The Guest Book (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Story Five
1 Ooh, tonight is the night, man.
Mm, "The Guest Book" is on.
Whoo! Hey, it's not too late to catch up, especially since, basically it's a new story each episode.
But the people in the town They have some stuff going on, too.
The doctor that lives next door to the cabin is preparing for his wife to come visit.
But the little lady cop is bummed out, 'cause I think she has a mad crush on him.
And remember how I told you the stripper's blackmailing the guy who rents the cabins? Well, she found someone to rent Froggy Cottage, so I think this week, that's who's gonna stay there.
[SIGHS.]
Damn.
Do you have a dollar I could borrow? - Thanks.
- You gonna watch the show? You gonna watch the show? You gonna watch the show? Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
PEDRO: So, what brings you to México? Let me guess - A beautiful woman.
- No, beautiful women are too much work.
I prefer slightly older, slightly damaged women with big bank accounts.
Look.
This one bought me a car.
This one paid for my calf implants.
And this one here is the reason I'm in Mexico.
BLAKE: No one is 100% honest in their online dating profile.
Mine doesn't disclose that I have webbed toes, and Marta's failed to mention that she made her fortune selling cocaine.
But who am I to judge people on how they pay my bills? Hey, baby.
Since you like poems so much, I wrote one for you.
"Roses are red, violets are blue.
"Time to dry off and put your wiener "inside Mommy.
" [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [GUNS COCKING.]
- [UNDER BREATH.]
Mierda.
- I can't go to jail.
I'm too pretty, and I know too much about thread count.
I'll testify.
She told me she gets her drugs from the Colombian cartel.
Puta rata! [HOCKS, SPITS.]
Ohh, man! Not ladylike, Marta! Not ladylike in the least! [SIREN WHOOPS, RADIO CHATTER.]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
They want me to take your statement here rather than risk you being seen at the station.
The Colombian cartel have people everywhere.
But If you want a little free advice, if you just keep your mouth shut, you'll be out in a year.
If you testify, there'll be a price on your head for the rest of your life.
Aw, don't worry about me, buddy.
I got enough cash hidden away to make sure they'll never find me.
- [WHACK.]
- Oh, shit, shit, shit!! I warned you! They have people everywhere! Realizing they would stop at nothing to keep me from testifying, after a few weeks, the cops decided to move me to a safe house in the mountains.
RICHARD: When you get there, do a sweep for potential weapons.
I will, Dad.
I've been doing this for 20 years.
Besides, [SIGHS.]
I don't think I have much to worry about with this guy.
Call me tonight.
I'm off to a potluck.
- Love you.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
We're out of the city.
You can sit up now.
How do you know Marta's people don't know where you're taking me? I promise you're safe, trust me.
My father's the head of the department, and as you can tell, he's a little overprotective Won't assign me to anything the least bit dangerous or exciting.
I'm six years away from retirement, and I haven't even been shot at yet.
You know what might be exciting? If I didn't have to testify.
You could just drop me off at my apartment, let me grab a few things, let me disappear.
Yeah, right.
If you like, we could get to know each other a little while we're there.
Keep dreaming.
BLAKE: If this woman was heavier, older, or uglier, I might have had a shot.
But my powers don't tend to work on anything above a five.
[SNIP.]
I think they're here.
If you don't mind, could you at least go over the Froggy Cottage house rules with them? We're the ones doing the blackmailing, dipshit.
- We make the rules, not you.
- [CAR DOORS OPEN.]
Holy shit.
That guy looks like a weatherman or something.
I-I got to go find my eyelashes.
- TRINA: Hi.
- Hi.
- We're here to pick up some keys.
- Um, yeah.
Come on in.
"The downstairs toilet needs to be "handled with care, a frown symbol.
"The bolts are loose, a smile symbol.
" - Those are parenthesis.
- "No pets.
"No smoking.
" A famous poet once said that in order to create, one must first observe.
And I was observing that I might have found the perfect woman to help me create my escape.
FRANK: "Do not feed the wildlife.
"Please shower prior to using the hot tub.
"And lastly, no jumping on the bed.
"No jumping on the couch.
- "No jumping on" - We're not gonna be doing any jumping.
