The Great Escapists (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

[intriguing music]
[action music]
[Richard screaming]
[Tory] Fire!
Fire!
Do you give up yet?
Do you give up yet?
Look at the place!
You can't take it anymore.
You can't take it anymore.
Stop saying the same things as me
and using a different emphasis!
Stop saying the same things as me
but with a different Oh dammit!
Right! Back to war!
[light music]
Just to be clear on this one,
Tory started it.
That lunatic used my distress flares
for fireworks
for his stupid 4th of July party.
I was furious!
[intriguing music]
[suspenseful music]
[thudding]
[Richard] What! Oh come on!
The flares!
You shoot off the flares!
You knew how long
those took me to make.
That was our only chance
to get off this island!
Tory, I was just trying to give you
the best 4th of July possi
Oh, really?
Ow! Are you kicking me out?
I've had it.
I'm over this.
You're so selfish.
You make me sleep in the hammock while
you have the best bedroom in the world.
You can't kick me out.
I'm leaving!
Leave!
Find somebody else to put up with
your precious ways. "I'm missing home,
soda pops
and Mickey Mouse and burgers."
- I'm precious?
- Oh yeah.
Oh, I'm precious?
You don't know how much time
I spend thinking about you,
worrying about how you feel.
And your precious
Oh no!
- Come on!
- Are these precious?
Oh!
[Richard screaming]
Good! I want all my memories wiped,
because one of them includes you!
Precious.
I know what's precious.
There is no such thing as Hammondland!
Oh! No!
I've nursed that for 18 months!
It burns the eyes!
That is a step too far, my friend!
This is war!
[dramatic music]
Clarkson, get in here.
Right, our mission:
cut off supplies to that treehouse.
Our target?
It's his water supply.
If we cut it off,
this thing could soon be over.
Right. First job, we gotta talk weapons.
What are we gonna use?
Oh yes!
That is clever!
He won't know what's hit him.
[suspenseful music]
Right
Clarkson!
We are going to build
ourselves an air cannon.
This fire extinguisher will be
the pressure vessel of our cannon.
That has within it enough pressure
to fire a pineapple projectile
at least a 100 feet, which is
the kind of firepower we need
to take out his water supply
from this range.
The problem we have
is that when pressurized,
the release valve here
is designed to choke the air
as it escapes and slow it down,
so it bleeds out gradually.
I want it to come out
all in one go!
So we need a new valve on here.
First part of my plan.
Because around here
This, private, is a ball valve.
You'll see it opens quickly
and cleanly. Boosh!
Air in. Bang! Air out.
And if the air is pressurized, it could
escape that at supersonic speeds.
That's the kind
of firepower we need!
[rock music]
[Richard grunting]
Now, we need a barrel.
Stand down, private. I'll get it.
Here's our barrel.
This was the heat exchanger
off the boat.
These are the inlet and outlet pipes.
I'm gonna cut them off.
Safety first.
[rock music continues]
Yeah, I know,
but you'll thank me for it later.
All right, in we go,
like a surgeon.
Don't tell me this is your first
grinder experience.
Gotta be careful here,
I don't wanna cross thread this.
Yep.
Oh yep, that's biting.
Okay.
Oh yeah.
Now, private Clarkson,
you are wondering
How are we gonna pressurize
the vessel?
Here's the answer.
I'm gonna use
this.
Now, next problem.
The trigger.
This was the latch
of the main hatch on our boat,
but now it's a trigger.
And it goes here.
[rock music]
And there it is, primed and ready.
So, Clarkson
Human effort puts five bar
of pressure
into this pressurized vessel.
That's contained by this valve here.
When released, that should
put about 900 pounds of force
behind the pineapple, it's enough
to put it straight through you,
throw it a 100 feet and take out
the American's water supply.
That'll only work if I can get
this pressure out of here
through the valve
and into there quickly.
That's where this trigger comes in.
Thanks to this potential energy
I've stored in this rope.
If I pull this trigger,
that will be released in one go,
snapping open the valve, throwing out
the air and boom, off we go.
Are you ready?
Testing
Ah-ha!
[intriguing music]
An important final lesson for you:
know thine enemy.
