The Expanding Universe of Ashley Garcia (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Hey.
How was Olvera Street?
You didn't send me any pictures.
I've been in the dark
for four whole hours.
That's like six Queer Eyes.
It was amazing.
The cute little shops, the culture,
-all that champurrado.
-What's champurrado?
Mexican hot chocolate.
We had 12.
Combined.
Tad drank 11.
Anyway, thanks again
for taking me there, Tad.
You're welcome.
Today is a day I will always remember.
[laughs] Aww.
Because I am super lactose intolerant.
I need some tummy tea.
So how was it really?
Tell me about your date.
It was not a date.
I will be the judge of that.
Well, first, he held the door open for me.
-Date-ish.
-He paid.
Very date-ish.
He ordered a bean burrito
with extra onions.
Definitely not date-ish.
Well, it was never going to be a date
for the simple fact
that he's dating Bella.
Well, did you at least get to do
some shopping?
Almost.
There were these cute rag dolls.
I heard my mom's voice saying,
"Ashley, you've outgrown dolls.
You're six."
But part of me was tempted.
Sometimes, you want something
just 'cause it's so cute.
I know you do.
Hey.
What's this in my scone?
-[sighs]
-I believe this is yours.
I thought you said you were buying this
for a friend.
I was.
Thanks, Tad. I love it.
It seemed like you really wanted it.
You kept looking at it and whispering,
"I really want you."
Hey, look. Bella's here.
Um, okay.
Could you guys not mention anything
about us going to Olvera Street?
Things are going really great between us
right now, and it's
Look casual!
[laughs] Hey, Bella!
There's my champ! Ooh!
Oh, that hug was the high point of my day.
Tough rehearsal?
It was an emotional roller coaster.
I was dancing next to Gucci Mane,
and his wife got jealous
and put me in the back.
No.
And then, the staging was so lame
without me
that Gucci brought me back to the front.
Mrs. Mane was so mad.
Yes! It all worked out.
[sighs] Not exactly.
The shoot dates for the video got moved,
and now I won't be able to make it
to your game.
I'm so sorry, oodle-doodle.
Miss my game? Really?
How are you making this
about you right now?
You're right. I'm sorry.
Oh, you are so perfect.
Cool ugly doll. Where'd you get it?
I-- My mom gave it to me.
[laughs] She loves these things.
See, when I was little--
Uh-huh. Can you buy me an acai bowl,
cuddle puddle?
The food at rehearsal was so lame,
I am traumatized.
The tempeh wasn't even organic.
Sorr-- What's tempeh again?
[exclaims]
It is like tofu, only with more fiber.
Do you even listen to me?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-Bella seems a little
-A lot?
Exactly. He can't be honest with her.
He walks on eggshells,
they're always fighting
Why does Tad put up with it?
Because two minutes later,
they're making out again.
-[Bella laughs]
-Sometimes less.
It's gotta be more than that.
Does it?
[theme music playing]
Okay, Coach, moving on to item three.
I've found something
I think will really help the team.
Stick, for the last time, I don't care
what kind of new detergent you're using
or how soft you were able
to make the jerseys.
All due respect,
you don't wear the jerseys.
Check this out.
This could really help the players relax
when they're not on the field.
-You have to try it.
-No.
-Why not?
-Because, first of all
I said so.
Second of all, I'm breaking in a new cap.
I steamed it this morning
to get the right shape,
and now I'm supposed to wear it
for ten hou--
-Wow. That feels great.
-Right? And that's through a cap.
Imagine it directly on your scalp.
I already have.
This is mine now.
Okay, moving on to item four.
I've been running some numbers, and--
Okay, what's with the magazines?
Research.
Sports Illustrated wants to interview me
for a piece about high school football.
They're coming to the game on Friday.
I thought you don't talk to reporters
ever since that
thing that we don't mention happened.
I'm not scared to talk about it.
I missed a field goal.
I lost my confidence.
I was called a loser
by every sports reporter in North America.
I'm fine, we're fine, everybody's fine.
