The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
Captain Underpants and the Terrifying Perilious Misfortune of the T.P. Mummy
1 [narrator.]
Toilet paper: one of mankind's crowning achievements.
Without it, we'd have to use leaves -or newspaper or a horse.
-[whinnies.]
And no one loves TP more than George and Harold.
Not for its intended use, but for pranks.
[growls.]
[screams.]
[hyperventilating.]
[laughs.]
-Man, I love TP.
-[laughs.]
Same.
[Mr.
Krupp gasps.]
I'm running out of oxygen! So George and Harold make comic books -[George.]
We're cool! -[Harold.]
Me too! But they had a mean old principal Who told them what to Blah, blah, blah, blah! So they got a Hypno-Ring And first they made him dance Then accidentally, kinda on purpose Turned him into Captain Underpants! [Captain Underpants.]
Tra-la-la! With a snap, he's the Captain Not the brightest man And don't forget, when he gets wet You're back where you began Put it all together What could possibly go wrong? Now this is the end Of the Captain Underpants song! - By George Beard and Harold Hutchins -[Captain Underpants.]
Tra-la-la! [George and Harold.]
The Terrifying Perilous Misfortune of the TP Mummy.
[narrator.]
That means "toilet paper time-out.
" While George and Harold had successfully TP'd most items in Piqua, they had their eyes on an even bigger prize.
TPing the entire school is gonna be the greatest prank ever.
We're gonna be legends.
[George.]
Good thing we have a TP Teepee.
[Harold.]
It's the best TP-only store that only sells TP.
Sorry, guys.
You're banned.
Banned? For what? Too much TPing.
Your principal, Mr.
Krupp, sent this over.
Whoa.
Nice poster.
-Can we have it? -[man.]
No.
Great.
What are we gonna do now? -Don't worry, buddy, we still got-- -No, you don't.
Aw, man.
[bouncy music.]
Hey, there, Er ica.
[music fades.]
Erica, you don't know where we could get, like, a thousand rolls of toilet paper? We were on the verge of pulling an epic TP prank.
We would've been legends.
Oh, so you're giving up? Legends don't give up-- legends like Horatio Dump.
[Harold.]
"Horatio Dump.
-He never gave up.
" -[horse neighs.]
[Erica.]
Long ago, people threw their trash wherever.
Then Horatio Dump said, "Trash belongs in one place, not all over.
" -[crowd booing.]
-[Erica.]
People hated him for it.
But he never gave up.
And that's why the place where trash goes is named-- The Horatio? -The dump.
-That's made up.
No, that's tenacity.
-[both.]
Whoa! -Cool.
What's tenacity? Erica? -She's like Batman.
-Minus the angry mumbling.
[truck beeping.]
[shouts.]
Mr.
Ree, Mr.
Ree! That's fancy French toilet paper, not a sack of potatoes.
[narrator.]
This is Mr.
Ree, the school janitor.
He's a dedicated employee and definitely doesn't have a secret past.
Ooh, I've said too much.
[mysterious chords play.]
Three-ply, quilted, plush weave.
Not the usual sandpaper you order.
What's the occasion? We have a new French teacher, and I want her to have the best.
So you got a crush on the "ooh-la-la"? What? That's ridiculous! It's not like I want to take long walks at the movies, trading butterfly kisses or-- or anything! -Whatever floats your boat, chief.
-My boat floats fine! -Liar.
-What? Yeah, you heard me.
-Thanks, Marge.
-[engine revs, tires squeal.]
Now, guard this toilet paper with your life.
It was very expensive.
So expensive, I had to use most of your salary to pay for it.
[narrator.]
This is Ms.
Yewh, the new French teacher.
[French accent.]
She loves everything French.
[normal voice.]
And she always wanted to go to Paris, but she'd settle for French-speaking Canada.
The best way to learn French is by speaking French, which means in my French class we will only speak en français.
-Oui? -If we're banned from the TP Teepee, where are we gonna get TP? -Uh, the bathroom? -Smart.
Uh, excuse me.
We got to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, me too.
In French.
You want us to go to the bathroom "in French"? -Oui, oui.
-[both laughing.]
[narrator.]
We apologize for using a joke that is over 280 years old.
Sit, s'il vous plaît.
-Dang.
-[door opens.]
[straining nervously.]
-Huh? -What the Ms.
Yewh, uh [laughing nervously.]
[straining.]
[grunts.]
I just wanted to make sure you're settling in and to see if you had any questions-- I have a question.
Why are you wearing skinny jeans? No more questions, you two! Did you join a band? [growls.]
Go stand at the window and pick out the Dumpster you'll be living in after you flunk out of French class! -[George.]
Okay.
-Anyway Do you have everything you need? Chalk-- [shouts, clears throat.]
Uh, anyway, there's a new teacher orientation this afternoon.
It's gonna be a blast! And it's [sing-song voice.]
mandatory! This is our current TP inventory? Seven squares? We couldn't even cover a-- [gasps.]
Holy cow! George, look.
[Harold.]
Whoa.
A TP mother lode.
It's a TP TD.
-[crowd cheering.]
-[air horn blasts.]
-[whistle blows.]
-[announcer.]
Touchdown! -So good.