Let's go.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Aw, man, I got to go to the bathroom.
- [SCOFFS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
- [DOOR CREAKS AND BANGS.]
- What's with all the secrecy? - Are you scared of your chauffeur? - She's a cop, and I'm her prisoner.
Oh, my God, that is so hot.
Normally, I enjoy a little cat-and-mousing when I romance a woman.
But I needed this stripper to fall in love with me fast.
- [HEAVY BREATHING.]
- From the second I saw you, I knew there was something between us.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I felt it, too.
It was like a thunderbolt.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I wish we could be together.
I mean, we could if you No, I should go.
If If I what? If you help me escape.
I've got a suitcase full of cash stashed in my apartment.
If you can bring it back here and follow a few simple instructions, you and I could be making love on a Mexican beach.
I'm in.
[LOWERED VOICE.]
This is unbelievable.
Unbelievable! [LOWERED VOICE.]
I don't know why you're being a dick.
Maybe because I invited you up here for the weekend, so we can work on our marriage, and you brought a date and you brought a date.
Well, if you didn't want me to bring a guest, you should have been more specific in your text.
Stop using so many emojis.
- It makes you look like a pussy.
- [LOUDLY.]
I was trying to You're trying to make me yell, look like a monster in front of Bryce.
- I'm not gonna play your game.
- No, you'll play your own game and try to look cooler than me by getting our son a crossbow.
By the way, that's about to backfire.
Cool! Dad, he hit the bull's-eye! You can't even hit the target.
Where'd you meet this guy again? At the archery range.
Bull's-eye!! [GRUNTS.]
[RATTLES.]
[GRUNTS.]
BLAKE: Oh, no! [PHONE RINGS.]
Chubbys.
We won't tell if you don't.
Yeah, we got a serious problem with the toilet.
- It fell over.
- Oh, my.
Well, I'm so sorry to hear that.
These wrenches are expensive.
This is the biggest one - I could fit down my pant.
- Shh! I'll be there as soon as I can.
[PHONE BEEPS, ANTENNA CLICKS.]
Hey, Kombucha, powder your clam.
You're working a double shift tonight.
My new boyfriend needs me.
I like this story.
You have a really good way with words.
Thanks! I majored in poetry.
Look at you A poet gigolo.
[CHUCKLES.]
Poet gigolo.
Yeah.
I like that.
If they ever make my story into a movie, - I'm gonna pitch that as a title.
- I have a cousin who works at Disney.
In the park, but I bet he knows someone.
Anyway, where were we? Sorry about this.
Hopefully we can get your potty back up on its feet.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[RING.]
Hey, Dad.
Yes, everything is fine, except plumbing issues.
No, I didn't drink milk.
I'm talking about the house.
- [BOTH MOUTHING WORDS.]
- No, the owner's here, and she's trying to fix it.
Some stripper.
[CONTINUING MOUTHING WORDS.]
No, you're right.
You're right.
I I-I'll get rid of her.
You know what? We'll just use the bathroom upstairs.
You can go.
Oh, okay.
Well, if you have any more problems, feel free to give me a call.
I'll be at Chubbys [SEDUCTIVELY.]
All night.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You can watch TV for a while if you want Anything but "American Horror Story.
" That shit is dumb as hell.
Um, I think I might brush my teeth.
Sink still works, right? I assume so, yep.
[CLICK.]
[WHISPERING.]
Hey, Dad.
It's me.
Yeah, I know it's been a while.
No, no, don't have Mom jump on.
I need to ask you a question.
No, I can't talk louder.
I'm At a library.
Hey, you remember the time you accidentally knocked me out with a softball bat when I was 7? Yeah, do you remember how hard you hit me, do you know, knock me out but not kill me? Was it [SIGHS.]
Hi, Mom.
No, I hadn't heard about Aunt Rose.
'Cause I'm at a library! Is that a sonnet? No.
Maybe.
Why? You just don't see a lot of people writing sonnets, - that's all.
- I I-It's not really Sometimes I I like to write down my feelings.
I minored in poetry, so How'd you know it was a sonnet? I majored in poetry.
Let's hear it.
[SIGHS.]
I can't believe I'm doing this.