Don't forget that hilarious supercut
of all your tantrums
which I have never seen.
An article about me coaching
a successful team can change everything.
And the best part?
Kids everywhere will see
that you can overcome any adversity.
Also, one positive article
could change your top hit on Google.
Huh. I hadn't thought of that.
Wanna see something cool?
Nobody cares about how soft
you can get the jerseys, Stick.
Hurtful.
That reminds me, tío Victor.
I looked into it,
and if three additional outlets link
to the article,
it'll totally change your top hit
on Google.
I don't remember asking about that,
but it's good to know.
Now, can I show you this cool,
non-jersey thing?
I've been running analytics
on the team's performance.
Turns out Tad plays well whenever he has
what he calls his "lucky headband."
See, he lost it for these games.
When he found it again,
his completion percentage spiked.
-Stick, this is amazing.
-Yep.
We're practically guaranteed to win
as long as he has that headband.
I lost my lucky headband.
I'm dead. I'll lose everything:
my shot at college,
the respect of my peers,
my father's conditional love.
-Try this.
-Seriously, Coach,
that's not gonna help me at all
[moans] Uh-huh.
All right, that's enough for you.
You're gonna dull the scratchy bits.
Hey, guys, this is ridiculous.
Tad's talent has nothing to do
with this stretchy piece of terry cloth.
Actually,
the entire concept of superstition
has absolutely
no scientific basis whatsoever.
Tell that to Michael Jordan.
He wore his Tar Heel shorts
under his uniform
during every Bulls game.
Correlation does not equal causation.
Six championship rings, Ash! Six!
I found her!
Bandy.
I thought you were gone.
You were just hiding in my ketchup pocket.
You keep ketchup packets in your pocket?
I don't have a purse like you guys.
Bandy's looking a little
What's the word? Yuck.
Do you ever clean that thing?
[scoffs] And wash away all the luck?
Clearly, you don't understand
how luck works.
[phone chimes]
Oh.
-What is it?
-The writer from SI just emailed me.
They're bringing a camera crew to the game
to film the interview.
Where are you going?
To get a facial
for my on-camera interview.
The game's not for two days.
You don't get a facial
on the day of an event.
[laughs] Have I taught you nothing?
He's not wrong.
This thing really can't be that good.
Oh, my God. [sighs]
Why would anyone do anything else?
Tad never gives himself credit
for anything.
It's infuriating.
Last week, he got a B+ on a history test,
and he gave me all the credit for it.
What's wrong with that?
I tutored him in math.
I just want Tad to believe in himself.
He's successful because of his talent
and hard work,
not because of some stupid sweatband.
But the only way to show him that
would be to duplicate,
and then swap out the headband
without Tad's knowledge.
We need to do that.
But what if that makes them lose?
I mean, we need to win every game
to get to the playoffs.
Switching the headband
will have no effect.
No study in the world
has ever proven that magic is real.
[laughs] I know a David Blaine special
that would beg to differ.
A TV special is not technically
a scientific study.
You see
We'll circle back.
Right now, we need a plan.
Got it. We go to the game,
sneak on to the field,
swipe Tad's headband off his head,
then without him or any of the 400 fans
or your uncle noticing,
we sneak the fake headband back
on Tad's head.
Can we actually pull that off?
Who knows? This is so exciting.
See what I got here. Tad's headband.
You kidnapped Bandy?
Nope. This is Bandy Two.
I took a brand-new sweatband
and matched it to this picture.
Soaked it in tea overnight. [laughs]
Ooh! I like bad Ashley.
It looks right, but
well, what about the smell?
Got that covered.
Pungent body odor is caused
by a chemical compound
called trimethylamine,
which is also found
in many household foods:
eggs, milk, beans
and most famously
Why would you think I know this?
Shellfish.
Of course.
And we rub.
You know, before you moved back,
I didn't spend my days like this.
[sniffs]
It's not quite Tad. Something's missing.
-What's that?
-Axe Body Spray sample.
[Brooke] Hmm.
[sniffing]
Bold, yet understated.
With a hint of fish.
