The Fast Show s01e05 Episode Script
Cemetery
Sad day.
Buryin' me friend Albert, today.
Droppin' like flies the' are now.
All me old comrades.
So I'm off t' funeral at local cemetry.
Though, knowin' my luck, summat'll prob'ly go tragically wrong.
Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
To waste our lives would be a sin, release me and let me love again.
Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
Let me out! Let me out! You've burried wrong bloke! It were Albert you were supposed t' be burryin'! Ohh, bugger Hi, I'm Ed Winchestaaaaahhhhhhhh! Darn.
and the question surely is, is there enough news to actually justify a rolling news service? The question that always bothers me is, how one actually defines news.
I mean, the tabloids seem to treat any old bit of showbiz gossip as front page headline news.
Whereas war only merits a tiny mention on, on page ten.
Yes, news is becoming just another branch of light entertainment.
Eh, you know those silly bits, at the end of the news? Oh, yes.
You know, about dogs an' cats an' that gettin' stuck up a tree? Yes? They really cheer you up, don't they? They really make me laugh.
Can anybody remember where I put me coat? Look, Shirl, I'm sorry love, but I'm gonna be late again tonight.
You bastard, you promised.
That's the third time this week.
Don't do it, my mother told me.
Don't be a copper's wife.
But I told myself I could cope.
Cope with the pressure, the anxiety, never been able to make any plans.
The sleepless nights, waitin' for the phone call to say you'd been maimed or killed or or worse! But I won't be all night out, the lads are about to make a breakthrough.
Oh, the "Lads".
The bloody "Lads".
You think more about those lads than you do about me an' Tommy.
Look, we're very close to crackin' it.
They'll 'ave me out this chair in no time.
Yeah! Yeah! Don't worry, Shirl, we'll 'ave 'im out in no time! Cor.
You know, isn't it? Mmm? Whither the father and son, cheering from the terraces? Only yesteryear? Rattle in hand? Good natured applause for the opposing team? Half-time? Peanuts! Peanuts! Rebar! Whither the peanuts of yesteryear.
I mean, do we have a rosy view of the past? Isn't it? Cheery milkmen, vicars on bicycles? Huh! Luncheon meat, Bartlett pear halves? Laughing policemen? Clip round the ear? Move along, son! Thre'penny bits? Small boys? Grazed knees? Hmm? Hu-hoo! Witch-hazel! Ouch! Ooh! Kiss it better, mummy! Mmm? You know, isn't it? Aww.
Mind you, at least these days we've got Baywatch, haven't we? Har.
Morning, Andy.
Look, Karen, please see sense.
People are bound to find out, it's only a small office.
Think of the gossip.
And what about us? We get on really well.
We're good friends.
D'you want to chuck all that away for one night of passion? Morning, Andy.
I suppose we could use your car! D'you want to sign Ken's card, Andy? Not in front of everyone, Maria! - What? Look, sit-down, please, just sit-down.
You know, we've got to stop this now.
You know I'm never gonna leave my wife.
It's not fair on her, on you, me, the kids, anyone.
We'll all end up as victims.
So you don't want to sign it, then? Look, I'll meet you tonight in the pub.
I'll be in disguise.
This is madness, you know.
Andy, this is Christine, she's just come to join us in Accounts.
It's her first day.
Hello, pleased to meet you.
Look, Christine, forget it.
It's over.
Republicca presente Bono estente.
- Bono estente.
Mia incalameros tefulu menafulu ral chess.
E "Crazy World of Arthur Brown".
Aheth-eth-eth, peth-eth-eth-eth-eth-eth-eth, pippi snaa! Publi pantheros dia fantera oo cromos ee-ah-eh tete-a-tete pickety witch.
Andre pop explosionos bee-bah-beh Kilroy.
Fila a fala fell canteros anterior crotchet ligament.
Presidentos reporto governmento democracias, "Sminki-pinki-bang-bang!" Hook-splat! Meth-eth-eth-eth-eth Presidentos reporto governmento democracias, "Sminki-pinki-bang-bang!" "Minki-pinki-bang-bang!" "Bang-bang! Bang-bang!" B.
A.
Robertson.
Speciale report.
Mia patretas mumu.
Monte-cristo vu hendras tenyak! Uh? Lox exa miti cashtozi y katawi.
Shtra y cas bonu! Problematicas technicas speciale report.
Er Bonza bit vega utra sten resultarios.
Ni! Ni! Speciale Report! Vita! Vita! Aieeee! Mek nek speciale report.
Pia prum pastadi benes iscandenta! Ah, problematica technique, apologia.
Reportos meteorologicos mit Poula.
Ah, Poula! Poula! Oh! Bono estente.
Oh! Scorchio! Stupido! Classicos de para dos meterology a Valley Portos scorchio! In lea conya tera anterior scorchio! E nu como a ta exterior scorchio! Scorchio! Scorchio! Scorchio! Scorchio! Filendaro Chris Waddle.
Oi! Mate! Oi! Mate! Oi! Pssst! Here Oi! 'ey! Oi! Matey! 'ey! Skip! You ain't seen me, right? Andy, I've got something on that share-option.
