The Jack and Triumph Show (2015) s01e05 Episode Script
Paul Sorvino's Pants
1 Ya-da, da-da-da, here is Triumph - you! - you! Yay! (laughs) Whee! Good job, Junie.
God bless you, June.
You got even older.
You're officially a Tortoise-American.
Triumph, you really should try the antifreeze here.
Oh, Lord! What's the matter? Did you find a 50 in your jowls? Paul Sorvino's over there.
What?! Paul Sorvino, from Goodfellas, and 300 other movies that pale by comparison?! Oh, my God.
He is one of the hardest-breathing actors in show business.
He and I worked on a project together years ago.
Really? What was the project? An entire deep-fried turkey? Oh, well, I never saw that, but I loved him in that movie where he plays an Italian fellow.
Nice.
He's just as dreamy as I remember.
You never forget your first.
Oh, the first time you made love was to Paul Sorvino? No.
The first threesome.
Paul Sorvino and Phil Donahue.
A-and Phil hardly paid any attention to me.
Oh, well, considering your history and my strong desire not to hear any more of this story, uh, maybe you should go over and say "Hey.
" Please, the only way he'd notice June is if she was stuffed with ricotta cheese.
Please, June.
Go over and say "Hello" before Triumph ruins everything.
Okay.
Good.
I thought she'd never leave.
It's OK-- Damn it.
You want in on this? No.
All right.
Paul, I-I'm sure you won't remember me, but My God! It's June.
June Gregory.
Of course, I'm not used to seeing you from this angle, but you're just as lovely as I remember you.
Oh, Paul.
Zabba-dabba.
What's that aroma? (sniffs) I don't smell anything.
Of course you don't.
The human nose is about as useless as John Travolta's hair piece.
I'll be right back.
Triumph, don't do this.
Don't eat any raspberries.
(sniffing) Paul, I'm so glad that you remembered.
(sniffs, sighs) How divine.
Where have you been my whole life, you little butt bouquet, you? (sniffs) Hey, control your animal.
Triumph, quit sniffing Mr.
Sorvino's chair.
You're taking work away from very expensive prostitutes.
(sniffs) Oh, it's like the rings of a tree 70-plus years of fine Italian cooking and cheek sweat.
(sniffs) With notes of increasingly cheaper cigars.
(sniffs) Do you realize whose ass you're talking about? This is Mr.
Paul Sorvino.
Please.
The last hit Paul Sorvino had was off his insulin pump.
(sniffs) Triumph, please.
Listen, this dog of yours is making me nervous.
(sniffs) If I wanted somebody's nose sticking up my ass, I'd have Mario Lopez interview me again.
Waiter! I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask the three of you to leave.
Mr.
Sorvino is our best customer.
His tiramisu budget alone pays for our heating and air.
This-- This is horrible.
Farewell, my sweet funk.
Sorvino! Sorvino! You're hiding your real talents away! Behind your corduroys, Sorvino! Mamma mia.
Rat-ta-ti pa-pe-pa-pu What's the matter, Triumph? You've barely touched your cat vomilet.
Now, that is rude.
Do you know how hard it is to get a cat to throw up this early in the morning? You don't understand! Last night, I smelled the Sistine Chapel of asses.
I can't go back to regular smells after getting a whiff of Sorvino's booty.
It'd be like being forced to eat Taco Bell after eating literally anything else.
Well, hey, buddy, uh, what about your trusty standby? What? Your scratch-and-sniff adult dog magazine.
(growls) Oh, I'm lost, I tell you! Lost! Without its chewy tannins that envelope you then taunt your desires with a hint of cedar wood, engaging a smoky, sweet finish, but just when you think it's over, the ripe punch of flamboyant fleshiness grabs you, its helpless victim, by the balls of your snout and dances on the back of your tongue like a freshly crapped steak.
Are we done? I got stuff today.
Uh, yeah.
I'm almost done.
Almost done.