It's perfect.
All that's missing is the luck.
Kidding.
Hey, girls.
[Ashley] What's with the fancy suit?
Oh, this old thing?
The tag's still on.
Nordstrom Rack? Ooh-la-la.
Oh, don't pull that off.
This has to go back.
Does this new look
have something to do
with a Sports Illustrated
interview tonight?
Yes. I gotta make sure
I look like a winner,
and for insurance,
I have a few tricks up my sleeve
and one in my pocket.
-Did you buy a Ferrari?
-I did
for ten hours.
We should probably get down
to the game, too.
Wait,
how are we gonna switch out the headbands?
-You didn't think of that, did you?
-Didn't I?
-[cheering]
-[whistle blows]
[man] Touchdown, Crown City High.
Tad just threw a touchdown pass,
which means
Six points, right?
Very good for your first game.
Tad read the blitz, called an audible,
found a hole in the secondary,
leaving a wideout
with man-to-man in open field.
Show off. [laughs]
-Oh, look, here comes the wave.
-The what?
[crowd cheering]
[sighs] Oh, wow. Fascinating application
of a metachronal rhythm.
Seriously, you never went
to any of your uncle's football games?
My mom thinks football
is a violent patriarchal institution
that reinforces hegemonic masculinity.
With hot dogs. [laughs]
Growing up with a mom
who's a sociology professor
sounds like a nonstop party.
My mom thinks that part--
Your mom's not here.
Whoo! Way to go, defense.
That's what I'm talking about, baby.
Whoo!
Whoo!
You know
I would never tell you how to do your job,
but I thought we could start
with me giving a pep talk to the team,
working on some plays,
maybe a shot of the fans hoisting me
on their shoulders.
You know, slice of life stuff.
Thanks, I think we're just gonna try
and see where the story takes us.
Got it. Keep it organic.
-Stick.
-Hmm.
I've been thinking.
I know you wanted to put on
a British accent
to talk to the interviewer,
but it's weird.
[British accent] But I worked
so bloomin' hard on me character.
[normal] Right.
Hup! Look who's here,
my equipment manager Stick Goldstein.
Coach,
I just wanted to let you know that my mom
is in the stands tonight, and
it's a real emotional night for her.
See, the
[sobbing] the doctor said
I'd never be an equipment manager.
But he saw something in me.
I am sorry. I rehearsed it this way.
Okay, bye, Stick.
Transfer student from Hogwarts.
Coach.
Will you take a picture
with little Victor?
I named him after you.
-[laughing] Of course.
-[cooing]
-[camera shutter clicks]
-[both] Aww.
[woman laughs]
Thank you, Coach.
Oh.
Your team loves you,
the community loves you,
and you're up by three touchdowns.
It's like the whole night's scripted.
[laughing] Almost.
Great job. You really sold it.
My baby skipped his nap to be here.
Well played, Mama.
[cheering]
[man] Touchdown pass, Tad Cameron,
his third.
Crown City High, 20.
Narbonne, goose egg.
This is exciting. Touchdowns, hot dogs
If my mom could see me now.
-You're really living on the edge, Ash.
-I really am.
Okay, we have a good baseline
for Tad's performance
wearing the "lucky headband."
Narbonne's taking the field.
It's time to go down to the sidelines.
You mean initiate phase two?
I love it when you heist talk.
-Wait.
-What is it?
-The wave's coming back around.
-Oh.
This is so fun.
Okay, Ash. We just got a big lead.
Time to switch out Tad's headband
for the fake.
What are you doing? Are you coming?
I'm a little nervous.
Ash, this is your chance to prove
that Bandy is worthless,
and Tad should believe in himself.
Look, he's on the bench,
your uncle's busy with his interview,
-it's go time.
-I'm out of my element!
If I take chances in the lab,
worst that could happen
is Russia beats us to Mars.
Here, if I get caught,
I could get grounded.
You owe this to science.
You owe this to Tad,
and you owe this to me a little bit,
because I got really excited.
You're right. This is for Tad.
Oh, no, Stick!
