [girl] Awesome. Can't wait to see it.
[all] Bye.
You're getting a what now?
I saw their chokers and I panicked.
Oh, thank God I never took any interest
in the delicate science of being popular.
So you want to get your hair cut?
I do. I want it cut to my shoulders.
Am I allowed?
- Of course. It's your hair.
- Amazing!
And can I dye it pink?
Let's cut it.
I want to go to that new place,
with the cars!
Okay, let's see if they have a walk-in.
Come on.
[bell dings]
Hello. Have you got any availability
for a haircut?
[woman] Yeah, babe!
My appointment didn't turn up,
so I can do it for you now if you like.
Yay. I know which one I want to sit in.
[woman] Er, no.
You're a big girl. Follow me.
I've made a lovely grown-up bit back here.
You can get your nails painted
and listen to Ariana Grande.
No, I'd rather sit in the pink car.
But those chairs are for babies.
You're no baby.
- You're a big girl.
- Those chairs are not for babies.
Babies can't drive, so that's insane.
That's an insane thing to say.
All right. [scoffs]
You can sit where you like.
[woman] So,
what are we having today, then?
Um, I'd like my hair cut to my shoulders.
- Is that all right with you, Mum?
- Of course. It's not my hair.
Got it.
Is this your baby hair?
Aww.
[woman] Right.
Are you ready?
[gentle piano music plays]
- Whoa.
- [woman giggles]
[mouths]
I'm falling down a wishing well ♪
I've tried my luck but now I've failed ♪
It seems to be so easy ♪
To be free ♪
I can't stay long ♪
I've got to run ♪
And find my future ♪
In the sun ♪
I've lost this time ♪
From running too fast ♪
Stop, stop ♪
Remember who you are ♪
Stop ♪
I just have to take a phone call outside.
There's more to life than fancy cars ♪
And diamond rings and other things ♪
Don't dress it up ♪
[Katherine sniffs]
[sobs]
[crying] Hello?
Yeah. I just I need you.
[sobs] I'm in the village
at the hair salon with Olive, and
she wanted to get in this car,
and there's a woman there,
this awful, stupid woman,
and she just wanted to play.
[sobs]
Yeah.
I wanna wake up where you are ♪
So why don't you slide? ♪
Ooh, slide ♪
Oh, my ♪
Do you wanna get married or run away? ♪
I wanna wake up where you are ♪
Hey. What's the matter? Where's Olive?
Did something happen?
- She wanted to get in this car.
- What car?
- No
- [pants] Huh?
She's in there, getting a haircut.
She put her little hands on this wheel
and I could tell, by the look on her face,
it was for the last time.
This tacky cunt made her feel
self-conscious for wanting to pretend
and she was so embarrassed,
and I could just tell, like, the innocence
drained out of her now and it's gone.
She just wanted to play.
And there are so many things
she'll never do again.
- [Evan sighs]
- She's changing and I can't stop it.
And I'm trying to be brave like she is
and I want to change, too. I
I want to be with you.
I want to change because I need you.
That's the first time
you've ever said you needed me.
Thanks for running here.
[he sighs]
As long as the whole Shep thing
is definitely out the window?
- Yeah, definitely out the window.
- Promise?
Yeah, I love you, I promise.
Okay. I love you, too.
I've already told the office
I had a family emergency.
Oh, well, I might have, like,
been over-dramatic. Sorry.
No, no. This is an emergency
and you are my family.
You left her with a, what did you say,
tacky cunt?
- Is that what you said?
- Yeah.
Come on.
[woman] There you go.
[door opens]
Gal.
I was frightened at first,
but I'm glad I went for it.
That was very brave.
Oh, hey, Evan. Yeah, thanks.
Sometimes, you just need a change.
[exhales slowly]
[melodic pop music plays]
Ooh ♪
Ooh ♪
Ooh ♪
Ooh ♪
Sometimes a mystery ♪
Sometimes I'm free ♪
Depending on my mood
Or my attitude ♪
Sometimes I wanna roll
Or stay at home ♪
[music fades]
Oh, here you are. Why are you up so early?
I don't know. I woke up starving.
You want some?
Pepper and grapefruit? That's weird.
- No, it's not. It's so good.
- [Evan and Olive] Hi.
I haven't even thought of eating this
in ten years.
Oh, fuck.
Closer to me, baby, I won't bite ♪
You look so tasty but I won't bite ♪
Really I'm such a good kitty
Don't put up fights ♪
But if you trick me, baby
It gon' get sticky ♪
I might ♪
I might just
Bite ♪
I might just
I might ♪
I might just
Bite ♪
I might just bite
I might ♪