"As darkness falls upon my story, "is all my triumph in the past? "When I look back on all the glory, "did I answer what my heart asked? "A journey started with a shout, "slowly turned into a whisper.
"Regrets are had without a doubt, "wishing the end could be crisper.
"Are the hopes and dreams of fools "just windmills in the distance? "Silly dreams for stubborn mules, "on the path of least resistance? "If so, I hope the end comes quick "and no one asks me why "I didn't chase my windmills, "'cause I fear I might just cry.
" [EXHALES.]
You don't understand it, so Of course I do.
"As darkness falls upon my story" It's about getting older.
And then it goes into how your job has become more routine, less exciting.
"A journey started with a shout, slowly turned into a whisper.
" But then you ask the question, "Am I wrong to expect more out of life?" Or "Are the hopes and dreams of fools just windmills in the distance?" It's good.
I don't like the end, though.
It's too sad.
You have two lines left in your sonnet to choose any ending you like, and you went so dark.
I don't see darkness in you.
I see light.
And there - my first seven.
Okay, so, I just had sex with the cop, right? Scratch that We made love.
I might have to see if we can delay the trial so we can stay up here a couple of extra days.
[HAND CUFFS CLICKING.]
I'm sorry.
Uh - What are you doing? - Escaping.
Again, - so sorry.
- You used me? No, I didn't.
I promise.
Look, I'm really sorry about this.
It's not everyday I meet someone who shares my passion for poetry.
I actually like you.
That never happens with the women I take advantage of, that I stole but right now there's a suitcase full of cash from my drug-dealing ex-girlfriend being guarded by a stripper named Tickles, so I've got to go.
I'm sorry.
[GRUNTING.]
Oh! "The top of the bedpost in "the downstairs bedroom is loose.
"If it falls off, just put it back.
" [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Blake.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
ANDREW: Wait! Jessica, wait! Please, don't go.
I promise I won't talk about you bringing a date anymore.
And, look, I bought us dinner.
We'll take ours to go.
That bag's just chopsticks and napkins.
Please, you're being crazy.
I only see my son every two weeks.
And who's fault is that? [WHISPERS.]
Asshole! I think this is the slippery shrimp and orange chicken.
You can be a real bitch sometimes, you know that? Sometimes I wish I never met you! [ENGINE STARTS.]
Hey, Daddy didn't mean to yell.
That's not who I am.
Uh I'll see you in a couple weeks, okay, buddy? Hey, I'm gonna practice that crossbow! [VEHICLE DEPARTS.]
Uh come on inside.
Checkbook's in the house.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING, DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
How's the methadone? It's not as good as heroin.
What the hell happened? He attacked me with a wrench.
You were right.
I never should have let the owner of the house in.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I think he's headed to a bikini bar.
I'm sending backup.
Don't go there until they arrive.
- Dad, I can do this alone.
- [CELLPHONE CLICKS.]
What do you mean you're "Giving me the club?" I'm leaving the country.
Rent's due on the first of the month.
Oh, and the beer distributor's been giving me a discount 'cause I blew him in a parking lot, but you'll probably have to start paying full price.
Unless he swings both ways.
It's possible.
He did cry afterwards.
Yeah, I'm gonna pay full price.
But do I have to keep it a bikini bar? 'Cause I always thought we could do better as a sports bar.
Do whatever you want.
I'll be making love on a beach.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Aw, nuts.
This'll be a lot easier if you just tell me where he is.
I told you.
I don't know where he is.
[SIGHS.]
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
He couldn't have gotten far.
I'll be back.
The next time you see your boyfriend, you'll be handcuffed to each other on your way to jail.
[GEARS SHIFT.]
Wait, wait! [TIRES SCREECH.]
[BRAKES SQUEAL.]
Did he really tell you he was my boyfriend? [GEARS SHIFT.]
PEDRO: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell just happened? You're surprised, right? See, as soon as you got me thinking this could be a movie, I left out some stuff to make the ending more unexpected.
Ah, a twist! I love a good twist.
Of course you do.
Everyone loves a twist.
Are you going to tell me what you left out? Yeah, in a sec.
Everyone loves suspense, too.
[COUGHING.]
Okay! Here's what I left out.