He's gonna blow this whole thing.
I will take care of him. Let's go.
-Hey, Stick.
-Oh.
Hey, Brooke. What are you doing here?
I just came down to tell you that the
uniforms are looking
extra soft today.
They look soft?
They are so soft,
you can practically see the soft.
Hold on, you're telling me,
you came all the way down to the field
just to talk to me about the great job
I'm doing with the team's laundry?
Mm-hmm.
Finally, someone gets it. Oh.
Where do I start?
Well, it turns out the key
is water temperature
Not too hot, not too cold,
but warm is where it's at.
But not too warm,
'cause then we're veering
into hot territory, and it is terrible.
Hey, Tad, great quarterbacking.
[mutters] Hey, Ashley. Thanks.
Wait, what are you doing down here?
I just came to see if you wanted
a mid-game head scratch.
Release some of that tension.
-Oh, yeah. Gimme, gimme.
-No.
I mean, no.
You should keep your arm rested.
You know, for throwing.
-Allow me?
-Good call.
[moans]
Turns out you don't wanna put the jerseys
in the dryer,
'cause then the numbers actually peel off,
and that was such an ordeal.
[shouting cheers]
[cheerleaders] Defense, defense, fight..
All done, gotta go.
Thank you.
Now, to watch my hypothesis bear out.
Superstition has absolutely no effect
on performance.
-[whistle blows]
-[crowd groans]
[man] The Narbonne Bears intercept.
That's not supposed to happen.
It's one interception, Brooke.
After throwing
22 straight completions today,
it would defy the odds
if Tad didn't throw an interception.
But he hasn't thrown an interception
in five games.
Okay, well,
one bad play doesn't mean anything.
[jeering]
Another interception?
It's two bad plays.
-It's not statistically relevant.
-Yeah.
[jeering]
That's Tad's third interception.
Now, we're down by four.
We gotta switch the headband back.
But you said superstition
has no scientific basis.
What do I know?
There are plenty of phenomena
that science can't explain.
And that black magic Bandy's
gotta get back on Tad's head, pronto.
-[gasping]
-Okay. Let's do it.
[both] Give me the headband!
[both] I thought you had it!
The headband could be anywhere.
Any one of these guys
could be sitting on it.
How are we gonna get them to stand up?
I got this.
Get up! All of you, now!
What? Who are you?
Football inspectors. [clucks]
Football inspectors?
Bench division.
Yeah, we'll be asking the questions.
You see this?
Move! Go!
[gasps] Nothing's here.
Okay, it's gotta be down here somewhere.
I'll check the snack bar.
Full disclosure, I need a pretzel.
Tad, throw it! Bernie's wide open!
-Throw it now! Throw--
-[crowd groans]
Not to me!
Oh, no, no, Tad, what are you doing?
It's Narbonne! Nobody loses to Narbonne!
I mean, we had this game in the bag!
[shouts]
Ha! Ha-ha.
See
And that's an example of the kind
of tantrum I don't have anymore.
Bad news, Coach.
The Ferrari you rented just got towed.
Of course it did.
I'm cursed. How else can you explain
all this bad luck?
Well, um, I might be able to explain it.
You see, I was trying to prove
that there's no such thing as sup--
-Just one more question, Coach.
-In a minute, Ash.
Seeing your team collapse like this
must be bringing you back
a lot of familiar feelings.
Is it tough to find out
your golden boy Tad Cameron
chokes under pressure just like you did?
Write whatever you want about me,
but leave Tad out of it.
One game does not define who he is.
Now, we can lose the rest of our games,
and every single one of these guys
would still be winners.
So, go ahead, dredge up my big choke,
but if that hadn't happened,
I wouldn't be coaching these kids today.
Which is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Quite a speech. I think I have my story.
Tío, that was great.
And I love that you don't think
winning is everything.
Winning isn't everything.
But losing hurts.
Ash, you were right.
Tad's stupid headband doesn't work.
He's completely blown our lead.
Michael Jordan wore those dirty shorts
for nothing.