It makes some pretty interesting reading.
Ted I don't really know how to say this without hurting you an' I'm very flattered an' all that but, basically, I'm just not gay.
I was educated at the Woodrow Wilson Institute of Science, between the years 1967 and 1969.
At this time, people like Professor Timothy Leary were advocating philosophies such as, "tune in, turn on, drop out".
And there was also the heavy use of hallucinogenic drugs.
Can I just say at this point, that these theories in no way affected my research and my philosophy.
And what exactly are you researching at the moment, Professor Dexter? Spacebats.
Spacebats? You bet your ass! Good morning, sir.
How are we today, sir? Oh, fine, thanks.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Dear me, no.
I'm sorry? Sir's been a trifle rude, hasn't sir? The gentleman asked you how you were, and you failed to ask him back, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry, 'ow are you? Radiant, sir.
Radiant.
What can I do for you, sir? I, wanna see a summer suit.
Summink light, y'know? Ooh! Summer suit, sir? Ooh! Suits you, sir.
Ken! Summer suit? Easy drop? Easy drop, is it? Easy drop, Ken.
Suit you, sir.
Ooh! Sir will look the bees-knees in a summer suit.
Ooh! Picture you now, sir, strolling for the park.
Your cream suit.
Fresh.
Crisp.
Flowing beautifully as you push your lady wife up against a tree and give her a jolly good seeing-to.
Suits you.
What did you say, then? Give her a jolly good seeing-to, sir.
You takin' the piss? Is there a problem, Kenneth? Yeah, there is a problem.
Why, sir? Doesn't the lady want it, sir? Doesn't she want it, sir? Ooh! Have you tried tying her up, sir? Eek! Ooh! Suits you.
Get me the manager! I wanna see the manager! You want the manager, do you, madam? Yes, I do.
You want me to lose my job, do you? - I don't care! Very well, then.
Mr Hobson! Madam's done it now, madam.
- Fine.
Can I help, madam? Are you the manager? - Yes.
This man insulted me.
Was it done with any style? He made an obscene suggestion regarding me and my husband! I see.
Was there by any chance a tree involved? There was, as a matter of fact.
I see.
This isn't the first time this has happened.
Oh.
Did you make these suggestions, Kenneth? I'm afraid I did, sir.
Yeah, then Laughing-Boy 'ere suggested I tie 'er up! Tie her up, sir? Yeah! Ooh! Tie her up? Ooh! Suits you! Ooh! Up against a tree? Very bacchanalian, sir.
Ooh! Was there a suggestion of a blindfold? Ooh! Ooh! A suggestion of handcuffs? Eek! Suits you! Ice cubes? Eek! Ooh! Prince Albert? Eek! Is that the noise you make, madam? Eek! Eek! Ooh! Do you want it, sir? Do you want it, madam? to do wet.
I'm sorry, sir, I didn't catch a word o' that.
I was just saying, we, er, may get a bit of rain, later, Ted.
Er, maybe, sir.
That's a dramatic sky, isn't it? See the way the winds, tugging those clouds along.
It's so typically English.
That's a constable sky, isn't it, Ted? It's Turner Gainsborough it's the music of Elgar and Vaughn Williams.
It's picnics with scotch-eggs and pork pies, and rain just spattering on to white linen table-cloth.
It's summer holidays on the beach, huddled beneath the blanket, sheltering from the wind.
Some memories are so vivid aren't they, Ted? Remember the time we pulled that big old oak tree from the brook, after the storm I must be gettin' back to work now, sir.
Yes, of course you must.
I I've monopolised your time somewhat, Ted.
Er, I must things to do myself.
What's it all about, Ted? Life.
All this.
Well, the way I look at it, sir, is, you're born, and, er, when you're number's up, you're gone.
And, er, anything between, well, that's a bonus, isn't it, sir? You put it so much better than I ever could, Ted.
Listen, Ted.
I'm just rattling around in the big house up there all by myself.
Erm, when you're done here, why not, erm pop up for a glass of sherry? I don't think so, sir.
No.
No, perhaps not.
Erm, you've probably got to get back to Mrs Ted.
She'll be puttin' me tea on now, sir.
Bloody good woman, Mrs Ted.
Bloody good.
You're you're really so lucky to have someone like Mrs Ted.
Very so lucky.
I, er, erm, well, perhaps I'll see you in the pub, later? You can introduce me to some of your friends! Perhaps.
Maybe, sir.
Oi, did I ever tell you about my mate, Micky Lyons? Lived down the end o' my street, endest 'ouse? Lovely bloke.
Always doin' 'at.
Freak o' nature, no earlobes.
Anyway, one day, he comes in from work, an' there's a note propped up by the clock in the front room, from 'is misses.
She's left 'im.
D'you know why? I tell you why, he smoked too much, he drinked too much, he ate too much, he spent too much time down the snooker 'all, he spent to much time doin' 'at, and he was too short.
Well, Micky Lyons was gutted.
He loved that woman.
She was 'is life.
Apart from the snooker, and the drinkin', and the smokin', and doin' 'at, y'know.
So, he vowed to get 'er back.
I tell ya what he done.
