The Franchise (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

PAT: Wazzup?
PETER: Ah, Mr. Shannon!
Hello to you, good sir.
PAT: Hello to you, good sir.
Hello good sir to you as well,
- uh, good sir.
- PAT: Hey, Adam.
Hi, Pat.
Now, would you care to know who's got
the smallest dick in Hollywood?
Oh, yes, kind sir, I very much would.
It's gotta be one of the kids
from Stranger Things, right?
PAT: W what?
PETER: He's an Oscar-winning director.
I'll send photos.
You'll need to zoom in.
Great. You have a second?
- PETER: Sure.
- Good.
DAG: Dan, live situation.
Pat is making moves
in the artist village.
Repeat, fox in the chicken coop.
PAT: Okay, pal, listen up.
Centurios 2 has a little problem.
- Little, uh, little plot hole.
- PETER: Oh, great.
I love it when other
people's films are in trouble.
- Oh, me too.
- (LAUGHS)
It's fucking awesome. I know, I know.
But sadly though, this
one's my responsibility.
Anyway, to fix the plot hole
- Bryson?
- I'll take it from here.
They need a man who
can see into the future.
Or maybe one who causes earthquakes
and has slightly above
average strength, right?
Hey, guys. What are we missing?
Anita, we're taking Peter
for a day of shooting. Hmm?
Absolutely, Pat. Hundred percent.
- Whatever you need.
- PAT: Good. There's more.
Can I get a private word in two?
Bryson, find me a space.
- (PETER CHUCKLES)
- DANIEL: What is happening?
Payback, Daniel. The reckoning.
We are being punished for Eric's sins.
Oh, what a shame, number one.
Old man's off to the big
leagues for a day. Adios, cuntos.
Bye, Peter. Break a leg.
He's such a good actor.
As are you.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
ANITA: Okay, you got
your pound of flesh, Pat.
- So, uh, we square?
- PAT: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your director kamikazed
himself into our tentpole.
I will take whatever the fuck I want.
Shane hates it when his movies fight.
Obviously, I'd like to shout
at Eric till my jaw pops,
but sadly Scott Rudin fucked
it for all of us, so I can't.
Shane's not happy with you, Anita.
I lost control of my
director. Whatever you need.
There is one other thing.
Some product placement
I want you to include in your movie.
Sure. What's the
product? Uh, Rolex or
- Chinese farming machinery.
- Chinese farming machinery.
Oh. Um, left field. That
Was not expecting that.
- Shane's under pressure.
- But thriving.
Domestic box office
is going down and down.
China's coming back.
But China wants a favor
to release our movies.
- A reach-around.
- A reach-around? Of China?
That's (CHUCKLES)
a big old reach-around.
- It's a huge reach-around.
- Hmm.
The Central Propaganda
Committee would like it known
their farming machinery is
the greatest in the world.
And I happen to agree with them.
A hundred percent. Fuck John Deere.
Sure, but in terms of
how farming machinery
might sit in Tecto,
a superhero movie
largely set in space
Anita, I once got flavored
rubbers into a TV movie
about the Exxon Valdez oil spill.
- Wow.
- But now,
I leave the detail to the artists.
Leave it to the artists
to sell the tractors.
Your movie, Anita,
it's on our shit list.
Get me my tractor shot,
or Peter won't be the
last thing I fucking take.
- You got it?
- Copy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have a flight to Cleveland.
They're letting me blow up a freeway.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Super cool.
Here is a brochure of
Chinese farming machinery.
A multiverse, but of
Chinese farming machinery.
(ANITA SIGHS)
- (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
- (MONITOR BEEPING)
(MONITOR FLATLINES)
(SOBS) Oh, Angela.
(WAILING) Oh, Angela!
Angela!
- Oh, Angela.
- (STEPH SNIFFLES)
ADAM: Angela!
(MUTTERING) Jesus Christ.
- And cut.
- (SOMBER MUSIC STOPS)
And respectfully, we've cut there.
- (BELL RINGING)
- (CREW CHATTERING)
DAG: Well, that's depressing.
Yeah, well, guess what?
Between us (CLICKS TONGUE)
- Circumcision.
- What? Circumcision?
No, it's being cut. The scene's a cut.
Why are we shooting something
that we're gonna cut?
Sugar cube for the donkey.
Eric wants it, and he is the "director."
- What was that?
- What was what?
You said director in air quotes.
- No, I didn't.
- Almost there. One more.
Eric, honestly, I think we got that.