Lost! Lost! Lost! Well, now, June, maybe I can fix this.
Uh, I could go to Mr.
Sorvino's house and hand-deliver a note begging for forgiveness.
Oh, that would be lovely, Jack.
Yes.
And a great excuse! - Excuse? - Yes.
We bring this apology letter to Sorvino's house when he's not in and try to snag some of his pants! You degenerate! I said it to Phil Donahue, and I'll say it to you.
Keep away from Paul Sorvino's ass! La-di-le-doo Oh, I hope this works.
We have to do anything we can to make June happy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(doorbell rings) Come on! We don't have all day! - Yes? - Old pants! Uh, no.
(chuckles) Hi.
Uh, we're actually from the Los Angeles Salvation Army, and we're going door to door collecting old pants.
Yes, uh, the older, the better.
His most worn.
I am sorry.
It's a very bad time.
My boss, Mr.
Sorvino He had a heart attack and died last night due to very stressful conditions at his regular restaurant.
It's a very sad day.
Yeah, well, you're not going to bury him in all his pants, are you? (sighs) But-- Da-da rat-ta-ti pe-pa-pe-pa-pu Oh, good.
She must already be asleep.
So (both scream) How'd the apologizing go? - Uh - Oh, well, it-- - Perfect.
Really great.
- Oh, it was the best.
Boy, that apology was really, uh-- Here's how it went, June.
(chuckles) Are you sitting down? Are you continent? Just tell me.
Sorvino's coming to your birthday party this weekend.
What?! What?! Oh, that's the most amazing news! (giggling) Oh, I am so happy! Oh! (groans) Are you crazy?! You said you wanted to make her happy.
I made her happy.
Make up your mind! Look, uh, let me just figure out how to keep her from finding out he's dead until I think of something else.
Uh, here.
Hide the obituaries.
Good idea.
Good idea.
I have to turn the music on to dance to.
and in celebrity news, a sad day for fans of celebrated actor-- No! That's not music.
Well, wait.
I want to find out why it's a sad day for which celebrated actor fans.
No, no, no, no.
That's just nothing.
It's just a sad day for Tom Hanks fans.
That's all.
Why? What happened? Oh, he grew a really bad mustache, uh, that-- it makes him look gay.
Oh.
That's too bad, 'cause I'm a big fan of his work.
Well, he'll probably shave it.
He's very self-aware.
Well, I-I hope so.
It is sad.
Well, at least he's not dead.
(chuckles) Oh! That reminds me.
I have to look at my obituaries.
Where did that paper go? Oh, it's right there on the couch.
(chuckles) Here it is.
(laughs) Oh, my God! That is filthy! What?! Sorry! Sorry, I like to read on the toilet.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, Jack, turn on the TV news, dear.
That handsome newscaster's on.
Uh Now what? Mute the volume and you do the news, okay? Only don't mention Paul Sorvino's dead.
Okay.
Right.
Uh, okay.
Turning on the TV here.
Hey, uh, hum, hi, hey, ha, ha.
(clears throat) And in the news today, - actor Paul Sorvino - Oh, dear.
is still alive with a very steady pulse.
Get off the Sorvino stuff and do the real news, you idiot! Well, like what? I don't know anything.
I've led a very sheltered life.
(sighs) Middle Eastern war, global warming, anything! Uh, okay, uh The war in the Middle East moved a little west today, but it's still Middle East, so that's good.
Oh, that's nice.
In global-warming news Uh-oh.
everything's great.
The globe is nice and warm.
Oh! Well, that's good news.
Oh, hold on.
I got some bad news here, though.
Paul Sorvino's dead.
- What?! - What?! Dead? Are you crazy?! Again? I had just convinced her.
Yeah, but look My Google News alert for "Paul Sorvino's ass" just lit up like a Christmas tree.
There's a memorial at Sorvino's house.
You two lied to me! He was never coming to my birthday.
We didn't, uh, exactly lie.
- No, no, no.