He give up smokin'.
He went on a diet.
He gave up playin' snooker.
An' he gave up doin' 'at, an' he loved doin' 'at, Micky.
But, the tricky one was, how to stop bein' short.
Right? So what he done, he tried everythin'.
He tried weights, he tried stretchin', he tried lyin' on boards, he 'ung out o' window ledges, he done bungee jumpin', he done judo, he done ballit, he done key down the back o' the neck, he done glass o' water upside down, everyfing to try to gain that extra 'eight.
And could he do it? Yeah, he did as it goes.
He grew two inches.
Did she go back to him? Did she f- six gerbils.
Nyah futremos, de Lone Ranger.
And Tonto.
Piti piti Sir John Gielgud.
Peth-eth-eth-eth-eth, keth-eth-eth-eth-eth, messargo commerciali von sponsoro.
Mia vol republica recorda ses "Greatest Hits von Trudi".
Mi camperos coo coo caros, yapandrayos papandrayos, scutu canthos, meladios, sminki pinki y pippi snaa! E tuto canthos retards.
Heth-eth-eth-eth eth-eth-eth-eth-eth, yeth-eth-eth-eth eth-eth-eth-eth-eth, keth-eth-eth-eth eth-eth-eth-eth, meth-eth-eth-eth eth-eth-eth-eth-eth.
Eh! "Meth-eth-eth-eth-eth".
E cupalacos tragicos, "Chris Waddle".
Chriiiiiiiis Waddlllllllllle! Chriiiiiiiis Waddlllllllllle! Chriiiiiiiis Waddlllllllllle! Andrevaaaaaa para me! Dia "Day we went to Bangor", "Smoke on the water", "Pighardia!" y "Boutros, boutros ghali".
Speciali promozione! Beneres, nikko fuerto tippo magico te "Gizmo Gizmo!" Novello proboscis Hi! I'm Ed Winchester.
Er, no I'm not, I'm not quite sure why I said that.
Oh, we've just come back from London, the capital city, there's so much to see and do, y'know.
But everything's so far apart.
I said to Roy, "Ooh, me poor plates of meat".
What did I say, Roy? Me poor plates o' meat.
And y'know, we went to see "Les Miserables", y'know.
Oh, it's really disappointing, it's all singing, y'know.
No storyline.
Oh, the tourists, they were all queuein' up outside for their tickets.
I said to Roy, "It's a good job we booked ours on the dog an' bone.
" What did I say, Roy? It's a good job we booked on the dog an' bone.
Ooh, we went for a smashin' meal at a Bernie Inn, meself an' Roy.
Big fans o' Bernie Inns.
An' now there's Harvester, y'know, what can you do? But there was, like, no room on the ground floor, but the waiter found us a table up the apples an' pears.
Where were the tables, Roy? - Up the apples an' pears.
Oh, the waiter, he was cheeky, y'know.
A real Cockney type.
But nice with it, y'know.
An' he said to Roy, he said, "Is this your daughter?" about me! An' Roy said, "No, it's me wife.
" What did you say, Roy? It's me trouble an' strife.
Don't make me beat you again.
Roy.
Another Manhattan morning! A new Manhattan day is dawning!" Shore leave! Shore leave! We got shore leave! New York! The Big Apple! Manhattan! Wow! An' we got a twenty four hour shore leave! What are you gonna do, Tony? Hey! I'm gonna take in all the sights! Fifth Avenue! Times Square! Empire State! Statue o' Liberty! What are you gonna do, Steve? Who, me? I'm gonna go shoppin' at Macy's.
Take in a show on Broadway.
A buggy ride through Central Park.
What about you, Johnny? I'm gonna go to the nearest bar! Drink 'til I puke! Then pick a fight with a complete stranger! Then wreck the place.
Then I'm gonna blow all my money on a big fat whore! An' take her to a sleazy motel, and then, and then, I'm gonna bang the tits off of her! That's a great idea! Wait for me, Johnny! Whore leave! Whore leave! We got whore leave! We got whore leave!" I really love Chris Evans, y'know.
He's so amazin'.
An' no one ever used to like ginger 'air, y'know, but he's made ginger 'air in fashion.
Y'know, he's made his hair his own.
An' y'know what's really great about him, right? If he makes a mistake, he dun't go all embarrassed or anything' he just laughs his head off! Y'know, it's amazin'.
An' right, one timeright, y'know "Don't phone in, it's just for fun", right? Well, I rang in, y'know, to play a trick on 'im.
But, nobody answered.
An', lookin' back now, it weren't really that good a trick, y'know.
But, that, one time, right, he done this fart on the programme, right? Oh, an' he weren't, y'know, embarrassed about it or bothered about it, he was just laughin' 'is 'ead off, right? An' the cameramen, they were laughin' their 'eads off, right? An' me an' our Mark, we were laughin' our 'eads off.
I mean, y'know, you couldn't smell it.
I don't know whether Gaby could.
She were like pretendin', y'know, she could waft in the air an' all that.
I wish I was Gaby.
look out, he's got a gun! Scopolos mia cantathos doom! O publico estante guerillos ne fanta whacko lesbianism.