Listen, this scene is the
beating heart of my movie.
This is me, like a samurai,
opening my gut to tell the people.
Yeah. We're going again.
- Sorry, sir, go on.
- Yeah, also last take,
fruit bowl was fuckity
wank. It won't work.
Stop fussing about the
fucking tangerines, Stephanie.
Super, super important
that we get this scene
absolutely perfect.
- Right, Dan?
- DANIEL: Hmm.
Have you heard what they call
me after the golf cart thing?
"The badass Wes Anderson."
I hope it doesn't
stick. Can you imagine?
I wouldn't worry. I don't
think anyone's calling you that.
Maybe I like how it feels.
Swinging the dick around. Ding dong.
Yeah, swing it around.
Use it as a fork. You
can do what you want.
- I'd like to fire the sound man.
- Okay, you can't do that.
ERIC: He rolls his eyes at my scene.
Plus, he's wearing the indoor scarf.
I thought only directors wear the
indoor scarf. Is he mocking me?
DANIEL: Why don't we put him
somewhere you can't see him?
ERIC: Yes, hide the man.
- Now show me the cargo bay.
- Oh.
Bring up Eric's cargo bay.
So, this is the latest
render of the cargo bay.
- (COMPUTER PINGS)
- DANIEL: Uh
ERIC: Daniel?
DANIEL: All right, screen
team, I did have it,
but what I'm looking at right
now is not the cargo bay.
It's Darren's wife
and his three children
and their weird medieval haircuts.
Eric. Sir, cannot wait to
see your hospital scene.
Somberly excited to see her die.
ERIC: Thank you.
ANITA: Why does he think small children
want to see a sad lady die?
Yeah. Agreed. We should cut the scene.
- (CHUCKLES)
- I spoke with Pat.
We have to swallow some
additional product placement.
What, one of his janky product deals?
Oh. For the record,
not everybody who drove a
Coyote Turbo died in a fire.
DANIEL: It's not my first rodeo.
I helped integrate paprika Popchips
into Thunderon's
funeral. What's the brand?
Established name.
I took a look at the product catalog,
and I think the best fit for
us in terms of storytelling
is the YTO 330.
Sports car? 'Cause
Tecto's already got a car.
Mm, this is more off-road.
Off-road, uh, four-wheeled conveyance.
Rugged.
- Th That's a tractor.
- Very, very reliable tractor.
Judge's commendation at
the Beijing Tractor Expo.
- Fair play, tractor.
- Fucking great tractor.
It's a tractor with bags of character.
We're in deep space.
How the fuck are we
gonna integrate a tractor?
Look, Aaron Sorkin's
locked in a room in Burbank
working on the Turkey
Dinosaurs movie for Pat.
- I'll throw it to him.
- Eric won't like it.
He's a former ad guy. On the Reddits,
they still call him "The
Cheese Man of Dusseldorf."
- It haunts him.
- Sorry, no can care.
Shane wants us to tickle up China.
Look, it is not just us.
Centurios 2 took the Forager model,
which has the excavation bucket
- and the hedge trimmer?
- Hedge trimmer.
No way. It just won't make sense.
God, imagine if something in
the movie didn't make sense.
ANITA: Look, this is not a drill, Dan.
Pat's unhappy, and I
need a win. We both do.
I am offering whatever you want,
in terms of in terms of directing.
Okay.
All right, I'll talk to Eric.
You'll get your product shot.
Thank you.
It's so red and adorable.
Really hope you figure it out.
Be great to give a boost to
the Chinese Communist Party.
Okay, cool. You're doing your thing.
Peck, peck, pecking away.
Look, it's a two-second
shot of a tractor.
And Dickens was product,
and Shakespeare moved units, okay?
The biz is the biz is the biz.
Six hundred gram organic
rotisserie chicken for Adam.
Great. So now I'm a chicken butler.
For the People's Republic of Chicken.
Really glad I did that
degree in history of art.
Chicken traveling!
I have your chicken.
I feel like a zookeeper,
throwing protein at
you every four hours.
Yeah. It's I just
gotta maintain nonstop.
It's like I I'm only as valuable as,
as my lean muscle mass.
And it's like I'm a piece
of veal. It's just
Very morose. You still in character
for the scene that won't get cut?
ADAM: Can I ask you a question?
'Cause this child on Reddit
says I don't blink enough
and it's creepy, and now
I'm in my head about it?
How's this?
DAG: Mm. Great, great level.
You're blinking like a motherfucker.
- Yeah. That Yeah.