-[Mr.
Krupp.]
You're not getting anything except a talking-to in my office, now.
-[George.]
Okay.
-[inhales deeply.]
[grunting.]
-[door opens.]
-[Mr.
Krupp groans.]
-[Mr.
Krupp chuckles nervously.]
-[door closes.]
-[counter clicks.]
-That toilet paper is for Ms.
Yewh and Ms.
Yewh only.
She must go to the bathroom a lot.
Yeah.
That's a lot of "oui, oui.
" [narrator.]
Ooh, we're sorry again.
She's an excellent teacher with a great head of hair, and she smells like Saint Patrick's Day.
-[sniffles.]
-What? So keep your grubby little paws off that toilet paper, or else.
-Or else what? -You-- you know what else! -You don't have anything, do you? -Get out! [giggles.]
Let's roll-- TP roll.
[triumphant music plays.]
[giggles.]
[grand music.]
[both.]
Yeah! -[boys grunt.]
-Nope.
[sneaky music.]
Not yours.
-For Ms.
Yewh! -[boys scream.]
We're never gonna get that TP.
He's keeping all of that for Ms.
Yewh.
She's the problem.
You're right.
So what if we got rid of Ms.
Yewh? You mean like Yes.
We make a comic to embarrass her so much, she quits.
It's worked before-- well, by accident.
[chuckles.]
[Captain Underpants.]
Captain Underpants and the Quarrelsome Tyranny of Queen Tootenfarti, by George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
[comic narrator.]
Once, there was this annoying French teacher who was awful and really loved French stuff and made all the kids talk French, like, "Oui, oui, oui, oui.
" One day, she took the kids on a field trip in a bus and stuff.
They were all, "Yay," until they found out it was to a museum to see French junk.
"Le boring!" "I le know!" But first, they had to walk through the mummy exhibit.
The mummy was Queen Tootenfarti, an ancient Egyptian queen.
The sign said, "Don't touch the mummy," but the teacher did 'cause she's dumb, and the mummy woke up, and she farted her mummy spirit into the teacher and made the teacher the mummy.
Her face got all rotten and yucky.
She scared all the kids.
"Groan! Groan in French!" Captain Underpants flew in.
"Tra-la-la-la-la.
Stop, mummy!" And she's all, "I will eat you, 'cause I'm hungry"--also in French.
Captain Underpants is like, "So? Me too! I had to leave dinner with my mummy to come fight you, mummy!" The mummy attacked, but he could see she was kind of sad and stuff.
Captain Underpants thought, "Hey, she was in a box, like, very long! She must be lonely!" So he wrapped himself in toilet paper and made her think he was her boyfriend.
"You're so pretty, grr and groan!" She fell for it and he grabbed her hand, but 'cause she was a million years old, it crushed to dust.
-"Oops," said Captain Underpants.
-[shouting.]
The mummy was all, "Now I'm mad and French," which is super dangerous.
She attacked! She, like, threw out all this old stuff and went, "Oui oui, oui, oui, oui, oui," all over the place.
He fell inside a car-sar-ca-gophulous box! She was gonna eat Captain Underpants! But then someone came and hit her on the head with a frying pan and knocked her out.
"Who did that?" said the kids.
And Captain Underpants said, "Why, that's my mummy!" And it was! It was his mom who stopped the old French Fartentooti and saved the day.
The end.
So how long before Ms.
Yewh quits? All she has to do is read the comic, get mad, fill out all of the paperwork-- -So how long? -Six to eight years.
-[groans.]
We can't wait that long.
-[Mr.
Ree.]
You two.
Got a major gravy spill in the kitchen.
-Need your help.
-You want us to wipe up gravy? No.
[laughs.]
You're not certified for that.
I need you to guard that toilet paper.
[both gasping and shouting excitedly.]
[narrator.]
You see, Mr.
Krupp asked Mr.
Ree to guard the toilet paper, but neglected to say from whom-- meaning fortuitous error for George and Harold and this story.
TP It's not just for tushies It can also be for pranks And it's really a gas That's gas as in funny Not gas as in farty - 'Cause pranking with TP -[both.]
Is always a blast We're so close.
Almost legends.
Just got to cover this last bit.
Let's hit it.
Now, I know you like French stuff, and I know you like to go to the bathroom, So I got you a little surprise.
[both gasp.]
Oh, no, eternal winter! [shouting.]
-[grunts.]
-[Harold and George.]
Yay! [all shouting.]
[all grunting.]
[sputtering angrily.]
-No! -We're not finished.
Oh, yes, you are.
And after you clean up this mess, you're going to mow the entire football field.
That doesn't sound so bad.
-With your teeth! -What? -How would we do that? -With your teeth! But how would we do that? With with your teeth! [groans angrily.]
Just wanted to see if he'd say it three times.
So good.
[sighs.]
We were so close.
This is gonna take forever.
If only someone had invented a device to get rid of toilet paper quickly, perhaps using water to flush it away.
Wait.
They did.
[angelic chorus vocalizing.]
[triumphant orchestral music.]
[toilet flushing.]
-[George.]
It's working.
-[Harold.]
Almost done.
-Dang, we're good.
-Even when we don't want to do it.