Anta vera mera pera big ones, er Prince Charles, er, bon sporta nova weekend ke mia Antonios Gubba.
You ain't seen me, right? Glasses, megaphones, mountains, chairs, dinosaurs, er, telly, music, cars, trains, hats an' gloves, shoes, zebras, Eric Cantona, adverts, posters an' that, calendars, roofs, umbrellas, er, caravans, pancakes, that clingy stuff, clingfilm, yeah, yeah! Er, magazines, outer space, an' chocolate! All brilliant! and so I gave her a pearl necklace.
Hello there, Bob Fleming here.
Andexcuse me.
Today you've got a special treat for you on the show.
Our old friend, Jed Thomas.
I beg your pardon.
No stranger to the show, he's brought in some lovely old adorin' horse brasses for us to look at.
Nowexcuse me, Jed, now I believe there's something interesting about these particular brasses here.
I should coco, Bob.
Now, the most interesting thing about these brasses is Er, now, as I was sayin', the most interesting thing about these brasses is that As I was sayin' there Bob Keep goin', Jed.
I'll be all right.
You're doin' fine.
the most interestin' thing about these old 'orse brasses is that Nick! Nick! I think we might as well stop there we've got this item covered.
We don't need to keep goin' over an' over it, do we? I don't know if you noticed, but my 'ayfever took a bit of an 'old, there.
I dunno Didn't notice that, no.
I think you got the jist of it across very nicely, Jed.
I thought it was - Guys, that wasn't too bad that one, but could we, could we just, just go from Jed's line, "the interesting thing about these horse brasses"? Just that line.
Oh, really? - Could you do that again, please? Oh, if you think so, Nick.
Er, sorry about that, Jed.
Do that again.
It must be some kind of technical problem they've got there.
OK, so it's just Bob? OK? I'm fine, yeah.
Good.
OK, we'll go with Jed's line.
All right, quiet on the floor, please.
And we're ready in three, two, and cue Jed.
As I was sayin', Bob, most interestin' thing about these old 'orse brasses is that Over 'ere! I'm over 'ere! Yes, I know! That took you by surprise, didn't it? You thought I was goin' to come on from 'ere, I fooled meself there! From over there, but no, I came on from over there! Didn't that surprise you, eh? Whaddaya mean, "no"? Right, well 'ere's one for ya, then.
This'll give you a bit of a treat.
Look at this.
Yes! I got another one at the other side.
Eh? Go on, sir, catch that! Eh? No! I've seen yer griddlin' eggs like there's no tomorrer! Eh, madam, that's right, you! He! Yes, the large lady.
Yes! That's right, you! Yes! Where's me scrag end? 'ave yer seen it? ave you 'ad me scrag end? Do you know 'er, sir? Uh? ere's one you do know "I was on the central line," sing along! "to Bakerlooo-ah, you asked me to marry you," what did I say? I said "I do!" 'ere, I've seen yer wearin' yer brother's clothing, sir! "The years went by, and our love grew, the sweetest girl I ever knew, I was orn the centeral line, and you were on the Bakerlooo.
" I'm gawn! I'm back! 'ow queer! Bah! Puddle.
Knowin' my luck, if ah step in that, ah'll go right up to me middle! Ah'll take me chances wi' road.
Though knowin' my luck, I'll prob'ly get run over.
Whoa! 'old up, Grandad, what ya doin'? Ya don't wanna walk in that road, you'll get whacked! Well, I'm not goin' in thier young un, knowin' my luck it's prob'ly about four or five foot deep! Nah, you're all right, look! You won't even get your feet wet, 'ardly! Oh, all right, then.
'ere goes nothin'.
Come on.
Ohh, bugger! That was a bit unlucky! Hi! I'm Ed Winchester.
Morning, Andy.
Not here! Morning, Andy.
Forget it, we're not compatible! Morning, Andy.
Don't box me in! Morning, Andy.
I respect you too much as a person! Good morning, Andy.
Get a grip, woman! Morning, Andy.
I'm flattered, but it would never work! Morning, Andy.
Are you completely sex mad? Morning, Andy.
Morning.
Morning, Andy.
It's nine o'clock in the morning! Morning, Andy.
I'm old enough to be your father! Hello? Josie, I've told you, please, never ring me at work! Don't miss on next week's show, "The Pussy Patrol".
Bella, you've got to save my life.
What is it, darling? I've just copped off with the most georgeous guy.
Keanu Reeves head, Linford Christie's body.
And I've come out completely unprepared.
And you know what men are like.
Bastards.
Exactly.
So I have eye on him tied down, I wondered if you'd got any spares? I always carry spares.
You never know when you're going to need them.
Here you are, darling.
Great! Oh, go on, let us have the satsuma.
Oh, go on! Avienda.
Juan mua muami deaco ensono.
Cigaretto mutto dueno.
Avienda.
Juan muaCamera tre! deaco ensono.
CigarettoTre! Tre!mutto duenova bella muno mani Ni! Ni! mucho mucho Ni! Ni! Bastardo! Bueno, fiba fiba ex.
Pah! Y boutros, boutros ghali.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
Speciale reporto! Also next week: Stupid bloke.