Blake.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
ANDREW: Wait! Jessica, wait! [EXHALING.]
Fine.
If you got to shoot me, then shoot me.
At least it'll be quicker than whatever the cartel does to me.
Take me with you.
What? You said the ending of my poem was too sad.
Help me write a new one.
"Riding into the sunset with my brand-new honey "and a suitcase full of some drug dealer's money" is a much better rhyme than "Sitting all alone eating Lean Cuisine, "watching 'Magic Mike' while I diddle my bean.
" My head and my heart, they battle within, if I don't find love now, I have to ask when will I ever find someone as perfect as you? But that stripper has my money, so what can we do? Please! I'm a cop with a badge, she sells peeks at her vag.
I can get all your cash, we'll be gone in a flash.
But in case we get caught, I can't go to jail.
Of course.
So, the story must be that you took me by force.
- [CLANK.]
- [GASPS.]
[CLANGING, THUD.]
Now, that's a great ending.
Thanks.
We didn't actually do all that rhyming at the end, but with the success of "Hamilton," I think I'm gonna put that in the movie.
Oh, I wouldn't.
That shit is starting to get really played out.
- Where's your girl? - Oh, we drove about 3 miles down the road, and I ditched her at a truck stop.
Once I was free and had all my money, I realized her poem kind of sucked.
[SEA BIRDS CALLING.]
How did you get down here? [MOUTH FULL.]
Mm.
I drove her car.
Why? Shit.
You don't think they have a way to track those, do you? Another twist.
Another twist.
- When I see my baby - [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
with that foolishness.
What do I see? Poetry Poetry in motion Poetry in motion Walkin' by my side Her lovely locomotion Keeps my eyes open wide Poetry in motion See her gentle sway A wave out on the ocean Could never move that way I love every movement There's nothing I would change She doesn't need improvement She's much too nice to rearrange Poetry in motion Dancing close to me A flower of devotion A-swaying gracefully Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh, whoa, oh Hi.
My name is Adam.
I'm here to get the keys to Froggy Cottage.
I planned a surprise date.
Ooh.
Mints.
Hmm.
May I? - Knock yourself out.
- Yeah? Uh-huh.
Mm, "The Guest Book" is on.
Whoo! Hey, it's not too late to catch up, especially since, basically it's a new story each episode.
But the people in the town They have some stuff going on, too.
The doctor that lives next door to the cabin is preparing for his wife to come visit.
But the little lady cop is bummed out, 'cause I think she has a mad crush on him.
And remember how I told you the stripper's blackmailing the guy who rents the cabins? Well, she found someone to rent Froggy Cottage, so I think this week, that's who's gonna stay there.
[SIGHS.]
Damn.
Do you have a dollar I could borrow? - Thanks.
- You gonna watch the show? You gonna watch the show? You gonna watch the show? Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
PEDRO: So, what brings you to México? Let me guess - A beautiful woman.
- No, beautiful women are too much work.
I prefer slightly older, slightly damaged women with big bank accounts.
Look.
This one bought me a car.
This one paid for my calf implants.
And this one here is the reason I'm in Mexico.
BLAKE: No one is 100% honest in their online dating profile.
Mine doesn't disclose that I have webbed toes, and Marta's failed to mention that she made her fortune selling cocaine.
But who am I to judge people on how they pay my bills? Hey, baby.
Since you like poems so much, I wrote one for you.
"Roses are red, violets are blue.
"Time to dry off and put your wiener "inside Mommy.
" [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [GUNS COCKING.]
- [UNDER BREATH.]
Mierda.
- I can't go to jail.
I'm too pretty, and I know too much about thread count.
I'll testify.
She told me she gets her drugs from the Colombian cartel.
Puta rata! [HOCKS, SPITS.]
Ohh, man! Not ladylike, Marta! Not ladylike in the least! [SIREN WHOOPS, RADIO CHATTER.]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
They want me to take your statement here rather than risk you being seen at the station.
The Colombian cartel have people everywhere.
But If you want a little free advice, if you just keep your mouth shut, you'll be out in a year.
If you testify, there'll be a price on your head for the rest of your life.
Aw, don't worry about me, buddy.
I got enough cash hidden away to make sure they'll never find me.