And here it is!
[groaning]
That is Tory Belleci.
Remember that face.
Take a close look.
[groaning]
Bite him, Clarkson, bite him!
Where's my shovel?
Right, I'm gonna bury him.
[suspenseful music]
Here you go, Tory.
Mr "I want to go home".
Mr "I can't see the huge fun
we could have on our desert island".
Mr "I want to spoil it for everybody".
Just stare down that barrel.
How do you feel, American boy, huh?
[triumphant music]
Right, next job
Load projectile.
The snugger the fit,
the better the blast.
Oh yeah!
I can hear air hissing out
from around it as I push it in,
which means it's a good seal.
[western music]
[Richard grunting]
I like the fact that I'm gonna take
his head off with my own arm power.
It's also extraordinarily heavy.
God, I feel butch, Clarkson, right now.
I'm just a man like you
but I'm a man holding a massive cannon,
about to blow Tory's head off.
It's why you'll follow me
forever, soldier.
I'll give you a countdown.
In three, two, one!
I missed quite badly Clarkson, but
if there'd been a whale advancing,
I'd have killed it.
I need to load it up again.
[western music]
Stand by, Clarkson.
Firing in three, two, one.
[Richard shouting merrily]
Clarkson, this unit is battle ready.
Let's go to war!
[western music]
What's up with the outfit?
You look like Rambo.
I'm getting ready to kill you.
I've got stuff to do. Shut up.
[Tory] Wow!
- What's with the pineapples?
- Ammunition.
Quick load.
Toink, dead.
[Tory] You made a pineapple cannon.
That's productive!
- It's not bad, is it?
- Yeah!
The extinguisher
is the pressure vessel.
- And the valve?
- That's from the plumbing.
And the exchanger is the barrel?
I love it.
How do you charge it?
- [Tory] With the pump?
- Yes.
How long does it take?
Quite a while.
That's not very convenient
in a combat situation!
[Richard] It's not
a close quarter weapon.
So go back to the treehouse
and I can kill you effectively
with these, in that.
Go.
Unit's ready. Okay.
Commence firing when ready.
Three, two, one,
incoming!
[Richard groaning]
[Tory] Holy hell!
That was close.
That wasn't bad.
Richard, you almost hit
the water trough!
That's what I'm going for.
Thank you!
What are you thinking?
- Have you lost your mind?
- Incoming!
- [Richard laughing]
- Richard!
You actually broke
the water trough.
That was the idea!
Let's see how long you last, now!
[Richard laughing]
That's just great.
You took out the power
and the running water to the house.
Nice job!
Incoming!
[Richard laughing] Oh, close!
It almost hit me!
Yeah, I know.
I'm getting close.
Coming at you!
[Richard laughing]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Take one minute and think
about what you're doing.
You're firing pineapples
at your friend
and the house that you built!
I know. It's so cool.
I couldn't believe
this so-called friend of mine
would use pineapples
as lethal weapons against me.
You're saying he was
trying to kill you?
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Brace!
Boom!
Richard!
You smashed the wheelhouse!
- Oh yeah!
- You've gone too far!
- You want war?
- Yeah.
I'll give you a war you'll never forget!
[intriguing music]
[Richard laughing]
[Tory] I wanted to hit
Richard where it hurt. Normally,
that'd be straight to the balls.
But I thought of something
even more precious to him.
Clarkson!
[spy music]
[birds chirping]
[solemn music]
[rooster cackling]
There you are, Clarkson!
We're out-weaponed.
We gotta build something.
The only problem is all we have
is wood and bamboo.
We do have the advantage
of being up here.
If only we had bungee cords,
I could make a giant slingshot
and we'd destroy him.
But I did have rope.
And that meant
Well, I don't have to explain to you
about Greco-Roman artillery!
Or maybe I do.
I could make a torsion weapon
called a ballista with it.
It gets its power
by twisting rope tightly,
then releasing it.
The best thing about a ballista is,
it throws stuff for miles.
[soft music]
Work
Yeah, it works!
So let's have a look
at what you're doing in there,
my erstwhile American friend.
Oh, hang on!