Buryin' me friend Albert, today.
Droppin' like flies the' are now.
All me old comrades.
So I'm off t' funeral at local cemetry.
Though, knowin' my luck, summat'll prob'ly go tragically wrong.
Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
To waste our lives would be a sin, release me and let me love again.
Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
Let me out! Let me out! You've burried wrong bloke! It were Albert you were supposed t' be burryin'! Ohh, bugger Hi, I'm Ed Winchestaaaaahhhhhhhh! Darn.
and the question surely is, is there enough news to actually justify a rolling news service? The question that always bothers me is, how one actually defines news.
I mean, the tabloids seem to treat any old bit of showbiz gossip as front page headline news.
Whereas war only merits a tiny mention on, on page ten.
Yes, news is becoming just another branch of light entertainment.
Eh, you know those silly bits, at the end of the news? Oh, yes.
You know, about dogs an' cats an' that gettin' stuck up a tree? Yes? They really cheer you up, don't they? They really make me laugh.
Can anybody remember where I put me coat? Look, Shirl, I'm sorry love, but I'm gonna be late again tonight.
You bastard, you promised.
That's the third time this week.
Don't do it, my mother told me.
Don't be a copper's wife.
But I told myself I could cope.
Cope with the pressure, the anxiety, never been able to make any plans.
The sleepless nights, waitin' for the phone call to say you'd been maimed or killed or or worse! But I won't be all night out, the lads are about to make a breakthrough.
Oh, the "Lads".
The bloody "Lads".
You think more about those lads than you do about me an' Tommy.
Look, we're very close to crackin' it.
They'll 'ave me out this chair in no time.
Yeah! Yeah! Don't worry, Shirl, we'll 'ave 'im out in no time! Cor.
You know, isn't it? Mmm? Whither the father and son, cheering from the terraces? Only yesteryear? Rattle in hand? Good natured applause for the opposing team? Half-time? Peanuts! Peanuts! Rebar! Whither the peanuts of yesteryear.
I mean, do we have a rosy view of the past? Isn't it? Cheery milkmen, vicars on bicycles? Huh! Luncheon meat, Bartlett pear halves? Laughing policemen? Clip round the ear? Move along, son! Thre'penny bits? Small boys? Grazed knees? Hmm? Hu-hoo! Witch-hazel! Ouch! Ooh! Kiss it better, mummy! Mmm? You know, isn't it? Aww.
Mind you, at least these days we've got Baywatch, haven't we? Har.
Morning, Andy.
Look, Karen, please see sense.
People are bound to find out, it's only a small office.
Think of the gossip.
And what about us? We get on really well.
We're good friends.
D'you want to chuck all that away for one night of passion? Morning, Andy.
I suppose we could use your car! D'you want to sign Ken's card, Andy? Not in front of everyone, Maria! - What? Look, sit-down, please, just sit-down.
You know, we've got to stop this now.
You know I'm never gonna leave my wife.
It's not fair on her, on you, me, the kids, anyone.
We'll all end up as victims.
So you don't want to sign it, then? Look, I'll meet you tonight in the pub.
I'll be in disguise.
This is madness, you know.
Andy, this is Christine, she's just come to join us in Accounts.
It's her first day.
Hello, pleased to meet you.
Look, Christine, forget it.
It's over.
Republicca presente Bono estente.
- Bono estente.
Mia incalameros tefulu menafulu ral chess.
E "Crazy World of Arthur Brown".
Aheth-eth-eth, peth-eth-eth-eth-eth-eth-eth, pippi snaa! Publi pantheros dia fantera oo cromos ee-ah-eh tete-a-tete pickety witch.
Andre pop explosionos bee-bah-beh Kilroy.
Fila a fala fell canteros anterior crotchet ligament.
Presidentos reporto governmento democracias, "Sminki-pinki-bang-bang!" Hook-splat! Meth-eth-eth-eth-eth Presidentos reporto governmento democracias, "Sminki-pinki-bang-bang!" "Minki-pinki-bang-bang!" "Bang-bang! Bang-bang!" B.
A.
Robertson.
Speciale report.
Mia patretas mumu.
Monte-cristo vu hendras tenyak! Uh? Lox exa miti cashtozi y katawi.
Shtra y cas bonu! Problematicas technicas speciale report.
Er Bonza bit vega utra sten resultarios.
Ni! Ni! Speciale Report! Vita! Vita! Aieeee! Mek nek speciale report.
Pia prum pastadi benes iscandenta! Ah, problematica technique, apologia.
Reportos meteorologicos mit Poula.
Ah, Poula! Poula! Oh! Bono estente.
Oh! Scorchio! Stupido! Classicos de para dos meterology a Valley Portos scorchio! In lea conya tera anterior scorchio! E nu como a ta exterior scorchio! Scorchio! Scorchio! Scorchio! Scorchio! Filendaro Chris Waddle.
Oi! Mate! Oi! Mate! Oi! Pssst! Here Oi! 'ey! Oi! Matey! 'ey! Skip! You ain't seen me, right? Andy, I've got something on that share-option.
It makes some pretty interesting reading.