- [WHACK.]
- Oh, shit, shit, shit!! I warned you! They have people everywhere! Realizing they would stop at nothing to keep me from testifying, after a few weeks, the cops decided to move me to a safe house in the mountains.
RICHARD: When you get there, do a sweep for potential weapons.
I will, Dad.
I've been doing this for 20 years.
Besides, [SIGHS.]
I don't think I have much to worry about with this guy.
Call me tonight.
I'm off to a potluck.
- Love you.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
We're out of the city.
You can sit up now.
How do you know Marta's people don't know where you're taking me? I promise you're safe, trust me.
My father's the head of the department, and as you can tell, he's a little overprotective Won't assign me to anything the least bit dangerous or exciting.
I'm six years away from retirement, and I haven't even been shot at yet.
You know what might be exciting? If I didn't have to testify.
You could just drop me off at my apartment, let me grab a few things, let me disappear.
Yeah, right.
If you like, we could get to know each other a little while we're there.
Keep dreaming.
BLAKE: If this woman was heavier, older, or uglier, I might have had a shot.
But my powers don't tend to work on anything above a five.
[SNIP.]
I think they're here.
If you don't mind, could you at least go over the Froggy Cottage house rules with them? We're the ones doing the blackmailing, dipshit.
- We make the rules, not you.
- [CAR DOORS OPEN.]
Holy shit.
That guy looks like a weatherman or something.
I-I got to go find my eyelashes.
- TRINA: Hi.
- Hi.
- We're here to pick up some keys.
- Um, yeah.
Come on in.
"The downstairs toilet needs to be "handled with care, a frown symbol.
"The bolts are loose, a smile symbol.
" - Those are parenthesis.
- "No pets.
"No smoking.
" A famous poet once said that in order to create, one must first observe.
And I was observing that I might have found the perfect woman to help me create my escape.
FRANK: "Do not feed the wildlife.
"Please shower prior to using the hot tub.
"And lastly, no jumping on the bed.
"No jumping on the couch.
- "No jumping on" - We're not gonna be doing any jumping.
Let's go.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Aw, man, I got to go to the bathroom.
- [SCOFFS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
- [DOOR CREAKS AND BANGS.]
- What's with all the secrecy? - Are you scared of your chauffeur? - She's a cop, and I'm her prisoner.
Oh, my God, that is so hot.
Normally, I enjoy a little cat-and-mousing when I romance a woman.
But I needed this stripper to fall in love with me fast.
- [HEAVY BREATHING.]
- From the second I saw you, I knew there was something between us.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I felt it, too.
It was like a thunderbolt.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I wish we could be together.
I mean, we could if you No, I should go.
If If I what? If you help me escape.
I've got a suitcase full of cash stashed in my apartment.
If you can bring it back here and follow a few simple instructions, you and I could be making love on a Mexican beach.
I'm in.
[LOWERED VOICE.]
This is unbelievable.
Unbelievable! [LOWERED VOICE.]
I don't know why you're being a dick.
Maybe because I invited you up here for the weekend, so we can work on our marriage, and you brought a date and you brought a date.
Well, if you didn't want me to bring a guest, you should have been more specific in your text.
Stop using so many emojis.
- It makes you look like a pussy.
- [LOUDLY.]
I was trying to You're trying to make me yell, look like a monster in front of Bryce.
- I'm not gonna play your game.
- No, you'll play your own game and try to look cooler than me by getting our son a crossbow.
By the way, that's about to backfire.
Cool! Dad, he hit the bull's-eye! You can't even hit the target.
Where'd you meet this guy again? At the archery range.
Bull's-eye!! [GRUNTS.]
[RATTLES.]
[GRUNTS.]
BLAKE: Oh, no! [PHONE RINGS.]
Chubbys.
We won't tell if you don't.
Yeah, we got a serious problem with the toilet.
- It fell over.
- Oh, my.
Well, I'm so sorry to hear that.
These wrenches are expensive.
This is the biggest one - I could fit down my pant.
- Shh! I'll be there as soon as I can.
[PHONE BEEPS, ANTENNA CLICKS.]
Hey, Kombucha, powder your clam.
You're working a double shift tonight.
My new boyfriend needs me.
