The Exes (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

[knock at door.]
Coming.
Oh, great.
You're here.
I need something.
Phil, did it ever occur to you that I might be on a date? I don't have time for jokes.
My tooth is killing me.
So take an aspirin.
I tried, it's not working.
I need some of your super lady painkillers.
My super lady painkillers? Yeah, you know, like on the tv When the woman's doubled over in pain, she pops a pill, And then all of a sudden, She's riding a bike on the beach.
Here's a crazy idea, One of your roommates happens to be a dentist, So why don't you just ask stuart for help? No.
No, no.
No dentists.
Oh, my god.
Big, tough, manly phil is afraid of dentists.
I am not afraid.
I'm terrified.
Look, I hate the place.
T-the sounds, the smells, the really sharp tools.
Yeah, you mean, like the ones that go, "zzzzz!" ahh! All right, look.
Stop being a baby.
Let's just go see stuart.
No, no.
Stuart can't know about this.
If he senses anything is wrong, He'll make me go to his office and try to fix it.
Look, you've got to fix it, sweetie.
Honey, how are you gonna eat? I'm not even thinking about eating.
I'm just gonna go home, crawl into bed, and tough it out.
Okay.
Hey, phil? Huh? Zzzzz! Ahh! Stop playing! Hey, you're just in time for dinner.
What? It's our four-week anniversary, I thought a celebration was in order.
No.
No food.
Why not? Uh, 'cause we're guys.
And, you know, guys don't do this type of stuff.
Right, haskell? Stuart taught me how to fold napkins.
Look, a dove.
Look, this is just my way of thanking you guys For taking me in.
Phil, this dinner's so good, it's gonna make you cry.
Try the fresh breadsticks.
They're killer.
[knock at door.]
Oh.
Here.
Hi, hi.
Oh, my god.
Thanks for bringing these files over.
They weigh a ton.
I think your lift-to-weight ratio Must be higher than an ant's.
Oh, no.
What's the matter? Well, it took me so long to get here, I'll never make it home in time To change and be back in the city to hit the clubs.
Why don't you just stay home for one night? Yeah, it starts with one night.
Then another night, then another, and pretty soon, I'm-- Not you.
Holly, uh, that top you're wearing is gorgeous.
Really? Thank you.
Could I borrow it? To do what? Live in it? No.
I wanna wear it tonight.
I bet I could make it work.
Come on, please? So I'm thinking you might want some drink money, too? Oh, you buy your own drinks? Haskell, you gotta help me.
I have a tooth that's killing me and I don't want stuart to know.
Why not? He's a dentist.
I'm afraid of dentists.
I can't eat anything.
Every bite is torture.
Would you please eat my food for me? What do you mean? Like, chew it up for you, And spit it back in your mouth like a bird? 'cause I'm willing to do it.
No.
Just eat when stuart's not looking.
'kay, here's the steak.
Thick and juicy.
Don't worry, phil.
I saved you the biggest cut.
Wow.
So, uh, stuart Is that a new painting? No, that, uh, that was here when I moved in.
You don't say.
Mm-hmm.
That vase over there, though, that's gotta be new, right? No, that was here, too.
Mmm! Hey, you know, are you sure that painting Isn't hung too high right there? Looks fine to me, I don't know.
Are you sure? 'cause I was thinking-- Okay, phil? Phil.
I'm starting to get a little whiplash From all your questions.
Can we just eat? Why are you chewing so slowly? I'm savoring every bite.
Stop the madness.
He's got a bad tooth, and he's afraid of dentists.
Is this true? Uh-huh.
Well, those days are over, my friend.
You are now in the hands of the man That midtown dental weekly called "the tooth whisperer.
" Tomorrow, you come to my office.
In the meantime, I got something that'll ease the pain.
So do I.
Look.
Boobies.
Deanna, this first patient's gonna be a bit of a challenge.
He's a level ten dental chicken.
Is he a biter? We'll find out.
Hello.
Have a seat, phil.
I don't wanna.
Oh, don't worry.
Dr.
Gardner's the best.
Yeah.
Midtown dental weekly called him-- Yeah, I-I-I heard.
I heard.
Deanna's been with me since the beginning.
And I couldn't do it without her.
Now just relax, phil.
Soon the gas will take effect, And it'll be happy time.
Yeah, but I don't, I don't, I don't feel anything, man, And I need to be feelin' it Oh, yeah, that's right.
That's nice.
When did the world become so velvety? Don't worry, phil.
You're in a safe, safe place.
Get the drill.
Hi, hi.
Hey, eden.
Brought your clothes back, as promised.
So how'd they work out? Oh, your clothes got crazy-stupid last night.
Wanna see pictures? Okay, sure.
All right.
So here I am at bar new york.