- DAG: Yeah.
That's what I thought. I mean (SIGHS)
I just don't get it. Why
Why don't they want me?
Centurios 2. Why'd
they take Peter over me?
Like, why don't they
Like, what is it about me that they
What Do you like me?
I don't think you want me poking around
in your noggin, seriously.
No, you can come on in. Door's open.
Ding dong. (CHUCKLES) Say hello.
- DAG: Um
- What is it?
Honestly, Adam,
and I I actually think that
you'll find comfort in this,
I don't have one opinion
on you. Not at all.
Well, I Well, y you
Sorry. That's why you're so great.
- Oh.
- DAG: When I'm watching you,
I'm not thinking about anything.
And it's like my brain's
having a little rest.
Um, you're kind of like a sexless
in a good way, because
it's non-threatening
potato.
- "Sexless potato."
- Mm.
God, you have confidence to say that
to my actual fucking face. (LAUGHS)
In front of everyone.
Big Dag energy.
Do you mind having second lunch with me?
I need a favor. What
are you, paleo, keto?
Dag.
No, no. What, what do you wanna eat?
Surprise me.
- ADAM: Okay. Great.
- Yeah.
I'm looking forward to it.
(SIGHS)
Okay, product placement
option one. And cue vehicle.
CREW: (OVER RADIO) Copy
that. Cueing vehicle.
(TRACTOR ENGINE STARTS)
(AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING MANDARIN)
(AUTOMATED VOICE REPEATS MANDARIN)
(AUTOMATED VOICE REPEATS MANDARIN)
(AUTOMATED VOICE REPEATS MANDARIN)
(AUTOMATED VOICE STOPS)
Thoughts?
In terms of how we
integrate it into the plot,
um, um, in the story,
um, I guess the story is, um,
a rice farmer from China's
accidentally driven
through a wormhole in
It's the worst thing I've ever seen.
Or option two.
So, option two.
ERIC: Why would there
be a Chinese tractor
in the Sector Nine cargo bay?
STEPH: Maybe an
agricultural show nearby?
Country fair in a local quadrant?
- Smart.
- A country fair in deep space?
Yeah. Hogs, lambs, goats. Space cheese.
Fucking space cheese?
I give up. I literally
can't do anything right.
- (FOLDER THUDS)
- Also, China would like a line.
Obviously, we can push back,
but they are, not relevant,
but they are a global
nuclear superpower. So
Which line?
"Reliable. Buyable. Undeniable.
It's the best tractor in the galaxy."
Uh-huh.
And you want those actual
words in my literal movie?
It's a small statement of fact.
ERIC: Daniel, I can't.
Eric, there is, uh, another option.
- The hospital scene.
- My dying wife?
Truth is, the studio
want to cut it, okay,
'cause they're scared
by the power of emotions.
But put the tractor in the scene,
and then they can't cut it.
The only way you're
swallowing their load
is if they swallow yours.
- A load for a load.
- Mm-hmm.
Plus, Centurios 2 has the Forager model,
which has the excavator bucket.
Obviously I can shoot a tractor.
I can shoot the shit out of it.
Oh, yeah. Mate, I've seen
your Daewoo commercial.
Seminal.
- So, we good?
- (SMACKS LIPS)
DANIEL: By the way, um, Milo
the sound guy didn't wanna move,
so we're setting up a sight screen
- so you won't have to see him.
- ERIC: Mm.
DAG: We made him
remove his indoor scarf.
He was wearing it 'cause
he has tonsillitis.
Would you like to keep it as a trophy?
Yes.
Is he looking?
I have the feeling I've antagonized him.
DAG: Oh, yeah, he's looking.
Lasers coming out of his eyes.
Is there nowhere else
he can go? Outside?
Like a van outside?
Not in a horrible way, but
Yeah, no, sure. Not
Not a horrible van.
DAG: Okay. I think
I think we should probably
kill the video wall,
'cause that's personal
and just a bit sad.
DANIEL: (CLEARS THROAT) Screen team.
I've currently got a slideshow
of Darren trying on some chinos.
DAG: Nobody look.
Nobody look at the
video wall. (CHUCKLES)
Even though I'm drawing
your attention to it.
Deadline once called me a
cusping wave. Ready to break.
And I'm
I'm on like a mission
to find what's missing.
And like, I was talking to this person,
it's a famous person, Jonah Hill,
and he said I should
explore fecal transplants.
- Okay.
- So, what I'm basically,
what I'm basically saying, Dag, is
can you do me a solid?