I like this story.
You have a really good way with words.
Thanks! I majored in poetry.
Look at you A poet gigolo.
[CHUCKLES.]
Poet gigolo.
Yeah.
I like that.
If they ever make my story into a movie, - I'm gonna pitch that as a title.
- I have a cousin who works at Disney.
In the park, but I bet he knows someone.
Anyway, where were we? Sorry about this.
Hopefully we can get your potty back up on its feet.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[RING.]
Hey, Dad.
Yes, everything is fine, except plumbing issues.
No, I didn't drink milk.
I'm talking about the house.
- [BOTH MOUTHING WORDS.]
- No, the owner's here, and she's trying to fix it.
Some stripper.
[CONTINUING MOUTHING WORDS.]
No, you're right.
You're right.
I I-I'll get rid of her.
You know what? We'll just use the bathroom upstairs.
You can go.
Oh, okay.
Well, if you have any more problems, feel free to give me a call.
I'll be at Chubbys [SEDUCTIVELY.]
All night.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You can watch TV for a while if you want Anything but "American Horror Story.
" That shit is dumb as hell.
Um, I think I might brush my teeth.
Sink still works, right? I assume so, yep.
[CLICK.]
[WHISPERING.]
Hey, Dad.
It's me.
Yeah, I know it's been a while.
No, no, don't have Mom jump on.
I need to ask you a question.
No, I can't talk louder.
I'm At a library.
Hey, you remember the time you accidentally knocked me out with a softball bat when I was 7? Yeah, do you remember how hard you hit me, do you know, knock me out but not kill me? Was it [SIGHS.]
Hi, Mom.
No, I hadn't heard about Aunt Rose.
'Cause I'm at a library! Is that a sonnet? No.
Maybe.
Why? You just don't see a lot of people writing sonnets, - that's all.
- I I-It's not really Sometimes I I like to write down my feelings.
I minored in poetry, so How'd you know it was a sonnet? I majored in poetry.
Let's hear it.
[SIGHS.]
I can't believe I'm doing this.
"As darkness falls upon my story, "is all my triumph in the past? "When I look back on all the glory, "did I answer what my heart asked? "A journey started with a shout, "slowly turned into a whisper.
"Regrets are had without a doubt, "wishing the end could be crisper.
"Are the hopes and dreams of fools "just windmills in the distance? "Silly dreams for stubborn mules, "on the path of least resistance? "If so, I hope the end comes quick "and no one asks me why "I didn't chase my windmills, "'cause I fear I might just cry.
" [EXHALES.]
You don't understand it, so Of course I do.
"As darkness falls upon my story" It's about getting older.
And then it goes into how your job has become more routine, less exciting.
"A journey started with a shout, slowly turned into a whisper.
" But then you ask the question, "Am I wrong to expect more out of life?" Or "Are the hopes and dreams of fools just windmills in the distance?" It's good.
I don't like the end, though.
It's too sad.
You have two lines left in your sonnet to choose any ending you like, and you went so dark.
I don't see darkness in you.
I see light.
And there - my first seven.
Okay, so, I just had sex with the cop, right? Scratch that We made love.
I might have to see if we can delay the trial so we can stay up here a couple of extra days.
[HAND CUFFS CLICKING.]
I'm sorry.
Uh - What are you doing? - Escaping.
Again, - so sorry.
- You used me? No, I didn't.
I promise.
Look, I'm really sorry about this.
It's not everyday I meet someone who shares my passion for poetry.
I actually like you.
That never happens with the women I take advantage of, that I stole but right now there's a suitcase full of cash from my drug-dealing ex-girlfriend being guarded by a stripper named Tickles, so I've got to go.
I'm sorry.
[GRUNTING.]
Oh! "The top of the bedpost in "the downstairs bedroom is loose.
"If it falls off, just put it back.
" [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Blake.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
ANDREW: Wait! Jessica, wait! Please, don't go.
I promise I won't talk about you bringing a date anymore.
And, look, I bought us dinner.
We'll take ours to go.
That bag's just chopsticks and napkins.
Please, you're being crazy.
I only see my son every two weeks.
And who's fault is that? [WHISPERS.]
Asshole! I think this is the slippery shrimp and orange chicken.
