The Great North (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - Look up there - What do you see? Nature and stuff - Like a rock - And a tree Oh, the Great North Way up here, you can breathe the air Catch some fish Or gaze at a bear Wow Oh, the Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we'll stay, oh, whoo From longest night to longest day in the Great North.
May I have the clam chowder margarita? Sounds yummy, and I'll have the bloody tuna mary.
Oh, hey, Dad.
How are things in the seniors curling league? We prefer the "over-36 curling league.
" And things aren't good.
The Beef Sliders have lost focus without Coach Percy.
He's in Arizona having his varicose veins removed.
Good for Percy.
His calves looked like a map of the Montana river system.
We're playing those guys on Saturday.
They're a cruise ship crew from San Diego, and the humiliation of losing to beach folk is unthinkable.
I saw one of them practicing in flip-flops the other day.
I have to be honest, I don't totally get curling.
Well, it's an exquisite game with complexities that could fill a thousand books, so no one ever totally "gets it.
" - Fun.
- The Beef Sliders are gonna need extra practice, so I need you to man the boat for a couple days.
Oh, cool, Dad, because I have a new idea for the boat.
As long as your new idea is the old idea of catching and selling fish, I like it very much.
That's exactly what I was gonna say.
San Diego? More like san di-yeah-bro! I wish I could ask you-know-who to come help us.
Dad, you know that's a terrible idea.
- Who's you-know-who? - Judy.
- Our Judy? - The very same.
It's too bad her passion can be so unbridled, 'cause no one knows the game like her.
Curling unleashes something deep, hideous, and unholy in Judy.
That's why she got kicked off her old team the curlfriends and why we had to stop curling together.
I do miss spending time with her, but as a family, we've agreed to never say the "C" word around the "J" word.
The sport that shall not be named.
So I guess I'll just put that idea in a bucket and pour it back into the sea.
Bon voyage, idea.
So what did everybody do today? Dawson cut his thumb in little whittlers again.
That kid always did have a sloppy push stroke.
I drew a tree in art class, but everyone thought it was broccoli.
Hmm, just goes to show, we're all on different journeys.
How did curling practice go, Dad? - Oops.
- Oh, god.
Uh, curling practice, you say? Uh, Judy, you're home early from jazz yoga.
Honey, are you okay? - Do you need to go lie down? - I'm fine.
Or maybe a glass of warm tap water? Seriously, I'm fine.
You can talk about curling in front of me all you want.
Or I could recap last night's episode of Dr.
Judge.
It all started when Dr.
Jason Judge got a strange phone call.
Thanks for meeting me out here on the side deck, guys.
Dad has entrusted me to run the boat operations for the next couple days, so I have two words that will nuke your noggins.
Sunset sail? How did you know I was gonna say that? You always talk about how we should be using - the boat for Sunset sails.
- Even in your sleep.
You also talk about some novel you want to write.
The Pentagon paradigm? Nobody steal that.
Okay, and I talk about sunset sails a lot for good reason.
Because it's high time we Tobins dipped our boat breadstick in the tourism marinara.
Can't people just look up wherever they are and see the sunset - if they want to? - I guess.
But what better place to see it than from the deck of the Mighty Kathleen? When I'm standing in a big pile of fish guts at the end of a hard day, and I look up at the sky and soak in that mysterious orange majesty, I want to share its glory - with the whole wide world.
- That's beautiful, babe.
I know Dad doesn't want us to use the boat like this, but once he understands all the mozzarella we can make, he'll be on his knees begging for more.
Who's juiced? - I'm juiced.
- Sort of juiced.
If you believe in it, then I believe in it, babe.
And I do.
Oh, how I do.
Judy, can you pass me that mug? You mean slide it to you as if it were an expertly thrown stone on pebbled ice? Yeah.
No problem.
Honey, I understand you have a gift, but it comes at too high a price.
Dad, you need help on your team, and no one knows the beautiful game better than me.
- It's not worth the risk.
- I've changed, Dad! Sure, I used to be a fiery volcano, but now I'm a Hawaiian island where people come to relax.