[George giggles.]
-[ominous music.]
-[rumbling.]
Listen up, hairnets.
I've got a very important date-- err, that's new teacher's orientation, and everything needs to be perfect.
I'll get out the paper plates.
"Paper"? What are you-- Plastic! The good plastic.
Now, Ms.
Yewh likes French stuff, so make the cafeteria look like French.
And make some escargot, whatever that is.
-[rumbling.]
-[whimpering.]
And clean up this dump.
What is this? A comic? "Annoying French teacher," "Queen Tootenfarti" [gasps.]
Sacré bleu! That's a French word from the Internet.
Don't worry, my sweet.
I'll make sure you never see this.
I swear.
[woman.]
Uh Give me those comics! [grunting.]
Give me that! And-- ooh-- that! [grunts.]
[grunting.]
That's all of 'em I think.
-[ominous music.]
-[rumbling.]
[narrator.]
But he thinks wrong.
There was one left.
What? Quoi? Moi? Easiest cleanup ever.
Yep, we worked smarter, not harder.
[chuckles.]
-[rumbling.]
-[water spraying.]
Hey, are your feet wet? That can't be good.
We got to unclog these toilets, or Krupp is gonna flush us.
Relax, buddy, we're golden.
Look! "Gone to The Clogs Mega Ultra Maximum-Strength Clog Remover.
" "Just use one drop.
" Hmm.
-[George.]
How about the whole jug? -[liquid bubbling.]
[dramatic music.]
[gasps.]
The whole jug? You've doomed us all.
That stuff's experimental, unpredictable, and kind of pricey.
[narrator.]
The pipes at Jerome Horowitz were rated to handle the flushing of exactly 47 comics, one gallon of de-clogger, and 500 rolls of toilet paper.
As long as no one flushes one more Quoi? Garbáge.
[narrator.]
That would be the "one more.
" Oh, poo.
[screaming.]
[shouting hoarsely.]
[dramatic music.]
[energy humming.]
[groaning.]
[growls.]
[growling.]
I am the queen! The queen of TP! [growls.]
Oui, oui, oui! [growls.]
Oui! I am the TP Mummy! Give me TP! [growling.]
Oui, oui, oui! Okay, the whole jug was too much.
-We're gonna die! -[boys grunt.]
If you want to live, come with me.
[dramatic music.]
-[whimpers.]
-[boys scream.]
[growls.]
[screeches.]
[French accordion music.]
-[growls.]
-Ah, Ms.
Yewh.
[growls.]
Oui, oui! I, um, uh, huh see you've draped yourself in wet toilet paper.
Is that the latest in French style? [growls.]
-[chuckles nervously.]
What? Ah, look! -[accordion playing.]
As you can see, I'm a big French fan myself.
What is that? -Escargot.
Snails.
-Snail? Uh, yes.
[chuckles.]
Of course.
-Mmm.
-[shell shattering.]
Mmm, so French.
[chuckles.]
Want-- I want all the TP! And once I have it, all will bow down before me or never go to the bathroom again! Uh, well, that's, uh, that's a big ask.
Oof! Whoa! I can't believe there's a secret toilet lab under the school.
No one's supposed to know, but that monster was gonna get you, so I had no choice.
[breathes sharply.]
So, what, you're some kind of secret toilet agent? Used to be.
I was in charge of making T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
-Gross! -It's an acronym.
It stands for Toilet Eliminator of Really Dangerous Stuff.
But if you were a secret toilet guy, why did you work at the school? Uh, mainly, I get to keep anything that's been in the lost and found more than a month.
-[toy squeaks.]
-Really? That's it? [dramatic music.]
[grunts, whimpers.]
[sobs.]
All right, all right.
I'll tell you.
Just quit hounding me, will you? [squeaks.]
In the late 1990s, the government hired me to make T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
, a huge, massive toilet to eliminate the most serious threats on Earth-- poisonous chemicals, weapons of mass destruction, envelopes.
Envelopes? Ever gotten a paper cut from one of those bad boys? Anyway During our first official test flush, the handle got stuck.
[alarms ringing.]
Run! [sirens blaring.]
Massive flooding.
I tried to jiggle it, but the handle wouldn't budge.
[emotional music.]
[gasps, cries.]
I jiggled.
I jiggled and jiggled and jiggled and jiggled and jiggled until [shouts.]
[man screams.]
[echoing.]
No! [wailing.]
[tragic orchestral music.]
People got hurt.
It was all my fault.
They shut us down, and I left T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
behind me, shattered.
Wait a minute.
M-maybe we could use T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
to stop that mummy.
You can't give up.
If Horatio Dump had given up, there'd be trash everywhere.
Horatio Dump? The Horatio Dump? He's the reason I got into the field of elimination sciences.
So you're in? 'Cause we really need your T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
.
-You got to help us.
-Come on.
-[tortured grunting.]
-Yeah.
Stop! Just stop.
Don't you see? Don't you get it? [grunts.]
-Not really.
-Me neither.
Sorry, boys, but I flushed T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
away, which is too bad, because it's almost as if I was put here to solve this very specific problem.
Anyway, good luck.
-Well, that was a huge waste of time.
-Yeah.
