The Iliza Shlesinger Sketch Show (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[upbeat opening credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend ♪
Pretend, pretend
Oh, oh! ♪
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
So even though
you haven't seen Tomas in 20 years,
you're sure he's Maria Elena's father?
- Yes.
- [audience oohs]
I'm 100% positive that he's my baby daddy.
And Maria Elena,
are you ready to meet your father
after all these years?
I mean, he ain't been in my life so far,
but like, whatever he gonna do,
he gonna do.
So, I don't care.
- [audience applauds]
- Okay.
Well, earlier today,
Tomas took a DNA test
to see if he is indeed
- Maria Elena's father.
- [audience oohs]
Let's bring him out,
and reveal these results.
Please welcome Tomas.
- [audience boos]
- Yeah, boo.
- [Karl] Come on out.
- Boo!
I ain't her daddy!
[shouting] I ain't her daddy!
- [booing continues]
- Tomas. Please
- Sit down!
- Fuck you!
Sit down!
- Uh, Tomas
- What?
I I think it's pretty obvious
that Maria Elena's your daughter.
- No, her mom was with lots of dudes.
- [audience shouts]
You lie. I was faithful to you
the whole time!
[yelling] We don't look nothing alike!
- [Karl] I think it's a strong resemblance.
- No. Nuh-uh.
[Karl] Very much so.
You don't see it?
- No.
- I see it.
- [Tomas] See what?
- [Maria Elena] Um,
honestly, we have the same hair.
- Bullshit! Mine's dyed.
- Yeah, so is mine.
- No one gets this color naturally.
- [audience oohs]
- All right, what about
- [mocking] What about what?
Okay, guys, it's not about--
- It's not about the hair.
- What?
[Karl] So, listen. We have-- Please.
We have definitive DNA proof
right here in this envelope.
- Everyone ready?
- Yes.
- [Karl] Tomas
- [Tomas] Mm-hmm?
You are the father.
- What? Damn it!
- [Karl] Yes, you are.
- [mom and audience shouting]
- No!
- All right. All right. It's rigged!
- I told you! I told you!
- I don't know how I feel!
- [Tomas] This is rigged!
- I don't know how I feel!
- Everybody's trying to talk us down!
[Karl] Hold on a second.
- I don't gotta believe in science.
- Hold on. Tomas! Tomas, please, look.
Now, this is your daughter.
She's right in front of you.
The two of you share a huge set of DNA.
Is there something
you'd like to say to her?
Are you really my daughter?
[childlike] Daddy!
- [audience] Aw
- [both sob]
- [Karl] So sweet.
- [audience applauds]
But we have to take a break.
And coming up next,
a psychic baby who can predict
how and when you are going to die.
Please stick around.
- [family laughing]
- [upbeat music playing]
[applause continues]
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
[guitar riff plays]
- [country rock music plays]
- [women yelling]
[yelling continues]
[wheels rattle]
[women cheering]
- [country rock music fades]
- [wheels rattling]
Yo. Stink here.
It's time for "Close up, no filter."
The stunt where I post
a picture of my face.
Close up.
No filter.
- [rock music plays]
- [all yelling]
- Way to go!
- [yelling continues]
- [all laughing]
- You look so bad.
- Are you even wearing makeup?
- You feel good, or?
[friend] Oh, God.
- Yeah, that's
- Oh, man.
- You're fine.
- Yeah.
- It looks so good.
- Yeah, you look
- What is that?
- insane.
You look really
Wow. That's good.
- [rock music fades]
- Do you always have that mark?
[guitar riff plays, then fades]
[lighthearted music playing]
[text whooshes]
[interviewer] Traegus presents
CEO Cashew Albacore,
Secret to Success, take one.
[lighthearted music fades]
[frail voice] So, what is this?
[interviewer] It's a piece on success.
We wanna know
how a CEO spends her day.
Easy.
Every evening, I set my alarm
with my eyes closed.
That way, I never know
when I'm going to wake up.
That's right.
Stab in the dark.
That's my life's scrotum.
Then, every morning,
it's onto a healthy breakfast
of loose juice, coffee,
and pure citric acid.
Whatever's left over, I drink it.
You can't just pay people to work.
That won't do.
- You gotta get 'em-- Get 'em--
- [lighter flicks]
- Get 'em. Get 'em. Get 'em.
- [flicking continues]
[yells wildly]
Pop up! Guess who, bitch?