- Triumph lied.
I just got scared.
Well, you are certainly grounded, young man.
It's all right.
I have another plan.
We're both going.
Oh, no.
I'm grounded.
Plus, all you want are Sorvino's smelly trousers.
How dare you?! I loved all of Sorvino's work from Goodfellas to uh IMDb.
IMDb.
What the [bleep.]
was The Rocketeer? I don't-- I'm too emotional to talk about it! (sobbing) All right.
Whatever you want, buddy.
Whatever you want.
Okay, cool.
So, you think we can find a celebrity here who can get us into the memorial service? Yes.
It's Hollywood Boulevard, man.
This is the most busy intersection in town, next to Adam Levine's ass cheeks.
- Ooh, look! - What? Chewbacca.
(growls) No, no, no.
I think that's Wookiee for "Do you have a spare couch?" Who are you supposed to be, Guy Fieri? Okay.
Do you know where any celebrities are? Oh, Johnny Depp.
Johnny Depp is here? Where? I'm asking you.
You just said, "Johnny Depp.
" Is that Johnny Depp? Johnny Depp! Johnny Depp! Oh, my God.
Where are you? Okay.
Look at him go.
Ahoy, there.
Look at this.
Look at these moves.
Tell me, what do you draw from your actor's toolbox the most? Thorazine? Xanax? Will you take us to a memorial service? (chuckles) Sure.
Lead the way.
You You follow me.
- Lead the way? - Just go that way.
Wait a minute.
There's another Johnny Depp.
Oh.
Wait, hold on.
We got to check this guy out.
This Jack Sparrow's costume is more family friendly.
By that, I mean inside there are about 10,000 families of chiggers.
We got two good Depps here, Jack.
- It's-- - I mean, what do we do? - Well, there is another.
- There's more? There's a guy dressed as Scissorhands right there.
Get the-- Oh, come on! Yes, look at him.
All right.
I think we got all the Depps here now, Jack.
We got Jack Sparrow, uh, wobbly Jack Sparrow, Scissorhands, and look now-- we got the Mad Hatter And there's also, uh, Willy Wonka.
Hello.
Look at Wonka's costume.
That is an amazing costume for a pedophile to hide out in the open in.
You're really weird.
Okay.
Egg and spoon race! On the count of three.
Three! Wait! Aah! He broke his.
That doesn't count.
That does count! It does count! It does count! What happened? Who won, Jack? Kind of a blur, but-- - You can do it! - You got it! We've got faith in you! (cheers and applause) What would Johnny Depp say to a grieving widow? A grieving wid-- (chuckles) Now this is the perfect opportunity for you and I to-- Okay, try it again, and imagine you've never sniffed paint thinner.
(chuckles) Actually, the correct response was "mumbled nonsense".
- Very good.
- Ah! He's a perfect Johnny Depp! - Join the crew, lads! - Let's take him.
Boo-bop-be-ba Sorry I'm grounded.
Good luck, you guys.
Have fun at the memorial.
Okay.
Okay, listen to me.
Just follow my lead, all right? Okay.
Rahk! Rahk! Friend of the corpse! Rahk! Johnny Depp coming through.
Johnny Depp doesn't shower much! Rahk! Mr.
Depp, uh, I'm Steve Schirripa.
I was Paul Sorvino's best friend.
Rahk! Sorry for your loss of your cold [bleep.]
career.
Rahk! Hey! Easy on the vodka! Rahk! Keep going.
Keep going.
It's going great.
Rahk! Oh, excuse me, Mr.
Depp.
Ahoy, there.
Rahk! Don't worry about it, grandma.
Are you here for Sorvino or just in line to be buried? Rahk! That's kind of rude.
Oh, look who's here! It's Burt Young, from Rockys One through Horrible.
Rahk! Hey, where are you going, you moron? I wasn't done bagging on Burt Young.
Oh, boy.
Taking the food.
Great.
This isn't working out.