Ted I don't really know how to say this without hurting you an' I'm very flattered an' all that but, basically, I'm just not gay.
I was educated at the Woodrow Wilson Institute of Science, between the years 1967 and 1969.
At this time, people like Professor Timothy Leary were advocating philosophies such as, "tune in, turn on, drop out".
And there was also the heavy use of hallucinogenic drugs.
Can I just say at this point, that these theories in no way affected my research and my philosophy.
And what exactly are you researching at the moment, Professor Dexter? Spacebats.
Spacebats? You bet your ass! Good morning, sir.
How are we today, sir? Oh, fine, thanks.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Dear me, no.
I'm sorry? Sir's been a trifle rude, hasn't sir? The gentleman asked you how you were, and you failed to ask him back, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry, 'ow are you? Radiant, sir.
Radiant.
What can I do for you, sir? I, wanna see a summer suit.
Summink light, y'know? Ooh! Summer suit, sir? Ooh! Suits you, sir.
Ken! Summer suit? Easy drop? Easy drop, is it? Easy drop, Ken.
Suit you, sir.
Ooh! Sir will look the bees-knees in a summer suit.
Ooh! Picture you now, sir, strolling for the park.
Your cream suit.
Fresh.
Crisp.
Flowing beautifully as you push your lady wife up against a tree and give her a jolly good seeing-to.
Suits you.
What did you say, then? Give her a jolly good seeing-to, sir.
You takin' the piss? Is there a problem, Kenneth? Yeah, there is a problem.
Why, sir? Doesn't the lady want it, sir? Doesn't she want it, sir? Ooh! Have you tried tying her up, sir? Eek! Ooh! Suits you.
Get me the manager! I wanna see the manager! You want the manager, do you, madam? Yes, I do.
You want me to lose my job, do you? - I don't care! Very well, then.
Mr Hobson! Madam's done it now, madam.
- Fine.
Can I help, madam? Are you the manager? - Yes.
This man insulted me.
Was it done with any style? He made an obscene suggestion regarding me and my husband! I see.
Was there by any chance a tree involved? There was, as a matter of fact.
I see.
This isn't the first time this has happened.
Oh.
Did you make these suggestions, Kenneth? I'm afraid I did, sir.
Yeah, then Laughing-Boy 'ere suggested I tie 'er up! Tie her up, sir? Yeah! Ooh! Tie her up? Ooh! Suits you! Ooh! Up against a tree? Very bacchanalian, sir.
Ooh! Was there a suggestion of a blindfold? Ooh! Ooh! A suggestion of handcuffs? Eek! Suits you! Ice cubes? Eek! Ooh! Prince Albert? Eek! Is that the noise you make, madam? Eek! Eek! Ooh! Do you want it, sir? Do you want it, madam? to do wet.
I'm sorry, sir, I didn't catch a word o' that.
I was just saying, we, er, may get a bit of rain, later, Ted.
Er, maybe, sir.
That's a dramatic sky, isn't it? See the way the winds, tugging those clouds along.
It's so typically English.
That's a constable sky, isn't it, Ted? It's Turner Gainsborough it's the music of Elgar and Vaughn Williams.
It's picnics with scotch-eggs and pork pies, and rain just spattering on to white linen table-cloth.
It's summer holidays on the beach, huddled beneath the blanket, sheltering from the wind.
Some memories are so vivid aren't they, Ted? Remember the time we pulled that big old oak tree from the brook, after the storm I must be gettin' back to work now, sir.
Yes, of course you must.
I I've monopolised your time somewhat, Ted.
Er, I must things to do myself.
What's it all about, Ted? Life.
All this.
Well, the way I look at it, sir, is, you're born, and, er, when you're number's up, you're gone.
And, er, anything between, well, that's a bonus, isn't it, sir? You put it so much better than I ever could, Ted.
Listen, Ted.
I'm just rattling around in the big house up there all by myself.
Erm, when you're done here, why not, erm pop up for a glass of sherry? I don't think so, sir.
No.
No, perhaps not.
Erm, you've probably got to get back to Mrs Ted.
She'll be puttin' me tea on now, sir.
Bloody good woman, Mrs Ted.
Bloody good.
You're you're really so lucky to have someone like Mrs Ted.
Very so lucky.
I, er, erm, well, perhaps I'll see you in the pub, later? You can introduce me to some of your friends! Perhaps.
Maybe, sir.
Oi, did I ever tell you about my mate, Micky Lyons? Lived down the end o' my street, endest 'ouse? Lovely bloke.
Always doin' 'at.
Freak o' nature, no earlobes.
Anyway, one day, he comes in from work, an' there's a note propped up by the clock in the front room, from 'is misses.
She's left 'im.
D'you know why? I tell you why, he smoked too much, he drinked too much, he ate too much, he spent too much time down the snooker 'all, he spent to much time doin' 'at, and he was too short.
Well, Micky Lyons was gutted.
He loved that woman.
She was 'is life.
Apart from the snooker, and the drinkin', and the smokin', and doin' 'at, y'know.
So, he vowed to get 'er back.
I tell ya what he done.
He give up smokin'.