Oh, God, 15 seconds left, down by four.
Time for one more play.
All we need is a huge miracle.
Oh, my God, it's a miracle!
Um, Stick,
I need to get Tad off the field.
I need to give him something.
It's important.
Too late. He just took the snap.
Oh, man, I can't watch.
He's gonna run with it.
He just broke a tackle.
-He broke another.
-He broke free.
-He could go all the way!
-He's at the 20!
He's at the ten!
-Touchdown!
-[shouting]
[man] Touchdown. Crown City High.
Oh, I love winning so much!
You see? Superstition, I knew it was real.
That boy and his headband
are going straight to the Hall of Fame.
Whoo!
[exhales]
What were you trying to tell me before?
[stammers]
Oh, I just wanted to tell you that
the tag fell off of your coat,
so you can't return it.
You kidding?
I'm gonna wear this to every game.
I'm never gonna wash it.
That's what I'm talking about, baby!
That's what I'm talking about!
[team chanting] Royals! Royals!
Royals! Royals!
Yeah, great job, Tad. [grunts]
Hey, you really dug us out of that hole
that you got us into in the first place.
It's like something just came over me.
-It's a perfect night.
-Here's the address to the impound lot.
Way to keep the party going.
Hey, Ash.
They gave me the game ball, but
I'll trade you for that head-scratcher.
Tad, I feel awful about what I'm about
to tell you, but
I'd feel even worse if I didn't.
In the middle of the game today,
when I was giving you that head massage,
I switched out your lucky headband--
Bandy?
Yes, Bandy.
I switched her out for a fake headband.
A Fandy?
Sure. The point is
here's the real Bandy.
I'm really sorry, Tad.
But luck had nothing to do
with you winning the game today,
because there's only one thing
responsible for your success.
And that thing is a person.
And you know who that is?
It is
-Bella!
-What?
There's my champ! [giggles]
-I thought you had a video shoot.
-[Bella] It wrapped early.
I whipped those dancers into shape.
And I told them if they messed up,
I'd slash their tires.
We nailed it, first take.
[Tad] I'm so glad you made it, babe.
Oh, I had to be here, oodle-doodle.
I'm your lucky charm.
Yeah.
Bella showed up
right before that last play.
I saw her in the stands.
She smiled at me,
and I felt like a winner.
More than a winner, I felt like Superman.
I guess you're right, Ashley.
I didn't need this stupid headband
after all.
Let's go, Superman.
Oh, my God. Tad was so close
to giving himself credit, and
Bella ruined your entire experiment.
No, it was my fault
for not anticipating the Bella factor.
I proved that superstition isn't real,
but inspiration is.
So, she is his good luck charm?
No. What Bella does is real,
and now I understand why they're together.
She makes him feel like
he can do anything.
She makes him believe in himself.
And now that I get that,
I don't feel so good.
I think this'll help.
Come on, it's coming around again.
[laughs] Did it help?
Not at all.
-Hey.
-Hey. Okay.
The article's been out a day.
I'm gonna Google myself.
It's been out a whole day?
Why didn't you tell me? What does it say?
I've been too afraid to check.
The story could've gone either way.
I just don't want my top Google hit
to still say that I'm a loser.
I'm here for you, tío.
It's time to Google yourself.
I can't look.
The article's your top hit!
"Sports Illustrated:
You Can't Spell Victory
Without Victor Garcia."
It's cheesy, but I'll take it.
"High school football coach
Victor Garcia,
the once-promising NFL kicker,
is now scoring points
where it really counts:
teaching his young players
what it truly means to be a winner."
-Tío, this is great.
-Oh.
-They love you.
-It's a nice article,
but do I look like a man
who needs external validation?
-There's pictures.
-Where? Click them now.
No one reads words.
Nobody loses to Narbonne!
I mean, we had this game in the bag!
[shouting]
-Yeesh!
-We don't have to look at this.
Look at that form.
That down perfect follow through.
That would've been good from 60 yards.
[laughs] You still got it, Garcia.
Whoo! Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna leave you two alone.
[theme music playing]