-Let's go get Captain Underpants.
-Yeah! Ooh, a sign.
"Caution: T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
slippery when wet.
" [chuckles.]
-No need to change this sign.
-Nope.
Can't beat perfect.
[grunts, groans.]
Where is TP? I don't know.
The bathroom? [growls.]
[weakly.]
We'll always have cafeteria Paris.
Come on, Captain Underpants.
Hmm? Ha! [grunts.]
Tra-la-la! Captain Underpants, there's a TP Mummy on the loose.
Right.
Whatever that means, it sounds bad.
I like it.
Which way? [heroic music.]
Hey, mummy.
I'm gonna wipe you out.
Get it? 'Cause toilet paper.
-[roaring.]
-[grunting.]
[narrator.]
The following scene is so violent, we're presenting it in the harmless graffiti often found in public restrooms.
-[toilet flushes.]
-Enjoy Stall-O-Rama.
There once was a man who wore undies.
He had a tough time with a mummy.
He tried to fight back, but she gave him a smack.
And in the end, "Jimmy Slapthighs was here.
" Wait, what? [grunts.]
[grunts, groans.]
Somebody call a plumber! [growls.]
[roaring.]
I want all the TP! [dramatic music.]
-How are we gonna stop her? -[Mr.
Ree.]
With T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
! [warbling.]
Huh? [together.]
It's Mr.
Ree! [grunts.]
Ha ha! [chuckles, shouts.]
[grunting.]
Oof.
[sighs.]
You were right, boys.
It's time for T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
.
[both.]
Yeah! Now, if we only we had a way to make that TP Mummy follow us.
-[siren blaring.]
-That's it! There! The TP Teepee TP.
"TP Teepee TP"? -There.
-Oh! The TP Teepee TP.
Got it.
[narrator.]
Then this happened.
-[Harold.]
She's right behind us.
-[George.]
Keep running! Mr.
Ree, we're running out of TP.
Hang on, boys.
T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
is dead ahead.
-[Harold.]
Are you sure that's it? -[roars.]
-'Cause it looks like a regular mountain.
-The mountain will open, kid! -Are you sure that's-- -The mountain will open! -It's a-- -[all grunt.]
[Mr.
Ree.]
Oh, yeah, right, the top.
The top opens.
Ah, it's been a while.
[growling.]
[shouts.]
TP! TP! [voice fading.]
TP! TP! TP! TP! [together.]
Ooh.
T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
is on the other side of that door.
Now, what was that code? -[chuckles.]
Try number one.
-[chuckles.]
Try number two.
Oh, yeah, 12.
-Welcome to T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
, gentlemen.
-[boys.]
Whoa This is the omega toilet.
-Oh -Yep, it's a big toilet.
It sure is.
-[rumbling.]
-[shouts.]
[roars.]
More TP! Okay, boys, T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
is a go.
[electricity crackling.]
Captain Underpants, distract her.
Great idea! Pick a card, any card.
[grunts.]
Oh, no! She hates magic! Try what you did in our comic.
-[mumbling.]
-[growling.]
-[mummy grunting.]
-And then I I [laughs.]
Good stuff, boys! I'm on it! Ha! -Want to go to the dump? -Huh? -It's romantic.
-[growls.]
I will destroy you! Sounds like a yes to me.
Captain Underpants, phase two.
Tra-la-la! [shouting dizzily.]
-You need to unwind.
-It's working! What? You cannot flush me! [laughing.]
-What are we gonna do now? -Oui, oui, oui, oui! Bow down before me! [growls.]
Oui, oui! -[growling.]
-Oh, no! -[growls.]
Oui, oui, oui! [growls.]
-[burbling.]
What â¦is going on? Oh, no! He's turning back into Krupp.
[screams.]
[laughs.]
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui! Mr.
Ree, it's overflowing.
Help! -What do you want me to do? -[echoing.]
Jiggle the handle! Jiggle the handle! [echoing.]
Jiggle the handle! No.
No, I-I can't.
You have to.
Remember Horatio Dump.
He didn't give up.
What should I do, Mr.
Dump? Jiggle it.
Just a little bit.
[grunting.]
I can jiggle it! [grunting.]
[snarls.]
[grunts, sighs.]
-It's flushing! -[Mummy straining.]
[growling.]
[shouting.]
[laughs.]
And it didn't expl--[grunts.]
[both screaming.]
[harp music.]
[narrator.]
It worked.
Where am I? And what's that smell? -Smells like victory.
-[dramatic fanfare.]
[dreamily.]
Oh No, it smells like a toilet.
[gentle music.]
Merci.
You're the janitor, oui? -Oui.
-[gasps.]
-[French accent.]
French? -Actually -[French accent.]
French-Canadian.
-Ooh! [chuckles.]
Close enough.
Wait! Wait! [sighs.]
I ate a snail for her.
That was amazing! It's too bad no one will ever know about this, you know, because we're deep inside the mountain of T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
Sad high five.
Yep.
Guess we'll never be legends.
[narrator.]
Except, in fact, they would be legends, because that huge amount of toilet paper flew through the sky and completely covered Jerome Horwitz Elementary School.
Ha! They did it! The knuckleheads did it.