He went on a diet.
He gave up playin' snooker.
An' he gave up doin' 'at, an' he loved doin' 'at, Micky.
But, the tricky one was, how to stop bein' short.
Right? So what he done, he tried everythin'.
He tried weights, he tried stretchin', he tried lyin' on boards, he 'ung out o' window ledges, he done bungee jumpin', he done judo, he done ballit, he done key down the back o' the neck, he done glass o' water upside down, everyfing to try to gain that extra 'eight.
And could he do it? Yeah, he did as it goes.
He grew two inches.
Did she go back to him? Did she f- six gerbils.
Nyah futremos, de Lone Ranger.
And Tonto.
Piti piti Sir John Gielgud.
Peth-eth-eth-eth-eth, keth-eth-eth-eth-eth, messargo commerciali von sponsoro.
Mia vol republica recorda ses "Greatest Hits von Trudi".
Mi camperos coo coo caros, yapandrayos papandrayos, scutu canthos, meladios, sminki pinki y pippi snaa! E tuto canthos retards.
Heth-eth-eth-eth eth-eth-eth-eth-eth, yeth-eth-eth-eth eth-eth-eth-eth-eth, keth-eth-eth-eth eth-eth-eth-eth, meth-eth-eth-eth eth-eth-eth-eth-eth.
Eh! "Meth-eth-eth-eth-eth".
E cupalacos tragicos, "Chris Waddle".
Chriiiiiiiis Waddlllllllllle! Chriiiiiiiis Waddlllllllllle! Chriiiiiiiis Waddlllllllllle! Andrevaaaaaa para me! Dia "Day we went to Bangor", "Smoke on the water", "Pighardia!" y "Boutros, boutros ghali".
Speciali promozione! Beneres, nikko fuerto tippo magico te "Gizmo Gizmo!" Novello proboscis Hi! I'm Ed Winchester.
Er, no I'm not, I'm not quite sure why I said that.
Oh, we've just come back from London, the capital city, there's so much to see and do, y'know.
But everything's so far apart.
I said to Roy, "Ooh, me poor plates of meat".
What did I say, Roy? Me poor plates o' meat.
And y'know, we went to see "Les Miserables", y'know.
Oh, it's really disappointing, it's all singing, y'know.
No storyline.
Oh, the tourists, they were all queuein' up outside for their tickets.
I said to Roy, "It's a good job we booked ours on the dog an' bone.
" What did I say, Roy? It's a good job we booked on the dog an' bone.
Ooh, we went for a smashin' meal at a Bernie Inn, meself an' Roy.
Big fans o' Bernie Inns.
An' now there's Harvester, y'know, what can you do? But there was, like, no room on the ground floor, but the waiter found us a table up the apples an' pears.
Where were the tables, Roy? - Up the apples an' pears.
Oh, the waiter, he was cheeky, y'know.
A real Cockney type.
But nice with it, y'know.
An' he said to Roy, he said, "Is this your daughter?" about me! An' Roy said, "No, it's me wife.
" What did you say, Roy? It's me trouble an' strife.
Don't make me beat you again.
Roy.
Another Manhattan morning! A new Manhattan day is dawning!" Shore leave! Shore leave! We got shore leave! New York! The Big Apple! Manhattan! Wow! An' we got a twenty four hour shore leave! What are you gonna do, Tony? Hey! I'm gonna take in all the sights! Fifth Avenue! Times Square! Empire State! Statue o' Liberty! What are you gonna do, Steve? Who, me? I'm gonna go shoppin' at Macy's.
Take in a show on Broadway.
A buggy ride through Central Park.
What about you, Johnny? I'm gonna go to the nearest bar! Drink 'til I puke! Then pick a fight with a complete stranger! Then wreck the place.
Then I'm gonna blow all my money on a big fat whore! An' take her to a sleazy motel, and then, and then, I'm gonna bang the tits off of her! That's a great idea! Wait for me, Johnny! Whore leave! Whore leave! We got whore leave! We got whore leave!" I really love Chris Evans, y'know.
He's so amazin'.
An' no one ever used to like ginger 'air, y'know, but he's made ginger 'air in fashion.
Y'know, he's made his hair his own.
An' y'know what's really great about him, right? If he makes a mistake, he dun't go all embarrassed or anything' he just laughs his head off! Y'know, it's amazin'.
An' right, one timeright, y'know "Don't phone in, it's just for fun", right? Well, I rang in, y'know, to play a trick on 'im.
But, nobody answered.
An', lookin' back now, it weren't really that good a trick, y'know.
But, that, one time, right, he done this fart on the programme, right? Oh, an' he weren't, y'know, embarrassed about it or bothered about it, he was just laughin' 'is 'ead off, right? An' the cameramen, they were laughin' their 'eads off, right? An' me an' our Mark, we were laughin' our 'eads off.
I mean, y'know, you couldn't smell it.
I don't know whether Gaby could.
She were like pretendin', y'know, she could waft in the air an' all that.
I wish I was Gaby.
look out, he's got a gun! Scopolos mia cantathos doom! O publico estante guerillos ne fanta whacko lesbianism.