Listen, dummy, over there Japanese tourists.
Let's go, go, go! Hustle! Hustle! Japanese tourists at 1:00 with cameras.
Rahk! Jack, help me! Look at this psychopath.
I didn't even get to start to pay my respects.
Oh.
All right, just help me get this costume off.
- Uh - Only you can do this.
What are they looking at? Oh, uh, yeah.
They, uh-- They think you're Johnny Depp.
Uh, just start apologizing, but don't overdo it.
Remember, you're Johnny Depp.
Just act overrated.
Hello, everyone.
Uh, sorry about that.
Just had to step out for some fresh eyeliner.
Uh (sniffs) Hey.
What's that smell? Move over that way towards that chair.
That way.
That way.
Hey, Johnny.
What are you working on? Uh, I'm a pirate.
You know, if you, uh, ever need anybody to play, uh -- Play what? The ship? It's okay.
(chuckles) That role's been taken.
Come on.
Let's go.
Rahk! Rahk! I'm a parrot.
Rahk! Hey, lady, what do you know about that chair over there? Oh.
That's Mr.
Sorvino's favorite chair.
He sits in it every night for hours and hours.
Sometimes he's in it for days and doesn't even get up to wash himself.
See how it's sunken in? It's like he just wears the seat of his pants out on it, and he just grows older and older.
And then on hot summer nights, it's just like-- Ohh! Ay! Ay! Must get chair! Must have chair! Chair! - Mr.
Depp.
- Hi.
How nice of you to come.
Would you mind saying a few words, uh, remembering Paul? His family would love it.
Chair! Buddy, stop.
They want me to give a eulogy.
Huh? What? Right now, here to say some words about our dear friend Paul Sorvino is one of the finest actors on Earth, Mr.
Johnny Depp.
Uh Um Uh Um Being Johnny Depp at Paul Sorvino's funeral is not an everyday thing for me.
Um I mean, if Johnny was here, which he is because I am! Um, I would say that this is one of the most mournful days of my life as Johnny Depp.
Something seems very strange.
Johnny's never been this coherent.
How am I doing? Embarrassingly awful.
Don't! No! No! - Get off that chair! - Aah! - Get off that chair! - What, are you crazy?! Get this bird off of me! Get off! Get off now! (sniffs) No! You bastard! Your smell has mixed with Sorvino's! (sobbing) No! Hey, these are the two guys who killed Paul! - Get out! - No! - Get out! - No! And you.
Get out.
Now.
(sighs) Well, I have never been more disappointed in you.
(engine turns over) (vehicle departs) Well, I suppose everything does happen for a reason.
Whether you're trying to help your TV mom's birthday or get a whiff of a dubious odor, we all end up the same, lying in an open casket.
But I think it's important to appreciate God's greatest gift.
Life.
Am I right, pal? Triumph? (gasps) Although I may not be as famous or popular or ever play the pirate, I have met Paul Sorvino, one of the rock-solid greats in our business.
Mr.
Sorvino? He's not dead.
I smell a rat, and it smells like cigar ash and cat vomit! - I knew it! - What? He's not using these anymore.
- Give me that! - Come on! Give me that, you little bastard! No! No! - Give me that! - I want it! Give me the pants! Give me the pants! Give me the goddamn pants! Give me the-- Oh! What a nightmare.
- Paul, oh, my God.
- Mr.
Sorvino.
Oh! Hi.
I'm Paul Sorvino.
And what you've just seen was a result of E.
S.
S.
, Extended Sleep Syndrome, which can result in being buried alive.
It's not an actual condition, but it's something every elderly person worries about, so if you've got an elderly parent or grandparent you love, I implore you, when they pass away, give them a good shake before putting them in the ground.
You may not be as lucky as I was.
(sniffs) (slow symphonic music) You treat me like a fool.
Where are you? And yet I want you all over me.
You are my obsession.
You are perfection.
(echoing) Perfection.
Come to me.
You are mine.
