The Durrells (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

However long you stare at it, they're still coming.
It might be nice to have some visitors.
No, it won't.
Let's make it horrible for them, so they don't stay long.
It's already horrible.
Gerry's turned this house into a zoo.
No other family has to walk a pelican! God, what are they doing? They're arriving this afternoon! - We don't have enough bedrooms.
- We haven't got enough anything.
And yet you seem untypically relaxed.
Yes.
Why are you so happy? Oh, darling, because at my age, nothing and no-one unsettles me.
Oh, do clean and tidy up, though.
Aunt Hermione can be a bit of a thug.
- I can't.
I'm writing.
- Busy day at work.
- Shooting.
So, when are we going to tell the world about us? - What about us? - Well, that we're an item, Sven, as we British so romantically call it.
I think we should wait until your relatives have gone, so I don't have to be part of this circus.
God, no, I didn't mean tell THEM.
Aunt Hermione has a history of meddling.
She's like a Medici tyrant.
- Oh, I'd like to meet her.
- Oh I know what they're going to complain about -- no electricity.
Did Adam and Eve have electricity in paradise? You know this is paradise -- on a good day.
And I know.
But will they? Kalimera, Mrs Durrells! Ah, kalimera, Spiro.
Maybe you can help me.
I need a cheap generator.
What's wrong with candles? It's a soft light, reduces the ugliness.
- We have guests coming from England.
- More British people! Swell! - Yes, I'll find you a generator.
- What would we do without you, Spiro? - It doesn't bear thinking about.
- It doesn't.
Mrs Durrells? Why are you so happy? Do you remember when we first met and you said you hated all those Brit exiles sipping G&Ts? Well, you'd better steer clear of my house for a while! Anyway, deep breath, Sven and I are - What What's happened? - Nothing.
But your eyes are all red.
Well, why not? Green's not bringing me much luck.
Oh I, erm I thought I was pregnant and I'm not.
Oh, Florence! - How long have you been trying? - 11 years and five months.
I don't think it's going to happen.
Well, think of the fun you've had trying.
Anyway, so, yes, you and Sven Don't tell anyone, but, well, we've kissed, and a bit more.
I think it's serious.
I just don't want anything to ruin it.
Oh, hello.
She's there! Please be nice to us.
Aunt Hermione! Welcome! Good afternoon, Louisa.
And Cousin Prue! And Geoffrey! Oh, what an absolute pleasure.
If I have to sit and look out of another window, I'll scream.
- You must be exhausted.
- No.
I'M exhausted.
That's the thing about your foreigner.
He's exhausting.
Well, my foreigner friend Spiro is going to drive us home.
- Unless you'd prefer a guest house.
- Ridiculous! There's one more.
- Nancy! - Surprise! - Oh! - How's Larry? Well, all the better for seeing you, I'm sure! Well, erm, this way! - Hairete.
- Hello.
- Oh, what rough hands you have.
- Huh? It's from Little Red Riding Hood.
Mm, that isn't.
We mustn't.
We'll get into trouble.
I think about you very much.
Oh.
Well, in that case An immoderate volume of creatures.
Yes.
Gerry collects them.
And we won the turkeys in a court case.
Animals are walking germ dispensers.
Are they safe? Mostly.
- Larry, darling, put her down.
- Don't mind us.
I hear you aspire to being a writer, Lawrence.
More than aspire.
He's just waiting for the publisher to confirm that he's going to put his novel out.
He'd tell you himself if he wasn't doing that.
This is Lugaretzia.
She helps us out occasionally.
She's lovely.
Margo, darling, tell everybody about your job.
I'm companion to the Countess Mavrodaki.
That will hardly stretch your mind.
Ooh, and Leslie Well, he's gone.
Larry, for God's sake, take her upstairs.
The question is, Louisa, why are you all still here rather than in England? - Because we like it here.
- Hm - Where's Gerald? - Gerald is very interested in natural history.
It's a science, so he is gathering - Was that a donkey? - .
.
research material.
Your foreigner loves a donkey! Hello.
I hate wildlife.
What is that noise? Larry stubbing his toe.
Oh, no.
Now Nancy's stubbed hers! They're married.
Why don't they share a bloody bedroom? Because Geoffrey snores, apparently, like wildebeest being murdered.
- And his wife Prune - It's Prue, darling, not Prune.
- What's she so scared of? - I'd be scared of snapping and clubbing Geoffrey to death in his sleep.