New Judy is totally different, man.
- It's only been a year.
- Exactly! That's so long.
Think about everything that happens in a year Salmon fest, Halibut fest, Crab fest, Eel I have the Lone Moose city council's calendar of festivals, Judy.
The answer is "no.
" And before the game even started, I made most of the other players cry.
Yeah, you were probably just trying to psych out the other team.
No, I made my own teammates cry.
And my coach, Mr.
Jardine.
Boy, did he cry.
Whew.
Well, at least you're not missing much.
Curling seems kind of boring and pointless.
Pointless? Haven't I ever told you the story of Stan Donovan, the world's greatest curler? - No, but I'm good.
- On January 12, 1962, he and his brothers were on an expedition, making their way across Jackfish lake, when suddenly Corned Beef and cabbage! We're on jeezly thin ice! But Stan told his brothers to lie down to distribute their weight as evenly as possible.
And then he curled each brother to safety.
Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Stan then curled himself to safety by pushing off a frozen beaver corpse with his foot.
Huh.
A real hero of the north.
Judy.
It's me.
Your father.
- Beef Tobin.
- Sorry, I got to deal with this.
That's cool, I'll just stand here till you get back.
Come on in, I was just drinking decaf espresso on the steep, icy roof.
Good, I just wanted you to know I loved it when we curled together, and I was sad when we stopped.
But when we played the little rocks and you cut off Aurora's pigtail, held it above your head and screamed as if you were surging with power, well, that sort of changed things.
I know.
It doesn't matter anyway, Dad.
It's not like I spend tons of time looking at, polishing and arranging my collection of curling trophies and awards.
And, yes, the pigtail is in there.
- I believe I earned it.
- Wow.
I remember when you were on curlfriends.
We always got hot milks before each match.
And after, we got whale tail ice cream.
Lot of dairy, lot of diarrhea, but, boy, were those some good times.
And you and I were a winning Team Driving to the rink In the cab of my old truck Listened to the best of pink We almost hit a buck I taught you how to throw And you showed me how to sweep It was fun to watch you grow It was fun to make them weep Our time, it brought me joy I vanquished and destroyed It gave us time to talk I would humiliate and mock That cafe that we ate in They called me spawn of Satan I used to be deranged But I promise you I've changed Let's get the team - Back together - Maybe you're on to something.
Yeah, let's get the team - Back together - Maybe we're onto something.
Let's get the team back together.
Welcome to the team, Coach Judy.
I can't wait to get diarrhea together again, Dad.
To avoid any of the pitfalls of the past, I need to institute a few new ground rules.
Totally agree.
You can't actually play the game yourself.
- You're strictly coaching.
- Yep.
- You can't only let the best players play.
- Sure.
You can't give the players mean nicknames.
Like "bad with a broom Brandy.
" it was "butt broom barfhole Brandy.
" Yes, nothing like that, please.
And you definitely can't snap any curling brooms in half - with the might of your fury.
- You got it, Dad.
And if you do need to get out some aggression, it's always okay to join me in yelling encouragingly to the sweepers.
Like this sweep! That's the stuff.
But there is one last rule we need to talk about.
- Okay.
- We always get hot milks on the way to the rink.
Keep cleaning, crew.
We have a lovely German couple coming this afternoon to enjoy a resplendent Sonnenuntergang segel.
That's, uh, Deutsch for "Sunset sail.
" And Deutsch is German for "German.
" Are these tourists paying us? How much mozzarella are we talking? None! Before you get the cheese, you have to please the customers.
- What? - I'm saying we need some good word of mouth and positive reviews before we can ask people to pay, you knucklehead.
I love when you pull out that big business brain.
But we will get a big tip, in the form of their happiness.
Cha-ching! Now, let's go over our different roles.
Moon, you're our entertainment coordinator.
Ham, refreshments.
Honeybee, hospitality and me? This is your captain speaking.
I couldn't find a captain's hat, which is why I drew an anchor on this beret.
Oh, that's an anchor, thank god.