Oh, I've never been to bar new york.
Although I did walk by it once on my way home After being stood up.
Here I am at studio b.
Okay, marquis.
Cielo.
I don't remember what that place was Or who that guy is Or why we're making out.
Okay, no, no, here's-- yeah, I get it.
Drink, dance, grope, repeat.
Holly, would you mind if I borrowed some more clothes? I don't think so.
Oh, come on, please? I can't afford designer things like you.
At least, not on my salary.
Eden, the underpaid assistant card is not gonna work.
Gosh, you're pretty.
You know where the closet is.
Oh, you're the best! What, you want uppy? Haskell, why are you still folding napkins? I can't stop.
I'm obsessed with it.
Look, I've made geese, and swans, And if I can turn this into a gun, I'm gonna shoot myself.
So how's my patient doing? Well, I heard him in his bedroom, Moaning like a woman.
I'll go see how he's doing? So how's my patient doing? Dr.
Gardner! Dude! Stuart, you look devastated.
Could you take it in the other room? My show is about to start.
My dental assistant is naked in phil's bed.
And record.
[door slams.]
hey.
Uh, stuart? Uh, maybe next time you knock.
You slept with my assistant? Yeah, and lemme tell you something, That woman deserves a raise.
I saw her naked.
Yeah, well, who told you to barge into my room? So the whole time I was out here, The two of you were in there? I am somehow both repulsed and titillated.
Phil, did you ever stop to think about the consequences? This woman works for me, And now I saw her in bed with my roommate.
You have any idea, how horribly, horribly awkward That will make her feel? Good-bye, dr.
Gardner.
See you at mr.
Bender's root canal at 9:00.
Bye, phil.
I'll call ya, baby.
Sure, whatever.
Yeah, she seems devastated.
Stuart, it was just a one time thing Between two consenting adults.
But you just said you were gonna call her.
Yeah, but that's just single guy talk for good-bye.
Like when you say, "sure I love you, baby.
" That means it's over.
Good morning, deanna.
Good morning, doctor.
The patient's all prepped.
Thank you.
Would you please pass me the periodontal probe? Deanna? Oh! Just checking to see if phil returned my text.
But he hasn't.
Uh, the probe? Oh, sorry.
There you go, doctor.
'kay, that's a pen.
Now, why hasn't phil called? You heard him.
He said, "baby, I'll call you.
" Well, but then you said, "okay, sure, whatever.
" Yeah, but that's just single girl talk for, "I just had sex with you, you'd better call soon.
" Why don't we get back to work? Um Would you hand me the tongue retractor please? Oh.
[cell phone ringing.]
phil? No, mom.
He hasn't called yet.
Well, how the hell do I know why? Uh, deanna? Just give me a minute! Hi, hi.
Oh, hey, eden.
Once again, your clothes were a hit.
Um, now you might find a few tiny mirrors Stuck to the butt.
On a dare, I took a spin on a disco ball.
So, holly, for tonight I was thinking The dolce and a chanel with a fendi.
You can have them all.
On one condition.
What? Take me with you.
I'm sick of my clothes Having a better social life than I do.
I need to get out, I need to have fun.
I need to get mirror balls stuck to my ass.
It's about time.
Stick with me And you'll do things you're ashamed of for years.
Hey, check me out.
I'm the pope.
Yeah, that'sThat's nice.
Hey, hey.
Look at me.
I'm eating walnuts.
No pain.
That makes one of us.
W-w-what happened? Well, remember how you said deanna was cool With it being just a little one-time thing? Uh-huh.
Turns out she isn't.
She was waiting all day for you to call her.
Yeah, that happens.
Sometimes you snag a clinger.
[knock at door.]
what's a clinger? Hi, phil.
Hey.
Deanna, everything okay? Oh, fine.
But you left your coffee mug at work, And I thought you might need it.
Oh, you mean the coffee mug I leave at work every day? Do you? I hadn't real-- hey, phil! So I had a great time with you last night.
So did I.
So maybe we could go out again sometime.
Uh, yeah.
Sure.
Absolutely.
Well, I'm here now.
So let's go for a drink.
You know, I'd love to, but the thing is The thing is, you don't want to see me anymore.
No, actually-- oh, no.
It's happening again.
Oh, god.
I meet a really nice guy, And I think there's a connection, And I jump into bed way too soon, And then here I am.
Whoo, I'm an idiot.
No, deanna, it's okay.
No, it's not.
It's not.
I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like a fool.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
Deanna, look, you're a wonderful person.
Oh, my god.
This whole thing has been so humiliating.
Dr.
Gardner, I'm sorry.
I don't think I can work for you anymore.
What? No, deanna, don't say that.
We've been together for years.
We're a team.