- Why are they all so horrid? - They're not horrid, they're just .
.
better in captivity, in England.
It's very dark.
Are you sure there isn't any electricity anywhere? Wait a minute, I'll, erm, I'll just check under the sofa.
Of course I'm sure! I'm sorting it out, Prue! Somebody move that away from the house! I can hear your son and his lady friend in the next room having carnal relations.
Well, lucky them! If only all relations were that much fun.
- I thought you hated bicycles? - Oh I was so desperate to escape.
I would've saddled up a goat and ridden it.
Oh, families.
More pain than pleasure.
Well, tell that to Florence.
She confessed to me that they can't have children.
Oh, how sad.
But there's consolation in work and friendship.
Well, if you feel the urge to ravish me, you have my full permission.
Listen, I will always respect your honour.
Oh, let's not worry too much about that.
Mrs Durrells? Hello? I don't want to intrude, but I have found you a generator.
I I saw nothing! Oh! Spiro, I have to ask you to keep this a secret.
Can you do that? - Leslie, go and get Larry.
- I'm not going into his den of vice.
- I've got him.
- Can we make this short? Do we have to talk here? It's full of - What the heck are they? - My brown rats.
- Do you want to hold one of them? - What do YOU think? What's this about? Supper needs shooting.
I have an announcement to make, before Spiro blurts it out.
- You're getting together with Spiro? - No! No.
Sven and I are becoming more than good friends.
- Oh, we knew that.
- No, we didn't! - I knew that.
- This is so exciting! It's been eight years since Father died.
Well, yes.
And Well, I'm very fond of Sven.
- And it has been a long time coming.
- There was Mr Davis.
Yes, Mr Davis was a mistake, as antique dealers often are.
You don't need anyone.
You have us, and me.
Leslie, darling, don't be upset.
I still love you.
Gerry, darling, say something.
- Do you think he'll let me have one of his goats? - No.
Oh, and do keep this from Aunt Hermione.
She could make our lives very unpleasant.
- Why would she do that? - Because she's the head of the family, and she likes everyone to know it.
Leslie, you're hiding something.
Is it to do with your mother? - Mum told us to keep quiet.
- I sense it's a man.
Is he Greek? Swedish.
- What does he do? - Plays the accordion.
- As a profession? - No.
He owns a smallholding.
- How small? - I haven't measured it.
- Leslie, don't be saucy! Niece! Geoffrey! - Louisa has a beau, here on the island.
- Oh! How exciting! - I want us to make it quite clear that this is a mistake.
- Oh Even Leslie agrees, and he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
If it becomes serious, she'll want to keep the family here forever.
BBC News will be on soon.
Hurry up, there's a chap.
Ah, Leslie, bring me a footstool, dear.
I can feel my fallen arches falling even further.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Gerry, this is a terrible step backwards in transport.
Sally's really useful for getting around the island.
Sven's got one.
Mrs Durrells, I must apologise again about the unfortunate incident - with the partial nudity.
- It's fine, Spiro.
Really.
I saw nothing.
It was a blur.
- Ti thes? Ase me! - Hm Oh! - Now this is a local delicacy - What am I I can't Apologies.
Oh, it's fine.
Absolutely fine.
- Theo! - Gerry! Leslie's cross cos she pooed on his head in the night.
Well, it can take some getting used to, huh? They're really weak.
- I fear to get stronger, they need meat.
- I know.
I mentioned you to my friend, Mrs Vadrukakis, - who is interested in conservation.
- What's that? A new branch of zoology, to stop us tampering with our habitat - or hunting species to extinction.
- Ah Oh, I have a letter from England for Larry.
The postman Georgios says it's important.
I worry that he knows.
And actually, why am I delivering his letters? You might want to slide it under the door.
Larry's girlfriend's here and they're copulating a lot.
Right.
Hm You have a very diligent postman.
From England.
Publishers.
'We regret we are unable to publish your novel.
' Oh, Larry, baby.
It's OK.
More fool them.
So, what would you like to see on Corfu? The scenery is stunning.
It's a little hot for movement.
- We could go swimming.
- I no longer swim.
Your cousin Frank drowned, of course.
Well, I'll tell you what, we won't go on a warship like he did.
Ha ha! 'Owing to the need for propriety on these occasions, - it was felt that a gift of' - I am not God, but let there be light! - Good morning, Margo.
- Hello.
- Where's the Countess? - Resting.