Legends.
[heartwarming orchestral music.]
Toilet paper: one of mankind's crowning achievements.
Without it, we'd have to use leaves -or newspaper or a horse.
-[whinnies.]
And no one loves TP more than George and Harold.
Not for its intended use, but for pranks.
[growls.]
[screams.]
[hyperventilating.]
[laughs.]
-Man, I love TP.
-[laughs.]
Same.
[Mr.
Krupp gasps.]
I'm running out of oxygen! So George and Harold make comic books -[George.]
We're cool! -[Harold.]
Me too! But they had a mean old principal Who told them what to Blah, blah, blah, blah! So they got a Hypno-Ring And first they made him dance Then accidentally, kinda on purpose Turned him into Captain Underpants! [Captain Underpants.]
Tra-la-la! With a snap, he's the Captain Not the brightest man And don't forget, when he gets wet You're back where you began Put it all together What could possibly go wrong? Now this is the end Of the Captain Underpants song! - By George Beard and Harold Hutchins -[Captain Underpants.]
Tra-la-la! [George and Harold.]
The Terrifying Perilous Misfortune of the TP Mummy.
[narrator.]
That means "toilet paper time-out.
" While George and Harold had successfully TP'd most items in Piqua, they had their eyes on an even bigger prize.
TPing the entire school is gonna be the greatest prank ever.
We're gonna be legends.
[George.]
Good thing we have a TP Teepee.
[Harold.]
It's the best TP-only store that only sells TP.
Sorry, guys.
You're banned.
Banned? For what? Too much TPing.
Your principal, Mr.
Krupp, sent this over.
Whoa.
Nice poster.
-Can we have it? -[man.]
No.
Great.
What are we gonna do now? -Don't worry, buddy, we still got-- -No, you don't.
Aw, man.
[bouncy music.]
Hey, there, Er ica.
[music fades.]
Erica, you don't know where we could get, like, a thousand rolls of toilet paper? We were on the verge of pulling an epic TP prank.
We would've been legends.
Oh, so you're giving up? Legends don't give up-- legends like Horatio Dump.
[Harold.]
"Horatio Dump.
-He never gave up.
" -[horse neighs.]
[Erica.]
Long ago, people threw their trash wherever.
Then Horatio Dump said, "Trash belongs in one place, not all over.
" -[crowd booing.]
-[Erica.]
People hated him for it.
But he never gave up.
And that's why the place where trash goes is named-- The Horatio? -The dump.
-That's made up.
No, that's tenacity.
-[both.]
Whoa! -Cool.
What's tenacity? Erica? -She's like Batman.
-Minus the angry mumbling.
[truck beeping.]
[shouts.]
Mr.
Ree, Mr.
Ree! That's fancy French toilet paper, not a sack of potatoes.
[narrator.]
This is Mr.
Ree, the school janitor.
He's a dedicated employee and definitely doesn't have a secret past.
Ooh, I've said too much.
[mysterious chords play.]
Three-ply, quilted, plush weave.
Not the usual sandpaper you order.
What's the occasion? We have a new French teacher, and I want her to have the best.
So you got a crush on the "ooh-la-la"? What? That's ridiculous! It's not like I want to take long walks at the movies, trading butterfly kisses or-- or anything! -Whatever floats your boat, chief.
-My boat floats fine! -Liar.
-What? Yeah, you heard me.
-Thanks, Marge.
-[engine revs, tires squeal.]
Now, guard this toilet paper with your life.
It was very expensive.
So expensive, I had to use most of your salary to pay for it.
[narrator.]
This is Ms.
Yewh, the new French teacher.
[French accent.]
She loves everything French.
[normal voice.]
And she always wanted to go to Paris, but she'd settle for French-speaking Canada.
The best way to learn French is by speaking French, which means in my French class we will only speak en français.
-Oui? -If we're banned from the TP Teepee, where are we gonna get TP? -Uh, the bathroom? -Smart.
Uh, excuse me.
We got to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, me too.
In French.
You want us to go to the bathroom "in French"? -Oui, oui.
-[both laughing.]
[narrator.]
We apologize for using a joke that is over 280 years old.
Sit, s'il vous plaît.
-Dang.
-[door opens.]
[straining nervously.]
-Huh? -What the Ms.
Yewh, uh [laughing nervously.]
[straining.]
[grunts.]
I just wanted to make sure you're settling in and to see if you had any questions-- I have a question.
Why are you wearing skinny jeans? No more questions, you two! Did you join a band? [growls.]
Go stand at the window and pick out the Dumpster you'll be living in after you flunk out of French class! -[George.]
Okay.
-Anyway Do you have everything you need? Chalk-- [shouts, clears throat.]
Uh, anyway, there's a new teacher orientation this afternoon.
It's gonna be a blast! And it's [sing-song voice.]
mandatory! This is our current TP inventory? Seven squares? We couldn't even cover a-- [gasps.]
Holy cow! George, look.
[Harold.]
Whoa.
A TP mother lode.
It's a TP TD.
-[crowd cheering.]
-[air horn blasts.]
-[whistle blows.]
-[announcer.]
Touchdown! -So good.
-[Mr.
Krupp.]