- It's me, Cashew B. Ah!
- [lighter flicking]
Ever held one of these?
[slurping and gurgling]
[interviewer] What's something
you've made?
Oh, I've made a lot of things.
You guys remember cheese?
I invented the cravat.
I used to keep a mouse
in my neck hole
when I didn't want him pressing charges.
So I scrambled up a tie. Cravat.
This is my Chief Marketing Officer,
Bistro.
It has nipples.
They don't know us ♪
They can't see us ♪
- [alarm beeping]
- Ha! [screams wildly]
[yelling] And you, too! [screams]
- [lighthearted music playing]
- Cravat!
[lighthearted music fades]
I bought this muscle powder
two months ago.
Today, I finally got it open.
[dance music playing]
[female host] We've seen some
average couples in some average homes,
but none more medium than this.
Simply breathtaking.
- [scream chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
[mellow music playing]
[merry-go-round creaks]
All right, listen up, Remainers.
As we mourn
the anniversary of the Disappeared,
we will meet up with the Arrivers,
and make our way to the base camp
of the Returned.
If the Anothers are real,
we are going to find out.
We are the ones who have remained.
But why us?
What have we done to become still here?
[woman] Maybe we need to figure out
what we all have in common.
- Yeah?
- [leader] Shot in the dark.
Do we all have identical birthmarks?
Could it be
that we are bound by the fact
that we're all Scorpios?
Hmm?
- Scorpio?
- [clicks tongue] Cancer.
Water signs?
Could it be that everyone
here loves a good bargain?
[group murmurs]
You love a good bargain?
You love a good bargain?
- Yeah.
- [leader] Could it be
that we all hate our moms?
I'm just spitballing.
I don't know. [stammers] I was the one
that got up on this pallet
and you guys just started listening. So
- [audience applauds]
- [strums]
This next one
is about the love of my life.
- [strums out of tune]
- The man who saved me from addiction
and taught me how to love again.
[strums melody]
[animalistic growling]
[growling continues]
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- [dramatic music plays]
- [in Norwegian]
[both breathing heavily]
[in Norwegian]
- [inhales sharply and screams]
- [gasping and groaning]
[both exhaling]
[sighs]
Google Translate.
[pants]
[soft rock music playing]
Ooh, oh ♪
She's so cold, she's so cold
She's so cold ♪
Ascending corporate culture ♪
Your skills are put to the test ♪
A woman in the workplace ♪
But a damsel in distress ♪
Office arctic temperatures ♪
They feel like polar winds ♪
It's hard to be confident ♪
When you're clutching your skin ♪
You're a powerful woman ♪
But your body's so cold ♪
The temperature's low ♪
But your ideas are so bold ♪
The guys all despise you ♪
'Cause you can't be warm like them ♪
An outsider in your company ♪
Here's how you can win ♪
Instead of that shivering ♪
It's time to get hot ♪
Combine a suit and blanket ♪
It'll be your best shot, yeah! ♪
Powersuit Blanket
Don't freeze, be head honcho ♪
Powersuit Blanket
It's not a poncho ♪
It's so warm, you could live ♪
In Toronto ♪
There's something different about you.
And I like it.
Your PowerPoint presentation ♪
Is on point ♪
'Cause now you got circulation ♪
In your joints ♪
But now that you're warm
You can teach Dale how to type ♪
Just use all your fingers ♪
At the same time ♪
Oh yeah! ♪
You went from frozen to promoted ♪
Junior Executive ♪
More like Senior Warm Person ♪
Here's a handshake and a box ♪
Of stuff with a plant ♪
Powersuit Blanket
Don't freeze ♪
Be head honcho ♪
Powersuit Blanket
It's not a poncho! ♪
[spokeswoman] Powersuit Blanket.
Be warm and work.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [both screaming and groaning]
- [in Norwegian]
- [panting]
[in Norwegian]
- Ah [thuds]
- [gasps]
[exhales sharply]
[exhales softly]
[groans and thuds]
[male host] It's the gnarliest prank show
on TV.
Whatever the guys say
- Okay. Ready?
- the guys have to do.
- [yells] Hit him with a bat!
- [laughs]
[ska music plays]
[woman screams]
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, no!
[host] All sorts of crazy pranks.
- Hit him with a bat.
- Hit him with a bat!
- Hit him with a bat.
- Oh
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
[group laughing]
Okay, I have a confession.