She's feeling fragile.
Ah, I know what that means.
Hung over.
No.
She has a history of fragility and dark moods which even the most expensive chocolates won't alleviate.
So, today you can be MY companion.
I've been away a long time.
Tell me what's happening in England.
Well, when we left, bias-cut dresses were all the rage.
Hair Shall I tell you about hair? Immediately, and in great detail.
Gerry.
This is Mrs Vadrukakis, whom I mentioned.
Hello! I hear you are as passionate about wildlife as me and Theo.
- Yes, he's taught me so much.
- Louisa! I have no doubt you'd prefer the company of a friend, but I wish to see everyone gathered here this evening.
Mother? This is Mrs Vadrukakis.
Oh, hello! Hello.
Erm, I'm keen to start a version of the RSPCA.
Animals are often treated so badly here.
- Gerry, would you help? - I'd love to.
And perhaps you and your family would help as well? Yes, of course, yes, if I'm not busy dangling from a rope for murder.
For God's sake, darling, stick your face into a school book.
My mother's under a bit of pressure, as you can see.
I don't make a habit of giving speeches, but I'm distressed by what this family's become.
Would that your father were here now.
This is no place to bring up a family.
Gerald is now a wild animal.
Margo seems to be some sort of paid jester.
Leslie has twice been in trouble with the law.
And Larry, once a respectable Bournemouth estate agent, is now a debauchee and failed writer.
Can I describe YOU next? All of you guided by a mother enmeshed with a squeezebox-playing goatherd.
But all is not lost.
You will come home now.
I will pay for Gerry to go to a good English boarding school.
I will help Margo and Leslie into secure careers.
And as I won't live forever, Louisa, I will give you a sum of money, or perhaps a house, for you to create a solid base for a new life.
Well Thank you, Aunt Hermione.
I will give that careful thought.
Why did you let the old witch say all that? Because I've been fooling myself.
Back in the real world, that is what people are - and that is what people think.
- This is real! No, it's not! It's rented, if we could afford the rent, and it's fleeting.
She's right.
I've been playing at parenting.
And sooner or later we are going to have to go home and resume our lives.
It doesn't work like that.
Every day is real, here more than anywhere.
- We need her, Larry! - We don't! You just let her get under your skin.
Darling, everyone has somebody in their lives who is more powerful that they answer to -- your parent, your boss, your calling, your god, and I have Aunt Hermione.
And as awful as it sounds, everything that she just said in there I've thought myself.
And to be blunt, she has a lot of family money and I can't bear the thought of any of you children being poor forever.
Oh Well, you're a sight for sore eyes.
- Remind me, is that good? - Oh, it's very good.
Is something wrong? My scary aunt.
She knows about us.
And I was going to pretend to be a travelling donkey salesman.
I've missed you.
And I've missed you.
Because I have decided .
.
I love you.
Well, that's good .
.
because I love you too.
Right, I am going to - Where are our guests? - In the bedrooms.
Three persons, three bedrooms.
Ti to kaname etho? Hotel! I am going to show them, even if I have to drag them, that Corfu is a haven for beauty and love and culture.
Good luck.
- And I'd like to end the tour at the Villa Mavrodaki.
- No! Your aunt called me a paid jester! Whatever that is.
Well, all the more reason to show her the magnificent library and appeal to her snobbery by introducing her to an actual countess.
Oh, all right.
We've discussed my rejection and I've decided I'm giving up writing, in fact, the intellect in all its forms.
- Oh, don't be silly, Larry.
- You know why? Because art is clearly run by buffoons and tainted by misguided notions of commercialism.
Well, if that's true, it's beastly.
I'm throwing myself into manly things -- like Leslie, but better.
- So, what needs mending? - The house.
Well, let's narrow it down for him a bit.
Er the lavatory roof? Good.
Tough night? When Larry discusses something, he really discusses it.
- We usually run away.
- I'll try that next time.
Have you ever seen a bluer sky? I think we have, haven't we, dear? Yes, I think we have.
If you cut me open, you find the Union Jack inside.
I love the British.
Perfect manners.
Always first in the war and the last to leave.
Eyes on the road, driver.
First stop, the home of our great friend, Theodore Stephanides.
Go on! Shoo! - Your foreigner loves his sheep.
- Yes! Please forgive the disarray.
I lost myself in a study of the marine mollusc amphineura.
Fascinating creatures.
They have no identifiable head and no cerebral ganglion, obviously.