But seeing you reminds me of phil.
And he reminds me of every bad choice I've ever made.
I'm sorry, dr.
Gardner.
I quit.
Did I hear a door slam? Yep, that was stuart's assistant.
I missed her again? Hey, stuart? Uh, might've misjudged this one.
Sorry.
You couldn't have slept with my receptionist? I've been trying to fire her for years.
What do you want me to do? I want you to fix deanna.
I want you to make her feel better about herself.
Like she hasn't been rejected yet again.
How am I supposed to do that? Date her for the rest of my life? Tell her that you're gay.
Get out of here.
Oh, oh, oh.
Actually, that's brilliant.
I mean, if you're gay, she can't take it personally.
Forget it.
Phil, come on, man.
I need you to do this for me.
Ever since my divorce, being a dentist Is the only part of my life that I can depend on.
I-I-it's my sanctuary.
And without deanna, that's all gone.
Please do this for me, as a friend.
Stuart, no.
No way.
Listen, your practice might be your sanctuary.
My dating life is mine.
This news could tweet around the world Before I even got home, And the last thing I need is women in bars asking, "why is gay phil hitting on me?" "why is gay phil hitting on me?" No! No! No, no, no! No! What a drama queen.
God, this is fun.
I gotta let loose more often, man.
How long has it been since you went clubbing? Oh, gosh.
When did people start using cell phones? Look, we're next.
All right.
Stick close.
They know me here.
Okay.
Oh, what's up, eden? Hey, bradford.
Hey, bradford.
Uh, tonight it's me plus one.
Well, you're no problem.
But your plus one is.
What's wrong with her plus one? Well, this place has an image They're trying to maintain.
They want the crowd to have a certain Look.
And I don't have that look? Probably did in the 90s.
Do you see anybody else over 25 here? No.
It's just us gen-x, y, z What letter are we on now? I'm sorry.
I-I can't let you in.
Well, I-if she's not going in, neither am I, all right? And you're really gonna feel it at the bar.
Suit yourself.
Hurry, hurry.
Hi, bradford.
Just, uh, testing out your rope.
It's, it's real strong.
Just like you.
Please step back.
Look, bradford, I gotta get in there and have some fun.
Okay? I haven't been out in a long, long time.
I'm getting that.
Fine.
I don't want to go in your stupid club anyway.
I mean, I-I have a very fulfilling life.
I am a partner in a major law firm So I don't need to waste my time Partying with a bunch of toddlers.
Oh, and by the way, kids, the 90s were awesome.
We all had money, And getting through the airport was a breeze.
Oh, sir? Um, it looks like your shoe's untied there.
Yeah, I know.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Thanks, yeah.
Oof.
Thanks, honey.
I gotta get up here.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Ah.
Oh.
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, I'm getting in.
Ha, ha.
Hey, you.
I-in the third stall.
Could you pull me in? Well, thanks for meeting me, deanna.
Look, there must be something that I can do To convince you to stay.
The patients need you.
I need you.
Please, come back.
I'm sorry, dr.
Gardner, I can't.
Even this feels awkward.
I'm gay.
What? Deanna, I'm sorry I came across so Incredibly heterosexual the other day.
But I'm not.
I'm gay.
I'm proud of you, phil.
For being such a proud gay man.
Wait a minute.
I see what's going on here.
I'm not an idiot, although I feel like one.
Now it all makes sense.
Your divorce, moving in with two men.
You're gay, too, aren't you, dr.
Gardner? Me? No.
No, I'm not gay.
Oh, stuart, drop the facade.
Stuart and I are lovers.
But I don't get it.
Why did you sleep with me? Well, we had a fight, and I lashed out By jumping into bed with you.
But the whole time, all I could think about Was my beef stu.
Well, no wonder you didn't return my calls.
At least now I know it's not me.
So how serious are you guys? Well, we just celebrated an anniversary.
Congratulations! Well, I will see you at the office, dr.
Gardner.
And don't worry I won't tell anyone until you're ready.
Hopefully, that'll be soon.
Aww! So, honey, are you happy? Aw, thanks for coming through for me, man.
All right.
Consider it an anniversary present.
Hey, haskell, what's up? Oh, look at this.
No more napkin animals, huh? You finally kicked the habit.
I realized that making things out of napkins Was a waste of time.
So I moved on To straws.
Here.
Hey, guys.
Hey, holly.
Whoa.
Y-you okay? Oh, yeah.
Where have you been? Oh, well, I went to a club.
Yeah, I had to scale a building And jump through a window to get in.
But I got there.
Yeah, I danced, I did shots, I made out with a stranger Lost an earring and my driver's license, And broke my heel slipping on puke.
But guess what? I was out past 10:00.
All: Yay! Another round!