Beef Sliders, you all know me: Delmer, you're my godfather.
Belva, you're my neighbor.
Morris, I mowed your lawn, - like two summers ago.
- You did it too short.
Oh, god, this again.
Anyway, I want you to forget all that 'cause I'm here as your coach, and I have one mission.
To teach you how to stomp ass! And also to have so much fun and just enjoy curling and each other.
I brought circle bit bites from Mr.
and Mrs.
Donut.
You sure did, Delmer now let's get in the stone zone.
Sweep! The settlers thought that every moose they saw here was the same moose in different places.
Which is why they called it Lone Moose.
It wasn't until they decided to kill the one Lone Moose, and then another moose showed up that they realized there were lots of moose.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Toot, toot! Our next stop is Seal rock take it away, ham! "Seal rock is where seals like to sunbathe.
I hope someone brought sunscreen, ha ha.
" Does vessel have wi-fi? Uh, you guys stay here for a minute and, uh, take a selfie with the seals.
I-I like to call them sealfies.
Heh.
Guys, guys, guys! I think the Germans are getting bored.
I think they showed up bored.
Those two are major duds.
Well, then it's our job as "entertainmen-preneurs" to unbore/un-dud them.
We're gonna surround them like a pod of dolphins surround a shark, and bash their gills with hospitality until the sunset shows up and blows their German minds.
Moon, you brought your guitar, right? Do you know "Caribbean queen"? I only know Green Day's "Time of your life" - and also "Round and round" by Ratt.
- "Time of your life" will do.
Honeybee, if this side-splitting Alaska-themed joke book can't make them smile, nothing can.
I'm gonna be like TBS in the mid-2000s very funny.
And, Ham, I was gonna save your German chocolate cake for later, but looks like we might have to break glass, 'cause this is an emergency.
It's showtime.
- Oh, hey, guys! - Can we leave boat? Guys, you should really reconsider.
You didn't see the sunset yet.
That's the big show.
It's gorgeous and humbling.
- But they didn't see the sunset yet.
- I know, sweetie.
- It's so beautiful.
- I know, I know.
Great work today, Sliders.
And, Delmer, that was the perfect array of doughnut flavors.
Was there enough honey-dipped? Just take the compliment, Delmer.
Okay, let's win big tomorrow.
- Beef - Sliders! - I'll go warm up the van.
- Ooh, tasty shot, caleb.
That's how we do it in San Diego.
And, guys, I just want to say if you screw this up, I will murder every last one of you.
Bash, bash! Just kidding.
Bash.
Good lord, Judy! Great, you're awake.
You and I have some strategies to go over.
Read up and meet me outside in five minutes - to head to the rink.
- But it's 3:45 in the morning.
I don't get up for another 20 minutes.
It's game day, Dad.
Hurry hard, Tobin.
Now, the best curlers out there have complete control over how much weight they put on the stone.
So that's why we are going to curl with no stone.
- But where is the stone? - Really, Morris? I just explained that.
It's imaginary.
Now slide that pretend rock.
Too much weight.
Shape up, Tyrana-Morris Rex.
Get it? Because you're ancient, and your arms are too short.
Coach Judy, this kind of arbitrary criticism might not help everyone's confidence right now.
- The game's in just a few hours.
- Exactly.
These Beef Sliders are still real pink in the middle.
The invisible stone just went behind you, Belva.
- Are you blind?! - Yes, I'm legally blind.
Maybe we should take a break.
Take a break? Your whole lives are a break.
- Judy - Ugh, fine, we'll take a break.
Everyone, gather 'round.
We're gonna watch some clips of a professional curler so you guys can see everything you're doing wrong, which is everything.
- Who likes Annette Norberg? - Oh, hell yeah.
It's Norberg time.
Guys, I went to the Germans' hotel, found them, and talked them into coming back on a Sunset sail today.
Sure, they were very freaked out to see me, but they were also super juiced to give me another shot.
So this go 'round, we're upping the romance.
We got sexy rose petals leading to a sexy table that will be filled with sexy drinks.