You're not getting anything except a talking-to in my office, now.
-[George.]
Okay.
-[inhales deeply.]
[grunting.]
-[door opens.]
-[Mr.
Krupp groans.]
-[Mr.
Krupp chuckles nervously.]
-[door closes.]
-[counter clicks.]
-That toilet paper is for Ms.
Yewh and Ms.
Yewh only.
She must go to the bathroom a lot.
Yeah.
That's a lot of "oui, oui.
" [narrator.]
Ooh, we're sorry again.
She's an excellent teacher with a great head of hair, and she smells like Saint Patrick's Day.
-[sniffles.]
-What? So keep your grubby little paws off that toilet paper, or else.
-Or else what? -You-- you know what else! -You don't have anything, do you? -Get out! [giggles.]
Let's roll-- TP roll.
[triumphant music plays.]
[giggles.]
[grand music.]
[both.]
Yeah! -[boys grunt.]
-Nope.
[sneaky music.]
Not yours.
-For Ms.
Yewh! -[boys scream.]
We're never gonna get that TP.
He's keeping all of that for Ms.
Yewh.
She's the problem.
You're right.
So what if we got rid of Ms.
Yewh? You mean like Yes.
We make a comic to embarrass her so much, she quits.
It's worked before-- well, by accident.
[chuckles.]
[Captain Underpants.]
Captain Underpants and the Quarrelsome Tyranny of Queen Tootenfarti, by George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
[comic narrator.]
Once, there was this annoying French teacher who was awful and really loved French stuff and made all the kids talk French, like, "Oui, oui, oui, oui.
" One day, she took the kids on a field trip in a bus and stuff.
They were all, "Yay," until they found out it was to a museum to see French junk.
"Le boring!" "I le know!" But first, they had to walk through the mummy exhibit.
The mummy was Queen Tootenfarti, an ancient Egyptian queen.
The sign said, "Don't touch the mummy," but the teacher did 'cause she's dumb, and the mummy woke up, and she farted her mummy spirit into the teacher and made the teacher the mummy.
Her face got all rotten and yucky.
She scared all the kids.
"Groan! Groan in French!" Captain Underpants flew in.
"Tra-la-la-la-la.
Stop, mummy!" And she's all, "I will eat you, 'cause I'm hungry"--also in French.
Captain Underpants is like, "So? Me too! I had to leave dinner with my mummy to come fight you, mummy!" The mummy attacked, but he could see she was kind of sad and stuff.
Captain Underpants thought, "Hey, she was in a box, like, very long! She must be lonely!" So he wrapped himself in toilet paper and made her think he was her boyfriend.
"You're so pretty, grr and groan!" She fell for it and he grabbed her hand, but 'cause she was a million years old, it crushed to dust.
-"Oops," said Captain Underpants.
-[shouting.]
The mummy was all, "Now I'm mad and French," which is super dangerous.
She attacked! She, like, threw out all this old stuff and went, "Oui oui, oui, oui, oui, oui," all over the place.
He fell inside a car-sar-ca-gophulous box! She was gonna eat Captain Underpants! But then someone came and hit her on the head with a frying pan and knocked her out.
"Who did that?" said the kids.
And Captain Underpants said, "Why, that's my mummy!" And it was! It was his mom who stopped the old French Fartentooti and saved the day.
The end.
So how long before Ms.
Yewh quits? All she has to do is read the comic, get mad, fill out all of the paperwork-- -So how long? -Six to eight years.
-[groans.]
We can't wait that long.
-[Mr.
Ree.]
You two.
Got a major gravy spill in the kitchen.
-Need your help.
-You want us to wipe up gravy? No.
[laughs.]
You're not certified for that.
I need you to guard that toilet paper.
[both gasping and shouting excitedly.]
[narrator.]
You see, Mr.
Krupp asked Mr.
Ree to guard the toilet paper, but neglected to say from whom-- meaning fortuitous error for George and Harold and this story.
TP It's not just for tushies It can also be for pranks And it's really a gas That's gas as in funny Not gas as in farty - 'Cause pranking with TP -[both.]
Is always a blast We're so close.
Almost legends.
Just got to cover this last bit.
Let's hit it.
Now, I know you like French stuff, and I know you like to go to the bathroom, So I got you a little surprise.
[both gasp.]
Oh, no, eternal winter! [shouting.]
-[grunts.]
-[Harold and George.]
Yay! [all shouting.]
[all grunting.]
[sputtering angrily.]
-No! -We're not finished.
Oh, yes, you are.
And after you clean up this mess, you're going to mow the entire football field.
That doesn't sound so bad.
-With your teeth! -What? -How would we do that? -With your teeth! But how would we do that? With with your teeth! [groans angrily.]
Just wanted to see if he'd say it three times.
So good.
[sighs.]
We were so close.
This is gonna take forever.
If only someone had invented a device to get rid of toilet paper quickly, perhaps using water to flush it away.
Wait.
They did.
[angelic chorus vocalizing.]
[triumphant orchestral music.]
[toilet flushing.]
-[George.]
It's working.
-[Harold.]
Almost done.
-Dang, we're good.
-Even when we don't want to do it.
[George giggles.]
-[ominous music.]
-[rumbling.]