You're not mine.
You must be mine.
(female voice-over) Sorvin Eau The fragrance for the dog who pants for the pants.
God bless you, June.
You got even older.
You're officially a Tortoise-American.
Triumph, you really should try the antifreeze here.
Oh, Lord! What's the matter? Did you find a 50 in your jowls? Paul Sorvino's over there.
What?! Paul Sorvino, from Goodfellas, and 300 other movies that pale by comparison?! Oh, my God.
He is one of the hardest-breathing actors in show business.
He and I worked on a project together years ago.
Really? What was the project? An entire deep-fried turkey? Oh, well, I never saw that, but I loved him in that movie where he plays an Italian fellow.
Nice.
He's just as dreamy as I remember.
You never forget your first.
Oh, the first time you made love was to Paul Sorvino? No.
The first threesome.
Paul Sorvino and Phil Donahue.
A-and Phil hardly paid any attention to me.
Oh, well, considering your history and my strong desire not to hear any more of this story, uh, maybe you should go over and say "Hey.
" Please, the only way he'd notice June is if she was stuffed with ricotta cheese.
Please, June.
Go over and say "Hello" before Triumph ruins everything.
Okay.
Good.
I thought she'd never leave.
It's OK-- Damn it.
You want in on this? No.
All right.
Paul, I-I'm sure you won't remember me, but My God! It's June.
June Gregory.
Of course, I'm not used to seeing you from this angle, but you're just as lovely as I remember you.
Oh, Paul.
Zabba-dabba.
What's that aroma? (sniffs) I don't smell anything.
Of course you don't.
The human nose is about as useless as John Travolta's hair piece.
I'll be right back.
Triumph, don't do this.
Don't eat any raspberries.
(sniffing) Paul, I'm so glad that you remembered.
(sniffs, sighs) How divine.
Where have you been my whole life, you little butt bouquet, you? (sniffs) Hey, control your animal.
Triumph, quit sniffing Mr.
Sorvino's chair.
You're taking work away from very expensive prostitutes.
(sniffs) Oh, it's like the rings of a tree 70-plus years of fine Italian cooking and cheek sweat.
(sniffs) With notes of increasingly cheaper cigars.
(sniffs) Do you realize whose ass you're talking about? This is Mr.
Paul Sorvino.
Please.
The last hit Paul Sorvino had was off his insulin pump.
(sniffs) Triumph, please.
Listen, this dog of yours is making me nervous.
(sniffs) If I wanted somebody's nose sticking up my ass, I'd have Mario Lopez interview me again.
Waiter! I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask the three of you to leave.
Mr.
Sorvino is our best customer.
His tiramisu budget alone pays for our heating and air.
This-- This is horrible.
Farewell, my sweet funk.
Sorvino! Sorvino! You're hiding your real talents away! Behind your corduroys, Sorvino! Mamma mia.
Rat-ta-ti pa-pe-pa-pu What's the matter, Triumph? You've barely touched your cat vomilet.
Now, that is rude.
Do you know how hard it is to get a cat to throw up this early in the morning? You don't understand! Last night, I smelled the Sistine Chapel of asses.
I can't go back to regular smells after getting a whiff of Sorvino's booty.
It'd be like being forced to eat Taco Bell after eating literally anything else.
Well, hey, buddy, uh, what about your trusty standby? What? Your scratch-and-sniff adult dog magazine.
(growls) Oh, I'm lost, I tell you! Lost! Without its chewy tannins that envelope you then taunt your desires with a hint of cedar wood, engaging a smoky, sweet finish, but just when you think it's over, the ripe punch of flamboyant fleshiness grabs you, its helpless victim, by the balls of your snout and dances on the back of your tongue like a freshly crapped steak.
Are we done? I got stuff today.
Uh, yeah.
I'm almost done.
Almost done.
Lost! Lost! Lost! Well, now, June, maybe I can fix this.
Uh, I could go to Mr.