Are we making money this time? Better than that, baby brother, we're making love.
Dolla-dolla Bill, y'all.
There he is.
Welcome back to your Sunset sail, Werner.
There's an oil refinery to the west, and its pollution is bringing out every shade of orange.
Even those dark pumpkins and marmalades.
Uh, where is your lovely girlfriend? She said she meets me here.
She is not here? Uh, we haven't seen her.
But it's no problem.
I'm sure she'll be here any minute.
Yep, any second now.
Perhaps she has grown bored of me.
I will call to her telephone.
This is completely messing up our sail skedge.
Okay, I say if she doesn't show up in the next 30 minutes, we leave her a rowboat and a note with - our sunset coordinates.
- Ziska does not answer.
I bet she just fell off a cliff or something.
Or maybe she's not coming on purpose because she doesn't want to be here.
Either way, I'm sure she's not dead.
If Ziska is breaking up with this guy, it's even more important to show him a good time.
I mean, imagine the review: "the Sunset sail that cured my broken heart.
" Yeah, let's wine him, dine him and 49 him.
In numerology, 49 represents satisfaction.
Love it.
One, two, three.
Sunset sail! I will never tire of hearing you guys say that.
Whoo! Hoobastank! Judy, we're through two ends, and Delmer hasn't played yet.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- So when are you gonna put him in? Maybe when the sun crashes into the moon, and time folds in on itself? Look, Dad, I'm never putting him in.
- He's old and he's terrible.
- Circle bit bite? Hi, Delmer.
Thank you.
Judy, you have to put him in.
I want to win as much as the next person, but not if it means hurting Delmer.
He started this team, and he owns this rink, for god's sake.
Good for him.
I'm not going to let some dead weight octogenarian buy his way into my lineup.
And that's why I say this with all due respect, - get off my nut sack, Dad! - Okay, hand over your whistle.
Wait, no.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, sorry.
That was just a momentary lapse.
I'm calm.
Ah, I am drinking my hot milk.
Mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Oh, look, you're up.
Go get 'em, m'Dad.
What about this joke? "You might be an Alaskan fisherman if you wear your fishing waders to the opera.
" - Okay.
- And here we are.
The lovers' lava.
Don't worry, the lava isn't real.
It's just blended strawberry daiquiri.
Ziska loves tiny mountains.
But you know what, Werner? Lovers' lavas aren't just for couples.
Lots of dudes have romantic cocktails by themselves.
Like after racquetball, or after motorcycle practice.
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Round and round What goes around comes around I tell you why-ee, why-ee, why-ee! It's the last throw of the end.
They've got three stones in the house.
Your house, Dad.
And those stones are having a house party, making a mess, playing loud music, even kissing in restricted bedrooms.
- Not restricted bedrooms.
- Break up that party.
Hard! Hard! Hard! Hard! - Aww - Curl-afornia.
- Butt biscuits! - Judy.
How could you waste the hammer on a biter like that? You couldn't even push off the hack without dumping the hammer on a perfectly pebbled sheet.
That's below the belt.
And Morris, you don't attempt a Manitoba tuck on swingy ice.
I'm gonna go call my wife.
Did you guys forget everything I taught you? - It's like amateur hour out there.
- This is an amateur league.
Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, amateur league.
You might as well be farting out your mouth.
It's insane how much better I am at curling than all of you combined.
Do I have to sub myself in and salvage this turd show? - Okay, fine, I will.
- Judy, no.
You're not over 36.
- Well, you're not over thirty suck! - That's it, you're fired.
What? What did you say to me? What? Go have a seat and let us finish the game.
- No! Let me throw, damn it.
- This way, honey.
Who do you think you are, Beef Sliders? More like Barf Sliders! Look at me.
Me Beef.
Me push rock.
Duh Where's the grace? Where's the finesse? Have fun losing, losers.
I am a curling god! Remember that.
I am a curling god! Judy, where are you going? I'm your ride.
Ugh! Fine.
Bavarian bit bite? Soak it in, my ger-man.
There's beauty all around you.