Listen up, hairnets.
I've got a very important date-- err, that's new teacher's orientation, and everything needs to be perfect.
I'll get out the paper plates.
"Paper"? What are you-- Plastic! The good plastic.
Now, Ms.
Yewh likes French stuff, so make the cafeteria look like French.
And make some escargot, whatever that is.
-[rumbling.]
-[whimpering.]
And clean up this dump.
What is this? A comic? "Annoying French teacher," "Queen Tootenfarti" [gasps.]
Sacré bleu! That's a French word from the Internet.
Don't worry, my sweet.
I'll make sure you never see this.
I swear.
[woman.]
Uh Give me those comics! [grunting.]
Give me that! And-- ooh-- that! [grunts.]
[grunting.]
That's all of 'em I think.
-[ominous music.]
-[rumbling.]
[narrator.]
But he thinks wrong.
There was one left.
What? Quoi? Moi? Easiest cleanup ever.
Yep, we worked smarter, not harder.
[chuckles.]
-[rumbling.]
-[water spraying.]
Hey, are your feet wet? That can't be good.
We got to unclog these toilets, or Krupp is gonna flush us.
Relax, buddy, we're golden.
Look! "Gone to The Clogs Mega Ultra Maximum-Strength Clog Remover.
" "Just use one drop.
" Hmm.
-[George.]
How about the whole jug? -[liquid bubbling.]
[dramatic music.]
[gasps.]
The whole jug? You've doomed us all.
That stuff's experimental, unpredictable, and kind of pricey.
[narrator.]
The pipes at Jerome Horowitz were rated to handle the flushing of exactly 47 comics, one gallon of de-clogger, and 500 rolls of toilet paper.
As long as no one flushes one more Quoi? Garbáge.
[narrator.]
That would be the "one more.
" Oh, poo.
[screaming.]
[shouting hoarsely.]
[dramatic music.]
[energy humming.]
[groaning.]
[growls.]
[growling.]
I am the queen! The queen of TP! [growls.]
Oui, oui, oui! [growls.]
Oui! I am the TP Mummy! Give me TP! [growling.]
Oui, oui, oui! Okay, the whole jug was too much.
-We're gonna die! -[boys grunt.]
If you want to live, come with me.
[dramatic music.]
-[whimpers.]
-[boys scream.]
[growls.]
[screeches.]
[French accordion music.]
-[growls.]
-Ah, Ms.
Yewh.
[growls.]
Oui, oui! I, um, uh, huh see you've draped yourself in wet toilet paper.
Is that the latest in French style? [growls.]
-[chuckles nervously.]
What? Ah, look! -[accordion playing.]
As you can see, I'm a big French fan myself.
What is that? -Escargot.
Snails.
-Snail? Uh, yes.
[chuckles.]
Of course.
-Mmm.
-[shell shattering.]
Mmm, so French.
[chuckles.]
Want-- I want all the TP! And once I have it, all will bow down before me or never go to the bathroom again! Uh, well, that's, uh, that's a big ask.
Oof! Whoa! I can't believe there's a secret toilet lab under the school.
No one's supposed to know, but that monster was gonna get you, so I had no choice.
[breathes sharply.]
So, what, you're some kind of secret toilet agent? Used to be.
I was in charge of making T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
-Gross! -It's an acronym.
It stands for Toilet Eliminator of Really Dangerous Stuff.
But if you were a secret toilet guy, why did you work at the school? Uh, mainly, I get to keep anything that's been in the lost and found more than a month.
-[toy squeaks.]
-Really? That's it? [dramatic music.]
[grunts, whimpers.]
[sobs.]
All right, all right.
I'll tell you.
Just quit hounding me, will you? [squeaks.]
In the late 1990s, the government hired me to make T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
, a huge, massive toilet to eliminate the most serious threats on Earth-- poisonous chemicals, weapons of mass destruction, envelopes.
Envelopes? Ever gotten a paper cut from one of those bad boys? Anyway During our first official test flush, the handle got stuck.
[alarms ringing.]
Run! [sirens blaring.]
Massive flooding.
I tried to jiggle it, but the handle wouldn't budge.
[emotional music.]
[gasps, cries.]
I jiggled.
I jiggled and jiggled and jiggled and jiggled and jiggled until [shouts.]
[man screams.]
[echoing.]
No! [wailing.]
[tragic orchestral music.]
People got hurt.
It was all my fault.
They shut us down, and I left T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
behind me, shattered.
Wait a minute.
M-maybe we could use T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
to stop that mummy.
You can't give up.
If Horatio Dump had given up, there'd be trash everywhere.
Horatio Dump? The Horatio Dump? He's the reason I got into the field of elimination sciences.
So you're in? 'Cause we really need your T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
.
-You got to help us.
-Come on.
-[tortured grunting.]
-Yeah.
Stop! Just stop.
Don't you see? Don't you get it? [grunts.]
-Not really.
-Me neither.
Sorry, boys, but I flushed T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
away, which is too bad, because it's almost as if I was put here to solve this very specific problem.
Anyway, good luck.
-Well, that was a huge waste of time.
-Yeah.
-Let's go get Captain Underpants.
-Yeah! Ooh, a sign.