Oh, he's building something
It's a weapon.
But it looks like
I don't know,
a giant slingshot maybe?
But how's that going to be possible?
I mean, he hasn't got any
anything stretchy in there.
Clarkson, did you leave any
of your old tights up there?
Clarkson, have you
Clark
Clarkson?
Clarkson!
Clarkson!
You've taken Clarkson!
Oh, that is low!
Good!
I'm coming for both of you!
[upbeat music]
Welcome back to Hammondland TV.
I'm Richard Hammond
and today I want to show you
how I go to the toilet on the island.
First of all
Hey guys, Tory Belleci here.
I'm filling in for the living nightmare
that is Richard of Hammondland.
Now he built a weapon
because we're at war,
and if he's got a weapon,
I should have a weapon.
So I give to you, the Belleci Ballista!
[triumphant music]
Now I bet you want
to see this thing fire!
But hold on!
I want to show you how I built it.
Okay, so to build my ballista,
I had to use parts from the house.
Err I pulled up floorboards.
I took down hand railings.
Now, the heart of our torsion weapon
is our torsion bundle.
All this is, is rope.
And you twist it and you twist it,
and then you release it.
Futchtwing!
And it will allow my ballista
to fire for miles.
Now I have a ratchet here
at the bottom of the stock.
Let me show you what I did.
I've taken this.
It's a
it's a gear from the ship.
And then I've attached
this wrench here.
This wrench
keeps it locked.
Okay, let me show you
how to lock and load the ballista.
Right here is my sling.
This is my quick release.
I push my slide up
Capture my sling.
Can you see that?
So now I will start
pulling back the sling,
tensioning the arms,
getting it ready to fire.
[military music]
As those arms are bending back,
the ropes that are holding it
are twisting and twisting,
just like Richard's soul.
It's that time that you've been
waiting for: to see it fire.
I had to change the angle
on the ballista,
so I can get the perfect trajectory
to go up and over,
so that it lands directly
on top of Richard's head,
who's hiding just over there,
inside of a foxhole.
[soft music]
No sign of the enemy, Clarkson.
He's hiding like a rat.
[Tory] That's what rats do.
Loading!
It's about to rain down on you, Richard.
In three, two, one Fire!
Ow! What was that?
[Tory] Yes! Direct hit.
[Tory laughing]
[Richard] I knew it!
- You built yourself a slingshot!
- Nope.
Not a slingshot.
What is it?
A ballista.
- You've got a blister?
- No.
It's a ballista,
but it does give me blisters.
It gives me all the firing power I need
to rain down fruit on you.
- Who invented those?
- You know,
the Greeks invented it,
but the Romans dominated with it.
- I'm loading now.
- It's not rapid fire?
No, it's a bit clunky,
but it's just a prototype.
[Richard] Just before you do fire,
it's been really nice talking.
Good to catch up.
It's good talking to you too.
All right, are we back at it?
Yeah! Rain down death.
Here we go. In three
- Wait a minute!
- two, one, fire!
[Richard screaming]
[action music]
Take cover! Hiding!
[Tory] Fire!
[Richard screaming]
I don't wanna die
in a fruit salad!
Run away!
Combat zigzags! Oh, ow!
Right up the arse.
Fire!
Ow! Death from the skies!
Fruity death!
Fire!
[thudding]
Oh!
Are you done yet?
Fire!
Oh! I've had more than my five a day.
U-S-A!
U-S-A!
Sorry.
So, the ballista worked
way better than I thought.
But I should've guessed it,
Richard would take it badly
and then go do something stupid.
[intriguing music]
Wow, he really drones on.
How does he get so many book deals?
This doesn't help me
figure him out at all
Who is Richard Hammond?
[engine revving]
[upbeat music]
[Richard laughing]
Not my tank!
- [Richard laughing]
- Not my tank!
My tank now!
[Richard] Oh yeah!
Yeah, he stole my tank.
It was low on gas,
so he wasn't going far.
And truthfully
I had bigger things to worry about.
[intriguing music]
What's he doing over there?
I can't tell.
He's hiding like a little scared animal,
that's for sure.
[sighing]
The last of the fresh drinking water.