- It is Ziska.
- Hello? Where are you? See? Everything's gonna be fine.
Ziska goes to Amsterdam with my brother Heinrich.
- He is taller.
- Bummer for sure.
But, hey, you know what cures a broken heart? Staring at a beautiful sunset.
The lights are dimming 'cause it's time for the feature presentation, and it's gonna be a doozer.
I mean, look at that sky.
Gorgeous.
Oh, my god, an orca and her calf? What the toast?! Did you see that? I'll be in the bathroom, not crying, just making poop.
Werner, come back, buddy.
You're missing a killer sunset, man.
Again.
Damn it, this Sunset sail - is a total sunset fail.
- No, it isn't.
Because you know who can enjoy this? You can.
With us.
I feel like I'm looking at a brochure, - and the brochure is all around us.
- Pretty dope.
I'm leaving you guys a great review.
You're great.
And I love you.
Send.
Round and round.
Hmm.
What goes around comes around.
As you may have just witnessed, there have been some personnel changes, so as team skip, I am reordering the lineup.
Delmer, get in there, my friend.
Me? But the match is almost over, and we're down.
Yes, we are, Delmer.
And I think I speak for all curlers over 36 when I say: We believe in you.
Let's show these Californians and my daughter Judy what Alaskan curling is all about.
Hell yeah.
Here comes a D-slap.
Aah! Oh, no.
Delmer's dead! Wait.
Good news.
He's just very, very badly hurt.
- How is the old codger doing? - His hip came unscrewed.
They have to order a part from Fairbanks.
It should be here in about two weeks.
Look, Dad, I'm sorry.
You were right.
It was a bad idea to let me coach.
No.
No, no, no.
Look, Judy, this was my fault.
I'm the parent, and I made a bad parenting call.
I knew you couldn't handle a return to the crystal court, but I was selfish.
I missed our special time together.
You're so busy now you have your job and your school and your all-girl pan flute group.
- What's it called again? - The She-ter pans.
- Right.
And, well, I missed you.
- I missed you, too, Dad.
And, you know, I bet if just you and I curled together - during off hours, maybe - No chance in hell, honey.
I know, you're right.
- Curling turns me into a monster.
- It does.
But I was excited to spend time with you, too, Dad.
We really bonded over curling.
And it's the only hobby of mine that you've shown - a huge interest in.
- Ouch, my heart.
Judy, I love spending time with you, no matter what you do.
So maybe we can find a new activity - we can do together.
- Oh, that would be great! Because I have so many new interests.
Like toastmastering, upcycling, food styling, european clowning, non-ironic street art, urban foraging, scatting, just to name a few.
Be-do-be-do-be-do-do-wah! I don't understand what just happened, but we will find something.
And then we just "improvise" - a scene together.
- Interesting.
Dad, Judy, uh, this is Werner.
He's s German tourist whose girlfriend ditched him mid-vacation and took all his money.
Classic Ziska.
Anyway, he's gonna stay with us for a few days while he figures out how to get home.
Ooh, you guys are just in time to watch me and Dad's first improv performance! All right, uh, someone give me a suggestion.
Oh.
Metal shoes.
Great.
I think I heard "metal shoes.
" Okay.
Hello.
I'm interested in trying on some of your metal shoes.
Do you have some in a size seven? - No.
- Good one, Dad! Great.
Do you have a size six? - No.
Go away.
- Okay.
I'll come back tomorrow.
- And scene.
- We have a size five.
Oh, no, Dad, the scene Uh, you know what? - Sure.
I'll try them on.
- And scene.
This is the story of a snow-farin' man Who curled over mountains and curled over land One day he and his brothers got marooned on jeezly ice But he curled them all to safety And his hair still looked nice The world's greatest curler Big Stan, the world's greatest man When Stanley curled a grizzly, he also pushed a puffin Curled his best gal to the altar as if it were nothin' In the history of curlers, he's the top guy And if you look up in the night You'll see him curling in the sky The world's greatest curler Big Stan, the world's greatest man Big Stan, the world's greatest man!