So, I started watching Westworld,
and I am halfway
through season one, and
I feel like it's not for me.
No, no, no, no.
You have to stick with it.
All right? It's very slow
in the beginning, but,
by the end of the first season,
it gets so good.
You gotta stick with it.
- Okay. Okay. I'll keep watching.
- Stick with it.
That reminds me.
Have you guys
seen The Disappeared on Netflix?
- [all moan]
- Oh, my God! So good!
- What is that?
- So good.
Actually, the main girl
kinda resembles you.
- Really?
- [man] Oh, yeah.
Anyway, so half the population disappears,
then 19.999%
of them return.
I won't say any more
'cause I don't wanna spoil it for you,
but you have to watch.
- [man 1] Yeah.
- Okay.
[man 1] It's sorta slow.
It starts sorta slow,
but it gets really good, so
- Just stick with it, it's really good.
- What else are you guys watching?
Well, I just finished Blimey Moore.
- [woman] Oh!
- Yeah.
- So good.
- Ah-ah-ah.
- No spoilers, no spoilers.
- Okay.
I'm still watching it.
I haven't seen that yet.
Sound like I should?
It's so good. But like,
the first five seasons
are really bad. Like, unwatchable.
And the sixth season is somehow worse?
But, uh, that last episode
Oh! It's incredible.
It's worth it. You gotta stick with it.
- Doesn't sound worth it.
- It is.
How long are these seasons?
Uh, it's actually British,
so they're called series.
And, uh, usually,
they're pretty short series.
But not this show.
This show is a very long series.
- [man] Right.
- Yeah.
It's, uh, like 18 episodes,
and each are an hour and 40 minutes or so.
- What?
- [man 2] Yeah.
[man 1] So it's not too bad.
It's on Dangled,
the Traegus Corp's streaming platform.
- It's very cool.
- [man 2] Oh my God.
- Have you guys seen Hvitur Snjór?
- [friends ooh]
Oh my God. That is so good.
- [speaks Norwegian]
- [men laugh]
This amazing Norwegian show,
you have to watch it.
I started watching that last year,
and I'm almost done. Sammy.
- You have to watch it.
- Yeah.
- Do I?
- [woman] Yeah, yeah.
- 'Cause it sounds awful.
- No, no, no.
It's 48 episodes.
None of them are good.
All of them are very bad
and very boring. But,
there's this great write-up in Viby
about how bad it is,
and you won't get it
unless you watch the whole thing.
So you've gotta stick with it.
It's super bad.
I don't wanna do that.
And what the hell is Viby?
Oh, that's the one that you have to watch
through a glitch in the website
- of the Oslo mayor's office. Lots of work.
- Damn right.
- I gotta check it out. It sounds amazing.
- Watch cable.
- Does it?
- [man 1 chuckles]
I'm in the middle of The Cold Harbor.
Ooh, how far are you?
- Like, 50 episodes. It's really slow.
- Yeah, but if you make it
- through the second season--
- [Sammy] Lemme guess
- it's so good.
- [all] No.
Not at all. But, you do get
a free thermos,
just as a congratulations.
- That says Cold Harbor.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, sir.
- [laughs]
They give it to you
for making it that far
'cause the show sucks so bad.
Yeah. It's really bad,
- but you gotta stick with it.
- Stick with it.
Stick with it.
- That reminds me of The Dark March.
- [all oohing]
I know this one. I know this one.
It's supposed to be terrible.
Wasn't it canceled
- halfway through the first episode?
- [man] Yeah.
But if you watch that episode again,
you'll realize how good
other shows are in comparison.
- [all agree]
- It also makes you appreciate
other aspects of your life.
It saved my marriage.
You gotta stick with it
Okay, and both of those shows are on
- Hooloo.
- Hooloo.
Hulu! I have a Hulu subscription.
I can do that.
Well, it's spelled way different
than the Hulu you have.
Yeah. It's "H-O-O-L-O-O."
- Two O-O's.
- [man] Yeah.
- Double O double.
- And if you have the old Hulu,
it cancels out the new Hulu, so
It cancels out the new Hulu?
Are you making this up as you go along?
And this new technology,
where you read it on the paper,
but then you visualize
everything in your mind
'cause there are no actors. It's dope.
- [all laugh]
- A book? Are you talking about a book?
- Yeah.
- She's talking about a book.
Have y'all seen The Book?