I didn't want it to come to this, but
It's a good thing I made this.
It's my crude urine distillery.
How does it work?
I'll tell you.
So what I've been doing is collecting
my own piss in this metal bucket.
Underneath it, I've built a fire.
It's going to keep the urine boiling.
I put a lid on top of that
and attach that to a hose.
Now, all that steam
starts travelling up that hose
and goes around
and around the hose
and as it's travelling through it,
it's condensing back into liquid.
I know it's not gonna taste
like regular water!
But it's gonna be a better flavour
than drinking straight piss.
As it gets to the bottom,
I have another container
that is collecting that fluid.
So what I'm gonna do now
is take a little of my own urine
and get this cloth wet.
What's that gonna do?
The evaporative cooling
will allow the steam inside the tube
to condense faster,
so I can get more drinking water.
[sighing]
Yes, I'm gonna test it.
[intriguing music]
[coughing]
If I'd known he was drinking
his own urine,
I'd have strung it out for weeks.
What is wrong with you people?
I wasn't the one downing cups of wee!
And I didn't string it out.
I decided it was time to get straight on
with my massive treehouse attack plan.
[suspenseful music]
[Tory] Enemy approaching.
What did he do?
He's armoured the tank!
I'm coming at you now, my friend.
This is the heavy armoured division.
[laughing]
All right. In three, two, one!
Fire!
[Tory] Yes!
[Richard laughing]
[groaning]
The fruits are not getting through.
[Richard laughing]
Oh, looks like
you added armour to the tank.
Oh, I got a proper tank,
British invention.
We know what we're doing with these.
- [Tory] Is somebody scared?
- Yes, I can smell fear.
It's from over there because you are
staring down
a four pineapple-shot magazine,
heavy artillery piece
in the back of this.
The breech comes out,
lifts a handle
and the breech rolls across,
next fresh breech rolls in
with the next pineapple.
[laughing] You're gonna die,
my friend!
Oh. Well done!
You mounted the pineapple cannon
to the tank.
- [Tory] My tank!
- Hang on a second.
- Let me aim this
- Hey, Richard.
- Yes?
- I have a question.
What?
How are you running it?
Is it running on your hooch?
It's running on the tiny bit
of petrol I'd saved.
Let me get on with it now.
I'm bringing about your destruction.
Oh, and by the way, it's aluminium!
You mean "aloominum"?
Is that what you covered the tank in?
And it's called a car bonnet.
Have this!
[dramatic music]
[laughing] You missed!
Nice cannon!
You should learn how to aim it!
Incoming!
[dramatic music]
That was close!
I'm just re-loading.
Ow, I'm cutting my thumb off!
Ow!
Incoming!
Whoa!
This just got real!
Richard, that was really close.
- [thudding]
- Oh!
[laughing]
Right in the lavatory!
Boom! Bang!
What an opening salvo!
But then I had to go back to base
for more pineapples.
Ammo.
And that's when Tory had
his annoyingly good idea.
[engine]
He's retreating?
Where is he going?
I don't have a good feeling about this.
What did they do
in the old days against tanks?
That's it, Clarkson!
We'll gas him out!
So it was Clarkson's idea?
I know, I know.
It was a dirty trick,
but a classic anti-tank move.
And that's why I started building
the vortex cannon.
All right, once I get the cone shape,
I can make my vortex cannon.
Now what I'm thinking,
is taking some hot chilli peppers.
Grind them up, dry them out,
and make a chilli smoke.
Then I'll load it into my cannon
and fire a giant,
hot burning ring
towards Richard's face!
I'll need some kind of fuel
to make the explosion inside
the cannon for this to work.
Huh?
You know what?
Richard probably
has something in his room.
[intriguing music]
There's gotta be something
flammable in here.
[sighing]
Where did he get that?
Hello!
Ah!
Hairspray!
That's flammable.
His vanity is going to be his downfall.
No wonder his hair looks so good.
Please explain to me
this vortex cannon.
Now a vortex is
a super stable ring of spinning air.
I knew it was going to be strong enough
to hold bits of chilli.
A big push from something flammable,
I could aim it, and fire at him.