Yet they are armed - Shall I make some coffee? - They scrape algae from rocks.
I could go on.
In fact I will.
The museum seems to be shut.
Which is such a shame, because it's full of spellbinding artefacts.
That's fine.
I'll go in the middle again.
- I have to be by the window.
- She has claustrophobia.
- Yes, I do.
- In an open-top car? - Might we go home now? - Not until you start enjoying yourself.
Argh! Aw! Did you drop your hammer in the lavatory again? This handyman crap! I need proper work.
I'm going to Sven's.
Oh, he'll be so delighted (!) - Sven.
- Larry.
- Did you run here? - No.
Oh.
Listen, I'm going to give up this writing nonsense.
I want to do some proper work.
Just pay me what you can.
- Nothing.
- Fine.
Good.
Finish this hole.
Lots of trees to plant.
You missed your hands, I think.
- The thing about your foreigner is -- - Shut up! Next stop, the villa of the Countess Mavrodaki! - Angel, I will see you after work.
- Now is good.
- No, now is bad.
- No, no, now is very good.
I'm in charge of the house while Dennis is in town.
- Well, let us jump on the big bed, huh? - What are you, eight? Anyway, the Countess is inside.
You know, the Countess is a personal friend.
We exchanged gowns.
She's French.
You know, despite your doubts about Margo's job, Aunt, she's finally taking something seriously and she deserves to be applauded.
I'm always willing to admit mistakes, if I make any.
Hello? The library.
Margo often reads to the Countess in there.
Oh! - Let go.
I heard screaming.
- It was a chicken.
- It wasn't a chicken! Let's have some light in here! Oh, God, they're here already.
- I was busy in the garden.
- Yes, yes, we saw.
The Countess needs you.
It's Margo.
It's going to be fine.
I'm not mad, you know.
I know.
I know.
Who were those people? My relatives.
Now they ARE mad.
- What's wrong with it? - Theo thinks they need meat.
- What do they eat? - Mice, birds, generally.
There's loads of sparrows around.
I'll shoot some.
- Would that be any trouble? - No.
It's what I do.
- Thank you for driving us, Spiro.
- You are welcome, Mrs Durrell.
I hope my eyes were sufficiently on the road.
- Who's that? - Mrs Vadrukakis.
The animal lady.
- Nearly got one! - Gerry? - Damn.
Little bastards.
- Bugger.
No! Stop! Sorry, I don't know who you are, but you're sort of in the way here.
Sorry, Mrs Vadrukakis, we're doing it because of my baby owls.
This is murder! In that case, I think the jails are going to be rather full.
If this is your idea of conservation, I'm ashamed of you.
Mrs Durrell! He is a little savage! You should be ashamed of yourself.
(Somebody shoot me, please.
) You have ignored my advice and, rather than prepare to leave, you have dragged us deeper into your mire.
We will all leave now.
Have your possessions sent on.
But that's not fair.
I have held back from saying this, but as senior family member, I have legal grounds to claim custody of Gerald.
What? I've never craved children of my own, but I am quite willing to acquire one through my lawyers as you seem incapable of providing a secure home.
We will pack .
.
and I expect you to do the same.
- Wait! - Uh I think it's time you left.
You'll be happier in a guest house.
I'll send your possessions on, along with Geoffrey and Prue if they're as sour as you.
Where's Spiro? - I'll drive you.
- You're making a dreadful mistake.
I'd rather make my own mistakes than have you make them for me.
Don't you ever, ever threaten me like that again.
I will haul my children off to the most distant corner of the earth rather than surrender them to you or anybody else.
Hey! Stop! Stop! - Mum's borrowed your motor car.
- Nobody borrows my motor car! Don't worry, she's a very, very good driver.
Or at least she was ten years ago.
She doesn't saunter along, does she? Slow down, you're making me ill! Louisa! Right Let's think about this.
Well, what are you going to do? I am going to sit calmly with you, as you're here .
.
and wait for someone to come by.
And even though you were very rude to Spiro, I'm sure he won't begrudge you a sweet.
Do I have to tell you how close we are to plummeting to our deaths? Oh! There.
Our knight in shining armour.
Or possibly the Grim Reaper.
Ehei figi apo to dromo kai hreiazomaste to gaidaro sou na to travixoume.
Oi Englezoi einai akoma mesa.
Oh Nudity's all well and good until the flies get you.
You will reassure your family about my - .