- Yeah, The Movie The Book The Movie.
- So good.
- Wait. The Movie The Book?
- Yes.
- So, reading a book.
- Have you read The Book?
[guitar riff plays]
Oh, shit. I'm Sammy Nashville,
and this one's called
"Third time's the charm."
I'm the oldest person
at this bar, obviously,
and I'm about to go hit on a dude
who's already rejected me twice.
This one's gonna hurt.
- [dance music plays]
- [host] This house looks unremarkable.
But what's so wonderful about it
is you could die inside,
and no one would ever suspect foul play.
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- [rock music playing]
- Twelve competitive glass eaters,
only one champion.
Last week's cast have all passed away.
Let's meet this week's contestants.
[graphic shatters]
- [dance music plays]
- [host] It's 2049.
Global warming has wiped out
most of the country,
and Oklahoma is a coastal state!
But ten sexy singles
- [all whooing]
- are still ready to party.
- You're watching Tulsa Shore.
- [all shouting]
[guitar riff plays]
Hey, hey, hey. What's up?
I'm Skuz, I'm 40.
I'm single, and I'm about to go
pick up my friend's baby.
- So, that that'll be what it is.
- [drum sticks clacking]
- [drums beating]
- [pops balloon]
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
[crowd] Should I Post This?!
- [variety show music plays]
- Welcome back to Should I Post This?!
Round two, double the money.
Here is your next picture.
- [screen chimes]
- It's an image of me
in front of a solar panel field
with the caption,
"The Earth isn't the only thing
that's hot."
Question to you, contestant, is,
"Should I post this?"
- Yes.
- [button dings]
- No. The answer is no.
- [buzzer rings]
Climate change is not a joke,
and we need to pay attention
to what the Earth is saying,
or we will have nothing left
for future generations.
- But you look hot.
- True.
Next question.
- [screen chimes]
- This is me,
having a self-reflective moment.
The caption says,
"LOL haters keep me motivated.
Hashtag self-care."
The question to you,
contestant, is,
"Should I post this?" And keep in mind
I think I should because I felt
really cute when I took it.
- [button dings]
- Yes.
That is correct.
You are one for one,
moving into this third round.
I'm one for two.
- Nope, you did not win two.
- I won
I won one, lost one.
So, you're one for one.
One for one is a ratio of 100%.
I'm a math teacher.
- Should I post this?
- Okay.
- [screen chimes]
- Caption is,
"Today is the anniversary
of Pearl Harbor.
Cheers to you America,
with a Traegus energy drink.
Hashtag gulp, gulp."
Should I post this?
And the answer is I already did,
and I took it down
'cause I felt a little weird about it.
And no doubt, some troll
has already screen grabbed it
to blackmail me and shame me
later when I'm more famous.
- You posted this?
- I pos--
I think you mean like,
"Oh, you posted this."
No, I don't mean--
No. I mean, you posted this?
- I posted that.
- Why do you-- Why are you asking me, then?
Because that's the name of the show,
Should I Post This?!
- What other purpose do you serve?
- Well, you tell me I win every week,
but there's no other contestants.
Do I need the buzzer? Really?
We'll be right back.
You already did.
- Could you stand still for room tone?
- Sure, room tone.
- [high-pitched] Room tone [holds note]
- That's not room tone.
That's your tone. You're making a tone.
That's not--
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
A lot of people talk
about authentic street food,
but I'm the only guy out here
eating concrete and gravel.
This was harvested right from the street
just this morning.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [sniffs, exhales] Smell that asphalt.
- Oh my God!
- [gravel thuds]
That is a perfect nugget.
[guitar riff plays]
What's up? Butts up! I'm Skuz.
This one's called "Read receipts."
I just texted my ex
about an old inside joke,
and I will see
when he's read it.
- [rock music plays]
- Yeah, you will!
- [all agreeing]
- Yeah!
[all cheering] Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah. Let's just check it out.
- [rock music softens]
[dejectedly] Yeah.
[clicks tongue] Probably at work. [laughs]
[clicks tongue and cheek]
[blows raspberry]
That doesn't make any sense.
I think it makes a lot of sense.
Significant to both of us.
Just give it a second.
[bike rattles away]
Ladies, we still feeling good?
- [all] Yeah
- [laughs uncomfortably]
[laughing fades]
[upbeat closing credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
You're the captain of the pontoon ♪
Now it's time
Yeah, you know it's true ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