(STRAINS)
Oh.
- My shit.
- Yes, exactly, yes.
A stool transplant. And you're
the perfect demographic for me,
perfect, so yes.
I might like to, you
know, feast on your biome.
DAG: Got it.
And how does that work, the transplant?
I don't like in your mouth?
In my mouth? No, no.
- DAG: Not yet.
- Um (LAUGHS)
Yeah, NDA. We're gonna sign
an NDA, a veil of secrecy,
and then my team will take a sample
and see if you are viable.
Oh. (CHUCKLES) My stools are viable.
- (ADAM LAUGHS)
- Yeah.
- Don't you worry about that.
- Yeah.
Okay, yeah. I'm in.
But I want an executive producer credit.
Absolutely not.
One step at a time,
okay? One step at a time.
- But I'll drop you a line.
- Okay.
- ADAM: Thanks.
- It's a pleasure doing business for you.
- For me? (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)
Don't tell anyone.
- DAG: Why would I?
- Yeah.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
- No problem.
- MILO: The love of God!
Can I at least have my scarf back?
JAZ: Yeah, I'll look into it.
Okay, text me your lunch order.
Cheers.
- Emergency dialogue fix.
- What?
Dialogue has been Sorkinized.
(OVER MIC) We are rehearsing.
And now try the new line, please, Adam.
But really, only if
you can find it, yeah?
- Okay.
- ERIC: And
Just one sec.
I got it.
And action.
- (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS)
- (SOBS) Angela.
(MONITOR FLATLINES)
Tractors
turning the soil. Reliable
undeniable tractors.
- (SOMBER MUSIC STOPS)
- Okay, he's not saying that line.
Okay, cut the line.
Other than that, I think it works.
Compromise.
Everyone's a winner slash
loser. Told you I could execute.
"The Executioner" of this
artform that you love.
Checks to shoot, please.
FYI, I may need to dash away
on some very important business.
I'm trying to produce something
for Adam. I'm his new producer.
Dan, Peter's returned
from his Centurios cameo.
All right, great. Can you
get him and Mollusk Man
ready for the next set-up?
JAZ: We might have a continuity issue.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)
- Peter?
- Oh, hello.
I had the most wonderful time.
Peter, have you been sprayed?
Yes, I have. I can't remember why.
Uh, wasn't listening.
Plot reasons, one imagines.
Peter's been sprayed.
- Like a dog?
- Sprayed.
PETER: They've got the most
incredible caterers over there.
Do you know, they put
truffle into arancini now?
Makeup's saying they can't
remove it without breaking skin.
They've had a go.
I've been getting rubbed
off for the past hour.
Wonderful joke, Peter, thank you.
Someone "blue" me. Also tinted my skin.
Okay, let's send Peter home
before he innuendoes himself.
And off I fuck for
treacle pud on the beanbag.
Ah, the actor's life!
- Auf weidersehen, cunts.
- Bye, Peter. Have a lovely time.
The crane pushes very slowly onto Adam.
DANIEL: Slow push. I'll let Horst know.
ERIC: Slow and beautiful,
yes? Like my scene.
Eyebrows coming back nicely.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So, how's things? How's married life?
Oh, I wouldn't know, sadly.
Had to miss the honeymoon
to be here, but, uh
Right, right. I'm sure she understands.
- She's probably great.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, she gets it.
Yeah. T Totally get
You know, she doesn't get it.
She's devastated, and she's
not returning my calls.
- And it's it's really sad.
- (SIGHS) Right.
God.
Yeah, I'm having a bit of
strife myself, actually.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
Yep. Sometimes the people
we end up with are malignant,
narcissistic, arrogant shitheads.
- like a fraction slower.
- RUFUS: Mm.
- Well, that's show biz, folks.
- Yes. Yes, it is.
(ROLL-UP DOOR CLANGING)
(AUTOMATED VOICE 2 SPEAKING MANDARIN)
- Sorry?
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Sorry, sorry. What the fuck is this now?
It was communicated to
Centurios 2 that we had
successfully integrated
the product into our film.
So they thought we
could also take theirs.
Daniel? A second tractor?
Their feeling is, uh, we
already have one tractor,
so what's another tractor?
It's got more things than our tractor.
It's even more tractor.
Two tractors? This is my death scene!
It's not a fucking piece
of farming pornography.
Having had a chance to reflect,
their director just feels
- really strongly about China.
- Oh, really? Does he now?
Guess what? I feel strongly about China.
But apparently, he
feels really strongly.