[upbeat music]
Hey guys, it's Tory Belleci again,
taking over for Richard Hammond,
on Hammondland TV.
He's still hiding in his foxhole.
But he has stolen my tank
and armoured it, so
he's pushed me to fight dirty,
so I have built this.
[upbeat music]
It's my vortex cannon!
Let me show you how it works.
I took a car battery,
attached the car battery
to a sparkplug.
That's gonna give me my ignition.
My fuel is his own hairspray.
How fitting is that?
It will get mixed with the oxygen.
All I need to do is push this button
and it'll explode the gases
inside the tank.
And all those hot gases
will come firing out
the muzzle of my cannon.
Now look at its shape.
It is shaped like a cone,
and that cone
is going to create a vortex.
What's a vortex, you ask?
Well, in this case,
it's gonna be
a chilli smoke ring of doom,
headed straight for Richard's face.
Let's work on the ammunition.
I have some hot red chillies.
I'm going to put them in this pot,
cook them and create smoke
and that's the smoke I'm gonna put
in my cannon to fire at Richard.
Ready for this? Here we go.
All right.
My chillies are cooked.
It's time to test the smoke.
[coughing]
I think that's going to work.
[suspenseful music]
Tory, I'm back. You coming out to play?
Welcome back, Hammond.
Hello, what's that?
I got rid of the ballista
and made a vortex cannon.
They're the ones that blow
like a puff of air?
- Yup.
- Argh, he's gonna hit me with air!
And I'm in a tank.
Right, advancing. Prepare to die!
Bring it!
[action music]
[engine revving]
Get ready
for my smoking ring of fire!
In three, two, one!
Ow! What was that!
Oh hello?
Oh! Oh! That is horrible.
I can't breathe!
Oh no! Or see.
I can't see a thing!
Kind of hard to drive a tank
when you can't see, huh?
[screaming]
Stop doing that, Tory!
Choke on this, Hammond!
Ow! Stop firing that thing!
I can't see where I'm going!
You want some more?
Feel the burn, Hammond!
Ow! Stop doing that!
[laughing]
I can't see where I'm going.
Richard, watch out!
You're gonna hit the waterwheel.
- [thudding]
- Oh, hang on! What was that? Oh god!
[cracking]
[Tory] Richard!
Oh my god!
Richard?
You okay, little buddy?
Say something!
I think we've gone too far
Maybe I used too much chilli powder.
Yeah, um, that's how
we smashed up our own beach.
[intriguing music]
Oh god!
What have we done?
Richard!
- You're alive!
- Yeah.
- I thought you were dead.
- So did I What happened?
You crashed into the waterwheel,
it fell on you.
- I thought you were dead.
- No, before that.
Oh, I hit you
with the burning chilli pepper smoke.
That's why you couldn't see.
- What, that gas?
- Yeah.
- You gassed me?
- Yeah.
That was chemical warfare!
Technically, they were organic peppers,
so it was like
- organic warfare?
- I was blind. I couldn't breathe.
That's chemical warfare.
That's illegal in most countries!
- You very nearly killed me!
- But you're alive!
- You were gonna kill me!
- What are you doing?
[Richard groaning]
[Tory] We shouldn't be fighting!
[both groaning]
[Richard] You basically tried to kill me!
Wait, wait a minute.
I got a stitch.
- I'm getting too old for this.
- Yeah.
Richard, this is your fault.
- You shouldn't have shot the flares.
- It's your fault.
You shouldn't have stolen Clarkson.
- Speaking of which
- Where is Clarkson?
[suspenseful music]
- [Richard] You are not
- Yes I am!
- [Richard] No, you are not!
- Yes, I am.
[Richard] You are so not!
[Richard] Oh no!
[dramatic music]
[alarm blaring]
[Richard] Oh, brilliant. Brilliant!
That is incredible.
You've actually managed
to make things worse.
[Tory] This is awesome.
We're going to die like this.
I don't care!
[vultures crying]
This is exactly how I wanted to go.
Stuck next to you.
Starving to death.
Eaten by buzzards.
Vultures.
[suspenseful music]
[Tory] Oh my god!
This is torture!
[intriguing music]