"Caution: T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
slippery when wet.
" [chuckles.]
-No need to change this sign.
-Nope.
Can't beat perfect.
[grunts, groans.]
Where is TP? I don't know.
The bathroom? [growls.]
[weakly.]
We'll always have cafeteria Paris.
Come on, Captain Underpants.
Hmm? Ha! [grunts.]
Tra-la-la! Captain Underpants, there's a TP Mummy on the loose.
Right.
Whatever that means, it sounds bad.
I like it.
Which way? [heroic music.]
Hey, mummy.
I'm gonna wipe you out.
Get it? 'Cause toilet paper.
-[roaring.]
-[grunting.]
[narrator.]
The following scene is so violent, we're presenting it in the harmless graffiti often found in public restrooms.
-[toilet flushes.]
-Enjoy Stall-O-Rama.
There once was a man who wore undies.
He had a tough time with a mummy.
He tried to fight back, but she gave him a smack.
And in the end, "Jimmy Slapthighs was here.
" Wait, what? [grunts.]
[grunts, groans.]
Somebody call a plumber! [growls.]
[roaring.]
I want all the TP! [dramatic music.]
-How are we gonna stop her? -[Mr.
Ree.]
With T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
! [warbling.]
Huh? [together.]
It's Mr.
Ree! [grunts.]
Ha ha! [chuckles, shouts.]
[grunting.]
Oof.
[sighs.]
You were right, boys.
It's time for T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
.
[both.]
Yeah! Now, if we only we had a way to make that TP Mummy follow us.
-[siren blaring.]
-That's it! There! The TP Teepee TP.
"TP Teepee TP"? -There.
-Oh! The TP Teepee TP.
Got it.
[narrator.]
Then this happened.
-[Harold.]
She's right behind us.
-[George.]
Keep running! Mr.
Ree, we're running out of TP.
Hang on, boys.
T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
is dead ahead.
-[Harold.]
Are you sure that's it? -[roars.]
-'Cause it looks like a regular mountain.
-The mountain will open, kid! -Are you sure that's-- -The mountain will open! -It's a-- -[all grunt.]
[Mr.
Ree.]
Oh, yeah, right, the top.
The top opens.
Ah, it's been a while.
[growling.]
[shouts.]
TP! TP! [voice fading.]
TP! TP! TP! TP! [together.]
Ooh.
T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
is on the other side of that door.
Now, what was that code? -[chuckles.]
Try number one.
-[chuckles.]
Try number two.
Oh, yeah, 12.
-Welcome to T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
, gentlemen.
-[boys.]
Whoa This is the omega toilet.
-Oh -Yep, it's a big toilet.
It sure is.
-[rumbling.]
-[shouts.]
[roars.]
More TP! Okay, boys, T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
is a go.
[electricity crackling.]
Captain Underpants, distract her.
Great idea! Pick a card, any card.
[grunts.]
Oh, no! She hates magic! Try what you did in our comic.
-[mumbling.]
-[growling.]
-[mummy grunting.]
-And then I I [laughs.]
Good stuff, boys! I'm on it! Ha! -Want to go to the dump? -Huh? -It's romantic.
-[growls.]
I will destroy you! Sounds like a yes to me.
Captain Underpants, phase two.
Tra-la-la! [shouting dizzily.]
-You need to unwind.
-It's working! What? You cannot flush me! [laughing.]
-What are we gonna do now? -Oui, oui, oui, oui! Bow down before me! [growls.]
Oui, oui! -[growling.]
-Oh, no! -[growls.]
Oui, oui, oui! [growls.]
-[burbling.]
What â¦is going on? Oh, no! He's turning back into Krupp.
[screams.]
[laughs.]
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui! Mr.
Ree, it's overflowing.
Help! -What do you want me to do? -[echoing.]
Jiggle the handle! Jiggle the handle! [echoing.]
Jiggle the handle! No.
No, I-I can't.
You have to.
Remember Horatio Dump.
He didn't give up.
What should I do, Mr.
Dump? Jiggle it.
Just a little bit.
[grunting.]
I can jiggle it! [grunting.]
[snarls.]
[grunts, sighs.]
-It's flushing! -[Mummy straining.]
[growling.]
[shouting.]
[laughs.]
And it didn't expl--[grunts.]
[both screaming.]
[harp music.]
[narrator.]
It worked.
Where am I? And what's that smell? -Smells like victory.
-[dramatic fanfare.]
[dreamily.]
Oh No, it smells like a toilet.
[gentle music.]
Merci.
You're the janitor, oui? -Oui.
-[gasps.]
-[French accent.]
French? -Actually -[French accent.]
French-Canadian.
-Ooh! [chuckles.]
Close enough.
Wait! Wait! [sighs.]
I ate a snail for her.
That was amazing! It's too bad no one will ever know about this, you know, because we're deep inside the mountain of T.
E.
R.
D.
S.
Sad high five.
Yep.
Guess we'll never be legends.
[narrator.]
Except, in fact, they would be legends, because that huge amount of toilet paper flew through the sky and completely covered Jerome Horwitz Elementary School.
Ha! They did it! The knuckleheads did it.
Legends.
[heartwarming orchestral music.]