Oh, that's so fucking paternalistic.
Straight White guy suddenly really cares
- about poor old backward China.
- I really care about it.
I I do care about it a lot.
Well, exactly, Eric cares
about it, but in the right way.
Calm down. We all hate or love China
the same correct amount.
Who the fuck cares?
- Amnesty International.
- Our corporate partners.
Asshole! He wants to destroy my film.
- Send it back. Send it back.
- Uh, do not send it back!
- Do not send it back.
- (AUTOMATED VOICE 2 SPEAKING MANDARIN)
Oh my God, this is so ugly.
Apparently, their director is thinking
of going public with his feelings.
And his opinion is,
basically (MOUTHS) China.
Oh, yeah? Mine too. Fuck it. Fuck China.
- Hey
- I will say it first.
Who wants to hear it?
- No, Eric. No. Whoa.
- (MIC TURNS ON)
Fuck China. Yeah?
Fuck China!
Fuck dim sums. Fuck finger traps.
Fuck Mulan. Fuck fortune cookies.
Fuck sweet sour. Fuck Peking duck.
Fuck silk. Fuck ying. Fuck
yang. Eric say fuck Confucius.
- Thank you.
- You happy?
- I'm a big man.
- (TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)
I'm an IMAX man. I'm
a very wide screen man.
- Yeah.
- Fuck the pandas.
Glad they can't reproduce.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
ERIC: Send them both back to Centurios.
(AUTOMATED VOICES SPEAKING MANDARIN)
(AUTOMATED VOICES REPEATING MANDARIN)
No, no. No tractors.
Xan said no tractors.
(AUTOMATED VOICES REPEATING MANDARIN)
All right. (EXHALES) We need to shoot.
Steph, can you find out when
Eric's ready to rejoin, please?
He'll come out when he's hungry.
I know.
Guys! Stop watching poker.
Adam.
Hey.
- When you get a second.
- What?
It is done.
I have undertaken my business.
(LAUGHS) What?
In your trailer.
I've done a very ambitious production.
- Ooh.
- (CHUCKLES)
I've done a shit. (LAUGHS)
You shit in my trailer?
I thought that's what you wanted.
ADAM: No. No, I have a specialist
and he puts it in a sealed
bag and you're supposed
to do the WhatsApp questionnaire. What?
Oh, I've done it wrong.
Yeah. You shit in my trailer, dude.
Oh, no, Dag. You didn't.
You mucky little pup.
- What's happening?
- No.
Daniel, don't shout at her,
but she's done a shit in Adam's trailer.
Sorry, Dag, what? Was it
I mean, tell me it was
at least in the toilet.
ADAM: (COUGHING) NDA. NDA.
Oh, what have I done that for?
STEPH: I think someone
needs to say sorry.
Adam, I'm sorry for doing
a poo in your trailer.
- What the fuck happened?
- How do you know?
- It's in fucking Variety.
- DAG: I'm sorry, what?
How can Variety know already?
Shane is monitoring, and he
is deeply, deeply concerned.
Shane knows?
- Why is this happening to me?
- Eric, sir. Sorry.
Have you, um, declared war on China?
Not as far as I'm aware.
"Did Eric Bouchard Just
Declare War on China?"
Oh, thank God! That's the article.
- ANITA: Did you go public?
- What is happening, Daniel?
No idea. I'm just panicking
in real time like you.
Shane's schedule does not
allow a window for war.
Maybe the sound guy leaked it.
You know, the man you put into a van?
Major problem. Very, very not good.
I just wanted a man to remove his scarf.
They've got fucking nukes, Eric.
Of all the countries.
War with Malta, maybe.
STEPH: War with China?
I'm supposed to go to
Bournemouth for the weekend.
Listen, go to my trailer.
There's something there.
- You're not gonna like it.
- The head of our Global Security Force, for you.
Hello?
Yes, this is he.
Yes, it seems I've done this.
Okay, I will let them
know. Thank you. Bye.
They want me to tell security
that I might be at war with China.
Studio security, yeah?
Frank and the boys at front desk.
- I'll let 'em know. Great.
- If you would be so kind, yeah.
Anita, I have Pat from Cleveland
requesting you "urgently."
Oh, I'm, uh I'm not
here. Uh, no thank you.
I'm actually just having a migraine.
I might have given
myself China Syndrome.
STEPH: Right, do you need your eye-bag?
ANITA: Okay. Scramble PR.
Apology video. Full-court grovel.
Okay? Go. Go, go, go, go, go!