Anta vera mera pera big ones, er Prince Charles, er, bon sporta nova weekend ke mia Antonios Gubba.
You ain't seen me, right? Glasses, megaphones, mountains, chairs, dinosaurs, er, telly, music, cars, trains, hats an' gloves, shoes, zebras, Eric Cantona, adverts, posters an' that, calendars, roofs, umbrellas, er, caravans, pancakes, that clingy stuff, clingfilm, yeah, yeah! Er, magazines, outer space, an' chocolate! All brilliant! and so I gave her a pearl necklace.
Hello there, Bob Fleming here.
Andexcuse me.
Today you've got a special treat for you on the show.
Our old friend, Jed Thomas.
I beg your pardon.
No stranger to the show, he's brought in some lovely old adorin' horse brasses for us to look at.
Nowexcuse me, Jed, now I believe there's something interesting about these particular brasses here.
I should coco, Bob.
Now, the most interesting thing about these brasses is Er, now, as I was sayin', the most interesting thing about these brasses is that As I was sayin' there Bob Keep goin', Jed.
I'll be all right.
You're doin' fine.
the most interestin' thing about these old 'orse brasses is that Nick! Nick! I think we might as well stop there we've got this item covered.
We don't need to keep goin' over an' over it, do we? I don't know if you noticed, but my 'ayfever took a bit of an 'old, there.
I dunno Didn't notice that, no.
I think you got the jist of it across very nicely, Jed.
I thought it was - Guys, that wasn't too bad that one, but could we, could we just, just go from Jed's line, "the interesting thing about these horse brasses"? Just that line.
Oh, really? - Could you do that again, please? Oh, if you think so, Nick.
Er, sorry about that, Jed.
Do that again.
It must be some kind of technical problem they've got there.
OK, so it's just Bob? OK? I'm fine, yeah.
Good.
OK, we'll go with Jed's line.
All right, quiet on the floor, please.
And we're ready in three, two, and cue Jed.
As I was sayin', Bob, most interestin' thing about these old 'orse brasses is that Over 'ere! I'm over 'ere! Yes, I know! That took you by surprise, didn't it? You thought I was goin' to come on from 'ere, I fooled meself there! From over there, but no, I came on from over there! Didn't that surprise you, eh? Whaddaya mean, "no"? Right, well 'ere's one for ya, then.
This'll give you a bit of a treat.
Look at this.
Yes! I got another one at the other side.
Eh? Go on, sir, catch that! Eh? No! I've seen yer griddlin' eggs like there's no tomorrer! Eh, madam, that's right, you! He! Yes, the large lady.
Yes! That's right, you! Yes! Where's me scrag end? 'ave yer seen it? ave you 'ad me scrag end? Do you know 'er, sir? Uh? ere's one you do know "I was on the central line," sing along! "to Bakerlooo-ah, you asked me to marry you," what did I say? I said "I do!" 'ere, I've seen yer wearin' yer brother's clothing, sir! "The years went by, and our love grew, the sweetest girl I ever knew, I was orn the centeral line, and you were on the Bakerlooo.
" I'm gawn! I'm back! 'ow queer! Bah! Puddle.
Knowin' my luck, if ah step in that, ah'll go right up to me middle! Ah'll take me chances wi' road.
Though knowin' my luck, I'll prob'ly get run over.
Whoa! 'old up, Grandad, what ya doin'? Ya don't wanna walk in that road, you'll get whacked! Well, I'm not goin' in thier young un, knowin' my luck it's prob'ly about four or five foot deep! Nah, you're all right, look! You won't even get your feet wet, 'ardly! Oh, all right, then.
'ere goes nothin'.
Come on.
Ohh, bugger! That was a bit unlucky! Hi! I'm Ed Winchester.
Morning, Andy.
Not here! Morning, Andy.
Forget it, we're not compatible! Morning, Andy.
Don't box me in! Morning, Andy.
I respect you too much as a person! Good morning, Andy.
Get a grip, woman! Morning, Andy.
I'm flattered, but it would never work! Morning, Andy.
Are you completely sex mad? Morning, Andy.
Morning.
Morning, Andy.
It's nine o'clock in the morning! Morning, Andy.
I'm old enough to be your father! Hello? Josie, I've told you, please, never ring me at work! Don't miss on next week's show, "The Pussy Patrol".
Bella, you've got to save my life.
What is it, darling? I've just copped off with the most georgeous guy.
Keanu Reeves head, Linford Christie's body.
And I've come out completely unprepared.
And you know what men are like.
Bastards.
Exactly.
So I have eye on him tied down, I wondered if you'd got any spares? I always carry spares.
You never know when you're going to need them.
Here you are, darling.
Great! Oh, go on, let us have the satsuma.
Oh, go on! Avienda.
Juan mua muami deaco ensono.
Cigaretto mutto dueno.
Avienda.
Juan muaCamera tre! deaco ensono.
CigarettoTre! Tre!mutto duenova bella muno mani Ni! Ni! mucho mucho Ni! Ni! Bastardo! Bueno, fiba fiba ex.
Pah! Y boutros, boutros ghali.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
Speciale reporto! Also next week: Stupid bloke.