Sorvino's house and hand-deliver a note begging for forgiveness.
Oh, that would be lovely, Jack.
Yes.
And a great excuse! - Excuse? - Yes.
We bring this apology letter to Sorvino's house when he's not in and try to snag some of his pants! You degenerate! I said it to Phil Donahue, and I'll say it to you.
Keep away from Paul Sorvino's ass! La-di-le-doo Oh, I hope this works.
We have to do anything we can to make June happy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(doorbell rings) Come on! We don't have all day! - Yes? - Old pants! Uh, no.
(chuckles) Hi.
Uh, we're actually from the Los Angeles Salvation Army, and we're going door to door collecting old pants.
Yes, uh, the older, the better.
His most worn.
I am sorry.
It's a very bad time.
My boss, Mr.
Sorvino He had a heart attack and died last night due to very stressful conditions at his regular restaurant.
It's a very sad day.
Yeah, well, you're not going to bury him in all his pants, are you? (sighs) But-- Da-da rat-ta-ti pe-pa-pe-pa-pu Oh, good.
She must already be asleep.
So (both scream) How'd the apologizing go? - Uh - Oh, well, it-- - Perfect.
Really great.
- Oh, it was the best.
Boy, that apology was really, uh-- Here's how it went, June.
(chuckles) Are you sitting down? Are you continent? Just tell me.
Sorvino's coming to your birthday party this weekend.
What?! What?! Oh, that's the most amazing news! (giggling) Oh, I am so happy! Oh! (groans) Are you crazy?! You said you wanted to make her happy.
I made her happy.
Make up your mind! Look, uh, let me just figure out how to keep her from finding out he's dead until I think of something else.
Uh, here.
Hide the obituaries.
Good idea.
Good idea.
I have to turn the music on to dance to.
and in celebrity news, a sad day for fans of celebrated actor-- No! That's not music.
Well, wait.
I want to find out why it's a sad day for which celebrated actor fans.
No, no, no, no.
That's just nothing.
It's just a sad day for Tom Hanks fans.
That's all.
Why? What happened? Oh, he grew a really bad mustache, uh, that-- it makes him look gay.
Oh.
That's too bad, 'cause I'm a big fan of his work.
Well, he'll probably shave it.
He's very self-aware.
Well, I-I hope so.
It is sad.
Well, at least he's not dead.
(chuckles) Oh! That reminds me.
I have to look at my obituaries.
Where did that paper go? Oh, it's right there on the couch.
(chuckles) Here it is.
(laughs) Oh, my God! That is filthy! What?! Sorry! Sorry, I like to read on the toilet.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, Jack, turn on the TV news, dear.
That handsome newscaster's on.
Uh Now what? Mute the volume and you do the news, okay? Only don't mention Paul Sorvino's dead.
Okay.
Right.
Uh, okay.
Turning on the TV here.
Hey, uh, hum, hi, hey, ha, ha.
(clears throat) And in the news today, - actor Paul Sorvino - Oh, dear.
is still alive with a very steady pulse.
Get off the Sorvino stuff and do the real news, you idiot! Well, like what? I don't know anything.
I've led a very sheltered life.
(sighs) Middle Eastern war, global warming, anything! Uh, okay, uh The war in the Middle East moved a little west today, but it's still Middle East, so that's good.
Oh, that's nice.
In global-warming news Uh-oh.
everything's great.
The globe is nice and warm.
Oh! Well, that's good news.
Oh, hold on.
I got some bad news here, though.
Paul Sorvino's dead.
- What?! - What?! Dead? Are you crazy?! Again? I had just convinced her.
Yeah, but look My Google News alert for "Paul Sorvino's ass" just lit up like a Christmas tree.
There's a memorial at Sorvino's house.
You two lied to me! He was never coming to my birthday.
We didn't, uh, exactly lie.
- No, no, no.
- Triumph lied.
I just got scared.
Well, you are certainly grounded, young man.
It's all right.
I have another plan.