You can be a real bitch sometimes, you know that? Sometimes I wish I never met you! [ENGINE STARTS.]
Hey, Daddy didn't mean to yell.
That's not who I am.
Uh I'll see you in a couple weeks, okay, buddy? Hey, I'm gonna practice that crossbow! [VEHICLE DEPARTS.]
Uh come on inside.
Checkbook's in the house.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING, DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
How's the methadone? It's not as good as heroin.
What the hell happened? He attacked me with a wrench.
You were right.
I never should have let the owner of the house in.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I think he's headed to a bikini bar.
I'm sending backup.
Don't go there until they arrive.
- Dad, I can do this alone.
- [CELLPHONE CLICKS.]
What do you mean you're "Giving me the club?" I'm leaving the country.
Rent's due on the first of the month.
Oh, and the beer distributor's been giving me a discount 'cause I blew him in a parking lot, but you'll probably have to start paying full price.
Unless he swings both ways.
It's possible.
He did cry afterwards.
Yeah, I'm gonna pay full price.
But do I have to keep it a bikini bar? 'Cause I always thought we could do better as a sports bar.
Do whatever you want.
I'll be making love on a beach.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Aw, nuts.
This'll be a lot easier if you just tell me where he is.
I told you.
I don't know where he is.
[SIGHS.]
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
He couldn't have gotten far.
I'll be back.
The next time you see your boyfriend, you'll be handcuffed to each other on your way to jail.
[GEARS SHIFT.]
Wait, wait! [TIRES SCREECH.]
[BRAKES SQUEAL.]
Did he really tell you he was my boyfriend? [GEARS SHIFT.]
PEDRO: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell just happened? You're surprised, right? See, as soon as you got me thinking this could be a movie, I left out some stuff to make the ending more unexpected.
Ah, a twist! I love a good twist.
Of course you do.
Everyone loves a twist.
Are you going to tell me what you left out? Yeah, in a sec.
Everyone loves suspense, too.
[COUGHING.]
Okay! Here's what I left out.
Blake.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
ANDREW: Wait! Jessica, wait! [EXHALING.]
Fine.
If you got to shoot me, then shoot me.
At least it'll be quicker than whatever the cartel does to me.
Take me with you.
What? You said the ending of my poem was too sad.
Help me write a new one.
"Riding into the sunset with my brand-new honey "and a suitcase full of some drug dealer's money" is a much better rhyme than "Sitting all alone eating Lean Cuisine, "watching 'Magic Mike' while I diddle my bean.
" My head and my heart, they battle within, if I don't find love now, I have to ask when will I ever find someone as perfect as you? But that stripper has my money, so what can we do? Please! I'm a cop with a badge, she sells peeks at her vag.
I can get all your cash, we'll be gone in a flash.
But in case we get caught, I can't go to jail.
Of course.
So, the story must be that you took me by force.
- [CLANK.]
- [GASPS.]
[CLANGING, THUD.]
Now, that's a great ending.
Thanks.
We didn't actually do all that rhyming at the end, but with the success of "Hamilton," I think I'm gonna put that in the movie.
Oh, I wouldn't.
That shit is starting to get really played out.
- Where's your girl? - Oh, we drove about 3 miles down the road, and I ditched her at a truck stop.
Once I was free and had all my money, I realized her poem kind of sucked.
[SEA BIRDS CALLING.]
How did you get down here? [MOUTH FULL.]
Mm.
I drove her car.
Why? Shit.
You don't think they have a way to track those, do you? Another twist.
Another twist.
- When I see my baby - [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
with that foolishness.
What do I see? Poetry Poetry in motion Poetry in motion Walkin' by my side Her lovely locomotion Keeps my eyes open wide Poetry in motion See her gentle sway A wave out on the ocean Could never move that way I love every movement There's nothing I would change She doesn't need improvement She's much too nice to rearrange Poetry in motion Dancing close to me A flower of devotion A-swaying gracefully Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh, whoa, oh Hi.
My name is Adam.
I'm here to get the keys to Froggy Cottage.
I planned a surprise date.
Ooh.
Mints.
Hmm.
May I? - Knock yourself out.
- Yeah? Uh-huh.