.
dark moments? - Of course.
When did they start? After my husband died.
One builds a life around a person.
Perhaps one shouldn't.
And then they are gone .
.
and you're left clutching the air.
- Mother says when Daddy died, she wanted to jump into the grave with him.
- Oh! And then her hair started falling out.
- I don't know which is worse.
- Is everything all right? Yes.
Thank you, Margo.
You can go home.
There.
You're looking a funny colour, but you're going to be fine.
This wouldn't happen in the Home Counties.
It doesn't happen here either, because only I drive the car! Oh! Thank the Lord you're safe! I said to Geoffrey, 'How will we get the bodies home?' - Nightmare! - We're fine.
Really.
- Thank you.
- Mrs Durrells, don't do that again.
I'm so sorry, Spiro.
You smell of my steering wheel.
Two of my favourite things! - Stop.
- I have a job here, Angel, and I want to keep it.
Which is more important? Me or your job? My job.
Did you just actually stamp your foot? The Countess has a serious illness and I've been trying to help.
- The Countess told me what happened.
- Yes, I'm sorry.
How dare you abandon her to cavort with your fancy man! Nobody cavorted, and he really isn't that fancy.
Just go away.
Leave.
What was I thinking? I could have killed us both, and then how would my, my poor messed-up children have coped? Thank God you're here.
I I don't know what I'm doing.
Erm, before I jump to any conclusions, are you, er, tying your shoelace? I am asking you if you want to marry me.
I'll think about it.
Theo, the most terrible thing's happened.
I was with Leslie and, you know how he is with guns Mrs Vadrukakis told me what happened.
She feels May I speak for you? Ah, yes.
She feels she was somewhat hard on you in the heat of the moment.
Mrs Vadrukakis, I didn't really think about it before, but I have now.
I promise to conserve animal life wherever possible.
Thank you, Gerry.
Larry! Oh, you're limping! I expect you'll want to talk about it.
Listen I'm sorry.
- For what? - For being an idiot.
Let's face it, I'm only ever going to be a writer.
- Oh, did the manly work not go very well? - No.
Let me make it better Cheeky! - Lugaretzia, I heard Louisa.
- She's alive.
- Oh, right.
- Florence! - Louisa! - You nearly died! - Well, yes, - but, erm, something really interesting has happened.
- What? I've fixed the generator! So, erm, my news.
Erm Sven has asked me to marry him.
Oh - What are you going to say? - God knows.
Etho kala einai, etsi? Na htipeis! Stop, please, Durrells.
Enough! No more love! I am uneasy at my conduct in the motor car, and impressed by yours.
And your principled defence of your children.
Though less so by your driving.
Yes.
I still believe this isn't the best place to raise a family, but I accept that the choice must be yours.
Thank you.
I wish I cut a less stern figure.
If I'm honest, I miss you, Louisa .
.
and the children.
This was my heavy-handed attempt to make you come home.
You'd do the same if you spent as much time as I do with Prue and Geoffrey.
We like it here, Auntie.
I see that now.
- And how you might be attracted to your - Goatherd? Indeed.
Ahh! 'There was an explosion at the colliery following earlier flooding.
Britain plans to triple the size of its air force in response to German re-armament.
Prime Minister' Hooray! It's been 86 minutes.
I have to have your answer.
- Sven, please play your accordion.
- I'd rather not.
- So why did you bring it? - Fair point.
Darling, I'm not betraying your father.
He would be happy for me.
And for you.
I know.
I just miss him.
So, how was the Countess? She was sad, shaken.
Dennis wasn't very happy with me.
It might be time for me to grow up a bit and learn some responsibility.
You know, it's funny, cos I was just feeling like going the other way.
- I'm coming round to calamari.
- Mm Shall we go mad and risk an olive? Everyone.
Change of plan.
I'm going back to being a writer and an intellectual.
Oh Yes! - They're feeding! - The owls! I can confidently say that Larry is probably the worst farmer on the planet.
Although when he writes about it, I think he'll probably be rather better.
Um Listen, Sven, about your proposal.
Just Yes.
It's time I started living for myself.
So, in two weeks, a wedding.
I bring enthusiastic visitors to your zoo! The common tortoise.
Common, but anything but boring.
Scorpion! It bit me! - Let's find a place of our own.
- Oh - Why do you want to marry Mrs Durrell? - Because I love her.
Damn, he's good! - May I have one of your goats? - No.