We're both going.
Oh, no.
I'm grounded.
Plus, all you want are Sorvino's smelly trousers.
How dare you?! I loved all of Sorvino's work from Goodfellas to uh IMDb.
IMDb.
What the [bleep.]
was The Rocketeer? I don't-- I'm too emotional to talk about it! (sobbing) All right.
Whatever you want, buddy.
Whatever you want.
Okay, cool.
So, you think we can find a celebrity here who can get us into the memorial service? Yes.
It's Hollywood Boulevard, man.
This is the most busy intersection in town, next to Adam Levine's ass cheeks.
- Ooh, look! - What? Chewbacca.
(growls) No, no, no.
I think that's Wookiee for "Do you have a spare couch?" Who are you supposed to be, Guy Fieri? Okay.
Do you know where any celebrities are? Oh, Johnny Depp.
Johnny Depp is here? Where? I'm asking you.
You just said, "Johnny Depp.
" Is that Johnny Depp? Johnny Depp! Johnny Depp! Oh, my God.
Where are you? Okay.
Look at him go.
Ahoy, there.
Look at this.
Look at these moves.
Tell me, what do you draw from your actor's toolbox the most? Thorazine? Xanax? Will you take us to a memorial service? (chuckles) Sure.
Lead the way.
You You follow me.
- Lead the way? - Just go that way.
Wait a minute.
There's another Johnny Depp.
Oh.
Wait, hold on.
We got to check this guy out.
This Jack Sparrow's costume is more family friendly.
By that, I mean inside there are about 10,000 families of chiggers.
We got two good Depps here, Jack.
- It's-- - I mean, what do we do? - Well, there is another.
- There's more? There's a guy dressed as Scissorhands right there.
Get the-- Oh, come on! Yes, look at him.
All right.
I think we got all the Depps here now, Jack.
We got Jack Sparrow, uh, wobbly Jack Sparrow, Scissorhands, and look now-- we got the Mad Hatter And there's also, uh, Willy Wonka.
Hello.
Look at Wonka's costume.
That is an amazing costume for a pedophile to hide out in the open in.
You're really weird.
Okay.
Egg and spoon race! On the count of three.
Three! Wait! Aah! He broke his.
That doesn't count.
That does count! It does count! It does count! What happened? Who won, Jack? Kind of a blur, but-- - You can do it! - You got it! We've got faith in you! (cheers and applause) What would Johnny Depp say to a grieving widow? A grieving wid-- (chuckles) Now this is the perfect opportunity for you and I to-- Okay, try it again, and imagine you've never sniffed paint thinner.
(chuckles) Actually, the correct response was "mumbled nonsense".
- Very good.
- Ah! He's a perfect Johnny Depp! - Join the crew, lads! - Let's take him.
Boo-bop-be-ba Sorry I'm grounded.
Good luck, you guys.
Have fun at the memorial.
Okay.
Okay, listen to me.
Just follow my lead, all right? Okay.
Rahk! Rahk! Friend of the corpse! Rahk! Johnny Depp coming through.
Johnny Depp doesn't shower much! Rahk! Mr.
Depp, uh, I'm Steve Schirripa.
I was Paul Sorvino's best friend.
Rahk! Sorry for your loss of your cold [bleep.]
career.
Rahk! Hey! Easy on the vodka! Rahk! Keep going.
Keep going.
It's going great.
Rahk! Oh, excuse me, Mr.
Depp.
Ahoy, there.
Rahk! Don't worry about it, grandma.
Are you here for Sorvino or just in line to be buried? Rahk! That's kind of rude.
Oh, look who's here! It's Burt Young, from Rockys One through Horrible.
Rahk! Hey, where are you going, you moron? I wasn't done bagging on Burt Young.
Oh, boy.
Taking the food.
Great.
This isn't working out.
Listen, dummy, over there Japanese tourists.
Let's go, go, go! Hustle! Hustle! Japanese tourists at 1:00 with cameras.