Oh, my God.
Hey, guys. Hey, team. What's up?
This is next-levels Orwellian.
Welcome to the future
of getting reamed out.
Xi Jin Pat.
Pat, Daniel just
called you "Xi Jin Pat."
- (DANIEL SIGHS)
- So, team Tecto,
what's happenin'?
- Uh
- (VELCRO CRACKLES)
STEPH: Basically,
Eric's at war with China,
and now he has a migraine.
PAT: Yeah, I know what's
fucking happening, dipshit.
Show me Eric.
Hey, tough guy! Hope
you've got your own nukes.
What the fuck is that?
Bryson, what is that?
I believe it's an eye-bag,
sir. Lavender-scented eye-bag.
All right, you know what?
That lavender eye-bag is
gonna me fucking explode!
Eric, if we could be
removing the eye-bag, please?
ANITA: Pat, I am across this.
PAT: Sure fucking looks like it.
Hey, I talked to my friends
at the Propaganda Committee.
They have a little clean-up job for you.
Tell me, what do you know about
the tainted baby milk scandal?
Um, not much.
PAT: An incident. Traces
of mercury in the milk.
They'd like us to
reassure the Chinese people
that it's safe to drink.
A And And is it?
(SCOFFS) Oh, yeah, sure.
So, where are my actors
at, huh? Bryson, show me.
Where's Peter? I guess we
got a commercial to shoot.
You, in the skull cap.
How would you like a line in our movie?
I'm sorry?
Oh, my God.
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS) I tell you what, Colonel Adard,
that packs a real protein punch. Mm.
- ERIC: Cut.
- DANIEL: Cut there.
I think we got it.
- Go again.
- Pat would like to go again.
- We go again.
- We're going again.
RUFUS: And this is
definitely safe to drink?
Because I'm I'm drinking
quite a lot of this.
Uh, yeah, I'm sure it's fine.
If you could like
If you could find out
how much mercury there was in it,
because I I ought to tell my doctor.
Yeah, sure.
It's only for the China cut, Eric.
Yeah, exactly. Just a billion people.
- Thank you, Dag.
- He's very, very good.
Like, arresting.
Indelible.
Mm-hmm.
ANITA: Not good, Dan.
China, the golf cart.
Eric's about to hang himself
with his indoor scarf.
Holy shit. Are they gonna fire him?
Worse.
ANITA: No, they'll Clockwork Orange him.
Strap him to a chair,
pin his eyelids back,
and then make us all watch
as Pat fucks his movie.
Bad for Eric. Bad for us.
- Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
- (CELL PHONE BUZZING)
That does sound bad. Oh, feeding time.
Adam needs his chicken.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah, I'm coming. I'm
all right. I'm fine.
No, don't put your hand on me.
We've had reports of an audio leak.
I want my fucking scarf. And a lawyer.
If you can tell Eric, I
wanna do kind of a looser one.
Matter of fact, this dude.
Excuse me. Could you
Could you just
Could you just fuck off
out of my eyeline just a hair?
Thanks, mate. Really
appreciate it. Yeah.
Fuck's sake.
Come on. I really wanna
see that label, Eric.
Come on. Let's sell some milk.
Can you hold the milk higher?
Mm-hmm. Yes, sir.
Closer to your face.
- There?
- ERIC: Mm.
Lower.
Lower.
Yeah.
Okay, let's go.
Come on. Let's sell some milk. Let's go.
RUFUS: All right, Eric, my good sir,
ready for another take.
Ni hao. I want to apologize
to the President of China,
the government of China,
the people of China,
and, indeed, the pandas of China,
for the deeply disrespectful
way I referred to your homeland.
Hello. And indeed, ni hao.
I would like to take this
opportunity to apologize
to the people of China
for a great many number of things.
First and foremost, the 1991
buddy comedy Sweet & Sour.
Having had the chance to
reflect, and having spoken
to a number of leading
Chinese academics,
I can now see that
elements of my portrayal
of Professor Zhao were
inappropriate, inaccurate,
and, while deeply funny at
the time and indeed lauded
as "stir-fried fun" by Roger Ebert,
incredibly painful to many thousands,
if not millions of people.
I am, as ever, grateful for
this learning opportunity.
And I know that now it's
time for me to stop talking
and start listening.
My audiobook, You're Welcome Darling,
is available now,
with a full speaking tour
to follow in the spring.
Thank you and zai jain.
Shishi.
And I would like to add
that this milk is utterly delicious.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(GULPS) Mm.