Rahk! Jack, help me! Look at this psychopath.
I didn't even get to start to pay my respects.
Oh.
All right, just help me get this costume off.
- Uh - Only you can do this.
What are they looking at? Oh, uh, yeah.
They, uh-- They think you're Johnny Depp.
Uh, just start apologizing, but don't overdo it.
Remember, you're Johnny Depp.
Just act overrated.
Hello, everyone.
Uh, sorry about that.
Just had to step out for some fresh eyeliner.
Uh (sniffs) Hey.
What's that smell? Move over that way towards that chair.
That way.
That way.
Hey, Johnny.
What are you working on? Uh, I'm a pirate.
You know, if you, uh, ever need anybody to play, uh -- Play what? The ship? It's okay.
(chuckles) That role's been taken.
Come on.
Let's go.
Rahk! Rahk! I'm a parrot.
Rahk! Hey, lady, what do you know about that chair over there? Oh.
That's Mr.
Sorvino's favorite chair.
He sits in it every night for hours and hours.
Sometimes he's in it for days and doesn't even get up to wash himself.
See how it's sunken in? It's like he just wears the seat of his pants out on it, and he just grows older and older.
And then on hot summer nights, it's just like-- Ohh! Ay! Ay! Must get chair! Must have chair! Chair! - Mr.
Depp.
- Hi.
How nice of you to come.
Would you mind saying a few words, uh, remembering Paul? His family would love it.
Chair! Buddy, stop.
They want me to give a eulogy.
Huh? What? Right now, here to say some words about our dear friend Paul Sorvino is one of the finest actors on Earth, Mr.
Johnny Depp.
Uh Um Uh Um Being Johnny Depp at Paul Sorvino's funeral is not an everyday thing for me.
Um I mean, if Johnny was here, which he is because I am! Um, I would say that this is one of the most mournful days of my life as Johnny Depp.
Something seems very strange.
Johnny's never been this coherent.
How am I doing? Embarrassingly awful.
Don't! No! No! - Get off that chair! - Aah! - Get off that chair! - What, are you crazy?! Get this bird off of me! Get off! Get off now! (sniffs) No! You bastard! Your smell has mixed with Sorvino's! (sobbing) No! Hey, these are the two guys who killed Paul! - Get out! - No! - Get out! - No! And you.
Get out.
Now.
(sighs) Well, I have never been more disappointed in you.
(engine turns over) (vehicle departs) Well, I suppose everything does happen for a reason.
Whether you're trying to help your TV mom's birthday or get a whiff of a dubious odor, we all end up the same, lying in an open casket.
But I think it's important to appreciate God's greatest gift.
Life.
Am I right, pal? Triumph? (gasps) Although I may not be as famous or popular or ever play the pirate, I have met Paul Sorvino, one of the rock-solid greats in our business.
Mr.
Sorvino? He's not dead.
I smell a rat, and it smells like cigar ash and cat vomit! - I knew it! - What? He's not using these anymore.
- Give me that! - Come on! Give me that, you little bastard! No! No! - Give me that! - I want it! Give me the pants! Give me the pants! Give me the goddamn pants! Give me the-- Oh! What a nightmare.
- Paul, oh, my God.
- Mr.
Sorvino.
Oh! Hi.
I'm Paul Sorvino.
And what you've just seen was a result of E.
S.
S.
, Extended Sleep Syndrome, which can result in being buried alive.
It's not an actual condition, but it's something every elderly person worries about, so if you've got an elderly parent or grandparent you love, I implore you, when they pass away, give them a good shake before putting them in the ground.
You may not be as lucky as I was.
(sniffs) (slow symphonic music) You treat me like a fool.
Where are you? And yet I want you all over me.
You are my obsession.
You are perfection.
(echoing) Perfection.
Come to me.
You are mine.
You're not mine.
You must be mine.
(female voice-over) Sorvin Eau The fragrance for the dog who pants for the pants.